aboutsummaryrefslogtreecommitdiffstats
path: root/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o
blob: 49d6fb9ab3c4340a0622d8a634c4a781a2f44f25 (plain) (blame)
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
42
43
44
45
46
47
48
49
50
51
52
53
54
55
56
57
58
59
60
61
62
63
64
65
66
67
68
69
70
71
72
73
74
75
76
77
78
79
80
81
82
83
84
85
86
87
88
89
90
91
92
93
94
95
96
97
98
99
100
101
102
103
104
105
106
107
108
109
110
111
112
113
114
115
116
117
118
119
120
121
122
123
124
125
126
127
128
129
130
131
132
133
134
135
136
137
138
139
140
141
142
143
144
145
146
147
148
149
150
151
152
153
154
155
156
157
158
159
160
161
162
163
164
165
166
167
168
169
170
171
172
173
174
175
176
177
178
179
180
181
182
183
184
185
186
187
188
189
190
191
192
193
194
195
196
197
198
199
200
201
202
203
204
205
206
207
208
209
210
211
212
213
214
215
216
217
218
219
220
221
222
223
224
225
226
227
228
229
230
231
232
233
234
235
236
237
238
239
240
241
242
243
244
245
246
247
248
249
250
251
252
253
254
255
256
257
258
259
260
261
262
263
264
265
266
267
268
269
270
271
272
273
274
275
276
277
278
279
280
281
282
283
284
285
286
287
288
289
290
291
292
293
294
295
296
297
298
299
300
301
302
303
304
305
306
307
308
309
310
311
312
313
314
315
316
317
318
319
320
321
322
323
324
325
326
327
328
329
330
331
332
333
334
335
336
337
338
339
340
341
342
343
344
345
346
347
348
349
350
351
352
353
354
355
356
357
358
359
360
361
362
363
364
365
366
367
368
369
370
371
372
373
374
375
376
377
378
379
380
381
382
383
384
385
386
387
388
389
390
391
392
393
394
395
396
397
398
399
400
401
402
403
404
405
406
407
408
409
410
411
412
413
414
415
416
417
418
419
420
421
422
423
424
425
426
427
428
429
430
431
432
433
434
435
436
437
438
439
440
441
442
443
444
445
446
447
448
449
450
451
452
453
454
455
456
457
458
459
460
461
462
463
464
465
466
467
468
469
470
471
472
473
474
475
476
477
478
479
480
481
482
483
484
485
486
487
488
489
490
491
492
493
494
495
496
497
498
499
500
501
502
503
504
505
506
507
508
509
510
511
512
513
514
515
516
517
518
519
520
521
522
523
524
525
526
527
528
529
530
531
532
533
534
535
536
537
538
539
540
541
542
543
544
545
546
547
548
549
550
551
552
553
554
555
556
557
558
559
560
561
562
563
564
565
566
567
568
569
570
571
572
573
574
575
576
577
578
579
580
581
582
583
584
585
586
587
588
589
590
591
592
593
594
595
596
597
598
599
600
601
602
603
604
605
606
607
608
609
610
611
612
613
614
615
616
617
618
619
620
621
622
623
624
625
626
627
628
629
630
631
632
633
634
635
636
637
638
639
640
641
642
643
644
645
646
647
648
649
650
651
652
653
654
655
656
657
658
659
660
661
662
663
664
665
666
667
668
669
670
671
672
673
674
675
676
677
678
679
680
681
682
683
684
685
686
687
688
689
690
691
692
693
694
695
696
697
698
699
700
701
702
703
704
705
706
707
708
709
710
711
712
713
714
715
716
717
718
719
720
721
722
723
724
725
726
727
728
729
730
731
732
733
734
735
736
737
738
739
740
741
742
743
744
745
746
747
748
749
750
751
752
753
754
755
756
757
758
759
760
761
762
763
764
765
766
767
768
769
770
771
772
773
774
775
776
777
778
779
780
781
782
783
784
785
786
787
788
789
790
791
792
793
794
795
796
797
798
799
800
801
802
803
804
805
806
807
808
809
810
811
812
813
814
815
816
817
818
819
820
821
822
823
824
825
826
827
828
829
830
831
832
833
834
835
836
837
838
839
840
841
842
843
844
845
846
847
848
849
850
851
852
853
854
855
856
857
858
859
860
861
862
863
864
865
866
867
868
869
870
871
872
873
874
875
876
877
878
879
880
881
882
883
884
885
886
887
888
889
890
891
892
893
894
895
896
897
898
899
900
901
902
903
904
905
906
907
908
909
910
911
912
913
914
915
916
917
918
919
920
921
922
923
924
925
926
927
928
929
930
931
932
933
934
935
936
937
938
939
940
941
942
943
944
945
946
947
948
949
950
951
952
953
954
955
956
957
958
959
960
961
962
963
964
965
966
967
968
969
970
971
972
973
974
975
976
977
978
979
980
981
982
983
984
985
986
987
988
989
990
991
992
993
994
995
996
997
998
999
1000
1001
1002
1003
1004
1005
1006
1007
1008
1009
1010
1011
1012
1013
1014
1015
1016
1017
1018
1019
1020
1021
1022
1023
1024
1025
1026
1027
1028
1029
1030
1031
1032
1033
1034
1035
1036
1037
1038
1039
1040
1041
1042
1043
1044
1045
1046
1047
1048
1049
1050
1051
1052
1053
1054
1055
1056
1057
1058
1059
1060
1061
1062
1063
1064
1065
1066
1067
1068
1069
1070
1071
1072
1073
1074
1075
1076
1077
1078
1079
1080
1081
1082
1083
1084
1085
1086
1087
1088
1089
1090
1091
1092
1093
1094
1095
1096
1097
1098
1099
1100
1101
1102
1103
1104
1105
1106
1107
1108
1109
1110
1111
1112
1113
1114
1115
1116
1117
1118
1119
1120
1121
1122
1123
1124
1125
1126
1127
1128
1129
1130
1131
1132
1133
1134
1135
1136
1137
1138
1139
1140
1141
1142
1143
1144
1145
1146
1147
1148
1149
1150
1151
1152
1153
1154
1155
1156
1157
1158
1159
1160
1161
1162
1163
1164
1165
1166
1167
1168
1169
1170
1171
1172
1173
1174
1175
1176
1177
1178
1179
1180
1181
1182
1183
1184
1185
1186
1187
1188
1189
1190
1191
1192
1193
1194
1195
1196
1197
1198
1199
1200
1201
1202
1203
1204
1205
1206
1207
1208
1209
1210
1211
1212
1213
1214
1215
1216
1217
1218
1219
1220
1221
1222
1223
1224
1225
1226
1227
1228
1229
1230
1231
1232
1233
1234
1235
1236
1237
1238
1239
1240
1241
1242
1243
1244
1245
1246
1247
1248
1249
1250
1251
1252
1253
1254
1255
1256
1257
1258
1259
1260
1261
1262
1263
1264
1265
1266
1267
1268
1269
1270
1271
1272
1273
1274
1275
1276
1277
1278
1279
1280
1281
1282
1283
1284
1285
1286
1287
1288
1289
1290
1291
1292
1293
1294
1295
1296
1297
1298
1299
1300
1301
1302
1303
1304
1305
1306
1307
1308
1309
1310
1311
1312
1313
1314
1315
1316
1317
1318
1319
1320
1321
1322
1323
1324
1325
1326
1327
1328
1329
1330
1331
1332
1333
1334
1335
1336
1337
1338
1339
1340
1341
1342
1343
1344
1345
1346
1347
1348
1349
1350
1351
1352
1353
1354
1355
1356
1357
1358
1359
1360
1361
1362
1363
1364
1365
1366
1367
1368
1369
1370
1371
1372
1373
1374
1375
1376
1377
1378
1379
1380
1381
1382
1383
1384
1385
1386
1387
1388
1389
1390
1391
1392
1393
1394
1395
1396
1397
1398
1399
1400
1401
1402
1403
1404
1405
1406
1407
1408
1409
1410
1411
1412
1413
1414
1415
1416
1417
1418
1419
1420
1421
1422
1423
1424
1425
1426
1427
1428
1429
1430
1431
1432
1433
1434
1435
1436
1437
1438
1439
1440
1441
1442
1443
1444
1445
1446
1447
1448
1449
1450
1451
1452
1453
1454
1455
1456
1457
1458
1459
1460
1461
1462
1463
1464
1465
1466
1467
1468
1469
1470
1471
1472
1473
1474
1475
1476
1477
1478
1479
1480
1481
1482
1483
1484
1485
1486
1487
1488
1489
1490
1491
1492
1493
1494
1495
1496
1497
1498
1499
1500
1501
1502
1503
1504
1505
1506
1507
1508
1509
1510
1511
1512
1513
1514
1515
1516
1517
1518
1519
1520
1521
1522
1523
1524
1525
1526
1527
1528
1529
1530
1531
1532
1533
1534
1535
1536
1537
1538
1539
1540
1541
1542
1543
1544
1545
1546
1547
1548
1549
1550
1551
1552
1553
1554
1555
1556
1557
1558
1559
1560
1561
1562
1563
1564
1565
1566
1567
1568
1569
1570
1571
1572
1573
1574
1575
1576
1577
1578
1579
1580
1581
1582
1583
1584
1585
1586
1587
1588
1589
1590
1591
1592
1593
1594
1595
1596
1597
1598
1599
1600
1601
1602
1603
1604
1605
1606
1607
1608
1609
1610
1611
1612
1613
1614
1615
1616
1617
1618
1619
1620
1621
1622
1623
1624
1625
1626
1627
1628
1629
1630
1631
1632
1633
1634
1635
1636
1637
1638
1639
1640
1641
1642
1643
1644
1645
1646
1647
1648
1649
1650
1651
1652
1653
1654
1655
1656
1657
1658
1659
1660
1661
1662
1663
1664
1665
1666
1667
1668
1669
1670
1671
1672
1673
1674
1675
1676
1677
1678
1679
1680
1681
1682
1683
1684
1685
1686
1687
1688
1689
1690
1691
1692
1693
1694
1695
1696
1697
1698
1699
1700
1701
1702
1703
1704
1705
1706
1707
1708
1709
1710
1711
1712
1713
1714
1715
1716
1717
1718
1719
1720
1721
1722
1723
1724
1725
1726
1727
1728
1729
1730
1731
1732
1733
1734
1735
1736
1737
1738
1739
1740
1741
1742
1743
1744
1745
1746
1747
1748
1749
1750
1751
1752
1753
1754
1755
1756
1757
1758
1759
1760
1761
1762
1763
1764
1765
1766
1767
1768
1769
1770
1771
1772
1773
1774
1775
1776
1777
1778
1779
1780
1781
1782
1783
1784
1785
1786
1787
1788
1789
1790
1791
1792
1793
1794
1795
1796
1797
1798
1799
1800
1801
1802
1803
1804
1805
1806
1807
1808
1809
1810
1811
1812
1813
1814
1815
1816
1817
1818
1819
1820
1821
1822
1823
1824
1825
1826
1827
1828
1829
1830
1831
1832
1833
1834
1835
1836
1837
1838
1839
1840
1841
1842
1843
1844
1845
1846
1847
1848
1849
1850
1851
1852
1853
1854
1855
1856
1857
1858
1859
1860
1861
1862
1863
1864
1865
1866
1867
1868
1869
1870
1871
1872
1873
1874
1875
1876
1877
1878
1879
1880
1881
1882
1883
1884
1885
1886
1887
1888
1889
1890
1891
1892
1893
1894
1895
1896
1897
1898
1899
1900
1901
1902
1903
1904
1905
1906
1907
1908
1909
1910
1911
1912
1913
1914
1915
1916
1917
1918
1919
1920
1921
1922
1923
1924
1925
1926
1927
1928
1929
1930
1931
1932
1933
1934
1935
1936
1937
1938
1939
1940
1941
1942
1943
1944
1945
1946
1947
1948
1949
1950
1951
1952
1953
1954
1955
1956
1957
1958
1959
1960
1961
1962
1963
1964
1965
1966
1967
1968
1969
1970
1971
1972
1973
1974
1975
1976
1977
1978
1979
1980
1981
1982
1983
1984
1985
1986
1987
1988
1989
1990
1991
1992
1993
1994
1995
1996
1997
1998
1999
2000
2001
2002
2003
2004
2005
2006
2007
2008
2009
2010
2011
2012
2013
2014
2015
2016
2017
2018
2019
2020
2021
2022
2023
2024
2025
2026
2027
2028
2029
2030
2031
2032
2033
2034
2035
2036
2037
2038
2039
2040
2041
2042
2043
2044
2045
2046
2047
2048
2049
2050
2051
2052
2053
2054
2055
2056
2057
2058
2059
2060
2061
2062
2063
2064
2065
2066
2067
2068
2069
2070
2071
2072
2073
2074
2075
2076
2077
2078
2079
2080
2081
2082
2083
2084
2085
2086
2087
2088
2089
2090
2091
2092
2093
2094
2095
2096
2097
2098
2099
2100
2101
2102
2103
2104
2105
2106
2107
2108
2109
2110
2111
2112
2113
2114
2115
2116
2117
2118
2119
2120
2121
2122
2123
2124
2125
2126
2127
2128
2129
2130
2131
2132
2133
2134
2135
2136
2137
2138
2139
2140
2141
2142
2143
2144
2145
2146
2147
2148
2149
2150
2151
2152
2153
2154
2155
2156
2157
2158
2159
2160
2161
2162
2163
2164
2165
2166
2167
2168
2169
2170
2171
2172
2173
2174
2175
2176
2177
2178
2179
2180
2181
2182
2183
2184
2185
2186
2187
2188
2189
2190
2191
2192
2193
2194
2195
2196
2197
2198
2199
2200
2201
2202
2203
2204
2205
2206
2207
2208
2209
2210
2211
2212
2213
2214
2215
2216
2217
2218
2219
2220
2221
2222
2223
2224
2225
2226
2227
2228
2229
2230
2231
2232
2233
2234
2235
2236
2237
2238
2239
2240
2241
2242
2243
2244
2245
2246
2247
2248
2249
2250
2251
2252
2253
2254
2255
2256
2257
2258
2259
2260
2261
2262
2263
2264
2265
2266
2267
2268
2269
2270
2271
2272
2273
2274
2275
2276
2277
2278
2279
2280
2281
2282
2283
2284
2285
2286
2287
2288
2289
2290
2291
2292
2293
2294
2295
2296
2297
2298
2299
2300
2301
2302
2303
2304
2305
2306
2307
2308
2309
2310
2311
2312
2313
2314
2315
2316
2317
2318
2319
2320
2321
2322
2323
2324
2325
2326
2327
2328
2329
2330
2331
2332
2333
2334
2335
2336
2337
2338
2339
2340
2341
2342
2343
2344
2345
2346
2347
2348
2349
2350
2351
2352
2353
2354
2355
2356
2357
2358
2359
2360
2361
2362
2363
2364
2365
2366
2367
2368
2369
2370
2371
2372
2373
2374
2375
2376
2377
2378
2379
2380
2381
2382
2383
2384
2385
2386
2387
2388
2389
2390
2391
2392
2393
2394
2395
2396
2397
2398
2399
2400
2401
2402
2403
2404
2405
2406
2407
2408
2409
2410
2411
2412
2413
2414
2415
2416
2417
2418
2419
2420
2421
2422
2423
2424
2425
2426
2427
2428
2429
2430
2431
2432
2433
2434
2435
2436
2437
2438
2439
2440
2441
2442
2443
2444
2445
2446
2447
2448
2449
2450
2451
2452
2453
2454
2455
2456
2457
2458
2459
2460
2461
2462
2463
2464
2465
2466
2467
2468
2469
2470
2471
2472
2473
2474
2475
2476
2477
2478
2479
2480
2481
2482
2483
2484
2485
2486
2487
2488
2489
2490
2491
2492
2493
2494
2495
2496
2497
2498
2499
2500
2501
2502
2503
2504
2505
2506
2507
2508
2509
2510
2511
2512
2513
2514
2515
2516
2517
2518
2519
2520
2521
2522
2523
2524
2525
2526
2527
2528
2529
2530
2531
2532
2533
2534
2535
2536
2537
2538
2539
2540
2541
2542
2543
2544
2545
2546
2547
2548
2549
2550
2551
2552
2553
2554
2555
2556
2557
2558
2559
2560
2561
2562
2563
2564
2565
2566
2567
2568
2569
2570
2571
2572
2573
2574
2575
2576
2577
2578
2579
2580
2581
2582
2583
2584
2585
2586
2587
2588
2589
2590
2591
2592
2593
2594
2595
2596
2597
2598
2599
2600
2601
2602
2603
2604
2605
2606
2607
2608
2609
2610
2611
2612
2613
2614
2615
2616
2617
2618
2619
2620
2621
2622
2623
2624
2625
2626
2627
2628
2629
2630
2631
2632
2633
2634
2635
2636
2637
2638
2639
2640
2641
2642
2643
2644
2645
2646
2647
2648
2649
2650
2651
2652
2653
2654
2655
2656
2657
2658
2659
2660
2661
2662
2663
2664
2665
2666
2667
2668
2669
2670
2671
2672
2673
2674
2675
2676
2677
2678
2679
2680
2681
2682
2683
2684
2685
2686
2687
2688
2689
2690
2691
2692
2693
2694
2695
2696
2697
2698
2699
2700
2701
2702
2703
2704
2705
2706
2707
2708
2709
2710
2711
2712
2713
2714
2715
2716
2717
2718
2719
2720
2721
2722
2723
2724
2725
2726
2727
2728
2729
2730
2731
2732
2733
2734
2735
2736
2737
2738
2739
2740
2741
2742
2743
2744
2745
2746
2747
2748
2749
2750
2751
2752
2753
2754
2755
2756
2757
2758
2759
2760
2761
2762
2763
2764
2765
2766
2767
2768
2769
2770
2771
2772
2773
2774
2775
2776
2777
2778
2779
2780
2781
2782
2783
2784
2785
2786
2787
2788
2789
2790
2791
2792
2793
2794
2795
2796
2797
2798
2799
2800
2801
2802
2803
2804
2805
2806
2807
2808
2809
2810
2811
2812
2813
2814
2815
2816
2817
2818
2819
2820
2821
2822
2823
2824
2825
2826
2827
2828
2829
2830
2831
2832
2833
2834
2835
2836
2837
2838
2839
2840
2841
2842
2843
2844
2845
2846
2847
2848
2849
2850
2851
2852
2853
2854
2855
2856
2857
2858
2859
2860
2861
2862
2863
2864
2865
2866
2867
2868
2869
2870
2871
2872
2873
2874
2875
2876
2877
2878
2879
2880
2881
2882
2883
2884
2885
2886
2887
2888
2889
2890
2891
2892
2893
2894
2895
2896
2897
2898
2899
2900
2901
2902
2903
2904
2905
2906
2907
2908
2909
2910
2911
2912
2913
2914
2915
2916
2917
2918
2919
2920
2921
2922
2923
2924
2925
2926
2927
2928
2929
2930
2931
2932
2933
2934
2935
2936
2937
2938
2939
2940
2941
2942
2943
2944
2945
2946
2947
2948
2949
2950
2951
2952
2953
2954
2955
2956
2957
2958
2959
2960
2961
2962
2963
2964
2965
2966
2967
2968
2969
2970
2971
2972
2973
2974
2975
2976
2977
2978
2979
2980
2981
2982
2983
2984
2985
2986
2987
2988
2989
2990
2991
2992
2993
2994
2995
2996
2997
2998
2999
3000
3001
3002
3003
3004
3005
3006
3007
3008
3009
3010
3011
3012
3013
3014
3015
3016
3017
3018
3019
3020
3021
3022
3023
3024
3025
3026
3027
3028
3029
3030
3031
3032
3033
3034
3035
3036
3037
3038
3039
3040
3041
3042
3043
3044
3045
3046
3047
3048
3049
3050
3051
3052
3053
3054
3055
3056
3057
3058
3059
3060
3061
3062
3063
3064
3065
3066
3067
3068
3069
3070
3071
3072
3073
3074
3075
3076
3077
3078
3079
3080
3081
3082
3083
3084
3085
3086
3087
3088
3089
3090
3091
3092
3093
3094
3095
3096
3097
3098
3099
3100
3101
3102
3103
3104
3105
3106
3107
3108
3109
3110
3111
3112
3113
3114
3115
3116
3117
3118
3119
3120
3121
3122
3123
3124
3125
3126
3127
3128
3129
3130
3131
3132
3133
3134
3135
3136
3137
3138
3139
3140
3141
3142
3143
3144
3145
3146
3147
3148
3149
3150
3151
3152
3153
3154
3155
3156
3157
3158
3159
3160
3161
3162
3163
3164
3165
3166
3167
3168
3169
3170
3171
3172
3173
3174
3175
3176
3177
3178
3179
3180
3181
3182
3183
3184
3185
3186
3187
3188
3189
3190
3191
3192
3193
3194
3195
3196
3197
3198
3199
3200
3201
3202
3203
3204
3205
3206
3207
3208
3209
3210
3211
3212
3213
3214
3215
3216
3217
3218
3219
3220
3221
3222
3223
3224
3225
3226
3227
3228
3229
3230
3231
3232
3233
3234
3235
3236
3237
3238
3239
3240
3241
3242
3243
3244
3245
3246
3247
3248
3249
3250
3251
3252
3253
3254
3255
3256
3257
3258
3259
3260
3261
3262
3263
3264
3265
3266
3267
3268
3269
3270
3271
3272
3273
3274
3275
3276
3277
3278
3279
3280
3281
3282
3283
3284
3285
3286
3287
3288
3289
3290
3291
3292
3293
3294
3295
3296
3297
3298
3299
3300
3301
3302
3303
3304
3305
3306
3307
3308
3309
3310
3311
3312
3313
3314
3315
3316
3317
3318
3319
3320
3321
3322
3323
3324
3325
3326
3327
3328
3329
3330
3331
3332
3333
3334
3335
3336
3337
3338
3339
3340
3341
3342
3343
3344
3345
3346
3347
3348
3349
3350
3351
3352
3353
3354
3355
3356
3357
3358
3359
3360
3361
3362
3363
3364
3365
3366
3367
3368
3369
3370
3371
3372
3373
3374
3375
3376
3377
3378
3379
3380
3381
3382
3383
3384
3385
3386
3387
3388
3389
3390
3391
3392
3393
3394
3395
3396
3397
3398
3399
3400
3401
3402
3403
3404
3405
3406
3407
3408
3409
3410
3411
3412
3413
3414
3415
3416
3417
3418
3419
3420
3421
3422
3423
3424
3425
3426
3427
3428
3429
3430
3431
3432
3433
3434
3435
3436
3437
3438
3439
3440
3441
3442
3443
3444
3445
3446
3447
3448
3449
3450
3451
3452
3453
3454
3455
3456
3457
3458
3459
3460
3461
3462
3463
3464
3465
3466
3467
3468
3469
3470
3471
3472
3473
3474
3475
3476
3477
3478
3479
3480
3481
3482
3483
3484
3485
3486
3487
3488
3489
3490
3491
3492
3493
3494
3495
3496
3497
3498
3499
3500
3501
3502
3503
3504
3505
3506
3507
3508
3509
3510
3511
3512
3513
3514
3515
3516
3517
3518
3519
3520
3521
3522
3523
3524
3525
3526
3527
3528
3529
3530
3531
3532
3533
3534
3535
3536
3537
3538
3539
3540
3541
3542
3543
3544
3545
3546
3547
3548
3549
3550
3551
3552
3553
3554
3555
3556
3557
3558
3559
3560
3561
3562
3563
3564
3565
3566
3567
3568
3569
3570
3571
3572
3573
3574
3575
3576
3577
3578
3579
3580
3581
3582
3583
3584
3585
3586
3587
3588
3589
3590
3591
3592
3593
3594
3595
3596
3597
3598
3599
3600
3601
3602
3603
3604
3605
3606
3607
3608
3609
3610
3611
3612
3613
3614
3615
3616
3617
3618
3619
3620
3621
3622
3623
3624
3625
3626
3627
3628
3629
3630
3631
3632
3633
3634
3635
3636
3637
3638
3639
3640
3641
3642
3643
3644
3645
3646
3647
3648
3649
3650
3651
3652
3653
3654
3655
3656
3657
3658
3659
3660
3661
3662
3663
3664
3665
3666
3667
3668
3669
3670
3671
3672
3673
3674
3675
3676
3677
3678
3679
3680
3681
3682
3683
3684
3685
3686
3687
3688
3689
3690
3691
3692
3693
3694
3695
3696
3697
3698
3699
3700
3701
3702
3703
3704
3705
3706
3707
3708
3709
3710
3711
3712
3713
3714
3715
3716
3717
3718
3719
3720
3721
3722
3723
3724
3725
3726
3727
3728
3729
3730
3731
3732
3733
3734
3735
3736
3737
3738
3739
3740
3741
3742
3743
3744
3745
3746
3747
3748
3749
3750
3751
3752
3753
3754
3755
3756
3757
3758
3759
3760
3761
3762
3763
3764
3765
3766
3767
3768
3769
3770
3771
3772
3773
3774
3775
3776
3777
3778
3779
3780
3781
3782
3783
3784
3785
3786
3787
3788
3789
3790
3791
3792
3793
3794
3795
3796
3797
3798
3799
3800
3801
3802
3803
3804
3805
3806
3807
3808
3809
3810
3811
3812
3813
3814
3815
3816
3817
3818
3819
3820
3821
3822
3823
3824
3825
3826
3827
3828
3829
3830
3831
3832
3833
3834
3835
3836
3837
3838
3839
3840
3841
3842
3843
3844
3845
3846
3847
3848
3849
3850
3851
3852
3853
3854
3855
3856
3857
3858
3859
3860
3861
3862
3863
3864
3865
3866
3867
3868
3869
3870
3871
3872
3873
3874
3875
3876
3877
3878
3879
3880
3881
3882
3883
3884
3885
3886
3887
3888
3889
3890
3891
3892
3893
3894
3895
3896
3897
3898
3899
3900
3901
3902
3903
3904
3905
3906
3907
3908
3909
3910
3911
3912
3913
3914
3915
3916
3917
3918
3919
3920
3921
3922
3923
3924
3925
3926
3927
3928
3929
3930
3931
3932
3933
3934
3935
3936
3937
3938
3939
3940
3941
3942
3943
3944
3945
3946
3947
3948
3949
3950
3951
3952
3953
3954
3955
3956
3957
3958
3959
3960
3961
3962
3963
3964
3965
3966
3967
3968
3969
3970
3971
3972
3973
3974
3975
3976
3977
3978
3979
3980
3981
3982
3983
3984
3985
3986
3987
3988
3989
3990
3991
3992
3993
3994
3995
3996
3997
3998
3999
4000
4001
4002
4003
4004
4005
4006
4007
4008
4009
4010
4011
4012
4013
4014
4015
4016
4017
4018
4019
4020
4021
4022
4023
4024
4025
4026
4027
4028
4029
4030
4031
4032
4033
4034
4035
4036
4037
4038
4039
4040
4041
4042
4043
4044
4045
4046
4047
4048
4049
4050
4051
4052
4053
4054
4055
4056
4057
4058
4059
4060
4061
4062
4063
4064
4065
4066
4067
4068
4069
4070
4071
4072
4073
4074
4075
4076
4077
4078
4079
4080
4081
4082
4083
4084
4085
4086
4087
4088
4089
4090
4091
4092
4093
4094
4095
4096
4097
4098
4099
4100
4101
4102
4103
4104
4105
4106
4107
4108
4109
4110
4111
4112
4113
4114
4115
4116
4117
4118
4119
4120
4121
4122
4123
4124
4125
4126
4127
4128
4129
4130
4131
4132
4133
4134
4135
4136
4137
4138
4139
4140
4141
4142
4143
4144
4145
4146
4147
4148
4149
4150
4151
4152
4153
4154
4155
4156
4157
4158
4159
4160
4161
4162
4163
4164
4165
4166
4167
4168
4169
4170
4171
4172
4173
4174
4175
4176
4177
4178
4179
4180
4181
4182
4183
4184
4185
4186
4187
4188
4189
4190
4191
4192
4193
4194
4195
4196
4197
4198
4199
4200
4201
4202
4203
4204
4205
4206
4207
4208
4209
4210
4211
4212
4213
4214
4215
4216
4217
4218
4219
4220
4221
4222
4223
4224
4225
4226
4227
4228
4229
4230
4231
4232
4233
4234
4235
4236
4237
4238
4239
4240
4241
4242
4243
4244
4245
4246
4247
4248
4249
4250
4251
4252
4253
4254
4255
4256
4257
4258
4259
4260
4261
4262
4263
4264
4265
4266
4267
4268
4269
4270
4271
4272
4273
4274
4275
4276
4277
4278
4279
4280
4281
4282
4283
4284
4285
4286
4287
4288
4289
4290
4291
4292
4293
4294
4295
4296
4297
4298
4299
4300
4301
4302
4303
4304
4305
4306
4307
4308
4309
4310
4311
4312
4313
4314
4315
4316
4317
4318
4319
4320
4321
4322
4323
4324
4325
4326
4327
4328
4329
4330
4331
4332
4333
4334
4335
4336
4337
4338
4339
4340
4341
4342
4343
4344
4345
4346
4347
4348
4349
4350
4351
4352
4353
4354
4355
4356
4357
4358
4359
4360
4361
4362
4363
4364
4365
4366
4367
4368
4369
4370
4371
4372
4373
4374
4375
4376
4377
4378
4379
4380
4381
4382
4383
4384
4385
4386
4387
4388
4389
4390
4391
4392
4393
4394
4395
4396
4397
4398
4399
4400
4401
4402
4403
4404
4405
4406
4407
4408
4409
4410
4411
4412
4413
4414
4415
4416
4417
4418
4419
4420
4421
4422
4423
4424
4425
4426
4427
4428
4429
4430
4431
4432
4433
4434
4435
4436
4437
4438
4439
4440
4441
4442
4443
4444
4445
4446
4447
4448
4449
4450
4451
4452
4453
4454
4455
4456
4457
4458
4459
4460
4461
4462
4463
4464
4465
4466
4467
4468
4469
4470
4471
4472
4473
4474
4475
4476
4477
4478
4479
4480
4481
4482
4483
4484
4485
4486
4487
4488
4489
4490
4491
4492
4493
4494
4495
4496
4497
4498
4499
4500
4501
4502
4503
4504
4505
4506
4507
4508
4509
4510
4511
4512
4513
4514
4515
4516
4517
4518
4519
4520
4521
4522
4523
4524
4525
4526
4527
4528
4529
4530
4531
4532
4533
4534
4535
4536
4537
4538
4539
4540
4541
4542
4543
4544
4545
4546
4547
4548
4549
4550
4551
4552
4553
4554
4555
4556
4557
4558
4559
4560
4561
4562
4563
4564
4565
4566
4567
4568
4569
4570
4571
4572
4573
4574
4575
4576
4577
4578
4579
4580
4581
4582
4583
4584
4585
4586
4587
4588
4589
4590
4591
4592
4593
4594
4595
4596
4597
4598
4599
4600
4601
4602
4603
4604
4605
4606
4607
4608
4609
4610
4611
4612
4613
4614
4615
4616
4617
4618
4619
4620
4621
4622
4623
4624
4625
4626
4627
4628
4629
4630
4631
4632
4633
4634
4635
4636
4637
4638
4639
4640
4641
4642
4643
4644
4645
4646
4647
4648
4649
4650
4651
4652
4653
4654
4655
4656
4657
4658
4659
4660
4661
4662
4663
4664
4665
4666
4667
4668
4669
4670
4671
4672
4673
4674
4675
4676
4677
4678
4679
4680
4681
4682
4683
4684
4685
4686
4687
4688
4689
4690
4691
4692
4693
4694
4695
4696
4697
4698
4699
4700
4701
4702
4703
4704
4705
4706
4707
4708
4709
4710
4711
4712
4713
4714
4715
4716
4717
4718
4719
4720
4721
4722
4723
4724
4725
4726
4727
4728
4729
4730
4731
4732
4733
4734
4735
4736
4737
4738
4739
4740
4741
4742
4743
4744
4745
4746
4747
4748
4749
4750
4751
4752
4753
4754
4755
4756
4757
4758
4759
4760
4761
4762
4763
4764
4765
4766
4767
4768
4769
4770
4771
4772
4773
4774
4775
4776
4777
4778
4779
4780
4781
4782
4783
4784
4785
4786
4787
4788
4789
4790
4791
4792
4793
4794
4795
4796
4797
4798
4799
4800
4801
4802
4803
4804
4805
4806
4807
4808
4809
4810
4811
4812
4813
4814
4815
4816
4817
4818
4819
4820
4821
4822
4823
4824
4825
4826
4827
4828
4829
4830
4831
4832
4833
4834
4835
4836
4837
4838
4839
4840
4841
4842
4843
4844
4845
4846
4847
4848
4849
4850
4851
4852
4853
4854
4855
4856
4857
4858
4859
4860
4861
4862
4863
4864
4865
4866
4867
4868
4869
4870
4871
4872
4873
4874
4875
4876
4877
4878
4879
4880
4881
4882
4883
4884
4885
4886
4887
4888
4889
4890
4891
4892
4893
4894
4895
4896
4897
4898
4899
4900
4901
4902
4903
4904
4905
4906
4907
4908
4909
4910
4911
4912
4913
4914
4915
4916
4917
4918
4919
4920
4921
4922
4923
4924
4925
4926
4927
4928
4929
4930
4931
4932
4933
4934
4935
4936
4937
4938
4939
4940
4941
4942
4943
4944
4945
4946
4947
4948
4949
4950
4951
4952
4953
4954
4955
4956
4957
4958
4959
4960
4961
4962
4963
4964
4965
4966
4967
4968
4969
4970
4971
4972
4973
4974
4975
4976
4977
4978
4979
4980
4981
4982
4983
4984
4985
4986
4987
4988
4989
4990
4991
4992
4993
4994
4995
4996
4997
4998
4999
5000
5001
5002
5003
5004
5005
5006
5007
5008
5009
5010
5011
5012
5013
5014
5015
5016
5017
5018
5019
5020
5021
5022
5023
5024
5025
5026
5027
5028
5029
5030
5031
5032
5033
5034
5035
5036
5037
5038
5039
5040
5041
5042
5043
5044
5045
5046
5047
5048
5049
5050
5051
5052
5053
5054
5055
5056
5057
5058
5059
5060
5061
5062
5063
5064
5065
5066
5067
5068
5069
5070
5071
5072
5073
5074
5075
5076
5077
5078
5079
5080
5081
5082
5083
5084
5085
5086
5087
5088
5089
5090
5091
5092
5093
5094
5095
5096
5097
5098
5099
5100
5101
5102
5103
5104
5105
5106
5107
5108
5109
5110
5111
5112
5113
5114
5115
5116
5117
5118
5119
5120
5121
5122
5123
5124
5125
5126
5127
5128
5129
5130
5131
5132
5133
5134
5135
5136
5137
5138
5139
5140
5141
5142
5143
5144
5145
5146
5147
5148
5149
5150
5151
5152
5153
5154
5155
5156
5157
5158
5159
5160
5161
5162
5163
5164
5165
5166
5167
5168
5169
5170
5171
5172
5173
5174
5175
5176
5177
5178
5179
5180
5181
5182
5183
5184
5185
5186
5187
5188
5189
5190
5191
5192
5193
5194
5195
5196
5197
5198
5199
5200
5201
5202
5203
5204
5205
5206
5207
5208
5209
5210
5211
5212
5213
5214
5215
5216
5217
5218
5219
5220
5221
5222
5223
5224
5225
5226
5227
5228
5229
5230
5231
5232
5233
5234
5235
5236
5237
5238
5239
5240
5241
5242
5243
5244
5245
5246
5247
5248
5249
5250
5251
5252
5253
5254
5255
5256
5257
5258
5259
5260
5261
5262
5263
5264
5265
5266
5267
5268
5269
5270
5271
5272
5273
5274
5275
5276
5277
5278
5279
5280
5281
5282
5283
5284
5285
5286
5287
5288
5289
5290
5291
5292
5293
5294
5295
5296
5297
5298
5299
5300
5301
5302
5303
5304
5305
5306
5307
5308
5309
5310
5311
5312
5313
5314
5315
5316
5317
5318
5319
5320
5321
5322
5323
5324
5325
5326
5327
5328
5329
5330
5331
5332
5333
5334
5335
5336
5337
5338
5339
5340
5341
5342
5343
5344
5345
5346
5347
5348
5349
5350
5351
5352
5353
5354
5355
5356
5357
5358
5359
5360
5361
5362
5363
5364
5365
5366
5367
5368
5369
5370
5371
5372
5373
5374
5375
5376
5377
5378
5379
5380
5381
5382
5383
5384
5385
5386
5387
5388
5389
5390
5391
5392
5393
5394
5395
5396
5397
5398
5399
5400
5401
5402
5403
5404
5405
5406
5407
5408
5409
5410
5411
5412
5413
5414
5415
5416
5417
5418
5419
5420
5421
5422
5423
5424
5425
5426
5427
5428
5429
5430
5431
5432
5433
5434
5435
5436
5437
5438
5439
5440
5441
5442
5443
5444
5445
5446
5447
5448
5449
5450
5451
5452
5453
5454
5455
5456
5457
5458
5459
5460
5461
5462
5463
5464
5465
5466
5467
5468
5469
5470
5471
5472
5473
5474
5475
5476
5477
5478
5479
5480
5481
5482
5483
5484
5485
5486
5487
5488
5489
5490
5491
5492
5493
5494
5495
5496
5497
5498
5499
5500
5501
5502
5503
5504
5505
5506
5507
5508
5509
5510
5511
5512
5513
5514
5515
5516
5517
5518
5519
5520
5521
5522
5523
5524
5525
5526
5527
5528
5529
5530
5531
5532
5533
5534
5535
5536
5537
5538
5539
5540
5541
5542
5543
5544
5545
5546
5547
5548
5549
5550
5551
5552
5553
5554
5555
5556
5557
5558
5559
5560
5561
5562
5563
5564
5565
5566
5567
5568
5569
5570
5571
5572
5573
5574
5575
5576
5577
5578
5579
5580
5581
5582
5583
5584
5585
5586
5587
5588
5589
5590
5591
5592
5593
5594
5595
5596
5597
5598
5599
5600
5601
5602
5603
5604
5605
5606
5607
5608
5609
5610
5611
5612
5613
5614
5615
5616
5617
5618
5619
5620
5621
5622
5623
5624
5625
5626
5627
5628
5629
5630
5631
5632
5633
5634
5635
5636
5637
5638
5639
5640
5641
5642
5643
5644
5645
5646
5647
5648
5649
5650
5651
5652
5653
5654
5655
5656
5657
5658
5659
5660
5661
5662
5663
5664
5665
5666
5667
5668
5669
5670
5671
5672
5673
5674
5675
5676
5677
5678
5679
5680
5681
5682
5683
5684
5685
5686
5687
5688
5689
5690
5691
5692
5693
5694
5695
5696
5697
5698
5699
5700
5701
5702
5703
5704
5705
5706
5707
5708
5709
5710
5711
5712
5713
5714
5715
5716
5717
5718
5719
5720
5721
5722
5723
5724
5725
5726
5727
5728
5729
5730
5731
5732
5733
5734
5735
5736
5737
5738
5739
5740
5741
5742
5743
5744
5745
5746
5747
5748
5749
5750
5751
5752
5753
5754
5755
5756
5757
5758
5759
5760
5761
5762
5763
5764
5765
5766
5767
5768
5769
5770
5771
5772
5773
5774
5775
5776
5777
5778
5779
5780
5781
5782
5783
5784
5785
5786
5787
5788
5789
5790
5791
5792
5793
5794
5795
5796
5797
5798
5799
5800
5801
5802
5803
5804
5805
5806
5807
5808
5809
5810
5811
5812
5813
5814
5815
5816
5817
5818
5819
5820
5821
5822
5823
5824
5825
5826
5827
5828
5829
5830
5831
5832
5833
5834
5835
5836
5837
5838
5839
5840
5841
5842
5843
5844
5845
5846
5847
5848
5849
5850
5851
5852
5853
5854
5855
5856
5857
5858
5859
5860
5861
5862
5863
5864
5865
5866
5867
5868
5869
5870
5871
5872
5873
5874
5875
5876
5877
5878
5879
5880
5881
5882
5883
5884
5885
5886
5887
5888
5889
5890
5891
5892
5893
5894
5895
5896
5897
5898
5899
5900
5901
5902
5903
5904
5905
5906
5907
5908
5909
5910
5911
5912
5913
5914
5915
5916
5917
5918
5919
5920
5921
5922
5923
5924
5925
5926
5927
5928
5929
5930
5931
5932
5933
5934
5935
5936
5937
5938
5939
5940
5941
5942
5943
5944
5945
5946
5947
5948
5949
5950
5951
5952
5953
5954
5955
5956
5957
5958
5959
5960
5961
5962
5963
5964
5965
5966
5967
5968
5969
5970
5971
5972
5973
5974
5975
5976
5977
5978
5979
5980
5981
5982
5983
5984
5985
5986
5987
5988
5989
5990
5991
5992
5993
5994
5995
5996
5997
5998
5999
6000
6001
6002
6003
6004
6005
6006
6007
6008
6009
6010
6011
6012
6013
6014
6015
6016
6017
6018
6019
6020
6021
6022
6023
6024
6025
6026
6027
6028
6029
6030
6031
6032
6033
6034
6035
6036
6037
6038
6039
6040
6041
6042
6043
6044
6045
6046
6047
6048
6049
6050
6051
6052
6053
6054
6055
6056
6057
6058
6059
6060
6061
6062
6063
6064
6065
6066
6067
6068
6069
6070
6071
6072
6073
6074
6075
6076
6077
6078
6079
6080
6081
6082
6083
6084
6085
6086
6087
6088
6089
6090
6091
6092
6093
6094
6095
6096
6097
6098
6099
6100
6101
6102
6103
6104
6105
6106
6107
6108
6109
6110
6111
6112
6113
6114
6115
6116
6117
6118
6119
6120
6121
6122
6123
6124
6125
6126
6127
6128
6129
6130
6131
6132
6133
6134
6135
6136
6137
6138
6139
6140
6141
6142
6143
6144
6145
6146
6147
6148
6149
6150
6151
6152
6153
6154
6155
6156
6157
6158
6159
6160
6161
6162
6163
6164
6165
6166
6167
6168
6169
6170
6171
6172
6173
6174
6175
6176
6177
6178
6179
6180
6181
6182
6183
6184
6185
6186
6187
6188
6189
6190
6191
6192
6193
6194
6195
6196
6197
6198
6199
6200
6201
6202
6203
6204
6205
6206
6207
6208
6209
6210
6211
6212
6213
6214
6215
6216
6217
6218
6219
6220
6221
6222
6223
6224
6225
6226
6227
6228
6229
6230
6231
6232
6233
6234
6235
6236
6237
6238
6239
6240
6241
6242
6243
6244
6245
6246
6247
6248
6249
6250
6251
6252
6253
6254
6255
6256
6257
6258
6259
6260
6261
6262
6263
6264
6265
6266
6267
6268
6269
6270
6271
6272
6273
6274
6275
6276
6277
6278
6279
6280
6281
6282
6283
6284
6285
6286
6287
6288
6289
6290
6291
6292
6293
6294
6295
6296
6297
6298
6299
6300
6301
6302
6303
6304
6305
6306
6307
6308
6309
6310
6311
6312
6313
6314
6315
6316
6317
6318
6319
6320
6321
6322
6323
6324
6325
6326
6327
6328
6329
6330
6331
6332
6333
6334
6335
6336
6337
6338
6339
6340
6341
6342
6343
6344
6345
6346
6347
6348
6349
6350
6351
6352
6353
6354
6355
6356
6357
6358
6359
6360
6361
6362
6363
6364
6365
6366
6367
6368
6369
6370
6371
6372
6373
6374
6375
6376
6377
6378
6379
6380
6381
6382
6383
6384
6385
6386
6387
6388
6389
6390
6391
6392
6393
6394
6395
6396
6397
6398
6399
6400
6401
6402
6403
6404
6405
6406
6407
6408
6409
6410
6411
6412
6413
6414
6415
6416
6417
6418
6419
6420
6421
6422
6423
6424
6425
6426
6427
6428
6429
6430
6431
6432
6433
6434
6435
6436
6437
6438
6439
6440
6441
6442
6443
6444
6445
6446
6447
6448
6449
6450
6451
6452
6453
6454
6455
6456
6457
6458
6459
6460
6461
6462
6463
6464
6465
6466
6467
6468
6469
6470
6471
6472
6473
6474
6475
6476
6477
6478
6479
6480
6481
6482
6483
6484
6485
6486
6487
6488
6489
6490
6491
6492
6493
6494
6495
6496
6497
6498
6499
6500
6501
6502
6503
6504
6505
6506
6507
6508
6509
6510
6511
6512
6513
6514
6515
6516
6517
6518
6519
6520
6521
6522
6523
6524
6525
6526
6527
6528
6529
6530
6531
6532
6533
6534
6535
6536
6537
6538
6539
6540
6541
6542
6543
6544
6545
6546
6547
6548
6549
6550
6551
6552
6553
6554
6555
6556
6557
6558
6559
6560
6561
6562
6563
6564
6565
6566
6567
6568
6569
6570
6571
6572
6573
6574
6575
6576
6577
6578
6579
6580
6581
6582
6583
6584
6585
6586
6587
6588
6589
6590
6591
6592
6593
6594
6595
6596
6597
6598
6599
6600
6601
6602
6603
6604
6605
6606
6607
6608
6609
6610
6611
6612
6613
6614
6615
6616
6617
6618
6619
6620
6621
6622
6623
6624
6625
6626
6627
6628
6629
6630
6631
6632
6633
6634
6635
6636
6637
6638
6639
6640
6641
6642
6643
6644
6645
6646
6647
6648
6649
6650
6651
6652
6653
6654
6655
6656
6657
6658
6659
6660
6661
6662
6663
6664
6665
6666
6667
6668
6669
6670
6671
6672
6673
6674
6675
6676
6677
6678
6679
6680
6681
6682
6683
6684
6685
6686
6687
6688
6689
6690
6691
6692
6693
6694
6695
6696
6697
6698
6699
6700
6701
6702
6703
6704
6705
6706
6707
6708
6709
6710
6711
6712
6713
6714
6715
6716
6717
6718
6719
6720
6721
6722
6723
6724
6725
6726
6727
6728
6729
6730
6731
6732
6733
6734
6735
6736
6737
6738
6739
6740
6741
6742
6743
6744
6745
6746
6747
6748
6749
6750
6751
6752
6753
6754
6755
6756
6757
6758
6759
6760
6761
6762
6763
6764
6765
6766
6767
6768
6769
6770
6771
6772
6773
6774
6775
6776
6777
6778
6779
6780
6781
6782
6783
6784
6785
6786
6787
6788
6789
6790
6791
6792
6793
6794
6795
6796
6797
6798
6799
6800
6801
6802
6803
6804
6805
6806
6807
6808
6809
6810
6811
6812
6813
6814
6815
6816
6817
6818
6819
6820
6821
6822
6823
6824
6825
6826
6827
6828
6829
6830
6831
6832
6833
6834
6835
6836
6837
6838
6839
6840
6841
6842
6843
6844
6845
6846
6847
6848
6849
6850
6851
6852
6853
6854
6855
6856
6857
6858
6859
6860
6861
6862
6863
6864
6865
6866
6867
6868
6869
6870
6871
6872
6873
6874
6875
6876
6877
6878
6879
6880
6881
6882
6883
6884
6885
6886
6887
6888
6889
6890
6891
6892
6893
6894
6895
6896
6897
6898
6899
6900
6901
6902
6903
6904
6905
6906
6907
6908
6909
6910
6911
6912
6913
6914
6915
6916
6917
6918
6919
6920
6921
6922
6923
6924
6925
6926
6927
6928
6929
6930
6931
6932
6933
6934
6935
6936
6937
6938
6939
6940
6941
6942
6943
6944
6945
6946
6947
6948
6949
6950
6951
6952
6953
6954
6955
6956
6957
6958
6959
6960
6961
6962
6963
6964
6965
6966
6967
6968
6969
6970
6971
6972
6973
6974
6975
6976
6977
6978
6979
6980
6981
6982
6983
6984
6985
6986
6987
6988
6989
6990
6991
6992
6993
6994
6995
6996
6997
6998
6999
7000
7001
7002
7003
7004
7005
7006
7007
7008
7009
7010
7011
7012
7013
7014
7015
7016
7017
7018
7019
7020
7021
7022
7023
7024
7025
7026
7027
7028
7029
7030
7031
7032
7033
7034
7035
7036
7037
7038
7039
7040
7041
7042
7043
7044
7045
7046
7047
7048
7049
7050
7051
7052
7053
7054
7055
7056
7057
7058
7059
7060
7061
7062
7063
7064
7065
7066
7067
7068
7069
7070
7071
7072
7073
7074
7075
7076
7077
7078
7079
7080
7081
7082
7083
7084
7085
7086
7087
7088
7089
7090
7091
7092
7093
7094
7095
7096
7097
7098
7099
7100
7101
7102
7103
7104
7105
7106
7107
7108
7109
7110
7111
7112
7113
7114
7115
7116
7117
7118
7119
7120
7121
7122
7123
7124
7125
7126
7127
7128
7129
7130
7131
7132
7133
7134
7135
7136
7137
7138
7139
7140
7141
7142
7143
7144
7145
7146
7147
7148
7149
7150
7151
7152
7153
7154
7155
7156
7157
7158
7159
7160
7161
7162
7163
7164
7165
7166
7167
7168
7169
7170
7171
7172
7173
7174
7175
7176
7177
7178
7179
7180
7181
7182
7183
7184
7185
7186
7187
7188
7189
7190
7191
7192
7193
7194
7195
7196
7197
7198
7199
7200
7201
7202
7203
7204
7205
7206
7207
7208
7209
7210
7211
7212
7213
7214
7215
7216
7217
7218
7219
7220
7221
7222
7223
7224
7225
7226
7227
7228
7229
7230
7231
7232
7233
7234
7235
7236
7237
7238
7239
7240
7241
7242
7243
7244
7245
7246
7247
7248
7249
7250
7251
7252
7253
7254
7255
7256
7257
7258
7259
7260
7261
7262
7263
7264
7265
7266
7267
7268
7269
7270
7271
7272
7273
7274
7275
7276
7277
7278
7279
7280
7281
7282
7283
7284
7285
7286
7287
7288
7289
7290
7291
7292
7293
7294
7295
7296
7297
7298
7299
7300
7301
7302
7303
7304
7305
7306
7307
7308
7309
7310
7311
7312
7313
7314
7315
7316
7317
7318
7319
7320
7321
7322
7323
7324
7325
7326
7327
7328
7329
7330
7331
7332
7333
7334
7335
7336
7337
7338
7339
7340
7341
7342
7343
7344
7345
7346
7347
7348
7349
7350
7351
7352
7353
7354
7355
7356
7357
7358
7359
7360
7361
7362
7363
7364
7365
7366
7367
7368
7369
7370
7371
7372
7373
7374
7375
7376
7377
7378
7379
7380
7381
7382
7383
7384
7385
7386
7387
7388
7389
7390
7391
7392
7393
7394
7395
7396
7397
7398
7399
7400
7401
7402
7403
7404
7405
7406
7407
7408
7409
7410
7411
7412
7413
7414
7415
7416
7417
7418
7419
7420
7421
7422
7423
7424
7425
7426
7427
7428
7429
7430
7431
7432
7433
7434
7435
7436
7437
7438
7439
7440
7441
7442
7443
7444
7445
7446
7447
7448
7449
7450
7451
7452
7453
7454
7455
7456
7457
7458
7459
7460
7461
7462
7463
7464
7465
7466
7467
7468
7469
7470
7471
7472
7473
7474
7475
7476
7477
7478
7479
7480
7481
7482
7483
7484
7485
7486
7487
7488
7489
7490
7491
7492
7493
7494
7495
7496
7497
7498
7499
7500
7501
7502
7503
7504
7505
7506
7507
7508
7509
7510
7511
7512
7513
7514
7515
7516
7517
7518
7519
7520
7521
7522
7523
7524
7525
7526
7527
7528
7529
7530
7531
7532
7533
7534
7535
7536
7537
7538
7539
7540
7541
7542
7543
7544
7545
7546
7547
7548
7549
7550
7551
7552
7553
7554
7555
7556
7557
7558
7559
7560
7561
7562
7563
7564
7565
7566
7567
7568
7569
7570
7571
7572
7573
7574
7575
7576
7577
7578
7579
7580
7581
7582
7583
7584
7585
7586
7587
7588
7589
7590
7591
7592
7593
7594
7595
7596
7597
7598
7599
7600
7601
7602
7603
7604
7605
7606
7607
7608
7609
7610
7611
7612
7613
7614
7615
7616
7617
7618
7619
7620
7621
7622
7623
7624
7625
7626
7627
7628
7629
7630
7631
7632
7633
7634
7635
7636
7637
7638
7639
7640
7641
7642
7643
7644
7645
7646
7647
7648
7649
7650
7651
7652
7653
7654
7655
7656
7657
7658
7659
7660
7661
7662
7663
7664
7665
7666
7667
7668
7669
7670
7671
7672
7673
7674
7675
7676
7677
7678
7679
7680
7681
7682
7683
7684
7685
7686
7687
7688
7689
7690
7691
7692
7693
7694
7695
7696
7697
7698
7699
7700
7701
7702
7703
7704
7705
7706
7707
7708
7709
7710
7711
7712
7713
7714
7715
7716
7717
7718
7719
7720
7721
7722
7723
7724
7725
7726
7727
7728
7729
7730
7731
7732
7733
7734
7735
7736
7737
7738
7739
7740
7741
7742
7743
7744
7745
7746
7747
7748
7749
7750
7751
7752
7753
7754
7755
7756
7757
7758
7759
7760
7761
7762
7763
7764
7765
7766
7767
7768
7769
7770
7771
7772
7773
7774
7775
7776
7777
7778
7779
7780
7781
7782
7783
7784
7785
7786
7787
7788
7789
7790
7791
7792
7793
7794
7795
7796
7797
7798
7799
7800
7801
7802
7803
7804
7805
7806
7807
7808
7809
7810
7811
7812
7813
7814
7815
7816
7817
7818
7819
7820
7821
7822
7823
7824
7825
7826
7827
7828
7829
7830
7831
7832
7833
7834
7835
7836
7837
7838
7839
7840
7841
7842
7843
7844
7845
7846
7847
7848
7849
7850
7851
7852
7853
7854
7855
7856
7857
7858
7859
7860
7861
7862
7863
7864
7865
7866
7867
7868
7869
7870
7871
7872
7873
7874
7875
7876
7877
7878
7879
7880
7881
7882
7883
7884
7885
7886
7887
7888
7889
7890
7891
7892
7893
7894
7895
7896
7897
7898
7899
7900
7901
7902
7903
7904
7905
7906
7907
7908
7909
7910
7911
7912
7913
7914
7915
7916
7917
7918
7919
7920
7921
7922
7923
7924
7925
7926
7927
7928
7929
7930
7931
7932
7933
7934
7935
7936
7937
7938
7939
7940
7941
7942
7943
7944
7945
7946
7947
7948
7949
7950
7951
7952
7953
7954
7955
7956
7957
7958
7959
7960
7961
7962
7963
7964
7965
7966
7967
7968
7969
7970
7971
7972
7973
7974
7975
7976
7977
7978
7979
7980
7981
7982
7983
7984
7985
7986
7987
7988
7989
7990
7991
7992
7993
7994
7995
7996
7997
7998
7999
8000
8001
8002
8003
8004
8005
8006
8007
8008
8009
8010
8011
8012
8013
8014
8015
8016
8017
8018
8019
8020
8021
8022
8023
8024
8025
8026
8027
8028
8029
8030
8031
8032
8033
8034
8035
8036
8037
8038
8039
8040
8041
8042
8043
8044
8045
8046
8047
8048
8049
8050
8051
8052
8053
8054
8055
8056
8057
8058
8059
8060
8061
8062
8063
8064
8065
8066
8067
8068
8069
8070
8071
8072
8073
8074
8075
8076
8077
8078
8079
8080
8081
8082
8083
8084
8085
8086
8087
8088
8089
8090
8091
8092
8093
8094
8095
8096
8097
8098
8099
8100
8101
8102
8103
8104
8105
8106
8107
8108
8109
8110
8111
8112
8113
8114
8115
8116
8117
8118
8119
8120
8121
8122
8123
8124
8125
8126
8127
8128
8129
8130
8131
8132
8133
8134
8135
8136
8137
8138
8139
8140
8141
8142
8143
8144
8145
8146
8147
8148
8149
8150
8151
8152
8153
8154
8155
8156
8157
8158
8159
8160
8161
8162
8163
8164
8165
8166
8167
8168
8169
8170
8171
8172
8173
8174
8175
8176
8177
8178
8179
8180
8181
8182
8183
8184
8185
8186
8187
8188
8189
8190
8191
8192
8193
8194
8195
8196
8197
8198
8199
8200
8201
8202
8203
8204
8205
8206
8207
8208
8209
8210
8211
8212
8213
8214
8215
8216
8217
8218
8219
8220
8221
8222
8223
8224
8225
8226
8227
8228
8229
8230
8231
8232
8233
8234
8235
8236
8237
8238
8239
8240
8241
8242
8243
8244
8245
8246
8247
8248
8249
8250
8251
8252
8253
8254
8255
8256
8257
8258
8259
8260
8261
8262
8263
8264
8265
8266
8267
8268
8269
8270
8271
8272
8273
8274
8275
8276
8277
8278
8279
8280
8281
8282
8283
8284
8285
8286
8287
8288
8289
8290
8291
8292
8293
8294
8295
8296
8297
8298
8299
8300
8301
8302
8303
8304
8305
8306
8307
8308
8309
8310
8311
8312
8313
8314
8315
8316
8317
8318
8319
8320
8321
8322
8323
8324
8325
8326
8327
8328
8329
8330
8331
8332
8333
8334
8335
8336
8337
8338
8339
8340
8341
8342
8343
8344
8345
8346
8347
8348
8349
8350
8351
8352
8353
8354
8355
8356
8357
8358
8359
8360
8361
8362
8363
8364
8365
8366
8367
8368
8369
8370
8371
8372
8373
8374
8375
8376
8377
8378
8379
8380
8381
8382
8383
8384
8385
8386
8387
8388
8389
8390
8391
8392
8393
8394
8395
8396
8397
8398
8399
8400
8401
8402
8403
8404
8405
8406
8407
8408
8409
8410
8411
8412
8413
8414
8415
8416
8417
8418
8419
8420
8421
8422
8423
8424
8425
8426
8427
8428
8429
8430
8431
8432
8433
8434
8435
8436
8437
8438
8439
8440
8441
8442
8443
8444
8445
8446
8447
8448
8449
8450
8451
8452
8453
8454
8455
8456
8457
8458
8459
8460
8461
8462
8463
8464
8465
8466
8467
8468
8469
8470
8471
8472
8473
8474
8475
8476
8477
8478
8479
8480
8481
8482
8483
8484
8485
8486
8487
8488
8489
8490
8491
8492
8493
8494
8495
8496
8497
8498
8499
8500
8501
8502
8503
8504
8505
8506
8507
8508
8509
8510
8511
8512
8513
8514
8515
8516
8517
8518
8519
8520
8521
8522
8523
8524
8525
8526
8527
8528
8529
8530
8531
8532
8533
8534
8535
8536
8537
8538
8539
8540
8541
8542
8543
8544
8545
8546
8547
8548
8549
8550
8551
8552
8553
8554
8555
8556
8557
8558
8559
8560
8561
8562
8563
8564
8565
8566
8567
8568
8569
8570
8571
8572
8573
8574
8575
8576
8577
8578
8579
8580
8581
8582
8583
8584
8585
8586
8587
8588
8589
8590
8591
8592
8593
8594
8595
8596
8597
8598
8599
8600
8601
8602
8603
8604
8605
8606
8607
8608
8609
8610
8611
8612
8613
8614
8615
8616
8617
8618
8619
8620
8621
8622
8623
8624
8625
8626
8627
8628
8629
8630
8631
8632
8633
8634
8635
8636
8637
8638
8639
8640
8641
8642
8643
8644
8645
8646
8647
8648
8649
8650
8651
8652
8653
8654
8655
8656
8657
8658
8659
8660
8661
8662
8663
8664
8665
8666
8667
8668
8669
8670
8671
8672
8673
8674
8675
8676
8677
8678
8679
8680
8681
8682
8683
8684
8685
8686
8687
8688
8689
8690
8691
8692
8693
8694
8695
8696
8697
8698
8699
8700
8701
8702
8703
8704
8705
8706
8707
8708
8709
8710
8711
8712
8713
8714
8715
8716
8717
8718
8719
8720
8721
8722
8723
8724
8725
8726
8727
8728
8729
8730
8731
8732
8733
8734
8735
8736
8737
8738
8739
8740
8741
8742
8743
8744
8745
8746
8747
8748
8749
8750
8751
8752
8753
8754
8755
8756
8757
8758
8759
8760
8761
8762
8763
8764
8765
8766
8767
8768
8769
8770
8771
8772
8773
8774
8775
8776
8777
8778
8779
8780
8781
8782
8783
8784
8785
8786
8787
8788
8789
8790
8791
8792
8793
8794
8795
8796
8797
8798
8799
8800
8801
8802
8803
8804
8805
8806
8807
8808
8809
8810
8811
8812
8813
8814
8815
8816
8817
8818
8819
8820
8821
8822
8823
8824
8825
8826
8827
8828
8829
8830
8831
8832
8833
8834
8835
8836
8837
8838
8839
8840
8841
8842
8843
8844
8845
8846
8847
8848
8849
8850
8851
8852
8853
8854
8855
8856
8857
8858
8859
8860
8861
8862
8863
8864
8865
8866
8867
8868
8869
8870
8871
8872
8873
8874
8875
8876
8877
8878
8879
8880
8881
8882
8883
8884
8885
8886
8887
8888
8889
8890
8891
8892
8893
8894
8895
8896
8897
8898
8899
8900
8901
8902
8903
8904
8905
8906
8907
8908
8909
8910
8911
8912
8913
8914
8915
8916
8917
8918
8919
8920
8921
8922
8923
8924
8925
8926
8927
8928
8929
8930
8931
8932
8933
8934
8935
8936
8937
8938
8939
8940
8941
8942
8943
8944
8945
8946
8947
8948
8949
8950
8951
8952
8953
8954
8955
8956
8957
8958
8959
8960
8961
8962
8963
8964
8965
8966
8967
8968
8969
8970
8971
8972
8973
8974
8975
8976
8977
8978
8979
8980
8981
8982
8983
8984
8985
8986
8987
8988
8989
8990
8991
8992
8993
8994
8995
8996
8997
8998
8999
9000
9001
9002
9003
9004
9005
9006
9007
9008
9009
9010
9011
9012
9013
9014
9015
9016
9017
9018
9019
9020
9021
9022
9023
9024
9025
9026
9027
9028
9029
9030
9031
9032
9033
9034
9035
9036
9037
9038
9039
9040
9041
9042
9043
9044
9045
9046
9047
9048
9049
9050
9051
9052
9053
9054
9055
9056
9057
9058
9059
9060
9061
9062
9063
9064
9065
9066
9067
9068
9069
9070
9071
9072
9073
9074
9075
9076
9077
9078
9079
9080
9081
9082
9083
9084
9085
9086
9087
9088
9089
9090
9091
9092
9093
9094
9095
9096
9097
9098
9099
9100
9101
9102
9103
9104
9105
9106
9107
9108
9109
9110
9111
9112
9113
9114
9115
9116
9117
9118
9119
9120
9121
9122
9123
9124
9125
9126
9127
9128
9129
9130
9131
9132
9133
9134
9135
9136
9137
9138
9139
9140
9141
9142
9143
9144
9145
9146
9147
9148
9149
9150
9151
9152
9153
9154
9155
9156
9157
9158
9159
9160
9161
9162
9163
9164
9165
9166
9167
9168
9169
9170
9171
9172
9173
9174
9175
9176
9177
9178
9179
9180
9181
9182
9183
9184
9185
9186
9187
9188
9189
9190
9191
9192
9193
9194
9195
9196
9197
9198
9199
9200
9201
9202
9203
9204
9205
9206
9207
9208
9209
9210
9211
9212
9213
9214
9215
9216
9217
9218
9219
9220
9221
9222
9223
9224
9225
9226
9227
9228
9229
9230
9231
9232
9233
9234
9235
9236
9237
9238
9239
9240
9241
9242
9243
9244
9245
9246
9247
9248
9249
9250
9251
9252
9253
9254
9255
9256
9257
9258
9259
9260
9261
9262
9263
9264
9265
9266
9267
9268
9269
9270
9271
9272
9273
9274
9275
9276
9277
9278
9279
9280
9281
9282
9283
9284
9285
9286
9287
9288
9289
9290
9291
9292
9293
9294
9295
9296
9297
9298
9299
9300
9301
9302
9303
9304
9305
9306
9307
9308
9309
9310
9311
9312
9313
9314
9315
9316
9317
9318
9319
9320
9321
9322
9323
9324
9325
9326
9327
9328
9329
9330
9331
9332
9333
9334
9335
9336
9337
9338
9339
9340
9341
9342
9343
9344
9345
9346
9347
9348
9349
9350
9351
9352
9353
9354
9355
9356
9357
9358
9359
9360
9361
9362
9363
9364
9365
9366
9367
9368
9369
9370
9371
9372
9373
9374
9375
9376
9377
9378
9379
9380
9381
9382
9383
9384
9385
9386
9387
9388
9389
9390
9391
9392
9393
9394
9395
9396
9397
9398
9399
9400
9401
9402
9403
9404
9405
9406
9407
9408
9409
9410
9411
9412
9413
9414
9415
9416
9417
9418
9419
9420
9421
9422
9423
9424
9425
9426
9427
9428
9429
9430
9431
9432
9433
9434
9435
9436
9437
9438
9439
9440
9441
9442
9443
9444
9445
9446
9447
9448
9449
9450
9451
9452
9453
9454
9455
9456
9457
9458
9459
9460
9461
9462
9463
9464
9465
9466
9467
9468
9469
9470
9471
9472
9473
9474
9475
9476
9477
9478
9479
9480
9481
9482
9483
9484
9485
9486
9487
9488
9489
9490
9491
9492
9493
9494
9495
9496
9497
9498
9499
9500
9501
9502
9503
9504
9505
9506
9507
9508
9509
9510
9511
9512
9513
9514
9515
9516
9517
9518
9519
9520
9521
9522
9523
9524
9525
9526
9527
9528
9529
9530
9531
9532
9533
9534
9535
9536
9537
9538
9539
9540
9541
9542
9543
9544
9545
9546
9547
9548
9549
9550
9551
9552
9553
9554
9555
9556
9557
9558
9559
9560
9561
9562
9563
9564
9565
9566
9567
9568
9569
9570
9571
9572
9573
9574
9575
9576
9577
9578
9579
9580
9581
9582
9583
9584
9585
9586
9587
9588
9589
9590
9591
9592
9593
9594
9595
9596
9597
9598
9599
9600
9601
9602
9603
9604
9605
9606
9607
9608
9609
9610
9611
9612
9613
9614
9615
9616
9617
9618
9619
9620
9621
9622
9623
9624
9625
9626
9627
9628
9629
9630
9631
9632
9633
9634
9635
9636
9637
9638
9639
9640
9641
9642
9643
9644
9645
9646
9647
9648
9649
9650
9651
9652
9653
9654
9655
9656
9657
9658
9659
9660
9661
9662
9663
9664
9665
9666
9667
9668
9669
9670
9671
9672
9673
9674
9675
9676
9677
9678
9679
9680
9681
9682
9683
9684
9685
9686
9687
9688
9689
9690
9691
9692
9693
9694
9695
9696
9697
9698
9699
9700
9701
9702
9703
9704
9705
9706
9707
9708
9709
9710
9711
9712
9713
9714
9715
9716
9717
9718
9719
9720
9721
9722
9723
9724
9725
9726
9727
9728
9729
9730
9731
9732
9733
9734
9735
9736
9737
9738
9739
9740
9741
9742
9743
9744
9745
9746
9747
9748
9749
9750
9751
9752
9753
9754
9755
9756
9757
9758
9759
9760
9761
9762
9763
9764
9765
9766
9767
9768
9769
9770
9771
9772
9773
9774
9775
9776
9777
9778
9779
9780
9781
9782
9783
9784
9785
9786
9787
9788
9789
9790
9791
9792
9793
9794
9795
9796
9797
9798
9799
9800
9801
9802
9803
9804
9805
9806
9807
9808
9809
9810
9811
9812
9813
9814
9815
9816
9817
9818
9819
9820
9821
9822
9823
9824
9825
9826
9827
9828
9829
9830
9831
9832
9833
9834
9835
9836
9837
9838
9839
9840
9841
9842
9843
9844
9845
9846
9847
9848
9849
9850
9851
9852
9853
9854
9855
9856
9857
9858
9859
9860
9861
9862
9863
9864
9865
9866
9867
9868
9869
9870
9871
9872
9873
9874
9875
9876
9877
9878
9879
9880
9881
9882
9883
9884
9885
9886
9887
9888
9889
9890
9891
9892
9893
9894
9895
9896
9897
9898
9899
9900
9901
9902
9903
9904
9905
9906
9907
9908
9909
9910
9911
9912
9913
9914
9915
9916
9917
9918
9919
9920
9921
9922
9923
9924
9925
9926
9927
9928
9929
9930
9931
9932
9933
9934
9935
9936
9937
9938
9939
9940
9941
9942
9943
9944
9945
9946
9947
9948
9949
9950
9951
9952
9953
9954
9955
9956
9957
9958
9959
9960
9961
9962
9963
9964
9965
9966
9967
9968
9969
9970
9971
9972
9973
9974
9975
9976
9977
9978
9979
9980
9981
9982
9983
9984
9985
9986
9987
9988
9989
9990
9991
9992
9993
9994
9995
9996
9997
9998
9999
10000
10001
10002
10003
10004
10005
10006
10007
10008
10009
10010
10011
10012
10013
10014
10015
10016
10017
10018
10019
10020
10021
10022
10023
10024
10025
10026
10027
10028
10029
10030
10031
10032
10033
10034
10035
10036
10037
10038
10039
10040
10041
10042
10043
10044
10045
10046
10047
10048
10049
10050
10051
10052
10053
10054
10055
10056
10057
10058
10059
10060
10061
10062
10063
10064
10065
10066
10067
10068
10069
10070
10071
10072
10073
10074
10075
10076
10077
10078
10079
10080
10081
10082
10083
10084
10085
10086
10087
10088
10089
10090
10091
10092
10093
10094
10095
10096
10097
10098
10099
10100
10101
10102
10103
10104
10105
10106
10107
10108
10109
10110
10111
10112
10113
10114
10115
10116
10117
10118
10119
10120
10121
10122
10123
10124
10125
10126
10127
10128
10129
10130
10131
10132
10133
10134
10135
10136
10137
10138
10139
10140
10141
10142
10143
10144
10145
10146
10147
10148
10149
10150
10151
10152
10153
10154
10155
10156
10157
10158
10159
10160
10161
10162
10163
10164
10165
10166
10167
10168
10169
10170
10171
10172
10173
10174
10175
10176
10177
10178
10179
10180
10181
10182
10183
10184
10185
10186
10187
10188
10189
10190
10191
10192
10193
10194
10195
10196
10197
10198
10199
10200
10201
10202
10203
10204
10205
10206
10207
10208
10209
10210
10211
10212
10213
10214
10215
10216
10217
10218
10219
10220
10221
10222
10223
10224
10225
10226
10227
10228
10229
10230
10231
10232
10233
10234
10235
10236
10237
10238
10239
10240
10241
10242
10243
10244
10245
10246
10247
10248
10249
10250
10251
10252
10253
10254
10255
10256
10257
10258
10259
10260
10261
10262
10263
10264
10265
10266
10267
10268
10269
10270
10271
10272
10273
10274
10275
10276
10277
10278
10279
10280
10281
10282
10283
10284
10285
10286
10287
10288
10289
10290
10291
10292
10293
10294
10295
10296
10297
10298
10299
10300
10301
10302
10303
10304
10305
10306
10307
10308
10309
10310
10311
10312
10313
10314
10315
10316
10317
10318
10319
10320
10321
10322
10323
10324
10325
10326
10327
10328
10329
10330
10331
10332
10333
10334
10335
10336
10337
10338
10339
10340
10341
10342
10343
10344
10345
10346
10347
10348
10349
10350
10351
10352
10353
10354
10355
10356
10357
10358
10359
10360
10361
10362
10363
10364
10365
10366
10367
10368
10369
10370
10371
10372
10373
10374
10375
10376
10377
10378
10379
10380
10381
10382
10383
10384
10385
10386
10387
10388
10389
10390
10391
10392
10393
10394
10395
10396
10397
10398
10399
10400
10401
10402
10403
10404
10405
10406
10407
10408
10409
10410
10411
10412
10413
10414
10415
10416
10417
10418
10419
10420
10421
10422
10423
10424
10425
10426
10427
10428
10429
10430
10431
10432
10433
10434
10435
10436
10437
10438
10439
10440
10441
10442
10443
10444
10445
10446
10447
10448
10449
10450
10451
10452
10453
10454
10455
10456
10457
10458
10459
10460
10461
10462
10463
10464
10465
10466
10467
10468
10469
10470
10471
10472
10473
10474
10475
10476
10477
10478
10479
10480
10481
10482
10483
10484
10485
10486
10487
10488
10489
10490
10491
10492
10493
10494
10495
10496
10497
10498
10499
10500
10501
10502
10503
10504
10505
10506
10507
10508
10509
10510
10511
10512
10513
10514
10515
10516
10517
10518
10519
10520
10521
10522
10523
10524
10525
10526
10527
10528
10529
10530
10531
10532
10533
10534
10535
10536
10537
10538
10539
10540
10541
10542
10543
10544
10545
10546
10547
10548
10549
10550
10551
10552
10553
10554
10555
10556
10557
10558
10559
10560
10561
10562
10563
10564
10565
10566
10567
10568
10569
10570
10571
10572
10573
10574
10575
10576
10577
10578
10579
10580
10581
10582
10583
10584
10585
10586
10587
10588
10589
10590
10591
10592
10593
10594
10595
10596
10597
10598
10599
10600
10601
10602
10603
10604
10605
10606
10607
10608
10609
10610
10611
10612
10613
10614
10615
10616
10617
10618
10619
10620
10621
10622
10623
10624
10625
10626
10627
10628
10629
10630
10631
10632
10633
10634
10635
10636
10637
10638
10639
10640
10641
10642
10643
10644
10645
10646
10647
10648
10649
10650
10651
10652
10653
10654
10655
10656
10657
10658
10659
10660
10661
10662
10663
10664
10665
10666
10667
10668
10669
10670
10671
10672
10673
10674
10675
10676
10677
10678
10679
10680
10681
10682
10683
10684
10685
10686
10687
10688
10689
10690
10691
10692
10693
10694
10695
10696
10697
10698
10699
10700
10701
10702
10703
10704
10705
10706
10707
10708
10709
10710
10711
10712
10713
10714
10715
10716
10717
10718
10719
10720
10721
10722
10723
10724
10725
10726
10727
10728
10729
10730
10731
10732
10733
10734
10735
10736
10737
10738
10739
10740
10741
10742
10743
10744
10745
10746
10747
10748
10749
10750
10751
10752
10753
10754
10755
10756
10757
10758
10759
10760
10761
10762
10763
10764
10765
10766
10767
10768
10769
10770
10771
10772
10773
10774
10775
10776
10777
10778
10779
10780
10781
10782
10783
10784
10785
10786
10787
10788
10789
10790
10791
10792
10793
10794
10795
10796
10797
10798
10799
10800
10801
10802
10803
10804
10805
10806
10807
10808
10809
10810
10811
10812
10813
10814
10815
10816
10817
10818
10819
10820
10821
10822
10823
10824
10825
10826
10827
10828
10829
10830
10831
10832
10833
10834
10835
10836
10837
10838
10839
10840
10841
10842
10843
10844
10845
10846
10847
10848
10849
10850
10851
10852
10853
10854
10855
10856
10857
10858
10859
10860
10861
10862
10863
10864
10865
10866
10867
10868
10869
10870
10871
10872
10873
10874
10875
10876
10877
10878
10879
10880
10881
10882
10883
10884
10885
10886
10887
10888
10889
10890
10891
10892
10893
10894
10895
10896
10897
10898
10899
10900
10901
10902
10903
10904
10905
10906
10907
10908
10909
10910
10911
10912
10913
10914
10915
10916
10917
10918
10919
10920
10921
10922
10923
10924
10925
10926
10927
10928
10929
10930
10931
10932
10933
10934
10935
10936
10937
10938
10939
10940
10941
10942
10943
10944
10945
10946
10947
10948
10949
10950
10951
10952
10953
10954
10955
10956
10957
10958
10959
10960
10961
10962
10963
10964
10965
10966
10967
10968
10969
10970
10971
10972
10973
10974
10975
10976
10977
10978
10979
10980
10981
10982
10983
10984
10985
10986
10987
10988
10989
10990
10991
10992
10993
10994
10995
10996
10997
10998
10999
11000
11001
11002
11003
11004
11005
11006
11007
11008
11009
11010
11011
11012
11013
11014
11015
11016
11017
11018
11019
11020
11021
11022
11023
11024
11025
11026
11027
11028
11029
11030
11031
11032
11033
11034
11035
11036
11037
11038
11039
11040
11041
11042
11043
11044
11045
11046
11047
11048
11049
11050
11051
11052
11053
11054
11055
11056
11057
11058
11059
11060
11061
11062
11063
11064
11065
11066
11067
11068
11069
11070
11071
11072
11073
11074
11075
11076
11077
11078
11079
11080
11081
11082
11083
11084
11085
11086
11087
11088
11089
11090
11091
11092
11093
11094
11095
11096
11097
11098
11099
11100
11101
11102
11103
11104
11105
11106
11107
11108
11109
11110
11111
11112
11113
11114
11115
11116
11117
11118
11119
11120
11121
11122
11123
11124
11125
11126
11127
11128
11129
11130
11131
11132
11133
11134
11135
11136
11137
11138
11139
11140
11141
11142
11143
11144
11145
11146
11147
11148
11149
11150
11151
11152
11153
11154
11155
11156
11157
11158
11159
11160
11161
11162
11163
11164
11165
11166
11167
11168
11169
11170
11171
11172
11173
11174
11175
11176
11177
11178
11179
11180
11181
11182
11183
11184
11185
11186
11187
11188
11189
11190
11191
11192
11193
11194
11195
11196
11197
11198
11199
11200
11201
11202
11203
11204
11205
11206
11207
11208
11209
11210
11211
11212
11213
11214
11215
11216
11217
11218
11219
11220
11221
11222
11223
11224
11225
11226
11227
11228
11229
11230
11231
11232
11233
11234
11235
11236
11237
11238
11239
11240
11241
11242
11243
11244
11245
11246
11247
11248
11249
11250
11251
11252
11253
11254
11255
11256
11257
11258
11259
11260
11261
11262
11263
11264
11265
11266
11267
11268
11269
11270
11271
11272
11273
11274
11275
11276
11277
11278
11279
11280
11281
11282
11283
11284
11285
11286
11287
11288
11289
11290
11291
11292
11293
11294
11295
11296
11297
11298
11299
11300
11301
11302
11303
11304
11305
11306
11307
11308
11309
11310
11311
11312
11313
11314
11315
11316
11317
11318
11319
11320
11321
11322
11323
11324
11325
11326
11327
11328
11329
11330
11331
11332
11333
11334
11335
11336
11337
11338
11339
11340
11341
11342
11343
11344
11345
11346
11347
11348
11349
11350
11351
11352
11353
11354
11355
11356
11357
11358
11359
11360
11361
11362
11363
11364
11365
11366
11367
11368
11369
11370
11371
11372
11373
11374
11375
11376
11377
11378
11379
11380
11381
11382
11383
11384
11385
11386
11387
11388
11389
11390
11391
11392
11393
11394
11395
11396
11397
11398
11399
11400
11401
11402
11403
11404
11405
11406
11407
11408
11409
11410
11411
11412
11413
11414
11415
11416
11417
11418
11419
11420
11421
11422
11423
11424
11425
11426
11427
11428
11429
11430
11431
11432
11433
11434
11435
11436
11437
11438
11439
11440
11441
11442
11443
11444
11445
11446
11447
11448
11449
11450
11451
11452
11453
11454
11455
11456
11457
11458
11459
11460
11461
11462
11463
11464
11465
11466
11467
11468
11469
11470
11471
11472
11473
11474
11475
11476
11477
11478
11479
11480
11481
11482
11483
11484
11485
11486
11487
11488
11489
11490
11491
11492
11493
11494
11495
11496
11497
11498
11499
11500
11501
11502
11503
11504
11505
11506
11507
11508
11509
11510
11511
11512
11513
11514
11515
11516
11517
11518
11519
11520
11521
11522
11523
11524
11525
11526
11527
11528
11529
11530
11531
11532
11533
11534
11535
11536
11537
11538
11539
11540
11541
11542
11543
11544
11545
11546
11547
11548
11549
11550
11551
11552
11553
11554
11555
11556
11557
11558
11559
11560
11561
11562
11563
11564
11565
11566
11567
11568
11569
11570
11571
11572
11573
11574
11575
11576
11577
11578
11579
11580
11581
11582
11583
11584
11585
11586
11587
11588
11589
11590
11591
11592
11593
11594
11595
11596
11597
11598
11599
11600
11601
11602
11603
11604
11605
11606
11607
11608
11609
11610
11611
11612
11613
11614
11615
11616
11617
11618
11619
11620
11621
11622
11623
11624
11625
11626
11627
11628
11629
11630
11631
11632
11633
11634
11635
11636
11637
11638
11639
11640
11641
11642
11643
11644
11645
11646
11647
11648
11649
11650
11651
11652
11653
11654
11655
11656
11657
11658
11659
11660
11661
11662
11663
11664
11665
11666
11667
11668
11669
11670
11671
11672
11673
11674
11675
11676
11677
11678
11679
11680
11681
11682
11683
11684
11685
11686
11687
11688
11689
11690
11691
11692
11693
11694
11695
11696
11697
11698
11699
11700
11701
11702
11703
11704
11705
11706
11707
11708
11709
11710
11711
11712
11713
11714
11715
11716
11717
11718
11719
11720
11721
11722
11723
11724
11725
11726
11727
11728
11729
11730
11731
11732
11733
11734
11735
11736
11737
11738
11739
11740
11741
11742
11743
11744
11745
11746
11747
11748
11749
11750
11751
11752
11753
11754
11755
11756
11757
11758
11759
11760
11761
11762
11763
11764
11765
11766
11767
11768
11769
11770
11771
11772
11773
11774
11775
11776
11777
11778
11779
11780
11781
11782
11783
11784
11785
11786
11787
11788
11789
11790
11791
11792
11793
11794
11795
11796
11797
11798
11799
11800
11801
11802
11803
11804
11805
11806
11807
11808
11809
11810
11811
11812
11813
11814
11815
11816
11817
11818
11819
11820
11821
11822
11823
11824
11825
11826
11827
11828
11829
11830
11831
11832
11833
11834
11835
11836
11837
11838
11839
11840
11841
11842
11843
11844
11845
11846
11847
11848
11849
11850
11851
11852
11853
11854
11855
11856
11857
11858
11859
11860
11861
11862
11863
11864
11865
11866
11867
11868
11869
11870
11871
11872
11873
11874
11875
11876
11877
11878
11879
11880
11881
11882
11883
11884
11885
11886
11887
11888
11889
11890
11891
11892
11893
11894
11895
11896
11897
11898
11899
11900
11901
11902
11903
11904
11905
11906
11907
11908
11909
11910
11911
11912
11913
11914
11915
11916
11917
11918
11919
11920
11921
11922
11923
11924
11925
11926
11927
11928
11929
11930
11931
11932
11933
11934
11935
11936
11937
11938
11939
11940
11941
11942
11943
11944
11945
11946
11947
11948
11949
11950
11951
11952
11953
11954
11955
11956
11957
11958
11959
11960
11961
11962
11963
11964
11965
11966
11967
11968
11969
11970
11971
11972
11973
11974
11975
11976
11977
11978
11979
11980
11981
11982
11983
11984
11985
11986
11987
11988
11989
11990
11991
11992
11993
11994
11995
11996
11997
11998
11999
12000
12001
12002
12003
12004
12005
12006
12007
12008
12009
12010
12011
12012
12013
12014
12015
12016
12017
12018
12019
12020
12021
12022
12023
12024
12025
12026
12027
12028
12029
12030
12031
12032
12033
12034
12035
12036
12037
12038
12039
12040
12041
12042
12043
12044
12045
12046
12047
12048
12049
12050
12051
12052
12053
12054
12055
12056
12057
12058
12059
12060
12061
12062
12063
12064
12065
12066
12067
12068
12069
12070
12071
12072
12073
12074
12075
12076
12077
12078
12079
12080
12081
12082
12083
12084
12085
12086
12087
12088
12089
12090
12091
12092
12093
12094
12095
12096
12097
12098
12099
12100
12101
12102
12103
12104
12105
12106
12107
12108
12109
12110
12111
12112
12113
12114
12115
12116
12117
12118
12119
12120
12121
12122
12123
12124
12125
12126
12127
12128
12129
12130
12131
12132
12133
12134
12135
12136
12137
12138
12139
12140
12141
12142
12143
12144
12145
12146
12147
12148
12149
12150
12151
12152
12153
12154
12155
12156
12157
12158
12159
12160
12161
12162
12163
12164
12165
12166
12167
12168
12169
12170
12171
12172
12173
12174
12175
12176
12177
12178
12179
12180
12181
12182
12183
12184
12185
12186
12187
12188
12189
12190
12191
12192
12193
12194
12195
12196
12197
12198
12199
12200
12201
12202
12203
12204
12205
12206
12207
12208
12209
12210
12211
12212
12213
12214
12215
12216
12217
12218
12219
12220
12221
12222
12223
12224
12225
12226
12227
12228
12229
12230
12231
12232
12233
12234
12235
12236
12237
12238
12239
12240
12241
12242
12243
12244
12245
12246
12247
12248
12249
12250
12251
12252
12253
12254
12255
12256
12257
12258
12259
12260
12261
12262
12263
12264
12265
12266
12267
12268
12269
12270
12271
12272
12273
12274
12275
12276
12277
12278
12279
12280
12281
12282
12283
12284
12285
12286
12287
12288
12289
12290
12291
12292
12293
12294
12295
12296
12297
12298
12299
12300
12301
12302
12303
12304
12305
12306
12307
12308
12309
12310
12311
12312
12313
12314
12315
12316
12317
12318
12319
12320
12321
12322
12323
12324
12325
12326
12327
12328
12329
12330
12331
12332
12333
12334
12335
12336
12337
12338
12339
12340
12341
12342
12343
12344
12345
12346
12347
12348
12349
12350
12351
12352
12353
12354
12355
12356
12357
12358
12359
12360
12361
12362
12363
12364
12365
12366
12367
12368
12369
12370
12371
12372
12373
12374
12375
12376
12377
12378
12379
12380
12381
12382
12383
12384
12385
12386
12387
12388
12389
12390
12391
12392
12393
12394
12395
12396
12397
12398
12399
12400
12401
12402
12403
12404
12405
12406
12407
12408
12409
12410
12411
12412
12413
12414
12415
12416
12417
12418
12419
12420
12421
12422
12423
12424
12425
12426
12427
12428
12429
12430
12431
12432
12433
12434
12435
12436
12437
12438
12439
12440
12441
12442
12443
12444
12445
12446
12447
12448
12449
12450
12451
12452
12453
12454
12455
12456
12457
12458
12459
12460
12461
12462
12463
12464
12465
12466
12467
12468
12469
12470
12471
12472
12473
12474
12475
12476
12477
12478
12479
12480
12481
12482
12483
12484
12485
12486
12487
12488
12489
12490
12491
12492
12493
12494
12495
12496
12497
12498
12499
12500
12501
12502
12503
12504
12505
12506
12507
12508
12509
12510
12511
12512
12513
12514
12515
12516
12517
12518
12519
12520
12521
12522
12523
12524
12525
12526
12527
12528
12529
12530
12531
12532
12533
12534
12535
12536
12537
12538
12539
12540
12541
12542
12543
12544
12545
12546
12547
12548
12549
12550
12551
12552
12553
12554
12555
12556
12557
12558
12559
12560
12561
12562
12563
12564
12565
12566
12567
12568
12569
12570
12571
12572
12573
12574
12575
12576
12577
12578
12579
12580
12581
12582
12583
12584
12585
12586
12587
12588
12589
12590
12591
12592
12593
12594
12595
12596
12597
12598
12599
12600
12601
12602
12603
12604
12605
12606
12607
12608
12609
12610
12611
12612
12613
12614
12615
12616
12617
12618
12619
12620
12621
12622
12623
12624
12625
12626
12627
12628
12629
12630
12631
12632
12633
12634
12635
12636
12637
12638
12639
12640
12641
12642
12643
12644
12645
12646
12647
12648
12649
12650
12651
12652
12653
12654
12655
12656
12657
12658
12659
12660
12661
12662
12663
12664
12665
12666
12667
12668
12669
12670
12671
12672
12673
12674
12675
12676
12677
12678
12679
12680
12681
12682
12683
12684
12685
12686
12687
12688
12689
12690
12691
12692
12693
12694
12695
12696
12697
12698
12699
12700
12701
12702
12703
12704
12705
12706
12707
12708
12709
12710
12711
12712
12713
12714
12715
12716
12717
12718
12719
12720
12721
12722
12723
12724
12725
12726
12727
12728
12729
12730
12731
12732
12733
12734
12735
12736
12737
12738
12739
12740
12741
12742
12743
12744
12745
12746
12747
12748
12749
12750
12751
12752
12753
12754
12755
12756
12757
12758
12759
12760
12761
12762
12763
12764
12765
12766
12767
12768
12769
12770
12771
12772
12773
12774
12775
12776
12777
12778
12779
12780
12781
12782
12783
12784
12785
12786
12787
12788
12789
12790
12791
12792
12793
12794
12795
12796
12797
12798
12799
12800
12801
12802
12803
12804
12805
12806
12807
12808
12809
12810
12811
12812
12813
12814
12815
12816
12817
12818
12819
12820
12821
12822
12823
12824
12825
12826
12827
12828
12829
12830
12831
12832
12833
12834
12835
12836
12837
12838
12839
12840
12841
12842
12843
12844
12845
12846
12847
12848
12849
12850
12851
12852
12853
12854
12855
12856
12857
12858
12859
12860
12861
12862
12863
12864
12865
12866
12867
12868
12869
12870
12871
12872
12873
12874
12875
12876
12877
12878
12879
12880
12881
12882
12883
12884
12885
12886
12887
12888
12889
12890
12891
12892
12893
12894
12895
12896
12897
12898
12899
12900
12901
12902
12903
12904
12905
12906
12907
12908
12909
12910
12911
12912
12913
12914
12915
12916
12917
12918
12919
12920
12921
12922
12923
12924
12925
12926
12927
12928
12929
12930
12931
12932
12933
12934
12935
12936
12937
12938
12939
12940
12941
12942
12943
12944
12945
12946
12947
12948
12949
12950
12951
12952
12953
12954
12955
12956
12957
12958
12959
12960
12961
12962
12963
12964
12965
12966
12967
12968
12969
12970
12971
12972
12973
12974
12975
12976
12977
12978
12979
12980
12981
12982
12983
12984
12985
12986
12987
12988
12989
12990
12991
12992
12993
12994
12995
12996
12997
12998
12999
13000
13001
13002
13003
13004
13005
13006
13007
13008
13009
13010
13011
13012
13013
13014
13015
13016
13017
13018
13019
13020
13021
13022
13023
13024
13025
13026
13027
13028
13029
13030
13031
13032
13033
13034
13035
13036
13037
13038
13039
13040
13041
13042
13043
13044
13045
13046
13047
13048
13049
13050
13051
13052
13053
13054
13055
13056
13057
13058
13059
13060
13061
13062
13063
13064
13065
13066
13067
13068
13069
13070
13071
13072
13073
13074
13075
13076
13077
13078
13079
13080
13081
13082
13083
13084
13085
13086
13087
13088
13089
13090
13091
13092
13093
13094
13095
13096
13097
13098
13099
13100
13101
13102
13103
13104
13105
13106
13107
13108
13109
13110
13111
13112
13113
13114
13115
13116
13117
13118
13119
13120
13121
13122
13123
13124
13125
13126
13127
13128
13129
13130
13131
13132
13133
13134
13135
13136
13137
13138
13139
13140
13141
13142
13143
13144
13145
13146
13147
13148
13149
13150
13151
13152
13153
13154
13155
13156
13157
13158
13159
13160
13161
13162
13163
13164
13165
13166
13167
13168
13169
13170
13171
13172
13173
13174
13175
13176
13177
13178
13179
13180
13181
13182
13183
13184
13185
13186
13187
13188
13189
13190
13191
13192
13193
13194
13195
13196
13197
13198
13199
13200
13201
13202
13203
13204
13205
13206
13207
13208
13209
13210
13211
13212
13213
13214
13215
13216
13217
13218
13219
13220
13221
13222
13223
13224
13225
13226
13227
13228
13229
13230
13231
13232
13233
13234
13235
13236
13237
13238
13239
13240
13241
13242
13243
13244
13245
13246
13247
13248
13249
13250
13251
13252
13253
13254
13255
13256
13257
13258
13259
13260
13261
13262
13263
13264
13265
13266
13267
13268
13269
13270
13271
13272
13273
13274
13275
13276
13277
13278
13279
13280
13281
13282
13283
13284
13285
13286
13287
13288
13289
13290
13291
13292
13293
13294
13295
13296
13297
13298
13299
13300
13301
13302
13303
13304
13305
13306
13307
13308
13309
13310
13311
13312
13313
13314
13315
13316
13317
13318
13319
13320
13321
13322
13323
13324
13325
13326
13327
13328
13329
13330
13331
13332
13333
13334
13335
13336
13337
13338
13339
13340
13341
13342
13343
13344
13345
13346
13347
13348
13349
13350
13351
13352
13353
13354
13355
13356
13357
13358
13359
13360
13361
13362
13363
13364
13365
13366
13367
13368
13369
13370
13371
13372
13373
13374
13375
13376
13377
13378
13379
13380
13381
13382
13383
13384
13385
13386
13387
13388
13389
13390
13391
13392
13393
13394
13395
13396
13397
13398
13399
13400
13401
13402
13403
13404
13405
13406
13407
13408
13409
13410
13411
13412
13413
13414
13415
13416
13417
13418
13419
13420
13421
13422
13423
13424
13425
13426
13427
13428
13429
13430
13431
13432
13433
13434
13435
13436
13437
13438
13439
13440
13441
13442
13443
13444
13445
13446
13447
13448
13449
13450
13451
13452
13453
13454
13455
13456
13457
13458
13459
13460
13461
13462
13463
13464
13465
13466
13467
13468
13469
13470
13471
13472
13473
13474
13475
13476
13477
13478
13479
13480
13481
13482
13483
13484
13485
13486
13487
13488
13489
13490
13491
13492
13493
13494
13495
13496
13497
13498
13499
13500
13501
13502
13503
13504
13505
13506
13507
13508
13509
13510
13511
13512
13513
13514
13515
13516
13517
13518
13519
13520
13521
13522
13523
13524
13525
13526
13527
13528
13529
13530
13531
13532
13533
13534
13535
13536
13537
13538
13539
13540
13541
13542
13543
13544
13545
13546
13547
13548
13549
13550
13551
13552
13553
13554
13555
13556
13557
13558
13559
13560
13561
13562
13563
13564
13565
13566
13567
13568
13569
13570
13571
13572
13573
13574
13575
13576
13577
13578
13579
13580
13581
13582
13583
13584
13585
13586
13587
13588
13589
13590
13591
13592
13593
13594
13595
13596
13597
13598
13599
13600
13601
13602
13603
13604
13605
13606
13607
13608
13609
13610
13611
13612
13613
13614
13615
13616
13617
13618
13619
13620
13621
13622
13623
13624
13625
13626
13627
13628
13629
13630
13631
13632
13633
13634
13635
13636
13637
13638
13639
13640
13641
13642
13643
13644
13645
13646
13647
13648
13649
13650
13651
13652
13653
13654
13655
13656
13657
13658
13659
13660
13661
13662
13663
13664
13665
13666
13667
13668
13669
13670
13671
13672
13673
13674
13675
13676
13677
13678
13679
13680
13681
13682
13683
13684
13685
13686
13687
13688
13689
13690
13691
13692
13693
13694
13695
13696
13697
13698
13699
13700
13701
13702
13703
13704
13705
13706
13707
13708
13709
13710
13711
13712
13713
13714
13715
13716
13717
13718
13719
13720
13721
13722
13723
13724
13725
13726
13727
13728
13729
13730
13731
13732
13733
13734
13735
13736
13737
13738
13739
13740
13741
13742
13743
13744
13745
13746
13747
13748
13749
13750
13751
13752
13753
13754
13755
13756
13757
13758
13759
13760
13761
13762
13763
13764
13765
13766
13767
13768
13769
13770
13771
13772
13773
13774
13775
13776
13777
13778
13779
13780
13781
13782
13783
13784
13785
13786
13787
13788
13789
13790
13791
13792
13793
13794
13795
13796
13797
13798
13799
13800
13801
13802
13803
13804
13805
13806
13807
13808
13809
13810
13811
13812
13813
13814
13815
13816
13817
13818
13819
13820
13821
13822
13823
13824
13825
13826
13827
13828
13829
13830
13831
13832
13833
13834
13835
13836
13837
13838
13839
13840
13841
13842
13843
13844
13845
13846
13847
13848
13849
13850
13851
13852
13853
13854
13855
13856
13857
13858
13859
13860
13861
13862
13863
13864
13865
13866
13867
13868
13869
13870
13871
13872
13873
13874
13875
13876
13877
13878
13879
13880
13881
13882
13883
13884
13885
13886
13887
13888
13889
13890
13891
13892
13893
13894
13895
13896
13897
13898
13899
13900
13901
13902
13903
13904
13905
13906
13907
13908
13909
13910
13911
13912
13913
13914
13915
13916
13917
13918
13919
13920
13921
13922
13923
13924
13925
13926
13927
13928
13929
13930
13931
13932
13933
13934
13935
13936
13937
13938
13939
13940
13941
13942
13943
13944
13945
13946
13947
13948
13949
13950
13951
13952
13953
13954
13955
13956
13957
13958
13959
13960
13961
13962
13963
13964
13965
13966
13967
13968
13969
13970
13971
13972
13973
13974
13975
13976
13977
13978
13979
13980
13981
13982
13983
13984
13985
13986
13987
13988
13989
13990
13991
13992
13993
13994
13995
13996
13997
13998
13999
14000
14001
14002
14003
14004
14005
14006
14007
14008
14009
14010
14011
14012
14013
14014
14015
14016
14017
14018
14019
14020
14021
14022
14023
14024
14025
14026
14027
14028
14029
14030
14031
14032
14033
14034
14035
14036
14037
14038
14039
14040
14041
14042
14043
14044
14045
14046
14047
14048
14049
14050
14051
14052
14053
14054
14055
14056
14057
14058
14059
14060
14061
14062
14063
14064
14065
14066
14067
14068
14069
14070
14071
14072
14073
14074
14075
14076
14077
14078
14079
14080
14081
14082
14083
14084
14085
14086
14087
14088
14089
14090
14091
14092
14093
14094
14095
14096
14097
14098
14099
14100
14101
14102
14103
14104
14105
14106
14107
14108
14109
14110
14111
14112
14113
14114
14115
14116
14117
14118
14119
14120
14121
14122
14123
14124
14125
14126
14127
14128
14129
14130
14131
14132
14133
14134
14135
14136
14137
14138
14139
14140
14141
14142
14143
14144
14145
14146
14147
14148
14149
14150
14151
14152
14153
14154
14155
14156
14157
14158
14159
14160
14161
14162
14163
14164
14165
14166
14167
14168
14169
14170
14171
14172
14173
14174
14175
14176
14177
14178
14179
14180
14181
14182
14183
14184
14185
14186
14187
14188
14189
14190
14191
14192
14193
14194
14195
14196
14197
14198
14199
14200
14201
14202
14203
14204
14205
14206
14207
14208
14209
14210
14211
14212
14213
14214
14215
14216
14217
14218
14219
14220
14221
14222
14223
14224
14225
14226
14227
14228
14229
14230
14231
14232
14233
14234
14235
14236
14237
14238
14239
14240
14241
14242
14243
14244
14245
14246
14247
14248
14249
14250
14251
14252
14253
14254
14255
14256
14257
14258
14259
14260
14261
14262
14263
14264
14265
14266
14267
14268
14269
14270
14271
14272
14273
14274
14275
14276
14277
14278
14279
14280
14281
14282
14283
14284
14285
14286
14287
14288
14289
14290
14291
14292
14293
14294
14295
14296
14297
14298
14299
14300
14301
14302
14303
14304
14305
14306
14307
14308
14309
14310
14311
14312
14313
14314
14315
14316
14317
14318
14319
14320
14321
14322
14323
14324
14325
14326
14327
14328
14329
14330
14331
14332
14333
14334
14335
14336
14337
14338
14339
14340
14341
14342
14343
14344
14345
14346
14347
14348
14349
14350
14351
14352
14353
14354
14355
14356
14357
14358
14359
14360
14361
14362
14363
14364
14365
14366
14367
14368
14369
14370
14371
14372
14373
14374
14375
14376
14377
14378
14379
14380
14381
14382
14383
14384
14385
14386
14387
14388
14389
14390
14391
14392
14393
14394
14395
14396
14397
14398
14399
14400
14401
14402
14403
14404
14405
14406
14407
14408
14409
14410
14411
14412
14413
14414
14415
14416
14417
14418
14419
14420
14421
14422
14423
14424
14425
14426
14427
14428
14429
14430
14431
14432
14433
14434
14435
14436
14437
14438
14439
14440
14441
14442
14443
14444
14445
14446
14447
14448
14449
14450
14451
14452
14453
14454
14455
14456
14457
14458
14459
14460
14461
14462
14463
14464
14465
14466
14467
14468
14469
14470
14471
14472
14473
14474
14475
14476
14477
14478
14479
14480
14481
14482
14483
14484
14485
14486
14487
14488
14489
14490
14491
14492
14493
14494
14495
14496
14497
14498
14499
14500
14501
14502
14503
14504
14505
14506
14507
14508
14509
14510
14511
14512
14513
14514
14515
14516
14517
14518
14519
14520
14521
14522
14523
14524
14525
14526
14527
14528
14529
14530
14531
14532
14533
14534
14535
14536
14537
14538
14539
14540
14541
14542
14543
14544
14545
14546
14547
14548
14549
14550
14551
14552
14553
14554
14555
14556
14557
14558
14559
14560
14561
14562
14563
14564
14565
14566
14567
14568
14569
14570
14571
14572
14573
14574
14575
14576
14577
14578
14579
14580
14581
14582
14583
14584
14585
14586
14587
14588
14589
14590
14591
14592
14593
14594
14595
14596
14597
14598
14599
14600
14601
14602
14603
14604
14605
14606
14607
14608
14609
14610
14611
14612
14613
14614
14615
14616
14617
14618
14619
14620
14621
14622
14623
14624
14625
14626
14627
14628
14629
14630
14631
14632
14633
14634
14635
14636
14637
14638
14639
14640
14641
14642
14643
14644
14645
14646
14647
14648
14649
14650
14651
14652
14653
14654
14655
14656
14657
14658
14659
14660
14661
14662
14663
14664
14665
14666
14667
14668
14669
14670
14671
14672
14673
14674
14675
14676
14677
14678
14679
14680
14681
14682
14683
14684
14685
14686
14687
14688
14689
14690
14691
14692
14693
14694
14695
14696
14697
14698
14699
14700
14701
14702
14703
14704
14705
14706
14707
14708
14709
14710
14711
14712
14713
14714
14715
14716
14717
14718
14719
14720
14721
14722
14723
14724
14725
14726
14727
14728
14729
14730
14731
14732
14733
14734
14735
14736
14737
14738
14739
14740
14741
14742
14743
14744
14745
14746
14747
14748
14749
14750
14751
14752
14753
14754
14755
14756
14757
14758
14759
14760
14761
14762
14763
14764
14765
14766
14767
14768
14769
14770
14771
14772
14773
14774
14775
14776
14777
14778
14779
14780
14781
14782
14783
14784
14785
14786
14787
14788
14789
14790
14791
14792
14793
14794
14795
14796
14797
14798
14799
14800
14801
14802
14803
14804
14805
14806
14807
14808
14809
14810
14811
14812
14813
14814
14815
14816
14817
14818
14819
14820
14821
14822
14823
14824
14825
14826
14827
14828
14829
14830
14831
14832
14833
14834
14835
14836
14837
14838
14839
14840
14841
14842
14843
14844
14845
14846
14847
14848
14849
14850
14851
14852
14853
14854
14855
14856
14857
14858
14859
14860
14861
14862
14863
14864
14865
14866
14867
14868
14869
14870
14871
14872
14873
14874
14875
14876
14877
14878
14879
14880
14881
14882
14883
14884
14885
14886
14887
14888
14889
14890
14891
14892
14893
14894
14895
14896
14897
14898
14899
14900
14901
14902
14903
14904
14905
14906
14907
14908
14909
14910
14911
14912
14913
14914
14915
14916
14917
14918
14919
14920
14921
14922
14923
14924
14925
14926
14927
14928
14929
14930
14931
14932
14933
14934
14935
14936
14937
14938
14939
14940
14941
14942
14943
14944
14945
14946
14947
14948
14949
14950
14951
14952
14953
14954
14955
14956
14957
14958
14959
14960
14961
14962
14963
14964
14965
14966
14967
14968
14969
14970
14971
14972
14973
14974
14975
14976
14977
14978
14979
14980
14981
14982
14983
14984
14985
14986
14987
14988
14989
14990
14991
14992
14993
14994
14995
14996
14997
14998
14999
15000
15001
15002
15003
15004
15005
15006
15007
15008
15009
15010
15011
15012
15013
15014
15015
15016
15017
15018
15019
15020
15021
15022
15023
15024
15025
15026
15027
15028
15029
15030
15031
15032
15033
15034
15035
15036
15037
15038
15039
15040
15041
15042
15043
15044
15045
15046
15047
15048
15049
15050
15051
15052
15053
15054
15055
15056
15057
15058
15059
15060
15061
15062
15063
15064
15065
15066
15067
15068
15069
15070
15071
15072
15073
15074
15075
15076
15077
15078
15079
15080
15081
15082
15083
15084
15085
15086
15087
15088
15089
15090
15091
15092
15093
15094
15095
15096
15097
15098
15099
15100
15101
15102
15103
15104
15105
15106
15107
15108
15109
15110
15111
15112
15113
15114
15115
15116
15117
15118
15119
15120
15121
15122
15123
15124
15125
15126
15127
15128
15129
15130
15131
15132
15133
15134
15135
15136
15137
15138
15139
15140
15141
15142
15143
15144
15145
15146
15147
15148
15149
15150
15151
15152
15153
15154
15155
15156
15157
15158
15159
15160
15161
15162
15163
15164
15165
15166
15167
15168
15169
15170
15171
15172
15173
15174
15175
15176
15177
15178
15179
15180
15181
15182
15183
15184
15185
15186
15187
15188
15189
15190
15191
15192
15193
15194
15195
15196
15197
15198
15199
15200
15201
15202
15203
15204
15205
15206
15207
15208
15209
15210
15211
15212
15213
15214
15215
15216
15217
15218
15219
15220
15221
15222
15223
15224
15225
15226
15227
15228
15229
15230
15231
15232
15233
15234
15235
15236
15237
15238
15239
15240
15241
15242
15243
15244
15245
15246
15247
15248
15249
15250
15251
15252
15253
15254
15255
15256
15257
15258
15259
15260
15261
15262
15263
15264
15265
15266
15267
15268
15269
15270
15271
15272
15273
15274
15275
15276
15277
15278
15279
15280
15281
15282
15283
15284
15285
15286
15287
15288
15289
15290
15291
15292
15293
15294
15295
15296
15297
15298
15299
15300
15301
15302
15303
15304
15305
15306
15307
This fortune brought to you by:
$FreeBSD$
%
						PLAYGIRL, Inc.
						Philadelphia, Pa.  19369
Dear Sir:
	Your name has been submitted to us with your photo.  I regret to
inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold.  On
a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
ranging in age from 60 to 75 years.  We tried to assemble a panel in the
age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
long enough to reach a decision.  Should the taste of the American woman
ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
in our magazine, you will be notified by this office.  Please, don't call
us.
	Sympathetically,
	Amanda L. Smith

p.s.	We also want to commend you for your unusual pose.  Were you
	wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
%
					MOUNTIES:
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK,		He's a lumberjack and he's OK,
I sleep all night and I work all day.	He sleeps all night and he works
					all day.

I cut down trees, I eat my lunch,	He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
I go to the lavatory.			He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesday I go shopping,		On Wednesday he goes shopping,
And have buttered scones for tea.	And has buttered scones for tea.

I cut down trees, I skip and jump,	He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
I like to press wild flowers,		He likes to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing,		He puts on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars.		And hangs around in bars.

I cut down trees, I wear high heels,	He cuts down trees, he wears high heels,
Suspenders and a bra.			Suspenders?  and a bra?
I wish I'd been a girlie,		That's rude...
Just like my dear Pappa.
%
				FROM THE DESK OF
				Snow White

Dear Snow White:

	Thanks for last night.

		Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful
%
		LEPROSY
Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me.
I'm not half the man I used to be.
Oh, how did I get leprosy?

Syphilis, it all started with a simple kiss.
Now it even hurts to take a piss.
Oh why did I get syphilis?

Why'd she have VD?  I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ....
		-- To the tune of "Yesterday"
%
		THE CHURCH OF COUNTERFACTUAL BELIEF

An amalgamation of the Creation Science Research Foundation and the Flat Earth
Society, The Church of Counterfactual Belief has been set up to cater to all
who do not allow demonstrable truth to get in the way of their beliefs.
In addition to creation science and the flatness of the earth, the following
beliefs have been certified by Pope Duane as correct Church dogma:

	--That there is a hole in the Earth at the North Pole from
		which UFOs come.
	--That pi equals precisely 3.000.
	--That Billy Joe Wilson (Hoopla, Miss.) has successfully
		squared the circle.
	--That Harry Truman is still president, and doing a fine job.

Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied,
including Reaganomics and that the moon landings were done in a Hollywood
special effects studio.  These will be the subject of some forthcoming Papal
Bull.
%
		The Snack
Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby.

What baby? asked Daddy.  You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey.

Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience.  Do you think I don't
	recognize my own baby?  Why I can still see his little privates
	caught in the gap between your front teeth.  How many times have
	I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer?

But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy.
	And am I not the master of my own?

Nothing to eat?
	What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you
	just last week in the ball jar?  Our very first baby, too, wailed
	Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner.

Testicles, testicles, said Daddy.  A man gets tired of testicles.
		-- L.L. Zeiger
%
	... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even
worse is, our standards keep changing.  Take Playboy magazine.  Back in the
1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
showed was women's breasts.  Granted, any given one of these breasts would
have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect
was no more explicit than many publications we think nothing of today, such
as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
	A bear and a rabbit are taking a crap in the woods.  The bear looks
over at the rabbit and asks, "Say, does shit ever stick to your fur?"
	"No."
	So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.
%
	A business executive is consumed by jealousy: he suspects his wife
of cheating on him.  The suspicion grows and grows, and one morning as he
drives to work he can't take it any more.  He thinks to himself, "she
probably just waited until I left so she could meet with her lover."
	When he gets to his office, he calls home.  The maid answers.  He
says, "Hello.  Is my wife there?"
	"Yes, sir", the maid whispers.
	"Is she with her lover?"
	The maid pauses, and then says, "Yes, sir, she is, and I must say
that I feel terrible about how she treats you."
	The man yells, "That no good **#*&!!.  If you feel as badly as you
say you do, you must do this for me: go to my dresser and get my gun.  Check
to make sure that it's loaded.  Then go upstairs and shoot both that cheating
two-timing whore and her lover.  Dispose of the gun, and then come back to
the phone and tell me that it's over.  Don't worry -- I'll protect you."
The man hears footsteps, a drawer being opened, a click, more footsteps,
silence... and then two shots.  More footsteps.  Finally the maid comes back
to the phone and says "It's done."
	The man asks, "What did you do with the gun?"
	"I threw it behind the statue in the garden", the maid replies.
	"Statue in the garden?  Say, what number is this, anyway?"
%
	A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians.
This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use
them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the
following sunrise.  That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that
he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate
the following morning.  The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to
see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time.  When the dog is brought by the
Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear.
At once the dog runs off over the hill.  Amazingly enough, a few hours later,
he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town.
Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy
his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night.  When the dog is
brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends
down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it
right this time -- go into town and get the posse!"
%
	A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
buddy down the road, who owns several boars.  They agree on a stud fee, and
the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
boars.  He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
the man how he can tell if it "took" or not.  The breeder replies that if,
the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
	Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
frolic.  This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
in the mud.
	Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
don't have the heart to look again.  This is getting ridiculous.  You check
today."  With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
	"What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly.  "Are they grazing at last?"
	"Nope." replies his wife.  "Two of them are jumping up and down in
the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
%
	A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did
for a living.  "Tim, you be first," she said.  "What does your mother do
all day?"
	Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
	"That's wonderful.  How about you, Amie?"
	Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a
mailman."
	"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher.  "What about your father, Billy?"
	Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a
whorehouse."
	The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell.  Billy's father
answered the door.  The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded
an explanation.
	Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney.  But how do
you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"
%
	A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice
from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion.
 	"This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick.  But I think
you can take him.  Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let
him get you in the Pretzel hold.  With his strength you'd never get out."
	The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths
are going crazy, struggling to get each other pinned.  The American slowly
gains ground and appears that he might actually win on points alone, when, in
the blink of an eye, the Russian reverses him and whips him into the fatal
Pretzel hold.
	The coach, off by the side, shakes his head in dismay, and sits down
on the bench with his head between his hands.  All of a sudden, there's a
scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and
pinning the Russian.  After the match, in the dressing room, the coach
finally gets the winner alone.  "Great job!  But how the hell did you get out
of the Pretzel Hold?  I thought it was over for sure!"
 	"Well, I did too.  I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw
this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes.  I figured
what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could.  Coach,
you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!"
%
	A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands.  They
were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
the snake's head.  Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
downward to break the snake's spine.  All went well for the landing, the
charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle.  At one foxhole site, two
men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
blood.  He collapsed to the ground.  His buddies were so shocked they could
only blurt out, "What happened?"
	"I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me.  I
grabbed its tail end with my left hand.  I placed my right hand above my left
hand.  I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
the snake.  When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
%
	A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops
in at a local bar for a drink.  He gets his beer, turns around to sit down,
and finds himself face to face with a ravishing blonde.  The two strike up a
conversation, and really hit it off.  After a couple drinks they leave the bar
go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings.  Which doesn't take long -- by
seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching.
	'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock:
"Midnight!  Already!  I gotta get home!  Honey, you have any baby powder?"
He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes.
	"Baby powder?" she asks.  But she comes back from the bathroom and
hands him the powder.  He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her
goodbye, and runs out the front door.
	He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the
doorway.
	"Okay," she mutters, "let's have it."
	"Well," he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet.  "Okay.  I went
to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off.  We
had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..."
	"Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands...  Don't you lie to me!
You've been bowling again!"
%
	A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
dog in his brother's care.  The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
brother and inquires after his pet.
	"Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
	The guy is devastated.  "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
he moaned into the phone.  "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
of breaking the news?  Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
corner...' or something...?  Why are you always so thoughtless?"
	"Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
	"Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us.  How are you anyway?
How's Mom?"
	His brother is silent a moment.  "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
outside one day..."
%
	A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
I feel really bad about this, but my Chihuahua just killed it."
	A man leaps to his feet and replies, "Yes, I do, but how can that
be?  I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
	"Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
dog's stuck in its throat."
%
	A man came home from work and as he entered the house he yelled,
"Hi, honey, I'm home."
	There was no response.  He walked through the house and saw a note
on the refrigerator. It read "I'm out with the girls and I'll be home about
8.  Either fix yourself something to eat, or wait for me and we'll eat when
I get home."
	Well, he decided to wait until his wife returned.  However, his
stomach started to growl and he remembered that he had an apple left over
from his lunch.  He got the apple, polished it a little, and heard the
doorbell ring.  He went to the door and there stood a little blond haired
girl holding out a little paper bag.  "Trick or treat", she said.
	He looked at the girl, looked at the apple, thought how hungry he
was, looked at the girl again, and with a slight sigh dropped his apple in
the bag.  The little girl looked down in the bag, looked up again, and
complained, "You stupid son-of-a-bitch.  You broke my cookies!"
%
	A man dies and is getting his tour of heaven.  His guide is pointing
out the various features and landmarks when the man asks, "What's that cliff?"
	"Oh, you don't want to look down there.  That's hell!"
	The man creeps up to the edge and looks over.  He sees lush, green
valleys, verdant farmland and trees everywhere.  "This doesn't look so bad,"
he says.
	Puzzled, the guide comes over and looks down.  "Damn!" he snaps,
"Those Mormons have been irrigating again!"
%
	A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
terrible problem, Doctor.  I have a son at Harvard and another son at
Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
homes in Beverly Hills, Palm Beach, and a co-op in New York; and I've
got a thriving ranch in Venezuela.  My wife is a gorgeous young actress
who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
	The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused.  "Did I miss
something?  It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
	"But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
%
	A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers.  The
bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is.
	"I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies.
	About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and
6 chasers.  So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?"
	To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers
are lovers."
	Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders
NINE shots and NINE beers.  The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone
in your family like pussy?"
	"Yeah.  Me and my sister."
%
	A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old
Scotch".  The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches
down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch.  The man takes one sip
and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this
is eight-year-old Scotch."
	The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch,
pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you --
most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even
had it -- they're just being pricks.  But you really know your Scotch -- this
is on the house."
	A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this
conversation.  He walks up to the man, hands him a glass and says "Taste this."
The man does -- and spits it out yelling, "This tastes like piss!"  To which
the drunk replies, "It is -- but how old am I?"
%
	A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder.  He walks
up to the bar and sits down, ordering a beer for himself and one for the
little Leprechaun.
	After a few beers, the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder,
struts down the bar and comes to a stop in front of a rather large construction
worker.  Looking the guy right in the eye, he gives him a rather large, damp,
Bronx cheer.  And trots back to sit on his buddy's shoulder.  The worker is
pretty upset, but decides to shine on this rather offensive breach of manners.
	After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and
walks over to his previous victim and goes "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT" again.
Well, that's too much, and the victim knocks the Leprechaun off the bar and,
after walking over to stand very close to the Leprechaun's escort, tells him
in a rather overloud voice, that if it happens again, he's going to "cut off
his little dick!"
	Replies the escort, "Leprechauns don't have dicks."
	"Yeah?  Well, then," asks the big man, how does he take a piss?"
	"PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT!!!!"
%
	A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country
flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a
large button with the letters "NAA" on it.
	"What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button.
	"Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied.
	After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my
asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed'
men?"
	"Well, it's not what you think.  Native Americans.  They're better
hung than *anybody*."
	"And is it true that the French are the best lovers?"
	"No, Jewish men.  Once you finally get them going they can last
all night.  By the way, my name is Sue.  What's yours?"
	"Running Bear Sheldon."
%
	A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.
He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
gas.  When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
were off.  Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside.  He wasn't sure
what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry,
"Help... help... help".  He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
ankles.  He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
	"These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my
clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
	"Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants.  "This just
hasn't been your day, has it?"
%
	A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged.  Well, this
particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the
man's penis.  Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very
fancy restaurant.  After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants,
felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under
the tablecloth.  The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
	Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
quickly disappeared.  The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
"I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
	With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd
like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
%
	A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and,
while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife
was the better cook.  One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the
Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family.
	The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew
that he had ever eaten.
	"Damn!  That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host.  "What
kind of meat is it?"
	"Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican.
	"Rabbit?" replied the Texan. "There aren't any rabbits around here."
	"Si, my freend, the rabbeets make the beeg noise, and I shoot theem."
	"Rabbits don't make any noise..."
	"Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!"
%
	A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office.  The mother
asked the doctor to examine her daughter.  "She has been having some strange
symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
	The doctor examined the daughter carefully.  Then he announced,
"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
	The mother gasped.  "That's nonsense!" she said.  "Why, my little
girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..."  She
turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
	"Yes, Mumsy," said the girl.  "Doctor, I have never so much as
kissed a man!"
	The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again.  Then,
silently he stood up and walked to the window.  He stared out.  He continued
staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something
wrong out there?"
	"No, Madam," said the doctor.  "It's just that the last time anything
like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if
another one was going to show up."
%
	A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came upon
two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.  "That's what
I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
	As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
%
	A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a
car to take a look at the outback.  "We know it's rough country, but it's safe
and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager.
Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off.
	Later that day, they returned, upset and angry.  "You said it was
decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't
driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!"
	"And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged
aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved
at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!"
	"Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger
like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?"
%
	A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have
some good news and some bad news."
	He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news."
	She replied, "You're not sterile."
%
	A sociologist, a psychologist, and a engineer were discussing the
consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress.  The
sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable
for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly
and lustful pursuits.
	The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible,
if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being,
then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he
is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.
	The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary,
a married man is entitled to a mistress.  However, I do not see why the
affair should be concealed from the wife.  On the contrary, if the affair
is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he
is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with
his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!"
%
	A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking
for a job.  He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his
qualifications.  The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the
white man and said: "You leave!  No job!"
	The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but
that of tribe Medicine-Man.  He would convince him if the Chief would allow
him to demonstrate his magic.  "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief.
	"Oh, yeah?", said the stranger.  "I'll prove it to you by making
your dog, here, talk!"
	"Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he
heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me
good.  He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!"
	"If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger,
"the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!"
	"Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he
heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse.  He takes me up to
the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty."
	The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his
final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk.
	"NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!"
%
	A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom
asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom.  I got laid!"
	She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after
work.  "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men
should keep it a secret.  Women just don't understand these things."
	So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in:
"You get laid today, Billy?"
	"Yeah, Dad."
	"How was it?"
	"Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot."
	"Good Boy!".
	A month later: "You get laid today?"
	"No, Dad."
	"No?  How come?"
	"Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore."
%
	A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West.  The
Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come."
	The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for
miles and asks the Indian how the hell he knows that.
	Replies the Indian, "Ear wet."
		-- Lily Tomlin, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
		   Life in the Universe"
%
	A woman was married to a golfer.  One day she asked, "If I were
to die, would you remarry?"
	After some thought, the man replied, "Yes, I've been very happy in
this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
	The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
	"Yes," he replied.  "That's a good car and it runs well."
	"Well, would you live in this house?"
	"Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
I've always loved it here."
	"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
	"No."
	"Why not?"
	"She's left handed."
%
	A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park.
They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate
love.  Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned
to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time."
	She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off
my pantyhose."
%
	A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob,
whereupon his father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to
settle for a kiss."
	The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?"
%
	After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
	"No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
name for my baby."
	"But the hospital supplies a special booklet that lists hundreds
of first names and their meanings," said the orderly.
	"That won't help," said the woman, "my baby already has a first
name."
%
	All he did was take the ball and run every time they called his
number -- which came to be more and more often, and in the Super Bowl Thomas
was the whole show.  But the season is now over; the purse is safe in the
vault; and Duane Thomas is facing two to twenty for possession.  Nobody really
expects him to serve time, but nobody seems to think he'll be playing for
Dallas next year either, and a few sporting people who claim to know how the
NFL works say he won't be playing for ANYBODY next year; that the Commissioner
is outraged at this mockery of all those Government-sponsored "Beware of Dope"
TV shots that dressed up the screen last autumn.
	We all enjoyed those spots, but not everyone found them convincing.
Here was a White House directive saying several million dollars would be spent
to drill dozens of Name Players to stare at the camera and try to stop grinding
their teeth long enough to say they hate drugs of any kind... and then the best
running back in the world turns out to be a goddamn uncontrollable drugsucker.
	But not for long.  There is not much room for freaks in the National
Football League.  Joe Namath was saved by the simple blind luck of getting
drafted by a team in New York City, a place where social outlaws are not
always viewed as criminals.  But Namath would have had a very different trip
if he'd been drafted by the St. Louis Cardinals.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson
%
	An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan.  Two weeks before
officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha
house.  While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san,
yaki-san."
	Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first
Japanese word.  It must be an expression of joy."
	When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment,
which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course.
After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made
a hole-in-one.  The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai!
Bonsai!"
	Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the
new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san,
yaki-san!"
	The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed,
"What do you mean, wrong hole?"
%
	An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
city and asked to be served the specialty of the house.  When the dish
arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained.  "These, senor," explained
the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the
testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today.
	The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish.  When it was
served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are
much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
	"True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose."
%
	An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps.  She
picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears!  The genie
tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
	After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
beautiful!"  And POOF!  In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
voluptuous woman.
	After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
for the rest of my life."  And POOF!  When the smoke clears, there are
stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
	The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
	"Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
handsome prince!"
	And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
	As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
fixed?"
%
	An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a
man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by.  "Your names please?"
said the the soldier.
	"My name is Mary," said the woman.
	"And mine is Joseph," said the man.
	"Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you
going?"
	"To Bethlehem."
	"Your reason for going there?"
	"To pay our taxes to the government."
	"Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?"
	"Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto
Ricans?"
%
	An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
remains of her cat.  As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
"I have a dead pussy."
	The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
"Sit with my wife.  You two have a lot in common."
%
	And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
	They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
very selfhood revealed."
	And Jesus replied, "What?"
%
	"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
posh hotel.
	"No.  No, thank you," replied the gentleman.
	"Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
	"Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman.  "Would you bring me
a postcard?"
%
	Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman?  If so, you know how
Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only
an occasional weekend for sex.  Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack,
rising corporate star, ended in disaster.  Yesterday you heard him telling
a friend over lunch,  "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!"  Well,
all is not lost!  SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just
15 minutes a day!
	SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate
sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers.  Through
the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal
muscles.  With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the
"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistible", the "California Crusher", and,
of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm".  Or,
using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own!
	SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely
immersible for easy cleaning.  SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely
textured for a realistic effect.  Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and
limited graphics capability.  Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries.
%
	Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that
his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young
executive appeared at a local health resort.  Looking over the several weight
loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two
pounds per day.  After a light breakfast, and a almost non-existent lunch, he
was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that
"if he caught her, he could have her".  After an hour of hard running, he
finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had
lost just under three pounds.  Returning the next week, he chose the plan that
was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session.  After following the same
regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running,
he caught the young woman.  Weight loss, just over four pounds.  Returning the
following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day.  He was shown
to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by a extremely
muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into
a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules.  Start running!"
%
	Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
Indians.  After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to
the number of feathers in the headdresses.  She asked a brave who had only
one feather in his headdress.  His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me
have only one feather."  She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow
was only joking.  This brave had four feathers in his headdress.  He replied,
"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws."
	Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of
squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief.  Now the Chief had a
headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.
Ms. W:	"Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"
Chief:	"Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall,
		me fuck-em all."
Ms. W:	"You ought to be hung!"
Chief:	"You damned right, me hung.  Big like buffalo, long like snake."
Ms. W:	"You don't have to be so hostile!"
Chief:	"Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all."
Ms. W:	"Oh, dear!"
Chief:	"No deer, me no fuck deer.  Asshole too high and fuckers run
		too fast."
%
	Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
Guinevere, into her chastity belt.  Then he summoned his loyal friend and
subject Sir Lancelot.  "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife.  The key to this chaste
treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world.  To you."
	Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
blessing and took charge of the key.  Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
	"What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
	"My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
%
	Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best
friend asked him how it went.
	"The first night we did it nine times," Bill said.  "The second
night, eight times.  The third night, seven times.  The fourth night, six
times.  The fifth night, five times.  The sixth night, four times, and the
last night, nothing!"
	"Nothing?" his pal asked.  "How come?"
	"Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
%
	But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose
skins were black.  And lo!  Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted
calf they were sucking hind teat...
	Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they
called him King.  And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to
the front of the bus."
	But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass.  When ye shall prove
yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
unto a snowball in Hell."
		-- "The Begatting of a President"
%
	But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that
cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone.  It is akin
to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation.  The
latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing
with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole
bunch of knuckles.
		-- Harlan Ellison
%
	"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with
your penis?"
	"Uh, not right now."
	"Tsk, tsk.  A girl has to have *some* standards."
		-- Real Genius
%
	Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one
particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock,
a Socialist member of the House of Commons, who, upon seeing his condition,
said, "Winston, you're drunk."  Mustering all his dignity, Churchill drew
himself up to his full height, cocked an eyebrow and rejoined, "Shove it up
your ass, you ugly cunt."
	When the noted playwright George Bernard Shaw sent him two tickets to
the opening night of his new play with a note that read: "Bring a friend, if
you have one," Churchill, not to be outdone, promptly wired back: "You and
your play can go fuck yourselves."
	At an elegant dinner party, Lady Astor once leaned across the table
to remark, "If you were my husband, Winston, I'd poison your coffee."  "And
if you were my wife, I'd beat the shit out of you," came Churchill's
unhesitating retort.
		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
%
	"Daddy?"
	"Yes son."
	"Wha-wha-wha-what does regret mean?"
	"Well, son, a funny thing about regret is that it's better to regret
something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done.  And by
the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell her,
`SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'"
		-- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf"
%
	Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule

	Sept 14		Pasadena Junior High
	Sept 21		Boy Scout Troop 049
	Sept 28		Blind Academy
	Sept 30		World War I Veterans
	Oct 5		Brownie Scout Troop 041
	Oct 12		Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
	Oct 26		St. Thomas Boys Choir
	Nov 2		Texas City Vet Clinic
	Nov 9		Korean War Amputees
	Nov 15		VA Hospital Polio Patients
%
	"Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
%
	"Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you.
We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?"
	"But this is different," protested her husband.
	"Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden.
Now tell me what our problem is."
	"Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a
bastard child."
%
	"Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
married?"
	He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so.
I've always been especially fond of married women."
%
	Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted
to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper.  In the ad she made it
quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already
had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she
now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly.  Phone calls started coming
in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck
the young woman's fancy.  Until one night her doorbell rang.  Opening the door
she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in
response to her advertisement.  "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my
ad was quite explicit.  I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert,
and you... uh... don't have all the..."
	"Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
%
	"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
sincerely, extremely dangerously.
	They used dogs.  They used probes.  They used cardio plate crossoffs.
They used teepers.  They used bribery.  They used stick tites.  They used
intimidation.  They used torment.  They used torture.  They used finks.
They used cops.  They used search and seizure.  They used fallaron.  They
used betterment incentives.  They used finger prints.  They used the
bertillion system.  They used cunning.  They used guile.  They used treachery.
They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help.  They used applied physics.
They used techniques of criminology.  And what the hell, they caught him.
		-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
%
	During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall.  Suddenly a red-face
country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
hit my wife."
	"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast.  "Terribly sorry.  Have a shot
at mine, over there."
%
	During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her
husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!"  Then, turning to the counselor,
she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
%
	Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
blizzard.  He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter.  She proved
to be eighteen and beautiful.   So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
pass at the daughter.  "Stop that!" she said.  "I'll call my father."
	He desisted.  But half an hour later he made another attempt.  "Uh,
stop ... that," she said.  "I'll call my father."
	But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try.  This time, no
protest, no threat.  Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
tugged at his pajama sleeve.  "Could we do that again?" she asked.
	Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
tug at his sleeve.  "Again?"
	And again Ed obliged.  But when his sleep was once more interrupted
by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
and mumbled, "Stop that!  Or I'll call your father."
%
	Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller
and stuck out his hand.  "Son," he said.  "Tell the truth.  It ain't better
than fried chicken, is it?"
	Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said:
	"I got to be dead honest, Roy."
	And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him.
	Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she
ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who
can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the
finest I've ever had."
		-- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough"
%
	Ever thought of putting a ferret down your pants?  Yes, ferrets,
those weasel-like animals originally trained to hunt rats and possessing
needle sharp claws and razor sharp teeth.  The English do it for sport.
	Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitors's trousers at
the ankles and then dropping into the trousers a couple of vicious ferrets.
No jockstraps or underwear allowed -- nothing but the bodies' own.  The
ferrets must be young and in good condition.  Neither the ferret or the
contestant may be drugged or drunk -- cold eyed sober only.  The trousers
should be loose fitting, to allow the ferret to scramble from one leg to
the other, and are traditionally white, so that the blood shows better.
	Normal contestants are able to keep them down for up to 40 seconds.
The champion ferret legger, Reg Mellor, of Yorkshire, holds the world record
of 5 hours and 26 minutes.  Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is
not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten
and not care."
%
	Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see
a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a
baseball.  Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and
ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?"
	The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach,
which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed.  The genie said, "I now give
you one wish.  Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?"
%
	Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman,
obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance
floor like a 20-year old.  Finally curiosity got the best of the cigarette
girl.  "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman
of your age living it up like a youngster.  Tell me, are all of your faculties
unimpaired?"
	The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head.  "Not
all, I'm afraid." he said.  "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a
girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place
about two A.M.  We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
as my head hit the pillow.  I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."
	"Why, George," she said in surprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
	"So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to
fail me."
%
	Farmer Johnson was drunk again.
	"You know, Anna," he said to his long-suffering wife, "if you could
only lay eggs we could get rid of all those damn chickens."
	Anna said nothing.  Farmer Johnson tried again.  "You know, Anna, if
only you could give milk we could get rid of that expensive herd of cows."
	Anna looked at him coolly. "You know, Jack," she said, "if only you
could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob."
%
	"First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight,"
said the guy aggressively.
	"Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.
	"Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in
town."
	"Oh, no, you won't."
	"Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris."
	"Oh, no, you won't."
	"Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you."
	"Oh, no, you're not."
	"And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy.
	"Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl.
%
	For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn.  The last time he'd finally managed an
affair with the innkeeper's daughter.  Looking forward to an exciting
few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped
short.  There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
	"Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant?"
he cried.  "I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married,
and the baby would have my name!"
	"Well," she said, "when my folks found out about my condition,
we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and finally decided it would be
better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer."
%
	Four Oxford dons were taking their evening walk together and as
usual, were engaged in casual but learned conversation.  On this particular
evening, their conversation was about the names given to groups of animals,
such as a "pride of lions" or a "gaggle of geese."
	One of the professors noticed a group of prostitutes down the block,
and posed the question, "What name would be given to that group?"  The four
fell into silence for a moment, as they pondered the possibilities...
	At last, one spoke: "How about 'a Jam of Tarts'?"  The others nodded
in acknowledgement as they continued to consider the problem.  A second
professor spoke: "I'd suggest 'an Essay of Trollops.'"  Again, the others
nodded.  A third spoke: "I propose 'a Flourish of Strumpets.'"
	They continued their walk in silence, until the first professor
remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies.  What are your
thoughts?"
	Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
%
	Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
and sarcastic?"
	"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
	"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
%
	"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
dark prison cell?  Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
%
	God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter
what style of fucking it practiced.  He made sex irresistibly pleasurable,
wildly joyous, free from fears.  He made it innocent merriment.
	Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit.  Everyone
agreed, from aardvarks to zebras.  All the jolly animals -- lions and
lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years.  Maybe they
were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one.
		-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
%
	God decided to take the devil to court and settle their
differences once and for all.
	When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
%
	Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
	"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly.  "You
promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
nine.  It just can't take that long to play 18 holes of golf."
	"Honey, wait," said Harry.  "Let me explain.  I know what I promised
you, but I have a very good reason for being late.  Fred and I tee'd off
right on time and everything was fine for the first three holes.  Then, on
the fourth tee Fred had a stroke.  I ran back to the clubhouse but couldn't
find a doctor.  And, by the time I got back to Fred, he was dead.  So, for
the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
%
	Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
been worse."
	To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
hope in it.  Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
"Harry!  Did you hear what happened to George?  He came home last night,
found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
the gun on himself!"
	"Terrible," said Harry.  "But it could have been worse."
	"How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly
have been worse?"
	"Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
dead right now."
%
	Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his
proposal of marriage as he was pretty sensitive about his artificial leg
and afraid that no one would have him.  In fact, he couldn't bring himself
to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger,
nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.
All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which
she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
	The wedding came and went, and the young couple were at last alone
in their honeymoon suite. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big
surprise," smiled the bride.
	Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his
leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
	"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the
Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"
%
	"Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
	"Thanks.  Got it upstairs already."
	"Do it alone?"
	"Nope.  Hitched the cat to it."
	"How would that help?"
	"Used a whip."
%
	"Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
	"Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion!  Busy day?"
	"Busy? I just spent four hours burying the cat."
	"Four hours to bury a cat!?"
	"Yes, he wouldn't keep still: wrigglin' about, 'owlin'..."
	"Oh, it's not dead then."
	"Oh no, no, but it's not at all a well cat, and as we're
goin' away for a fortnight I thought I'd better bury it just to be
on the safe side."
	"Quite right.  You don't want to come back from Sorrento
to a dead cat, do you?"
		-- Monty Python
%
	"Hello, Police Department."
	"This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court.  I've just been sexually
molested by a pervert, right here in my own home.  It was horrifying!"
	"Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
	"Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask.  I was napping
on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything.
Suddenly he had his great big old calloused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off.  I was so frightened!  He
held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly.  What could I do?  I
couldn't stop him.  He was huge.  A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty
pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible.  He had an
erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my
throat; forced me to suck it.  Yes, officer!  There was no escaping this man.
Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on
my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to
say it, he put that huge thing...  It must have been a foot long, and I don't
know how thick... into my...  Just a minute."
	"What's the matter, mister?"
	"Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower."
%
	Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
Paul Stevens came up with the famous quotation about how he couldn't
define pornography, but he knew it when he saw it.  So for a while, the
court's policy was to have all the suspected pornography trucked to
Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it over.  "Nope, this isn't
it," he'd say.  "Bring some more."  This went on until one morning when
his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under an
enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a
ruling stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except
that it was illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about
it because the court was going to take a nap.
		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
	"How'd you get that flat?"
	"Ran over a bottle."
	"Didn't you see it?"
	"Damn kid had it under his coat."
%
	"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
the phone.  "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
	"Who was that?" his young wife asked.
	"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
%
	"I know a life of crime led me to this sorry state.  I blame
society.  Society made me what I am today!"
	"That's bullshit Archie.  You're just a young suburban punk
like me."
	"It still...  hurts... auugghh!"
	"You're going to be okay..."
		"...gurgle..."
			"... maybe not."
		-- Repo Man
%
	"I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks,"
the American said to an Algerian camel merchant.  "Is it possible?"
	"All things are possible," replied the merchant.  He proceeded to
take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water.  After the
camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank,
the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind
the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks.
	The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed
like twenty more gallons of water.
	The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant.  "My God,
man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!"
	The merchant shrugged.  "Only if you get your thumbs in between the
bricks."
%
	"I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight.
	"Oh, how can you tell?"
	"Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't
hear the stereo."
%
	I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
"What'll you have, Bud"?
	I said," I don't know, surprise me".
	So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
	"I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
young man to his father as he prepared to leave home.  "Don't try to stop me.
I'm on my way."
	"Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father.  "Take me along!"
%
	In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
mud."
	And there was mud.
	And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
can see what we have done."
	And God created every living creature that now moveth, and one was
man.  Mud-as-man alone could speak.
	"What is the purpose of all this?" man asked politely.
	"Everything must have a purpose?" asked God.
	"Certainly," said man.
	"Then I leave it to you to think of one for all of this," said God.
	And He went away.
		-- Kurt Vonnegut, Between Time and Timbuktu"
%
	In the morning, laughing, happy fish heads
	In the evening, floating in the soup.
(chorus):
Fish heads, fish heads, roly-poly fish heads;
Fish heads, fish heads, eat them up. Yum!
	You can ask them anything you want to.
	They won't answer; they can't talk.
(chorus):
	I took a fish head out to see a movie,
	Didn't have to pay to get it in.
(chorus):
	They can't play baseball; they don't wear sweaters;
	They aren't good dancers; they can't play drums.
(chorus):
	Roly-poly fish heads are NEVER seen drinking cappucino in
	Italian restaurants with Oriental women.
(chorus):
	Fishy!
(chorus):
		-- Fish Heads
%
	In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency.  During His press conference
today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
in time.  I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
around!  Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
those annoying mountains and rivers.  I never could stand them!"
	There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency.  God replied to
these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
than a citizen bless their country?"
%
	It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and
they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed.
One of them said, "Wow! What tits!  Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with
them for awhile.  What are you doing this afternoon?"
	Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful
thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the
Corps.  "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well
brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt."
%
	It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year.  I was driving
in downtown Atlantis.  My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented
Stingray, and it was overheating.  So I pulled into a Shell station.  They
said I'd blown a seal.  I said, "Fix the damn thing and leave my private
life out of it, okay, pal?"  While they were doing that, I walked over to the
Oyster Bar.  A real dive.  But I knew the owner.  He used to play for the
Dolphins.  I said "Hi, Gil!"  You have to yell -- he's hard of herring.
		-- Kip Addotta, "Wet Dream"
%
	It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the
American were talking about love over some dry Martinis.  "Deed you know,
sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different
ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?"
	"Do tell?" said the American.  "Well, that's amazing.  In this
country there's only one."
	"Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly.  "And what eez
that?"
	"Well, there's a man and a woman, and --"
	"Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman.  "Numbair 80!"
%
	"Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and
Jewish men?"
	"You really want to know?"
	"Yeah."
	"Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob?  And
Catholic girls fuck like bunnies."
%
	Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.  She wore a bathing suit
the frist day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.  She'd hardly
begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
	"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs.  "The Hilton doesn't
mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
	"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly.  "No one
can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
	"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man.  "You're lying on
the dining room skylight."
%
	Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't
seem survival oriented.  For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating
with, well, her mate, will devour him.  For the male praying mantis, however,
it's a catch-22.  If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate
again.  If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce, ending his family tree.  This
suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many
life forms are periodically subject to its wrath.  How did the preying mantis
become stuck in such a awful, vicious cycle?  This is probably what happened:
	The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis.  After
some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate.
The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the
male raids the refrigerator and returns home.  This behavior continues until
the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship.  Then the
male establishes a new pattern of behavior:  Football on Mondays, baseball on
Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, uh, well, uh, working-late-at-the-office
on Thursdays, etc. etc.  The female tolerates this for awhile, then files for
a divorce.  After a long court battle, she concludes one thing:  It simplifies
matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him.
	Well, through the centuries of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome
has been carried up to the highest life forms, as well as to humans.  That is
why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled
to bite the head off of the male.  The Syndrome is inescapable, but when it
occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while.
%
	Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the
mirror, admiring her breasts.
	"And what do you think you're doing?" he asked.
	"I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a
twenty-five-year-old."
	"Oh yeah?  And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old
ass?"
	"Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all."
%
	Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile.
Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures.  One day,
without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation.  In
an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to
prison.
	They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports
in their hotel room.  For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get
them to name their contacts in the liberation movement...  Finally they're
hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced
to death.
	The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll
be shot.  The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have
any last requests.  Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in
Chicago.  The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to
Murray.
	"This is crazy!" Murray shouts.  "We're not spies!"  And he
spits in the sergeants face.
	"Murray!" Esther cries.  "Please!  Don't make trouble."
		-- Arthur Naiman
%
	"My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a
barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!"
	"Not in California."
%
	"My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
a girl should not do before twenty."
	"Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
audience, either."
%
	Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
you.  He doesn't know.  Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you.  She doesn't know.  Never ask how many
cigarettes your lover has smoked today.  Cancer is a personal commitment.
	Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
the ones who dived in front of trains.  If you look like one of them, you are
repeating history's mistakes.  If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
in the others.
	While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui.  Don't ask who took
it.  The answer is obvious.  A Japanese tourist took the picture.
	Never ask if your lover has had therapy.  Only people who have had
therapy ask if people have had therapy.
	Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
Assume that she bought them at a flea  market.
		-- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
%
	Never take a resume seriously.  Resumes only make money for the
people who write the resumes.  No resume ever tells an employer how many
times a job applicant has had the clap.
	Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written
by a professional liar?
	If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question:
did the applicant go to TCU?
	If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she
have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall?
		-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
%
	On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
alive.  "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
dead yet.  I can see her lips moving.  Go quickly and find out what she is
saying."
	The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
the flames as he dared, and listened intently.  Then he turned and ran back
to the imperial box.  "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
singing."
	"Singing?" said the astounded emperor.  "Singing what?"
	"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
%
	Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of
bored after dinner one night.  He decided to hold a contest of who at the
court had the mightiest "weapon".  The first knight stood up and proclaimed
that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5
pound weight around it.  The weapon doth rose.  The crowds cheered... the
women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band
played appropriate music.
	Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon.
He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself.  The weapon doth
rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved
multi-colored banners...  and the band played appropriate music.
	After several more knights tried to prove their superiority...  the
King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound,
but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffee pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
The crowds cheered...  the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored
banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
%
	One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community
and they see a stallion mounting a mare.  The daughter takes in the scene and
turns to her mother. "Mommy, what are those two horses doing?"
	Her mother hastily answered, "The horse on top hurt its hoof, and the
one on the bottom is carrying him back to the stable."
	The daughter shook her head and sadly replied, "Isn't that just the
way it goes?  Try to help someone and you get fucked."
%
	One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to
seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge.  He picked up Milli-Amp
and took her for a ride on his Megacycle.  They rode across the Wheatstone
bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the
flowing current.  Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves,
soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum.  He laid
her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance.
He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket,
connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt.
Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled:  "OHM-OHM-OHM."
	With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with
his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly
discharged and drained of every electron.  They Fluxed all night trying
various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost
all of its field strength.
	Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction  and  damaged  her
solenoids.  With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to
excite his field, so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing
each others fuses.
		-- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron"
%
	One of my favorite Zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while
visiting the zoo, decided to have a little fun with the Gorilla.  She walks
up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast.  Needless to
say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in
kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...!
	The gorilla becomes enraged.  He rips the bars from his cage, grabs
the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her.  While doing so,
he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person.
	Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims,
"Oh, you poor dear...!  Are you hurt?"
	"Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone.  He
never writes..."
%
	One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY.  So he took his Miss
HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he
there began to feel her MOUNDS.  And that was an ALMOND JOY which definitely
made his TOOSIE ROLL.
	He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT
which of course caused the MILKY WAY.  She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she
squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better then the 3
MUSKETEERS."
		-- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem"
%
	One spring evening, after a hard rain, grandpa and grandson were
sitting out on the porch, talking.  Grandpa spied a worm crawling up out
of its hole and said to his grandson, "Sonny, if you can get that there
worm back down its hole, I'll give you five dollars."
	"Sure!", says sonny, and runs in the house.  Out he runs an
instant later with a can of hairspray, grabs the worm, and sprays it with
the hairspray as it dangles earthward.  He then slips the stiff worm back
into its hole and turns to his grandpa with a huge smile on his face.
	"Well, I'll be.  That was pretty smart there, boy.", he says.
"Here's your fiver.", he adds as he fishes out a bill.  By then it's almost
dark, and they say their goodnights and part.
	The next day sonny's playing out on the porch, and grandpa comes
out of the house and gives him a five.  "But you gave me my five yesterday,
grandpa.", he remarks.
	"Yep, I know.  This is from your Grandma."
%
	"Our school, madame, postulates, first of all, that since the
science of mathematics is an abstract science, it is best inculcated by
some concrete example."
	Said the Queen, "But that sounds rather complicated."
	"It occasionally leads to complications," Jurgen admitted, "through
a choice of the wrong example.  But the axiom is no less true."
	"Come, then, and sit next to me on this couch if you can find it in
the dark; and do you explain to me what you mean."
	"Why, madame, by a concrete example I mean one that is perceptible
to any of the senses -- as to sight or hearing, or touch --"
	"Oh, oh!" said the Queen, "now I perceive what you mean by a concrete
example.  And grasping this, I can understand that complications must of
course arise from a choice of the wrong example."
		-- James Branch Cabell, "Jurgen"
%
	Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a
state of great libidal distress.  Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a
dove flying by.  "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter)
and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest.  Feathers flew, and
eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they
shout, too):
	"I'm a dove!  I've been loved!  And I LIKE it!"
	Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he
was at it again.  All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers
flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted:
	"I'm a lark!  I've been sparked!  And I LIKE it!"
	As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of
amor... lib... you know!  This time, all that happened by was... a duck!
So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck
tottering to the cliffside and shouting:
	"I'M A DRAKE!  THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE!  AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!!
%
	People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily
motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness.  But I have spent enough time in
jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are
bored with their daily routines:  eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and
then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in
a while; there has to be a powerful adrenaline rush in crouching by the side of
a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking
out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other
side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels.
	Why not?  Anything that gets the adrenaline moving like a 440 volt
blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free
of cholesterol ...  but too many adrenaline rushes in any given time-span has
the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments
are said to have on the brain:  after a while you start burning out the
circuits.
	When a jackrabbit gets addicted to road running, it is only a matter
of time before he gets smashed -- and when a journalist turns into a politics
junkie he will sooner or later start raving and babbling in print about things
that only a person who has Been There can possibly understand.
		-- Hunter Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
%
	People who write position papers often find themselves in an
enviable position.  They are hired to write papers for both sides of the
position.
	A good position paper will have many words in it like
"superincumbence," "egress," and "plurification."
	You will not often find the phrase "lightweight dropcase
limp-wristed motherfucker" in a serious position paper.
	Charts and multiplication tables should always be included in
position papers.  They should look complicated enough to make Albert
Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol.
	A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a
semicolon.
		-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
%
	Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old
has been waiting for him.  Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable
Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?"
	The girl, and she's not so little, tells him.  Well, Santa is
definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho,
gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
	The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe.  "Aw, please stay
Santa," she begs.
	He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys,
you know."
	She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing
at Santa like an accusation.  "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads.
	"Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
	Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her
warm mound of delight.  "Aw, please stay, Santa," she begs.
	Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey,
gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way."
%
	Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde
stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison.  "If
this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she
doesn't deserve to have any."

	James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother")
failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to
remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a
major general."

	(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed,
complained, "Only one man ever understood me."  He fell silent for a
while and then added, "And he didn't understand me."

	Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening
sight I have ever seen."  His companion was surprised to see nothing
more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand
on the child's shoulder.  "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning
out of the car.  "Run for your life!"

	Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the
Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives.  A popular
story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was
roused by his wife crying, "Wake up!  I think there are burglars in the
house."
	"No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
maybe, but not in the House."

%
	Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the
still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence.
Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his
exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?"
	Without hesitation, she blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee."
	Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of
love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a
prick."
	"Oh, come now," the girl chided.  "I've seen lots of pricks and I
assure you, that's a wee-wee."
%
	Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a
certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his
own.  Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I
care for neither your politics nor your moustache."  Unabashed, the young
statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, the wryly commented, "Suck my
dick."
	While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was
asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers.
 "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a
whimsical smile, "They're assholes."
	Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at
the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of
Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the
upcoming conference in Yalta.  At the appointed hour, the President was
wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister
had not finished bathing.  Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion
and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room
stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are
you staring at, homo?"
		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
%
	"Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of
coffee?"
	"Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!",
answered the gentleman, rather shortly.
	"I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny."
%
	"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
	"How do you know?" the friend asked.
	"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
	"So?"
	"So, she's a liar.  I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
%
	The big problem with pornography is defining it.  You can't just
say it's pictures of people naked.  For example, you have these
primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
	So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
naked, or whatever.  But if National Geographic were to publish an
article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography.  But
others would not.  And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
	The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff:
"You claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle
in his hand.  But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
	"Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course,
but not much good in a fight."
%
	The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi.  The rabbi listened solemnly to
his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
	So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
please help me.  My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
sees nothing but goyim..."
	"Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
you got problems.  What about my son?"
%
	The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough
physical examination.  "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said,
"is give up drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away
from women."
	"Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient.  "What's
second best?"
%
	The famous Nell Gwynn, stepping one day from a house where she had
made a short visit into her coach, saw a great crowd assembled, and her
footman all bloody and dirty; the fellow being asked by his mistress, the
reason for his being in that condition, answered, "I have been fighting,
madam, with an impudent rascal who called your ladyship a whore."
	"You blockhead," replied Mrs. Gywnn, "at this rate you must fight
every day of your life; why, you fool, all the world knows it."
	"Do they?" cries the fellow, in a muttering voice, after he had shut
the coach door, "they shan't call me a whore's footman for all that."
		-- Henry Fielding, "Tom Jones"
%
	The foreman of a lumber camp put a new workman on the circular saw.
As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!".
	"What happened?"
	"Dunno," replied the man.  "I just stuck out my hand like this, and
-- well, I'll be damned.  There goes another one!"
%
	The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
branch scraped her forehead lightly.  The groom dismounted, glared at his
wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
	The ride then proceeded.  After another mile or so, the bride's
horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
"That's two," he said.
	Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl.  Immediately, the groom was
off his horse.  "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
shot the horse between the eyes.
	"You brute!" shrieked his bride.  "Now I see the kind of man I
married!  You're a sadist, that's what!"
	The groom turned to her coolly.  "That's one," he said.
%
	The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well-
dressed, alert and obviously intelligent.  The judge asked him how he
pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he
replied, "Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor."
	"Insanity?" exclaimed the judge.
	"Yes, sir," said the defendant.  "I'm just crazy about it."
%
	The new patron was amazed by the cleanliness of the restaurant.  A
waiter approached the table.  "Good afternoon, sir.  What may I serve you?"
	"I'll have the steak dinner," the man answered.
	As the waiter headed for the kitchen, the diner noticed that he
wore a spotless white apron and clean white gloves.  Soon the waiter
returned, bearing a casserole dish on a cart which he uncovered to reveal
two tempting filet mignons.  From a covered pocket in his apron he produced
a small pair of shining silver tongs and with them he transferred the meat
from the steaming casserole to the diner's plate.  "We never touch anything
with our hands," he explained.
	The waiter continued serving.  "Confidentially," he said, "we even
have a special set of rules about visiting the lavatory.  Do you see this
little piece of string attached to my apron?"
	"Yes," the diner replied.  "I noticed that all the aprons had one."
	The waiter put a large browned potato on the plate with his tongs.
"Well," he began, "if I should have to go to the bathroom, that string
comes in very handily.  I simply unzip my pants and take it out with that
piece of string.  That way everything stays sanitary."
	"But how do you put it back?"
	"Well, I don't know about the other guys," the waiter confided, "but
I use the tongs."
%
	The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of
the week.  As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at
the door.  "Please come in!  We're very grateful for your years of service to
us and our neighborhood.  I've prepared something special for you."
 	In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where
Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch.  After dumping his letter satchel
on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal.  As the mailman finished
his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from
leaving and disappears upstairs.  She returns in a moment, in a daring
negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate
farewell is consummated between the sheets.
 	As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand,
pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him.  Reacting to his astonished
look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that
we should do something for you.  He said 'Fuck him.  Give him a dollar!'"
She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea."
%
	The other day my girlfriend and I were going to a party and on the
way there, we got a flat tire.  We got out of the car and I pumped, she
jacked I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked and then we changed the
tire.  Eventually we arrived at the party and when we walked in, everyone was
jumping for joy.  What a sight seeing her hanging nude from the chandelier!
Well the party was OK, I guess, we just sat around drinking sherry and eating
candy.  Everybody else started feeling merry.  Those have got to be the three
wildest girls I know.
%
	The people of Halifax invented the trampoline.  During the Victorian
period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a large wooden
frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress' it.  The tripoline,
as they called it, degenerated into becoming the apparatus for a spectator
sport.
	The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
castrating pigs during Sunday service.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
	The radio was screaming: "Power to the People -- Right On!" John
Lennon's political song, ten years too late.  "That poor fool should have
stayed where he was," said my attorney.  "Punks like him only get in the
way when they try to be serious."
	"Speaking of serious," I said. "I think it's about time to get
into the ether and the cocaine."
	"Forget ether," he said. "Let's save it for soaking down the rug
in the suite.  But here's this.  Your half of the sunshine blotter.  Just
chew it up like baseball gum."
	I took the blotter and ate it.  My attorney was now fumbling with
the salt shaker containing the cocaine.  Opening it.  Spilling it.  Then
screaming and grabbing at the air, as our fine white dust blew up and out
across the desert highway.  A very expensive little twister rising up from
the Great Red Shark.  "Oh, Jesus!" he moaned.  "Did you see what God just
did to us?"
		-- Raoul Duke, "Rolling Stone", issue 95, Nov. 11, 1971
%
	THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION

 1. WITTY AND CHARMING:  This is after one or two drinks.  The tongue is
	loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain.  In the "witty
	and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms and and
	phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "No way, Jose" or
	"Bullsheyet".
 2. RICH AND POWERFUL:  By the third drink, you begin mentioning the little
	380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place.
 3. BENEVOLENT:  You'll buy her a Mercedes, too.  It's only money.
 4. JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT:  Stall tactic.
 5. TO HELL WITH DINNER:  Just one more and then we'll eat.
 6. PATRIOTIC:  The war stories begin.
 7. CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY":  "We could have won in Nam, but..."
 8. INVISIBLE:  So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like.
 9. WITTY AND CHARMING PART II:  You know, you don't sweat much for a fat girl.
10. BULLETPROOF:  Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive.
		-- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son
		   of a Gun".
%
	The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did
wonderfully in time trials.  However, in actual races he proved a little too
romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.
	So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be
castrated.  The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue
factory, took it philosophically.  After all, having the operation was
almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
	After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time
trials, and found to do as well as ever.  But the first time he actually
ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look
on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
	"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"
	"Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand
people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?"
%
	The young man took a blind date to the amusement park.  They went
for a ride on the Ferris wheel.  The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
	"I wanna get weighed," she said.  So he took her over to the weight
guesser.  Next they rode the roller coaster.  After that he bought her some
popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
	"I wanna get weighed," she said, bluntly.
	I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the boy, and
using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's
wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
	"Wousy," said the girl.
%
	There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism.  They go
and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain
from sex for thirty days.
	Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest.  He asks
the first couple if they passed the test.
	"Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.
	"Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter
the Church."  Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.
	"Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine
until the 27th day.  My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and
I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on.  I couldn't
stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it
to her right there."
	"That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows.  "I can never let you into
the Church after something like that."
	"I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us
into Safeway anymore either."
%
	There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in
a bar having a few drinks together.
	The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to
drive your wife wild in bed?"
	"Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the
garden and pick some roses.  Then I take the petals off and put them all over
her body. then I gently blow them off with a soft, even breath, and that drives
her wild with desire."
	"Interesting," the Englishman replies.  "After my wife and I make love
I massage baby oil gently all over her body -- that works for me!"
Then the pair turn to the Newfie and ask him what he does.
	"Well...", he says, "when me and the old lady are through, I jump
out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain.  And that REALLY drives
her wild."
%
	These two project managers were walking through a residential area
one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its
cock.  (Why do dogs do that?  Because they can).  Anyway, the first manager
nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that!  That really looks like fun
-- I wish I could do that!"
	Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried
it once, and the damn dog bit me!"
%
	"They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
parents will be happy to see them.  I mean, really, can you imagine someone
being happy to see an orphan?  Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
	The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
whereabouts of their natural parents.  She is a woman with a mission:
	"Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
country.  We're completely computerized.
	"The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
leads as possible.  We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
country.  Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared.  They
look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
	"Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
	"It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with.  Last year
we even sent one kid all the way to Australia.  I mean, really.  Besides, if
your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
		-- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
%
	This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks
the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet.  It works: four
months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem.
He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be.  He calls
up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry.  "There's a special
surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him.  "Just
come on over to the clinic."
	"But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand.  I'm too
embarrassed to be seen in public like this."
	"Don't give it another thought," says the doctor.  "Simply pull up
all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put
on a top hat, and come on over."
	The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he
reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk,
dying of self-consciousness.  "The doctor will be right with you," says the
nurse.  "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?"
	"My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?"
%
	This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters
with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands
dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him.
	"Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks.
	Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim,
the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next
requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position.
	"Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the
guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of
being so helpless.
	"Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door.  "I can't do a
*thing* 'til my nails dry!"
%
	This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling
good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair,
sobbing  like crazy.  He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?"
	"I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed...
<sniffle>"
	So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady.
He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss.  This does wonders, and
the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders
away feeling wonderful.
	Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and
sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out.  Gallant to the
end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?"
	"I...I'm <sob, sniffle, sniffle> 21 and I've never been fucked..."
	The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings
her over to the shore, and throws her into the water.  "Now you're fucked!"
%
	Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge.
The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for
selling ties without a license.  "What do you do for a living?" the judge
asked, pointing at the first girl.
	"Your honor, I'm a model," she replied.
	"Thirty days," was the sentence.  The judge turned to the second
girl.  "What do you do for a living?" he asked.
	"Your honor, I'm an actress."
	"Thirty days."  Then he turned to the third girl.  "And how about
you?" he demanded.
	"Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute.  I'm not proud of it, but it's
the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been
laid off."
	"For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence.
Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out."  Now he turns to Feldstein,
arrested for selling ties illegally.  "And you," he said, "what do you do
for a living?"
	"Your honor, I'm a prostitute.  I'm not proud..."
%
	Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally
ran out.  "I have an idea," croaked Al.  "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow
shum money from my wife."
	The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light,
and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man.
This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to
affect the husband.
	"Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he
asked.
	"Yes, yes," she snapped.  "Take my purse from the mantle, and for
Pete's sake, turn off those lights."
	Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's
enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me.  Pretty good, eh, old buddy?"
	"But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle
he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?"
	"The hell with him," replied Al.  "Let him buy his own pint."
%
	Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club
car of a train headed east out of Chicago.
	"I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to
London?"
	The American laughed.  "It was my home for two years during the war,"
he said.  "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
	The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did
he say, Reggie?"
	"He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman
replied.
	After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You
didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"
	The American almost fell off his chair.  "Hot Pants Hazel!" he
exclaimed.  "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months
just before I came back to the States!"
	"What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
	"He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
%
	Two gay guys, Larry and Phil, were driving down the highway when they
were rear-ended by a huge semi.  Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the
side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck
driver.  "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked.
	Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to
deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl,
"Ah, why doncha suck my cock."
	"Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going
to be able to settle out of court."
%
	Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how
to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say
`ass' and I'll say `hell'".
	All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their
mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
	"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room,
and turns to the younger brother.  "What'll you have?"
	"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
%
	Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about
their troubles.  "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife
has cut me down to just once a week."
	"That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse.  I know
two guys she's cut off altogether.
%
	Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering
the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
mortuary, and the mortician began work.  When he had unclothed the corpse, he
noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well,
hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung.  He put the cork back, and
the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're
lookin' swell, Dolly!".  Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he
come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner
asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally
the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop.  When he got there, he
said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at
this ungodly hour?"
	The man said, "Come into the embalming room."
	They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now
watch."
	He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The
partner looks at him disgustedly and says:  "You brought me down here at
three in the morning just to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"?
%
	Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other
and says, "There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen
roses, damn it.  That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for
three days."
	Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?"

%
	We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the
drugs began to take hold.  I remember saying something like "I feel a bit
lightheaded; maybe you should drive...."  And suddenly there was a terrible
roar all around us and the sky was full of what looked like huge bats, all
swooping and screeching and diving around the car, which was going about a
hundred miles an hour with the top down to Las Vegas.  And a voice was
screaming: "Holy Jesus!  What are these goddamn animals?"
	Then it was quiet again.  My attorney had taken his shirt off and
was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process.  "What the
hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his
eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses.  "Never mind,"
I said.  "It's your turn to drive."  I hit the brakes and aimed the Great
Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway.  No point in mentioning the
bats, I thought.  The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
		-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas:
		A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream"
%
	Well, there was this tiger, who woke up one morning, and just felt
great (yes, just like Tony the Tiger: GREAAAAAAT).  Anyway, he just felt
so good, he went out and cornered a small monkey and roared at him: "WHO IS
THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
	And this poor quaking little monkey replied: "You are of course, no
one is mightier than you."
	A little while later this tiger confronts a deer, and just bellows out:
"WHO IS THE GREATEST AND STRONGEST OF ALL THE JUNGLE ANIMALS?"
	The deer is shaking so hard it can barely speak, but manages to
stammer: "Oh great tiger, you are by far the mightiest animal in the jungle."
	The tiger, being on a roll, swaggered, up to an elephant that was
quietly munching on some weeds, and roared at the top of his voice: "WHO IS
THE MIGHTIEST OF ALL THE ANIMALS IN THE JUNGLE?"
	Well, this elephant grabs the tiger with his trunk, picks him up, slams
him down; picks him up again, and shakes him until the tiger is just a blur of
orange and black; and finally throws him violently into a nearby tree.
	The tiger staggers to his feet, looks at the elephant and says: "Man,
you don't have to get so pissed, just because you don't know the answer!"
%
	Well, this woman went to the butcher shop to get some ham for dinner.
She asked the butcher what kind of ham he recommended, and the butcher said,
"Well ma'am, we got some Damn ham here for $3.50 a pound..."  Needless to
say, she was surprised at the butcher's language!  The butcher, who was
reasonably astute, noticed the alarmed look on the woman's face, and quickly
justified himself.  "No, no, ma'am, I wasn't cursin', the NAME of this here
ham is "Damn ham".  Amused, the woman requested some "Damn ham."
	That night, before dinner, the woman took her husband aside and
explained what had happened at the butcher shop.  He also was amused, and
suggested that they play a joke on their son.  So, at dinner, after grace,
the man turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pass the damn ham."
	Their son looked up, surprised.  "WHOAH!  Dad be gettin' hip!
How 'bout them mother-fuckin' potatoes?"
%
	When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
operation, the young woman asked him somewhat hesitantly how long
it would be before she could resume her sex life.
	"I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon.
"You're the first patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
%
	When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
hands.  Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil.  This is a happy
but fleeting state of affairs.  Usually your feelings die about thirty
seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty.  Wanna get high?
	Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
Rumania.
		-- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
%
	While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
the woods and disappear across the clearing.  Just as she got out of sight,
three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
	"Yes," replied the hunter.  "What's the trouble?"
	"She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
then.  We're trying to catch her."
	"I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
carrying a bucket of sand?"
	"That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
%
	While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself
out of money just as her visa expired.  Unable to pay her passage back to
France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting
proposition.  "My ship is sailing tonight," he said.  "I'll smuggle you
aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets
and food.  All it will cost you is a little love."
	The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on
board his vessel.  Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large
tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway
and departed.  The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned
into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one
evening and followed him.  After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he
waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding
an explanation.  She told him the whole story.
	"Hmmm," mused the captain.  "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
admire that young seaman's ingenuity.  However, miss, I feel it is only fair
to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry."
%
	"Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last
night?" demanded the irate mother.
"I could hear the giggling and squealing for a good half hour."
	"But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the
movies you ought to at least kiss him good night."
	"I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother.
	"We did."
%
	With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before.  "What's the trouble,
buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
	"It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
	"I guessed that much.  Tell me about it."
	"I can't," Conrad said.  But after a few more drinks his tongue
and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
"Okay. It's your wife."
	"My wife!!"
	"Yeah."
	"What about her?"
	Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
his pal.  "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
%
	"Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple rings in black.  Will there
be anything else?"
%
	You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an
elephant in the bed with her.  Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you
up in the bar last night?"
	"Uh-huh," the  elephant replies.
	"Did I bring you home?"
	"Uh-huh."
	"Did we, uh, fool around?"
	"Uh-huh."
	"Lord, I must have been tight!"
	"Not any more."
%
... and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers.  No matter how assured
we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful
inconsistencies, exceptions, and contradictions.  This is true in religion
as it is in politics, and is self-evident to all except fanatics and the
naive.  As for the fanatics, whose number is legion in our own time, we
might be advised to leave them to heaven.  They will not, unfortunately, do
us the same courtesy.  They attack us and each other, and whatever their
protestations to peaceful intent, the bloody record of history makes clear
that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword.  My own belief in
God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge.  My respect
for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most
virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth.  But even well-educated Christians are
frustrated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus
because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record.  Such ambiguity
is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar
is perfectly aware of it.  Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to
obscure such reality.
		-- Steve Allen
%
... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed
beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and
quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's
wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at
the same time.  Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald
had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all
concerned...
I gan noo wha ma organs gan
When oft I lay abed			I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur
So rither hang me upside doon		That smelt so mooch of sweat
Than by ma empty head.			For she was iver sweet and pure
					And iver her purse was wet.
But old Sir Oswald allus stank
Of horse and hound and dung		So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree
And when I chose to breech his rank	And draw ma innards out
Was barrel to my bung.			That all the wald around may see
					What I have done without.
But ere ye come to draw ma heart
Na do it all so quick			So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry
But prise the arse of Oswald 'part	'Tis all the same to me
And bring me back ma prick.		I canna wait for him to die
					Afore I have a pee.
		-- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry"
%
1. The sport of choice for the low skill level employees is: BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintainence level employees is: BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is: FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: GOLF.

AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller
your balls.
%
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:

 1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
 2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
 3. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
 4. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
 5. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
 6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
 7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
 8. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
 9. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
10. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
%
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:

 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
	quarterback.
 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
 4. You don't have to let a beer win.
 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
	sleep with it beer, too.
 6. A beer helps with the housework.
 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
10. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
%
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:

 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
	quarterback.
 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
 4. You don't have to let a beer win.
 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
	sleep with it, too.
 6. A beer helps with the housework.
 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
10. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
%
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:

 1. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
 2. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.
 3. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
 4. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
 5. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
 6. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
 7. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
 8. A beer doesn't snore.
 9. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
10. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
%
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:

 1. Beer understands the difference between shooting down an unidentified
	aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
 2. A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission.
 3. A beer never fishes for compliments.
 4. Beer tastes good.
 5. A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes' Greatest
	Hits" as much as you do.
 6. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
 7. A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store.
 8. Beer never asks you to change the station.
 9. A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's twenty
	cents less expensive.
10. A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste
	like grass.
%
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:

 1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
 2. Beer stains wash out.
 3. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
 4. Beer never makes you wait.
 5. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
 6. Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family".
 7. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
 8. Beer doesn't demand equality.
 9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
%
15 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:

 1. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
 2. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
 3. A beer won't steal all the covers.
 4. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer.
 5. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
 6. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo".
 7. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
 8. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
 9. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
10. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
11. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
12. A beer won't talk about the women who had it before you.
13. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series.
14. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
15. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe".  Or "Sugar".
%
18th Rule of Friendship:
	A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof
	to install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you
	ever saw.
		-- Esquire, May 1977
%
20 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN
 1. A beer never leaves the toilet seat up.
 2. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
 3. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
 4. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
 5. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
 6. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
 7. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
 8. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
 9. A beer won't steal the covers.
10. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo".
11. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
12. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
13. A beer tastes good.
14. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
15. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback.
16. You don't have to let a beer win.
17. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
18. A beer will never call you "Babe".  Or "Sugar-hips".
19. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
20. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
%
667 -- The neighbor of the beast.
%
68:
	Do me now and I'll owe you one.
%
6802 hackers make great use of the SEX instruction.
%
69 + 69 = dinner for 4.
%
71:
	69 with two fingers up your ass.
		-- George Carlin
%
7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
	The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
	Redwood Forest.

7:30, Channel 8: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
	The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
	Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
%
8 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:

 1. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
 2. A beer doesn't care when you come.
 3. Beer doesn't have a mother.
 4. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
 5. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy
	"just for the articles".
 6. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
 7.  Beer doesn't always want to go to the 'powder room' with everyone
	else's beer.
 8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't
	make you ill.
%
A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch.  He'd been prospecting for
more than a year.
	"Hey!  Y'got any wimmen around here?"
	"Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room."
	"I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled.  He
downed his drink and left disgustedly.
A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again.
He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through
this part of town?"
	"Nope.  Nary a one.  But we still got George in the back room."
	Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of
thing," and turned on his heel and left.
	Within a year he came back from his mine again.  With a wild look on
his face he re-entered the saloon.  Leaning over the bar he whispered to the
bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people
'round here would know?"
	"Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess."
	"Seven!?"
	"Yep.  You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down.  You see,
George don't go for that kind of thing neither."
%
A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a
patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to fuck Northern
women!"  The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out
of the bar.
	The Rebel moved over to the next guy and said, "Ah'm big and ah'm
bad and I *loves* to fuck New York women."  The guy took one look at him,
blanched and ran out of the bar.
	The man then went over to a short little guy with "Bronx" written
all over him.  "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister."
	The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame
you one bit.  She's *got* to be an improvement on yours."
%
A bad little girl in Madrid,
A most reprehensible kid,
	Told her Tante Louise
	That her cunt smelled like cheese,
And the worst of it was that it did!
%
A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself.
	"What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired.
	"You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!"
	"What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked.
	"It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody."
%
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
	Saw a man come along
	And, unless I am wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
%
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
	Saw a man come along
	And, unless I'm quite wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
%
A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of
six.  One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully
sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from
another shipwreck that morning.  After they got over their initial surprise
at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he had been alone on
this barren bit of land.
	"Almost twenty years," he answered.
	"Twenty years!" she exclaimed.  "But how ever did you survive?"
	"Oh, I fish, dig for clams, and gather berries and coconuts," he
replied.
	"And what do you do for sex?" she asked.
	"What's that?"  He looked puzzled.
	Whereupon the maiden pulled the innocent young man down onto the sand
beside her and proceeded to demonstrate.  After they had finished, she asked
how he had enjoyed it.
	"Great!" was the reply.  "But look what it did to my clamdigger!"
%
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
I am not I, I'm a tree."
	But another, more sane,
	Shouted, "I'm a great dane "
And covered his pants leg with pee.
%
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
I am not I, I'm a tree."
	But another, more sane,
	Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
And covered his pants leg with pee.
%
A beautiful belle of Del Norte
Is reckoned disdainful and haughty
	Because during the day
	She says: "Boys, keep away!"
But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
%
A beautiful lady named Psyche
Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
	One thing about Ike
	The lady can't like
Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
%
A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
purgatory for the purse.
%
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist.  The doctor takes
one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past.  Right
away he tells her to undress.  After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her
thigh.  As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
	"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
abnormalities."
	"Correct," says the doctor.  He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.
	"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
cancer."
	"That's right," replies the doctor.  He then gradually proceeds to
having sexual intercourse with her.  "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing
now?"
	"Yes," she says.  "You're getting herpes."
%
A beetling young woman named Pridgets
Had a violent abhorrence of midgets;
	Off the end of a wharf
	She once pushed a dwarf
Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
A big store buyer had been on the road for nearly two months.  Each week he
would send his wife a telegram saying,
	"Can't come home yet.  Still buying."
His wife knew that these buying trips usually involved more than business.
She tolerated this particular jaunt for a while, but when the third month
rolled by and she'd still seen nothing of her husband but the weekly telegrams,
she wired him,
	"Better come home.  I'm selling what you're buying."
%
A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression
Sold cigars at a key-club concession.
	When she swiveled about
	Even strong men cried out,
For her costume did not keep her flesh in.
%
A bisexual chap name of Lunt
Taught himself an unusual stunt.
He could peel back his spout
Turn the skin inside out
Like a glove, to be used as a cunt!
%
A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow.
%
A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing
into trees.  At the same time, a blind snake was slithering through the same
forest, with identical results.  They chanced to collide head-on in a clearing.
	"Please excuse me, sir, I'm blind and I bumped into you accidentally,"
apologized the rabbit.
	"That's quite all right," replied the snake, "I have the same
problem!"
	"All my life I've been wondering what I am," said the rabbit, "Do
you think you could help me find out?"
	"I'll try," said the snake.  He gently coiled himself around the
rabbit. "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have a little fluffy tail
and long ears.  You're... hmmm... you're probably a bunny rabbit!"
	"Great!" said the rabbit.  "Thanks, I really owe you one!"
	"Well," replied the snake, "I don't know what I am, either.  Do you
suppose you could try and tell me?"
	The rabbit ran his paws all over the snake.  "Well, you're low, cold
and slimey..."  And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have
no balls.  You must be an attorney!"
%
A bobby of Nottingham Junction
Whose organ had long ceased to function
	Deceived his good wife
	For the rest of her life
With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
%
A broken-down harlot named Tupps
Was heard to confess in her cups:
	"The height of my folly
	Was diddling a collie-
But I got a nice price for the pups."
%
A broken-down harlot named Tupps
Was heard to confess in her cups:
	"The height of my folly
	Was fucking a collie --
But I got a nice price for the pups."
%
A burlesque dancer, a pip
Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
	But she read science fiction
	And died of constriction
Attempting a Moebius strip.
		-- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
%
A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar.
Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute
and that her price was $500.  He was taken aback by the price, but after
a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room.  She spent a few
minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him
masturbating furiously on the bed.  "What are you doing?", she asked.
	"Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!"
%
A busy young lady named Gloria
Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
	And then by six men,
	Sir Gerald again,
And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
%
A cabin boy on an old clipper
Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
	He plugged up his ass
	With fragments of glass
And thus circumcised his old skipper.
%
A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick
fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off
the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car.
	The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate
to be alive.  The Catholic crossed himself.  Then the Protestant crossed
himself in an accentuated manner.
	"Hey," said the Catholic, "I why did you cross yourself, you're not
Catholic!"
	"Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again,
"spectacles, testicals, wallet, pen."
%
A cautious young fellow named Lodge
Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
	When his date was strapped in,
	He committed a sin,
Without even leaving his grodge.
%
A cautious young fellow named Lodge,
Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
	With his date all strapped in
	He committed a sin
Without even leaving the garage.
		-- "A Boy and His Dog"
%
A cautious young fellow named Tunney
Had a whang that was worth any money.
	When eased in half-way,
	The girl's sigh made him say,
"Why the sigh?"  "For the rest of it, honey."
%
A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar
by starting a gimmick involving a horse.  His claim was that if anyone could
get the horse to laugh, he would give them drinks on the house.  The idea
worked well and business improved until one night a young man walked in and
whispered in the horse's ear.  The horse immediately burst into hysterical
laughter and the man won the contest.  The next night the same thing
happened: the man whispered in the horse's ear and the horse burst out
laughing.  The next night, the bartender decided to change the rules.  Now,
a person had to get the horse to cry in order to win the drinks on the
house.  Later on that night, the same guy came in and said "Can I take the
horse into the bathroom for a minute?  I promise I'll make him cry."  The
bartender agreed and sure enough, when the man came out leading the horse,
the horse was crying his eyes out.  The bartender could take it no more and
said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?"
	"I told him that my dick was bigger than his", replied the man.
	"How did you make him cry tonight?"
	"I proved it."
%
A certain young man, it was noted,
Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
	He said, "You may scoff,
	But I shan't take it off;
Underneath I am horribly bloated."
		-- Edward Gorey
%
A certain young person of Ghent,
Uncertain if lady or gent,
	Shows his organs at large
	For a small handling charge
To assist him in paying the rent.
%
A certain young sheik of Algiers
Said to his harem, "My dears,
	Though you may think it odd of me,
	I'm tired of just sodomy
Let's try straight fucking."  (loud cheers!)
%
A chap down in Oklahoma
Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
	But the sweetness of pitch
	Couldn't put off the hitch
Of impotence, size and aroma.
%
A charmer from old Amarillo,
Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
	Decided one day
	That to keep men away
She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
%
A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
Had a pussy as large as a muff.
	It had room for both hands
	And some intimate glands,
And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
%
A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
%
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on
Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
		-- Thomas Ybarra
%
A clergical student named Simms
Hums liturgical tunes while he rims:
	A nice piece of ass
	Gets the B-Minor Mass ...
All the others get Anglican hymns.
%
A clerical student named Pryne
Through pain sought to reach the divine:
	He wore a hair shirt,
	Quite often ate dirt,
And bathed every Friday in brine.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
A clever young man named Eugene
Invented a jack-off machine.
	On the twenty-third stroke
	The fuckin' thing broke
And beat both his balls to a creame.
%
A clever young man named Eugene
Invented a jack-off machine.
	On the twenty-third stroke
	The goddam thing broke
And beat both his balls to a creame.
%
A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica;
most men know it's there, but few really care.
%
A cocksucking steno named Beeman
Remarked as she swallowed my semen :
	"On my minuscule salary
	 I must watch every calorie,
So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
%
A computer called Illiac4
Had a rather tough bug in its core.
	It chewed up its cards
	And spewed yards and yards
Of illegible tape on the floor.
%
A computer, to print out a fact,
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
	But this output can be
	No more than debris,
If the input was short of exact.
		-- Gigo
%
A contortionist hailing from Lynch
Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
	A foot cost a quid --
	He could and he did
Stretch it to three in a pinch.
%
A corpulent maiden named Kroll
Had a notion exceedingly droll:
	At a masquerade ball,
	Dressed in nothing at all,
She backed in as a Parker House roll.
%
A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.

		[something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack?  Ed.]
%
A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by
chance their seats were next to the elephant pen.  When his father left
to buy popcorn, the boy piped up,
	"Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
	"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
	"No, not that."
	"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
	"No, Mom.  Down underneath."
	His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."
	Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get
a soda.  As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.
	"That's the elephant's trunk, son."
	"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is.  The thing at the
other end."
	"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
	"No.  Down there."
	The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's
penis."
	"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
	The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled*
that woman."
%
A couple was fishing near Clombe
When the maid began looking quite glum,
	And said, "Bother the fish!
	I'd rather coish!"
Which they did -- which was why they had come.
%
A cowhand way out in Seattle
Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
	He said, "No, I can't fuck
	A lamb or a duck,
But golly! it just fits the cattle."
%
A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
And had an affair with a Saracen.
	She was not oversexed,
	Or jealous or vexed,
She just wanted to make a comparison.
%
A CS student named Lin
Had a prick the size of a pin
	It was no good for girls
	But just great for squirrels
Who squealed with delight with it in.
%
A cute little twerp from Samoa
Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
	It was good for keyholes
	And debutantes' peeholes
But not worth a damn on a whoa.
%
A daredevil skater named Lowe,
Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
	But is proudest of doing,
	Some incredible screwing,
Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
%
A deep-throated virgin named Netty
Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
	She said, "It tastes nice,
	Much better than rice,
Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
%
A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine.
		-- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
%
A delighted, incredulous bride
Remarked to her groom at her side :
	"I never could quite
	 Believe till tonight
Our anatomies would coincide."
%
A dentist, young doctor Malone,
Got a charming girl patient alone,
	And, in his depravity,
	Filled the wrong cavity.
God, how his practice has grown.
%
A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
	Let his third-story front,
	To a willing young cunt,
Who supplied him a new lease on life!
%
A desperate spinster from Clare
Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
	And prayed to her God
	For a romp on the sod--
'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
%
A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
	As quick as a glance
	He stripped off his pants,
But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
%
A doctoral student from Buckingham
Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
	But a dropout from paree
	Taught him Gamahuchee
- so he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
%
A doctoral student from Buckingham
Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
	But a dropout from paree
	Taught him Gamahuchee
So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
%
A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
	She blew her vagina
	To South Carolina,
And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.

A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
	They found her vagina,
	In South Carolina,
And part of her ass in Brazil.
%
A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
Whose overworked sex is all callous,
	Wore the foreskin away
	On uncircumcised Ray,
Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
%
A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
Wished to foster an aura of menace;
	To make people afraid
	He wore gloves of grey suede
And white footgear intended for tennis.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
Wished to foster an aura of menace.
	To make people afraid
	He wore gloves of grey suede
And white footgear intended for tennis.
		-- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
%
A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular single's place,
watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women.  The
guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few
moments with each woman.  As he worked his way closer, while he couldn't
hear what the young man was saying, he realized that the women were somewhat
shocked at his approach.  Finally, the man approaches a pretty brunette and
they hit it off immediately.  After a bit of quiet conversation, she handed
the young man her hotel key and they started off for the elevators.  As they
passed the drunk, he stopped the lucky one and asked him what his method was.
	"Well," the man replied, "It's simple.  You say 'Tickle your ass
with a feather?'  If she sounds interested, you take it from there.  If she
sounds angry, you smile and say 'Typically nasty weather.'"
	The drunk says "Ohhhhh, got it, I got it!" and walks over to a woman
at the end of the bar to try out his new approach.  Getting her attention,
he smiles and says "Fuck me!"
	"What?!?!?" she screams.
	"Raining like hell, isn't it?"
%
A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
%
A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation.  He rented a boat,
rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
on the bottom of the lake.  He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
station.  "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
drowned in the lake!"
	"Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
more chain than he can swim with?"
%
A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
%
A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him,
	"If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you."
The trouble is, the note wasn't signed.
%
A friendly message from your Internal Revenue Service: tax time is
coming again soon.  Bend over.
%
A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how
hard it was to get any sleep.
	"I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a
drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
	"That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
	"At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out."
%
A game can by God repent or we'll punish it.
That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century,
and that's how we'll do it now.
		-- Dick Hamlet
%
A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works.
		-- Bobby Knight
%
A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
%
A gorgeous young sophomore is having an affair with her English
professor.  She goes home to visit her family for Christmas vacation
and when she gets back, she immediately invites him over for the
night.  As soon as he walks through the door she hugs him and
asks, "Were you blue while I was away?"
	"Blown, my dear," the professor corrects her, "blown."
%
A grade school teacher, who was doing a unit on World War II heard that
the father of one of her students had been a fighter pilot during the war
with one of the Scandinavian Air Forces.  She invited him to come in and
speak to the class.  The guy was more than happy to talk, and began with
a story about a morning patrol where he had been nearly shot down.
	"We had been up for about 20 minutes flying over enemy held
territory, when we noticed, just in time, 3 fokkers diving on us from above."
At the first mention of `fokkers' the class giggled a little bit.
	"Our group broke formation, and began the dog-fighting.  As we
fought, we noticed 2 more fokkers coming at us from above and 2 more
fokkers, fresh from the landing field, come to join the battle".
At this second and third mention of `fokkers' the class was almost laughing
openly, and the teacher interrupted the story to ask the pilot to explain
to the class that a 'fokker' was a particular type of plane flown by the
German Air Force.
	He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts".
%
A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which
they hoped would prove to be the missing link.  The proof of their theory,
however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see
what characteristics the offspring would assume.  Needing volunteers, the
scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape."
	Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he
would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions.
	"First," he said, "my wife must never know.  Second, any children
must be baptized.  And, third, I'd have to pay in installments."
%
A guest in a household quite charmless
Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
	"If you're caught unawares
	At the head of the stairs,
Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
		-- Edward Gorey
%
A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest
girl there.
	"This is a very special frog," he informs her.  "His name is Charlie."
	"What's so special about this frog?" she asks.
He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that,
	"This frog can eat pussy."
The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her
a filthy lie.  But no, he assures her, it's completely true.  And after much
discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action.
She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and
says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!"  The frog is immobile, despite his
owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker.
	"Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!"
	"C'mon Charlie, do your stuff!"
By now, the girl is laughing openly.
	"Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm
only going to show you one more time."
%
A guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, carries it to the bathroom and dumps it
into a urinal.  Over the course of the next few hours, he goes back to the bar
and repeats this sequence -- several times.  Finally the bartender got so
curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing.
	Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman."
%
A habit depraved and unsavory
Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
	Midst screeches and howls
	He deflowered young owls
Which he kept in an underground aviary
%
A habit obscene and bizarre,
Has taken a-hold of papa.
	He brings home young camels
	And other odd mammals,
And gives them a go at mama.
%
A habit obscene and unsavory,
Holds a CS professor in slavery.
	With maniacal howls,
	He deflowers young owls,
That he keeps in an underground aviary.
%
A hacker who screwed a mag tape
Was caught and convicted of rape.
	To jail he did go,
	From which, to his woe
He couldn't get out with ESC.
%
A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
Made love to the drive of his disk.
	The thing circumsized him,
	Which rather surprised him.
He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
%
A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush.
%
A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird.
%
A hard man is good to find.
%
A huge Rambolike fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of
the bar.  After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his
right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers.  Anyone have a problem with
that?"
	When no one said a word, the brawny fellow ordered another whiskey,
downed it in one gulp, turned to the five men on his left and said, "You're
all cocksuckers.  Anyone have a problem with that?"
	Everybody on the left stared silently into his drink.  Suddenly, a man
on the right stood up and started walking toward the big guy.  "Hey, asshole!"
the thug bellowed.  "You got a problem with what I said?"
	"No problem at all," came the reply.  "I was just sitting at the wrong
end of the bar."
%
A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor.  In gratitude, the boy gave
the hunter a magic gorilla prick.  The lad said the prick would do anything you
told it to do until you told it to do something else.  When the hunter returned
home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some
of his other trophies.  His wife thought it quaint and his story charming.  But
soon, the hunter went a-safariing again.  He was away for months.  One evening,
the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me."
Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great
thoroughness and ferocity.  For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven,
but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it,
Gorilla Prick," but it didn't.  After a bit more she was screaming "Stop!
Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole.  But nothing
worked.  Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams.
	"Saunders, help me please!"
	"But what is it, Madame?"
	"It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!"
	"Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!"
%
A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.  When
she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.  The man shouted,
"What, no wool?  In my country all women have wool down there."
	The prostitute snapped back,  "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
%
A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska.  He drove for three days
and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
line.  He halted his car and walked up to the border guard.  "Hi, there!  How
do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
	The guard looked him up and down and grinned.  "Waal," he answered,
there are three things you gotta do to get in.  First, drink down a quart of
110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'.  Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
	"Sounds easy enough," said the Texan.  "Where can I get a quart of
this here corn liquor?"
	"Got one right here," replied the guard.
	The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
	"Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
	The Texan lurched merrily off.  About an hour later he returned
with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody.  He was
smiling happily.  "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
want killed?"
%
A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream.  "Help! Help, I
can't thwim!"  One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned
over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream.  Just reach out
and grab that buoy near you."  To which the floundering sodomite answered,
"Buoy!  Oh, thith ith no time for thekth, you degenerate... I'm dwowning!"
%
A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.
		-- Norman Mailer
%
A little Mexican boy comes home from school one day and says to his grand-
father, "Granddaddy, today my teacher said that Pancho Villa, the bandit
used to raid towns around here!  Did you ever know him?"
	"Do *I* know Pancho Villa?" exclaims the man.  "Why, boy, before
your father was born, I was riding into town on my horse.  Suddenly, from
behind the bushes leaped Pancho with his six-guns drawn!  He told me to get
down off the horse and to give him all my money.  Then, he told me to scoop
some manure from the ground and eat it!"
	"I refused at first, but Pancho had the guns, so I ate the shit.
And he started laughing so hard that it scared his horse into rearing up --
I grabbed the guns from his hands!  I said to Pancho, `Okay, Pancho, now
it's your turn -- you eat the shit!'  I had the guns, so he ate the shit.
	"And you ask me, child, if I know Pancho Villa, the bandit!  Why,
we had *lunch* together!"
%
A lively case was in progress in the District Court at Lick Skillet. Judge
Flannery was presiding, and on the witness stand was Tush Bumpass.
	"From where ah was standin'", drawled Tush, "Ah could see he'd
backed 'er up agin' thet there wall, and ef Ah ever sawed a screwin' match,
thet one wuz!"
	"Mr. Bumpass," the Judge interrupted, "I'd prefer that you not use
the word 'screw' in the courtroom. Say 'intercourse' instead."
	Tush looked puzzled. "Intercourse?  Whut's thet, Judge?"
	His Honor sighed.  "It's a technicality of language that you're
probably not aware of.  Never mind.  Please continue."
	"Well, like ah said, he had 'er shoved up agin' thet wall, an' he
was... uh... intercoursin' 'er, an' he give 'er the crossjostle, the Chicago
Stroke, an she let out with a holler thet..."
	"One moment," interrupted the Bench. "What is this, ah, Chicago
Stroke, Mr. Bumpass?"
	"Well, thet's a technicality of screwin', Judge, thet you're probably
not aware of!"
%
A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
		-- Thomas Hardy
%
A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
		-- Carrie Snow
%
A man always needs to remember one thing about
a beautiful woman.  Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
%
A man and a woman got married.  Although it is the first time for the
husband, it is the woman's second marriage.  As they go to bed on their
wedding night, the wife says to her husband:

	"Dear, there's something I must tell you.  I'm a virgin."
Naturally, the husband is surprised.
	"You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a
virgin?"
	"Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a
computer programmer."
	"What's so odd about that?", he asked.  "Why would you still be
a virgin after a marriage to a programmer?"
	"Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and
tell me how great it was going to be."
%
A man arrived home early to find his wife in the arms of his best friend,
who swore how much they were in love.  To quiet the enraged husband, the
lover suggested, "Friends shouldn't fight, let's play gin rummy.  If I win,
you get a divorce so I can marry her.  If you win, I promise never to see
her again.  Okay?"
	"Alright," agreed the husband.  "But how about a quarter a point
on the side to make it interesting?"
%
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
		-- Joan Rivers
%
A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke.  The man sitting
next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
Polish."
	He then calls out, "Ivan!  Come over here and bring your brother."
Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
	"Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
with you."  Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
the joke.
	"Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
	"Nah," says the man.
	"Oh, no?  And why not?  I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
man, opening and closing his fist.  "Are you scared?"
	"No," replies the man.  "I just don't feel like having to explain it
five times."
%
A man goes into a hospital for a routine appendectomy.  When he wakes up
from the anesthesia, he sees a large group of doctors gathered anxiously
around his bed.
	"What happened?" he asks worriedly.
	"Well," says one of the doctors, "there was a small clerical error,
and you got mixed-up with another patient.  Instead of an appendectomy, we
performed a sex-change operation.  Your penis has been removed and a vagina
has been crafted into place."
	"WHAT!!!" screams the man.  "That's horrible!  What am I going to
tell my wife?  Can't you reverse it?  This means I'm never going to experience
another erection!"
	"Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of
course, have to be someone else's."
%
A man is as old as the woman he feels.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno.  By the roadside he
sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up.  As the man gets into his
car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car.
	"All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off."
	"What!?" says the man, disbelievingly.
	"Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker.
	So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right,
I did what you wanted, can I go now?"
	"Nope," says the hijacker.  "Do it again."
	"Again?" the driver exclaims.  "I just did it."
	"Do it again."
	It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again.
Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave.
	"Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more
time."
	The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat.  It takes him
twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time.
	"Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?"
	"Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun.  "And this is my daughter;
I want you to drive her into Salerno."
%
A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman
for companionship.  The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well
until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at
which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared.  Months later,
a raft drifts into sight.  The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it,
takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her.
	"You are so good to me," she responds gratefully.  "I'd do absolutely
anything to show my gratitude."
	"Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope
that holds up his ragged pants.  "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash
and take that damn dog for a walk!"
%
A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club when he hits a hole-
in-one.  As he takes his ball from the cup, a genie appears.
	"Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish.  What
is your heart's desire?"
	"Great!", replies the man.  I want a longer penis."
	"Your wish is granted," says the genie, and promptly disappears.
	As the golfer continues through the rest of the course he can
feel his penis slowly growing, to an extent that it's becoming uncomfortable.
By the time he completes the 18th hole it's extended down his pants leg to
his knee.  Thinking to himself that this isn't quite what he had in mind, he
grabs a bucket of balls and heads back out onto the course.  Three weeks later,
he manages another hole-in-one and the genie reappears.
	"Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish.  What
is your heart's desire?"
	"Yeah, I know all that," replies the man.  "Listen, could you make
my legs longer?"
%
A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick"
contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000.
	"Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing
out in public!"
	"But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money."
	"I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot.  "I don't want you
showing that thing to everybody."
	And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening
when he hands her $1000.
	"Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want
you to?" she asks.
	"Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says.  "I thought we could use
the money."
	"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says,
tears welling up in her eyes.
	"Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win."
%
A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
longest procession he's ever seen.  It seems to consist of the hearse,
followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
other men.  After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
	"Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen.  What happened, who is
the funeral for?"
	"Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
in-law of the man at the front of the procession.  You see, his Doberman
attacked and killed her."
	"That's awful!", replies the onlooker.  "But... um... tell me, you
don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
	"Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
%
A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
antennae coming out of his head.  He goes up to him and says, "You're not
from around here, are you?"
	"No," replies the man with the antennae.
	"You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
either.  In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
	"Right again," says the man with four arms.  "I'm from Mars."
	"Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
	"We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
	"Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
Martians have that?"
	"Well, no," says the Martian.  "Not the *goyim*."
%
A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
		-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
%
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
%
A man never minds being in the doghouse
as long as he can get his tail outside.
%
A man rushed into a bar and breathlessly asked the bartender to pour him
three straight scotches.  The bartender complied, and watched as he downed
them one after another.
	"Why three scotches?" the bartender asked as he paused for breath.
	"Well, to be honest, I'm celebrating my first blow-job."
	"Hell, congratulations, the next one's on me."
	"No, thanks," the young man replied, "if the first three didn't get
the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will."
%
A man sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't
help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on
the train platform.
	"Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger.
	"Glad to do it," said the other man.
	"Thanks for the food and the drinks -- everything was wonderful."
	"It was a pleasure," said the man.
	"And thank your wife, Sam, she was great," said the passenger,
"she was a truly great lay."
	The man was rather taken aback by this exchange and he later turned
to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but did I understand you
to say that your friend's wife was a great lay?"
	"Well," said the other passenger, "I didn't REALLY enjoy it.  But
Sam is a helluva nice guy."
%
A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor says to him, "I've got
some good news and some bad news."
	"Tell me the good news first" the patient replies.
	"The good news is that your penis is going to be about two inches
longer and about an inch wider," the doctor says.
	"That's great!" says his patient.  "What's the bad news?"
	"Malignant."
%
A man was playing golf one day when a little frog hopped out the water at a
water hazard and croaked,  "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th
person to play through here, I'm prepared to offer you one of two magic gifts:
First, for a whole year you can have the most fabulous sex life that anyone
ever had; beyond your wildest dreams.  Or, second, for a whole year you can
be the best golfer the world has ever known.  Which do you prefer?"  The man
thought a bit and said that he'd take the golf.  Well, the man holed his wood
shot from where he was, completed the course in an average of 2 per hole, and
went round in 22.  Quickly he attracted the attention of the sports world,
and became the world's best-known golfer, setting course records wherever
he went.  A year later he was playing the same course inhabited by the frog,
and at the water hazard the frog hopped out and said, "Well, the year is up,
and you now revert to the 18-handicap player you were before.  But tell me, I
was a little surprised that you chose the golf -- I take it your sex life is
outstanding?"  The man said, "Well, I have no complaints in that department
at all, which is why I chose the golf." "How many times did you engage in sex
last year?" inquired the frog.  The man thought a little and said, "Oh, eight
or ten times, I guess."  "Damn," said the frog, "that doesn't strike me as very
satisfactory."  "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "it doesn't seem so bad
for a Catholic priest from a little town in South Dakota."
%
A man was talking to his best friend about his married life.  "You know," he
says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to
me, but there's *always* that doubt.  There's *always* that little doubt."
	"Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.
	"Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend,
and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone?  I trust
her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt."
	The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.
	"I've got some bad news for you," says the friend.  "The evening
after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house.  A man
got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife.
After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him.  Then, he
took off his shirt and she took off her blouse.  And then the light went
out."
	"*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.
	"Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."
	"Damn!" roared the husband.  "You see what I mean?  There's *always*
that doubt!"
%
A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
find a girl willing to listen to him.
%
A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer.  The bartender
shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
	"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold
the glass for me?
	"Sure," said the bartender.
	"If," said the customer, "you'll reach in my right hand coat pocket,
you'll find the money for the beer."
	The bartender got the money and rang up the bill.
	"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more.
Where is the men's room?"
	"Up the street to the light," said the bartender, "turn left, walk
two blocks, and there's a gas station on the corner."
%
A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
%
A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
%
A man's father is very, very old, and the son can't afford very good treatment
for him, so he's in a rather shabby, run-down nursing home.  One day the son
wins a lottery -- and the first thing he does is install his father in the best
old age home that money can buy.
	On the first day the old man is sitting watching TV, and he starts
to lean a little bit to one side.  Right away a nurse runs over and gently
straightens the old man.  A little later he's eating dinner, and when he
finishes, he begins to tip a little bit to one side.  Another nurse runs
over and gently pushes him upright again.
	The son visits his father later that evening and asks him how he's
being treated.
	"It's a wonderful place, son," replies the father.  "I really like
it here, gourmet food, color TV's in every room, the service is unbelievable,
there's just one little problem."
	"What's that, Dad?"
	"They won't let you fart."
%
A midget had a date with a very tall girl.  It was a quiff-hanger.
%
A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good
many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and
the police.
		-- Mr. Dooley
%
A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down,
swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again.  The mouse worked
his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole.
	"Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?"
	"Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle.
	The mouse's eyes bugged out.  "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?"
%
A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of
Alaska, where there were no women for miles.  He finally couldn't take it
anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve
the pressure.
	"Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the
foreman.  "The other men swear by it."
	The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of
his life.  "That barrel is fantastic!  Warm!  Wet!  I'm going to use it
every day!"
	"Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the
other men replied.
	"Why not then?"
	"That's your day in the barrel."
%
A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes.  So intent is he
on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
	Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
	"But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
	"TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
	"But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
	"TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU.  LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
	Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I...  here I go!"  And he falls
to his death.
	"DUMB YANKEE."
%
A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
by the side of the street.  Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on.  The fellow explained
that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
himself with gasoline and set himself on fire.  "That's terrible," gasped
the man.  "But why is everyone still standing around?"
	"Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
onlooker explained.  "Would you be willing to help?"
	"Well, sure," replied the New Yorker.  "I suppose I could spare a
gallon or two."
%
A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
		-- Phyllis Schlafly
%
A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check
out the local action.  He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk
Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Acquavit or two.  After a few
minutes, an extremely attractive young woman, having been taken with his form
and features, sends a drink down to him, then joins him.  The chemistry between
them is immediate and total.  They have the next drink in her room, and spend
the night repeatedly making passionate love.  The woman has no idea of her
partner's true identity; all she knows is he's driving her mad.  In the
morning, the Norse god jumps into the shower.  Reflecting on the previous
night he decides that he wants to be honest with his new lover.  Without even
bothering to wrap himself in a towel, he leaps from the shower into the room,
where the woman is still in bed, exhausted.  He kneels beside the bed, looks
deep into her eyes and says, "Honey, I have something very important to tell
you -- I'm Thor!".
	The woman looks at him.  "You're Thor?", she says. "My inthides feel
like grated cheeth!"
%
A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
married.  The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
children.  A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
		-- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
		   attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
		   pornography.
%
A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
married.  The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
children.  A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
		-- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
		attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
		pornography.
%
A nuclear family is out golfing one day, when it becomes clear that Dad isn't
going to win any trophies, at least on this course.  On the 3rd hole, after
two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot putt and exclaims, "Shit!"
	His wife glances over at their sixteen year old daughter and says
nothing.
	On the fourth hole Dad tees off with an incredible hook, and, after
the inevitable exclamation, his wife reproves him with "Honey!"
	This continues on, with his golfing getting worse and his wife getting
more and more upset about his language.  Finally, on the 17th hole, he again
misses a very easy putt.  Flinging his club down, he curses the hole, the
club, and the sunset, using the word "fuck" for the first time.  His wife
whirls around and cries, "Honey!  Our daughter is standing right next to you!"
	Feeling remorseful, but somewhat defensive, he turns to the
daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't
you?"
	"Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger."
%
A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
%
A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time
talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping.  The trade
was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to
their respective houses.  After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of
the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and
said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?"
%
A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is
true to the very end of the end of a friend.
%
A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
		-- Thackeray
%
A performing octopus could play the piano, the zither and a piccolo, and his
trainer wanted him to add the bagpipe to his accomplishments.  With this in
mind, a bagpipe was placed in the octopus's room, and the trainer awaited
results.  Hours passed, but no bagpipe music was heard.  Since the talented
octopus usually learned quickly, the trainer was disturbed.  Opening the door
the next morning, he asked the octopus,
	"Have you learned to play that thing yet?"
	"Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all
night!"
%
A person who has both feet planted firmly
in the air can be safely called a liberal.
%
A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed
against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his
hands.  He's moaning something about how "They took my car!"  Seeing that
the man is well-dressed, the officer suspects that he may have a real case
of theft on his hands and attempts to question the man.
	"What happened to your car?"
	"My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards
stole it!  Please officer, get my Porsche back.  My God, it was right on
the end of my key!  Where is it?  They stole it and it was right here;
right on my key!"
	"OK, OK, stand up, we'll see what we can do.  You'll have to come
down to the stat...  Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing
yourself!"
	"Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!"
%
A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
%
A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
%
A programmer down in Moline
Said, I'm the match for any machine.
	My secret's aversion,
	To loops and recursion,
Just acres of in-line routine.
		-- W.J. Wilson
%
A progressive professor named Winners
Held classes each evening for sinners.
	They were graded and spaced
	So the vile and debased
Would not be held back by beginners.
%
A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?"
	The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a
Bishop."
	"Well, could you get any higher than that?"
	"I suppose that if my works are seen in a very good light that I
might be made an Archbishop."
	"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
	"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
	"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
	Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I supose that I could
be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
	"And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
up from being the Pope?"
	"What?!  I should be the Messiah himself?!"
	The rabbi leaned back and smiled.  "One of our boys made it."
%
A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
	The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
the hard way.  The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
field stones... did it the hard way.  That hardwood floor in the living
room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way.  The ceiling
beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
	Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in.  The farmer
looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
obviously and smiles.  "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
%
A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone
and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided
to visit the local pet shop.  The owner suggested a parrot, with which she
could conduct a civilized conversation.  This seemed to be an excellent
idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room,
and said, "Say 'Pretty boy.'"  Silence from the bird.  "Come on now, say
'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
	At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit."
	Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes
in the refrigerator."  Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on
its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: 'Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
	"Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot.
	Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it!  Ten minutes
in the freezer," and slammed the door on him.
	Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a
big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving.  Startled, he squawks, "My God,
you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
%
A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary.  From
his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
sewn, and is currently split down one side.  He asks the proprietor, "How much
to replace this, Ian?"  The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'l be four
pence."  Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?"  The prop. looks the
condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair."  The Scotsman ponders
for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."
	Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and
says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"
%
A Scotsman clad in kilts left a bar one evening fair.
One could tell by how he walked, he'd drunk more than his share.
He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet.
So he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.

Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by.
One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye.
"See yon sleeping Scotsman so young and handsome built?"
"I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilts?"

They stepped up to the Scotsman, so young and fancy free.
They lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see.
And there behold for them the view beneath his Scottish skirt,
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.

They marveled for a moment, then one said, "Best be gone."
"Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
As a gift they left a blue ribbon tied into a bow,
Around the bonny star of the Scot's kilt lifting show.

The Scot awoke to nature's call and stumbled to the trees.
Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he see's.
Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes,
"Och, lad I dinna know whar' ya been, but I see ya won first prize."
		-- Mike Cross, "The Scotsman"
%
A sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy,
all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer.  "Say,
Junior, what's goin' on?" asked the sheriff.
	"A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the
cliff, and I just finished buryin' 'em," explained the deputy.
	"Good work, boy," replied the sheriff.  "Pretty gory work -- were
all of 'em dead?"
	Junior nodded sadly and said, "Some of them said they weren't, but
you know how them Mex'cans lie."
%
A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the ultimate sex
act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to inquire about sizes and
styles of condoms.  The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity
for fun at the lad's expense.
	"Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking his hand.
The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small instrument grow in
her hand as she measured it.  When the weapon had unfurled to a rosy seven and
a half inches, the young man, unable to contain himself, had an orgasm with a
tremendous discharge.  After recovering, he asked the widow if she could now
give him the proper size.
	"I'll do more than that," she said.  "I'll give you free meals and a
half interest in the store."
%
A son takes his Italian immigrant father to his first baseball game.  It
happens that it's Old Timer's Day at Yankee stadium and all the baseball
greats are there.  The son escorts his father to box seats right on the
third base line and seats him with beer and a Yankees cap.
	The first batter up is Mickey Mantle.  On the second pitch he
swings that bat and CRACK!  The ball ricochets off the wall for a double.
The crowd goes crazy and the father stands up and yells, "Runna Mickey!
Runna Mickey!"
	The next batter up is Joe DiMaggio.  The pitcher, pitching him
carefully, works him to a 3-2 count and just misses the outside corner.
	"Ball four!" yells the umpire and Joe tosses his bat aside and begins
to walk to first base.
	The father yells out, "Runna Joe!  Runna Joe!"
	"No, no, Pop," corrects his son.  "He got four balls.  He walks."
	And the old man clenches his fist and says solemnly, "Walka proud
Joe.  Walka proud."
%
A stately-looking matron was walking through the Bronx Zoo, studying the
animals.  When she passed the porcupine enclosure she beckoned to a nearby
attendant.
	"Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper
pricks than those raised in Africa?"
	The attendant hesitated for a moment.  "Well, ma'am," he answered,
"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are
about the same."
%
A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at
the local saloon.  After a few drinks, he mentioned to the bartender that he
hadn't seen a single woman in the entire town.
	The bartender replied, "Nope.  Ain't no women in this town!"
	"No women? What do the men do for... er..."
	"Oh, for sex?  Did you see all those pigs in the street?  That's the
answer, right there."
	Shaking his head incredulously, the stranger settled back to his
drinking.  Within a short time, however, the liquor had convinced him that he
wanted to try out a pig himself.  He had watched several miners walk upstairs
to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms.  Now, he was
game to make his move.  He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose
a nice fat, pink sow.  As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went
quiet.  In the embarrassing hush, all eyes were upon him.
	"What's the matter?  I thought all you fellows did this!"
	"Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep.
%
A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
%
A sweet young schoolteacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go
for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired.  Under
a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and
with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter.  Sobbing
uncontrollably she asked her seducer,
	"How can I ever face my students again, knowing I have sinned twice?"
	"Twice?" asked the young man, confused.
	"Why, yes," said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye.
"You're going to do it again, aren't you?"
%
A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the
greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple."
	Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand.
	"Yes, Tony?"
	"Christopher Columbus!" says Tony.
	"Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man,
but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived."
	From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand.
	"Yes, Bernie?"
	"Jesus Christ", says Bernie.
	"That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher.  "And here is
your apple."
	When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize,
the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised
that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived."
	"Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge,
but business is business."
%
A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa.
%
A trapper named Francois Lefebrve
Once captured and buggered a beabrve.
	The result of this fuck
	Was a three titted duck,
A canoe, and an Irish retriebrve.
%
A traveling circus was performing in a small town, around the turn of the
century, when many of the circus animals were still considered to be very
rare and exotic.  One night one of the elephants escaped.  It was hungry
and found a garden in a little old lady's backyard.  The woman, who had
never before seen an elephant, was hysterical and called the police.

Little Old Lady:  "There's a *huge* monster in my garden!
Police:	"Calm down, ma'am, everything will be all right.  Now exactly what
	does it look like?"
LOL:	"It's a dark color and it's tremendous!  It's pulling up my
	vegetables with its tail!"
Police:	"With its tail?  Then what's it doing?"
LOL:	"You wouldn't believe me if I told you!"
%
A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
%
A virgin is chaste.
%
A virginal is a harpsichord that has never been plucked.
%
A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty
comes most easily to those who have no taste for it.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
		-- Addison
%
A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
*for the rest of your life*.
		-- Jim Samuels
%
A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were, expressed
this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying: "Coitus is merely an
unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!"
		-- Sigmund Freud, attempting to explain why
		masturbation is "by no means harmless"
%
A woman can never be too rich or too thin.
%
A woman employs sincerity only when every other form of deception has failed.
		-- Scott
%
A woman forgives the audacity of which
her beauty has prompted us to be guilty.
		-- LeSage
%
A woman had a followup visit with her doctor after his prescribing fairly high
dosages of testosterone (a male hormone) for her.  She was a little worried
about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
	"Doctor Keyes, the hormones you've been giving me have helped a lot
with my menopausal symptoms, but I'm really afraid that you're giving me too
much.  I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before!"
	The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
side effect of testosterone.  Just where has this hair appeared?"
	"On my balls."
%
A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life to be
thankful for a good one.
		-- Marjorie Kinnan Rawlings
%
A woman is driving down the street, her ten-year-old daughter belted into
the passenger seat.  The daughter asks "Mommy, how old are you?"
	The mother says "That's a personal question. It's not nice to ask
people personal questions."
	The daughter thinks a while, then asks "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
	The mother replies "That's a personal question too.  I'm not going
to tell you."
	Chastised, the daughter asks no more questions.  The mother parks the
car. "I'm going to see Mrs. Tristan for a couple of minutes.  You stay here in
the car and watch my purse."
	After the mother leaves, the daughter removes her mother's driver's
license from the purse, studies it for a few minutes and replaces it.  When
her mother returns they drive off.  The little girl comments:
	"Mommy, I know how old you are.  You're 32."
	"That's right!  How did you know?"
	"And you weigh 119 pounds."
	"Did you look in my purse?"
	"And I know why you and Daddy divorced."
	"You *do*?"
	"Yes," said the daughter. "Because you flunked sex!"
%
A woman is like a dresser... some man always goin' through her drawers.
		-- Blind Lemon Pledge
%
A woman is like your shadow; follow her,
she flies; fly from her, she follows.
		-- Chamfort
%
A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive
little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid.
		-- Adolf Hitler
%
A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.
It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.
		-- Karl Kraus, "Die Fackel"
%
A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
		-- Stendhal
%
A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.
		-- Herodotus
%
A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social
pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate
woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without
love, without virtue, without sex.
		-- Balzac
%
A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.
		-- Pancho Villa
%
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
		-- Gloria Steinem
%
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
%
A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long
as he can.
		-- Moms Mabley
%
A young boy is told by his puritanical father than he should never have
sex with a woman, because a woman has teeth in her vagina and will bite
off his penis.
	The years go by, and the boy finally marries.  After a rather
uninspiring honeymoon his wife finally confronts him and demands that he
tell her why he won't make love to her.
	"Well, honey," he replies.  "You have... teeth... down there."
	"What!?" she replies unbelievingly.  "No I don't!  Honest, darling,
come here and look for yourself."
	The man rather hesitantly examines her very thoroughly.
	"There!" his wife says triumphantly.  "Now do you believe me?"
	"Yes," replied her husband.  "And your gums are in *terrible*
condition."
%
A young lady friend of mine just swallowed a razor blade...
She performed a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy,
three circumcisions, and cut off the finger of a casual friend.
%
A young man walks into a bus station, and goes into the men's room to relieve
himself.  When he steps in he sees a leprechaun with the most enormous penis
he has ever seen.  As he urinates, he cannot avoid spying on the giant member
of the tiny man dressed in green.  The leprechaun zips up and the man asks him
if he is indeed a real leprechaun.
	The little man says, "Aye, me laddie, I'm a leprechaun, and I can
grant you three wishes."
	"Oh, wow!" comes the reply, "What do I need to do?"
	"Well, havin' such a large cock makes it a bit awkward with the
ladies, the thing not fittin' and all...  I'll grant you your three wishes
if you wouldn't mind suckin' me dick 'til I come."  The man is a bit taken
aback, but agrees, realizing that the three wishes will be priceless.  After
the tiny fellow has come, he starts to walk away.
	The man exclaims, "Hey, what about my three wishes?"
	Replies the leprechaun, "How old are you, me boy?"
	"25."
	"Aren't you a wee bit old to be believin' in leprechauns?"
%
A young New York housewife was shocked by some of the language used by her
daughter.  When asked about it, the daughter said she had learned it from
a small girl she played with in the park.  The next day, the mother sought
out the little girl as she played in the park.  "Are you the little girl
who uses bad words?"
	"Who told you?"
	"A little bird," answered the mother.
	"Well, I like that!" exclaimed the small girl.  "And I've been
feeding the little bastards, too!"
%
A young woman was afflicted with three brothers who had a friendly competition
as to who was the best practical joker.  When she announced her marriage,
like all good brothers, they immediately found out where the honeymoon would
be and repaired there to do their worst, er, best.  The brother who was a
carpenter went first, and came back out in five minutes.  The brother who
worked as a plumber went second and was out in about half an hour.  Finally,
the brother employed as a dentist went inside and came out almost immediately.
A few days after the start of their sister's honeymoon the brothers each
received a telegram from their sister.  It read:

	I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it.  I was amused
	when the shower went cold five minutes after it started.  But I'm
	going to kill whoever put the novicaine into the KY jelly...
%
A.A.A.A.A.: An organization for drunks who drive.
%
Aboard the good ship Venus,		The cabin boy, the captain's joy,
The mast it was a penis,		A cunning little nipper,
	Her figurehead				They filled his ass,
	A whore in bed,				With broken glass,
Good grief you should have seen us!	And circumcised the skipper.

The first mate's name was Higgins,	The captain's daughter Mabel,
And Higgins was a biggins,		They screwed when they were able,
	Once round the deck,			They nailed her tits,
	Twice up the mast,			Those nasty shits,
And the rest was used for riggins'!	Right to the captain's table.

The engineer's name was Carter,		The second mate's name was Andy,
And Carter was a farter,		By God, he was a dandy,
	When the wind wouldn't blow,		They broke his cock,
	And the ship couldn't go,		With chunks of rock,
Carter the farter would start her!	For conking in the brandy!
%
AC/DC is a rock band.
                -- Bisexuality, 101
%
Achilles' Biological Findings:
	(1)  If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.
	     If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
	(2)  A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
	     -- the chicken or the egg.  It was undoubtedly the rooster.
%
Adam's Law:
	(1)  Women don't know what they want;
	     they don't like what they have got.
	(2)  Men know very well what they want;
	     having got it, they begin to lose interest.
%
Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex,
and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it...
%
Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages --
such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of seven inches.
%
ADULTERY:
	Putting yourself in someone else's position.
%
Advertising is the most fun of anything you can do with your clothes on.
		-- Mary Wells, advertising executive
%
After a few steamy dances and a few more drinks, the pickup couple
are back at his place tearing their clothes off.  Things are really
starting to heat up when he leaps out of bed and starts frantically
rummaging through a dresser drawer.
	"What are you doing?" she asks.
	"Just a second, honey, I'm trying to find my lucky rubber."
%
After an evening at the theatre and several nightcaps at an intimate little
bistro, the young man whispered to his date, "How do you feel about making
love to men?"
	"That's MY business," she snapped.
	"Ah," he said.  "A professional."
%
After cocktails in the Oak Room, the graying millionaire took the blond,
attractive, wholesome, winning young woman up to his suite.  They chatted
for a while, and then kissed on the couch.  A little fondling, some feeling
and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they
were in the wide, cool bed, naked together.  They chatted more, established
a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying.  The
girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good.
	"Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good.  Why, she could
be my own daughter."  He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes.
	"Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl
like you doing in a hotel like this?"
	"Oh, about $2000 a week, with tips."
%
After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
%
After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested
in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically.  In desperation, Joan
hauled him to a marriage counselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints
and Max's protestations.  Max claimed that he was being nagged unmercifully
to fulfill Joan's needs, and that after awhile every marriage tended to
become less physical.  Joan said that that wasn't true and that she had
needs and desires that he, as her husband, was expected to fulfill.  Finally,
the counselor issued the verdict. "Max," he said, "Everybody has to give a
little for a marriage to work.  From now on, no matter how you feel at the
time, you must give Joan her conjugal rights at least semi-annually.  And,
remember, do it in a loving, considerate manner; after all, you and your
wife are a partnership of love."  Joan was delighted, and floated out of the
counselor's offices.  On the way downstairs, she nudged Max.
	"So, honey, tell me... how many times a week is semi-annually?"
%
After making a daring escape from the penitentiary, the convict eluded
bloodhounds and police roadblocks and dodged helicopter searchlights on
his way to see his wife.  Finally sneaking in the back entrance, he knocked
on the door and smiled triumphantly as she opened it.  "Where the hell have
you been?" she blared.  "You busted out more than six hours ago!"
%
After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the evening,
the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See here," she shouted
indignantly.  "This is positively the last time I'm going to tell you `no'."
	"Splendid!" exclaimed her date.  "Now we can start making some
progress."
%
After rushing into a drugstore, the nervous young man was obviously
embarrassed when a prim thirty-ish woman asked if she could serve him.
	"N-no," he stammered, "I'd like to see the druggist."
	"I'm the druggist", she replied cheerfully.
	"Oh.. well, uh, it's nothing important," he said, and turned to leave.
	"Young man," said the woman, "my sister and I have been running this
drugstore for nearly ten years.  There is nothing you can tell us that will
embarrass us.
	"Well, all right," he said.  "I have this awful sexual hunger that
nothing will appease.  No matter how many times I make love, I still want to
make love again and again.  Is there anything you can give me for it?"
	"Just a moment," said the woman, "I'll have to discuss this with my
sister."
	A few minutes later, she returned.  "The best we can do," she said,
"is room and board and a half-interest in the business."
%
After spending a forbidden night on the town, two young nuns were trying
to sneak through the fence surrounding their Convent.
	"You know," giggled one as she held the wire apart for the other
to crawl through, "I feel like a Marine."
	"So do I," the other nun sighed, "but where are we going to
find one at three in the morning?"
%
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that
brought tears to my eyes.  He said, "No hablo ingles."
		-- Ronnie Shakes
%
After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
		-- Joan Rivers
%
Ah spring, when a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over.
%
AI hackers do it robotically.
%
AI hackers do it with robots.
%
Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job.
		-- Bobcat Goldthwait
%
Alaska, where Moosehead isn't a beer, it's a misdemeanor.

Q:	You know how to figure out if your lover's been "invovlved"?
A:	Antler marks on their hips.
%
Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate,
the third is routine.  After that you just take the girl's clothes off.
		-- Raymond Chandler
%
Alcoholics Anonymous is when you get to drink under someone else's name.
%
Alex came home from a business trip to Chicago and found no one home but his
daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly.
	"What's the matter, darling?" asked Alex.
	"Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose.
	"That's nonsense," said the father.  "Why do you say that?"
	"Well," said Rose,"you always told us that when we die we'll see God;
so when I heard Mommy moaning last night I rushed to her bedroom and she was
screaming, "Oh God, here I come," and she would have but Uncle Jerry held her
down."
%
"Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm".  Maybe this explains
the popularity of this field of study in computer science.
%
alimony, n:
	Having an ex you can bank on.
%
All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ,
a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm place to shift.
%
All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell
them apart.
%
All I really want in life is a piece and some quiet.
%
All I want is a girl made of wood,
With fine-grained hair and carven knee.
She wouldn't drink and wouldn't smoke,
Oh, wooden tit be loverly?
		-- Pinocchio
%
All jobs should be open to everybody, unless they actually require a
penis or a vagina.
		-- Florynce Kennedy

There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis
or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
		-- Gloria Steinem
%
All religions issue Bibles against Satan, and say the most
injurious things against him, but we never hear his side.
		-- Mark Twain
%
All the girls in France, do a hookie-kookie dance,
And you know the way they shake, is enough to fry a snake,
And the snake they fry, is enough to tell a lie,
And the lie they tell, is enough to go to
Hello, operator, give me number nine,
If you disconnect me, I'll kick you in the
Behind the 'frigerator, there was a piece of glass,
If you do not pick it up, I'll kick you in the
Ask me no more questions, tell me no more lies,
This is what Lulu told me, just before she died.
She had a little brother, she named him Tiny Tim,
She put him in the potty, to see if he could swim.
He swam down to the bottom, he swam up to the top,
Lulu got disgusted, and flushed him down the pot.
		-- Princess
%
All things dull and ugly,		Each little snake that poisons,
All creatures short and squat,		Each little wasp that stings,
All things rude and nasty,		He made their brutish venom,
The Lord God made the lot;		He made their horrid wings.

All things sick and cancerous,		Each nasty little hornet,
All evil great and small,		Each beastly little squid.
All things foul and dangerous,		Who made the spikey urchin?
The Lord God made them all.		Who made the sharks? He did.

All things scabbed and ulcerous,
All pox both great and small.
Putrid, foul and gangrenous,
The Lord God made them all.
		-- Monty Python
%
All this big deal about white collar crime -- what's WRONG with white collar
crime?  Who enjoys his job today?  You?  Me?  Anybody?  The only satisfying
part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time.  Years ago
there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more
important jobs to come.  Once you can be sold the myth that you may make
president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps.  But nobody
believes he's going to be president anymore.  The more people change jobs
the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for
a living and total stupefying boredom.  So why NOT take revenge?  You're not
going to find ME knocking a guy because he pads an expense account and his
home stationery carries the company emblem.  Take away crime from the white
collar worker and you will rob him of his last vestige of job interest.
		-- J. Feiffer
%
All work and no pay makes a housewife.
%
Already the spirit of our schooling is permeated with the feeling that every
subject, every topic, every fact, every professed truth must be submitted
to a certain publicity and impartiality.  All proffered samples of learning
must go to the same assay-room and be subjected to common tests.  It is the
essence of all dogmatic faiths to hold that any such "show-down" is
sacrilegious and perverse.  The characteristic of religion, from their point
of view, is that it is intellectually secret, not public; peculiarly revealed,
not generall known; authoritatively declared, not communicated and tested
in ordinary ways...It is pertinent to point out that, as long as religion
is conceived as it is now by the great majority of professed religionists,
there is something self-contradictory in speaking of education in religion
in the same sense in which we speak of education in topics where the method
of free inquiry has made its way.  The "religious" would be the last to be
willing that either the history of the content of religion should be taught
in this spirit; while those to whom the scientific standpoint is not merely
a technical device, but is the embodiment of the integrity of mind, must
protest against its being taught in any other spirit.
		-- John Dewey, "Democracy in the Schools", 1908
%
Although a fifth-generation American, Father Sweeny was more Irish than most
of Erin's natives.  He spoke with an Irish brogue which had mysteriously
appeared during his nineteenth year and he *hated* the English.  Due to his
proclivity to belabor the British from his pulpit, complaints to his
superiors were not infrequent.  He would blame anything evil or merely
inconvenient on the English people.  If there was an act of terrorism, the
responsibility was promptly laid at the feet of the Brits.  If there was a
natural disaster, undoubtedly the English government was an accessory to
the fact, if not outrightly culpable.  Repeatedly, his superiors called him
on the carpet for his behavior.  After a particularly vituperative
anti-British broadside, the Bishop instructed Father Sweeny to come straight
to his office; do not pass GO; do not collect two hundred dollars.  Summing
up a humiliating and soul-marking reprimand, the Bishop ended with: "Next
week is Saint Patrick's Day.  If you so much as *mention* the British, it's
your last sermon!"

The following Sunday, as Father Sweeny spoke lovingly and eloquently of
Saint Patrick, and he made a reference to the last Passover celebrated by
Christ and His disciples.  "Sure, an' you're all familiar with the tale.
You know that Our Lord sat at the table and told his disciples that one
among them would betray Him.  As He looked around the table, He stopped at
Peter, the Rock, who said, `Not I, Lord!'  He looked at Thomas, who doubted,
and Thomas said, `I could never do such a thing!'  Then the Lord looked long
and hard at Judas Iscariot, who said, `Cor, bloimy, Guv'na, you couldn't
main may!'"
%
Always talk to your wife while you're
making love... if there's a phone handy.
%
ambition, n:
	An ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on his mind.
%
America ... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesman
with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing
anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign
		Trail"
%
America cannot be sold a can of beer without
being offered a piece of pussy along with it.
		-- Julius Lester
%
America, I'm putting my queer shoulder to the wheel.
		-- Allen Ginsberg
%
American culture is based on the automobile, and any young man of promise
is going to own one and want to travel great distances in it.  Consequently,
any young woman of aspiration should expect to spend most of her vacations
in a car, probing into unfamiliar corners.  She is not required to know how
to drive but she will certainly be expected to read the road map while her
husband drives, and if she can't, or if she's abnormally slow in giving him
help, she's bound to cause trouble.  Therefore, you'd think that colleges
which train the bright young women who're going to marry the bright young
men who are going to own the Cadillacs that roar back and forth across this
continent would teach the girls to read maps.  None do. They teach a hundred
other useless things, but never a word about the one that will cause the
greatest friction.
		-- James Michener, "Space"
%
America's two greatest inventions are finger-fucking and carpet-bombing.
		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
%
An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches.
%
An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about
the happiness of life.
	"To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful
dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night
Football," the American said.
	"You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected, "Sharing
a beautiful evening with my lover, walking along the Seine river, and having a
romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower.  That is happiness of life."
	"You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese laughed, "then you
two still don't understand life at all.  Imagine this.  You are sleeping
soundly at night in Saigon.  Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front
door.  You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'.  Quaking
with fear, you rush out and open the door.  Right there, you see two secret
policemen ready to handcuff you.  One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van
Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities.  You are
being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!'  Sweating profusely and
shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh
lives next door.'  That moment is happiness in life, my friends.
%
An American businessman in London was given special visitor's privileges at an
exclusive men's club.  Striding in one afternoon, the American approached the
only other man in the lounge and tried to strike up a conversation.  "Care
for a cigar?" he asked.
	"No, thank you," the Englishman replied.  "I tried smoking once and
didn't like it."
	"Would you care to join me in the bar for a drink, then?" the
businessman asked.
	"No, thank you.  I tried drinking once and it didn't agree with me."
	"Well, how about a game of billiards?"
	"Sorry.  I tried it once and couldn't seem to get the hang of it."
	As the American started to turn away, the Englishman said, "But my
son will be here shortly, and I'm sure he would enjoy a game with you."
	"Your son?  An only child, I presume."
%
An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife
dies of a heart attack.  The husband decides to have her buried there as the
visit to France was something they had longed for for many years.  All
arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black
hat for the funeral.  The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a
"chapeau noir."  So off he goes to find a store open late.
	First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur,
ou pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?"
	The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our
friend directions.  The store -- if that is what it is -- looks a little seedy
and run down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our
hero.  He speaks first:
	"M'sieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir."
	"Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des
capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires.  Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un
capeau noir?"
	"Ma femme est morte."
	"O Monsieur!  Quelle beau sentiment!"
%
An American walks into an Irish pub around lunchtime, and finds the place
is completely filled and there are no chairs available, with the exception
of one -- seating a Chihuahua next to a woman.  He very politely asks her
if she would mind placing her dog on the floor for a few minutes while he
got a quick bite to eat.
	"I most certainly would!", the woman haughtily replies.  "Little
Fifi *always* sits next to me at lunchtime and there she will stay!"
	Whereupon, the American picks up the Chihuahua, throws it out of
an open window and takes the seat.
	An Irishman, watching the whole encounter, walks over, taps the
American on the shoulder and says, "Mate, I guess I never will understand
you Americans.  You drink your beer cold, drive on the right side of the
street, and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window!"
%
An angst-ridden amorist, Fred,
Saw sartorial changes ahead.
	His mind kept on ringing
	With fishy girls singing;
Soft fruit also filled him with dread.
		-- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock"
%
An Army travels on her stomach.
%
An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized
logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt.  Note that the anarchists have
been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization.
		-- Encyclopadia Apocryphia
%
An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed the Managing Director's
chance to kiss the tea-girl.  It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the
Managing Director (however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone
who has seen the Managing Director face on).
		-- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout"
%
And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve?  The judgement of God
upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of
criminal at the bar of justice.
		-- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer
%
...And have you ever noticed that you never see the Father, the Son, and
the Holy Ghost partying together at the same time?  Oh, sure, everybody
talks like they aren't the same person, but I wonder...
%
And having stretched me out upon his bed with my head a little to one side,
he sat down next to me and raised my head upon his lap.  He peered avidly at
me, his eyes seemed ready to devour the secretion oozing from my nose.  "Oh,
the pretty little snotface," said he, beginning to pant, "How I'm going to
suck her."  Therewith bending down over me, and taking my nose in his mouth,
not only did he devour all the mucus between my nose and mouth, but he even
lewdly darted the tip of his tongue into each of my nostrils, one after the
other, and with such cleverness he provoked two or three sneezes which
redoubled the flow he desired and was consuming so hungrily.  But ask me for
no details bearing upon this fellow, Messieurs, nothing appeared, and whether
because he did nothing, or because he did it all in his drawers, there was
nothing to be seen, and amidst the multitude of his kisses and lecherous
lickings there was nothing outstanding which might have denoted an ecstasy,
and consequently it is my opinion that he did not discharge.  All my clothes
were in place, even his hands stayed still, and I give you my word that this
old libertine's fantasy might be performed upon the world's most respectable
and least initiated girl without her being able to suppose there was anything
lewd in it at all.
		-- Marquis de Sade
%
And let me the canakin clink, clink;
and let me the canakin clink.
	A soldier's a man;
	O, man's life's but a span,
Why then, let a soldier drink.
%
And now, the Bing Crosby show, brought to you by the makers of Ex-Lax.
... a brief pause, and then Bing!
%
And on the third day, Christ arose, pushed aside the rock that had served
as the tomb door, and walked again on the earth.
	And as he departed, a passer-by pointed at the door Jesus had left
open.  "What's the matter with you?" he said. "Born in a barn?"
%
And prively he caughte hire by the queynte,
And heeld hire harde by the haunche-bones.
		--Geoffrey Chaucer, The Miller's Tale
%
And so it goes.  It is humiliating, when you should know better, to become
victim of the timeless story of the little brown dog running across the
freight yard, crossing all the railroad tracks until a switch engine nipped
off the end of his tail between wheel and rail.  The little dog yelped, and
he spun so quickly to check himself out that the next wheel chopped through
his little brown neck.  The moral is, of course, never lose your head over
a piece of tail.
		-- John D. MacDonald, "The Scarlet Ruse"
%
And the northern lights commenced to glow.
And she said, with a tear in her eye,
"Watch out where the huskies go, and don't you eat that yellow snow."
		-- Frank Zappa, "The Story of Nanook and the Fur Trapper"
%
And then there was the lawyer that stepped in cow manure and thought
he was melting...
%
"And what do you two think you are doing?!" roared the husband, as he came
upon his wife in bed with another man.  The wife turned and smiled at her
companion.
	"See?" she said.  "I told you he was stupid!"
%
Another greeting card category consists of those persons who send out
photographs of their families every year.  In the same mail that brought the
greetings from Marcia and Philip, my friend found such a conversation piece.
"My God, Lida is enormous!" she exclaimed.  I don't know why women want to
record each year, for two or three hundred people to see, the ravages wrought
upon them, their mates, and their progeny by the artillery of time, but
between five and seven per cent of Christmas cards, at a rough estimate, are
family groups, and even the most charitable recipient studies them for little
signs of dissolution or derangement.  Nothing cheers a woman more, I am afraid,
than the proof that another woman is letting herself go, or has lost control
of her figure, or is clearly driving her husband crazy, or is obviously
drinking more than is good for her, or still doesn't know what to wear.
Middle-aged husbands in such photographs are often described as looking
"young enough to be her son," but they don't always escape so easily, and a
couple opening envelopes in the season of mercy and good will sometimes handle
a male friend or acquaintance rather sharply.  "Good Lord!" the wife will say.
"Frank looks like a sex-crazed shotgun slayer, doesn't he?"  "Not to me," the
husband may reply.  "to me he looks more like a Wilkes-Barre dentist who is
being sought by the police in connection with the disappearance of a choir
singer."
		-- James Thurber, "Merry Christmas"
%
Another nun joke!!!
	You see, three nuns were walking down the street, when suddenly
this flasher jumped out in front of them and opened his trench coat,
exposing his all to the sisters.  Well, two of the nuns had strokes right
there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it.
%
Another stupid gay joke!!!
	You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry
daiquiri.  The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't
serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come
in and kick your ass?"
	The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo
thurstay...."
	Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer
on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon
as he's done.  A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the
bar.  He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could
lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!"
	From the back of the bar comes the cry...  "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!"
%
anxiety, n:
	The first time you can't do it a second time.

panic, n:
	The second time you can't do it the first time.
%
Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is through
his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high.
%
Any woman is a volume if one knows how to read her.
%
Anything more than three shakes is for fun.
%
APL hackers take all they want.
%
Apple owners do it with mice!
%
APPOINTMENT BOOK:
	The reference of last resort when trying to duck undesired
	invitations ("Gee, the soonest I can pencil you in is
	December, 2004"), or when trying to figure out what the hell
	it was you did during the past year.
%
Are there those in the land of the brave
Who can tell me how I should behave
	When I am disgraced
	Because I erased
	A file I intended to save?
%
ARIES (Mar. 21 to Apr. 19)
	Be cheerful today. People who don't like you will outnumber those
	who do.  You have warts.  Focus on domestic status, financial matters,
	and venereal disease.  Look for involvement with Libra or Aquarius
	natives; probably a fistfight with one of each.
%
Arkansas:
	Where the men are men, so are the women and the sheep run scared.
%
As fathers commonly go, it is seldom a misfortune to be fatherless;
and considering the general run of sons, as seldom a misfortune to
be childless.

The only solid and lasting peace between a man and his wife is,
doubtless, a separation.
		-- Lord Chesterfield, letter to his son, 1763
%
As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that
sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out?  Even if it
was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed.
%
As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me.
%
As my dear autie used to say, "Love makes the world go 'round, but sex
makes the ride fun."
%
As near as I can tell, you're not any crazier
than the average asshole on the street.
		-- R.P. McMurphy, "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest"
%
As part of an equal opportunity project, a memo was sent to all the offices
within External Affairs asking for "A list of all employees broken down by
sex."
	One of the memos was returned with the notation: "I'm sorry: we
know of nobody in this office who fits your criteria.  We do, however,
have two alcoholics."
%
As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept
saying "Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with
one of his patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard,
you're a veterinarian."
%
As the Catholic church becomes more and more tolerant, some day they will
have to consider the possibility of a gay pope.  Possibly the largest
issue will be having to decide whether he is "absolutely divine" or "just
simply marvelous."
%
As the recent sightings of bumper stickers reading "IN CASE OF RAPTURE, THIS
VEHICLE WILL BE UNMANNED" have created a great deal of confusion, Fortune
offers the following excerpts from the 1989 printing of the State of Maryland
Driver's Handbook:
	If you notice a glorious light in the sky, a sound as of an infinite
choir of unearthly voices, and a host of winged beings descending from the
heavens, do not panic.  If you are on the freeway, move to the shoulder as
soon as it is safe to do so, activate your hazard blinkers, and wait for the
end of the world.  If you are Saved, it is especially important that you do
this BEFORE you are carried to your Eternal Reward, in order that your vehicle
not become a hazard to others.  Remember, Rapture is the number one cause of
automobile accidents during major spiritual upheavals.  You may experience a
feeling of discorporation ("being pulled from one's body") while driving.  To
ensure the safety of your passengers and other drivers, move to the shoulder
as soon as you notice any of the following symptoms:
	-- An overwhelming sense of peace and happiness.
	-- Visions of the faces of deceased family members.
	-- A glorious figure in white, beckoning from the end of a tunnel of
white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintenance officers,
who wear dark blue and safety orange.)
	Once the feeling has passed, inspect your surroundings.  If still in
your car, you have probably suffered a stroke and should have someone drive
you to a hospital at once.  If you find yourself in the Kingdom of God, consult
the local officials for information on local traffic rules and regulations.
%
As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two
figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road.  The driver blew
his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking,
oblivious to his warnings.  The truck finally slid to a halt barely three
inches from the pair.  "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them.  "You
could have been killed!"
	The man stood up and faced the driver.  "Well, I was coming, she was
coming and you were coming," he panted, "and you were the only one with
brakes."
%
As they say about Dungeons and Dragons, "Life's a die, and then you bitch."
%
Ask your boss to reconsider --
It's so difficult to take "Go to hell" for an answer.
%
Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it,
she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds."
		-- David Letterman
%
ASS:
	The masculine of "lass".
%
Ass, grass or gas... nobody rides for free!
%
Assassins do it from behind.
%
At her annual checkup, the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that
it's necessary to take her temperature rectally.  She agrees and bends over
the examining table, but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's
NOT my rectum!"
	"Madam," says the doctor, "that's not my thermometer!"
	Just then, the woman's husband, hearing her voice, comes into the
room.  "Just what the hell is going on here?" he demands.
	"I'm taking your wife's temperature," the doctor cooly replies.
	"Okay, doc, you know best," says the husband as he picks a scalpel
off the doctor's desk, "but when that thing comes out, it better have
numbers on it!"
%
At last, the first Soviet, artificially intelligent computer had been produced.
The engineers did not get it, nor the physicists.  First things first: it went
to the institute of Marxism-Leninism.

"IS IT POSSIBLE TO BUILD SOCIALISM IN SWITZERLAND?" typed in one of the
	theologians.
"YES," replied the computer.  "BUT IT WOULD BE SUCH A PITY TO DESTROY
	SUCH A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY."
%
At twenty-six, Kate, though not promiscuous, had slept with most of the
decent men in public life.
		-- Renata Adler
%
Attractive bisexual young woman seeks same for high mellow times.
%
Australia's a lovely land
It's full of bonza blokes,
Sheilas, beer and no-one's queer
Except in Pommie jokes.

Australians are lovely chaps
They're God's own chosen race.
If they ever see a fairy Pom
They'll smash him in the face.

Australians like dressing up
In skirts and having fun
And that's all we were doing
When the Vice Squad came along.
		-- Monty Python
%
A-Z affectionately,
1 to 10 alphabetically,
from here to eternity without in betweens,
still looking for a custom fit in an off-the-rack world,
sales talk from sales assistants
	when all i want to do is lower your resistance,
no rhythm in cymbals no tempo in drums,
love's on arrival,
she comes when she comes,
right on the target but wide of the mark...
%
B4 I4Q, RU/18 QT 3.14
%
Bachelors' wives and old maids' children are always perfect.
		-- Nicolas Chamfort
%
Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day:  a true red-
blooded born and bred Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.  The city-slicker
kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll
give you $10 for a blow job."
	The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and
killed the city-slicker on the spot.  The lady gasped and said, "Thank
you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"
	Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell!
No tenderfoot is gonna come 'round here raisin' the price of women in Texas!"
%
Balls Law:
	The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat
	of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant.
%
BALTIMORE:
	Where the women wear turtleneck
	sweaters to hide their flea collars.
%
Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
%
Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed.
Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed.
Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
Unless you get a good percentage of her price.
		-- Tom Lehrer
%
BEAT ME, BITE ME, WHIP ME, FUCK ME!!!
%
Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks!
%
Beauty, n:
	The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Beauty seldom recommends one woman to another.
%
Because woman's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or
repetitious and we're the first to get the sack and what we look like is
more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we
get bashed we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging
bitches and if we enjoy sex nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we
love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor
too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect community
care for children we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're
aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and
if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're
unnatural and because we still can't get an adequate safe contraceptive but
men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're
made to feel guilty about abortion and... for lots and lots of other reasons
we are part of the women's liberation movement.
%
Bedfellows make strange politicians.
%
beef stroganoff, n:
	A bull masturbating.
%
"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, "I want to
confess some affairs that I've had in the past."
	"But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man
replied.
	"Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago."
%
Beifeld's Principle:
	The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive
	young female increases by pyramidical progression when he
	is already in the company of (1) a date, (2) his wife, (3) a
	better-looking and richer male friend.
		-- R. Beifeld
%
Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals.
To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
%
Bend over and take it like a man!
%
Beneath this stone a virgin lies,
For her life held no terrors.
A virgin born, a virgin died:
No hits, no runs, no errors.
%
Beneath this stone lies Murphy,
They buried him today,
He lived the life of Riley,
While Riley was away.
%
Benny Hill:	Would you like a peanut?
Girl:		No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation.
Benny Hill:	You won't be under obligation for a peanut.
		It's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something.
%
Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda.
%
BETTER LATE THAN NEVER:
	The single girl's motto.
%
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
		-- Mae West
%
Beware of a tall dark man with a spoon up his nose.
%
Bi now, gay later!
%
Big Toe: The pad of the male big toe applied to the clitoris or the vulva
generally is a magnificent erotic instrument.  The famous gentleman in erotic
prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands,
and both big toes.  Use the toe in mammary or armpit intercourse or any time
you are astride her, or sit facing as she lies or sits.  Make sure the nail
isn't sharp.  In a restaurant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously
remove a shoe and sock, reach over, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm
with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact--
A party trick which really rates as advanced sex.  She has less scope, but
can learn to masturbate him with her two big toes.  The toes are definitely
erogenic areas, and can be kissed, sucked, tickled, or tied with stimulating
results.
		-- The Joy of Sex
		[Avoid armpit intercourse when razor stubble is present. Ed.]
%
Bill and Jim were walking home from work.  As they walked along, they
discussed their wives' spending habits.  "I don't understand how women
can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed.  "I mean, understand, she
don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!"
%
Birth, copulation and death.
That's all the facts when you come to brass tacks;
Birth, copulation and death.
		-- T.S. Elliot, "Sweeney Agonistes"
%
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Bitch, bitch, bitch --
That's all I ever hear,
Ever since the dog ate the baby,
"Get rida the dog, get rida the dog."
%
Blow it out your ass!
%
Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in plain
sight.  It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again.  The legend has it that St.
Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.  In fact, he was arrested for drunk
driving.  The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them.
%
BOHICA:
	Bend over, here it comes again.
%
Bondage, or as the French call it, ligottage, is the gentle art of tying up
your sex partner --- not to overcome reluctance but to boost orgasm.  It's
one unscheduled sex technique which a lot of people find extremely exciting
but are scared to try, and a venerable human resource for increasing sexual
feeling, partly because it's a harmless expression of sexual aggression --
something we badly need, our culture being very uptight about it -- and more
because of its physical affects: slow orgasm when unable to move is a
mind-blowing experience for anyone not too frightened of their own aggressive
self to try it.
		-- The Joy of Sex
%
Bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
Census Taker".  It's about a guy who comes once every ten years.
%
Brain on vacation, penis on autopilot.
%
Breakfast sometime?
	Sure.
Shall I call you or just nudge you?
%
Bridget O'Flaherty McHugh
Held venal traffic with a gnu.
Mistaking fore for aft one morn
Impaled herself upon its horn.

Moral:	Those who seek high ends should shun
	our furred and feathered friends.
%
Brigands will demand your money or
your life, but a woman will demand both.
		-- Samuel Butler
%
Bringing your mate to a convention is like taking a game warden hunting.
%
Britain has lowered the tax on chastity belts by about 60 cents each...
[reclassifying them] as a safety device rather than... clothing
		-- NY Times
%
Brother Jim's recent appearance on the William and Mary campus this past
week was cut short by an ingenious device designed by two computer science
students.  A three-foot bar of extruded aluminum was precisely machined,
with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of
the small Gideon bibles.  The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected
to provide up to 2,000 PSIG.  Prelimary estimates during field testing
revealed a muzzle velocity of approximately 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting
the tube.  Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to
campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on
Brother Jim, who suffered a broken rib and numerous small bruises, in
addition to the usual humiliation.
%
brunette bush, n:
	The dark side of the moon.
%
bug, n:
	A son of a glitch.
%
Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee
Ingenuity did exactly that.  But their true stroke of genius was the new bait.
The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about
cheese, except mice.  But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with
tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped.
		-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
%
"But if it's 80% glucose, then why does it taste salty?"
		-- Anonymous med school student.
%
But they'll never mechanize me -- not me!
Said Charlotte, the Louisville harlot.
		-- S.I. Hayakawa
%
But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
		-- Virginia Masters, of Master & Johnson
%
Buy old masters.  They fetch better prices than old mistresses.
		-- Lord Beaverbrook
%
By all means marry: If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
		-- Socrates
%
CAD:
	A man who doesn't tell his wife
	that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
%
CALIFORNIA:
	From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or
	Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual intercourse" or
	"fornication." Hence:  Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
		-- Ed Moran, Covina, California
%
Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus...
%
callgirl, n:
	A negotiable blond.
%
Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
		-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
%
Camille's Axiom:
	If you haven't asked yourself, "Why the hell did
	I go to college anyway?", you must be teaching.
%
Canada is so square even the female impersonators are women.
		-- From the movie "Outrageous"
%
CANCER (June 21 - July 22)
	You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems.
	They think you are a sucker.  You are always putting things off.
	That's why you'll never make anything of yourself.  Most welfare
	recipients are Cancer people.
%
Candy
Is dandy
But liquor
Is quicker.
		-- Ogden Nash, "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"

Fortune updates the great quotes: #53.
	Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker,
	and sex won't rot your teeth.
%
Captain Hook died of jock itch.
%
"Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty,"
the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his
client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is
a hole in the ground."
%
Catholicism has changed tremendously in the recent years.  Now when
Communion is served there is also a salad bar.
		-- Bill Marr
%
Ce livre est dedie a Chagrin,		This book is dedicated to Chagrin,
Qui fit un petit mannequin:		Who fashioned a small doll:
	Sans bras et tout noir,			Without arms and all black,
	Il etait affreux voir;			It was horrible sight;
En effet, absolument la fin.		In effect, the absolute end.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
Chaste makes waste.
%
Chastity:
	The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
		-- Aldous Huxley
%
CHASTITY BELT:
	An anti-trust suit.

	(And an unchivalrous knight is the one that files it.)
%
Chastity is its own punishment.
%
Chicago has journalists' bars, ethnic bars, neighborhood bars, even midget
bars, hundreds, maybe thousands of bars, on on every neighborhood block.
I was drinking on afternoon in O'Rourke's, a bar on the Near North side.
It was dark and empty, which suited my mood.  A fat, stubble-bearded,
middle-aged man waddled in, took the stool next to mine, and ordered a
beer.  He was completely unremarkable, except that he was dressed, head
to toe, in a white-lace wedding gown.  After a silence, I said, "Been to
a wedding?"
	He brushed back his veil, rustled his petticoats and said, "Uh...
yeah."
	He silently finished his drink and left.  The bartender said, "You
know, even the transvestites in this town have five o'clock shadows."
%
Chipmunks roasting on an open fire
Jack Frost ripping up your nose
Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire
And folks dressed up like buffaloes
Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow
Helps to make the season right
Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out
Will find it hard to see tonight
They know that Santa's on his way
He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh
And every mother's child is sure to spy
To see if reindeer really scream when they die
And so I'm offering this simple phrase
To kids from one to ninety two
Although it's been said many times, many ways
Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!!
%
Chorus:
	I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war,
	I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground,
	And livin' off the favors of a 'igh-born lady.
	I don't want a bullet up me arse 'ole,
	I don't want me pecker blown away,
	I'd rather live in England, in jolly, sunny, England,
	And fornicate me bloody life away!!

Monday I touched her on the ankle,
Tuesday I touched her on the knee,
And Wednesday after Mass, I lifted up her dress,
And Thursday I saw you know what,
Friday I put me 'and upon it,
Saturday she gave me balls a tweak [tweak, tweak]
And Sunday after supper, I ran me fucker up 'er,
And now she pays me forty quid a week!
Oh, blimey...

[chorus]
%
CHRIST:
	A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
%
Christ died for our sins.  Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not
committing them?
		-- Jules Feiffer
%
CHRISTIAN:
	One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
	book, admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
CHRISTIAN:
	One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far
	as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin.
%
Christianity and Judaism aren't all that different, really.  Growing up in
a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God.
In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents.
%
CHRISTMAS:
	A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry
	salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best
	response time of the entire year.
%
CHRISTMAS:
	A time when each of us gets to reflect upon what we each most
	deeply and sincerely believe in.  Money.  At the mall of our
	choice.
%
Christmas comes but once a year,
A time for love and laughter;
You can come much more than that,
But you have to clean up after.
%
Cinderella 10:
	A woman who sucks and fucks 'til midnight and
	then turns into a pizza and a six-pack.
%
Clark Kent is a transvestite.
%
Clarke's Third Law:
	Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from
	magic.

G's Third Law:
	In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
	is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.

H's Dictum:
	There is no magic ...
%
Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck,
and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary.
		-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
%
Cleveland still lives.  God MUST be dead.
%
clitoris, n:
	A haired trigger.
%
CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range)

Oh, give me a clone
Of my own flesh and bone
	With the Y chromosome changed to X.
And when she is grown,
My very own clone,
	We'll be of the opposite sex.
Chorus:
	Clone, clone of my own,
	With the Y chromosome changed to X.
	And when we're alone,
	Since her mind is my own,
	She'll be thinking of nothing but sex.
		-- Randall Garrett
%
Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!!
%
COCAINE:
	The thinking man's Dristan.
%
Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan.
%
Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
%
Cocaine isn't habit forming.  I should know -- I've been using it for years.
		-- Tallulah Bankhead
%
Cocaine: using tomorrow's energy today.
%
Cocaine's a joke!
	(Who's got the next line?)
%
cock-sucker, n:
	Someone who got caught doing what you got away with.
%
Coffee without caffeine.  Beer without alcohol.  Milk without fat.
What's next?  Bridal suites with bunk beds?
		-- Orben's Current Comedy
%
Coito ergo sum
%
coitus interruptus, n:
	A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner)
	"I want to have your child."
%
Coitus is punishment for the happiness of being together.  Live as
ascetically as possible... that is the only possible way for me to
endure marriage.  But she?
		-- Franz Kafka
%
Coitus upon a cadaver
Is the ultimate way you can have 'er.
	Her inanimate state
	Means a man needn't wait,
And eliminates all the palaver.
%
COLD:
	When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
%
cold, adj:
	When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant.
%
College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in,
and nine months later you wish you'd never come.
%
Come along and sing a song and join our family.
B & D
S & M
Post to A.S.B.!
Rope and leather, cuffs and cats, and toys from JTT.
B & D
S & M
Post to A.S.B.!
A.S.B.!
	(A.S.B.!)
A.S.B.!
	(A.S.B.!)
Come on now, let's try another tie!
	(Tie! Tie! Tie!)
All the kinky folks are here, and some on IRC.
B & D
S & M
Post on A.S.B.!
		-- To the Mickey Mouse March
%
Come on, Virginia, don't make me wait!
Catholic girls start much too late,
Ah, but sooner or later, it comes down to fate,
I might as well be the one.
Well, they showed you a statue, told you to pray,
Built you a temple and locked you away,
Ah, but they never told you the price that you paid,
The things that you might have done.
So come on, Virginia, show me a sign,
Send up a signal, I'll throw you a line,
That stained glass curtain that you're hiding behind,
Never lets in the sun.
Darling, only the good die young!
		-- Billy Joel, "Only The Good Die Young"
%
Come up and see me sometime.  Come Wednesday, that's amateur night.
		-- Mae West
%
COMMENT:
	A superfluous element of a source program included so the
	programmer can remember what the hell it was he was doing
	six months later.  Only the weak-minded need them, according
	to those who think they aren't.
%
Communists do it without class.
%
Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion.
%
computerfirm nymphomaniac, n:
	Hot Apple pie.
%
Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.

	[Taking a shower in raincoat?  Ed.]
%
Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphragms.
		-- Robin Williams
%
Confucius say:
	man who lay girl on hill, not on level.
	man who pull out too fast leave rubber.
	man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
	modern house without toilet uncanny.
	man with athletic finger make broad jump
	woman should not marry basketball players -- they dribble before
		they shoot.
	man who sleep in road wake up with run-down feeling.
	woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, may get tit bit.
	child conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission
		turn out to be shiftless bastard.
	a smart man knows on which side his broad is better.
	man who arrives late to party will find himself beaten to the punch!
%
Confucius say:
	man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
	man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs.
	man and mouse the same, both end up in pussy.
	boy who play with himself pulls boner.
	woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
	man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
	man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
	man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
	man who lie under car, get tired -- man who stand behind car,
		get exhausted.
%
Confucius say:
	woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house.
	woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring
		next spring.
	man who kiss girl's behind, get crack in face.
	passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
	man who kicked in testicles get left holding bag.
	man who suck nipples make clean breast of things.
	woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine.
	woman's virginity like balloon, one prick and all gone.
	Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best.
	squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
	epileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one.
	seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
%
Confucius say:
	woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town.
	fool man climb tree to get cherries;  wise man spread limbs.
	woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up.
	man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement.
	man who make love on ground have piece on Earth.
	man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key.
	man who fights with wife all day, gets not peace at night.
	man who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
	man with head up ass have shitty outlook on life.
	man who streak unsuited for work.
	woman who bathe in vinegar have sour puss.
	man who beat off in car have hot rod.
%
CONFUSION:
	One woman plus one left turn.
EXCITEMENT:
	Two women plus one secret.
BEDLAM:
	Three women plus one bargain.
CHAOS:
	Four women plus one luncheon check.
%
confusion, n:
	Father's Day in San Francisco.
%
CONSULTANT:
	Someone who knows 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
%
continental breakfast, n:
	A roll in bed with some honey.
%
Coors, n:
	Like making love in a canoe -- fucking close to water.
%
Copa-ulation:
(to the tune of Copacabana)

Her name was Lola, she was a bimbo, with yellow streamers in her hair,
She wore see-through underwear, she'd go to discos, and do the go-go,
And while she tried to be star, Tony jacked off on the bar,
And when the dance was done, his hand was full of come,
His favorite drink is cream in coffee,
Won't you order one?

At the Copa, Copa-ulation ...

Her name was Lola, she was a show-girl,
But that was thirty years ago, when she still could slurp and blow,
Now she's a sado, but not for Tony, still in her chains and leather gown,
She ties Rico to the ground, and fucks that boy half-blind,
But Rico, he don't mind, there are whips and a lot of beatings,
But a real good time ...
%
Couples in motion have moments.
%
courage, n:
	Two cannibals having oral sex.
%
Cover your stump before you hump.
Before you attack her, wrap your wacker.
Don't be silly... protect your Willie.
Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
If you're not going to sack it, go home and wack it.
		-- National Condom Week
%
Cox's philosophy:
	Life's a bitch, then you die.
%
coyote love, n:
	Coyote love is a nebulous term.  Basically, what it involves is
	the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles
	bar.  Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping
	on your arm.  So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you
	chew off your arm at the shoulder.

coyote ugly, adj:
	When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for
	a one-armed man!

See also proof that average instantaneous beauty increases monotonically
as alcohol consumption increases and time, t, approaches last call.
%
"Creation science" has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple
and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and
because good teachers understand exactly why it is false.  What could be
more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our
entire intellectual heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing
honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment
to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any
general understanding of science as an enterprise?
		-- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Skeptical Inquirer"
%
crew, n:
	Eight big men and their cute little cox.
%
Cried Miss Pratt : "What are you staring at?
I know - you don't have to say that!
	All you guys want of me
	Is a poke where I pee,
And it's pounding my ass mighty flat!"
%
Crinklaw's Observation:
	Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed,
	marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence.
%
Cum Hilde autem ambulabat
Homo qui aedificabat.
	Dixit volebat.  Debet et potebat.
	Sic ille ducebat.  Statim faciebat.
Sed virginem pine necebat.
%
Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness.
%
Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
%
Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-studies text,
"what did you do during the sexual revolution?"
	"Well, son," his father confided, "I guess you could say I was
captured early and spent the duration doing the dishes."
%
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer true,
Daisy, Daisy, wouldn't you like to screw?
I really must beg your pardon,
But I've got a hell of a hard-on,
From beating my meat, against the seat,
Of a bicycle built for two.
		-- "Daisy, Daisy", "The Dirty Song Book"
%
Dallas still lives.  God MUST be dead.
%
Dame Catherine of Ashton-on-Lynches
Got on with her grooms and her wenches:
	She went down on the gents,
	And pronged the girl's vents
With a clitoris reaching six inches.
%
Dames lie about anything -- just for practice.
		-- Raymond Chandler
%
Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you?
FIRST you rape, THEN you pillage!!
%
Damned if I know.  And you can be fuckin' sure I'll never rent no car
from Avis again.
		-- Herbie Sperling, on the meaning of two pistols and an
		axe used in three murders being found in the trunk of his
		rented car.

If you guys have a beef with her, that's her problem.  Don't lay it on
me.  The old lady has to take care of her own weight.
		-- Herbie Sperling, convicted heroin dealer, on being
		arrested for narcotics possession at his mother's house.

	At his sentencing, Herbie Sperling proved that he was the all-time
stand-up guy.
	Sperling's lawyer made a lengthy, impassioned plea for his client.
He talked of mercy, justice, humanity to fellow men who have chosen the wrong
path.  Yes, the crimes were serious, yes, Mr. Sperling deserves a prison
sentence, but the maximum sentence was not warranted.
	Then the judge turned to Sperling.  "Mr. Sperling, is there anything
you wish to say?"
	"Yes, Your Honor.  If you think I'm going to beg for mercy, you've
got another think coming.  You're all a bunch of fucking fascist cocksuckers,
you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..."
		-- Gregory Wallace, "Papa's Game"
%
Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention.
%
date; talk; touch; unzip; finger; expand; strip; head; mount; yes; yes; yes;
eject; more; sleep
%
Dave has an aeroplane,
In which he likes to frisk.
Oh what a foolish boy,
His silly *.
%
David was just a shepherd who liked to get his rocks off in leather.
%
De Hispanice puella verumque
Simplex oris verborumque
	Tulit potens vagina
	Hominum agmina
Iterum iterum iterumque.
%
Dear Abby:
	I have two brothers.  One was sent to the electric chair when I was
a child.  My mother died in an insane asylum.  My father is a pimp and my
sister is a very successful and highly paid prostitute.  My other brother
is a graduate student attending Purdue University.
	Recently I met a wonderful girl who has just been released from prison
for murdering her illegitimate child with a Zip-loc sandwich bag.  We're very
much in love and want to be married after her venereal disease is cured.
	My problem is this: should I tell her about my brother at Purdue?

		Sincerely,
		Undecided.
%
Dear Abby:
	I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously.  I
think she's the one for me.  There's just one problem: I can't remember
from our first date if she told me she had TB or VD.  What should I do?
			--Confused

Dear Confused:
	If she coughs, fuck her.
%
Dear Ann Landers:
	I have a problem.  I have two brothers; one works for the Illinois
Bell Telephone Company, the other brother was just sentenced to death
in the electric chair for murder.  My mother died from insanity when
I was three years old.  My two sisters are prostitutes and my father
sells narcotics.
	I recently met girl who was just released from a reformatory where
she served time for smothering her illegitimate child to death.  I love
this girl and want to marry her.  My problem is this -- dare I tell her
about my brother who works for Illinois Bell?
		-- Confused.
%
Dear Ann Landers:
	My husband watches the TV preachers every Sunday.  He claims
one minister said there are 350 different sins.  My husband wants to
know if you can get the list.  He thinks he is missing something.
		-- E.J. Mayfield
%
Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
This visage meek and humble,
And hear this confidential plea
Voiced in reverent mumble:
	Give me Shylock, give me Fagin
	But O God spare me Ronald Reagan!
		-- Ansel Adams
%
Dear Miss Manners:
Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face.

Gentle Reader:
Please list some decent ways of acquiring a man's saliva on your face.
If the gentleman sprayed you inadvertently to accompany enthusiastic
discourse, you may step back two paces, bring out your handkerchief,
and go through the motions of wiping your nose, while trailing the cloth
along your face to pick up whatever needs mopping along the route.  If,
however, the substance was acquired as a result of enthusiasm of a more
intimate nature, you may delicately retrieve it with a flick of your
pink tongue.
%
Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this
telegram was sent from a wife to her husband:
	"NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE."
%
Desperate because her husband hadn't made love to her in months, a lonely
housewife finally mustered her courage and went to their doctor for advice.
The doctor was very sympathetic and wrote out a prescription for pills that
were guaranteed to rekindle the husband's ardor in a big way.  "They'll make
him horny as hell," the doctor confided, "but they're very potent, so just
put one in whatever he's drinking."
	Upon arriving home, the woman left the pills on the kitchen counter
and dashed off to the supermarket.  It didn't take long before the cat jumped
up, knocked them over onto the floor, and ate a couple, as did the family
dog.  And when the husband got home with a headache, he took a few thinking
they were aspirin.
	When the housewife returned, she was horrified to see the dog humping
the cat and the cat jumping all over the dog, but even stranger was the sight
of her husband with his penis inside the pencil sharpener on the counter.
"What in heaven's name are you doing, John?" she cried.
	"See that mosquito?" he replied.
%
Dial 911.  Make a cop come.
%
diaphragm, n:
	A childproof cap.
%
dicker, v:
	What you do to your wife if arguing doesn't work.
%
Did Detroit invent the back seat to destroy the morals of America?
		-- Ed Sanders
%
Did you hear about...
	the butcher who dropped his cleaver and went home half-cocked?
%
Did you hear about...
	the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
%
Did you hear about the 10 year old boy who asked his recently divorced mother
her age?  She told him that was not a question to ask and that he shouldn't
ask it again.  He then asked her her weight.  She, once again, told him that
she wouldn't answer the question and that he shouldn't ask it again.  The next
question he asked was why she and Daddy got divorced.  Once again, she told
him that it was not a question he should ask and to not ask that question
again.
	Some time later, she found him looking through her purse.  Sharply
asking him what he was doing resulted in him beamingly telling her that he
had found the answers to all of his questions!
	"Mom", he said, "your driver's license says you're 34 years old, weigh
125 pounds, and you and Daddy probably divorced 'cause you got an 'F' in sex!"
%
Did you hear about the nearsighted fetishist who got off on the wrong foot?
%
Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
%
Did you hear about young Henry Lockett?
He was blown down the street by a rocket.
	The force of the blast
	Blew his balls up his ass,
And his pecker was found in his pocket.
%
Did you hear they canceled Easter this year?
Found the body.
%
Did you know that some people your age have sex
thirty-seven times in a week?  And die immediately after?
%
Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"?
%
Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
%
Dig it, first they killed those pigs, then they ate dinner in the same
room with them, then they even shoved a fork in a victim's stomach.  Wild!
		-- Bernadine Dohrn, on the Manson killings
%
Disclaimer of the Week:
	Any Society Which Requires Disclaimers Has Too Many Goddamn Lawyers.
%
Disillusioned words like bullets bark,
As human gods aim for their mark,
Make everything from toy guns that spark
To flesh-colored christs that glow in the dark.
It's easy to see without looking too far
That not much is really sacred.
%
Distributed Systems people do it loosely coupled.
%
DIVE!!!  DIVE!!!  DIVE!!!
UP PERISCOPE!!!

(Ooops, sorry, wrong fantasy.)
%
divorce, n:
	A change of wife.
%
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
%
Do married women make the best wives?
%
Do not permit a woman to ask forgiveness, for that is only the first
step.  The second is justification of herself by accusation of you.
		-- DeGourmont
%
Do not rejoice in his defeat, you men,
For though the world stood up
And stopped the bastard,
The bitch that bore him is in heat again.
		-- Bertolt Brecht
%
Do something big -- fuck a giant.
%
"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Who else?" answered the patient.
%
Do you smoke after sex?
Why, do you know, I've never looked!
%
Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
%
Documentation is like sex:  when it is good, it is very,
very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
		-- Dick Brandon
%
Does he treat your breasts like unripe grapefruit?  Who needs him?
		-- `J', "The Sensuous Woman"
%
Does it rape elephants?
		-- Brent Byer
%
Doing business with the government is like fucking sheep.
It's easy, but it's not very satisfying.
%
Don't accept rides from strange men -- and remember that all men
are strange as hell.
		-- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful"
%
Don't dip your wick in a WAC,
Don't ride the breast of a WAVE,
	Just sit in the sand
	And do it by hand,
And buy bonds with the money you save.
%
Don't forget to support the ERA apersonment.
%
Don't get the idea that I'm one of those goddamn radicals.  Don't get the
idea that I'm knocking the American system.
		-- Al Capone
%
Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.
		-- Woody Allen
%
Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
		-- Bo Diddley
%
Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!!
%
Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse.
%
Dope will get you through times of no money
better than money will get you through times of no dope!
		-- Freewheelin' Franklin, "The Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers"
%
Down by the old model T,
Where she first showed it to me.
	It was furry and black,
	And she called it a crack,
But it looked like a manhole to me.
%
Draft beer, not boys!
%
Dry fucking: that's man on top of woman, the action is the same as fucking,
but you're dressed.  It's great for the girl... you're hitting and rubbing
exactly the area that you ought to be... I still like that.
		-- Grace Slick
%
Due to a mixup in urology, orange juice will not be served this morning.
%
Dull women have immaculate homes.
%
DuPont, I.G., Monsanto, and Shell
Built a world-circling pussy cartel,
	And by planned obsolescence,
	So controlled detumescence,
A poor man could not get a smell.
%
During the darkest days of World War II, when each night brought waves of
Luftwaffe bombers raining death and destruction on a near-defenseless London,
Prime Minister Churchill went on the air to address the British people.  "I
read this morning's paper that Herr Hitler plans to wring England's neck like
that of a chicken," he began, "and I was reminded of what the Irish poacher
said as he stood on the gallows.  It seems the poor fellow was approached by a
well-meaning if somewhat overzealous priest who, in horrific detail, described
the unfading torments of Hades which awaited him if he did not repent of his
misdeeds. The condemned man listened patiently to all that the priest had to
say, and when he was done, grinned broadly and replied, 'Eat it raw, fuzz
nuts.'"
		-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
%
dyke, n:
	A woman who kick-starts her vibrator.  And rolls her own
	tampons.
%
Dyslexia means never having to say that you're ysror.
%
Dyslexics have more fnu.
%
DYSLEXICS OF THE WORLD, UNTIE!
%
Early to bed and early to rise makes a man a helluva big nuisance.
%
Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
%
Eat shit and die a virgin!
%
Economists are still trying to figure out why the
girls with the least principle draw the most interest.
%
EE's do it without shorts.
%
Eighteen goddess-like daughters are not equal to one son with a hump.
		-- Chinese Proverb
%
Eighty percent of married men cheat in America.  The rest cheat in Europe.
		-- Jackie Mason
%
Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
	1)  Cucumbers can stay up all night,
		and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot.
	2)  Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
	3)  You won't find out later that your cucumber
		...is married
		...is on penicillin
		...likes you -- but loves your brother!
	4)  A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
	5)  A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
	6)  Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
	7)  Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
	8)  A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
	9)  Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
	10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
	11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
%
embarrassment, n:
	Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap.
%
Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast
as a male schlemiel.
		-- Ewald Nyquist
%
Erogenous zone, n:
	The skin you touch to love.
%
Es giebt ein Arbeiter von Tinz,
Er schlaft mit ein Madel von Linz.
	Sie sagt, "Halt sein' plummen,
	Ich hore Mann kommen."
"Jacht, jacht," sagt der Plummer, "Ich binz."
%
eternity, n:
	The length of time between when you come and he leaves.
%
Ethnologists up with the Sioux
Wired home for two punts, one canoe.
	The answer next day,
	Said, "Girls on the way,
But what the hell's a `panoe'?"
%
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
%
Even bytes get lonely for a little bit.
%
Evening hours "all clear" for romance!
(Tell mate you have to work late.)
%
Ever notice that the women who are against abortion are the ones you
wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
		-- George Carlin
%
Ever wondered why you always run out of breath when you throw up?
Ah, but a man's retch should exceed his gasp, else what's a heaving for?
%
Every harlot was a virgin once.
		-- William Blake
%
Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive
like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume
and at least a pint of ether.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
%
Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then
drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson
%
Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.

Please, think of the kittens.
%
Everyone:	"Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you,
		Amen!"
Bruce:		"Another two!  (Bottles opening.)  Any questions?"
Bruce:		"New-Bruce, are you a Poofter?"
Bruce:		"Are you a Poofter?"
New-Bruce:	"No!"
Bruce:		"No.  Right, I just want to remind you of the faculty rules:
	Rule One!"
Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
Bruce:		"Rule Two, no member of the faculty is to maltreat the Abbos
	in any way at all -- if there's anybody watching.  Rule Three?"
Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
Bruce:		"Rule Four, now this term, I don't want to catch anybody not
	drinking.  Rule Five..."
Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
Bruce:		"Rule Six, there is NO... Rule Six.  Rule Seven..."
Everyone:	"NO POOFTERS!"
Bruce:		"Right, that concludes the readin' of the rules, Bruce.  This
	here's the wattle, the emblem of our land. You can stick it in a
	bottle, you can hold it in your hand.  Amen!
		-- Monty Python
%
Everyone has the right, without exception, to equal pay for equal work.
Except for women.
%
Everyone in the office is welcome to join the group going to the Columbus
Theater tonight.  Meet in the lobby at 8:30.  The films are "Blue Jennifer"
and "Hot Coed Cheerleaders".
%
Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence.  These silly humans
are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority.
	Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by
cats.
	You wouldn't see cats having waste disposal problems.
	They're neat.
	They don't have sexual hangups.  A cat gets horny, it does something
about it.
	They keep reasonable hours.  You *never* see a cat up before noon.
	They know how to relax.  Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer?
	What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war?  Pretty neglible.
It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to
do with ones time.  Like lie in the sun and sleep.  Or go exploring the world.
%
Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
		-- Ellyn Mustard
%
exotic dancer, n:
	A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time.
%
Exuberant Sue from Anjou
Found that fucking affected her hue.
	She presented to sight
	Nipples pink, bottom white;
But her asshole was purple and blue.
%
falsie salesman, n:
	Fuller bust man.
%
Famous last words:
	1: Everything that you'll need to know is in the manual.
	2: You and what army?
	3: Don't worry, I can handle it.
	4: If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't
		be a cop.
	5: I don't see how they make a profit
		out of this stuff at a dollar and a quarter a fifth.
	6: We're just getting into semantics again.
	7: Everything's under control.
	8: He's an asshole!  Don't try to "shush" me!
%
Fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside.  You had an arse full
of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows,
long windy ones, quick little merry cracks...
		-- James Joyce
%
Fed some caviar to my girlfriend
She was a virgin tried and true
Now my girlfriend needs no urgin'
There ain't nothin' she won't do!
	Caviar comes from a Virgin Sturgeon -
	Virgin Sturgeon's a very fine fish.
	Virgin Sturgeon needs no urgin'
	That's why caviar is my dish!

Fed some caviar to my Grandpa
He was a man of ninety-three
Shrieks and screams were heard from Grandma
He had chased her up a tree!
	(chorus)
%
felt tip, v:
	Past tense for a breast examination!
%
Female ballet dancers are the bravest girls around.  Who else would take a
flying leap into the arms of a homosexual and expect to be caught?
		-- Rita Rudner
%
female, n:
	Life support system for a pussy.
%
Feminism, n:
	A political position which seeks to rebuild society so that
	both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated.
%
Feminists just want the human race to be a tie.
%
Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
women.  They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
handbags are full.
		-- Earl Wilson
%
Fie for shame,
you lascivious, lewd, lecherous,
libidinous, lustful, licentious, dirty bum!!
%
Fig Newton.
%
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
%
Filth and old age, I'm sure you will agree,
Are powerful wardens upon chastity.
		-- Geoffrey Chaucer
%
Finally, a reporter got a chance to interview Tarzan.

Reporter: Tarzan?  Is that your first or last name?
Tarzan:   Tarzan first name.
Reporter: Then, what's your whole name?
Tarzan:   Tarzan of the Apes.
Reporter: And who is the woman with you?
Tarzan:   That Jane.
Reporter: And what's Jane's whole name?
Tarzan:   Cunt.
%
First you get down on your knees,	Get in line in that processional,
Fiddle with your rosaries,		Step into that small confessional,
Bow your head with great respect,	There the guy who's got religion'll
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!	Tell you if your sins' original.
Do whatever steps you want if		If it is, try playin' it safer,
You have cleared them with the Pontiff,	Drink the wine and chew the wafer,
Ev'rybody say his own			Two, four, six eight,
Kyrie eleison,				Time to transubstantiate!
Doin' the Vatican Rag.

So get down upon your knees,		Make a cross on your abdomen,
Fiddle with your rosaries,		When in Rome do like a Roman,
Bow your head with great respect,	Ave Maria,
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!	Gee, it's good to see ya,
	Gettin' ecstatic an' sorta dramatic an' Doin' the Vatican Rag!
		-- Tom Lehrer, "The Vatican Rag"
%
Five-foot nine, eyes that shine
He was born in Palestine
Has anybody seen my Lord?

He's so cool, he's so fine
Eat his bread and drink his wine
Has anybody seen my Lord?

He's so neat, he's so cool,
Walks across my swimming pool.
Has anybody...
%
Flappity, floppity, flip
The mouse on the Mobius strip;
	The strip revolved,
	The mouse dissolved
In a chronodimensional skip.
%
Flirt, n:
	A girl whose favorite man is the next one.
%
Floating idly one day through the air,
A circus performer named Blair,
	Tied a sizeable rock,
	To the end of his cock,
And shattered a balcony chair.
%
Floppy now, hard later.
%
Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest.  This cat allowed himself
to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched
by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really
bombed.  And he came to believe that work, show business, love, his whole
life, even himself and all that jazz was bullshit.  He became numero uno
gameplayer.  Uh, to the point where he didn't know where the games ended
and the reality began.  Like to this cat, the only reality... is death, man.
Ladies and gentlemen, let me lay on you, a so-so entertainer, not much of
a humanitarian, and this cat was never nobody's friend.  In his final
appearance on the great stage of life, uh, you can applaud if you want to,
Mr. Joe Gideon!!
		-- All That Jazz
%
Fond of equestrians, Mabel
Looked for true love in the stable.
	But she found the studs,
	For her were all duds,
Now she's out with the leg of a table.
%
For a gay time, call 632-9483.  Ask for Brucie.
%
For a good time, call 632-9484.  Ask for Cathy.
%
For a good time, call 632-9485.  Ask for Michael.
%
For a house-to-house salesman named Moore,
Getting housewives' attention's no chore:
	He's endowed with a dong
	That is 12 inches long,
So he wedges his foot in the door.
%
For a young man, not yet: for an old man, never at all.
		-- Diogenes, asked when a man should marry

When should a man marry?  A young man, not yet; an elder man, not at all.
		-- Sir Francis Bacon, "Of Marriage and Single Life"
%
For children, a woman.
For pleasure, a boy.
For sheer ecstasy, a melon.
%
For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an
exquisite nightgown of imported lace.  The next week her salary was
raised!
%
For months the loving newlywed had asked his blushing bride to perform oral
sex on him, but to no avail.  His sweet entreaties never worked, for she was
simply too innocent and inexperienced to even *think* of such a thing, let
alone attempt it.  But a year of gentle persistence finally paid off, and
one night his darling nervously but lovingly performed the act.  When it was
over, she looked deeply into his eyes, blushed, and asked, "How was I,
sweetheart?"
	He looked at her and replied, "How should I know -- I'm no
cocksucker!"
%
For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
	But the one remedy
	For contagious V.D.
Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
%
For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
	But the one remedy
	For contagious V.D.
Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
%
"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
"You have told me my bosom is snowy;
	You have made much fine verse on
	Each part of my person,
Now do something -- there's a good boy!"
%
fornication, n:
	Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#15

Sex:
	Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.  Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay.  Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.

Maturity:
	Women mature much faster than men.  Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults.  Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards
and giving each other wedgies after gym class.  This is why high school
romances rarely work out.

Handwriting:
	To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship.  They just
chicken-scratch.  Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their
"i's" with circles and hearts.  Women use ridiculously large loops in their
"p's" and "g's".  It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman.  Even
when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN:	#18

Sexual frequency:
	The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every
morning, or maybe both if he's under 25.  The average woman would like to
have sex non-stop all weekend, once a month.

Shopping:
	It's no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all men.
Men don't like to shop.  If a man can't foist the job off on some woman, he
will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would a jungle expedition.
He wants a map of the store showing where he has to go to get item X in
color Y in the correct size, which he doesn't know.  Even then it takes him
half an hour to get there from the entrance.  When he's finally accomplished
his mission, he'll discover that he forgot his checkbook.  Women shop to
relax.
%
Fortune Personals:
	SWBiM, 29.  Gr/Fr/Mild English.  Have
	own moose, hoop.  Sincere inquiries
	only.  Discreet.  Fortune P.O. Box 1910.
%
Fortune presents:
	USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #3.

Kie estas la plej proksima masa^gejo?	Where's the nearest massage parlor?
Vi dolorigas min.			You're hurting me.
Mi deziras viziti usonan kuraciston.	I want to see an American doctor.
Mi deziras a^ceti kontraugraveda^jojn.	I would like to buy some
						contraceptives.
^Cu tiu estis ankau bona por ci?	Was it good for you too?
%
Fortune presents:
	USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #4.
Mia ^svebo^sipo estas plena je angiloj.	My hovercraft is full of eels.
Neniu anticipas la hispanan		No one expects the Spanish
	Inkvizicion.				Inquisition.
La solvo estas kvardekdu.		The answer is forty-two.
Adiau, kaj dankoj por ^ciom da fi^so.	So long, and thanks for all the fish.
^Cu estas krajono en via po^so, au ^cu	Is that a pencil in your pocket,
	vi feli^cas pri vidi min?		or are you happy to see me?
%
Fortune suggests uses for YOUR favorite UNIX commands!

Try:
	[Where is Jimmy Hoffa?			(C shell)
	^How did the^sex change operation go?	(C shell)
	"How would you rate BSD vs. System V?
	%blow					(C shell)
	'thou shalt not mow thy grass at 8am'	(C shell)
	got a light?				(C shell)
	!!:Say, what do you think of margarine?	(C shell)
	PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense	(Bourne shell)
	make love
	make "the perfect dry martini"
	man -kisses dog				(anything up to 4.3BSD)
	i=Hoffa ; >$i; $i; rm $i; rm $i		(Bourne shell)
%
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #3

You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor.  The success of this
proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%.  In the middle of your
proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into
your coffee.  You:

	(a)  Tell him you take your coffee black.
	(b)  Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
	(c)  Show him who's in command; promptly take a piss in his
		"In" basket.
	(d)  Take a sip and comment how much better it tastes.
%
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #5

You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and
tell your boss that nobody but ladies of the evening and football players
live there.  He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay.  You:

	(a)  Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't
		remember your name.
	(b)  Ask what position she played.
	(c)  Ask if she is still working the streets.
	(d)  Pull lacy underwear from your raincoat pocket and ask
		if he recognizes the label.
%
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #6

You are having lunch with a prospective vendor talking about what could be
your best deal of the year.  During the conversation a blonde walks into
the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion's attention
to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone
in your hotel.  She walks over to your table and the vendor introduces her as
his daughter.  Your next move is to:

	(a)  Ask for her hand in marriage.
	(b)  Pass out and hope for sympathy.
	(c)  Forget the business; repeat the conversation to the
		daughter and get her number.
	(d)  Turn red and slink off into the men's room.
%
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #7
You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
there.  He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay.  You:

	(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
		name.
	(b) Ask what position she played.
	(c) Pull a pair of lacey underwear from your pocket and ask if
		he recognizes the label.
%
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #9

You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
in the plushest office you've ever seen.  The enchillada casserole and
egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.  You:

	(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
	(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
	(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
%
Fortune understands that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality
could go either way.
%
Fortune's Guide to Movies:
G:   No girl.
PG:  The hero gets the girl.
R:   The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl.
X:   The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
	which end it will be.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl.
%
Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #1

	Any attempt to say that someone's personal beliefs are wrong, even if
you supply conclusive evidence to support your claim, is an outright attack.
If you show someone a flaw in his/her logic, they have every right to punch
you in the face.  Mathematical proofs of errors are the moral equivalent
of rape and should be avoided at all cost.
	Now... your opponent has requested a "rational discussion".  What do
you do?  Well, remember that people are normally willing to discuss things
rationally if and only if you agree with them; anything less would obviously
not be rational.  Therefore, agree immediately, and continue as before.
	Always assume that whenever you see someone making a statement about
"certain parties who shall remain nameless", "some people", "assholes", etc.,
they are talking about *you*.  It is also correct to assume that words you
don't understand, such as "prestidigatory", "lapidarian", and "buprestid",
are direct personal attacks aimed at your loved ones and merit an equally
scathing response.  Failure to do this results in many lost opportunities for
rational discussion.  (See above.)
%
Fortune's Rules for Memo Wars: #3

The proper time for a vicious ad hominem attack is when you have no logical
recourse.  If you have been arguing a point with a person or persons for
30 odd weeks, and an memo comes across that logically tears down the
final shred of evidence that you thought you had, that is the time to call
the author of that memo:
	1: a mindless twit who attacks other people's beliefs for no reason.
	2: an egotistical flaming typical wombat aggie melon-humping
	   cheese-whizzing nanosexual subuseless clamsucker whose memos
	   are apparently sneezed onto his/her terminal.
	3: something unpleasant.
The OTHER proper time for an ad hominem attack is immediately after someone
has posted something you don't understand.  Given the current state of modern
electronic communications technology your inability to comprehend the meaning
of an memo constitutes a violation of western moral tradition on the part of
the author of that memo, and the author should be taken to task publicly via
a series of really nasty, name-calling oriented memos.
%
FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #5

	Don't wear your spurs while making love in a waterbed.
%
FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #8

	Don't wear your high heels while making love on the pool table.
%
Four men had been playing golf together for twenty years.  After their usual
Saturday game one week, one of the men joined the other three for a post-game
shower for the first time.  His friends were surprised - "For twenty years",
one of them says, "you haven't showered after our game, you've just waited for
us in the clubhouse.  Why the sudden change?"
	"Well", replies their friend, "I was born with a fairly unusual
medical condition.  I had both a penis and a vagina.  Last month I finally
decided to have the vagina removed."
	The other three men look at him in disbelief and disgust.  "You
mean," snaps one of them, "you could have played from the women's tee all
these years?"
%
France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear
the toilet paper.
		-- Billy Wilder
%
From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the
fact that the fellow was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it.  The
moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and
whispered,
	"Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine
inches?"
There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said,
	"You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times
in a row!"
%
Fuck art; let's dance!
%
Fuck off and die!
%
Fuck you and anybody who looks like you.
%
Fuck'em if they can't take a joke!
%
Fucking is a filthy deed. -- I like it.
It satisfies a normal need. -- I like it.
	It makes you sick, it makes you well,
	It turns your spine to fucking jell,
It damns your soul to Eternal Hell! -- I like it.
%
fuck-me-pumps, n:
	Stiletto heels of a certain length, usually black patent leather.
The proper designation is "throw-me-down-and-fuck-me" pumps.  Shoes with
heels just high enough to let the frayed tip of a bullwhip trail around
them properly.
%
fuckoff, n:
	The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant.
%
Gardeners do it in raised beds.
%
GARTER:
	An elastic band intended to keep a woman
	from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country.
%
Gary Hart's biggest mistake was not getting Teddy Kennedy to drive
Donna Rice home.
%
GAY:
	One who'd rather swish than fight.
%
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
	You are a quick and intelligent thinker.  People like you because
you are bisexual.  However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
little.  This means you are cheap.  Geminis are known for committing incest.
%
Gentlemen prefer blondes, but who says blondes prefer gentlemen?
		-- Mae West
%
Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.
%
George, after tying on a whopper the night before, woke up in the morning to
find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him.  He
leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the
bureau.  He then started to tiptoe out of the room.  But, as he passed the
foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg.  Glancing down, he saw
another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed.  She gazed up
at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"
%
George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he
also admitted doing it.  Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
Because George still had the axe in his hand.
%
GEORGIA:
	Where kinky sex means getting laid.
%
"Get a load of that chick!"	"Dude -- you gotta ask her out."
"Weellll, I dunno..."		"Look.  The worst she can say, is 'No'!"
"Hey!  You're right!"		"I'm always right!"
"The worst she can say... is 'No'!"

"Idunnoifyou'vebeennoticingmebutI'vebeennoticingyouandIwaswonderingif
you'd like to go out with me!"

Oh my god you little Geek!
Get away before I freak!		You ugly, stupid, zitfaced scum,
I'm a babe and you are not.		You asked me out; you MUST be dumb.
You can't handle what I've got!		Well you can beg until you're blue,
I'm too hot, too hot for you..		But you're not even fit to lick my shoe.
					I'm too hot, too hot for you.
Ha ha ha!  Don't make me laugh!
I want a whole man, not a half.		I've got a bitchin' bod and a killer
You wet your pants, I'm so sure.		face,
Too bad wimp-itis has no cure.		I'm god's gift to the male race.
I'm too hot, too hot for you.		I'm the queen of babes supreme,
					But you'll only see me in you dreams.
"Well?  What'd she say??"		I'm too hot, too hot for you.
"Well, she didn't say no..."
 		-- Barry and the Bookbinders, "The Worst She Can Say is No"
%
GET OFF THE FUCKING SYSTEM THIS INSTANT, YOU ASSHOLE!!!!
%
Get your bytes from our backend!
		-- Britton Lee
%
Getting an education at the University of California
is like having $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
%
Getting Cheryl to shed her apparel
Is like shooting goldfish in a barrel.
	But her genital area
	Is so vast it'll scareya,
And you venture inside at your peril.
%
Gibble gabble gabble gibble gurgle lubble gibble babble beeble triggle
	Lean closer.
Libble gabble gabble ibble gurgle gubble tibble babble feeble riggle
	Smile at her *knowingly*.
Gibble gabble sabble gibble surgle gubble gibble babble beeble giggle
	Nod sympathetically.  Show you're on *her* side.
Bibble gabble gabble babble gurgle gubble gibble tribble beeble figgle
	Touch her hand lightly.  Nobody understands but we two.
Fibble gabble fobble gibble gurgle bubble gibble tabble beeble giggle
	Look sincere.

"Why don't we have the next drink up at MY place?"

	God's gift to women strikes again.
		-- J. Feiffer
%
Gimme that old bisexuality,
Gimme that old bisexuality,
Gimme that old bisexuality,
'Cause it's good enough for me!

It was good for David Bowie,
It was good for David Bowie,
It was good for David Bowie,
And it's good enough for me!
%
Girls are better looking in snowstorms.
		-- Archie Goodwin
%
Girls are like pianos.  When they're not upright, they're grand!
%
Girls marry for love.  Boys marry because of a chronic irritation
that causes them to gravitate in the direction of objects with
certain curvilinear properties.
		-- Ashley Montagu
%
Girls really do know just what they want -- you to figure it out for
yourself!
%
Girls who put out are tramps.  Girls who don't are ladies.  This is,
however, a rather archaic use of the word.  Should one of you boys happen
upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you
have found a lady.  What you have probably found is a lesbian.
		-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
%
Girls who throw themselves at men,
are actually taking very careful aim.
%
Girls would never stay out late if guys didn't make them.
%
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
		-- Mae West
%
Give me Librium or give me Meth.
%
Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
%
GLEE CLUB GROUPIE:
	A girl into choral sex.
%
GNU Make will no longer go into an infinite loop when fed the horrid
trash that passes for makefiles that `imake' produces (so you can
compile X, despite the extreme stubbornness and irrationality of its
maintainers).
		-- GNU Make 3.55 release notes
%
Go out with girls Dutch treat -- pay for dinner, drinks,
and the movie, and the rest of the evening is on her.
%
God is a polytheist.
%
God is an atheist.
%
God is not dead!  He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's.
%
God is not dead -- he's been busted.
%
God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent -- it says so right here
on the label.  If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these
divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you.  No
checks, please.  Cash and in small bills.
		-- Lazarus Long
%
God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place.
%
God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
%
God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh.
%
God must love assholes -- She made so many of them.
%
God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on
where to go.
	"Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter.
	"No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God.
	"Well, how about Mercury?"
	"No, it's too hot there."
	"Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?"
	"No," sighed God, "They're such horrible gossips.  When I was
there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're
still talking about it."
%
God wants us to know that if we see a bumper sticker saying "Honk if you love
Jesus" it is a bad idea to honk to express an opinion about Jesus because it
will annoy the turkey who put the bumper sticker on as well as everyone else
in the vicinity.  However, it is just fine to honk to annoy the turkey simply
for being a turkey, for God told Man to be fruitful and multiply, and to rule
over the beasts of the field and the birds of the air, and that includes the
turkeys who buy such bumper stickers.  Of course, God understands that innocent
bystanders will also be annoyed, but He has wisely created traffic cops to
impose some constraint on how much we may annoy the turkeys within city limits,
for God's wisdom comprehends full well that thou shalt not make an omelette
without breaking eggs.  God only wishes they were turkey eggs, so such moral
dilemmas shall be fewer in number in the future, when the generations a-coming
(hallelujah) won't have so many turkeys to deal with.  But God knows full well
that such things take time, and the turkeys are showing more resilience than
expected, and may be with us for a long time yet.
%
God's plan had a great beginning,
But man spoiled his chances by sinning
	We trust that the story
	Will end in God's glory
But at present the other side's winning.
%
Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello
is fatal to a virgin.
		-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
%
Gold coast slave ship bound for cotton fields
Sold in a market down in New Orleans
Scarred old slaver knows he's doing alright
Hear him whip the women, just around midnight

Ah, brown sugar how come you taste so good?
Ah, brown sugar just like a young girl should

Drums beating cold English blood runs hot
Lady of the house wonderin' where it's gonna stop
House boy knows that he's doing alright
You should a heard him just around midnight.
...
I bet your mama was tent show queen
And all her girlfriends were sweet sixteen
I'm no school boy but I know what I like
You should have heard me just around midnight.
		-- Rolling Stones, "Brown Sugar"
%
Goldfish:  Two naked people tied and put on a mattress together to make love
"fish fashion" (ie: no hands).  Originally a nineteenth-century bordel joke.
It can be done (if you are the victims, try on your sides from behind).
Venerable party game, but don't play it with strangers, or leave players
unsupervised, even briefly.  There was a nice spoof on this sex stunt in
the movie "Soldier Blue".  A good many women can get an orgasm from this
simply by struggling, especially if you put them in front of a mirror.
Don't both tie yourselves, even if you can manage it -- you might not be
able to get loose.
		-- The Joy of Sex
%
Good day for water sports.  Take a bath with a friend.
%
Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen!
Here's a little number I tossed up in the Carribean recently...

Isn't it awfully nice to have a Penis,
isn't it frightfully good to have a Dong.

It's swell to have a Stiffy,
it's divine to have a Dick,
from the tinyest little Tadger,
to the world's greatest Prick.

So, breeches for your Willy or John-Thomas,
Hooray! for your One Eyed Trouser's Snake.

Your Piece of Pork, your Wife's best friend,
your Porky or your Cock,
you can wrap it up in ribbons,
you can stick it in your sock!

But, don't take it out in public,
or they will stick you in the dock,
and you won't come back.
                -- The Meaning of Life, Monty Python
%
good scout, n:
	Someone who knows the lay of the land and will take you to her.
%
Gorbachev woke up early one morning, and felt great.  He walked over to his
window, threw back the curtains, and saw the sun coming up.  He felt *so*
good, he crowed, "Good Morning Sun!", and was startled when a great booming
voice came back to him, "Good morning Comrade!  Good morning to you and
the great Soviet Socialist Republic!".  Of course, this surprised him, but
great politician that he is, he considers the political ramifications.
Gorbachev then woke up Reza and his closest aides, brought them into his
bedroom, and shouted out "Good morning, Comrade Sun!".  Again a booming reply,
"Good morning, Comrade.  Good morning to you and the rest of the Party!"
Everyone was quite excited about this, and Gorbachev sat down to his
day's work with a feeling of being destiny's favorite child.
	Later, in the evening, he was preparing for the ballet.  As he
dressed, he noticed that the sun was setting.  Walking over to the window,
Gorbachev threw up the sash and again addressed the sun, "Good evening to
you, Comrade Sun!".  Once more the great voice boomed out, "Fuck you,
asshole!  I'm in the West now!"
%
Grain grows best in shit.
		-- U.K. LeGuin
%
Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks.
%
Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
%
great lover, n:
	A man who can breathe through his ears.
%
GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21):  July 30, 1917

On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then
Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl.  He bought
them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought
I wouldn't get out of that under $1000!"  Always one to learn from
his mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs
in a tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service
men stood lookout.
%
Gross, adj.:
	When your bloody mary still has the string in it.
%
Gross, adj.:
	When your grandmother kisses you goodnight and
	slips you some tongue.
%
Gynecologist, n:
	Someone who spends their time spreading old wives' tails.
%
HACKER:
	A master byter.
%
Hackers do it bottom-up.
%
Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
%
Hackers do it with bugs.
%
Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
%
Hackers have kernel knowledge.
%
Hackers know all the right MOVs.
%
Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half
are about penis size.  And what I want to know is, if all you're doing
is jerking off, why do you care how big it is?
		-- From alt.sex
%
Halt!!  Who goes there, friend or enema?
%
Handsome woman. -- Lovely bust.
Fine young fellow. -- Stirred-up lust. --
	Babies' diapers. --
	Bottom wipers. --
Years of struggle. -- Coffin. -- Dust.
%
Handy hint:
	A tea bag or two can be a dandy substitute
	when you're out of tampons.
%
Hang gliders come down very slowly.
%
Hangover, n:
	The burden of proof.
%
HAPPINESS:
	Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative.
%
Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is to
mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding.  The principal difference
between the husbandryman and the historian is that the former breeds sheep
or cows or such, and the latter breeds (assumed) facts.  The husbandryman uses
his skills to enrich the future; the historian uses his to enrich the past.
Both are usually up to their ankles in bullshit.
		-- Tom Robbins
%
Harold had never wanted a woman so much in his life, upon overhearing the
22- year-old beauty remark that he was too old and out of shape for her.  The
determined septuagenarian immediately embarked upon a rigorous self-improvement
program.  He had his face lifted, bought a toupee, ran five miles every day,
lifted weights and adopted a strict vegetarian diet.  Within months, the
rejuvenated man won the young woman's heart, and she agreed to marry him.
	On the way out of the chapel, however, Harold was fatally struck
by lightning.  Furious, he confronted Saint Peter at the pearly gates.  "How
could you do this to me after all the pain I went through?"
	"To be honest, Harold," Saint Peter sheepishly replied, "I didn't
recognize you."
%
Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and so was astonished
when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his
boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week,
off.  Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting
that he go straight to bed.  Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice,
he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with
a stretcher.
	"But doctor," he protested, "I feel fine."
Well, this was a puzzler, conceded the doctor, who proceeded to refer to the
enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself.
	"Looks good, feels good...  No, you look like hell.  Looks good,
feels terrible...  Nah, you feel fine, right?"
Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said,
	"Looks terrible, feels terrible...  Nope, that won't do it either."
Finally, "Looks terrible, feels terrific... Aha!!  You're a vagina!"
%
Have you ever really thought about there being a simple solution to
America's problems?  Why, we could solve all of our raw materials
difficulties, foreign complications etc. over a long weekend.  If we
got up early, early mind you, on Saturday, we could take over Mexico
by 10:00.  Panama and most of South America would be a bit more difficult,
but I believe we could do it by 6 or 7 that evening.  Turning our
attention northward, Canada would require most of Sunday morning.
General mopping up and execution of the civilian populations would take
up Sunday afternoon.  I just don't understand why Washington hasn't
thought of this...
%
Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like to have a woman
President?  "I can't deal with the Russians today.  Not now.  I've got
my period."
		-- Steven Moore
%
Have you ever tried to tickle yourself?  Everybody has some wacko aunt or
uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter.  But
if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't
laugh.  Somehow your underarm just knows that it's *your* fist.  Thank God
other parts of our bodies are dumber.
%
Have you ever wondered what makes Californians so calm?  Besides drugs, I
mean.  The answer is hot tubs.  A hot tub is a redwood container filled with
water that you sit in naked with members of the opposite sex, none of whom
is necessarily your spouse.  After a few hours in their hot tubs, Californians
don't give a damn about earthquakes or mass murderers.  They don't give a
damn about anything , which is why they are able to produce "Laverne and
Shirley" week after week.
		-- Dave Barry
%
Have you heard about Magda Lupescu,
Who came to Rumania's rescue?
	It's a wonderful thing
	To be under a king--
Is democracy better, I esk you?
%
Have you heard of knock-kneed Samuel McGuzzum
Who married Samantha, his bow-legged cousin?
	Some people say,
	Love finds a way,
But for Sam and Samantha it doesn'.
%
Have you heard of the lady named Cox
Who had a capacious old box?
	When her lover was in place
	She said, "Please turn your face.
I look like a gal, but I screw like a fox."
%
Have you heard of those trollops of Birmingham
And the scandal that's currently concerning'em?
	How they lift the frock
	And tickle the cock
Of the bishop while he was confirming 'em?
%
Have you seen how Sonny's burning,
Like some bright erotic star,
He lights up the proceedings,
And raises the temperature.
		-- The Birthday Party, "Sonny's Burning"
%
Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
attempts... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
		-- R.E. Masters
%
Having lost his potency years before, the octogenarian was desperate to
satisfy his new 18-year-old wife.  He visited a gypsy woman with magical
powers.
	After the man downed a foul-tasting potion, the gypsy said, "There.
Now the words beep-beep will give you an enormous erection.  Repeating
the phrase will make it disappear.  But remember," she cautioned, "it will
work only three times.  Make use of them wisely."
	As the old man left, he decided to test her prediction.  "Beep-beep,"
he said, and sure enough, he got the biggest erection of his life.
"Beep-beep", he repeated.  It went away.
	He sped through traffic on his way home.  "Beep-beep," honked a taxi.
The old man gasped as he instantly got hard.
	"Beep-beep," honked a truck.  His erection wilted.
	Pulling into his driveway at last, the frantic man rushed inside
and found his nubile wife lying on the bed reading a novel.
	"Have I got a surprise for you," he said, tearing off his clothes.
"Beep-beep!"
	"Hold on a second," his wife said, eyeing his magnificent erection.
"What's all this beep-beep shit?"
%
Having made a remark rather coarse,
A young lady was seized with remorse;
	She fled from the room,
	And later, a groom
Saw her rolling about in the gorse.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
He:	Am I... am I your first?
She:	Well, honey, I could have sworn your face looked familiar...
%
He:	"Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
She:	"No, thanks, I've already got one asshole in there now."
%
He:	So, what do you say to little fuck?
She:	I say, "get lost, little fuck."
%
He boil my first cabbage, make it awfully hot,
But when he put in the bacon, oooh, you know it overflow the pot.
		-- Bessie Smith, "Empty Bed Blues"
%
He carried me over the stream, striding through the current, his strong,
muscular, thighs scarcely hesitating as he sure-footedly forded the water.
But what was that bulge, small, oblong, solid, that might have been, say,
a pocket camera?
		-- An Exciting Journey
%
He dove down overweighted with lead.
Passed one hundred and flat lost his head.
	He flapped and he flailed,
	Spit his hose and he wailed,
Swallowed water and found himself dead.
%
He drank with curvy Mable,
The pace was fast and furious,
He slid beneath the table,
Not drunk but merely curious.
%
He grabbed me by my slender neck,
I could not call or scream.
He dragged me to his tiny room,
Where we could not be seen.
He tore away my filmy wrap,
And gazed upon my form.
I so cold and frightened,
While he so strong and warm.
He pressed me to his thirsty lips,
I gave him every drop.
He drained me of my very self,
I could not make him stop!
And that is why you see me here,
An empty, broken bottle of beer...
%
He had heard that a certain whorehouse had a reputation for the bizarre.
So he drove to the place and, once inside, asked the Madam if she had anything
unusual for him to try.  "Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I
do have one number you might enjoy."  She went on to describe a New Jersey
hen that had been trained to do blow jobs.
	"We've got her here, but only for the day."
	The visitor could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went
into a room with a hen.  After a frustrating hour of trying to force his
cock into the hen's mouth, he figured out that he was dealing with nothing
but a plain old chicken.  He left.  Thinking about it later, he decided
that he had had so much fun trying that he returned the few days later and
asked the Madam, "Do you have anything new today?"
	"Come this way," she said, and led him to a dark room where a group
of men were looking through a one-way mirror.  He saw that they were watching
a girl making it with a large doberman pinscher.
	"Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him.  "This is really
great!"
	The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'!  You shoulda been here
a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!"
%
He hated to mend, so young Ned
Called in a cute neighbor instead.
	Her husband said, "Vi,
	When you stitched up his torn fly,
Did you have to bite off the thread?"
%
He played smooch and stinkfinger with Daisy
Till this virgin was gotch-eyed and hazy.
	Then his gargantuan pole in
	Her pink, tight, and swollen
Young cunt just about drove her crazy.
%
He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now.
%
He was not only a great swordsman, but also a cunning linguist.
%
He was so gay he'd never lean his ass on a baseball bat --
scared it'd get serious.
%
He was so ugly hookers used to tell him, "Not on the first date."
%
He was the world's only armless sculptor.  He put the chisel in his mouth
and his wife hit him on the back of the head with a mallet.
		-- Fred Allen
%
He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor --
Hell, they HAD to make him President of the United States.
It's the only job he's qualified for!
		-- Michael Cain
%
He who farts in church must sit in his own pew.
%
He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot,
pink damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
%
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
%
He who trains his tongue to quote the learned
sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.
		-- Howard Kandel
%
Hear about...
	one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you
	have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off?
%
Hear about...
	the 97-year-old prostitute who got herself listed in the Yellow
	Pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in the book?
%
Hear about...
	the absent minded nurse who made the patient without disturbing
	the bed?
%
Hear about...
	the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
	started chiseling on his wife?
%
Hear about...
	the absent-minded exhibitionist who was arrested for exposing
	his whatchamacalit?
%
Hear about...
	the ambitious secretary who walked into her boss's office and
	demanded a salary on next week's advance?
%
Hear about...
	the Ayatollah Khomeini Doll?
	Wind it up and it takes Ken and Barbie hostage.
%
Hear about...
	the basketball player who was so tall that his girlfriend had to
	go up on him?
%
Hear about...
	the careless canary that did it for a lark?
%
Hear about...
	the careless contortionist who accidentally swallowed his pride?
%
Hear about...
	the cinema buff that's very excited by current trends in films?
	The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
	which end it will be.
%
Hear about...
	the compulsive gambler who drove to Las Vegas, pulled up to
	a parking meter, put a dime in -- and lost his car?
%
Hear about...
	the couple on the stalled elevator who got off between floors?
%
Hear about...
	the cross-eyed shoe fetishist who was always getting off on the
	wrong foot?
%
Hear about...
	the doctor that prescribed sex for insommia?  His patients didn't
	get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake.
%
Hear about...
	the drunken midget who walked into a home for girls and kissed
	everybody in the joint?
%
Hear about...
	the elderly gentleman who was stung on the privates by a bee and
	asked the doctor to relieve the pain but leave the swelling?
%
Hear about...
	the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and
	next morning found she was six months pregnant?
%
Hear about...
	the farmer who couldn't keep his
	hands off his wife so he fired them?
%
Hear about...
	the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife, so he
	fired them?
%
Hear about...
	The fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed
	her between the limbs?
%
Hear about...
	the fellow who got ten years for pumping Ethyl behind the station?
%
Hear about...
	the fellow who maintains a special register of particularly
	accommodating girls?  He refers to it as his little blew book.
%
Hear about...
	the fellow who was descended from a long line his mother heard?
%
Hear about...
	the fine, upstanding young woman who's wonderful laying down?
%
Hear about...
	the freaky WAC who was court-martialed for contributing to the
	delinquency of a major?
%
Hear about...
	the French soldier who kissed his wife's cheeks before he went
	to the front?
%
Hear about...
	the freshman coed who decided not to sign up for a course in sex
	education when she heard the final exam would be oral?
%
Hear about...
	the frustrated musician who worked all week on an arrangement and
	then his wife didn't leave town?
%
Hear about...
	the fun-loving young lady who insists she won't even consider
	marriage until she's gotten some experience under her belt?
%
Hear about...
	the gay tattoo artist who had designs on several of the local
	sailors?
%
Hear about...
	the girl that wanted to impress her new boyfriend,
	so she put on her low-cut dress to show him a thing or two?
%
Hear about...
	the girl who called her boyfriend Amaretto, 'cause he was
	such a sweet liquor?
%
Hear about...
	the girl who was so undesirable that she even turned her vibrator
	off?
%
Hear about...
	the girl with the big wardrobe who started with just a little slip?
%
Hear about...
	the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy?  Just kind of lost
	his ball bearings.
%
Hear about...
	the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy -- you might say he
	lost his ball bearings?
%
Hear about...
	the guy who had his vasectomy done by Sears?
	Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.
%
Hear about...
	the guy who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that
	he'd never be able to face his girl again?
%
Hear about...
	the guy who was an incurable romantic until penicillin came along?
%
Hear about...
	the guy who was so well endowed that he had a fiveskin?
%
Hear about...
	the handsome bachelor Senator who hired a ravishing blonde as his
	assistant and then made her the object of a long Congressional probe?
%
Hear about...
	the high school drum major who dated two of the majorettes and
	so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers?
%
Hear about...
	the hurricane that recently struck Fire Island -- Hurricane Bruce?
%
Hear about...
	the inexperienced stenographer who discovered that she could lose
	a lot more than letters behind the files?
%
Hear about...
	the insurance salesman who says his greatest successes are
	with young housewives who aren't adequately covered?
%
Hear about...
	the little boy that found a fifty cent
	piece, so he went home for some money?
%
Hear about...
	the little boy that found a fifty cent piece, so he went home
	for some money?
%
Hear about...
	the loner who gave up his solitary vice for Lent?  Except on
	Palm Sunday, of course.
%
Hear about...
	the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New
	York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman?
%
Hear about...
	the man who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that
	he'd never be able to face his girl again?
%
Hear about...
	the mother of 12 who was called upon to use her diaphragm so often
	that she kept it tacked to the headboard of her bed?
%
Hear about...
	the new breakfast cereal called Queerios?  You simply add milk
	and they eat each other.
%
Hear about...
	the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers".  They don't go snap,
	crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang?
%
Hear about...
	the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in
	Los Angeles single bars?  It's called Bang Americard.
%
Hear about...
	the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in
	single bars -- BANG AMERICARD?
%
Hear about...
	the new rule at the girls' school?
	Lights out by ten, candles by eleven.
%
Hear about...
	the new vitamin made from chicken blood,
	it makes men cocky and women lay better?
%
Hear about...
	the nurse they thought had drowned
	until they found her under the doc?
%
Hear about...
	the nymphomaniac teenager popularly known as Little Often Annie?
%
Hear about...
	the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle?
%
Hear about...
	the perverted australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney?
%
Hear about...
	the poor Greek fisherman who got his upper torso wedged into
	a porthole and couldn't get out to save his ass?
%
Hear about...
	the real smart girl who could play post-office all night
	without getting any mail in her box?
%
Hear about...
	the recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the
	men who have tried Camels have gone back to women?
%
Hear about...
	the San Franciscan who backed off the bus because he thought
	someone would grab his seat?
%
Hear about...
	the secretary that got fired because she had one too mini?
%
Hear about...
	the sultan who had ten wives, nine of them had it soft.
%
Hear about...
	the swinger who labeled his little black book "Future Shack"?
%
Hear about...
	the tight end who got two years for possession and came out a
	wide receiver?
%
Hear about...
	the truck driver who pulled out to avoid a child and fell
	off the sofa?
%
Hear about...
	the ultimate in singles bars.  It's a place where girls have
	to show their I.U.D.'s to be admitted?
%
Hear about...
	the woman who claimed that two martinis usually made her
	feel like a new man?
%
Hear about...
	the woman who says two martinis usually make her feel like a
	new man?
%
Hear about...
	the young lady attacked in San Francisco?
	By two men, one held her down while the other one did her hair.
%
Hear about...
	the young thing who is fondly known to the men in the office as
	Secretariat -- not just because she's a good secretary but because
	she's a wonderful mount?
%
Hear about the...
	guy who wore a tux to his vasectomy, because he figured that
	if he was going to be impotent he might as well look impotent.
%
Hear that...
	bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
	Census Taker".  It's about a guy who comes once every ten years?
%
Hear that...
	the Masters and Johnson clinic may well be the only organization
	in the world from which a man resigns when he becomes a member
	in good standing?
%
Hear that...
	the only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your
	collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears?
%
Hear that...
	the Pope's next pronouncement on birth control is to be titled
	"Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians"?
%
Hear that...
	there's an establishment near the White House that caters to kinky
	tastes?  There's a House whip in attendance, of course?
%
Hear that...
	those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male
	version -- with nuts of course?
%
Heard tell that the Iron Magnolia wanted to divorce ol' Jimmy.
Seems he's screwing everyone but her.
%
He'd kiss and the girls called him Georgie
They'd cry and the girls called him Porgie.
	So he put Spanish fly
	In their pudding and pie
And had the first tiny-tot orgy.
%
Heisenberg may have done it.
%
"Hell, no," said the Duchess of Quick,
"I won't suck his filthy old prick!
	It's not that I funk
	At a mouthful of spunk,
But the smell of his ass makes me sick!"
%
"Hello?  Enema Bondage?  I'm calling because I want to be happy, I guess..."
		-- Zippy the Pinhead
%
Hello, children!!
	This is Uncle Dennis welcoming you to your very own fortune.
	Today we are going to hear a story, so sit right here on my lap
	and we can all start.  Comfortable?  Ah, yes, ah... Ah? Ah!!

	One day, Rikki, the magic Pixie, went to visit Daisy Bumble in her
	tumbledown cottage.  He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he
	grabbed her heaving ******* pulling her down on the bed and
	hurriedly ripping off her thin *******.

	Old Nick, the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow.
	He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the
	pier where the men dressed as ladies ****** **** ******* *******
	of ***** ****** **** the ****** with a melon.

	Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the Magic
	oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum tree in the shade of the enchanted
	glen down in Dingly Dell.  Here he sold contraceptives, ********
	and various appliances *** ******** *** ***** naked fun and *****
	the ******** ******* *** into six or seven pairs.
%
Help!  I'm a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body!
                -- Bisexuality, 101
%
Help Stamp Out Rape!  (Say Yes.)
%
HENPECKED HUSBAND:
	One who's afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he's sterile.
%
Her brother, a bastard named Ben,
Could rotate his pecker, and then
	He would shoot through his rear
	Which made him dear
Of the girls, and the envy of men.
%
Her daughter, thought worried Ms. Coffin,
Had morals the city might soften.
	So she phoned and asked, "Lynn,
	Are you living in sin?"
Lynn said, "No -- but I visit there often."
%
Her kisses left something to be desired: the rest of her.
%
Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin',
Just gave birth to another Texan.
%
Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with the issue
of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul Stevens came up with
the famous quotation about how he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it
when he saw it.  So for a while, the court's policy was to have all the
suspected pornography trucked to Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it
over.  "Nope, this isn't it," he'd say.  "Bring some more."  This went on until
one morning when his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under
an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling
stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was
illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the
court was going to take a nap.
		-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
Here's a toast to Screwy Dick,
The man who was born with a corkscrew prick.
He spent his life in a futile hunt,
To find a woman with a spiral cunt.
And when he did, he dropped stone dead,
'Cause the blasted thing had a left-hand thread!
%
Here's to the girl in little red shoes,
She drinks my liquor, she drinks my booze,
She has no cherry, but that's no sin,
She has the box the cherry came in.
%
Here's to the girl that's dressed in black,
She's dressed so neat there's nothing to lack
She feels so fine and kisses so sweet
She makes things stand that have no feet.
%
Here's to the girl that's sweet,
Here's to the girl that's true,
Here's to the girl in all our hearts...

In other words, guys, what do you say we all go downtown for
the rest of the night?
%
Here's to the woman beautiful and divine
she flowers every month bears fruit every nine
she's the only creature 'tween heaven and hell
can get the juice from a nut without cracking the shell.
%
Here's to women.  Would that we could fall into her arms without falling
into her hands.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
HERMIT:
	A man who'd rather get off by himself.
%
HERPES:
	The final proof that 'tis better to give than to receive.
	Much better.
%
He's a son-of-a-bitch, but he's our son-of-a-bitch.
		-- FDR on Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza
%
He's gallantry personified, in fact, his brochures ought to
read satisfaction guaranteed, or your virginity returned intact.
%
He's learned about 50% of the rules of sex and conversation;
he knows how to stick it in, but not how to stick it out.
%
Hey baby!
	How 'bout a brutal face fuck?
%
HEY KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
	A great way to prevent the tragedy of unwanted pregnancy is to
become a homosexual.  Every year, millions of young men and women, just
like you, are making the clean change to worry-free homosexuality.
They're having more sex than ever, and more fun than ever.  Send 50 cents
today for my leaflet "Gay sexual techniques".  Be sure to specify the
male or female edition.
%
HEY, KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
	Masturbation isn't as simple as it looks.  Do it right!
Send 50 cents for my illustrated booklet "Masturbation techniques
for the teenager".  Be sure to specify the male or female edition.
%
HEY KIDS!  ANN LANDERS SAYS:
	Remember, oral sex CAN cause pregnancy, unless you use an
oral contraceptive.  See your family planning clinic today!
%
Hickory Dickory Dock,
Three mice ran up a clock!
The clock struck one,
Right in the balls!

There was an old woman,
Who lived in a shoe,
Who had so many children,
Her uterus fell right out.
%
Higgledy Piggledy		Coeducational
Yale University			Extracurricular
Gave up misogyny		Heterosexual
Opened its door.		Fun is in store.
%
Hire the handicapped -- they're fun to watch!
%
His shy bride admitted to Crandall
That for years she'd worked off with a candle,
	But a cock like his dick
	Gave her ten times the kick,
Though it stained her wee peehole to handle!
%
Home is where the hurt is.
		-- Strange de Jim
%
Honest, officer, had I known my health was
in jeopardy, why, I'd never have lit one!
%
HONOR:
	Almost as good as in 'er.
%
horny, adj:
	When your cock gets hard if the wind blows.
%
Horsecrap, little brother.  There's always something more to be done.
Another palm to be greased.  Another back to be scratched.  Another
weak sister to be shored up.
		-- J.R. Ewing
%
HOT TUB TIPS FOR WOMEN
	Vol. I -- Etiquette

1. It's not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, and then
	scream at the top of your lungs, "Oh, yes, YES, BABY!"
2. Washing your partner's back is sexy.  Washing your panty hose is not.
3. Nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience; don't spoil
	it for everyone with a thoughtless remark, such as "My God, I've
	seen bigger wangs on hamsters!"
4. It's O.K. to pass a joint while tubbing.  Don't pass anything else.
5. Don't think you're fooling anybody by passing off your vibrator as a
	toy submarine.
%
How can you say that the world isn't
Jewish, when the sun's real name is Sol?
%
How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection?
%
How do you like the new America?  We've cut the fat out of the
government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
gone some time ago).  All we seem to have left now is muscle.
We'll be lucky to escape with our skins!
%
How should they answer?
		-- Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) in reply to the question
		"Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?"
%
How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers?
Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room.
%
HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28
	Semen stains can be removed from computer terminals with
	Fantastik or the like.  Use Windex on the glass however, and
	be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between
	the keys.
%
Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
		-- John Valby
%
Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
%
Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the
bush, shoot more often and *always* eat what they shoot.
%
Hypocrisy is the vaseline of social intercourse.
%
hypocrite, n:
	A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy.
%
I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this
country what it once was... an arctic wilderness.
		-- Steve Martin
%
I bet you think you're pretty cool driving around without auto insurance.
You're probably saying to yourself, "I'm beating the system."  But what's
going to happen when you get pulled over and lose your license because
you're not insured.  What girl's going to ride shotgun on a ten-speed on
a Saturday Night?  Yeah, you're going to be beating more than the system...
		-- auto insurance ad, heard on KNAC, Long Beach.
%
I call Christianity the one great curse, the one enormous and innermost
perversion, the one great instinct of revenge, for which no means are
too venomous, too underhand, too underground and too petty -- I call it
the one immortal blemish of mankind.
		-- Fredrich Nietzsche
%
I call it the "Madman Theory".  I want the North Vietnamese to believe that
I've reached the point where I might do *anything* to stop the war.  We'll
just slip the word to them that "For God's sake, you know, Nixon is obsessed
about Communism.  We can't restrain him when he's angry -- and he has his
hand on the nuclear button."
		-- Richard Nixon
%
I came; I saw; I fucked up.
%
I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan prostitute
dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very bored with washing
and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after relentless day.
		-- Betty MacDonald
%
I can understand companionship.  I can understand bought sex in the
afternoon.  I cannot understand the love affair.
		-- Gore Vidal
%
I can't quite put my finger on it, but something about you pisses me off.
		-- Peter Knight
%
I choked Linda Lovelace.
%
I continued wetting my bed for a long time, not just out of contrariness,
but to have the pleasure of feeling my warm urine running down my legs
and wallowing in its odor.
		-- Salvador Dali
%
I did not look behind me, 'till I got to St. Omer's & thence fled to America;
here I offer'd to become a Spy for the English Government which was scornfully
rejected; I then turned to Plunder & Libel the Yankees, for which I was fined
5000 Dollars & kicked out of the Country!  I came back to England (after
absconding for Seven years) & set up the Crown & Mitre to establish my Loyalty!
-- accepted from the Doctor L400 to print & disperse a pamphlet against "the
Hellfire of Reform" ... but applied the Money to purchase an estate at Botley,
& left ye Doctor to pay the Paper & Printing!  Being now Lord of the Manor, I
began by sowing the seeds of discontent through Hampshire; I oppressed the
Poor, sent the Aged to Hell, & damned the eyes of my Parish Apprentices before
they were open'd in the morning! ... and being now supported by a Band of
Reformers, I renewed my old favorite Toast of Damnation to the House of
Brunswick! & being exalted by the sale of 10,000 Political Registers every
week, I find myself the greatest Man in the World! except that Idol of all my
Adorations, his Royal and Imperial Majesty, NAPOLEONE!
		-- William Cobbett, British journalist
%
I dined with Lord Hughing Fitz-Bluing
Who said, "Do you squirm when you're screwing?"
	I replied, "Simple shagging
	Without any wagging
Is only for screwing canoeing."
%
"I do love a lay every day,
So whenever you're coming this way
	Just phone in advance
	And I'll jerk off my pants,
And we're set for a sexy soiree!"
%
I don't care who you are, Fatso.  Get those reindeer off my roof.
%
I don't discriminate on the basis of sex.
                -- Bisexuality, 101

        [An equal opportunity lover?  Ed.]
%
I don't drink water; fish fuck in it.
		-- W.C. Fields
%
I don't give a shit what happens.  I want you all to stonewall it.  Let
them plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up, or anything else if it'll save
the plan.
		-- Richard Nixon
%
I don't know why women get so upset, they have half the
money and all the pussy.
		-- Gary Bussy, "DC Cab"
%
I don't love you, asshole, I love your daughter.
		-- The Undergraduate
%
I Don't Mind If You Lie to Me, As Long As I Ain't Lyin' Alone
I Wouldn't Take You to a Dog Fight Even If I Thought You Could Win
If You Leave Me, Walk Out Backwards So I'll Think You're Comin' In
Since You Learned to Lip-Sync, I'm At Your Disposal
My John Deere Was Breaking Your Field, While Your Dear John Was
	Breaking My Heart
Don't Cry, Little Darlin', You're Waterin' My Beer
Tennis Must Be Your Racket, 'Cause Love Means Nothin' to You
When You Say You Love Me, You're Full of Prunes, 'Cause Living
	With You Is the Pits
I Wanted Your Hand in Marriage but All I Got Was the Finger
		-- proposed Country-Western song titles from "Wordplay"
%
"I don't really mind her being unfaithful," sighed the man to his
marriage counselor, "but I just can't sleep three in a bed."
%
I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is
one of nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy.
%
I don't understand what all the fuss was about in Los Angeles.
It's not like we looted Brooks Brothers when Oliver North got off.
		-- P.J. O'Rourke
%
I don't want to say that she had big tits, but one day I asked her
	just how big they was, and she said, "7 and 7/8".
I said, "7 and 7/8?!  What did you measure 'em with?"
And she replied, "A Stetson."
%
"I finally found out what my ranch foreman husband really meant,"
sobbed the recent bride, "when he told me he'd love me 'til the
cows came home."
%
I grew up in an Italian family, you know, the strange thing about
Italians -- they're so Jewish.
		-- Kay Ballard
%
I had a dream that all the victims of The Pill came back...
boy, were they mad!
		-- Stephen Wright
%
I had a virgin once.  I had to go to Florida for her.  She was twelve
years old, blind in one eye, and carried a stuffed alligator labeled
"Made in Taiwan".
		-- The Stunt Man
%
I have a funny daddy
Who goes in and out with me
And everything that baby does
Daddy's sure to see,
And everything that baby says,
My daddy's sure to tell.
You must have read my daddy's verse.
I hope he fries in Hell.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
"I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls,"
the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for
the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that
it was enough to make a blown man cry."
%
I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.
		-- Will Rogers
%
I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon.  Come, let us
take our fill of love until the morning.
		-- Proverbs 7:17-18
%
I heard there was a lot of sex on television these days,
but when I tried it I kept falling off.
%
I knew Leo G. Carrol
Was over a barrel
When Tarantula took to the hills.	["Lick it!"]
And I really got hot
When I saw Jeanette Scott
Fight a triffid that spits poison and kills.

Science fiction, double feature
Doctor X will build a creature.
See androids fighting Brad and Janet
Anne Francis stars in Forbidden Planet
Oh Oh Oh Oh Oh
At the late night, double feature, picture show.
		-- The Rocky Horror Picture Show
%
I know a Polack his name is Cliff,
Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
He sticks it in the freezer to get it stiff,
Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.

I know a girl, her name is Serafina,
Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
She'll get down on all fours for a bowl of Purina,
Hey-la-de-la-de-lo.

I know a girl, her name is Cuffy,
Hey-la-de-la-de-la.
She douches with Tide and makes her pubes fluffy,
Hey la-de-la-de-lo.
		-- Doctor Dirty
%
I know of a fortunate Hindu
Who is sought in the towns that he's been to
	By the ladies he knows,
	Who are thrilled to the toes
By the tricks that he makes his foreskin do.
%
I know what you're up to, you white-feathered fiend!
Go release your bowels on some lesser personage!
		-- W.C. Fields, upon seeing a bird overhead
%
I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire -- God wouldn't trust
an Englishman in the dark.
		-- Duncan Spaeth
%
I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
%
I married an Italian girl; the way you marry an Italian girl in my family
is to bring a New Yorker home first.
%
I may not be able to walk, but I drive from a sitting position.
%
I met a young man in Chungking
Who had a very long thing --
	But you'll guess my surprise
	When I found that its size
Just measured a third-finger ring!
%
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come
into my neighborhood after dark.
		-- Dick Gregory
%
I never did give anybody hell.  I just told the truth and they thought
it was hell.
		-- Harry S. Truman
%
I never had Miss Defauw,
But it wouldn't have been quite so raw
	If she'd only said "No"
	When I wanted her so;
But she didn't -- she laughed and said "Naw!"
%
I never met a woman I couldn't drink pretty.
%
I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
		-- Lyndon Baines Johnson
%
I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
		-- Lyndon Johnson
%
I once had the wife of a Dean
Seven times while the Dean was out skiin'.
	She remarked with some gaiety,
	"Not bad for the laiety,
Though the Bishop once managed thirteen."
%
I once met a lassie named Ruth
In a long distance telephone booth.
	Now I know the perfection
	Of an ideal connection
Even if somewhat uncouth.
%
I once was annoyed by a queer
Who made his intentions quite clear.
	Said I, "I'm no prude,
	So don't think me rude,
But I'm already stewed, screwed, and tattooed."
%
I only date queers.
                -- Bisexuality, 101

        [I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is!  Ed.]
%
I played over the music of that scoundrel Brahms.  What a giftless
bastard!  It annoys me that this self-inflated mediocrity is hailed
as a genius.  Why, in comparison with him, Riff is a genius.
		-- Tchaikovsky, October 9, 1886, diary entry
%
I regret to say that we are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital
intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.
		-- J. Edgar Hoover
%
I shot a query into the net.
I haven't got an answer yet,		A posted message called me rotten
But seven people gave me hell		For ignoring mail I'd never gotten;
And said I ought to learn to spell;	An angry message asked me, Please
					Don't send such drivel overseas;
A lawyer sent me private mail
And swore he'd slap my ass in jail --	One netter thought it was a hoax:
I'd mentioned Un*x in my gem		"Hereafter, post to net dot jokes!";
And failed to add the T and M;		Another called my grammar vile
					And criticized my writing style.
Each day I scan each Subject line
In hopes the topic will be mine;
I shot a query into the net.
I haven't got an answer yet...
		-- Ed Nather
%
I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around
with his secretary.  If it's somebody else's secretary, fine.
		-- Barry Goldwater

I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
		-- Barry Goldwater
%
I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
		-- Barry Goldwater
%
I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell's ass.
		-- Senator Barry Goldwater, commenting on Jerry Falwell's
		   suggestion that all good Christians should be against
		   Sandra Day O'Connor's nomination to the Supreme Court
%
I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse
than anything else that has ever happened, and vice versa.
		-- Frank Zappa
%
I think the Mormon prophet
Was a very funny man.
I wonder how his wives enjoyed
His Prophet Sharing Plan.
%
I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom.
		-- Strange de Jim
%
I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about faeces.  What a lot we
had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized
dung of long-vanished animals.  A miraculous thing, really; a recovery
from the past from what was carelessly rejected.  And in the Middle
Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were
with the faeces of animals.  And what a variety of names they had for
them:  the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of
an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets
of a Deer.  Surely there might be some words for the material so near
to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit?
What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a
Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian,
the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties
of an Untenured Professor?
		-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
%
I want a girl that can swallow my pride.
		-- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess"
%
I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking.
		-- Dudley Moore
%
I was 15 years old before I found out that "damn yankee" was two words.
%
I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama.
I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts.
		-- Firesign Theatre
%
I was having sex just the other night, but she hung up.
%
I was on vacation in Greece last summer, and was being driven round an island
by a Greek cab-driver.  He was a friendly man, and as we drove, he told me
about various historic and scenic places he had been involved with.
	"See the entrance to that church over there?  I built that with my
two sons.  But do they call me `Dimitri the church builder'?  Do they hell!"
	As we passed a dam, he said, "See that dam?  Four of us built that
dam by ourselves!  But do they call me `Dimitri the dam builder?'  Hell, no!"
	As we passed a beautiful cottage, Dimitri started up again -- "See
that house?  I built that for my wife with my own two hands!  But do they
call me `Dimitri the home builder'?  No!  But just one little sheep!"
%
"I was plodding through the woods when suddenly a giant brown bear
grabbed me from behind and made me drop my gun.  He picked it up
and stuck it in my back."
	"What did you do?"
	"What *could* I do?  I married his daughter."
%
I went to a wild party last night.  I tell ya, it was so wild, we played
a new version of Russian roulette.  We passed around six girls and one
of them had V.D.
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
I wish I was a fascinating lady
With a past that was cheap and a future that was shady
I'd sleep all day and I'd work all night
I'd live in a house with a little red light
And once a month I'd take a small vacation
And leave all the men to their imagination
And once in a while I'd go all wild
And have myself an illegitimate child
I wish I were a fascinating lady
Instead I'm the minister's child
%
I wish that my room had a floor;
I don't so much care for a door,
	But this walking around
	Without touching the ground
Is getting to be quite a bore!
		-- Gelett Burgess
%
I wish that my room had a floor;
I don't so much care for a door,
	But this walking around
	Without touching the ground
Is getting to be quite a bore!
		-- Gelett Burgess
%
I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
Wonder if the wife will fuss and fight?
	I wonder can she tell
	That I've been raising hell;
Wonder if she'll know that I've been tight?

My wife is just as nice as can be,
I hope she doesn't feel too nice toward me.
	For an afternoon of joy,
	Is hell on the old boy,
I wonder what the wife will want tonight!
%
I wooed a stewed nude in Bermuda,
I was lewd, but my God! she was lewder.
	She said it was crude
	To be wooed in the nude--
I persued her, subdued her, and screwed her!
%
I would like to say, Mister Bunce,
I'm a great connoisseur of hot cunts.
	And in all my lewd life
	I've met none like your wife,
So why leave her to me, you big dunce?
%
I wouldn't fuck her with your prick.
%
I wouldn't mind dying -- it's that business of
having to stay dead that scares the shit out of me.
		-- R. Geis
%
I'd like to give the world a hug
And tell it jokes and stuff
And pull its pants down to its knees
And chase it through the rough

Then tie it up with bonds and straps
And search its purse for change
Then leave it out at Moose Grin Hall
With our cousin who's deranged ...
		-- National Lampoon, to an old Coke commercial
%
I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
%
"I'd like to start a new religion.  One that doesn't use a dead young
man as its logo."
		-- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy"
%
I'd rather have fingers than toes,
I'd rather have ears than a nose,
	And a happy erection
	Brought just to perfection
Makes me terribly sad when it goes.
%
I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump.
%
If being bi increases your chance of getting a date,
does being poly increase your chance of getting dumped?
%
If continence causes neurosis
And intercourse causes thrombosis
	I'd rather expire
	Fulfilling desire
Than live in a state of psychosis.
%
If girls are all sugar and spice, why do they taste like anchovies?
%
If God doesn't destroy San Francisco,
He should apologize to Sodom and Gomorrah.
%
If God had meant for Texans to ski he would have made bullshit white.
%
If God had meant for us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs.
		-- Malcolm Bradbury
%
If God had wanted people to give blow
jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth.
%
If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy,
would He have made it look like a taco?
%
If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
%
If I could reach, I'd never leave the house.
		-- George Carlin
%
If I had a penis I'd wear it outside,
In cafes and car lots, with pomp and with pride.
If I had a penis I'd pamper it proper
I'd stay in the tub and use me as the stopper.
If I had a penis I'd take it to parties
Stretch it and stroke it and shove it at smarties.
I'd take it to pet shows and teach it to stay.
I'd stuff it in turkeys on Thanksgiving Day.

I'd rival my buddies in sportscars and stick shifts.
I'd shower my spire with girlies and gifts.
I'd peek around corners; I'd aim at my toilet;
I'd poke it at foreigners and soap it and oil it.
If I had a penis I'd run to my mother;
Comb out the hair and compare it to brother.
I'd lance her, I'd knight her, my hands would indulge...
Pants would seem tighter and buckle and bulge.
[Chorus]
	A penis to plunder, a penis to push
	'Cause one in the hand is worth one in the bush.
	A penis to love me, a penis to share,
	To pick up and play with when nobody's there.
		-- Uncle Bonsai, "Penis Envy"
%
If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it.
		-- Tommy Earl Bruner
%
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
If it's not one thing, it's a mother.
%
If Jesus Christ came to this town, people would say, great guy; terrible
carpenter.
		-- Gene Kirkwood, on Hollywood
%
If just one piece of mail gets lost, well, they'll just think they forgot
to send it.  But if *two* pieces of mail get lost, hell, they'll just think
the other guy hasn't gotten around to answering his mail.  And if *fifty*
pieces of mail get lost, can you imagine it, if *fifty* pieces of mail get
lost, why they'll think someone *else* is broken!  And if 1Gb of mail gets
lost, they'll just *know* that Arpa [ucbarpa.berkeley.edu] is down and
think it's a conspiracy to keep them from their God given right to receive
Net Mail ...
 		-- Casey Leedom
%
If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon.
%
If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament.
%
If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads.
%
If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to
masturbate.
		-- Diogenes the Cynic
%
If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country.
		-- Mel Brooks
%
If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong.
%
If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would
suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra.  But it is
only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them
in 1966, only two went back to women.
		-- Mort Sahl
%
If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em.
If they can, then fuck 'em.
%
If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out.
If thy dick offends thee, whack it off.
%
If women ran the military complex, would the missiles be shaped differently?
%
If you could get an erection, you would have no need for Emacs.
%
If you don't ride a camel to work, you ain't Sheeite.
%
If you find for your verse there's no call,
And you can't afford paper at all,
	For the true poet born,
	However forlorn,
There is always the lavat'ry wall.
%
If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
If you were attacked by a homosexual, would you beat him off?
%
If your thesis is utterly vacuous,
Employ first-order predicate calculus.
	With sufficient formality,
	The sheerest banality,
Will be hailed by all as miraculous!
%
If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic
abstinence and complete continence; (you know, rhythm and blues).
%
If you're going to break up with your old lady and you live in a small
town, make sure you don't break up at three in the morning.  Because you're
screwed -- there's nothing to do ... So make it about nine in the morning,
... bullshit around, worry her a little, then come back at seven in the
night.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
If you're gonna sleep with someone whose moral code may be written
in Fortran for all you know, at least make sure there's an existing
friendship of some sort to fall back on if things don't work out
like one or the other of you planned.
%
If you're really into astrology, tell me, what happens
when Mercury is in the Fish, and Jupiter enters the Virgin?
%
If you're speaking of actions immoral
The how about giving the laurel
	To doughty Queen Esther,
	No three men could best her --
One fore, and one aft, and one oral.
%
Il y a une jeune fille amoureuse
D'un homme qu'a une conduite honteuse;
	Il la mene chaque soir
	A son caveau noir
Et la bat avec plaintes crapuleuses.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
Il y avait un jeune homme de dijon,
Qui n'avait que peu de religion.
	Il dit:"quant a' moi,
	Je deteste tous les trois,
Le pere, et le fils, et le pigeon-"
%
Il y avait un plombier, Francois,
Qui plombait sa femme dans le Bois.
	Dit-elle, "Arretez!
	J'entends quelqu'un venait."
Dit le plombier, en plombant, "C'est moi."
%
Il y avait une madame de Lahore
Dont la figure n'etait la meilleure,
	Mais la vagine tres forte,
	Toujours ouverte la porte,
Encore, et encore, et encore.
%
"I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor business ain't
doin' too well.  I ain't sold one all month.
	"You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied.  "The other day, I went
out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she
always does.  So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters.  When I sat
down again, she kicked me like she always does.  So I tied her leg to the
side of the stall.  When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking
aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall.  And I'll
tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was
gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"
%
I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
I'm a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body!
		-- The Queer Gospels of Madonna the Sloppily Conceived
%
I'm a lover not a dancer!
I'm a lover not a dancer!
Don't want to be on my feet,
When I can be on my back,
Don't want to be on the floor,
When I can be in the sack!
I'm a lover not a dancer!
I'm a lover not a dancer!
I'm just a little bit tired
If you know what I mean,
Don't want to be in a crowd
When I can be in a dream!
I'm a lover not a dancer!
Baby!
And, baby, let me prove it to you,
Baby, let me prove it to you!
		-- Jim Steinman, "Dance in my Pants"
%
I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know where to put my elbows.
		-- Martin Cruz Smith
%
I'm glad we don't have to play in the shade.
		-- Golfer Bobby Jones on being told that it was 105 degrees
		   in the shade.

Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is
dropped.
		-- Franklyn Ajaye
%
I'm going to Iowa for an award.  Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
it's sold out.  Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
		-- Groucho Marx
%
I'm Jewish.  Count Basie's Jewish.  Ray Charles is Jewish.  Eddie Cantor's
goyish.  The B'nai Brith is goyish.  The Hadassah is Jewish.  Marine Corps
-- heavy goyish, dangerous.  Kool-Aid is goyish.  All Drake's Cakes are
goyish.  Pumpernickel is Jewish and, as you know, white bread is very goyish.
Instant potatoes -- goyish.  Black cherry soda's very Jewish. Macaroons are
very Jewish.  Fruit salad is Jewish.  Lime Jell-O is goyish.  Lime soda is
very goyish.  Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won't go near them.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways.
		-- J.F. Kennedy
%
I'm not a pheasant plucker,
I'm a pheasant plucker's son.
I'm just a'plucking pheasants
'Til the pheasant plucker comes.
		-- The Irish Rovers
%
"I'm not against women.  Not often enough, anyway."
		-- NPR
%
I'm not laughing behind your back; everything funny is in front!
		-- Rodney Dangerfield's wife
%
I'm So Miserable Without You It's Almost Like Having You Here
		-- Song title by Stephen Bishop.

She Got the Gold Mine, I Got the Shaft
		-- Song title by Jerry Reed.

When My Love Comes Back from the Ladies' Room Will I Be Too Old to Care?
		-- Song title by Lewis Grizzard.

I Don't Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling
		-- Unattributed song title.

Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goal Posts of Life
		-- Unattributed song title.
%
I'm sorry I'm late folks, I just got out of jail.  I tried to change my
girlfriend's name.  Yeah, I went down to the hall of records.  I said, "I'd
like to change it... I'd like to change it to... LYING LITTLE BITCH!"
		-- Sam Kinison
%
I'm unbuttoning your shirt, unzipping your jeans....

Oh, I can feel your fingers on the keys, baby,
	I'm getting WARM....

I am getting there, oh yes,.  Oh, my. OH YES... OHHHH!
	...!!!rrrrrgh!!!!!

Honey, that was *really* terrific, but, next time,
couldn't you please input a little SLOWER?
%
Immanuel Kant was a real pissant who was very rarely stable.
Heidegger, Heidegger was a boozy beggar who could think you under the table.
David Hume could out-consume Schopenhauer and Hegel,
And Wittgenstein was a beery swine who was just as schloshed as Schlegel.
There's nothing Nietzsche couldn't teach ya 'bout the raising of the wrist.
Socrates, himself, was permanently pissed!

John Stuart Mill, of his own free will,
On half a pint of shandy was particularly ill.
Plato, they say, could stick it away, half a crate of whiskey every day.
Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle,
Hobbes was fond of his dram,
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart: "I drink, therefore I am".
Yes, Socrates, himself, is particularly missed;
A lovely little thinker but a bugger when he's pissed!
		-- Monty Python, "The Philosopher's Drinking Song"
%
impotent loser, n:
	Someone who can't even get his hopes up.
%
In 1953, Stalin dies.  The politburo holds a special meeting to decide
what to do about the body.  Nobody will let it be buried near their home.
Finally they decide:
	"Aha!  Call Israel!  Offer them ten million rubels; they'll let us
bury Stalin in Israel! Off goes the message and the politburo waits...
Finally a telegram comes back:
	"NO CHANCE STOP ONE RESURRECTION HERE ALREADY"
%
In a recent survey on why some men are homosexual, 82 percent of the gay
chaps responding said that either genetics or home environment was the
principal factor.  The remaining 18 percent revealed that they had been
sucked into it.
%
In bed Dr. Oscar McPugh
Spoke of Spengler -- and ate crackers too.
	His wife said, "Oh, stuff
	That philosophy guff
Up your ass, dear, and throw me a screw!"
%
In cosmetics, there's cases of revolutionary Venus Envy Hair Spray;
Legette Hair Fastener Heat Bags; Lady O' Spain Self-Blinding Eye Shadow
with Magic Puncture Pencil; Sanitary Napkin Rings in Little Miss, Moon
Maid and Stuck Pig Strength; and deported Italian Napagel Balls for
soaking or eating; and they're all slash-priced with the lady in mind...
		-- Firesign Theatre
%
In days of old, when knights were bold,
	And rubbers weren't invented,
They tied their socks around their cocks
	And babies were prevented.
%
In Duluth there's a hostess, forsooth,
Who doesn't know gin from vermouth,
	But this lubricant lapse
	Isn't noticed, perhaps
Because nobody does in Duluth.
%
In France they piss on Main Street
(In pissoirs, Mama, not cheap display).
		-- Joni Mitchell
%
In light of the New Morality, Playboy Inc. is offering a new version of
its magazine, for married men.  Every month it has the same centerfold.
%
In my sweet little Alice Blue gown
Was the first time I ever laid down,
	I was both proud and shy
	As he opened his fly
And the moment I saw it I thought I would die.

Oh it hung almost down to the ground,
As it went in I made not a sound,
	The more that he shoved it
	The more that I loved it,
As he came on my Alice Blue gown.
%
In my sweet little night gown of blue,
On the first night that I slept with you,
	I was both shy and scared
	As the bed was prepared,
And you played peekaboo with my ribbons of blue.

As we both watched the break of day,
And in peaceful submission I lay,
	You said you adored it
	But dammit, you tore it,
My sweet little night gown of blue.
%
In outer space, nobody can hear you fart.
%
In regards to Oral Roberts' claim that God told him that he would die unless
he received $20 million by March, God's lawyers have stated that their client
has not spoken with Roberts for several years.  Off the record, God has stated
that "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time
ago."
		-- Dennis Miller, SNL News
%
In the beginning was the DEMO Project.  And the Project was without form.
And darkness was upon the staff members thereof.  So they spake unto
their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks."

And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof."
Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying,
"It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none
may abide before it."  And it came to pass that the Directorate Head
spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel
of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength."

And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical
Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is
very strong."  And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the
Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
growth of the Laboratories."

And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good!
%
In the romantic days of Warsaw, Viennese whores were known for their
beauty and delicacy.  A gallant officer picked up one such lady of the
evening, who took him to her apartment.  They made delicious love all
evening before drifting to sleep in each others' arms.  In the morning
the man dressed, staring into a full-length mirror.  The lady lay in her
bed watching him.  Finally, she said softly,
	"Didn't you forget something?"
	"What did I forget?" asked the officer.
	"You forgot about the money," said the lady.
	"Oh, no," said the man, standing at ramrod attention.
"A Polish officer never accepts money."
%
In the shade of the old apple tree
Where between her fat legs I could see
	A little brown spot
	With the hair in a knot,
And it certainly looked good to me.

I asked as I tickled her tit
If she thought that my big thing would fit.
	She said it would do
	So we had a good screw		In the shade of the old apple tree
In the shade of the old apple tree.	I got all that was coming to me.
						In the soft dewy grass
I could hear the dull buzz of the bee		I had a fine piece of ass
As he sunk his grub hooks into me.	From a maiden that was fine to see.
	Her ass it was fine
	But you should have seen mine
In the shade of the old apple tree.
%
In the stands here I see a young couple who must be in love -- they're
kissing on every pitch.  He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's
kissing him on the balls.
		-- Harry Caray, a Chicago sportscaster
%
Incest, n:
	Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy.
%
Infatuation, n:
	When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat.
	When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants.
%
Inspite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
%
====================
Inter-Dwarf Memo
To: Dwarf-list
From: Doc
Re: S. White

	If that bitch cleans one more thermometer with Ajax, I'm gonna kill
her.   I'll give her apples, nice big apples.  With surprises inside. Yeah,
surprises.
%
====================
Inter-Dwarf Memo
To: Dwarf-list
From: Happy
Re: S. White

	Let it be noted that if she whistles that goddamned song one
more time I'm gonna rip her fuckin' lips off.  Have a nice day.
%
Israeli prime minister Shamir invited the Pope to play a round of golf.  Since
the Pope hadn't the faintest of an idea how to play, he convened the college of
cardinals to ask their advice.  "Call Arnold Palmer," they suggested, "make him
a cardinal and let him play in your place.  Tell Shamir you couldn't make it."
	Honored by His Holiness' request, Palmer agreed to represent him.
When he returned from the match, the Pope asked him how he had done.  "I came
in second," Palmer replied.
	"You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?"
	"No, Your Holiness.  Rabbi Nicklaus did."
%
It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck".
%
It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and
it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight
into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
		-- Voltaire
%
It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all.
%
It is better to have Uranus in Cancer than to have Cancer in Uranus.
%
It is considered normal to consecrate virginity in the
general and lust for its destruction in the particular.
%
It is far better to sleep with an old hen than pullet.
%
It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury.
Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other
half are doing it.
		-- Winston Churchill
%
It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it is one
damn thing over and over.
		-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
%
It is not wise to make love more than once in the morning.
You never know who you'll meet later in the day.
%
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind
to have imagined that virginity could be a virtue.
		-- Voltaire
%
It is only the man whose intellect is clouded by his sexual impulse that
could give the name of the fair sex to that undersized, narrow-shouldered,
broad-hipped, and short-legged race.
		-- Schopenhauer
%
It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the
war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by
teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine."  He asked a nurse
to fetch him a sample of urine.  He then talked at length about Diabetes
mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that
the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which
means sweet as honey.  Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine
of a diabetic ..."
	By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the
registrar promptly held up like a trophy.  We stared at that straw-colored
fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before.  The registrar then
startled us.  He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his
finger with the tip of his tongue.  As if tasting wine, he opened and closed
his lips rapidly.  Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar?  The sample
was passed on to us for an opinion.  We all dipped a finger into the fluid,
all of us foolishly licked that finger.
	"Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learnt the first
principle of diagnosis.  I mean the power of observation."  We were baffled.
We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some
anonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said
continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but
licked my INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps.
%
It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian sheep because
if you are a female sheep, what you do to solicit sex is to stand still.
Maybe there is a female sheep out there really wanting another female,
but there's just no way for us to know it.
		-- Anne Perkins, in her study of sexuality in sheep.
%
It may not be funny, but it's damned amusing!
%
It must be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a
very unfortunate place to have it.
		-- Malcolm Muggeridge
%
It seems that a rabbi, a priest and a minister decided to go fishing one
sunny afternoon.  All three climbed into the boat and headed for the middle
of the lake.  After several hours of relaxation, the minister decided that
"nature was calling", and climbed out of the boat and walked ashore.  In
a few moments, he walked back out to the boat and climbed back in.
	The rabbi was absolutely astonished, but decided not to mention
the apparent miracle.
	A few minutes later, the priest also decided to go ashore for a
moment, and climbed out of the boat, walked to shore, and a few minutes
later came back.
	By now the rabbi was in great distress and had begun to doubt his
beliefs and wonder if there might be some validity to the Christian
teachings.  But he immediately reaffirmed the fact that his faith WAS JUST
AS STRONG as either the priest's or the minister's and decided that anything
they could do, with God's help, he could do as well.
	The rabbi then announced that he needed relief and would walk to
shore.  He climbed out of the boat and went straight to the bottom of the
lake.  While the rabbi was thrashing about in the water, the priest turned to
the minister and said, "So... do you think we ought to tell him where the
rocks are?"
%
It seems that a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a bar.  The Scot
immediately singled out the bartender and proclaimed that drinks were
on the house, and that he expected him to serve only his best.  The next
day, the headlines read: Irish Ventriloquist Beaten to Death Behind Bar.
%
It seems that John gets this phone call:
	"Hello," he answers.  The voice on the other end of the line
is hard and cold.
	"This is Susan," he hears.  "We met at a party a few months
ago.
	"Of course, Susan!", John replies.  "How are you?"
	"Not very well.  Remember how after the party you took me home and
we parked?  And you told me that I was a 'good sport'?  Well, I'm pregnant
and I'm going to kill myself tonight."
	John is silent for a few moments, collecting his thoughts.  "Well,"
he finally replies, "you sure *are* a good sport."
%
It seems that there was this Christian about to be thrown to the lions.  He
was shoved into the middle of the arena and the lion was released.  Being
a good Christian, as the lion approached he knelt and prayed, asking God for
forgiveness for his (few) sins, and begging that the lion might be dissuaded
from eating him for its breakfast.  Much to his dismay, the lion didn't stop
but kept coming, getting faster and faster, now almost running, so the
Christian took off too.  There they were, running around and around the arena,
the lion getting closer and the Christian praying harder and harder between
gasps for breath.  The lions breath was now hot upon his heels and he could
even feel droplets of the lions saliva splashing on his bare feet.  So he
pulled out all the stops, promising God that if the lion will only spare him,
he will devote the rest of his life to spreading the Christian faith,
forsaking all temptation and possessions.  Suddenly he no longer felt the
lions breath, no longer heard the great beast's snarls close behind him.
Slowing to a stop, he turned around and saw the lion on its knees, eyes rolled
upward, paws held together.  The lion appeared to be muttering something so
the Christian approached until he could make out what the lion was saying.
	"Dear Lord, for what I am about to receive..."
%
It takes a brave man to admit his mistakes.
Especially in a paternity hearing.
%
It takes leather balls to play rugby.
	(Blood makes the grass grow!)
%
It takes little strain and no art
To bang out an echoing fart.
	The reaction is hearty
	When you fart at a party,
But the sensitive persons depart.
%
It used to be a man's world, and the woman's place was in the home.
They can kiss that shit goodbye.
%
It was a female that drove me to drink
and I didn't even have the kindness to thank her.
		-- R.E. Baber
%
It was a warm, sunny Sunday, and a man and his wife decided to take in the zoo.
They spent the day, and at closing time they walked past the gorilla cage, and
the man noticed the gorilla looking at his wife.  "That gorilla is getting
excited just looking at your tits," he said.  "Why don't you take your blouse
off and we'll see what he does?"
	At first she refused.  But finally persuaded by her husband, she took
off her blouse and bra.  The gorilla went nuts.  He started grunting and
jumping up and down.
	"Hey," the husband said, "let's really blow his mind.  Take off all
your clothes and we'll see what he does."
	Again she said no and again he persuaded her.  This time the ape
really went bananas!  He climbed up and down the bars, did flips, ran around
in circles and tossed his food all over the cage.  The husband went over to
the cage, opened the door and pushed his wife in.
	"Now," said the husband, "tell that motherfucker you have a headache!"
%
It was almost closing time when a male patron who had been getting the
frosty treatment from a girl at the end of the bar called to the
bartender and said, "Give that bitchy douche bag over there one on me."
	"We discourage that sort of language here, sir," the bartender
answered sternly.
	"OK, OK. Serve the lady a cocktail with my compliments."
	The bartender approached the female in question.  "The, uh, gentleman
at the other end of the bar would like to buy you a drink, miss.  What would
you like?"
	"Vinegar and water."
%
It was April the 41st,
Being a quadruple leap year.
I was driving in down-town Atlantis.
My Barracuda was in the shop,
So I was in a rented stingray
	-- and it was over-heating.
So, I pulled into a Shell station.
They said I'd blown a seal.
I said "Fix the damned thing and leave my private
	life out of it, okay pal?"
		-- Wet Dreams
%
It was at the eighth annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had
gathered for the ball.  A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag
line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself.
Turning to  another mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that bitch, aren't
they beautiful?"
	"Just fair," was the answer.
	"You're crazy," said the first mouse and then turning to another,
asked his opinion.
	"They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited
about."
	"Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse.  "Now
you," he said to a fourth mouse, "what did you think?"
	"To tell you the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs;
I'm a tit mouse myself."
%
It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a romantic haze.
"Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last.  It's all like a wonderful
dream!"
	Her husband didn't answer.  A few moments passed.  She sighed again
and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true."
	Still no response from her spouse.  Another pause and another
sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your
wife."
	"Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied,
you will!"
%
It was his third marriage and her fourth.  He was quite surprised when on
their honeymoon she pleaded, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
	"Darling, what do you mean you're still a virgin?  You've been
married three times."
	"Yes, but they all worked for DEC.  The first was a salesman,
and all he ever did was promise how good it would be.  The second was one
of their software hacks, he told me to take care of it myself.  And the
third was a field service representative, and he kept promising that it
would be up in 15 minutes.
%
It was New Year's Eve and the house was brightly decorated with holiday
trappings.  The only sound that broke the quiet was the click of Grandma's
knitting needles.  The children; Jane, eight and Mary, five, were seated
in front of a cheerily burning fire, leafing through a picture book.
Tiring of this, they went over to Grandma's rocker.  Jane climbed up on
the arm of the chair and Mary snuggled into Grandma's cozy lap.
	"Tell us a story," begged Mary.
	"Oh," said the old lady, laying aside her knitting and wrapping
her arms around the children.  "What story should I tell you?"
	"Tell us our favorite story," whispered little Jane eagerly.
"About the time you were a hooker in Chicago."
%
It was on the tip of my tongue to tell them about the deer, but I ended up
not doing it.  That was one thing I kept to myself.  I've never spoken or
written of it until just now, today.  And I have to tell you that it seems
a lesser thing written down, damn near inconsequential.  But for me it was
the best part of that trip, the cleanest part, and it was a moment I found
myself returning to, almost helplessly, when there was trouble in my life --
my first day in the bush in Vietnam, and this fellow walked into the clearing
where we were with his hand over his nose and when he took his hand away there
was no nose there because it had been shot off; the time the doctor told us
our youngest son might be hydrocephalic (he turned out just to have an
oversized head, thank God); the long crazy weeks before my mother died.  I
would find my thoughts turning back to that morning, the scuffed suede of
her ears, the white flash of her tail.  But eight hundred million Red Chinese
don't give a shit, right?  The most important things are the hardest to say,
because words diminish them.  It's hard to make strangers care about the
good things in your life.
		-- Stephen King, "The Body"
%
It was the first day of a new term at Princeton, and a Texas A&M freshman
was learning his way around the campus.  Stopping a distinguished looking
upperclassman, he inquired,
	"Say, buddy, can you tell me where the library is at?"
	"My good fellow," came the reply, "at Princeton we do not end our
sentences with a preposition."
	"All right," said the freshman, "can you tell me where the library
is at, asshole?"
%
It was this guy's first day in the penitentiary; he was in a cell with a
huge burley inmate, and he was pretty nervous.  At lights-out, the inmate
jumped out of his bunk, and, turning to our hero, said, "We're going to
have sex!  You want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?"
	A very terrified hero managed to squeak out, "Uh, well, uh, I guess
I'll be the Daddy."
	"OK," smiled his roommate, "get down here and suck your Momma's dick!"
%
It's a bit hard to bullshit the ocean.  It's not listening, you know
what I mean.
		-- David Crosby
%
It's a bitch being butch.
%
It's a funny thing that when a woman hasn't got anything
on earth to worry about, she goes off and gets married.
%
It's a question of Napleon brandy versus Ripple.
I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth.
		-- Rita Moreno, commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal
		   of older women versus younger women
%
"It's always the same," the girl sighed to her roommate after returning
in the wee, small hours.  "Afterward, I feel so compromised, so cheap, so
soiled... so absolutely wonderful from head to toe!"
%
It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
		-- Joan Rivers
%
It's better to be pissed off than pissed on.
%
It's hard to keep a good girl down -- but lots of fun trying.
%
It's midnight.  The old man is awake, nervously pacing the floor, as his
20-year-old son comes in.

	"Whatta you mean?  You staya out alla night, you runna around widda
bums.  Whatta you trying to do?"
	"Papa, don't talk like that," replies the boy.
	"Who-a you, tella me notta talka like that?  You no work, you
chase-a bad women, whatta become of you?"
	"Papa, *please* don't talk like that."
	"Don'ta talka like that?  Whatta you mean?  Why shouldn't I talka
likka that?"
	"Papa, we're not Italian."
%
It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame.
		-- Sean O'Huiginn
%
It's not pretty being easy.
%
It's not the ups and downs of love, it's the ins and outs.
%
It's so fuckin' great to be alive!
%
It's the sighs that count.
%
I've been feeling kind of jealous,
Of all them well-hung fellas,
Like Michael, Rod, and Mick.		It would have to be a big one,
Tell me, Doctor can you mend me?	A giant, horny love gun,
I've a case of penis envy --		To let me be a jock.
If I only had a dick.			Girls would never beg my pardon,
					They would turn on to my hardon --
					If I only had a cock.
Oh, I can tell you now,
The number of times I'd score,
I could fuck girls like			I would not be just a housewife,
	I never have before,		Living a little mouse-life
And then I'd cum (wee!)			In days that drag out long.
And fuck some more!			I would dance and I'd be merry
					Life would be a ding-a-derry
					If I only had a dong!
		-- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz
%
I've been told that it's far more sensuous to have a woman leave something
on rather than being totally nude.  Myself, I've always felt that the lights
were more than enough.
%
I've been watching you closely to see if you have been good this year;
and since you have, I will be telling my elves to make some goodies for me
to leave under your tree on Christmas.  I was going to bring you all the
gifts from the twelve days of Christmas, but we had a little problem up here.
The twelve fiddlers fiddling have all come down with V.D. from fiddling with
the ten ladies dancing, the eleven lords-a-leaping have knocked up the eight
maids-a-milking, and the nine pipers piping have been arrested for doing
weird things to the seven swans-a-swimming and the six geese-a-laying.  The
four calling birds, three French hens, two turtle doves, and the partridge
in the pear tree have me up to my ass in birdshit.  On top of all this, Mrs.
Claus is going through menopause, eight of my reindeer are in heat, the elves
have joined gay liberation, and those dumb ass Polacks have scheduled
Christmas for the fifth of February.  I'll do what I can.
		Sincerely,
		Santa
%
I've finally found the perfect girl,
I couldn't ask for more,
She's deaf and dumb and over-sexed,
And owns a liquor store.
%
I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket.
		-- Lyndon B. Johnson

Don't see 'em this big out here, do they?
		-- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters in a
		public toilet during a tour of the Far East
%
Jack an Jill went up the hill.
Jill went down,
Jack came.
%
Jack and Jill went up a hill
To fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown	Jack on Jill produced a thrill
And Jill came tumbling after.		When on the ground he got her,
					Then went down and told the town
					He tumbled Jill and gaffed her.
Jack to Jill thus did such ill
That Jill, to pay the rotter,
Told the town Jack's crown broke down	Jack and Jill have split the bill
When he set out to shaft her.		Since Jack led Jill to totter.
					Half the town deals Jill a frown
					And half greets Jack with laughter.
%
Jack and Jill went up the hill
Each had a buck and a quarter.
Jill came down with two and a half --
And you thought that they went for water.
%
Jack and Jill
Went up the hill,
Each had a buck and a quarter!
Jill came down,
With two and a half,
You think they went for water?
%
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick.
Jack jumped over the candle stick,
And burnt his balls.
%
Jack be nimble, Jack be quick,
Jack jumped over the candle stick.
But Jack wasn't so nimble,
Jack wasn't so quick,
So Jack's in the hospital, with a burned up dick!
%
Jehovah is an alien and still threatens this planet!
%
Jesus died for your sins... make it worth his time.
%
Jesus has just stopped the crowd from stoning Mary Magdalene to death
and is berating the self-pious with the famous speech, "Let the one
among you who is without sin cast the first stone..."
	Right about then, a rock comes winging through the air and hits
Jesus upside the head.  He whirls around and shouts "Alright, Mom, c'mon!
I'm trying to make a point, here!"
%
Jesus loves you, but everybody else thinks you're a dork.
%
Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.
		-- Michael O'Donohugh
%
Jesus Never Fails

(He's never taken the Massachusetts Bar Exam, either.)
%
Jesus Saves!

(And Esposito scores on the rebound!)
%
Jesus Saves,
Moses Invests,
But only Buddha pays Dividends.
%
Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
%
Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food.
		-- From the movie "My Favorite Year".
%
Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were
on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink.
	"Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the
women and children aboard the lifeboats first."
	"Fuck the women!" Kennedy shouted.
	"Do we have time?" Hart asked.
	"Do we have time?" Biden asked.
	"Did everyone hear that?" Dukakis asked.
%
Joan of Arc is alive and medium well.
%
John Paul II is famous for his touring, and his quaint habit of pressing
his lips to foreign soil on his arrival.  This sparked some wit to remark:
	"The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on
the women!"
%
Johnny Carson's Observation on Geriatrics:
	Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull
	over to the side of the road.
%
Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get
a prompt, type like hell.
%
Just go with the flow control, roll with the
crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell.
%
Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of
blue denim.  If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys
like mine instead of this awful, boring blue denim.  I don't enjoy the sky
or sea as much as I used to because of this Levi character.  If Jesus Christ
came back today, He and I would get into our brown corduroys and go to the
nearest jean store and overturn the racks of blue denim.  Then we'd get
crucified in the morning.
		-- Ian Anderson, of Jethro Tull
%
Kansas, where the men are men, the sheep
are scared and the women are grateful.
%
kasha, n:
	Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats".  There's only one
	problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"?
	I know what they are -- they're kasha.  But that doesn't help you
	much.
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
	Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex
	for the students, and parking for the faculty.
%
King Louis gave a lesson in class,
One time while enjoying a lass.
	When she used the word "Damn"
	He rebuked her: "Please ma'am,
Keep a more civil tongue in my ass."
%
Kissing, petting, and even intercourse are all right as long as they are
sincere.  I have never given a kiss in my life that wasn't sincere.  As
for intercourse, I'd say three times a day was about right.
		-- Margaret Sangor
%
Kitten with a whip,	Teddy bear in chains,	Puss in leather boots,
tail, swish swish,	spread on a bed;	rising thigh high;
take what you will,	fantasy games,		black rubber suits;
get what you wish.	deep in your head.	making him cry.

Squirm from the blows,	Now pussy's all hot,	Teddy bear sighs;
writhe from the pain;	from the power trip;	kitty's on top;
but teddy bear knows,	ready or not,		there's fire in her eyes,
that he wants it again.	next swing's from	and the cat won't stop.
				the hip.

The world explodes,	Teddy's still tied;	Kitten with a whip,
her claws dig in;	lying all alone;	tail, swish swish,
then kitty cat goes,	even if he tried,	take what you will,
cause she's through	he couldn't go home.	get what you wish.
	with him.
		-- Kitten With A Whip
%
Knowledge Engineering:

A combination of:

Engineering, n:
	The application of science and mathematics by which the properties
of matter and the sources of energy in nature are made useful to man in
structures, machines, products, systems and processes.

and

Knowledge, n:
	Sexual intercourse.

See also: Prostitution, Grantsmanship.
%
Konrad Lorenz, the great animal behaviorist, was scrupulous about cultivating
fruitful confusion.  Lorenz lived among his research subjects:  dozens of
species of mammals, birds, reptiles, and fishes.  He did not quantify, control,
or consciously experiment.  He got to know each creature individually, then
threw them together, watching for the unexpected, the unusual, or the bizarre
in the chaos that followed.  For example, his interest in one of ethology's
most important concepts, that of intention movements (motions with meaning,
such as the head bobbing in birds that serves as an alarm signal before
flight), derived from an inadvertent experiment.  He had trained a free-flying
raven to eat raw meat from his hand and had been feeding the bird for several
hours one day.  He would reach into his pants pocket and take out a piece of
meat, and the raven would swoop down to grab it in its bill.  By and by, Lorenz
went to relieve himself near a hedge.  When the raven saw him put his hand
into his pants and pull out another morsel of meat, it swooped down, hungrily
grasping the new mouthful in its bill.  Lorenz howled in pain.  But the event
left a deep impression on him -- about how faithfully animals respond to
intention movements, that is.
		-- The Sciences, May/June, 1988, N.Y. Academy of Science.
%
Kotex, n:
	Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best.
%
Kumquat, n:
	Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and
	somewhat acidic pulp that are used chiefly for preserves.
	Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse.  In fact,
	an early indication that your partner is willing to experiment
	sexually may be a rather insistent moaning of "kumquat, kumquat"
	during orgasm.

	Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your
	partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake.
%
Labia majora, n:
	The curly gates.
%
Lady to Golf Pro: "I was stung by bees on your golf course!"
Pro:	"Ummm, well, where?"
Lady:	"Between the 1st and 2nd holes."
Pro:	"That's going to real tough to treat."
%
lagnaf, n:
	Let's All Get Naked And Fuck!
%
Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
%
"Last night,"  said a lassie named Ruth,
"In a long-distance telephone booth,
	I enjoyed the perfection
	Of an ideal connection --
I was screwed, if you must know the truth."
%
Last week I saw a girl in a sweater so tight I could hardly breathe.
%
lawyer, n:
	Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too
	closely."
%
Lawyers do it to everyone.
%
Left a good broad by the river,
Traveled back into town just to get some rest!
Waited for 10 hours,
Went back to the river,
But I couldn't get her out of that mess!

chorus:
	Poor Mary Jo Kopechne,
	Dead Mary Jo Kopechne,
	Rollin'... rollin'... rollin' down the window!

If you're gonna run for office,
And you know that it's an election year.
Don't go in the river,
'Specially by way of bridges,
It could put an end to your political career!
(chorus)
		-- Poor Mary Jo, to the tune of "Proud Mary"
%
"Lemme show ya the odds, Sparky...  In yer country, ya got 14 million black
people, and 3 million white people.  Now, does the name `Custer' mean anything
to you?"
		-- Robin Williams, portraying Lester Maddox talking to Prime
		   Minister Botha of South Africa.
%
Les salons de la ville de Trieste
Sont vaseux, suraigus, at funestes;
	Parmi les grandes chaises
	On cause des malaises,
Des estropiements, et des pestes.
		-- Edward Gorey
%
Let a Field Service Engineer put it in.
%
Liberace was at heaven's gate when Saint Peter told him that he'd been
disqualified from entering.
	Stunned, Liberace asked, "Why?"
	"Our records show that you once ate a parakeet," Saint Peter answered.
	"I never did that," Liberace replied.  "Can't you check your records?
They *must* be wrong!"
	"It says right here that on August 15, 1981, you ate a chartreuse
parakeet with black trim."
	"Hey, listen, you must be thinking of Ozzy Osbourne, " Liberace
replied. "Now, I might have had a cockatoo..."
%
LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 22)
	You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with
reality.  If you are a man, you are more than likely gay.  Chances for
employment and monetary gains are excellent.  Most Libra women are
prostitutes.  All Libra people die of Venereal disease.
%
Lick-a-dee-clit!
%
Life is a bitch, but the puppies can be cute.
%
Life is a shit sandwich, and every day you get to take another bite.
It's just that some days are TWO BITE days ...
%
Life is having a mother-in-law that sucks and a wife that don't.
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
Life is like a cucumber -- one moment it's
in your hand, the next it's up your ass.
%
Life is like a penis: when it's soft you
can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked.
%
Life is like a shit sandwich.  The more bread
you have, the less shit you have to eat.
%
Life is not a cabaret.
It's a fucking circus.
%
Life isn't a bitch.  Life is a virgin.  A bitch is easy.
%
Like private parts to the Gods are we,
they play with us for their sport.
		-- Lord Melchett (Blackadder 2)
%
Limericks are art forms complex,
Their topics run chiefly to sex.
	They usually have virgins,
	And masculine urgin's,
And other erotic effects.
%
Lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you,
Lipstick on your dipstick said you were untrue.
Bet your bottom dollar you and I are through,
'Cause lipstick on your dipstick told a tale on you.
		-- To the tune of "Lipstick On Your Collar"
%
Lisp hackers
	... do it in CARS.
	... do it with tail recursion.
	... first do it in the front, then do it in the back.
	... have DEFUN while doing it.
	... have to be bound to do it.
	... have Moby dicks.
%
Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
%
Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper.
%
Little Boy Blew... he needed the money.
%
LITTLE DEATH: (la petite mort) Some women do indeed pass right out, the
'little death' of French poetry.  Men occasionally do the same.  The
experience is not unpleasant, but it can scare an inexperienced partner
cold.  A friend of ours had this happen with the first girl he ever slept
with.  On recovery she explained, "I am awfully sorry, but I always do that."
By then he had called the police and an ambulance.  So there is no cause
for alarm, any more than over the yells, convulsions, hysterical laughter,
or sobbing, or any of the other quite unexpected reactions that go along
with complete orgasm in some people.  By contrast others simply shut their
eyes, but enjoy it no less.  Sound and fury can be a flattering testimony
to a partners skills, but a fallacious one, because they don't depend on the
intensity of feeling, nor it upon them.
		-- The Joy of Sex
%
Little Herbie had been blind since birth.  One day at bedtime, his mother
told him that the next day was a very special one.  If he prayed extra
hard, he'd be able to see when he woke up the next morning.  The next
morning she came into Herbie's room and asked him if he'd prayed hard
the night before.
	"Yes, Mommie," was his reply, "all night long!"
	"Well, then," she said, "open your eyes and you'll know that
your prayers have been answered."
Little Herbie opened his eyes, only to cry out,
	"Mother! Mother! I still can't see!"
	"I know, dear," said his mother, "April Fool."
%
Little Johnny with a grin,
Drank up all of daddy's gin,
Mother said, when he was plastered,
Go to bed, you little love-child.
%
Little known facts: the dirtiest words used on television during the
1950's were uttered by June Cleaver.
	"Gee, Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"
%
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider,
And bit her right in the snatch.
%
Little Miss Muffet, sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Along came a spider,
Who sat down beside her,
And said, "What's in the bowl, bitch?"
%
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet,
Her knickers all tattered and torn.
For it wasn't a spider that sat down beside her,
But Little Boy Blue with his horn!
%
Little Miss Muffet,
Sat on her tuffet,
Smoking some THC.
Along came a narc'er who sat down beside her
And said, "So... what's in the bag, bitch?!"
%
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to visit
her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree.
	"Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you."
	"Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily,
"Damn it, doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
%
Long, long ago, in the Old West, a rancher rode into town to buy supplies.
When he returned, he found that his whole family had been killed, his wife
raped, his house burned, and all his cattle rustled.  When he told his
distant neighbors about the tragedy, a few of them reported that the only
stranger they had seen in the area for weeks was a tall desperado wearing a
black hat and a red neckerchief.
	The cowboy saddled his fastest horse and set out to find the villian.
He searched for months but couldn't catch up with the culprit; in town after
dusty town he was told that a man fitting the description had been there but
had just departed; usually after some heinous crime.
	One evening after a hard day's ride he came into a town, tied his
horse, and entered the saloon.  At a table in the corner sat an ugly man,
with a black hat and a red neckerchief!  Slowly the cowboy stalked up to
this man, his hands resting upon his guns.
	"Are you the man who killed my family, raped my wife, burned my
house and rustled my cattle?"
	"Probably; after so many, how can I be sure?" snarled the bandit.
	"You better cut that shit out!"
%
Look out for yourself -- or they'll pee on your grave.
		-- Louis B. Mayer

The reason so many people showed up at Louis B. Mayer's funeral
was because they wanted to make sure he was dead.
		-- Samuel Goldwyn
%
Love comes in spurts.
%
Love comes in spurts.
	--Devo, "Please Please"
%
Love is blind but desire doesn't give a good goddam.
		-- James Thurber
%
Love is eating her even when she's not having her period.
%
Love is just for now ... herpes lasts forever.
%
Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin -- it's the triumphant
twang of a bedspring.
		-- S.J. Perelman
%
Love is two minutes and fifty-two seconds of squishy sounds.
		-- Johnny Rotten
%
Love letters no longer they write us,
To their homes they so seldom invite us.
	It grieves me to say,
	They have learned with dismay,
We can't cure their `vulva pruritus'.
%
Luser, n:
	Someone who picks up a female
	hitch-hiker walking home from a date.
%
Ma Bell runs a baudy house.
%
Macho, adj:
	Jogging home from a vasectomy.
%
Male, n:
	Life support system for a cock.
%
Man in stall:
	Hey, buddy?  Is there any toilet paper out there?
Man at sink:
	No, I don't see any.  Just a second...  Nope, none in
	any of the other stalls either.
A minute passes.
Man in stall:
	Say, buddy?
Man at sink:
	Yeah?
Man in stall:
	You got change for a ten?
%
Man who dance in crowded ballroom
dance cheek to cheek with woman behind him.
%
Man who keep money in jockstrap has financial matters all balled up.
%
Man's lust for a bust is hardly recent,
Some say not even indecent.
But if you lust,
It's a must!
%
Many a bachelor feels the need to insert his masculinity.
%
Many a man has decided to stay alive not because of the will to live, but
because of the determination not to give assorted surviving bastards the
satisfaction of his death.
		-- Brendan Francis
%
Many a man has fallen in love with a girl in a light so dim he would
not have chosen a suit by it.
		-- Maurice Chevalier
%
Many a man in love with a dimple makes the mistake of marrying the
whole girl.
		-- Stephen Leacock
%
Many a man who thinks he's going on a maiden voyage with
a woman finds out later that it was just a shake-down cruise.
%
Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God
is a cruel and capricious tyrant.
		-- Edward Gibbon
%
Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover.
But she can never catch him at it.
%
Many a woman hasn't realized that she was raped until the check bounced.
%
Many nice things suck.
%
Marijuana is like Coors beer.  If you could buy the damn stuff
at a Georgia filling station, you'd decide you wouldn't want it.
		-- Billy Carter
%
Marlene wanted Joy to relent,
She said, "AIDS is so hard to prevent.
	If you want to get laid,
	Then we'll have to tribade!"
(But Joy didn't know what she meant.)
%
Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
		-- Peter De Vries
%
Marriage is like a bank account.  You put it in, you take it out,
you lose interest.
		-- Professor Irwin Corey
%
Mary had a little lamb,
It's fleece as white as snow.
It followed her to school one day,
And got fucked by a big black dog.
%
Mary had a little lamb,
She kept it in a bucket.
And every time she let it out,
The bulldog used to
Chase it around the garden.
%
Mary had a little lamb,
The lamb turned out to be a ram,
Now Mary has a little lamb.
%
Mary had a little sheep,
And with the sheep she went to sleep,
The sheep turned out to be a ram,
And Mary had a little lamb.
%
Mary had a little watch;
She swallowed it one day.
And so she took some Ex-Lax
To pass the time away.

But when she took the Ex-Lax
The time it did not pass.
So when you want to know the time,
Just look up Mary's ...
		Uncle, he has a watch, too.
%
Masturbation!  The amazing availability of it!
		-- James Joyce
%
masturbation, n:
	A self-service elevator.
%
masturbation, n:
	Coming unscrewed.
%
Math is to physics like masturbation is to sex.
%
Mathematicians
	... do it in groups.
	... do it in theory.
	... take it to the limit.
%
Mathematicians do it with a small, imaginary part.
%
Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
described as being n-dimensional.  Like modern sex, any number can play.
		-- James Blish, "Beep/The Quincunx of Time"
%
May a deranged midget on a pogo stick
take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt.
%
May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
%
May all the boys you fall in love with fall in love with boys themselves.
%
May all the girls you fall in love with fall in love with girls themselves.
%
May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H.
%
May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
%
Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low
opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer!
%
McCoy's a seducer galore,
And of virgins he has quite a score.
	He tells them, "My dear,
	You're the Final Frontier,
Where man never has gone before."
%
McGowan's Madison Avenue Axiom:
	If an item is advertised as "under $50",
	you can bet your ass it's not $19.95.
%
McQuillan was on the stand. The case involved a railroad and several of
the passengers who were injured.
	"You say," thundered the counsel for the railroad, "that you saw
the two trains crash head on while doing sixty miles an hour.  What did you
think when you saw this happen ?"
	I thought," replied the Irishman, "this is one *helluva* way to run
a railroad."
%
Me father makes book on the corner,
Me mother makes second hand gin,
Me sister makes love for a dollar,
And that's how the money rolls in!

	Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!
		(Rolls in!)
	Rolls in, rolls in, just look how the money rolls in!

Me father sells cheap prophylactics,
Me mum pokes the tips with a pin,
Me sister performs the abortions,
And that's how the money rolls in!

Me uncle's a poor missionary,
He saves fallen women from sin.
He'll save you a blonde for five dollars,
And that's how the money rolls in.
%
Me, I love the rich.  *Somebody* has to love them.  Sure, a lot
of rich people are assholes, but believe me, a lot of poor people
are assholes too.  And an asshole with money can at least pay
for his own drinks.
		-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
%
Meanwhile back at the oasis, the Ay-rabs wuz busy a-eatin' their dates!
%
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Granny was a-beating off the Indians, but
they jus' kept on a-comin'.  Back at the outhouse, things were a-pilin' up.
And, as the U.S. Fourth Calvary mounted the hill, Tonto, cleverly disguised
as a doorknob, came off in the Lone Ranger's hand.
%
Meet Elmer, young son of the Thorpes,
Afflicted with psychotic warps.
	His idea of fun
	Is to bugger a nun,
And then vomit all over the corpse.
%
Megaton Man:	"LOOK at them!  Helpless, tender creatures, relying on
		ME, waiting for ME to make my move!"

(from below):	"Move your ASS, Fat-head!"

Megaton Man:	"It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!"
%
Men -- can't live with 'em, can't leave
'em by the curb when you're done.
%
Men have many faults,
	Women only two:
Everything they say,
	And everything they do!
%
Men will fuck mud.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
menage a trois, n:
	Using both hands to masturbate.
%
Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked ladies.  Women's magazines
also often feature pictures of naked ladies.  This is because the female
body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is hairy and lumpy and
should not be seen by the light of day.
		-- Richard Roeper, "Men and Women Are Different"
%
Men's skin is different from women's skin.  It is usually bigger, and it
has more snakes tattooed on it.  Also, if you examine a woman's skin very
closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently tracing
the slender curve of her calves, then moving up to her ...

	[EDITOR'S NOTE: To make room for news articles about important
	 world events such as agriculture, we're going to delete the
	 next few square feet of the woman's skin.  Thank you.]

... until finally the two of you are lying there, spent, smoking your
cigarettes, and suddenly it hits you: Human skin is actually made up of
billions of tiny units of protoplasm, called "cells"!  And what is even more
interesting, the ones on the outside are all dying!  This is a fact.  Your
skin is like an aggressive modern corporation, where the older veteran cells,
who have finally worked their way to the top and obtained offices with nice
views, are constantly being shoved  out the  window head first, without  so
much as a pension plan, by younger hotshot cells moving up from below.
		-- Dave Barry
%
Meteorologist, n:
	A man who can look in a woman's eyes and predict whether.
%
Mickey Mouse has a long talk one day with a psychiatrist, after which
the psychiatrist interviews Minnie Mouse.  A few days later Mickey meets
with the psychiatrist, and the following conversation ensues:

Sigmund : I talked with Minnie after talking with you.
Mickey  : Oh?
Sigmund : I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane.
Mickey  : Idiot!  I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was
		fuckin' Goofy.
%
Miguel Cervantes wrote Donkey Hote.  Milton wrote Paradise Lost, then his
wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
%
"Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's
testicles for a bet...  God, that bloody sheep kicked him!"
		-- Ripping Yarns
%
Missed the train at the railway station
Oh hell, blast, and damnation!
Asked a lady in there if she had the time,
She said "Yes", and a strong inclination.
%
Missionary position:
	The missionary on top.
%
Mistress Mary, quite contrary,
How does your garden grow?
With silver bells and cockle shells,
And one really fucked-up petunia.
%
Mistress, n:
	Something between a mister and a mattress.
%
mixed emotions:
	Watching your mother-in-law back off a cliff...
	in your brand new Mercedes.
%
Montana:
	Where men are men and women are sheep.
%
Moody bitch in search of...
	kind, considerate, loving man.  Objective, love-hate relationship.
%
Moody bitch with attitude, seeks nice,
good-looking guy to dump on.
%
Morris left for a two-day business trip to Chicago.  He was only a few
blocks from his house, when he realized that he had left the airplane
tickets on his bureau top.  He returned and quietly entered the house.
His wife, in her skimpiest negligee, was standing at the sink washing
the breakfast dishes.  She looked so inviting that he tiptoed up behind
her, reached out, and squeezed her breast.
	"Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Morris won't be here
for breakfast tomorrow."
%
Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss
out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel.
%
Most men would never get laid if it weren't for the pity fuck.
%
Most people wouldn't know music if it came up and bit them on the ass.
		-- Frank Zappa
%
Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity
to be otherwise.
		-- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
%
Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some.
%
Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
	Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis:
	it stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
%
Moustache rides, 50 cents.
%
Mr. Rection, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, please pick up a white courtesy telephone!
%
Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot.  He had just one
problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens.  Mrs. Johnson scolded him
time and time again, but he would just laugh at her.  Finally, she told him
that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of
his head.  Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but one day, he just
couldn't resist going next door.  Besides, he figured she was bluffing.
	Well, Mr. Hawkins came over, ranting and raving about how the parrot
had been fucking his chickens again.  Mrs. Johnson didn't say a word, just
took out her scissors and cut off all of the parrot's head feathers.
	That night, Mrs. Johnson had a big party at her house.  Before it
started, she took the parrot and put him on top of the piano by the front
door.  "Since you disobeyed me today, you have to stay here on the piano
tonight.  Now, don't you dare move."
	Well, the parrot was pretty pissed off about having his head bare,
and he wasn't too happy about having to spend the whole evening on the piano.
Still, as he usually did, when the butler would announce the guests as they
arrived, he would say hello to them.  Just then, two bald-headed men came to
the door.
	Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you
chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!"
%
Mrs. Kelly is partial to cocks;
Mr. Kelly likes rye on the rocks.
	When he's under the weather
	They can't get together,
So others get into her box.
%
Murphy's Discovery:
	Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk
	to women?  They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and
	everything will be all right."  And what happens?  Nine
	months later, you're in trouble!
%
Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasichism
fantasy fulfiller" and dental hygienist, Sybil said, "I couldn't really
understand why I wanted to be a dental hygienist, but years later, after
being in the SM world a long time, I figured it out:  I'm in uniform,
they're not.  I'm standing up, they're lying down.  I'm doing painful
things to them for their own good.   This is so ME."
		-- The Daily Cal, September 29, 1992 In an article titled:
	           "Kinky sex remains alive and whipping despite threat
		    of AIDS, book reveals"
%
My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer
dahlias.
		-- William Allen White
%
My brother-in-law has found a way to make ends meet.
He goes around with his head stuck up his ass.
%
My daddy's brains was so scrambled he thought he was Jesus.  They put him
in a nut house for 5 years and when he got out, he didn't think he was
Jesus, he thought he was *God*! ... Which made me Jesus.
		-- T. Bywater
%
My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
		-- Alexandre Dumas
%
My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards.
%
My godda bless, never I see sucha people.
		-- Signor Piozzi, quoted by Cecilia Thrale
%
My idea of a wild party is where you throw the girls' panties at the wall
and they stick.
		-- Johnny Bob
%
My jaw aches, my pussy is sore.
I simply can't fuck any more;
	I'm covered with sweat,
	And you haven't come yet,
And my God, it's a quarter to four!
		-- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
%
My mother didn't breast-feed me.  She said she liked me as a friend.
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
My mother was a test tube; my father was a knife.
		-- Friday
%
My mother-in-law broke up my marriage.  One day my wife
came home early from work and found us in bed together.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
My mothers are wholly ignorant of the almost universal prevalence of secret
vice, or self-abuse, among the young.  Why hesitate to say firmly and without
quibble that personal abuse lies at the root of much of the feebleness,
paleness, nervousness, and good-for-nothingness of the entire community?
		-- Dr. J.H. Kellogg, "The Ladies Guide", Modern Medicine
		   Publishing Company, 1895.  Dr. Kellogg helped invent
		   corn flakes and peanut butter.  In addition to denouncing
		   masturbation, he believed that smoking caused cancer and
		   that certain ailments could be cured by rolling a
		   cannonball on the stomach.
%
My reaction to porno films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I
want to go home and screw. After the first twenty minutes, I never want
to screw again as long as I live.
		-- Erica Jong
%
My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine.
%
My travel agent's an Oxford chap
Who rolls his eyes when he speaks.
I asked him about the Isle of Man
For a journey of about six weeks.
And this is what he said to me
As he looked me right in the eye,
"For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip
Of Elephant Shit On Rye."

A brand-new store just opened its door
At the corner of 5th and Vine
And I happened to be standing right outside
When they turned on their neon sign.
I heard a strange sound, I looked around,
And that's when I almost died,
They nearly knocked me down to be the first in town
To get their Elephant Shit On Rye!
%
`My trip? It was vile.  Balaclava
I loathed.  Etna was crawling with lava.
	The ship was all white
	But it creaked in the night,
And the band, they did not know la java."
		-- Edward Gorey
%
`My trip? It was vile. Balaclava
I loathed.  Etna was crawling with lava.
	The ship was all white
	But it creaked in the night,
And the band, they did not know la java."
		-- Edward Gorey
%
My wife and I only smoke after sex.  I've had the same pack since 1967.
She's up to three packs a day.
		-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
My wife has breast cancer.  She told me to start dating.
		-- Howard Stern
%
Naeser's Law:
	You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
%
Naked children are so perfectly pure and lovely.  I confess I do not admire
naked boys.  They always seem to me to need clothes -- whereas one hardly
sees why the lovely forms of girls should ever be covered up.
		-- Lewis Carroll
%
Naked couple in bed, woman says to man:
	"When I said I had a foot fetish, I was referring to cocks."
%
Nancy Reagan wants to divorce old Ron...
seems he's making it hard for everyone but her.
%
National Sex Week -- don't let your meat loaf.
%
navel, n:
	A place to stash your gum on the way down.
%
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
Watch who you sleep with.
%
necrophilia, n:
	Dead boring.

incest, n:
	Relatively boring.
%
necrophilia, n:
	Dropping in for a cold one.
%
Need to buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
Try Fredricks of Ithaca, New York.
%
Negotiate my ass, let's kill something!
%
Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane.
		-- Gordon Cooper
%
"Never send a MAN to do a WOMAN'S work!  Why do you think I CAME here?"
"Not for the good of my ego, that was for damn sure."
%
Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds.
%
NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
	"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on
a short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
promptly to avoid extended waits.  (We are still awaiting shipment of
our "Big John" doll.)
%
New book out from Gary Hart; "Six Inches from the White House".
%
New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation;
it's the asshole of the universe.
		-- Jonathan Michael Smith
%
New York:
	Where men are men, sheep enjoy it, and lepers laugh their heads off.
%
Newlywed groom:
	Honey, I have something to confess to you.  I'm a golfer.
	You'll never see me on Tuesday nights, Thursday nights,
	and weekends.  I'm sorry.
Newlywed bride:
	I have something even worse to confess, dear.  I'm a hooker.
Groom:
	Oh, honey, that's no problem!  Just keep your head low and follow
	through...
%
Newsflash:
	Apparently the rapture did occur last Tuesday as was originally
predicted.  All true believers were transported to heaven while the rest
of us were left behind to await the Anti-Christ and the end of the world.
	Widespread reports that the rapture had not occurred stemmed from
expectations that the effect would be more widespread than it turned out
to be.  The definition of "true believer" was apparently more restrictive
than expected, however, and the only qualifiers were a family of five,
living in Stenton, North Dakota.
%
Next, upon a stool, we've a sight to make you drool.
Seven virgins and a mule, keep it cool, keep it cool.
		-- ELP, "Karn Evil 9" (1st Impression, Part 2)
%
Nice computers don't go down.
%
Nine out of ten men who preferred Camels have switched back to women.
%
Nine reasons a taco is better than a woman:
	1: Tacos don't put frilly covers on the toilet seat
		so the lid won't stay up.
	2: Tacos don't use your razor on their legs.
	3: Tacos don't say "That's okay, it doesn't have to be good for me."
	4: Tacos don't get upset if you eat another taco, "Just for fun."
	5: Tacos will never contest a divorce,
		demand a property settlement or seek custody of anything.
	6: Tacos won't ask you about your last lover,
		or speculate about your next one.
	7: A taco will never make a scene because
		there are other tacos in the refrigerator.
	8: It's easy to drop a taco.
	9: Tacos don't want to sleep on your chest.
%
Ninety percent of everything is crap.
		-- Theodore Sturgeon
%
No matter how clever the hardware boys
are, the software boys piss it away.
%
No one born with a mouth and a need is "innocent".
		-- Greg Bear
%
Non Illegitemus Carborundum.
	[Don't let the bastards wear you down.]
%
Not everyone has a one-track mind.
		-- From a Bisexuality 101 talk
%
Not only is God dead, but just try to find a plumber on weekends.
		-- Woody Allen
%
nothing, adj:
	A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose.
%
Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient
tribes of Judea ... but you and I know what a Jew is -- one who killed
Our Lord ... A lot of people say to me "Why did you kill Christ?"  What
can I say?  It was an accident.  It was one of those parties that got out
of hand, you know...  We killed him because he didn't want to become
a doctor, that's why we killed him.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
Now hear this fair lass from Rhode Isle
Who said with a wink and a smile,
	"Sure, please stick it in,
	Be it thick be it thin,
But if's rough I won't do as a file."
%
Now it is such a bizarrely improbable coincidence that anything so mind-
bogglingly useful could have evolved purely by chance that some thinkers
have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence
of God.  The argument follows:  "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God,
"for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing."  "But," says Man,
"the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it?  It could not have evolved
by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguments,
you don't.  QED."  "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and
promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
		-- D. Adams
%
Now what would they do if I just sailed away?
Who the hell really compelled me to leave today?
Runnin' low on stories of what made it a ball,
What would they do if I made no landfall?"
		-- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall"
%
Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and
occasionally has problems with folks harassing her.  She came up
with this in response to one...

	Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing.
	When fratboy called me a dyke I told him that actually I was
	bisexual, but that he shouldn't feel threatened because he didn't
	meet either of my standards