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+This fortune brought to you by:
+$FreeBSD$
+%
+ -- Gifts for Children --
+
+This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
+because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
+and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
+morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
+exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
+your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
+Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
+might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
+me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
+who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+ -- Gifts for Men --
+
+Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
+ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
+should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
+clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
+example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
+three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
+that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
+at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
+So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
+years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
+pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
+
+If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
+than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
+of tires.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+ *** NEWSFLASH ***
+Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven!
+%
+ ACHTUNG!!!
+
+Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
+schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
+spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
+rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
+vatch das blinkenlights!!!
+%
+ Chapter 1
+
+The story so far:
+
+ In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
+of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
+%
+ DELETE A FORTUNE!
+
+Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like
+to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to
+"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
+gets expunged.
+%
+ Get GUMMed
+ --- ------
+The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
+1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
+the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep
+each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
+chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
+nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three
+days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two
+seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
+friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is
+Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
+"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
+Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because
+all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
+could tell them.
+ -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
+%
+ Pittsburgh Driver's Test
+
+(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
+ but a steady left tail light. This means
+
+ (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
+ to call the problem to the driver's attention.
+ (b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
+ (c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
+ (d) the driver is from out of town.
+
+The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign
+countries to signal turns.
+%
+ Pittsburgh Driver's Test
+
+(8) Pedestrians are
+
+ (a) irrelevant.
+ (b) communists.
+ (c) a nuisance.
+ (d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
+
+The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
+totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
+%
+ Has your family tried 'em?
+
+ POWDERMILK BISCUITS
+
+ Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
+
+ They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the
+ strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
+
+ POWDERMILK BISCUITS
+
+ Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the
+ biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains
+ that indicate freshness.
+%
+ THE STORY OF CREATION
+ or
+ THE MYTH OF URK
+
+In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
+and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
+was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
+registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
+and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
+Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
+and there was morning, one interrupt ...
+ -- Rico Tudor
+%
+ JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
+ by Mark Isaak
+
+ Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
+character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
+hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
+are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
+BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
+to him.
+ So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
+he met the traveling salesman.
+ "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
+in high-level language.
+ "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
+and Apples," commented Jack.
+ "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
+there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
+ Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
+he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
+started thrashing.
+ "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
+kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
+window ...
+%
+ A Severe Strain on the Credulity
+
+As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest
+parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
+is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one
+considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one
+begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really
+starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor
+maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left.
+Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing
+of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to
+re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum
+against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the
+knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
+ -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
+%
+ AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
+
+If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
+across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
+%
+ AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
+
+There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
+would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
+%
+ Another Glitch in the Call
+ ------- ------ -- --- ----
+ (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.)
+
+We don't need no indirection
+We don't need no flow control
+No data typing or declarations
+Did you leave the lists alone?
+
+ Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!
+
+Chorus:
+ All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
+ All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
+%
+ Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
+
+(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
+(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
+(3) I don't know.
+(4) Who cares?
+(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
+ Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
+(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
+ book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
+ bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
+ Papyrus Books).
+%
+ DETERIORATA
+
+Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
+And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
+Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
+Rotate your tires.
+Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
+And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
+Know what to kiss -- and when.
+Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
+But that three do.
+Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
+Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
+And despite the changing fortunes of time,
+There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
+
+ You are a fluke of the universe ...
+ You have no right to be here.
+ Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
+ Is laughing behind your back.
+ -- National Lampoon
+%
+ Double Bucky
+ (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")
+
+Double bucky, you're the one!
+You make my keyboard lots of fun
+ Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
+(Vo-vo-de-o!)
+Control and Meta side by side,
+Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
+ Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
+
+Double bucky, left and right
+OR'd together, outta sight!
+ Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
+ Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
+ Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
+
+ -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr.
+%
+ Gimmie That Old Time Religion
+We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids,
+Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods,
+I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids,
+And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me!
+ (chorus) (chorus)
+
+In the church of Aphrodite,
+The priestess wears a see-through nightie,
+She's a mighty righteous sightie,
+And she's good enough for me!
+ (chorus)
+
+CHORUS: Give me that old time religion,
+ Give me that old time religion,
+ Give me that old time religion,
+ 'Cause it's good enough for me!
+%
+ MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
+The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last
+Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while
+the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the
+Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could
+paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player
+took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting
+their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player
+said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a
+fight and the match was called by officials.
+%
+ OUTCONERR
+Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
+ Did logzerneg the ifthen block
+All kludgy were the function flows
+ And subroutines adhoc.
+
+Beware the runtime-bug my friend
+ squrooneg, the false goto
+Beware the infiniteloop
+ And shun the inprectoo.
+%
+ Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
+ Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
+
+(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs,
+ ants.
+(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships.
+(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
+(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter.
+(5) Exotic birds flock around you.
+(6) People ignore you at parties.
+(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
+(8) You no longer get off on cocaine.
+%
+ Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
+(1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
+ bomb; use the stairs.
+(2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
+ the ground.
+(3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
+(4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
+ psychological problems.
+(5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to
+ recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed
+ potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
+(6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs
+ will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
+(7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
+(8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
+ staggering illegally.
+(9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
+ sanitary due to limited circulation.
+(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
+ D-Day.
+%
+ The STAR WARS Song
+ Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
+
+I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
+Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
+ S-O-D-A soda
+I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
+I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
+ Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
+
+Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
+A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
+ Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
+Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
+How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
+ Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
+%
+ The Three Major Kind of Tools
+
+* Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
+ jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
+ manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
+ bludgeons, and truncheons.)
+
+* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)
+
+* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
+ greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
+ (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
+ any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+ (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
+Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
+Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
+And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
+Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
+Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
+And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
+And we've also found Just flip one switch
+When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
+You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
+ in a flash.
+Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU
+Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo,"
+And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash.
+%
+ 'Twas the Night before Crisis
+
+'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
+ Not a program was working not even a browse.
+The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
+ Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
+The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
+ While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
+When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
+ I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
+And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
+ But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
+More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
+ And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
+On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
+ On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
+His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
+ From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
+A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
+ Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
+%
+ William Safire's Rules for Writers:
+
+Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
+be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to
+agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
+out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
+of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
+not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
+conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
+sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
+close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
+words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
+must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
+linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
+metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
+be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
+writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
+the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
+viable alternatives.
+%
+ A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
+ by Mark Twain
+
+ For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
+to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
+be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
+would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
+might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
+same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
+"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
+ Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
+with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
+or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
+Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
+ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
+ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
+ Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
+hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
+%
+
+ *** System shutdown message from root ***
+
+System going down in 60 seconds
+
+
+%
+ "... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
+ "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
+feel interested.
+ "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
+vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
+Aged Man.'"
+ "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
+Alice corrected herself.
+ "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
+called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
+ "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time
+completely bewildered.
+ "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
+"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
+%
+ A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was
+eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality
+test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
+ Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into
+the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
+%
+ A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
+about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their
+arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
+the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
+Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
+incredible surgical feat."
+ The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the
+Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
+that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an
+architect."
+ The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
+"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
+%
+ A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
+first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
+ "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
+and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
+ "But the collar is up around my ears!"
+ "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
+little more ... that's it."
+ "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
+ "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
+go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
+ So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
+street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
+ "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
+ "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+ A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his
+novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how
+insignificant," said the master.
+
+ "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
+
+ "It is," came the reply.
+
+ "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
+
+ "It is even in a video game," said the master.
+
+ "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
+
+ The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The
+lesson is over for today," he said.
+ -- "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
+the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
+pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
+nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..."
+ "If what?" asked the composer.
+ "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
+%
+ A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
+removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
+doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
+amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
+limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
+larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
+power-down sequence.
+ An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
+building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
+bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
+cool.
+%
+ A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came
+upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
+"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow
+man".
+ As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
+he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
+%
+ After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
+Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
+and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
+to be created."
+ "This is true," He replied.
+ "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
+ "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
+right to make his laws?"
+ "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
+make his own."
+ It was so granted.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+ An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He
+knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with
+great restraint.
+ As he designs the first work, frill after frill and
+embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away
+to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished,
+and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of
+that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.
+ This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.
+When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will
+confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems,
+and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that
+are particular and not generalizable.
+ The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using
+all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first
+one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
+ -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
+%
+ An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
+in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
+ "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
+you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
+an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
+hour seems like a minute."
+ The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
+moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+ "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
+asked the father of his little son.
+ "Diet."
+%
+ Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
+took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his
+followers.
+ One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
+there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
+ "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
+commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
+Purpose in Life, anyway?"
+ Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
+Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
+ Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
+ Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
+ -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
+%
+ COMMENT
+
+Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
+A medley of extemporanea;
+And love is thing that can never go wrong;
+And I am Marie of Roumania.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+ Deck Us All With Boston Charlie
+
+Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
+Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
+Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
+Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
+
+Don't we know archaic barrel,
+Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
+Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
+Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
+ -- Walt Kelly
+%
+ During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
+were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a
+red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
+"Hey, you almost hit my wife."
+ "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a
+shot at mine, over there."
+%
+ Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
+called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
+have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
+most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the
+time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
+have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
+although God alone knows why it would want to.
+ The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
+direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes
+have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
+direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents
+harmful electron buildup in the wires.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+ Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
+mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
+"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
+how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
+"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
+So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
+ -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
+%
+ Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
+other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
+the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
+d'oeuvres.
+ Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
+to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
+Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
+piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
+ Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
+inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
+other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
+placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
+the little hammers strike.
+ Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
+their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
+Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
+
+ You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
+you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
+4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
+%
+ FIGHTING WORDS
+
+Say my love is easy had,
+ Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
+Say I am too often sad --
+ Still behold me at your side.
+
+Say I'm neither brave nor young,
+ Say I woo and coddle care,
+Say the devil touched my tongue --
+ Still you have my heart to wear.
+
+But say my verses do not scan,
+ And I get me another man!
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+ "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
+of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
+
+ "Whose?"
+
+ "MINE! HA-HA!"
+%
+ "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an
+extracurricular activity except you."
+ "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
+ "Only to ten, Mudhead."
+
+ -- Firesign Theater
+%
+ GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917
+
+On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
+Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
+off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
+wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
+mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
+tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
+stood lookout.
+%
+ Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the
+month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people
+are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China.
+ The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either
+(depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax
+tadpole".
+ Bite the wax tadpole.
+ There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
+ The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's
+hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to
+bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad,
+but broad satiric vistas do not open up.
+ -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
+%
+ Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
+willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
+for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say
+"shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home
+centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
+trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
+because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
+object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
+ Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
+broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
+a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
+inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
+same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
+an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
+these sometime around the middle of next week".
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+ How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
+3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand,
+who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a
+nanocentury.
+ -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
+%
+ Hug O' War
+
+I will not play at tug o' war.
+I'd rather play at hug o' war,
+Where everyone hugs
+Instead of tugs,
+Where everyone giggles
+And rolls on the rug,
+Where everyone kisses,
+And everyone grins,
+And everyone cuddles,
+And everyone wins.
+ -- Shel Silverstein
+%
+ Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small
+misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of
+the mind. But the machine has no corners. Despite all the attempts to
+see the computer as a brain, the machine has no foreground or
+background. It can be programmed to behave as if it were working with
+uncertainty, but -- underneath, at the code, at the circuits -- it
+cannot simultaneously do something and withhold for later something that
+remains unknown. In the painstaking working out of the specification,
+line by code line, the programmer confronts an awful, inevitable truth:
+The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct.
+ -- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine"
+%
+ "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
+quavering voice.
+ "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
+course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
+I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
+Elven-lore:
+
+ "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
+ Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
+ Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
+ This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
+ The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
+ The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
+ If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
+ If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
+ -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
+%
+ I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because
+we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently
+leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say,
+in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had
+time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the
+library, we could call each other up:
+
+ You: Hello? Bob?
+ Bob: Yes?
+ You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
+ took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
+ Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
+ You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
+ "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
+ I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
+ and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
+ the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
+ have to get back to you.
+ Bob: Fine.
+ -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
+%
+ "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
+ Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
+till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
+you!'"
+ "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
+objected.
+ "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
+tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
+less."
+ "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
+so many different things."
+ "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
+that's all."
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
+%
+ "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
+that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
+more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
+might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
+otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
+otherwise.'"
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
+%
+ If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
+around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
+explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The
+"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
+deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
+better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
+with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
+you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
+successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
+ And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
+You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How
+difficult can it be?"
+ Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible,
+which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying
+other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
+yourself for far less money. This article can help you.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+ In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
+junior, what are you up to?"
+ "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
+rabbit.
+ "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"
+ "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the
+rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied
+expression on his face.
+ Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?"
+ "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits
+devour wolves."
+ "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?"
+ "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes
+out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw.
+Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody
+should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting
+next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox.
+
+The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important --
+it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
+%
+ INVENTORY
+Four be the things I am wiser to know:
+Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
+
+Four be the things I'd been better without:
+Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
+
+Three be the things I shall never attain:
+Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
+
+Three be the things I shall have till I die:
+Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
+%
+ It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
+laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
+thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
+nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
+for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
+ Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
+under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
+icepacks.
+ -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
+%
+ Love's Drug
+
+My love is like an iron wand
+ That conks me on the head,
+My love is like the valium
+ That I take before my bed,
+My love is like the pint of scotch
+ That I drink when I be dry;
+And I shall love thee still, my dear,
+ Until my wife is wise.
+%
+ Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
+Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
+pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
+military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
+Esther and hustle them off to prison.
+ They can't prove who they are because they've left their
+passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
+and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
+movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
+charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
+ The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
+they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
+if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
+her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
+possible, and turns to Murray.
+ "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
+spits in the sergeants face.
+ "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+ No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider
+the furniture!
+ -- Sherlock Holmes
+%
+ Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
+tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
+ Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
+plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
+they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
+Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
+administration. In either the hardware or housewares department,
+you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
+described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
+interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
+that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
+ This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it
+inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
+so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
+if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
+direct sunlight.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+ On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
+receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
+income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
+$283 on the desk before the cashier.
+ "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
+route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
+ "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
+business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
+worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
+%
+ Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a
+great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to
+the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of
+life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But
+one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is
+going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I
+shall die of boredom."
+ The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that
+current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the
+rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!"
+ But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go,
+and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.
+Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current
+lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
+ And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried,
+"See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the
+Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current
+said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us
+free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this
+adventure.
+ But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to
+the rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
+%
+ One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How
+enthusiastic is our support for UNIX?
+ Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many
+years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines.
+Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple
+language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for
+students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for
+interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of
+its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on
+VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
+ It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will
+run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and
+will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
+ With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and
+quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With
+VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of
+documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the
+difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS
+is that it's all there.
+ -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984
+%
+ Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
+requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
+into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
+problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
+radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
+plumbing works.
+ A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
+except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
+it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
+and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
+all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
+kill you.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+ "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
+Candy
+Is dandy
+But liquor
+Is quicker.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+ "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated
+thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY
+advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
+ "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
+ "Too proud?" the other enquired.
+ Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
+she said, "that one can't help growing older."
+ "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
+proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
+ -- Lewis Carroll
+%
+ So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
+With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
+maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of
+corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to
+flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward
+it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --
+I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in
+the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.
+ Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and
+I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our
+heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're
+unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water
+up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the
+opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of
+our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all
+the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers
+cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen
+these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked
+into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
+%
+ "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")
+
+On the good ship Enterprise
+Every week there's a new surprise
+Where the Romulans lurk
+And the Klingons often go berserk.
+
+Yes, the good ship Enterprise
+There's excitement anywhere it flies
+Where Tribbles play
+And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.
+
+ See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
+ Mr. Spock is at his side.
+ The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
+ It gets fried, scattered far and wide.
+
+It's the good ship Enterprise
+Heading out where danger lies
+And you live in dread
+If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
+ -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE
+
+SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
+Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for
+Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
+with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
+END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
+a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus
+they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
+the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP
+
+This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
+an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said
+to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL
+
+SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
+Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
+compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
+coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
+sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
+compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
+infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE
+
+Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
+unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just
+are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions.
+SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at
+parties.
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C-
+
+This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
+submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
+best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the
+language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
+statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very
+similar to COBOL.
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH
+
+FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
+refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
+JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
+BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
+CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
+
+The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
+financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include
+VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
+and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
+who end up using this language.
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE
+
+Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
+DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The
+language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
+and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A
+spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
+ours."
+
+The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have
+almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
+organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
+exist.
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
+From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,
+VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.
+
+Here is a sample program:
+ LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
+ IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND
+ VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN
+ FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
+ DO*WAH - (DITTY**2)
+ BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
+ SURE
+ LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
+ REALLY
+ LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
+ IM*SURE
+ GOTO THE MALL
+
+When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:
+
+ GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK
+
+This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
+Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
+the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
+
+The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
+while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
+because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
+Perrier.
+
+Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
+and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
+case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
+message:
+ "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can
+ you find the time to try it again?"
+%
+ The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the
+klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
+
+ "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
+
+ "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
+%
+ The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the
+Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a
+large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress'
+it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the
+apparatus for a spectator sport.
+
+ The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
+castrating pigs during Sunday service.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+ The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
+as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
+The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
+the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in
+twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.
+
+ "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
+everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
+fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one --
+and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
+
+ "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
+
+ Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
+ -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar"
+%
+ THE WOMBAT
+
+The wombat lives across the seas,
+Among the far Antipodes.
+He may exist on nuts and berries,
+Or then again, on missionaries;
+His distant habitat precludes
+Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
+But I would not engage the wombat
+In any form of mortal combat.
+%
+ THEORY
+Into love and out again,
+ Thus I went and thus I go.
+Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
+ Well and bitterly I know
+All the songs were ever sung,
+ All the words were ever said;
+Could it be, when I was young,
+ Someone dropped me on my head?
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+ There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
+someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
+Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
+Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
+every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
+this?
+ Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
+centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you
+can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
+forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
+-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
+even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
+why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+ Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
+rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
+than he does.
+ As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
+it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
+sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
+consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is
+being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
+ The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can
+do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
+honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
+be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
+relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
+Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes.
+This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
+ -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
+ from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
+ and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
+%
+ To A Quick Young Fox:
+Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
+Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
+Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --
+Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
+ -- Lazy Dog
+%
+ "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past
+year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley
+reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their
+artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue
+moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon
+Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the
+entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the
+sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips."
+
+ "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
+
+ "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made
+good copy."
+ -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
+%
+ WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
+
+Firings will continue until morale improves.
+%
+ We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.
+But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle
+Haggard song at a French restaurant. ...
+ I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of
+her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I
+had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone
+told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was
+lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he
+fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing
+what men must do. ...
+ "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible
+sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew
+not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a
+quiet and peace I will never forget.
+ "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the
+tollway belle's for thee."
+ The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was
+a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I
+poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day.
+ -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
+ Competition
+%
+ "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty
+teenager asked her mother.
+ "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
+%
+ "What's that thing?"
+ "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
+computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
+it does. We call it a two-by-four."
+ -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
+%
+ When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
+clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer
+to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively.
+ In a way, the next move is up to him.
+ -- R. A. Lafferty
+%
+ "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
+airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
+deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
+when I was young!"
+ "Why, what did she tell you?"
+ "I don't know, I didn't listen!"
+ -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+ YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF
+ PAPER SHUFFLING!
+
+Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
+a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel
+really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
+
+Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
+to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and
+make really big Zorkmids."
+
+MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
+you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
+
+ SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
+%
+ You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
+Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
+parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
+ -- Sherlock Holmes
+%
+ Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that
+bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a
+chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home
+electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit
+breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires
+until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can
+damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change
+your fuses regularly.
+ Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This
+sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more
+often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case
+you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not
+sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a
+fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed
+electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession,
+such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette
+table, etc.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+ _
+ _ / \ o
+ / \ | | o o o
+ | | | | _ o o o o
+ | \_| | / \ o o o
+ \__ | | | o o
+ | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____
+ | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__
+ | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\
+ | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " )
+ | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >-----------
+ | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\
+ | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\
+ // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\
+ // ( ) / / \` \__ \\
+ //-------------------------------------------------------------\\
+
+Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
+start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
+then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
+music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
+%
+ n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
+ n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
+ n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
+ n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
+ n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
+
+ -- C code which reverses the bits in a word.
+%
+ n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1);
+ n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2);
+ n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4);
+ n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8);
+ n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16);
+
+ -- C code which counts the bits in a word.
+%
+" ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
+pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!"
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
+have turned into a pile of dust.
+%
+... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
+was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+"... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known
+quotations."
+ -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
+%
+"... all the modern inconveniences ..."
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
+picturesque liar."
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
+%
+... And malt does more than Milton can
+To justify God's ways to man
+ -- A. E. Housman
+%
+"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
+your own."
+ -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
+ Preposterous Words
+%
+... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
+ -- J. B. White
+%
+... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
+%
+... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
+easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
+and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
+upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
+without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
+on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
+was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
+sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
+human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
+intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
+we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
+that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
+of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard
+example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
+makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
+whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
+finite or an infinite number.
+ -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
+%
+... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
+ -- Virginia Masters
+%
+... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this
+business, it probably would be gibberish.
+ -- Thom McLeod
+%
+ Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
+%
+... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
+and you would not have been informed.
+%
+" I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights
+instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is
+standing still ..."
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
+supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
+actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
+ Points in l'Amour"
+%
+... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
+the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
+asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a
+KOSHER DELI!!
+%
+... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
+smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is
+not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
+ -- Stephen Crane
+%
+... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
+legally ... impeccable!
+%
+... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
+Alley!!
+%
+... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to
+get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
+the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
+on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
+children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
+snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
+to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
+a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
+outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does
+he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
+Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks
+Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
+kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your
+children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
+quickly.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
+with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
+shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
+advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
+shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
+them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
+lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
+their C programs."
+ -- Robert Firth
+%
+... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
+Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One
+thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If
+somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it
+on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what
+a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
+ -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
+%
+... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
+who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
+and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
+and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
+ -- Voltarine de Cleyre
+%
+... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
+procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
+to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
+sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
+documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
+listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
+documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
+under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
+effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
+scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
+in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
+thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
+then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
+dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all
+along.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
+%
+... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that
+consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune
+of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to
+listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+"... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..."
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
+%
+... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
+other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
+charity we can only call "inhuman."
+ -- R. A. Lafferty
+%
+... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives
+as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as
+determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people
+buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s
+couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three
+weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available,
+they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent
+restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of
+excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going
+off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have
+a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli.
+ -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
+%
!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
%
(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
@@ -13,20 +1632,15 @@ Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
(2) Nothing is always.
(3) Everything is sometimes.
%
-1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
-the law!
-%
-10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
-%
-100 buckets of bits on the bus
+100 buckets of bits on the bus
100 buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
-FF buckets of bits on the bus
+FF buckets of bits on the bus
-FF buckets of bits on the bus
+FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
-FE buckets of bits on the bus
+FE buckets of bits on the bus
ad infinitum...
%
@@ -34,6 +1648,8 @@ $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%
+10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
+%
101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
(1) Scarecrow for centipedes
(2) Dead cat brush
@@ -50,6 +1666,9 @@ which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
(100) Killer velcro
(101) Currency
%
+1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
+the law!
+%
186,282 miles per second:
It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
@@ -58,6 +1677,12 @@ It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
office did he later hold?
%
+3 syncs represent the trinity - init, the child and the eternal zombie
+process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such
+traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find
+ourselves in.
+ -- Jordan K. Hubbard
+%
$3,000,000
%
"355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible
@@ -67,6 +1692,14 @@ simulation!"
Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
%
+7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
+ The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
+ Redwood Forest.
+%
+7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
+ The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
+ Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
+%
77. HO HUM -- The Redundant
------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
@@ -83,14 +1716,6 @@ Six in the third place means:
In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue
Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
%
-7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
- The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
- Redwood Forest.
-%
-7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
- The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
- Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
-%
99 blocks of crud on the disk,
99 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
@@ -101,26 +1726,6 @@ You patch a bug, and dump it again:
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
101 blocks of crud on the disk! ...
%
-A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
-"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
- -- Mahatma Ghandi
-%
-A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
-Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific
-game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have
-traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there,
-preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
- -- Donald A. Metz
-%
-A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and
-placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or
-rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results
-from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball
-and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the
-ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical
-phenomena.
- -- Donald A. Metz
-%
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
%
@@ -145,9 +1750,6 @@ A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
%
A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
%
-... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
-have turned into a pile of dust.
-%
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours.
%
@@ -227,27 +1829,8 @@ coat.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.
%
- A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was
-eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality
-test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
- Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into
-the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
-%
A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ...
%
- A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
-about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their
-arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
-the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
-Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
-incredible surgical feat."
- The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the
-Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
-that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an
-architect."
- The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
-"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
-%
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
-- Ogden Nash
%
@@ -272,14 +1855,14 @@ subject.
%
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
%
-A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
-superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
- -- G. B. Shaw
-%
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an
elephant.
%
+A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
+superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
-- D. Gries
%
@@ -308,11 +1891,32 @@ But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ___
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort
of).
%
+A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
+Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific
+game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have
+traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there,
+preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
+ -- Donald A. Metz
+%
+A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and
+placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or
+rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results
+from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball
+and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the
+ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical
+phenomena.
+ -- Donald A. Metz
+%
A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened
into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
hope of greening the landscape of idea.
-- John Ciardi
%
+A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever
+gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes,
+then asks the backhoe operator for directions.
+ -- Bill Bradford <mrbill@mrbill.net>
+%
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices.
-- William James
@@ -349,10 +1953,6 @@ who has the better lawyer.
%
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
%
-A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
-%
-A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
-%
A lady with one of her ears applied
To an open keyhole heard, inside,
Two female gossips in converse free --
@@ -408,22 +2008,6 @@ A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I
believe everything positively stinks.
-- Lew Col
%
- A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
-first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
- "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
-and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
- "But the collar is up around my ears!"
- "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
-little more ... that's it."
- "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
- "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
-go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
- So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
-street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
- "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
- "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
- -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"
"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a
@@ -432,24 +2016,6 @@ sense of obligation."
%
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
%
- A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his
-novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how
-insignificant," said the master.
-
- "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
-
- "It is," came the reply.
-
- "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
-
- "It is even in a video game," said the master.
-
- "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
-
- The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The
-lesson is over for today," he said.
- -- "The Tao of Programming"
-%
A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
%
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
@@ -464,13 +2030,24 @@ paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
fall over gently onto their backs.
-- Audobon Society Magazine
-%
- A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
-the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
-pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
-nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..."
- "If what?" asked the composer.
- "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
+
+2001-02-02, from http://news.bbc.co.uk:
+
+For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS)
+monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as
+Lynx helicopters passed overhead.
+
+"Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over,"
+said team leader Dr Richard Stone.
+
+"As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped
+calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated
+with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct,
+really."
+
+The conclusion, said Dr Stone, is that flights over 305 metres
+(1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects"
+on king penguins.
%
A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out
on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed
@@ -502,17 +2079,9 @@ right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
%
- A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
-removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
-doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
-amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
-limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
-larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
-power-down sequence.
- An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
-building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
-bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
-cool.
+A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
+"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
+ -- Mahatma Ghandi
%
A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power
off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly:
@@ -534,7 +2103,7 @@ A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
%
A pig is a jolly companion,
Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
-A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
+A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
Though mountains may topple and tilt.
When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
@@ -543,25 +2112,6 @@ You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
You'll never go wrong with a pig!
-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
%
- A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
- by Mark Twain
-
- For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
-to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
-be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
-would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
-might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
-same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
-"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
- Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
-with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
-or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
-Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
-ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
-ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
- Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
-hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
-%
"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"
-- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
%
@@ -585,13 +2135,6 @@ That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was
too.
-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
- A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came
-upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
-"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow
-man".
- As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
-he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
-%
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
%
"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
@@ -666,29 +2209,9 @@ keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those
that are worth committing.
-- Samuel Butler
%
- A Severe Strain on the Credulity
-
-As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest
-parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
-is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one
-considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one
-begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really
-starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor
-maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left.
-Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing
-of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to
-re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum
-against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the
-knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
- -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
-%
A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
-- Prof. Steiner
%
-... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
-was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
-- O'Henry
%
@@ -696,19 +2219,25 @@ A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
bad measures.
-- Daniel Webster
%
-A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
-exam.
-%
A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to
Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it
true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as
Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt
shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick.
%
+A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
+exam.
+%
A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
undreamed of by its author.
-- S. C. Johnson
%
+A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over
+Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the
+other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing
+new versions of their own innards!
+ -- Michael O'Brien
+%
A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
%
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
@@ -749,12 +2278,12 @@ And that's not saying much for the turtle.
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
getting nervous.
%
-A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
-people's attention.
-%
"A witty saying proves nothing."
-- Voltaire
%
+A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
+people's attention.
+%
"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to
admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact
remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one
@@ -847,14 +2376,6 @@ Accordion, n.:
Accuracy, n.:
The vice of being right
%
- ACHTUNG!!!
-
-Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
-schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
-spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
-rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
-vatch das blinkenlights!!!
-%
Acid -- better living through chemistry.
%
Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
@@ -907,22 +2428,7 @@ way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
-- Sinclair Lewis
%
Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
-then at least be asceptic.
-%
-After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose
-names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary
-Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted
-many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi
-Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two
-different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current
-developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer
-attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led
-to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today,
-skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously
-injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it
-hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
-that it sinks like a stone.
- -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
+then at least be aseptic.
%
After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
@@ -932,10 +2438,6 @@ more advanced than the lichen family.
%
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
%
-"... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known
-quotations."
- -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
-%
After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not
for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have
simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
@@ -944,18 +2446,20 @@ simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
on the bench.
%
- After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
-Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
-and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
-to be created."
- "This is true," He replied.
- "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
- "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
-right to make his laws?"
- "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
-make his own."
- It was so granted.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose
+names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary
+Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted
+many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi
+Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two
+different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current
+developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer
+attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led
+to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today,
+skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously
+injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it
+hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
+that it sinks like a stone.
+ -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%
"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
@@ -971,13 +2475,13 @@ After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
removed.
%
-Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a
-change.
-%
Afternoon, n.:
That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
morning.
%
+Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a
+change.
+%
Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.
-- Dorothy Parker
%
@@ -987,9 +2491,7 @@ still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise
to commit.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
-Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
-%
-Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
+Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
there's the rub.
For all dreams are not equal,
@@ -998,6 +2500,8 @@ most end with the dreamer
But at least one must be lived ... and died.
%
+Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
+%
"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
@@ -1036,12 +2540,6 @@ Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
them keeps paying for it.
-- Peggy Joyce
%
-All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
-upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
-visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
-informing, stimulating and ennobling.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
than others.
-- Alan Truscott
@@ -1110,9 +2608,6 @@ decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
if it rains?"
-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
%
-"... all the modern inconveniences ..."
- -- Mark Twain
-%
All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
ridiculous ones.
-- La Rochefoucauld
@@ -1151,6 +2646,12 @@ infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
which he was born.
-- Francois Fenelon
%
+All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
+upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
+visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
+informing, stimulating and ennobling.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
Alliance, n.:
In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
@@ -1202,16 +2703,6 @@ that way."
%
Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
%
- AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
-
-If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
-across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
-%
- AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
-
-There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
-would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
-%
Ambidextrous, adj.:
Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
@@ -1251,24 +2742,6 @@ not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax."
%
An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
%
- An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He
-knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with
-great restraint.
- As he designs the first work, frill after frill and
-embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away
-to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished,
-and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of
-that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.
- This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.
-When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will
-confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems,
-and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that
-are particular and not generalizable.
- The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using
-all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first
-one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
- -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
-%
An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
%
An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
@@ -1315,10 +2788,6 @@ they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
%
An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
%
-"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
-picturesque liar."
- -- Mark Twain
-%
An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these
eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as
possible.
@@ -1326,16 +2795,6 @@ possible.
%
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
%
- An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
-in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
- "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
-you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
-an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
-hour seems like a minute."
- The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
-moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
- -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge."
%
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
@@ -1352,25 +2811,14 @@ That others may know
-- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
%
-... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
-%
And I heard Jeff exclaim,
As they strolled out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all --
You take credit cards, right?"
-- "Outsiders" comic
%
-... And malt does more than Milton can
-To justify God's ways to man
- -- A. E. Housman
-%
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
%
-"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
-your own."
- -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
- Preposterous Words
-%
And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it
looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One
@@ -1393,10 +2841,6 @@ ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the
world.
-- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
%
- "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
-asked the father of his little son.
- "Diet."
-%
And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have
a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks
tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets
@@ -1419,21 +2863,6 @@ Anoint, v.:
sufficiently slippery.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
- Another Glitch in the Call
- ------- ------ -- --- ----
- (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.)
-
-We don't need no indirection
-We don't need no flow control
-No data typing or declarations
-Did you leave the lists alone?
-
- Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!
-
-Chorus:
- All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
- All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
-%
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
%
Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
@@ -1443,19 +2872,6 @@ offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath.
-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
Do"
%
- Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
-
-(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
-(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
-(3) I don't know.
-(4) Who cares?
-(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
- Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
-(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
- book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
- bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
- Papyrus Books).
-%
Anthony's Law of Force:
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
%
@@ -1470,9 +2886,6 @@ Corollary:
Antonym, n.:
The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
%
-Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.
- -- Charles McCabe
-%
Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
-- Charles McCabe
%
@@ -1562,10 +2975,6 @@ tried taking candy from a baby.
%
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
%
-Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
-%
-Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
-%
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the
price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
means the price went way up.
@@ -1610,8 +3019,6 @@ ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --
%
Are you a turtle?
%
-Are you a turtle?
-%
"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
@@ -1769,11 +3176,11 @@ Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
one went to Harvard).
-- Edgar R. Fiedler
%
-Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
-%
Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
Station-to-Station rate.
%
+Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
+%
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the
bathtub, it tolls for thee.
%
@@ -1804,17 +3211,29 @@ not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where
it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
-- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
%
-At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
-challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
- -- The Washington Post Magazine, 9 June, 1985
+At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know...
+We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit
+around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At
+least that's what we thought. Then it got worse.
+
+It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a
+while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that
+crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just
+have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little
+`more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day.
+Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even
+function as a normal person.
+
+I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If
+you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you
+some UNIX,
+
+ Just Say No!
%
At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
-- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985
%
-... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
- -- J. B. White
-%
"At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents"
%
At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
@@ -1946,23 +3365,6 @@ They have no time for birth controls
And that is why in times like these
There are so many Sons of Bees.
%
- Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
-took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his
-followers.
- One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
-there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
- "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
-commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
-Purpose in Life, anyway?"
- Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
-Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
- Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
- Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
- -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
-%
-Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's
-ego.
-%
Begathon, n.:
A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
you won't have to watch commercials.
@@ -1978,8 +3380,6 @@ looking and richer male friend.
%
"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
%
-"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
-%
Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
%
Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
@@ -1990,6 +3390,10 @@ Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"
-- Time Bandits
%
+Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down
+to the copy center and make as many copies as you want."
+ -- Kirk McKusick
+%
Besides the device, the box should contain:
* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
@@ -2011,13 +3415,15 @@ WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
%
Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon.
%
+Better dead than mellow.
+%
better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus <north pole >town
cat /etc/passwd >list
-ncheck list
+ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice >giftlist
@@ -2030,8 +3436,6 @@ for (goodness sake) {
be good
}
%
-Better dead than mellow.
-%
Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson
Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate.
Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and
@@ -2091,8 +3495,6 @@ Bizoos, n.:
basketball.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
-... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
-%
Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
%
Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as
@@ -2124,7 +3526,7 @@ vividly manifests their lack of progress.
Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
%
-BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!
+BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!
%
Boob's Law:
You always find something in the last place you look.
@@ -2148,16 +3550,16 @@ the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
ornamental stud."
%
+Boston, n.:
+ Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
+finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
+%
Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry
that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation
straightened out for a crowbar.
-- O. W. Holmes
%
-Boston, n.:
- Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
-finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
-%
-"Boy, life takes a long time to live
+Boy, life takes a long time to live
-- Steven Wright
%
Boy, n.:
@@ -2227,14 +3629,25 @@ in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when
this occurs, they are an endangered species.
-- Thomas K. Connellan
%
-Brook's Law:
- Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
-%
Brooke's Law:
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it
beyond recognition.
%
+Brooks's Law:
+ Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
+%
+Brucify, v:
+ 1: Kill by nailing onto style(9); "David O'Brien was brucified"
+ 2: Annoy constantly by reminding of potential improvements
+ [syn: {torment}, {rag}, {tantalize}, {bedevil}, {dun},
+ {frustrate}]
+ 3: Fix problems that were indicated in an earlier brucification
+ (of one of the two other meanings).
+The word 'brucify' originally comes from the style-reviews of Bruce
+Evans of the FreeBSD project, but is now also sometimes used for
+reviews just done in his spirit.
+%
Bubble Memory, n.:
A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
@@ -2283,33 +3696,11 @@ Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
(4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
-- Robert Burns
%
-... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
-easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
-and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
-upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
-without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
-on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
-was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
-sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
-human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations
paws."
%
"But I don't like Spam!!!!"
%
-... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
-intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
-we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
-that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
-of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard
-example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
-makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
-whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
-finite or an infinite number.
- -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
-%
But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
@@ -2358,9 +3749,6 @@ kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs,
poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I
explained yet about the bytes?"
%
-... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
- -- Virginia Masters
-%
"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
computers?"
%
@@ -2568,13 +3956,6 @@ Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny--
Did you ever try buying them without money?
-- Ogden Nash
%
- Chapter 1
-
-The story so far:
-
- In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
-of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
-%
Character Density, n.:
The number of very weird people in the office.
%
@@ -2594,6 +3975,9 @@ Chemistry is applied theology.
%
Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
%
+Chicago, n.:
+ Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
+%
Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
@@ -2605,9 +3989,6 @@ for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will
cheerfully baste you.
-- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
%
-Chicago, n.:
- Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
-%
Chicken Little only has to be right once.
%
Chicken Little was right.
@@ -2675,10 +4056,10 @@ shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
%
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
%
-Cleveland still lives. God ____must be dead.
-%
"Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day."
%
+Cleveland still lives. God ____must be dead.
+%
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
%
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
@@ -2696,7 +4077,7 @@ Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."
-- Blair Houghton
%
-Coincidence, n.:
+Coincidence, n.:
You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
going on.
%
@@ -2748,18 +4129,15 @@ Command, n.:
Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
%
- COMMENT
-
-Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
-A medley of extemporanea;
-And love is thing that can never go wrong;
-And I am Marie of Roumania.
- -- Dorothy Parker
-%
Commitment, n.:
Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
%
+Committee, n.:
+ A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
+decide that nothing can be done.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%
Committee Rules:
(1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
(2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
@@ -2770,11 +4148,6 @@ Committee Rules:
(5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
%
-Committee, n.:
- A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
-decide that nothing can be done.
- -- Fred Allen
-%
Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
be appointed to do the work.
%
@@ -2815,10 +4188,6 @@ Concept, n.:
Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
$25,000.
%
-... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this
-business, it probably would be gibberish.
- -- Thom McLeod
-%
Condense soup, not books!
%
Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is
@@ -2934,11 +4303,6 @@ eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
-- Johnny Hart
%
-"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
-eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
-business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
- -- Johnny Hart
-%
Cynic, n.:
A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking
@@ -2963,8 +4327,8 @@ Dawn, n.:
%
Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
%
-%DCL-MEM-BAD, bad memory
-VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears
+%DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory
+-SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears
%
Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also
easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to
@@ -3049,19 +4413,6 @@ addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang).
-- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing
Assoc.
%
- Deck Us All With Boston Charlie
-
-Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
-Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
-Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
-Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
-
-Don't we know archaic barrel,
-Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
-Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
-Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
- -- Walt Kelly
-%
"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a
theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah,
@@ -3082,12 +4433,10 @@ come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.
-- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
%
- DELETE A FORTUNE!
+Definitions of hardware and software for dummies:
-Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like
-to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to
-"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
-gets expunged.
+ Hardware is what you kick;
+ Software is what you curse.
%
Deliberation, n.:
The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
@@ -3109,7 +4458,7 @@ aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
%
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
- -- G. B. Shaw
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
%
Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
don't think.
@@ -3156,44 +4505,22 @@ be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
the table.
-- The Anarchist Cookbook
%
- DETERIORATA
-
-Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
-And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
-Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
-Rotate your tires.
-Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
-And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
-Know what to kiss -- and when.
-Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
-But that three do.
-Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
-Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
-And despite the changing fortunes of time,
-There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
-
- You are a fluke of the universe ...
- You have no right to be here.
- Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
- Is laughing behind your back.
- -- National Lampoon
-%
DeVries's Dilemma:
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
hits the paper.
%
Did I say 2? I lied.
%
-Did you know ...
-
-That no-one ever reads these things?
-%
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
%
+Did you know ...
+
+That no-one ever reads these things?
+%
Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states:
@@ -3202,14 +4529,14 @@ that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states:
-- ihuxw!tommyo
%
-Die, v.:
- To stop sinning suddenly.
- -- Elbert Hubbard
-%
"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a
conventional thing to happen to him."
-- John Barrymore's dying words
%
+Die, v.:
+ To stop sinning suddenly.
+ -- Elbert Hubbard
+%
Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
%
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
@@ -3219,10 +4546,6 @@ Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
%
Disc space -- the final frontier!
%
-Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
-yours too."
- -- Dave Haynie
-%
Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my
employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely
coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
@@ -3232,6 +4555,10 @@ The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for
the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal,
non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
%
+Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
+yours too."
+ -- Dave Haynie
+%
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
%
Distinctive, adj.:
@@ -3292,6 +4619,16 @@ be good because the programmers hate it so much.
%
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
%
+Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she
+ pretty?
+W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
+ bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to
+ sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
+Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
+W. C.: It's almost impossible.
+ -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson
+ E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
+%
Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
%
Don't be humble ... you're not that great.
@@ -3389,35 +4726,6 @@ busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
%
Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
%
-Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she
- pretty?
-W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
- bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to
- sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
-Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
-W. C.: It's almost impossible.
- -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson
- E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
-%
- Double Bucky
- (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")
-
-Double bucky, you're the one!
-You make my keyboard lots of fun
- Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
-(Vo-vo-de-o!)
-Control and Meta side by side,
-Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
- Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
-
-Double bucky, left and right
-OR'd together, outta sight!
- Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
- Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
- Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
-
- -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr.
-%
Double-Blind Experiment, n.:
An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a
@@ -3458,13 +4766,6 @@ and captain of your soul.
Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
discontinued.
%
- During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
-were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a
-red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
-"Hey, you almost hit my wife."
- "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a
-shot at mine, over there."
-%
During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
%
@@ -3495,8 +4796,6 @@ the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this
means the puzzle is solved.
-- Steve Rubenstein
%
- Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
-%
"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work."
%
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
@@ -3565,20 +4864,6 @@ All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
%
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
%
- Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
-called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
-have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
-most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the
-time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
-have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
-although God alone knows why it would want to.
- The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
-direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes
-have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
-direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents
-harmful electron buildup in the wires.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
Electrocution, n.:
Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
%
@@ -3615,7 +4900,7 @@ Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven
Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben.
- -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
-- Woody Allen
@@ -3760,6 +5045,11 @@ Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
that a belch is more satisfying.
-- Ingmar Bergman
%
+Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about
+something you know.
+ -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav,
+ June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List
+%
Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
%
Everything you know is wrong!
@@ -3771,14 +5061,6 @@ There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
straight lines.
-- R. Buckminster Fuller
%
- Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
-mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
-"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
-how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
-"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
-So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
- -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
-%
Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.
%
Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
@@ -3841,18 +5123,18 @@ disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print
this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and
completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
%
-F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
-%
-f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
-%
-f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
-%
F: When into a room I plunge, I
Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
Then I linger, darkly brooding
On the poison they're exuding.
-- The Roguelet's ABC
%
+f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
+%
+f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
+%
+F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
+%
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
%
Fairy Tale, n.:
@@ -3882,13 +5164,11 @@ Then he will crown a tranquil life
By becoming a Cabinet Minister
-- Su Tung-p'o
%
-Famous last words:
+Famous, adj.:
+ Conspicuously miserable.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
%
Famous last words:
- (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
- (2) "You and what army?"
- (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
- a cop."
%
Famous last words:
(1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
@@ -3899,9 +5179,11 @@ Famous last words:
(6) Don't worry, it's not loaded.
(7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
%
-Famous, adj.:
- Conspicuously miserable.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
+Famous last words:
+ (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
+ (2) "You and what army?"
+ (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
+ a cop."
%
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
@@ -3922,27 +5204,6 @@ Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ...
Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children,
neither will you.
%
- Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
-other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
-the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
-d'oeuvres.
- Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
-to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
-Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
-piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
- Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
-inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
-other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
-placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
-the little hammers strike.
- Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
-their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
-Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
-
- You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
-you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
-4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
-%
Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
@@ -3959,22 +5220,6 @@ Walked by on flippered feet
And with their slime they made the time
Unnaturally fleet.
%
- FIGHTING WORDS
-
-Say my love is easy had,
- Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
-Say I am too often sad --
- Still behold me at your side.
-
-Say I'm neither brave nor young,
- Say I woo and coddle care,
-Say the devil touched my tongue --
- Still you have my heart to wear.
-
-But say my verses do not scan,
- And I get me another man!
- -- Dorothy Parker
-%
Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
Carolina.
%
@@ -4022,6 +5267,16 @@ Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:
P.O. Box 35
Baffled Greek, Michigan
%
+First, a few words about tools.
+
+Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
+the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
+injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If
+you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
+particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
+granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
Machines that piss people off get murdered.
-- Pat Taber
@@ -4043,17 +5298,7 @@ First Rule of History:
other.
%
"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order"
- -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
-%
-First, a few words about tools.
-
-Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
-the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
-injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If
-you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
-particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
-granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+ -- Dr. Who, "Doctor Who"
%
Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
-- Robert Firth
@@ -4126,7 +5371,7 @@ Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
%
For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
%
-For a good time, call (415) 642-9483
+For a good time, call (510) 642-9483
%
For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
cat.
@@ -4143,13 +5388,6 @@ and wrong.
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
-- R. Clopton
%
- "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
-of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
-
- "Whose?"
-
- "MINE! HA-HA!"
-%
For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
%
For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire
@@ -4189,6 +5427,13 @@ like.
phone calls taper off."
-- Johnny Carson
%
+For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model
+a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do.
+Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start
+religions.
+
+ -- Brian McGroarty <bvmcg@yahoo.com>
+%
For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --
I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
@@ -4203,6 +5448,8 @@ destitution of conscience.
%
Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
%
+fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
+%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6
RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
@@ -4210,6 +5457,12 @@ RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating
hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
%
+Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri
+sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
+
+Oh, and have a nice day!
+ -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
+%
fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:
I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
@@ -4325,14 +5578,6 @@ A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.
%
-fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
-%
-Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri
-sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
-
-Oh, and have a nice day!
- -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
-%
Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
@@ -4352,6 +5597,12 @@ almost one, it is damn near zero.
Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
policeman's tie.
%
+FreeBSD: everything but the fairings
+%
+FreeBSD: Have you had your fairings today?
+%
+FreeBSD: It's 3am at night. Do you know where your fairings are?
+%
Fresco's Discovery:
If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
%
@@ -4392,6 +5643,10 @@ FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure
via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be
applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.
%
+From a Tru64 patch description:
+
+ Fixes a bug that causes a panic due to software error
+%
[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
Association, in Rome]:
@@ -4505,13 +5760,6 @@ backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I
think not, my friend, I think not.
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
- "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an
-extracurricular activity except you."
- "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
- "Only to ten, Mudhead."
-
- -- Firesign Theater
-%
"Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore."
%
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
@@ -4562,77 +5810,8 @@ Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
%
Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
%
- Get GUMMed
- --- ------
-The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
-1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
-the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep
-each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
-chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
-nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three
-days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two
-seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
-friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is
-Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
-"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
-Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because
-all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
-could tell them.
- -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
-%
Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
%
- -- Gifts for Children --
-
-This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
-because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
-and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
-morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
-exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
-your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
-Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
-might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
-me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
-who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
- -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
-%
- -- Gifts for Men --
-
-Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
-ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
-should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
-clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
-example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
-three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
-that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
-at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
-So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
-years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
-pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
-
-If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
-than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
-of tires.
- -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
-%
- Gimmie That Old Time Religion
-We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids,
-Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods,
-I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids,
-And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me!
- (chorus) (chorus)
-
-In the church of Aphrodite,
-The priestess wears a see-through nightie,
-She's a mighty righteous sightie,
-And she's good enough for me!
- (chorus)
-
-CHORUS: Give me that old time religion,
- Give me that old time religion,
- Give me that old time religion,
- 'Cause it's good enough for me!
-%
Ginsberg's Theorem:
(1) You can't win.
(2) You can't break even.
@@ -4681,15 +5860,13 @@ Gnagloot, n.:
impress people.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
-Go 'way! You're bothering me!
-%
Go climb a gravity well!
%
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
be in owning a piece thereof.
-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
%
-//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
+Go 'way! You're bothering me!
%
God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six
days and then pulled an all-nighter.
@@ -4804,10 +5981,10 @@ Good day to let down old friends who need help.
%
Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
%
-Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
-%
Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
%
+Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
+%
Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
new lover.
%
@@ -4818,16 +5995,14 @@ Gordon's first law:
If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing
well.
%
-"Gosh that takes me back ... or forward. That's the trouble with time
-travel, you never can tell."
- -- Dr. Who
-%
Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with
time travel, you never can tell."
- -- Doctor Who "Androids of Tara"
+ -- Dr. Who, "Androids of Tara"
+%
+//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
%
Got Mole problems?
-Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
+Call Avogadro 6.02 x 10^23
%
Goto, n.:
A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
@@ -4866,16 +6041,6 @@ Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
%
Great minds run in great circles.
%
- GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917
-
-On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
-Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
-off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
-wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
-mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
-tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
-stood lookout.
-%
Green light in a.m. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic
tickets.
%
@@ -4905,6 +6070,12 @@ offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
-- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
%
+H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
+ Slice him up before he slays you.
+ Nothing makes you look a slob
+ Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
+ -- The Roguelet's ABC
+%
H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
-- Maxwell Bodenheim
@@ -4916,21 +6087,12 @@ H. L. Mencken's Law:
Martin's Extension:
Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
%
-H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
- Slice him up before he slays you.
- Nothing makes you look a slob
- Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
- -- The Roguelet's ABC
-%
Hacker's Law:
The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
%
Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
%
-... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
-and you would not have been informed.
-%
Hail to the sun god
He sure is a fun god
Ra! Ra! Ra!
@@ -4993,10 +6155,6 @@ Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?
Hardware, n.:
The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
%
-Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand
-convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
- -- Tobias Smollet
-%
Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
The Duke is fond of kittens
He likes to take their insides out
@@ -5007,13 +6165,17 @@ Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
-- Tom Lehrer
%
-Harris's Lament:
- All the good ones are taken.
+Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand
+convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
+ -- Tobias Smollet
%
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment
ruined.
%
+Harris's Lament:
+ All the good ones are taken.
+%
Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses
@@ -5048,21 +6210,6 @@ keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use
of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is
not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.
%
- Has your family tried 'em?
-
- POWDERMILK BISCUITS
-
- Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
-
- They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the
- strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
-
- POWDERMILK BISCUITS
-
- Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the
- biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains
- that indicate freshness.
-%
Hatred, n.:
A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
superiority.
@@ -5070,8 +6217,6 @@ superiority.
%
Have an adequate day.
%
-Have an adequate day.
-%
Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
@@ -5108,6 +6253,10 @@ sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
%
Have you reconsidered a computer career?
%
+HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
+SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___OWN brains.
+ -- Walt Kelley
+%
"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental
effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable
perversion."
@@ -5157,27 +6306,12 @@ attacks democracy itself.
%
He who Laughs, Lasts.
%
-"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..."
-%
-He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be
-there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
-%
-"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
-%
-HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
-SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___OWN brains.
- -- Walt Kelley
-%
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
%
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
-- Redd Foxx
%
-Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
-of nothing.
- -- Redd Foxx
-%
Heaven, n.:
A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
@@ -5202,6 +6336,11 @@ organization.
"Hello," he lied.
-- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent
%
+Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
+%
+HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
+ -- E. E. CUMMINGS
+%
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
%
Help fight continental drift.
@@ -5210,11 +6349,6 @@ Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
%
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
%
-Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
-%
-HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
- -- E. E. CUMMINGS
-%
Her locks an ancient lady gave
Her loving husband's life to save;
And men -- they honored so the dame --
@@ -5279,34 +6413,23 @@ finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you
have carpeting.
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%
- Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the
-month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people
-are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China.
- The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either
-(depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax
-tadpole".
- Bite the wax tadpole.
- There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
- The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's
-hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to
-bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad,
-but broad satiric vistas do not open up.
- -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
-%
"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
`Psychic Wins Lottery'?"
-- Jay Leno
%
+"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..."
+%
+He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be
+there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
+%
+"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
+%
Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs,
then they'd be algorithms.
%
"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
-- W. C. Fields
%
-Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
-reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
-nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
-%
"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
@@ -5320,6 +6443,10 @@ of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.
motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'"
-- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
%
+Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
+reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
+nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
+%
Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
@@ -5365,8 +6492,6 @@ History is curious stuff
Yet the fact remains I fear
They make more of it every year.
%
-History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
-%
History, n.:
Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we
learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from
@@ -5374,6 +6499,8 @@ what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long
view.
-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
%
+History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
+%
Hlade's Law:
If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
will find an easier way to do it.
@@ -5389,23 +6516,6 @@ Hofstadter's Law into account.
Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
-- Rex Reed
%
- Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
-willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
-for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say
-"shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home
-centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
-trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
-because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
-object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
- Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
-broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
-a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
-inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
-same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
-an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
-these sometime around the middle of next week".
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
-- Chris Shaw
@@ -5457,7 +6567,7 @@ How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
- -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
%
How doth the VAX's C compiler
Improve its object code.
@@ -5502,17 +6612,15 @@ back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another
cheese!" and so on.
-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
%
- How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
-3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand,
-who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a
-nanocentury.
- -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
-%
How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
Dayton?
-- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
%
-How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
+How to become a sysop:
+ I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and
+ developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've never
+ worked a full day in my life since then.
+ -- rho/slashdot
%
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
%
@@ -5543,25 +6651,11 @@ bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on
the bill. Agreed to.
-- Albuquerque Journal
%
- Hug O' War
-
-I will not play at tug o' war.
-I'd rather play at hug o' war,
-Where everyone hugs
-Instead of tugs,
-Where everyone giggles
-And rolls on the rug,
-Where everyone kisses,
-And everyone grins,
-And everyone cuddles,
-And everyone wins.
- -- Shel Silverstein
-%
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
%
Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in
1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an
-operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral
+operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a urethral
catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of
his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took
the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the
@@ -5584,13 +6678,24 @@ other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
-- Richard M. Nixon
%
+I am a PC technician - however, this has unfortunately caused my
+computer to be running Win98.
+ -- seen on a FreeBSD mailing-list
+%
"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder
have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.
This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's
reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go
-by some more."
+buy some more."
-- timw@zeb.USWest.COM
%
+"I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
+of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell
+you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
+atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
+inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering."
+ -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
+%
I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
%
"I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!"
@@ -5618,13 +6723,6 @@ with an option to buy.
%
"I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater."
%
-"I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
-of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell
-you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
-atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
-inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering."
- -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
-%
"I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of
the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for
you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway."
@@ -5666,20 +6764,6 @@ true."
%
"I can resist anything but temptation."
%
-"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."
- -- Joe Walsh
-%
-"I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling."
- -- Florence Henderson
-%
-I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can
-understand it.
- -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.
-%
-I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
-novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
- -- Fred Allen
-%
"I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions."
-- Lillian Hellman
%
@@ -5695,27 +6779,19 @@ of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
United States would have lost World War II."
-- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
%
- "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
-quavering voice.
- "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
-course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
-I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
-Elven-lore:
-
- "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
- Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
- Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
- This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
- The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
- The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
- If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
- If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
- -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
+"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."
+ -- Joe Walsh
%
-" I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights
-instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is
-standing still ..."
- -- Steven Wright
+"I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling."
+ -- Florence Henderson
+%
+I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can
+understand it.
+ -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.
+%
+I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
+novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
+ -- Fred Allen
%
I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather
dance with the cows till you come home.
@@ -5730,27 +6806,6 @@ the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ..."
I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The
curtain was up.
%
- I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because
-we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently
-leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say,
-in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had
-time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the
-library, we could call each other up:
-
- You: Hello? Bob?
- Bob: Yes?
- You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
- took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
- Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
- You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
- "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
- I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
- and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
- the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
- have to get back to you.
- Bob: Fine.
- -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
-%
I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to
minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary
@@ -5796,24 +6851,6 @@ people waiting to abuse me."
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
-- Elvis Presley
%
-"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to."
- -- Elvis Presley
-%
- "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
- Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
-till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
-you!'"
- "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
-objected.
- "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
-tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
-less."
- "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
-so many different things."
- "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
-that's all."
- -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
-%
"I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd
eat it, and I just hate it."
-- Clarence Darrow
@@ -5939,7 +6976,7 @@ of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry."
%
I have learned
To spell hors d'oeuvres
-Which still grates on
+Which still grates on
Some people's n'oeuvres.
-- Warren Knox
%
@@ -6038,7 +7075,7 @@ was to go away."
"I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like."
%
I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
- -- G. B. Shaw
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
%
"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
-- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
@@ -6058,14 +7095,6 @@ I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
slob."
-- William F. Buckley
%
- "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
-that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
-more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
-might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
-otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
-otherwise.'"
- -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
-%
I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that
the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile
@@ -6124,17 +7153,11 @@ I tried to turn the handle, But ...
"Is that all?" asked Alice.
"That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
- -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
"I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck."
-- Graffito in Los Angeles
%
-"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
-supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
-actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
- -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
- Points in l'Amour"
-%
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
house and four people died."
-- Steven Wright
@@ -6189,6 +7212,10 @@ out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars
singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors."
-- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
%
+I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people
+could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files.
+ -- Jordan K. Hubbard
+%
I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think
we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
@@ -6203,10 +7230,6 @@ conversation ...
"I thought you were trying to get into shape."
"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
%
-" ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
-pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!"
- -- Winston Churchill
-%
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
-- Woody Allen
@@ -6308,6 +7331,11 @@ There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work."
always worked for me."
-- Hunter S. Thompson
%
+IBM had a PL/I,
+ Its syntax worse than JOSS;
+And everywhere this language went,
+ It was a total loss.
+%
"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
@@ -6340,11 +7368,11 @@ cottage cheese sculpture."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
+%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma
transplant."
%
-"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
-%
"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
@@ -6358,156 +7386,6 @@ need worrying about."
%
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
%
-"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
-carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
-I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."
- -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
-%
-I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
-listen to it!
- -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
-%
-I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
-Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
-And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
-And in our bound partition never part.
- -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
-%
-"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
-That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."
- -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
-%
-"I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from
-man."
-%
-I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
-%
-"I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my
-sister."
-%
-I'm changing my name to Chrysler
-I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
-I'll tell some power broker
- What they did for Iacocca
-Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
-I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
-I'm heading for that great receiving line.
-When they hand a million grand out,
- I'll be standing with my hand out,
-Yessir, I'll get mine!
- -- Tom Paxton
-%
-I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
-%
-"I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did."
-%
-"I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to
-die in."
- -- George McGovern
-%
-I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
- -- Fred Allen
-%
-I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
- -- Spider Robinson
-%
-... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a
-KOSHER DELI!!
-%
-"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"
- -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
-%
-i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
-living apart.
- -- e. e. cummings
-%
-I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
-N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
-I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
-She's traversed me seven times before.
-And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
-Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
-I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
-N-ary the tree I am, I am,
-N-ary the tree I am.
-%
-"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
-It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."
-%
-"I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
-life."
-%
-I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
--- I could be just as proud for half the money.
- -- Arthur Godfrey
-%
-I'm rated PG-34!!
-%
-"I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL
-soon ..."
-%
-"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
-(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."
- -- English Professor, Providence College
-%
-I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
-I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
-In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
-I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
- -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance"
-%
-"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's
-lives"
-%
-I've built a better model than the one at Data General
-For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
-My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
-My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
-My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
-You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
-There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
-My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
-
-I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
-There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
-Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
-I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
-
- -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
- "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
- by Gilbert & Sullivan)
-%
-I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
-%
-I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
-this little hole in the bottom ...
- -- John Croll
-%
-I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
-%
-I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
- -- Groucho Marx
-%
-I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
-on the same day.
-%
-"I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer."
-%
-"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer"
- -- Senator Claghorn
-%
-I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
-And from that full meridian of my glory
-I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
-Like a bright exhalation in the evening
-And no man see me more.
- -- Shakespeare
-%
-IBM had a PL/I,
- Its syntax worse than JOSS;
-And everywhere this language went,
- It was a total loss.
-%
Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box
of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
%
@@ -6524,13 +7402,13 @@ Idiot, n.:
affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
+If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
+ -- Roy Santoro
+%
If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
at about 30 miles/second.
-- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
%
-If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
- -- Roy Santoro
-%
"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."
-- Paul White
%
@@ -6559,7 +7437,7 @@ If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have
dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to
maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it
-must drop. The law of gravity supercedes the law of golf.
+must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
-- Donald A. Metz
%
"If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good
@@ -6619,11 +7497,6 @@ around a deal faster.
%
If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
%
-... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
-the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
-asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
- -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
to a can.
%
@@ -6868,14 +7741,14 @@ If you can read this, you're too close.
%
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
%
+If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
+ -- Harry S Truman
+%
If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a
call.
%
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
%
-If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
- -- Harry S Truman
-%
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
%
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
@@ -6954,7 +7827,7 @@ the sucker.
If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
%
If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
-It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
+It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
Or some joker who is slicker,
Will trick you of your liquor,
If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
@@ -7010,7 +7883,7 @@ If you want divine justice, die.
%
If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
he gave it to.
- -- Dorthy Parker
+ -- Dorothy Parker
%
If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's
@@ -7035,24 +7908,6 @@ tomorrow morning, sleep late.
%
If you're happy, you're successful.
%
- If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
-around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
-explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The
-"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
-deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
-better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
-with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
-you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
-successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
- And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
-You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How
-difficult can it be?"
- Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible,
-which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying
-other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
-yourself for far less money. This article can help you.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
%
If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
@@ -7076,16 +7931,117 @@ Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux
Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex,
Et le m^omerade horgrave.
- -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
Iles's Law:
There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly
at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
Neither will Iles.
%
+"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
+carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
+I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."
+ -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
+%
+I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
+listen to it!
+ -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
+%
+I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
+Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
+And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
+And in our bound partition never part.
+ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
+That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."
+ -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
+%
Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the
land He's trying to ignore.
%
+"I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from
+man."
+%
+I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
+%
+"I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my
+sister."
+%
+I'm changing my name to Chrysler
+I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
+I'll tell some power broker
+ What they did for Iacocca
+Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
+I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
+I'm heading for that great receiving line.
+When they hand a million grand out,
+ I'll be standing with my hand out,
+Yessir, I'll get mine!
+ -- Tom Paxton
+%
+I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
+%
+"I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to
+die in."
+ -- George McGovern
+%
+I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%
+I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
+ -- Spider Robinson
+%
+"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"
+ -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
+%
+i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
+living apart.
+ -- e. e. cummings
+%
+I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
+N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
+I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
+She's traversed me seven times before.
+And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
+Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
+I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
+N-ary the tree I am, I am,
+N-ary the tree I am.
+%
+"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
+It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."
+%
+"I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
+life."
+%
+I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
+-- I could be just as proud for half the money.
+ -- Arthur Godfrey
+%
+I'm rated PG-34!!
+%
+"I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL
+soon ..."
+%
+"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
+(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."
+ -- English Professor, Providence College
+%
+"I'm sorry, but after reading this thread, I'm having a hard time
+coming up with an explanation for this nonsense which doesn't involve
+you being a dumbass."
+ -- Bill Paul <wpaul@FreeBSD.org>
+%
+I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
+I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
+In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
+I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
+ -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance"
+%
+"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's
+lives"
+%
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
-- Jules de Gaultier
%
@@ -7142,27 +8098,6 @@ syrup.
In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only
we can't control when the five year period will begin.
%
- In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
-junior, what are you up to?"
- "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
-rabbit.
- "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"
- "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the
-rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied
-expression on his face.
- Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?"
- "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits
-devour wolves."
- "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?"
- "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes
-out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw.
-Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody
-should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting
-next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox.
-
-The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important --
-it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
-%
In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
-- Frank Mankiewicz
@@ -7175,6 +8110,10 @@ In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call
this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
%
+In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
+of the risks he takes.
+ -- Adlai Stevenson
+%
In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All
those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the
@@ -7182,10 +8121,6 @@ devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up
as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you.
-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
%
-In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
-of the risks he takes.
- -- Adlai Stevenson
-%
In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
incompetency
-- The Peter Principle
@@ -7216,7 +8151,7 @@ In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
in any motor vehicle.
%
"In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable."
- -- Winston Curchill, of Montgomery
+ -- Winston Churchill, of Montgomery
%
In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
neighbor.
@@ -7347,7 +8282,7 @@ from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long.
... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such
wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of
fact.
- -- Mark Twain
+ -- Mark Twain
%
In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to
drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at
@@ -7368,11 +8303,6 @@ Incumbent, n.:
Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
-... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
-smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is
-not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
- -- Stephen Crane
-%
Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
%
Individualists unite!
@@ -7416,19 +8346,6 @@ the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
%
Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
%
- INVENTORY
-Four be the things I am wiser to know:
-Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
-
-Four be the things I'd been better without:
-Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
-
-Three be the things I shall never attain:
-Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
-
-Three be the things I shall have till I die:
-Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
-%
Iron Law of Distribution:
Them that has, gets.
%
@@ -7574,6 +8491,9 @@ if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
people.
-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
%
+It is hard to predict, in particular about the future.
+ -- Robert Storm Petersen
+%
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
Boulevard at one time.
%
@@ -7626,12 +8546,6 @@ It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared
to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
-- Havelock Ellis
%
-It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to
-students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential
-programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of
-regeneration.
- -- Dijkstra
-%
It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
high as the eagle?
@@ -7657,9 +8571,6 @@ It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for
five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But
it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
%
-It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the
-future.
-%
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
%
It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
@@ -7702,16 +8613,6 @@ yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
man a lifetime."
-- Thomas Aldrich
%
- It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
-laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
-thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
-nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
-for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
- Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
-under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
-icepacks.
- -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
-%
It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like
the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
%
@@ -7747,6 +8648,8 @@ It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
-- Churchy La Femme
%
+It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short.
+%
It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
%
"It's bad luck to be superstitious."
@@ -7856,29 +8759,49 @@ not to.
%
It's the thought, if any, that counts!
%
- JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
- by Mark Isaak
+I've built a better model than the one at Data General
+For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
+My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
+My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
+My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
+You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
+There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
+My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
- Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
-character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
-hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
-are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
-BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
-to him.
- So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
-he met the traveling salesman.
- "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
-in high-level language.
- "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
-and Apples," commented Jack.
- "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
-there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
- Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
-he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
-started thrashing.
- "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
-kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
-window ...
+I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
+There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
+Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
+I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
+
+ -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
+ "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
+ by Gilbert & Sullivan)
+%
+I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
+%
+I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
+this little hole in the bottom ...
+ -- John Croll
+%
+I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
+%
+I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
+on the same day.
+%
+"I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer."
+%
+"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer"
+ -- Senator Claghorn
+%
+I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
+And from that full meridian of my glory
+I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
+Like a bright exhalation in the evening
+And no man see me more.
+ -- Shakespeare
%
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
@@ -7941,11 +8864,11 @@ Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has
changed.
-- Irene Peter
%
-Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
-%
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
knows what it is.
%
+Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
+%
Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
get a prompt, type like hell.
%
@@ -7957,6 +8880,9 @@ immune to bullets"
of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?"
-- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
%
+"Just remember, it all started with a mouse."
+ -- Walt Disney
+%
Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
%
@@ -7970,6 +8896,10 @@ Supporting each man on the top of the tide
Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
What I tell you three times is true.'
%
+Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create
+a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity.
+ -- Lionel Lauer
+%
Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
faster rat!!!
%
@@ -8011,7 +8941,7 @@ Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
(2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
than "Watch this!"
%
-Keep you Eye on the Ball,
+Keep your Eye on the Ball,
Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
Your Nose to the Grindstone,
Your Feet on the Ground,
@@ -8133,7 +9063,7 @@ Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.
%
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
%
-"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
+"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
-- Victor Borge
%
Law of Communications:
@@ -8315,6 +9245,9 @@ there is nothing in it.
"Life is too important to take seriously."
-- Corky Siegel
%
+"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
+ -- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
"Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of
which I disapprove."
%
@@ -8327,9 +9260,6 @@ weren't for other people"
%
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
%
-"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
- -- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
sense from things she found in gift shops.
-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
@@ -8344,6 +9274,28 @@ Their topics run chiefly to sex.
And masculine urgin's,
And other erotic effects.
%
+Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
+Kennedy exactly one hundred years later in 1946.
+
+Lincoln was elected president in November 1860.
+Kennedy in November 1960.
+
+Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who urged him not to go to
+the theatre.
+Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who advised against his going
+to Dallas.
+
+Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and ran off into a warehouse.
+Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran off into a theatre.
+
+Lincoln was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
+Kennedy was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
+
+The first Johnson was born in 1808.
+The second Johnson was born in 1908.
+
+ -- Alistair Cooke, "Letter From America", 26nov2001
+%
Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
%
Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe
@@ -8393,9 +9345,6 @@ one in a million, but once would be enough.
%
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*.
%
-... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
-legally ... impeccable!
-%
Logicians have but ill defined
As rational the human kind.
Logic, they say, belongs to man,
@@ -8420,8 +9369,6 @@ Halstead, Kansas.
%
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
%
-Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
-%
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
world has ever seen.
%
@@ -8442,7 +9389,7 @@ Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
-- Ogden Nash
%
-"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with
+"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with
the ideal never goes unpunished."
-- Goethe
%
@@ -8459,17 +9406,6 @@ Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up
to.
%
- Love's Drug
-
-My love is like an iron wand
- That conks me on the head,
-My love is like the valium
- That I take before my bed,
-My love is like the pint of scotch
- That I drink when I be dry;
-And I shall love thee still, my dear,
- Until my wife is wise.
-%
Lowery's Law:
If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
anyway.
@@ -8537,7 +9473,7 @@ carts.
-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
%
Magpie, n.:
- A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it
+ A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it
might be taught to talk.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
@@ -8609,18 +9545,18 @@ Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
-- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
%
-Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
-is an enemy.
- -- Albert Einstein
-%
Man, n.:
An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
-e is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His hief
-occupation is extermination of other animals and his own pecies, which,
-however, multiplies with such insistent apidity as to infest the whole
+he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
+occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which,
+however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole
habitable earth and Canada.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
+Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
+is an enemy.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
don't think, right?"
@@ -8708,8 +9644,6 @@ Meader's Law:
Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
everyone you know, only more so.
%
-Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
-%
Meeting, n.:
An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
@@ -8720,6 +9654,21 @@ Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man
had split before. Thus was the Empire forged.
-- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams
%
+Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
+ The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
+%
+Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
+ The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
+cork makes when it is popped.
+%
+Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
+ All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
+%
+Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
+ Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
+is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can
+never hope to acquire it.
+%
Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and
it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin
very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently
@@ -8738,21 +9687,6 @@ window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger
hotshot cells moving up from below.
-- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
%
-Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
- The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
-%
-Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
- The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
-cork makes when it is popped.
-%
-Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
- All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
-%
-Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
- Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
-is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can
-never hope to acquire it.
-%
Menu, n.:
A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
%
@@ -8926,17 +9860,6 @@ hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
Mophobia, n.:
Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
%
- MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
-The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last
-Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while
-the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the
-Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could
-paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player
-took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting
-their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player
-said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a
-fight and the match was called by officials.
-%
More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One
path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total
extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
@@ -8983,7 +9906,7 @@ Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his
pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes
in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be
in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he,
-133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!" An electronic
+133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!" An electronic
computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much
fun to watch.
-- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics)
@@ -9003,26 +9926,6 @@ Murphy's Law of Research:
"Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ..."
-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
%
- Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
-Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
-pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
-military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
-Esther and hustle them off to prison.
- They can't prove who they are because they've left their
-passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
-and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
-movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
-charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
- The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
-they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
-if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
-her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
-possible, and turns to Murray.
- "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
-spits in the sergeants face.
- "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
- -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
Mustgo, n.:
Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
long it has become a science project.
@@ -9061,16 +9964,6 @@ log out again.
"My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?"
-- MadameX
%
-My love runs by like a day in June,
- And he makes no friends of sorrows.
-He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
- In the pathway or the morrows.
-He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
- Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
-My own dear love, he is all my heart --
- And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
- -- Dorothy Parker
-%
My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
@@ -9081,6 +9974,16 @@ My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
And I wish he were in Asia.
-- Dorothy Parker
%
+My love runs by like a day in June,
+ And he makes no friends of sorrows.
+He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
+ In the pathway or the morrows.
+He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
+ Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
+My own dear love, he is all my heart --
+ And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been
one.
-- Groucho Marx
@@ -9097,9 +10000,6 @@ My own dear love, he is all my world --
And I wish I'd never met him.
-- Dorothy Parker
%
-... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
-Alley!!
-%
"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
Alley!!"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
@@ -9122,14 +10022,6 @@ origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
from the true accounts which it invents later.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
- n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
- n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
- n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
- n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
- n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
-
- -- C code which reverses the bits in a word.
-%
Naeser's Law:
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
damnfoolproof.
@@ -9138,7 +10030,7 @@ NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he
says is wrong.
GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
will be right.
- -- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
+ -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
%
Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant
said "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next
@@ -9169,6 +10061,10 @@ meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it,
"Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without
the recipe?"
%
+Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of
+scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
+ -- Mary Ellen Kelly
+%
Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of
conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the
fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he
@@ -9196,8 +10092,6 @@ Neckties strangle clear thinking.
%
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
%
-Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
-%
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
%
Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
@@ -9279,9 +10173,6 @@ NEWS FLASH!!
Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West
German pole-vault champion.
%
- *** NEWSFLASH ***
-Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven!
-%
Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
%
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
@@ -9347,6 +10238,9 @@ camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
effectively under such difficult conditions.
-- Laurence J. Peter
%
+"No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'"
+ -- Dr. Who
+%
No good deed goes unpunished.
-- Clare Boothe Luce
%
@@ -9367,6 +10261,9 @@ No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
%
"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid."
%
+No one has a higher opinion of him than he has.
+ -- Greg Lehey, FreeBSDcon 1999
+%
No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval
system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of
the author.
@@ -9408,13 +10305,6 @@ paper."
-- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
taken over by Rupert Murdoch
%
- No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider
-the furniture!
- -- Sherlock Holmes
-%
-"No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'"
- -- Dr. Who
-%
Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing
it.
-- Tallulah Bankhead
@@ -9432,19 +10322,17 @@ and rob the old.
Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with
constructive praise.
%
-Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
- Negative expectations yield negative results.
- Positive expectations yield negative results.
-%
-Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
-%
Noncombatant, n.:
A dead Quaker.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
%
-"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
+Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
+ Negative expectations yield negative results.
+ Positive expectations yield negative results.
+%
+Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
%
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
%
@@ -9541,54 +10429,19 @@ were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..."
smurfette."
-- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
%
-... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to
-get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
-the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
-on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
-children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
-snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
-to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
-a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
-outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does
-he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
-Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks
-Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
-kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your
-children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
-quickly.
- -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
-%
- Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
-tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
- Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
-plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
-they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
-Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
-administration. In either the hardware or housewares department,
-you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
-described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
-interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
-that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
- This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it
-inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
-so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
-if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
-direct sunlight.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
+ -- Edwin Meese III
%
"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%
-"Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
+"Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
normal routines, for children and adults alike."
-- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack"
%
"Nuclear war would really set back cable."
-- Ted Turner
%
-[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
- -- Edwin Meese III
-%
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
%
(null cookie; hope that's ok)
@@ -9603,12 +10456,6 @@ Where seldom is heard
A discouraging word,
'Cause what can an antelope say?
%
-O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
- Murphy was an optimist.
-%
-"Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a
-fake?"
-%
Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
amount of hot air.
@@ -9623,6 +10470,9 @@ The man who kills both which and whom
Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
-- Fletcher Knebel
%
+"Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a
+fake?"
+%
"Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
tools aren't soluble in alcohol ..."
-- Crazy Nigel
@@ -9725,16 +10575,6 @@ nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
what it does.
-- Will Rogers
%
- On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
-receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
-income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
-$283 on the desk before the cashier.
- "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
-route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
- "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
-business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
-worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
-%
On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
created jerks.
-- Avery
@@ -9758,14 +10598,14 @@ answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of
confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question."
-- Charles Babbage
%
-On-line, adj.:
- The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
-computer.
-%
Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
-- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
%
+Once, adv.:
+ Enough.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
choice.
@@ -9804,35 +10644,12 @@ which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the
sky.
-- Rainer Rilke
%
- Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a
-great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to
-the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of
-life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But
-one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is
-going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I
-shall die of boredom."
- The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that
-current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the
-rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!"
- But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go,
-and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.
-Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current
-lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
- And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried,
-"See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the
-Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current
-said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us
-free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this
-adventure.
- But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to
-the rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
-%
Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
the smaller prime numbers.
2: The Odd Prime --
- It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED.
+ It's the only even prime, therefore it's odd. QED.
3: The True Prime --
Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true."
31: The Arbitrary Prime --
@@ -9846,18 +10663,6 @@ Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
%
-... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
-with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
-shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
-advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
-shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
-them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
- -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
-%
-Once, adv.:
- Enough.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least
somebody's listening.
-- Franklin P. Jones
@@ -9868,12 +10673,12 @@ Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
-- Chuq Von Rospach
%
-One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
-%
One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
-- Professor Charles P. Issawi
%
+One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
+%
One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell
the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald
announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to
@@ -9922,53 +10727,17 @@ One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
do and always a clever thing to say.
-- Will Durant
%
-"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
-lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
-their C programs."
- -- Robert Firth
-%
One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy
retail."
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
- One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How
-enthusiastic is our support for UNIX?
- Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many
-years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines.
-Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple
-language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for
-students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for
-interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of
-its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on
-VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
- It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will
-run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and
-will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
- With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and
-quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With
-VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of
-documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the
-difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS
-is that it's all there.
- -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984
-%
One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who
fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become
disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas.
%
-The Seventh Commandments for Technicians
- Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
-fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in
-other ways.
-%
-The First Commandment for Technicians:
- Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
-capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
-untechnician-like manner.
-%
One Page Principle:
A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch
paper cannot be understood.
@@ -10024,6 +10793,10 @@ One-Shot Case Study, n.:
it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes
green.
%
+On-line, adj.:
+ The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
+computer.
+%
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
%
Only God can make random selections.
@@ -10035,8 +10808,6 @@ Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
%
Optimization hinders evolution.
%
-Optimization hinders evolution.
-%
Oregano, n.:
The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
%
@@ -10054,6 +10825,9 @@ Osborn's Law:
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
nails.
%
+O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
+ Murphy was an optimist.
+%
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.
%
@@ -10076,34 +10850,12 @@ Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
-- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries
%
-... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
-Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One
-thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If
-somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it
-on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what
-a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
- -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
-%
-"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."
- -- Alex Schure
-%
"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."
-- Alex Schure
%
Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
-- General Omar N. Bradley
%
- OUTCONERR
-Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
- Did logzerneg the ifthen block
-All kludgy were the function flows
- And subroutines adhoc.
-
-Beware the runtime-bug my friend
- squrooneg, the false goto
-Beware the infiniteloop
- And shun the inprectoo.
-%
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
it's too dark to read."
-- Groucho Marx
@@ -10148,6 +10900,8 @@ Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
-- D. J. Hicks
%
+Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
+%
Pardo's First Postulate:
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
fattening.
@@ -10155,8 +10909,6 @@ fattening.
Arnold's Addendum:
Everything else causes cancer in rats.
%
-Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
-%
Parker's Law:
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
%
@@ -10180,14 +10932,14 @@ Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat."
-- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
%
-Pascal Users:
- To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
-death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
-%
Pascal, n.:
A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
his grave if he knew about it.
%
+Pascal Users:
+ To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
+death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
+%
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
-- Eric Hoffer
%
@@ -10277,6 +11029,12 @@ when there is no longer anything to take away.
%
Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
%
+Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.:
+ A field of abnormally frequent and severe Murphy's Law events
+emanating from Mr. Peter Wemm. The field was first discovered and
+identified in Denmark during the initial FreeBSD SMP development.
+Mr. Wemm was residing in Australia at the time.
+%
Peter's Law of Substitution:
Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
themselves.
@@ -10314,39 +11072,9 @@ American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as
nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will
probably get run over by a bus.
%
- Pittsburgh Driver's Test
-
-(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
- but a steady left tail light. This means
-
- (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
- to call the problem to the driver's attention.
- (b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
- (c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
- (d) the driver is from out of town.
-
-The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign
-countries to signal turns.
-%
- Pittsburgh Driver's Test
-
-(8) Pedestrians are
-
- (a) irrelevant.
- (b) communists.
- (c) a nuisance.
- (d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
-
-The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
-totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
-%
Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
-- Don Marquis
%
-PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the
-solution set.
- -- E. W. Dijkstra
-%
"Plaese porrf raed."
-- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
%
@@ -10375,20 +11103,6 @@ and such.
%
Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
%
- Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
-requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
-into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
-problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
-radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
-plumbing works.
- A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
-except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
-it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
-and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
-all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
-kill you.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
PLUNDERER'S THEME
(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
@@ -10476,6 +11190,9 @@ Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
%
Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
%
+Power corrupts. Powerpoint corrupts absolutely.
+ -- Vint Cerf
+%
Power, n:
The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
%
@@ -10524,6 +11241,12 @@ Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on
his exam. Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter. Newell's
earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%
%
+Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
+build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
+to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
+
+ -- Rich Cook
+%
Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them. Induction
@@ -10545,7 +11268,7 @@ Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
legs for a horse.
-(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
+(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by:
@@ -10652,10 +11375,10 @@ A: One per person.
Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
%
-Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ?
+Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat?
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
%
-Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
+Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat?
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
Q: How long does it take?
@@ -10963,13 +11686,6 @@ That made it, paired by dot;
Now, GC, for the nonce,
Thou shalt reclaim it not.
%
- "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
-Candy
-Is dandy
-But liquor
-Is quicker.
- -- Ogden Nash
-%
"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe
again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know
which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
@@ -10994,34 +11710,30 @@ Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
it."
-- Dave Barry
%
-Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
-worse in Cleveland.
- -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
+Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
+ -- Dave Butler
%
Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good
offense!
%
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
%
-Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
+Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
+worse in Cleveland.
+ -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
%
-Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
- -- Dave Butler
+Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
%
Renning's Maxim:
Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
%
-Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western
- Civilization?
-Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
-%
Reporter, n.:
A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
tempest of words.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
-
+
SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can
carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
@@ -11035,6 +11747,10 @@ that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
can't help it.
-- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
%
+Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western
+ Civilization?
+Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
+%
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
-- Wernher von Braun
%
@@ -11077,14 +11793,14 @@ Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
reject the proposal.
%
-Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
- -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With
- Pogo"
-%
ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
%
+Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
+ -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With
+ Pogo"
+%
Rudin's Law:
If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it
every time.
@@ -11110,6 +11826,10 @@ Rule of the Great:
When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
%
+Rules:
+ (1) The boss is always right.
+ (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
+%
Rules for Academic Deans:
(1) HIDE!!!!
(2) If they find you, LIE!!!!
@@ -11140,44 +11860,6 @@ RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
(11) Avoid blue food.
-- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet"
%
-Rules:
- (1) The boss is always right.
- (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
-%
- Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
- Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
-
-(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs,
- ants.
-(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships.
-(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
-(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter.
-(5) Exotic birds flock around you.
-(6) People ignore you at parties.
-(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
-(8) You no longer get off on cocaine.
-%
- Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
-(1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
- bomb; use the stairs.
-(2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
- the ground.
-(3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
-(4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
- psychological problems.
-(5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to
- recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed
- potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
-(6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs
- will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
-(7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
-(8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
- staggering illegally.
-(9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
- sanitary due to limited circulation.
-(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
- D-Day.
-%
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority
@@ -11217,10 +11899,10 @@ Sauron is alive in Argentina!
%
Save energy: be apathetic.
%
-Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
-%
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
%
+Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
+%
"Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I
ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
-- Steven Wright
@@ -11335,7 +12017,7 @@ Seminars, n.:
From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
%
Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
- notify you if the record has pornographics material or
+ notify you if the record has pornographic material or
material glorifying violence?"
Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's
@@ -11357,17 +12039,6 @@ Serocki's Stricture:
%
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
%
- "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated
-thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY
-advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
- "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
- "Too proud?" the other enquired.
- Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
-she said, "that one can't help growing older."
- "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
-proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
- -- Lewis Carroll
-%
Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a
big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at
reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's
@@ -11425,13 +12096,13 @@ have poured on a waffle ...
you should hear me play piano.'"
-- Morrisey
%
-She's genuinely bogus.
-%
"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have
taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an
excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."
-- Samuel Johnson
%
+She's genuinely bogus.
+%
SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
%
@@ -11440,6 +12111,8 @@ playing golf with his boss.
%
Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
%
+Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs.
+%
Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
-- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
%
@@ -11517,9 +12190,6 @@ it sits in the dish too long.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
-- Fletcher Knebel
%
-Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
- -- Fletcher Knebel
-%
Snacktrek, n.:
The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have
@@ -11544,33 +12214,6 @@ So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
praise of intelligence.
-- Bertrand Russell
%
-... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
-who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
-and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
-and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
- -- Voltarine de Cleyre
-%
- So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
-With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
-maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of
-corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to
-flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward
-it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --
-I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in
-the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.
- Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and
-I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our
-heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're
-unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water
-up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the
-opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of
-our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all
-the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers
-cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen
-these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked
-into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
-%
"So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple
pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops
its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very
@@ -11580,23 +12223,6 @@ and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the
gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots."
-- Samuel Foote
%
-... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
-procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
-to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
-sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
-documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
-listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
-documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
-under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
-effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
-scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
-in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
-thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
-then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
-dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all
-along.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
-%
So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever
remember his Bible?
%
@@ -11677,6 +12303,8 @@ the only ashtray."
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
-- Lily Tomlin
%
+Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
+%
"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men
@@ -11687,8 +12315,6 @@ we not God's Machineries of Joy?"
"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
-- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
%
-Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
-%
Song Title of the Week:
"They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
in me."
@@ -11696,10 +12322,10 @@ in me."
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already
paid may disregard this fortune).
%
-Sorry, no fortune this time.
-%
Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.
%
+Sorry, no fortune this time.
+%
Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-
bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the
road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
@@ -11726,7 +12352,7 @@ For he can thoroughly enjoy
The pepper when he pleases!
Wow! wow! wow!
- -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
%
Speak roughly to your little VAX,
And boot it when it crashes;
@@ -11874,16 +12500,16 @@ Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
%
Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
%
-Surprise due today. Also the rent.
-%
-Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
-%
Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type
in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving
the room is punishable under law:
Name #
%
+Surprise due today. Also the rent.
+%
+Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
+%
Swahili, n.:
The language used by the National Enquirer to print their
retractions.
@@ -11909,29 +12535,6 @@ Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
- _
- _ / \ o
- / \ | | o o o
- | | | | _ o o o o
- | \_| | / \ o o o
- \__ | | | o o
- | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____
- | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__
- | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\
- | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " )
- | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >-----------
- | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\
- | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\
- // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\
- // ( ) / / \` \__ \\
- //-------------------------------------------------------------\\
-
-Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
-start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
-then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
-music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
- -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
-%
T: One big monster, he called TROLL.
He don't rock, and he don't roll;
Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
@@ -12057,7 +12660,7 @@ Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
-- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types
-(Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church).
+(Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church).
%
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
%
@@ -12082,10 +12685,6 @@ That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
%
The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
%
-The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by
-people who want some.
- -- Dwight MacDonald
-%
The Abrams' Principle:
The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
%
@@ -12093,7 +12692,7 @@ The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
-- Thomas Jefferson
%
The Advertising Agency Song:
-
+
When your client's hopping mad,
Put his picture in the ad.
If he still should prove refractory,
@@ -12103,11 +12702,18 @@ The Advertising Agency Song:
someone with it."
-- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
%
-... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that
-consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune
-of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to
-listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.
- -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+The answer is that libdialog, the library on which sysinstall depends
+for these menus, is genuinely evil. It is the unloved, satanic
+bastard child of multiple parents and torturing users like yourself
+constitutes the only joy in life it has left. Its source files are
+all chmod'd 0666 and dire README files warn against trespass by
+neophyte programmers. It is the 7th gate of Hell. It makes the baby
+Jesus cry. Were libdialog given anthropomorphic representation, it
+would be promptly burnt at the stake and its ashes scattered in the
+desert, to be then doused with holy water from altitude by
+fire-fighting aircraft.
+
+ -- Jordan K. Hubbard on the evils of libdialog
%
The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas
River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little
@@ -12385,7 +12991,7 @@ symposium to follow.
%
The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
their children to speak it.
- -- G. B. Shaw
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
%
The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
remarkable Christian forbearance among men.
@@ -12400,6 +13006,11 @@ The faster we go, the rounder we get.
The Fifth Rule:
You have taken yourself too seriously.
%
+The First Commandment for Technicians:
+ Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
+capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
+untechnician-like manner.
+%
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
-- Abbie Hoffman
%
@@ -12476,6 +13087,10 @@ blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves
parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge
of the hyper-cube.
%
+The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by
+people who want some.
+ -- Dwight MacDonald
+%
The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
%
@@ -12520,29 +13135,6 @@ man in the bonds of Hell."
The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
to be good.
%
- "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")
-
-On the good ship Enterprise
-Every week there's a new surprise
-Where the Romulans lurk
-And the Klingons often go berserk.
-
-Yes, the good ship Enterprise
-There's excitement anywhere it flies
-Where Tribbles play
-And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.
-
- See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
- Mr. Spock is at his side.
- The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
- It gets fried, scattered far and wide.
-
-It's the good ship Enterprise
-Heading out where danger lies
-And you live in dread
-If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
- -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
-%
The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of
statistics. These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are
extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive
@@ -12556,7 +13148,7 @@ who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
-- Benjamin Franklin.
%
The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
- The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
+ The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods
of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
@@ -12615,9 +13207,6 @@ procession but carrying a banner.
-- Mark Twain
%
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
- -- Ashley Montagu
-%
-The idea is to die young as late as possible.
-- Ashley Montague
%
The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic
@@ -12687,133 +13276,21 @@ word processor.', I replied, `They used to say the same thing about
drugs.'
-- Roy Blount, Jr.
%
-The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
-law free.
- -- Henry David Thoreau
-%
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
bread.
-- Anatole France
%
+The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
+law free.
+ -- Henry David Thoreau
+%
"The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all
men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the
universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we
presently imagine we own."
-- H.G. Wells
%
- THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE
-
-SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
-Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for
-Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
-with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
-END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
-a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus
-they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
-the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
-%
- THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP
-
-This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
-an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said
-to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
-%
- THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL
-
-SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
-Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
-compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
-coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
-sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
-compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
-infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
-%
- THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE
-
-Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
-unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just
-are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions.
-SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at
-parties.
-%
- THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C-
-
-This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
-submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
-best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the
-language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
-statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very
-similar to COBOL.
-%
- THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH
-
-FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
-refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
-JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
-BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
-CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
-
-The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
-financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include
-VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
-and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
-who end up using this language.
-%
- THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE
-
-Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
-DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The
-language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
-and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A
-spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
-ours."
-
-The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have
-almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
-organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
-exist.
-%
- THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
-From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,
-VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.
-
-Here is a sample program:
- LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
- IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND
- VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN
- FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
- DO*WAH - (DITTY**2)
- BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
- SURE
- LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
- REALLY
- LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
- IM*SURE
- GOTO THE MALL
-
-When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:
-
- GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
-%
- THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK
-
-This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
-Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
-the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
-
-The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
-while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
-because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
-Perrier.
-
-Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
-and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
-case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
-message:
- "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can
- you find the time to try it again?"
-%
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
train.
%
@@ -12848,18 +13325,8 @@ The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which
when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
%
-"... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..."
- -- Dave Barry
-%
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
%
- The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the
-klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
-
- "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
-
- "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
-%
The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
-- Lew Mammel, Jr.
@@ -12911,24 +13378,6 @@ discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
%
The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
%
-... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
-%
- "... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
- "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
-feel interested.
- "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
-vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
-Aged Man.'"
- "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
-Alice corrected herself.
- "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
-called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
- "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time
-completely bewildered.
- "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
-"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
- -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
-%
"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert."
-- D. Letterman
@@ -12993,14 +13442,14 @@ Planning."
%
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
%
-The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age
-brings wisdom.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader
catch his own breath.
-- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
%
+The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age
+brings wisdom.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when
to cringe.
%
@@ -13046,9 +13495,6 @@ The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
The optimum committee has no members.
-- Norman Augustine
%
-The optimum committee has no members.
- -- Norman Augustine
-%
"The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost
went back in time."
-- Steven Wright
@@ -13061,16 +13507,6 @@ The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
-- H. L. Mencken
%
- The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the
-Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a
-large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress'
-it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the
-apparatus for a spectator sport.
-
- The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
-castrating pigs during Sunday service.
- -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
Let others think his heart is big,
@@ -13139,11 +13575,6 @@ The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
%
-... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
-other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
-charity we can only call "inhuman."
- -- R. A. Lafferty
-%
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
%
@@ -13214,6 +13645,10 @@ Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil
Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like.
-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
%
+The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's
+absolutely not.
+ -- Bill Gates
+%
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all
progress depends on the unreasonable man.
@@ -13280,21 +13715,10 @@ from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
milestones are lifted.
-- George Bernard Shaw
%
- The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
-as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
-The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
-the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in
-twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.
-
- "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
-everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
-fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one --
-and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
-
- "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
-
- Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
- -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar"
+The Seventh Commandments for Technicians
+ Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
+fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in
+other ways.
%
The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
%
@@ -13340,41 +13764,11 @@ something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from
the Russians.
-- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
%
- The STAR WARS Song
- Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
-
-I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
-Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
- S-O-D-A soda
-I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
-I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
- Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
-
-Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
-A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
- Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
-Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
-How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
- Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
-%
The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
%
The steady state of disks is full.
-- Ken Thompson
%
- THE STORY OF CREATION
- or
- THE MYTH OF URK
-
-In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
-and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
-was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
-registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
-and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
-Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
-and there was morning, one interrupt ...
- -- Rico Tudor
-%
The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make
them unsafe.
-- Mayor Frank Rizzo
@@ -13417,7 +13811,7 @@ heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to
the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for
radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the
-earth (-300K), gives _H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell
+earth (~300K), gives _H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell
cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the
fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means
@@ -13437,21 +13831,6 @@ The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break
even.
The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero.
%
- The Three Major Kind of Tools
-
-* Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
- jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
- manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
- bludgeons, and truncheons.)
-
-* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)
-
-* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
- greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
- (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
- any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
The trouble with a kitten is that
When it grows up, it's always a cat
-- Ogden Nash.
@@ -13517,10 +13896,6 @@ yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
world put together.
-- Sir Peter Medawar
%
-The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
-regarded as a criminal offense.
- -- E. W. Dijkstra
-%
The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
the worst cigars.
-- H. L. Mencken
@@ -13533,7 +13908,7 @@ The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
be one of the facts that needs altering.
- -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
+ -- Dr. Who, "Face of Evil"
%
"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
%
@@ -13555,22 +13930,11 @@ It must have blown through someone's feet,
Like those of Caspar Weinberger.
-- P. Opus
%
- THE WOMBAT
-
-The wombat lives across the seas,
-Among the far Antipodes.
-He may exist on nuts and berries,
-Or then again, on missionaries;
-His distant habitat precludes
-Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
-But I would not engage the wombat
-In any form of mortal combat.
-%
-The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
+The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
%
The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
%
-The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
+The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
%
The world's as ugly as sin,
And almost as delightful
@@ -13600,19 +13964,6 @@ Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,
And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.
-- Franklin Pierce Adams
%
- THEORY
-Into love and out again,
- Thus I went and thus I go.
-Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
- Well and bitterly I know
-All the songs were ever sung,
- All the words were ever said;
-Could it be, when I was young,
- Someone dropped me on my head?
- -- Dorothy Parker
-%
-There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
-%
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
and praiseworthy ...
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
@@ -13639,21 +13990,6 @@ There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
-- Gloria Steinem
%
- There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
-someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
-Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
-Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
-every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
-this?
- Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
-centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you
-can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
-forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
--- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
-even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
-why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
- -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
"There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
@@ -13704,9 +14040,6 @@ There are three ways to get something done:
(2) Hire someone to do it for you.
(3) Forbid your kids to do it.
%
-There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
-someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
-%
There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is
one of them.
%
@@ -13720,7 +14053,7 @@ sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
-- Woody Allen
%
"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
-make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
+make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
deficiencies."
-- C. A. R. Hoare
@@ -13768,24 +14101,20 @@ Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and
love of the Fatherland."
-- Adolf Hitler
%
-There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe
-is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly
-inexplicable."
-
-There is another theory that states: "This has already happened ...."
- -- Douglas Adams, "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
-inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has
-already happened.
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+inexplicable.
+
+There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
%
"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a
vacuum."
-- Arthur C. Clarke
%
+There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
+%
There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
-- Mark Twain
%
@@ -13798,11 +14127,11 @@ of course.
%
"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their
home."
- -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, World Future Society
+ -- Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society
Convention, 1977
%
-There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it
- -- G. B. Shaw
+There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
%
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast
reflexes.
@@ -13915,6 +14244,10 @@ telephone business?
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not
a fence.
%
+There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that
+allows you to install Windows.
+ -- Matthew D. Fuller
+%
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
%
There's little in taking or giving,
@@ -13935,7 +14268,7 @@ There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
-- Walt Kelly
%
-There's no future in time travel
+There's no future in time travel.
%
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
-- Dr. Who
@@ -13953,6 +14286,10 @@ working for you.
armadillos."
-- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
%
+There's nothing so precious as a cafe full of Gap kiddies trying to
+work out whether you're really wearing rubber pants.
+ -- Mike Smith
+%
"There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't
aggravate."
%
@@ -14100,8 +14437,6 @@ Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....
%
-This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
-%
This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the
power of computers:
@@ -14116,6 +14451,8 @@ results are that one should eat each day:
27 heads of lettuce.
-- Rev. Adrian Melott
%
+This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
+%
This is the story of the bee
Whose sex is very hard to see
@@ -14178,48 +14515,16 @@ student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.
This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
-- Hofstadter
%
-... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives
-as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as
-determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people
-buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s
-couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three
-weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available,
-they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent
-restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of
-excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going
-off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have
-a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli.
- -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
-%
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget
it.
%
- Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
-rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
-than he does.
- As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
-it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
-sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
-consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is
-being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
- The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can
-do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
-honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
-be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
-relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
-Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes.
-This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
- -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
- from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
- and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
-%
Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those
of us who do.
%
-Those who can't write, write manuals.
-%
Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
%
+Those who can't write, write manuals.
+%
"Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics."
-- French Proverb
%
@@ -14253,9 +14558,6 @@ fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
more about the matter than the others.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
-Time flies like an arrow
-Fruit flies like a banana
-%
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
%
Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so.
@@ -14269,28 +14571,6 @@ Before his life is done,
To write three lines of APL,
And make the damn things run.
%
- (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
-Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
-Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
-And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
-Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
-Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
-And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
-And we've also found Just flip one switch
-When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
-You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
- in a flash.
-Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU
-Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo,"
-And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash.
-%
- To A Quick Young Fox:
-Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
-Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
-Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --
-Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
- -- Lazy Dog
-%
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
%
To be is to do.
@@ -14298,7 +14578,7 @@ To be is to do.
To do is to be.
-- A. Sartre
Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
- -- F. Flinstone
+ -- F. Flintstone
%
"To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore
this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to
@@ -14308,10 +14588,14 @@ statement."
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
call it the target.
%
-To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
+To envision how a 4-processor system running [SunOS] 4.1.x works, think
+of four kids and one bathroom.
+ -- John DiMarco
%
"To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System"
%
+To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
+%
To err is human, to moo bovine.
%
To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.
@@ -14377,20 +14661,20 @@ Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
%
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
%
+"Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
+except in major motion pictures."
+ -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
+%
Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%
"Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
-cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
+cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog."
-- Bob & Ray
%
-"Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
-except in major motion pictures."
- -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
-%
Toilet Toup'ee, n.:
Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
creating endless annoyance to male users.
@@ -14413,6 +14697,25 @@ Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
briefcases.
-- Governor Jerry Brown
%
+Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:
+
+10) Specifications are for the weak and timid!
+ 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
+ 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
+ 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
+ Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
+ assurance people in its wake.
+ 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments'
+ - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
+ 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
+ 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
+ 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features
+ are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
+ 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
+ original Klingon.
+ 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship
+ it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
+%
Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the
earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.
As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.
@@ -14433,7 +14736,7 @@ Follow these simple suggestions:
%
Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
%
-Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
+Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live
in eucalyptus trees.
%
Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant
@@ -14493,27 +14796,6 @@ The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
Beware the broken pipe, and shun
The frumious system crash!"
%
- 'Twas the Night before Crisis
-
-'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
- Not a program was working not even a browse.
-The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
- Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
-The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
- While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
-When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
- I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
-And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
- But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
-More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
- And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
-On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
- On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
-His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
- From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
-A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
- Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
-%
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
throughout our place of residence,
@@ -14573,14 +14855,6 @@ Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a
hammer or get a splinter in it.
%
-Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
- Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a
-hammmer or get a splinter in it.
-%
-Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
-just man is also a prison.
- -- Henry David Thoreau
-%
Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
just man is also in prison.
-- Henry David Thoreau
@@ -14670,21 +14944,6 @@ Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
%
Veni, Vidi, Visa.
%
- "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past
-year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley
-reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their
-artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue
-moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon
-Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the
-entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the
-sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips."
-
- "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
-
- "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made
-good copy."
- -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
-%
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
%
Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
@@ -14719,7 +14978,7 @@ from where you left them to where you can't find them.
%
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
%
-VMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M.
+VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M.
%
Vote anarchist
%
@@ -14728,13 +14987,6 @@ TAX-DEFERRED!
%
VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
%
-
- *** System shutdown message from root ***
-
-System going down in 60 seconds
-
-
-%
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
-- Mark Twain
%
@@ -14751,19 +15003,13 @@ War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
%
War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
%
- WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
-
-Firings will continue until morale improves.
-%
- WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
-
-Firings will continue until morale improves.
-%
WARNING:
Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on
your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war.
%
+Warning: Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
+%
Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking
up.
@@ -14814,8 +15060,6 @@ theorem."
%
We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
%
-We can predict everything, except the future.
-%
We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
-- James E. Day, Postmaster General
@@ -14894,28 +15138,6 @@ ugly paneling is to begin with.
We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best
friends are trying to kill us.
%
- We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.
-But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle
-Haggard song at a French restaurant. ...
- I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of
-her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I
-had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone
-told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was
-lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he
-fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing
-what men must do. ...
- "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible
-sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew
-not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a
-quiet and peace I will never forget.
- "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the
-tollway belle's for thee."
- The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was
-a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I
-poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day.
- -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
- Competition
-%
We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one
technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
%
@@ -14932,22 +15154,6 @@ We wish you a Hare Krishna
And a Sun Myung Moon!
-- Maxwell Smart
%
-"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later."
-%
-We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
-the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
-you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
-in his bowl full of jelly.
- -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
-%
-We're only in it for the volume.
- -- Black Sabbath
-%
-We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
-of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
-but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
- -- Andy Rooney
-%
Weiler's Law:
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
himself.
@@ -14970,6 +15176,13 @@ Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if
you run out of food.
-- Dean McLaughlin.
%
+"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is
+no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five
+hundred."
+ -- The Mahabharata.
+%
+"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later."
+%
Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a
governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
@@ -15016,10 +15229,14 @@ Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
-- Dr. Who
%
-"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is
-no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five
-hundred."
- -- The Mahabharata.
+We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
+the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
+you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
+in his bowl full of jelly.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
+%
+We're only in it for the volume.
+ -- Black Sabbath
%
Westheimer's Discovery:
A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
@@ -15028,6 +15245,11 @@ couple of hours in the library.
Wethern's Law:
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
%
+We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
+of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
+but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
+ -- Andy Rooney
+%
"What are we going to do?"
"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for
@@ -15042,14 +15264,10 @@ initiation period."
%
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
%
- "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty
-teenager asked her mother.
- "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
+What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
%
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
%
-What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
-%
What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
%
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
@@ -15093,9 +15311,6 @@ parties.
%
What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
%
-"What I've done, of course, is total garbage."
- -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
-%
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I
definitely overpaid for my carpet.
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
@@ -15104,7 +15319,7 @@ What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's
worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
-What is a magician but a practising theorist?
+What is a magician but a practicing theorist?
-- Obi-Wan Kenobi
%
What is mind? No matter.
@@ -15135,6 +15350,9 @@ which is the exact opposite."
%
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
%
+"What I've done, of course, is total garbage."
+ -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
+%
What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
to compare it with.
%
@@ -15156,11 +15374,11 @@ What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
%
What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
%
+What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
+%
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent
bagel.
%
-What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
-%
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
%
What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
@@ -15185,21 +15403,6 @@ be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
%
What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
%
-"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
- -- Steven Wright
-%
- "What's that thing?"
- "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
-computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
-it does. We call it a two-by-four."
- -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
-%
-"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
- -- Dr. Who
-%
-"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
- -- The Doctor
-%
Whatever became of eternal truth?
%
Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
@@ -15216,6 +15419,12 @@ nailed down.
cockroaches!"
-- Mom
%
+"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
+ -- Dr. Who
+%
When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the
money is.
-- Robespierre
@@ -15380,7 +15589,7 @@ except our fingertips will have been singed.
-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of
-investigation of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand,
+investigation of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand,
so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or
swayed, directly to the goal.
-- Amrom Katz
@@ -15392,14 +15601,8 @@ When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
-- Harry Truman
%
- When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
-clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer
-to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively.
- In a way, the next move is up to him.
- -- R. A. Lafferty
-%
-"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite."
- -- Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war
+"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite."
+ -- Winston Churchill, On formal declarations of war
%
When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
@@ -15510,8 +15713,6 @@ Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
%
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
%
-Who's on first?
-%
"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
-- George Ade
%
@@ -15519,6 +15720,8 @@ Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
%
Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
%
+Who's on first?
+%
"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could
have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."
-- Ian Shoales
@@ -15613,26 +15816,6 @@ direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
Wiker's Law:
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
%
- William Safire's Rules for Writers:
-
-Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
-be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to
-agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
-out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
-of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
-not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
-conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
-sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
-close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
-words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
-must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
-linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
-metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
-be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
-writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
-the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
-viable alternatives.
-%
Williams and Holland's Law:
If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
statistical methods.
@@ -15726,7 +15909,7 @@ year.
"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat
- -- Lewis Carrol
+ -- Lewis Carroll
%
"Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer
@@ -15749,9 +15932,6 @@ Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
%
-X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the
-imagination is the plot.
-%
Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
%
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
@@ -15761,6 +15941,9 @@ XIIdigitation, n.:
by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
+X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the
+imagination is the plot.
+%
"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
@@ -15802,7 +15985,7 @@ will notice.
%
You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
%
-You are here:
+You are here:
***
***
*********
@@ -15832,7 +16015,7 @@ And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
"I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again."
- -- Lewis Carrol
+ -- Lewis Carroll
%
"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
That your lectures bore people to death.
@@ -15853,7 +16036,7 @@ Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life."
- -- Lewis Carrol
+ -- Lewis Carroll
%
"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
And there isn't one language you like;
@@ -15874,7 +16057,7 @@ Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
"I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
Allow me to sell you a couple?"
- -- Lewis Carrol
+ -- Lewis Carroll
%
"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
And make errors few people could bear;
@@ -15895,7 +16078,7 @@ Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
- -- Lewis Carrol
+ -- Lewis Carroll
%
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
%
@@ -15919,7 +16102,7 @@ pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear
safety glasses.
-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
%
-"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
+"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on."
-- Hepler, Systems Design 182
%
@@ -15960,6 +16143,12 @@ You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
"You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename."
-- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454
%
+You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
+%
+You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
+%
+You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
+%
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
%
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
@@ -15984,12 +16173,6 @@ enough worrying about what's happening now.
don't."
-- Dagwood Bumstead
%
-You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
-%
-You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
-%
-You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
-%
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
and last month in advance.
%
@@ -16046,6 +16229,10 @@ wrinkled.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot
today.
%
+You know if they ever find a way to harness sarcasm as an energy source,
+you people are all going to owe me big.
+ -- Bill Paul
+%
You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
%
@@ -16065,14 +16252,6 @@ friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
%
You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
%
- "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
-airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
-deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
-when I was young!"
- "Why, what did she tell you?"
- "I don't know, I didn't listen!"
- -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
%
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
@@ -16096,6 +16275,11 @@ party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
%
You might have mail
%
+You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm
+now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not
+exist. If it does, it's so small as to be completely insignificant.
+ -- Greg Lehey
+%
"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
%
@@ -16159,27 +16343,11 @@ hemorrhoids.
-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
%
"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
-plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture"
+plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture."
-- Business Professor, University of Georgia
%
You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
%
- YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF
- PAPER SHUFFLING!
-
-Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
-a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel
-really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
-
-Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
-to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and
-make really big Zorkmids."
-
-MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
-you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
-
- SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
-%
You too can wear a nose mitten.
%
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
@@ -16196,11 +16364,6 @@ You will feel hungry again in another hour.
You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
mayonnaise salesman.
%
- You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
-Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
-parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
- -- Sherlock Holmes
-%
You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
%
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to
@@ -16213,6 +16376,24 @@ minute and a huff.
%
"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
%
+Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
+thing he tells you.
+%
+Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you
+from enjoying it.
+%
+Your fault: core dumped
+%
+Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
+%
+Your lucky color has faded.
+%
+Your lucky number has been disconnected.
+%
+Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
+%
+Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
+%
You're at the end of the road again.
%
You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
@@ -16234,43 +16415,6 @@ You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
"TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!"
%
-Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
-thing he tells you.
-%
-Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you
-from enjoying it.
-%
-Your fault: core dumped
-%
- Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that
-bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a
-chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home
-electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit
-breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires
-until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can
-damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change
-your fuses regularly.
- Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This
-sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more
-often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case
-you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not
-sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a
-fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed
-electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession,
-such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette
-table, etc.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
-Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
-%
-Your lucky color has faded.
-%
-Your lucky number has been disconnected.
-%
-Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
-%
-Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
-%
"Yow! Am I having fun yet?"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%
@@ -16285,3 +16429,4 @@ since I first called my brother's father dad.
%
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
People are always available for work in the past tense.
+%