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diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o
index 028388f4ac8d..49d6fb9ab3c4 100644
--- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o
@@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
+This fortune brought to you by:
+$FreeBSD$
+%
PLAYGIRL, Inc.
Philadelphia, Pa. 19369
Dear Sir:
@@ -50,9 +53,9 @@ Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me.
I'm not half the man I used to be.
Oh, how did I get leprosy?
-Syphillis, it all started with a simple kiss.
+Syphilis, it all started with a simple kiss.
Now it even hurts to take a piss.
-Oh why did I get syphillis?
+Oh why did I get syphilis?
Why'd she have VD? I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ....
@@ -248,19 +251,19 @@ had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..."
"Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands... Don't you lie to me!
You've been bowling again!"
%
- A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
-dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
+ A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
+dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
brother and inquires after his pet.
"Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
- The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
-he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
-of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
-outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
+ The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
+he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
+of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
+outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
"Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
"Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
How's Mom?"
- His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
+ His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
outside one day..."
%
A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
@@ -317,14 +320,14 @@ NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone
in your family like pussy?"
"Yeah. Me and my sister."
%
- A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old
-Scotch". The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches
+ A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old
+Scotch". The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches
down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch. The man takes one sip
and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this
is eight-year-old Scotch."
The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch,
pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you --
-most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even
+most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even
had it -- they're just being pricks. But you really know your Scotch -- this
is on the house."
A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this
@@ -365,7 +368,7 @@ hung than *anybody*."
all night. By the way, my name is Sue. What's yours?"
"Running Bear Sheldon."
%
- A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.
+ A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.
He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure
@@ -373,16 +376,16 @@ what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry,
"Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
- "These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my
+ "These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my
clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
"Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just
-hasn't been your day, has it?"
+hasn't been your day, has it?"
%
- A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this
-particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the
-man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very
-fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants,
-felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under
+ A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this
+particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the
+man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very
+fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants,
+felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under
the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
@@ -391,11 +394,11 @@ quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
%
A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and,
-while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife
+while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife
was the better cook. One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the
Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family.
The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew
-that he had ever eaten.
+that he had ever eaten.
"Damn! That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host. "What
kind of meat is it?"
"Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican.
@@ -404,8 +407,8 @@ kind of meat is it?"
"Rabbits don't make any noise..."
"Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!"
%
- A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother
-asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange
+ A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother
+asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange
symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced,
"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
@@ -414,9 +417,9 @@ girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She
turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
"Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as
kissed a man!"
- The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then,
-silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued
-staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something
+ The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then,
+silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued
+staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something
wrong out there?"
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything
like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if
@@ -514,18 +517,18 @@ this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
"Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
"Well, would you live in this house?"
- "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
+ "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
I've always loved it here."
"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"She's left handed."
%
- A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park.
-They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate
-love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned
+ A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park.
+They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate
+love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned
to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time."
- She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off
+ She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off
my pantyhose."
%
A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob,
@@ -534,7 +537,7 @@ settle for a kiss."
The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?"
%
After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
-earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
+earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
"No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
name for my baby."
@@ -581,13 +584,13 @@ yaki-san!"
The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed,
"What do you mean, wrong hole?"
%
- An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
+ An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
city and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish
arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained. "These, senor," explained
the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the
testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today.
The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious.
-Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was
+Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was
served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are
much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
"True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose."
@@ -612,21 +615,21 @@ handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
fixed?"
%
- An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a
-man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?"
+ An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a
+man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?"
said the the soldier.
- "My name is Mary," said the woman.
- "And mine is Joseph," said the man.
+ "My name is Mary," said the woman.
+ "And mine is Joseph," said the man.
"Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you
going?"
"To Bethlehem."
- "Your reason for going there?"
+ "Your reason for going there?"
"To pay our taxes to the government."
"Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?"
- "Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto
+ "Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto
Ricans?"
%
- An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
+ An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
"I have a dead pussy."
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
@@ -657,7 +660,7 @@ all is not lost! SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just
sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers. Through
the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal
muscles. With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the
-"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistable", the "California Crusher", and,
+"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistible", the "California Crusher", and,
of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm". Or,
using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own!
SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely
@@ -703,23 +706,23 @@ Ms. W: "Oh, dear!"
Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run
too fast."
%
- Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
-Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and
-subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
-sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste
+ Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
+Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and
+subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
+sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste
treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you."
- Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
-blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
-Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
+ Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
+blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
+Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
"What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
"My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
%
- Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best
+ Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best
friend asked him how it went.
- "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second
-night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six
-times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the
+ "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second
+night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six
+times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the
last night, nothing!"
"Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"
"Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
@@ -739,8 +742,8 @@ unto a snowball in Hell."
But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that
cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin
to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The
-latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing
-with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole
+latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing
+with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole
bunch of knuckles.
-- Harlan Ellison
%
@@ -788,7 +791,7 @@ the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell her,
Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
%
- "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
+ "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
%
"Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you.
@@ -809,11 +812,11 @@ to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it
quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already
had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she
now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming
-in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck
-the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door
-she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in
-response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my
-ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert,
+in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck
+the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door
+she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in
+response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my
+ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert,
and you... uh... don't have all the..."
"Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
%
@@ -829,29 +832,29 @@ They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
%
- During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
-blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
-country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
+ During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
+blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
+country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
hit my wife."
"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot
at mine, over there."
%
- During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her
+ During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her
husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor,
she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
%
- Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
-blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
-while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved
-to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
-pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father."
- He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh,
+ Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
+blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
+while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved
+to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
+pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father."
+ He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh,
stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father."
But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no
-protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
-tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked.
- Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
-tug at his sleeve. "Again?"
+protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
+tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked.
+ Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
+tug at his sleeve. "Again?"
And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted
by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father."
@@ -884,27 +887,27 @@ of 5 hours and 26 minutes. Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is
not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten
and not care."
%
- Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see
-a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a
+ Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see
+a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a
baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and
ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?"
- The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach,
+ The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach,
which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed. The genie said, "I now give
you one wish. Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?"
%
- Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman,
-obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance
-floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette
+ Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman,
+obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance
+floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiosity got the best of the cigarette
girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman
of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties
unimpaired?"
- The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not
-all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a
-girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place
+ The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not
+all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a
+girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place
about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."
- "Why, George," she said in suprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
- "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to
+ "Why, George," she said in surprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
+ "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to
fail me."
%
Farmer Johnson was drunk again.
@@ -918,7 +921,7 @@ could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob."
"First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight,"
said the guy aggressively.
"Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.
- "Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in
+ "Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in
town."
"Oh, no, you won't."
"Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris."
@@ -957,17 +960,17 @@ the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
thoughts?"
Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
%
- Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
-engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
-was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
+ Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
+engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
+was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
and sarcastic?"
"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
%
"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
-beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
-dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
+beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
+dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
%
@@ -987,7 +990,7 @@ differences once and for all.
When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
%
- Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
+ Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
@@ -1003,7 +1006,7 @@ the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
-situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
+situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
@@ -1050,19 +1053,19 @@ to a dead cat, do you?"
-- Monty Python
%
"Hello, Police Department."
- "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually
+ "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually
molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!"
"Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
"Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping
on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything.
-Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
+Suddenly he had his great big old calloused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He
held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I
-couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty
+couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty
pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an
erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my
throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man.
-Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on
+Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on
my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to
say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't
know how thick... into my... Just a minute."
@@ -1133,7 +1136,7 @@ young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
I'm on my way."
"Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
%
- In the begining, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
+ In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
mud."
And there was mud.
And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
@@ -1240,7 +1243,7 @@ suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many
life forms are periodically subject to its wrath. How did the preying mantis
become stuck in such a awful, vicious cycle? This is probably what happened:
The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After
-some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphram) they mate.
+some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate.
The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the
male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until
the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the
@@ -1296,7 +1299,7 @@ audience, either."
Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
-cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal committment.
+cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment.
Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
@@ -1314,18 +1317,18 @@ Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many
times a job applicant has had the clap.
Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written
-by a professional liar?
+by a professional liar?
If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question:
did the applicant go to TCU?
If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she
have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall?
-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
%
- On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
-to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
-There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
-alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
-dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
+ On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
+to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
+There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
+alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
+dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
saying."
The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
@@ -1348,7 +1351,7 @@ multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the
King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound,
-but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffe pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
+but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffee pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored
banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
%
@@ -1364,7 +1367,7 @@ way it goes? Try to help someone and you get fucked."
seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp
and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone
bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the
-flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's charactaristic curves,
+flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves,
soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum. He laid
her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance.
He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket,
@@ -1382,7 +1385,7 @@ each others fuses.
-- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron"
%
One of my favorite Zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while
-visiting the zoo, desided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks
+visiting the zoo, decided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks
up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast. Needless to
say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in
kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...!
@@ -1396,7 +1399,7 @@ never writes..."
%
One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY. So he took his Miss
HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he
-there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definately
+there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definitely
made his TOOSIE ROLL.
He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT
which of course caused the MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she
@@ -1457,13 +1460,13 @@ motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness. But I have spent enough time in
jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are
bored with their daily routines: eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and
then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in
-a while; there has to be a powerful adrenalin rush in crouching by the side of
+a while; there has to be a powerful adrenaline rush in crouching by the side of
a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking
out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other
side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels.
- Why not? Anything that gets the adrenalin moving like a 440 volt
+ Why not? Anything that gets the adrenaline moving like a 440 volt
blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free
-of cholesterol ... but too many adrenalin rushes in any given time-span has
+of cholesterol ... but too many adrenaline rushes in any given time-span has
the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments
are said to have on the brain: after a while you start burning out the
circuits.
@@ -1802,7 +1805,7 @@ the Church after something like that."
into Safeway anymore either."
%
There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in
-a bar having a few drinks together.
+a bar having a few drinks together.
The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to
drive your wife wild in bed?"
"Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the
@@ -1825,10 +1828,10 @@ nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun
it once, and the damn dog bit me!"
%
"They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
-parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
+parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
-Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
+Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
"Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
@@ -1840,7 +1843,7 @@ country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
- "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
+ "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
"It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
@@ -1913,37 +1916,37 @@ arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do
for a living?"
"Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..."
%
- Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally
+ Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally
ran out. "I have an idea," croaked Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow
shum money from my wife."
- The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light,
+ The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light,
and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man.
-This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to
+This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to
affect the husband.
"Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he
asked.
"Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantle, and for
Pete's sake, turn off those lights."
- Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's
+ Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's
enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good, eh, old buddy?"
"But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle
he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?"
"The hell with him," replied Al. "Let him buy his own pint."
%
- Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club
+ Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club
car of a train headed east out of Chicago.
"I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to
London?"
- The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war,"
+ The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war,"
he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did
he say, Reggie?"
"He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman
replied.
- After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You
+ After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You
didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"
- The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he
-exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months
+ The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he
+exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months
just before I came back to the States!"
"What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
"He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
@@ -1952,7 +1955,7 @@ just before I came back to the States!"
were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the
side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck
driver. "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked.
- Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to
+ Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to
deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl,
"Ah, why doncha suck my cock."
"Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going
@@ -1969,26 +1972,26 @@ and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
%
- Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about
+ Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about
their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife
has cut me down to just once a week."
- "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know
+ "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know
two guys she's cut off altogether.
%
- Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering
-the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
-mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he
-noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well,
-hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and
-the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're
-lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he
+ Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering
+the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
+mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he
+noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well,
+hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and
+the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're
+lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he
come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner
-asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally
-the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he
-said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at
-this ungodly hour?"
+asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally
+the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he
+said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at
+this ungodly hour?"
The man said, "Come into the embalming room."
- They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now
+ They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now
watch."
He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The
partner looks at him disgustedly and says: "You brought me down here at
@@ -2011,7 +2014,7 @@ screaming: "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?"
Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and
was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process. "What the
hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his
-eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sungalsses. "Never mind,"
+eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses. "Never mind,"
I said. "It's your turn to drive." I hit the brakes and aimed the Great
Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point in mentioning the
bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
@@ -2071,7 +2074,7 @@ Rumania.
-- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
%
While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
-the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
+the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
"Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
@@ -2095,7 +2098,7 @@ into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one
evening and followed him. After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he
waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding
an explanation. She told him the whole story.
- "Hmmm," mused the captian. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
+ "Hmmm," mused the captain. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
admire that young seaman's ingenuity. However, miss, I feel it is only fair
to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry."
%
@@ -2125,7 +2128,7 @@ his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
be anything else?"
%
You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an
-elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you
+elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you
up in the bar last night?"
"Uh-huh," the elephant replies.
"Did I bring you home?"
@@ -2147,7 +2150,7 @@ that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword. My own belief in
God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge. My respect
for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most
virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth. But even well-educated Christians are
-frustated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus
+frustrated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus
because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record. Such ambiguity
is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar
is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to
@@ -2178,6 +2181,16 @@ And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
Afore I have a pee.
-- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry"
%
+1. The sport of choice for the low skill level employees is: BASKETBALL.
+2. The sport of choice for maintainence level employees is: BOWLING.
+3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is: FOOTBALL.
+4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: BASEBALL.
+5. The sport of choice for middle management is: TENNIS.
+6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: GOLF.
+
+AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller
+your balls.
+%
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
@@ -2200,7 +2213,7 @@ And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
4. You don't have to let a beer win.
5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
sleep with it beer, too.
- 6. A beer helps with the houswork.
+ 6. A beer helps with the housework.
7. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
@@ -2215,7 +2228,7 @@ And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
4. You don't have to let a beer win.
5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
sleep with it, too.
- 6. A beer helps with the houswork.
+ 6. A beer helps with the housework.
7. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
@@ -2271,7 +2284,7 @@ And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
3. A beer won't steal all the covers.
4. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer.
5. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
- 6. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
+ 6. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo".
7. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
8. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
9. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
@@ -2298,7 +2311,7 @@ And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
7. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
8. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
9. A beer won't steal the covers.
-10. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
+10. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo".
11. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
12. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
13. A beer tastes good.
@@ -2345,8 +2358,8 @@ And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't
make you ill.
%
-A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for
-more than a year.
+A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for
+more than a year.
"Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?"
"Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room."
"I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He
@@ -2355,7 +2368,7 @@ A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again.
He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through
this part of town?"
"Nope. Nary a one. But we still got George in the back room."
- Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of
+ Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of
thing," and turned on his heel and left.
Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on
his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the
@@ -2432,7 +2445,7 @@ I am not I, I'm a tree."
And covered his pants leg with pee.
%
A beautiful belle of Del Norte
-Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty
+Is reckoned disdainful and haughty
Because during the day
She says: "Boys, keep away!"
But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
@@ -2444,9 +2457,9 @@ Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
%
A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
-purgatory for the purse.
+purgatory for the purse.
%
-A beautiful, voluptous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes
+A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes
one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right
away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her
thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
@@ -2528,7 +2541,7 @@ Was heard to confess in her cups:
Was fucking a collie --
But I got a nice price for the pups."
%
-A burleyque dancer, a pip
+A burlesque dancer, a pip
Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
But she read science fiction
And died of constriction
@@ -2999,7 +3012,7 @@ He couldn't get out with ESC.
A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
Made love to the drive of his disk.
The thing circumsized him,
- Which rather suprised him.
+ Which rather surprised him.
He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
%
A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush.
@@ -3435,7 +3448,7 @@ to his death.
"DUMB YANKEE."
%
A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
-by the side of the street. Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned
+by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
@@ -3621,8 +3634,8 @@ you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
%
A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From
his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
-sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprieter, "How much
-to replace this, Ian?" The proprieter says, "Why, Angus, that'l be four
+sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much
+to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'l be four
pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the
condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders
for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."
@@ -3701,7 +3714,7 @@ attendant.
"Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper
pricks than those raised in Africa?"
The attendant hesitated for a moment. "Well, ma'am," he answered,
-"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are
+"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are
about the same."
%
A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at
@@ -3717,7 +3730,7 @@ wanted to try out a pig himself. He had watched several miners walk upstairs
to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms. Now, he was
game to make his move. He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose
a nice fat, pink sow. As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went
-quiet. In the embarassing hush, all eyes were upon him.
+quiet. In the embarrassing hush, all eyes were upon him.
"What's the matter? I thought all you fellows did this!"
"Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep.
%
@@ -3948,7 +3961,7 @@ Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy,
The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper,
Her figurehead They filled his ass,
A whore in bed, With broken glass,
-Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcized the skipper.
+Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcised the skipper.
The first mate's name was Higgins, The captain's daughter Mabel,
And Higgins was a biggins, They screwed when they were able,
@@ -3968,7 +3981,7 @@ AC/DC is a rock band.
Achilles' Biological Findings:
(1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.
If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
- (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
+ (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
-- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.
%
Adam's Law:
@@ -3977,7 +3990,7 @@ Adam's Law:
(2) Men know very well what they want;
having got it, they begin to lose interest.
%
-Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex,
+Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex,
and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it...
%
Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages --
@@ -4008,8 +4021,8 @@ for a while, and then kissed on the couch. A little fondling, some feeling
and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they
were in the wide, cool bed, naked together. They chatted more, established
a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying. The
-girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good.
- "Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could
+girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good.
+ "Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could
be my own daughter." He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes.
"Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl
like you doing in a hotel like this?"
@@ -4019,7 +4032,7 @@ After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
%
After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested
in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically. In desperation, Joan
-hauled him to a marriage couselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints
+hauled him to a marriage counselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints
and Max's protestations. Max claimed that he was being nagged unmercifully
to fulfill Joan's needs, and that after awhile every marriage tended to
become less physical. Joan said that that wasn't true and that she had
@@ -4173,7 +4186,7 @@ crime? Who enjoys his job today? You? Me? Anybody? The only satisfying
part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time. Years ago
there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more
important jobs to come. Once you can be sold the myth that you may make
-president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps. But nobody
+president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps. But nobody
believes he's going to be president anymore. The more people change jobs
the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for
a living and total stupefying boredom. So why NOT take revenge? You're not
@@ -4268,7 +4281,7 @@ America's two greatest inventions are finger-fucking and carpet-bombing.
An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches.
%
An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about
-the happiness of life.
+the happiness of life.
"To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful
dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night
Football," the American said.
@@ -4283,7 +4296,7 @@ with fear, you rush out and open the door. Right there, you see two secret
policemen ready to handcuff you. One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van
Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities. You are
being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!' Sweating profusely and
-shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh
+shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh
lives next door.' That moment is happiness in life, my friends.
%
An American businessman in London was given special visitor's privileges at an
@@ -4355,7 +4368,7 @@ who has seen the Managing Director face on).
-- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout"
%
And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve? The judgement of God
-upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of
+upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of
criminal at the bar of justice.
-- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer
%
@@ -4373,12 +4386,12 @@ lewdly darted the tip of his tongue into each of my nostrils, one after the
other, and with such cleverness he provoked two or three sneezes which
redoubled the flow he desired and was consuming so hungrily. But ask me for
no details bearing upon this fellow, Messieurs, nothing appeared, and whether
-because he did nothing, or becaues he did it all in his drawers, there was
+because he did nothing, or because he did it all in his drawers, there was
nothing to be seen, and amidst the multitude of his kisses and lecherous
lickings there was nothing outstanding which might have denoted an ecstasy,
and consequently it is my opinion that he did not discharge. All my clothes
were in place, even his hands stayed still, and I give you my word that this
-old libertine's fantasy might be performed upon the world's most repectable
+old libertine's fantasy might be performed upon the world's most respectable
and least initiated girl without her being able to suppose there was anything
lewd in it at all.
-- Marquis de Sade
@@ -4453,14 +4466,14 @@ there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it.
%
Another stupid gay joke!!!
You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry
-daquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't
+daiquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't
serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come
in and kick your ass?"
The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo
thurstay...."
Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer
-on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon
-as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the
+on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon
+as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the
bar. He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could
lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!"
From the back of the bar comes the cry... "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!"
@@ -4559,7 +4572,7 @@ as soon as you notice any of the following symptoms:
-- An overwhelming sense of peace and happiness.
-- Visions of the faces of deceased family members.
-- A glorious figure in white, beckoning from the end of a tunnel of
-white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintainance officers,
+white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintenance officers,
who wear dark blue and safety orange.)
Once the feeling has passed, inspect your surroundings. If still in
your car, you have probably suffered a stroke and should have someone drive
@@ -4568,7 +4581,7 @@ the local officials for information on local traffic rules and regulations.
%
As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two
figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew
-his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking,
+his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking,
oblivious to his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt barely three
inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them. "You
could have been killed!"
@@ -4657,11 +4670,11 @@ popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
blooded born and bred Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker
kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll
-give you $10 for a blow job."
+give you $10 for a blow job."
The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and
killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank
you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"
- Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell!
+ Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell!
No tenderfoot is gonna come 'round here raisin' the price of women in Texas!"
%
Balls Law:
@@ -4670,7 +4683,7 @@ Balls Law:
%
BALTIMORE:
Where the women wear turtleneck
- sweators to hide their flea collars.
+ sweaters to hide their flea collars.
%
Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
%
@@ -4713,7 +4726,7 @@ beef stroganoff, n:
"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, "I want to
confess some affairs that I've had in the past."
"But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man
-replied.
+replied.
"Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago."
%
Beifeld's Principle:
@@ -4741,7 +4754,7 @@ While Riley was away.
%
Benny Hill: Would you like a peanut?
Girl: No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation.
-Benny Hill: You won't be under obligation for a peanut.
+Benny Hill: You won't be under obligation for a peanut.
It's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something.
%
Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda.
@@ -4761,7 +4774,7 @@ generally is a magnificent erotic instrument. The famous gentleman in erotic
prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands,
and both big toes. Use the toe in mammary or armpit intercourse or any time
you are astride her, or sit facing as she lies or sits. Make sure the nail
-isn't sharp. In a restuarant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously
+isn't sharp. In a restaurant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously
remove a shoe and sock, reach over, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm
with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact--
A party trick which really rates as advanced sex. She has less scope, but
@@ -4771,9 +4784,9 @@ results.
-- The Joy of Sex
[Avoid armpit intercourse when razor stubble is present. Ed.]
%
-Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they
-discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women
-can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she
+Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they
+discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women
+can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she
don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!"
%
Birth, copulation and death.
@@ -4843,7 +4856,7 @@ students. A three-foot bar of extruded aluminum was precisely machined,
with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of
the small Gideon bibles. The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected
to provide up to 2,000 PSIG. Prelimary estimates during field testing
-revealed a muzzle velocity of approximarly 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting
+revealed a muzzle velocity of approximately 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting
the tube. Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to
campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on
Brother Jim, who suffered a broken rib and numerous small bruises, in
@@ -4855,10 +4868,10 @@ brunette bush, n:
bug, n:
A son of a glitch.
%
-Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee
+Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee
Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was the new bait.
-The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about
-cheese, except mice. But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with
+The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about
+cheese, except mice. But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with
tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped.
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
%
@@ -5023,7 +5036,7 @@ a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God.
In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents.
%
CHRISTMAS:
- A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry
+ A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry
salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best
response time of the entire year.
%
@@ -5184,10 +5197,10 @@ Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
[Taking a shower in raincoat? Ed.]
%
-Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphrams.
+Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphragms.
-- Robin Williams
%
-Confucious say:
+Confucius say:
man who lay girl on hill, not on level.
man who pull out too fast leave rubber.
man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
@@ -5202,7 +5215,7 @@ Confucious say:
a smart man knows on which side his broad is better.
man who arrives late to party will find himself beaten to the punch!
%
-Confucious say:
+Confucius say:
man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs.
man and mouse the same, both end up in pussy.
@@ -5214,7 +5227,7 @@ Confucious say:
man who lie under car, get tired -- man who stand behind car,
get exhausted.
%
-Confucious say:
+Confucius say:
woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house.
woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring
next spring.
@@ -5223,13 +5236,13 @@ Confucious say:
man who kicked in testicles get left holding bag.
man who suck nipples make clean breast of things.
woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine.
- woman's irginity like balloon, one prick and all gone.
+ woman's virginity like balloon, one prick and all gone.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best.
squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
- eplileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one.
+ epileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one.
seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
%
-Confucious say:
+Confucius say:
woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town.
fool man climb tree to get cherries; wise man spread limbs.
woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up.
@@ -5256,7 +5269,7 @@ confusion, n:
Father's Day in San Francisco.
%
CONSULTANT:
- Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
+ Someone who knows 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
%
continental breakfast, n:
A roll in bed with some honey.
@@ -5300,20 +5313,9 @@ Cox's philosophy:
%
coyote love, n:
Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is
- the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles
- bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping
- on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you
- chew off your arm at the shoulder.
-
-coyote ugly, adj:
- When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for
- a one-armed man!
-%
-coyote love, n:
- Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is
- the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles
+ the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles
bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping
- on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you
+ on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you
chew off your arm at the shoulder.
coyote ugly, adj:
@@ -5327,7 +5329,7 @@ as alcohol consumption increases and time, t, approaches last call.
and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and
because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be
more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our
-entire intellectualy heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing
+entire intellectual heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing
honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment
to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any
general understanding of science as an enterprise?
@@ -5354,7 +5356,7 @@ Sed virginem pine necebat.
%
Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness.
%
-Curiousity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
+Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
%
Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-studies text,
"what did you do during the sexual revolution?"
@@ -5409,7 +5411,10 @@ you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..."
%
Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention.
%
-Dave has an areoplane,
+date; talk; touch; unzip; finger; expand; strip; head; mount; yes; yes; yes;
+eject; more; sleep
+%
+Dave has an aeroplane,
In which he likes to frisk.
Oh what a foolish boy,
His silly *.
@@ -5447,7 +5452,7 @@ Dear Confused:
Dear Ann Landers:
I have a problem. I have two brothers; one works for the Illinois
Bell Telephone Company, the other brother was just sentenced to death
-in the electric chair for murder. My mother died from insanity when
+in the electric chair for murder. My mother died from insanity when
I was three years old. My two sisters are prostitutes and my father
sells narcotics.
I recently met girl who was just released from a reformatory where
@@ -5545,7 +5550,7 @@ He was blown down the street by a rocket.
Blew his balls up his ass,
And his pecker was found in his pocket.
%
-Did you hear they cancelled Easter this year?
+Did you hear they canceled Easter this year?
Found the body.
%
Did you know that some people your age have sex
@@ -5635,9 +5640,6 @@ idea that I'm knocking the American system.
Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.
-- Woody Allen
%
-Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
-- Bo Diddley
%
@@ -5776,17 +5778,16 @@ Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive
like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume
and at least a pint of ether.
- -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
%
Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then
drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
%
-Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
-closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
-then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas.
- -- Hunter S. Thompson
+Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.
+
+Please, think of the kittens.
%
Everyone: "Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you,
Amen!"
@@ -5814,7 +5815,7 @@ Everyone has the right, without exception, to equal pay for equal work.
Except for women.
%
Everyone in the office is welcome to join the group going to the Columbus
-Theater tonight. Meet in the lobby at 8:30. The films are "Blue Jennifer"
+Theater tonight. Meet in the lobby at 8:30. The films are "Blue Jennifer"
and "Hot Coed Cheerleaders".
%
Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence. These silly humans
@@ -5826,7 +5827,7 @@ cats.
They don't have sexual hangups. A cat gets horny, it does something
about it.
They keep reasonable hours. You *never* see a cat up before noon.
- They know how to relax. Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer?
+ They know how to relax. Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer?
What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war? Pretty neglible.
It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to
do with ones time. Like lie in the sun and sleep. Or go exploring the world.
@@ -6009,7 +6010,7 @@ For children, a woman.
For pleasure, a boy.
For sheer ecstasy, a melon.
%
-For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an
+For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an
exquisite nightgown of imported lace. The next week her salary was
raised!
%
@@ -6033,7 +6034,7 @@ For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
But the one remedy
For contagious V.D.
-Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
+Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
%
"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
"You have told me my bosom is snowy;
@@ -6304,8 +6305,8 @@ GAY:
One who'd rather swish than fight.
%
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
- You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because
-you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
+ You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because
+you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.
%
Gentlemen prefer blondes, but who says blondes prefer gentlemen?
@@ -6317,8 +6318,8 @@ George, after tying on a whopper the night before, woke up in the morning to
find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him. He
leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the
bureau. He then started to tiptoe out of the room. But, as he passed the
-foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg. Glancing down, he saw
-another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed. She gazed up
+foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg. Glancing down, he saw
+another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed. She gazed up
at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"
%
George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he
@@ -6426,6 +6427,12 @@ Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
GLEE CLUB GROUPIE:
A girl into choral sex.
%
+GNU Make will no longer go into an infinite loop when fed the horrid
+trash that passes for makefiles that `imake' produces (so you can
+compile X, despite the extreme stubbornness and irrationality of its
+maintainers).
+ -- GNU Make 3.55 release notes
+%
Go out with girls Dutch treat -- pay for dinner, drinks,
and the movie, and the rest of the evening is on her.
%
@@ -6484,12 +6491,6 @@ But man spoiled his chances by sinning
Will end in God's glory
But at present the other side's winning.
%
-God's plan made a hopeful beginning
-But man spoiled his chances by sinning.
- We trust that the story
- Will end in God's glory
-But at present, the other side's winning.
-%
Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello
is fatal to a virgin.
-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
@@ -6874,7 +6875,7 @@ pink damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
%
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
%
-He who trains his tongue to quote the learned
+He who trains his tongue to quote the learned
sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.
-- Howard Kandel
%
@@ -7137,7 +7138,7 @@ Hear about...
the sultan who had ten wives, nine of them had it soft.
%
Hear about...
- the swinger who labelled his little black book "Future Shack"?
+ the swinger who labeled his little black book "Future Shack"?
%
Hear about...
the tight end who got two years for possession and came out a
@@ -7273,7 +7274,7 @@ one morning when his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under
an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling
stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was
illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the
-court was going to take a nap.
+court was going to take a nap.
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
Here's a toast to Screwy Dick,
@@ -7300,7 +7301,7 @@ Here's to the girl in all our hearts...
In other words, guys, what do you say we all go downtown for
the rest of the night?
%
-Here's to the woman beautiful and devine
+Here's to the woman beautiful and divine
she flowers every month bears fruit every nine
she's the only creature 'tween heaven and hell
can get the juice from a nut without cracking the shell.
@@ -7779,7 +7780,7 @@ I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking.
%
I was 15 years old before I found out that "damn yankee" was two words.
%
-I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama.
+I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama.
I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts.
-- Firesign Theatre
%
@@ -7829,7 +7830,7 @@ I wish that my room had a floor;
I don't so much care for a door,
But this walking around
Without touching the ground
-Is getting to be quite a bore!
+Is getting to be quite a bore!
-- Gelett Burgess
%
I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
@@ -8697,7 +8698,7 @@ And fuck some more! I would dance and I'd be merry
If I only had a dong!
-- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz
%
-I've been told that it's far more sensous to have a woman leave something
+I've been told that it's far more sensuous to have a woman leave something
on rather than being totally nude. Myself, I've always felt that the lights
were more than enough.
%
@@ -8751,7 +8752,7 @@ Each had a buck and a quarter.
Jill came down with two and a half --
And you thought that they went for water.
%
-Jack and Jill
+Jack and Jill
Went up the hill,
Each had a buck and a quarter!
Jill came down,
@@ -8803,7 +8804,7 @@ Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food.
%
Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were
on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink.
- "Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the
+ "Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the
women and children aboard the lifeboats first."
"Fuck the women!" Kennedy shouted.
"Do we have time?" Hart asked.
@@ -8825,7 +8826,7 @@ Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get
a prompt, type like hell.
%
Just go with the flow control, roll with the
-crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell.
+crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell.
%
Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of
blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys
@@ -9313,6 +9314,10 @@ take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt.
%
May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
%
+May all the boys you fall in love with fall in love with boys themselves.
+%
+May all the girls you fall in love with fall in love with girls themselves.
+%
May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H.
%
May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
@@ -9605,13 +9610,13 @@ to screw again as long as I live.
%
My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine.
%
-My travel agent's an Oxford chap
+My travel agent's an Oxford chap
Who rolls his eyes when he speaks.
-I asked him about the Isle of Man
+I asked him about the Isle of Man
For a journey of about six weeks.
-And this is what he said to me
+And this is what he said to me
As he looked me right in the eye,
-"For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip
+"For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip
Of Elephant Shit On Rye."
A brand-new store just opened its door
@@ -9666,7 +9671,7 @@ navel, n:
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
Watch who you sleep with.
%
-necrophelia, n:
+necrophilia, n:
Dead boring.
incest, n:
@@ -9787,7 +9792,7 @@ have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence
of God. The argument follows: "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God,
"for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing." "But," says Man,
"the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved
-by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguements,
+by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguments,
you don't. QED." "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and
promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
-- D. Adams
@@ -9799,7 +9804,7 @@ What would they do if I made no landfall?"
-- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall"
%
Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and
-occasionally has problems with folks harrassing her. She came up
+occasionally has problems with folks harassing her. She came up
with this in response to one...
Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing.
@@ -10036,7 +10041,7 @@ Was tattooed the price of her tail.
Was the same information -- in Braille.
%
On the breasts of a harlot from Yale
-Was tatooed the price of her tail
+Was tattooed the price of her tail
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.
@@ -10051,15 +10056,15 @@ Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to
eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bringa me
only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate. She says you
better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch. I don't even know the lady
-and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant.
-The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna
-fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I
-wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you
-sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona
+and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant.
+The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna
+fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I
+wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you
+sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona
my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go
-to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say
-you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man
-at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I
+to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say
+you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man
+at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I
gonna back to Italy.
%
Once a woman has given you her heart you
@@ -10108,20 +10113,20 @@ know, the bull surprised the brown cow."
Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and
made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company. The farmer
wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster.
-"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic
-and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this,
-bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among
-his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work.
-It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and
-began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this
-rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster,
-however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next
-morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in
-the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure
-enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer
-shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told
-you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head
-toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to
+"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic
+and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this,
+bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among
+his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work.
+It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and
+began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this
+rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster,
+however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next
+morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in
+the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure
+enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer
+shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told
+you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head
+toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to
the birds above. "I think they're coming down."
%
Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One
@@ -10164,7 +10169,7 @@ all his might.
Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed,
and a little, tiny coed. One night they came home from a dance, and the big
coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!"
- The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been
+ The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been
sleeping in my bed!"
And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!"
%
@@ -10623,7 +10628,7 @@ polish fly, n:
%
Politicians do it to everyone.
%
-Pompoir: The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all.
+Pompoir: The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all.
'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with
a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the
@@ -10699,7 +10704,7 @@ Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
%
Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.
%
-Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame cermony, [Cash] went to
+Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame ceremony, [Cash] went to
the bathroom. "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked
in... He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a
picture of this.' I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'"
@@ -10736,8 +10741,8 @@ out the door.
pubic hair, n:
Organic dental floss.
%
-Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine,
-And frollicked in the Autumn mist,
+Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine,
+And frolicked in the Autumn mist,
And drank Manishiewitz wine.
Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff,
And brought him soup and Matzah balls,
@@ -10875,7 +10880,7 @@ A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my
credit for answering this incredibly vital question."
%
Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light
- bulb, in San Fransisco?
+ bulb, in San Francisco?
A: Both of them.
%
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
@@ -10908,7 +10913,7 @@ A: Sheep don't have strings.
Q: What do two WASPs say after making love?
A: Thank you very much. It'll never happen again.
%
-Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian?
+Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadriplegic Virginian?
A: Trustworthy.
%
Q: What do you call a nun who has had a sex change operation?
@@ -10960,7 +10965,7 @@ A: Will the defendant please rise?
%
Q: What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean?
A: It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the
- Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukranians take
+ Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukrainians take
the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews.
%
Q: What goes
@@ -11408,7 +11413,7 @@ Readers Ask:
Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is
usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible. If
-a professional exterminater specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is
+a professional exterminator specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is
possible to handle the situation with common household items. However, much
of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying. First,
driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill
@@ -11609,18 +11614,6 @@ And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."
%
Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
Whose virtue was largely a myth,
- "Try as hard as I can,
- I can't find a man
-That it's fun to be virtuous with!"
-%
-Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
-Whose virtue was largely a myth,
- "Try as hard as I can,
- I can't find a man
-That it's fun to be virtuous with."
-%
-Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
-Whose virtue was largely a myth,
"Try as hard as I can,
I can't find a man
That it's fun to be virtuous with!"
@@ -11632,18 +11625,6 @@ Said crew girl Angelica Bauer :
He doesn't withdraw for an hour."
%
Said Einstein, "I have an equation
-Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
- Let v be virginity
- Approaching infinity;
-Let p be a constant persuasion;
-
-Let p over p be inverted
-With the square root of mu inserted
- N times into v ...
- The result, Q E D,
-Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
-%
-Said Einstein, "I have an equation
Which to some may seem Rabelaisian:
Let V be virginity
Approaching infinity;
@@ -11756,7 +11737,7 @@ but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand."
"Yeah, I now what you mean. So, what are you here for?"
"Erm ... well ... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going
to be ... you know ... I'm going to have the *operation*."
- "Oh. Well, I'm sorry," sympathised the first dog.
+ "Oh. Well, I'm sorry," sympathized the first dog.
Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely.
"So," he asked, "What are you in here for?"
"Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed.
@@ -11842,7 +11823,7 @@ SEMINARS:
From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
%
Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
- notify you if the record has pornographics material or
+ notify you if the record has pornographic material or
material glorifying violence?"
Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on
@@ -11872,7 +11853,7 @@ You can do each while thinking about the other.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
-- Sophia Loren
%
-Sex is a biological function; kissing is a committment.
+Sex is a biological function; kissing is a commitment.
%
Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher.
%
@@ -12237,7 +12218,7 @@ Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.
Something better...
13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God?
-14 (complememtary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to
+14 (complementary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to
perch on.
15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides?
16 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone.
@@ -12311,7 +12292,7 @@ successful cunnilingus:
SUGAR DADDY:
A man who can afford to raise cain.
%
-Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president!
+Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president!
Quite naturally, we wouldn't have to pay her so much.
%
Sure banking is Biblical!
@@ -12349,7 +12330,7 @@ And sure enough she'll take you home and make you wanna die.
-- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game"
%
Taoism: Shit Happens.
-Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit Happens".
+Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit Happens".
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Protestantism: Shit happens, but it happens to someone else.
@@ -12932,12 +12913,6 @@ Is not just a super-sensorium,
Heterosexual
Mutual masturbatorium.
%
-The new local cinematorium
-Is not only a super sensorium,
- But a highly effectual
- Heterosexual
-Mutual masturbatorium.
-%
The new priest was so nervous about performing his first mass that he could
hardly speak. He asked his Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor
replied that it might help relax him to add just a bit of vodka to the water
@@ -12972,19 +12947,19 @@ took the young champion behind the barn. "Kid," he said, "the hens are after
me for giving up my position so readily. So why don't we have a race, say,
ten laps around the farmhouse? The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the
henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me.
- The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed.
-Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart,
+ The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed.
+Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart,
weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to
-overtake him. As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster
+overtake him. As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster
maintained a formidable lead.
- Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out. The young rooster fell in the
+ Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out. The young rooster fell in the
dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot.
"Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer. "That's the last rooster we buy
from Ferguson. Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer."
%
The nipples of Sarah Sarong
When excited are twelve inches long
- This embarassed her lover
+ This embarrassed her lover
Who was pained to discover
She expected no less of his dong
%
@@ -13129,7 +13104,7 @@ as Michael came out, he accosted his and said,
singles two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?"
Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I
wanted to go downtown for a blow job."
- The priest looked suprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do
+ The priest looked surprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do
that anymore. I'll be watching you from now on."
When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed.
Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent. He said, "Mother,
@@ -13237,7 +13212,7 @@ inquired.
The young man grinned. "Perfectly. The other night, we were having
supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she! Our hands touched... It
was as if an electric current ran through us. I leaped to my feet, swept the
-dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage! There's
+dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage! There's
just one problem, however. We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..."
%
The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray
@@ -13257,7 +13232,7 @@ The spouse of a pretty young thing
Came home from the wars in the spring.
He was lame but he came
With his dame like a flame --
-A discharge is a wondeful thing.
+A discharge is a wonderful thing.
%
The star of that X-rated hit
Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit.
@@ -13290,12 +13265,6 @@ Upon my window sill. And smashed his fucking head.
%
"The testes are cooler outside,"
Said the doc to the curious bride,
- "For the semen must no
- Get too fucking hot,
-And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
-%
-"The testes are cooler outside,"
-Said the doc to the curious bride,
"For the semen must not
Get too fucking hot,
And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
@@ -13304,7 +13273,7 @@ The three faithful things in life are money, a dog and an old woman.
%
The three most important parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker.
%
-The three sexual positions during preganancy.
+The three sexual positions during pregnancy.
During the first four months: Missionary style
During the second four months: Doggie style
@@ -13350,7 +13319,7 @@ The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted,
The two things that you should never lend out are your car
or your woman. Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one.
%
-The Unitarians are really just a bunch of athiests who really
+The Unitarians are really just a bunch of atheists who really
like going to church.
%
The Utah version of this joke goes:
@@ -13360,7 +13329,7 @@ that you ran all the way here, losing your breath?"
The Council member finally regains his breath, and says "The Savior is
in the lobby!!"
The President immediate starts for the door, crying "It has come! The
-prophecies are fullfilled! We are all about to be uplifted!"
+prophecies are fulfilled! We are all about to be uplifted!"
The Council member says "Wait! You didn't let me finish! She's...
black, and SHE IS PISSED!"
%
@@ -13388,7 +13357,7 @@ youth pointed to another, somewhat larger boy smirking in the corner.
"That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against
nature. The bully!"
"Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened."
- "Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same
+ "Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same
evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on
Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since."
%
@@ -13443,17 +13412,17 @@ She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell.
It stank like a beast,
And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast.
-What a wonderful family! What marvellous style!
+What a wonderful family! What marvelous style!
I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile.
Their odor and diet
- Won't soon be forgotton,
+ Won't soon be forgotten,
And one day you and I may be equally rotten.
%
The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her
first visit home since starting college.
"Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity
last weekend."
- "I'm not suprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner
+ "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner
or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight
guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore."
@@ -13468,7 +13437,7 @@ stand. A screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber."
Then there was the girl who was engaged
to a gymnast -- 'til he broke it off.
%
-Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or
+Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or
swear, and never, ever made a pass at her. He also made his own dresses.
%
Then there was the guy that got badly messed up fighting
@@ -13557,7 +13526,7 @@ beech or a son of a birch?" asks the beech.
"You're both wrong!" says the bird. "That's the best piece of ash
I've had my pecker in for a long time!"
%
-There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a
+There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a
woman's breasts. One is not enough and three are too many.
%
There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco --
@@ -13612,7 +13581,7 @@ front page before discarding it?"
be on the front page."
-- Attributed to FDR.
%
-There was a young man hitchiking along a road one day. A car stopped and the
+There was a young man hitchhiking along a road one day. A car stopped and the
driver opened the door and asked, "What political party are you with?"
He replied, "Why, I'm a Democrat."
And the driver slammed the door and rode off. The guy was pretty
@@ -13638,18 +13607,18 @@ Got his testicles caught in a wringer.
There was once a newly-married couple. Now these two lovers were, well,
rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on",
or "boffing the brains out". So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing
-the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up.
- One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry
-tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie,
-feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood,
-but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to
-participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not
+the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up.
+ One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry
+tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie,
+feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood,
+but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to
+participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not
in the mood for doing any laundry tonite."
- Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom
+ Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom
and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead. Upon returning to the living
room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing
some laundry?" To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small
-load!"
+load!"
%
There was once a salesman who had an outstanding record for selling tooth-
brushes. His boss, wondering at his unlikely success, sent a man out to
@@ -13739,7 +13708,7 @@ barn. Alone! At last. His hands roamed about her soft back, around to her
thighs, and finally caressed her budding nipples. Oh, how smooth and succulent
she was! "Was it so wrong?", he asked himself. No, he thought, for his
father had done it, as did his own father, ad infinitum. The boiling,
-uncontrollable rage within him became unbearable. She signalled her eagerness,
+uncontrollable rage within him became unbearable. She signaled her eagerness,
spreading her legs, as he grasped her nipples again. Stroking, again and
again, longer each time. It began coming; again, again, again, again. His
mind raced with fear "Will it stop?". Exhausted, he lay down beside her.
@@ -13759,14 +13728,14 @@ DS: You're confused. Why would there be a Swiss soldier here? And who
Czech: Well, maybe, but you said it, not me.
%
This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women
-stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly,
-looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a
-stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly
-desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a
-one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he
-decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it,
-and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the
-steps to find, to his suprise, that the crowded bar was now empty.
+stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly,
+looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a
+stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly
+desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a
+one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he
+decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it,
+and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the
+steps to find, to his surprise, that the crowded bar was now empty.
"Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?"
From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey! Where were you when
the shit hit the fan?"
@@ -13867,13 +13836,13 @@ During the next few weeks, he listened particularly closely to his son's
prayers, but noticed nothing unusual. Then, one night, the boy ended his
prayers with, "God specially bless Grandmom, who won't be with us much longer."
Although the shock of the original incident had worn off during the intervening
-weeks, he nontheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health. He went to
+weeks, he nonetheless phoned his mother to inquire as to her health. He went to
bed reassured, only to be awakened in the night by his sister calling with the
news that their mother had died suddenly in the night. The father had a series
-of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered. About a month
+of psychological tests done; nothing unusual was uncovered. About a month
later, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Daddy, who won't
-be with us much longer." The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was
-going to die during the night. He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake
+be with us much longer." The man was panic-stricken, certain that he was
+going to die during the night. He resolved to stay awake all night; if awake
and alert he should be able to prevent any tragedy. Morning came. Breathing
a huge sigh of relief, he went to get the paper off the porch. There, lying
dead on the doorstep, was the milkman.
@@ -13933,8 +13902,8 @@ it might rain. I don't know why it works, but he's never been wrong!"
"Laurie, what if he has an erection?" asks the other woman.
"Honey, on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry."
%
-Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the
-better universities. During a lecture the professor stated that he was
+Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the
+better universities. During a lecture the professor stated that he was
going to test their ability at situation reasoning.
"Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft
alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several
@@ -13989,7 +13958,7 @@ Today is gonna be one helluva week!
Todays title:
Creative Violence in Sexual Relationships
%
-Tonight's piss is tommorrow's Tang.
+Tonight's piss is tomorrow's Tang.
-- An American astronaut
%
tourist, n:
@@ -14253,7 +14222,7 @@ had a couple himself that night, and was feeling rather sorry for his fellow
man, he asked the inebriated one what the trouble was.
"I did a terrible thing tonight," sniffled the drunk. "I sold my
wife to a guy for a bottle of Scotch."
- "That is terrible," said the man, too much under the weather to
+ "That is terrible," said the man, too much under the weather to
muster any real indignation. "And now that she's gone, you wish you had her
back."
"Thas right," said the drunk, still sniffling.
@@ -14316,7 +14285,7 @@ TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.
ETEHFOR'AN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE
DO HAFTAEH BA BODANEH SHEEREEL TEEGZ.
- Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed
+ Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed
self than spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs.
%
USENET is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea --
@@ -14328,7 +14297,7 @@ expect it.
User friendly software searching for friendly Hardware to interface with.
Hardware may present itself in floppy format as software has capability to
upgrading same to full size firm. Size is not all that important; but byte
-sized bandwith required -- header width is of more concern. Joystick should
+sized bandwidth required -- header width is of more concern. Joystick should
be able to toggle in different speeds and for some duration. Software is
looking for system willing to perform intensive manipulation of keyboard as
well as preparing the mainframe and disk drives. Fingering of all files
@@ -14784,7 +14753,7 @@ poor man was in the bathroom all night, masturbating furiously, muttering
"We've got things well in hand."
-- Master Byte Software, Los Gatos California.
%
-We've just recieved the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the
+We've just received the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the
various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night. According
to the report, 2% are motivated by a desire to visit the bathroom, and
3% have an urge to raid the refrigerator. The other 95% get up to go home.
@@ -14817,7 +14786,7 @@ What the fuck, over?
%
What the hell, go ahead and put all your eggs in one basket.
%
-What this department needs is a really good inflatible doll.
+What this department needs is a really good inflatable doll.
%
What with chromodynamics and electroweak too
Our Standardized Model should please even you,
@@ -14921,7 +14890,7 @@ the boss caught up with her. "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said.
"I've got to lay you or Jack off."
"Jack off," she snapped. "I have a headache."
%
-When I need something
+When I need something
To help me unwind
I find a six-foot baby What kind of guy
With a one-track mind Does a lot for me
@@ -14943,7 +14912,7 @@ Then they're out in the hall The harder they'll work
-- Julie Brown, "I Like 'Em Big and Stupid"
%
When I was eight years old I came home with tears in my eyes because some
-kids had stolen my samwich. My father handed me an ice pick, and said,
+kids had stolen my sandwich. My father handed me an ice pick, and said,
"Next time, hit 'em first and hit 'em hard."
-- Jake LaMotta
@@ -15061,7 +15030,7 @@ will happen, the executive sadly found himself unable to perform.
into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair
curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie
magazine. And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent
-erection.
+erection.
Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful,
mixed-up, son-of-a-bitch! Now I know why they call you a prick!"
%
@@ -15207,7 +15176,7 @@ Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy?
%
Writers do it between periods.
%
-"Yeah, I used to be into necrophelia, bestiality and sadism, but then I
+"Yeah, I used to be into necrophilia, bestiality and sadism, but then I
realized I was just flogging a dead horse."
%
Yesterday is a memory,