aboutsummaryrefslogtreecommitdiffstats
diff options
context:
space:
mode:
-rw-r--r--games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes4799
-rw-r--r--games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real844
-rw-r--r--games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes21612
-rw-r--r--games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o741
4 files changed, 4181 insertions, 3815 deletions
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes
index cc52378233db..c83187afb4f4 100644
--- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes
@@ -1,3 +1,1622 @@
+This fortune brought to you by:
+$FreeBSD$
+%
+ -- Gifts for Children --
+
+This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
+because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
+and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
+morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
+exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
+your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
+Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
+might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
+me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
+who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+ -- Gifts for Men --
+
+Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
+ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
+should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
+clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
+example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
+three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
+that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
+at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
+So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
+years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
+pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
+
+If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
+than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
+of tires.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+ *** NEWSFLASH ***
+Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven!
+%
+ ACHTUNG!!!
+
+Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
+schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
+spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
+rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
+vatch das blinkenlights!!!
+%
+ Chapter 1
+
+The story so far:
+
+ In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
+of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
+%
+ DELETE A FORTUNE!
+
+Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like
+to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to
+"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
+gets expunged.
+%
+ Get GUMMed
+ --- ------
+The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
+1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
+the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep
+each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
+chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
+nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three
+days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two
+seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
+friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is
+Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
+"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
+Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because
+all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
+could tell them.
+ -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
+%
+ Pittsburgh Driver's Test
+
+(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
+ but a steady left tail light. This means
+
+ (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
+ to call the problem to the driver's attention.
+ (b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
+ (c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
+ (d) the driver is from out of town.
+
+The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign
+countries to signal turns.
+%
+ Pittsburgh Driver's Test
+
+(8) Pedestrians are
+
+ (a) irrelevant.
+ (b) communists.
+ (c) a nuisance.
+ (d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
+
+The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
+totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
+%
+ Has your family tried 'em?
+
+ POWDERMILK BISCUITS
+
+ Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
+
+ They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the
+ strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
+
+ POWDERMILK BISCUITS
+
+ Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the
+ biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains
+ that indicate freshness.
+%
+ THE STORY OF CREATION
+ or
+ THE MYTH OF URK
+
+In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
+and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
+was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
+registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
+and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
+Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
+and there was morning, one interrupt ...
+ -- Rico Tudor
+%
+ JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
+ by Mark Isaak
+
+ Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
+character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
+hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
+are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
+BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
+to him.
+ So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
+he met the traveling salesman.
+ "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
+in high-level language.
+ "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
+and Apples," commented Jack.
+ "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
+there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
+ Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
+he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
+started thrashing.
+ "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
+kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
+window ...
+%
+ A Severe Strain on the Credulity
+
+As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest
+parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
+is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one
+considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one
+begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really
+starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor
+maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left.
+Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing
+of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to
+re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum
+against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the
+knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
+ -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
+%
+ AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
+
+If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
+across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
+%
+ AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
+
+There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
+would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
+%
+ Another Glitch in the Call
+ ------- ------ -- --- ----
+ (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.)
+
+We don't need no indirection
+We don't need no flow control
+No data typing or declarations
+Did you leave the lists alone?
+
+ Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!
+
+Chorus:
+ All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
+ All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
+%
+ Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
+
+(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
+(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
+(3) I don't know.
+(4) Who cares?
+(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
+ Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
+(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
+ book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
+ bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
+ Papyrus Books).
+%
+ DETERIORATA
+
+Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
+And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
+Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
+Rotate your tires.
+Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
+And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
+Know what to kiss -- and when.
+Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
+But that three do.
+Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
+Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
+And despite the changing fortunes of time,
+There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
+
+ You are a fluke of the universe ...
+ You have no right to be here.
+ Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
+ Is laughing behind your back.
+ -- National Lampoon
+%
+ Double Bucky
+ (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")
+
+Double bucky, you're the one!
+You make my keyboard lots of fun
+ Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
+(Vo-vo-de-o!)
+Control and Meta side by side,
+Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
+ Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
+
+Double bucky, left and right
+OR'd together, outta sight!
+ Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
+ Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
+ Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
+
+ -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr.
+%
+ Gimmie That Old Time Religion
+We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids,
+Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods,
+I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids,
+And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me!
+ (chorus) (chorus)
+
+In the church of Aphrodite,
+The priestess wears a see-through nightie,
+She's a mighty righteous sightie,
+And she's good enough for me!
+ (chorus)
+
+CHORUS: Give me that old time religion,
+ Give me that old time religion,
+ Give me that old time religion,
+ 'Cause it's good enough for me!
+%
+ MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
+The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last
+Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while
+the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the
+Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could
+paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player
+took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting
+their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player
+said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a
+fight and the match was called by officials.
+%
+ OUTCONERR
+Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
+ Did logzerneg the ifthen block
+All kludgy were the function flows
+ And subroutines adhoc.
+
+Beware the runtime-bug my friend
+ squrooneg, the false goto
+Beware the infiniteloop
+ And shun the inprectoo.
+%
+ Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
+ Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
+
+(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs,
+ ants.
+(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships.
+(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
+(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter.
+(5) Exotic birds flock around you.
+(6) People ignore you at parties.
+(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
+(8) You no longer get off on cocaine.
+%
+ Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
+(1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
+ bomb; use the stairs.
+(2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
+ the ground.
+(3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
+(4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
+ psychological problems.
+(5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to
+ recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed
+ potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
+(6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs
+ will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
+(7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
+(8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
+ staggering illegally.
+(9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
+ sanitary due to limited circulation.
+(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
+ D-Day.
+%
+ The STAR WARS Song
+ Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
+
+I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
+Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
+ S-O-D-A soda
+I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
+I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
+ Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
+
+Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
+A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
+ Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
+Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
+How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
+ Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
+%
+ The Three Major Kind of Tools
+
+* Tools for hitting things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
+ jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
+ manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
+ bludgeons, and truncheons.)
+
+* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)
+
+* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
+ greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
+ (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
+ any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+ (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
+Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
+Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
+And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
+Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
+Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
+And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
+And we've also found Just flip one switch
+When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
+You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
+ in a flash.
+Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU
+Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo,"
+And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash.
+%
+ 'Twas the Night before Crisis
+
+'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
+ Not a program was working not even a browse.
+The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
+ Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
+The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
+ While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
+When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
+ I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
+And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
+ But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
+More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
+ And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
+On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
+ On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
+His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
+ From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
+A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
+ Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
+%
+ William Safire's Rules for Writers:
+
+Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
+be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to
+agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
+out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
+of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
+not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
+conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
+sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
+close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
+words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
+must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
+linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
+metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
+be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
+writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
+the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
+viable alternatives.
+%
+ A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
+ by Mark Twain
+
+ For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
+to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
+be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
+would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
+might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
+same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
+"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
+ Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
+with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
+or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
+Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
+ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
+ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
+ Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
+hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
+%
+
+ *** System shutdown message from root ***
+
+System going down in 60 seconds
+
+
+%
+ "... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
+ "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
+feel interested.
+ "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
+vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
+Aged Man.'"
+ "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
+Alice corrected herself.
+ "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
+called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
+ "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time
+completely bewildered.
+ "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
+"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
+%
+ A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was
+eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality
+test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
+ Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into
+the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
+%
+ A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
+about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their
+arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
+the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
+Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
+incredible surgical feat."
+ The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the
+Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
+that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an
+architect."
+ The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
+"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
+%
+ A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
+first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
+ "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
+and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
+ "But the collar is up around my ears!"
+ "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
+little more ... that's it."
+ "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
+ "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
+go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
+ So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
+street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
+ "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
+ "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+ A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his
+novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how
+insignificant," said the master.
+
+ "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
+
+ "It is," came the reply.
+
+ "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
+
+ "It is even in a video game," said the master.
+
+ "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
+
+ The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The
+lesson is over for today," he said.
+ -- "The Tao of Programming"
+%
+ A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
+the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
+pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
+nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..."
+ "If what?" asked the composer.
+ "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
+%
+ A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
+removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
+doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
+amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
+limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
+larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
+power-down sequence.
+ An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
+building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
+bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
+cool.
+%
+ A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came
+upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
+"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow
+man".
+ As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
+he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
+%
+ After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
+Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
+and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
+to be created."
+ "This is true," He replied.
+ "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
+ "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
+right to make his laws?"
+ "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
+make his own."
+ It was so granted.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+ An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He
+knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with
+great restraint.
+ As he designs the first work, frill after frill and
+embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away
+to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished,
+and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of
+that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.
+ This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.
+When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will
+confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems,
+and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that
+are particular and not generalizable.
+ The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using
+all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first
+one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
+ -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
+%
+ An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
+in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
+ "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
+you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
+an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
+hour seems like a minute."
+ The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
+moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+ "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
+asked the father of his little son.
+ "Diet."
+%
+ Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
+took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his
+followers.
+ One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
+there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
+ "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
+commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
+Purpose in Life, anyway?"
+ Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
+Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
+ Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
+ Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
+ -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
+%
+ COMMENT
+
+Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
+A medley of extemporanea;
+And love is thing that can never go wrong;
+And I am Marie of Roumania.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+ Deck Us All With Boston Charlie
+
+Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
+Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
+Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
+Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
+
+Don't we know archaic barrel,
+Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
+Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
+Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
+ -- Walt Kelly
+%
+ During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
+were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a
+red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
+"Hey, you almost hit my wife."
+ "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a
+shot at mine, over there."
+%
+ Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
+called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
+have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
+most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the
+time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
+have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
+although God alone knows why it would want to.
+ The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
+direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes
+have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
+direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents
+harmful electron buildup in the wires.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+ Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
+mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
+"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
+how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
+"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
+So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
+ -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
+%
+ Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
+other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
+the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
+d'oeuvres.
+ Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
+to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
+Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
+piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
+ Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
+inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
+other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
+placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
+the little hammers strike.
+ Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
+their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
+Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
+
+ You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
+you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
+4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
+%
+ FIGHTING WORDS
+
+Say my love is easy had,
+ Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
+Say I am too often sad --
+ Still behold me at your side.
+
+Say I'm neither brave nor young,
+ Say I woo and coddle care,
+Say the devil touched my tongue --
+ Still you have my heart to wear.
+
+But say my verses do not scan,
+ And I get me another man!
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+ "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
+of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
+
+ "Whose?"
+
+ "MINE! HA-HA!"
+%
+ "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an
+extracurricular activity except you."
+ "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
+ "Only to ten, Mudhead."
+
+ -- Firesign Theater
+%
+ GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917
+
+On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
+Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
+off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
+wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
+mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
+tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
+stood lookout.
+%
+ Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the
+month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people
+are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China.
+ The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either
+(depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax
+tadpole".
+ Bite the wax tadpole.
+ There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
+ The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's
+hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to
+bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad,
+but broad satiric vistas do not open up.
+ -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
+%
+ Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
+willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
+for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say
+"shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home
+centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
+trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
+because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
+object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
+ Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
+broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
+a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
+inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
+same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
+an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
+these sometime around the middle of next week".
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+ How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
+3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand,
+who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a
+nanocentury.
+ -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
+%
+ Hug O' War
+
+I will not play at tug o' war.
+I'd rather play at hug o' war,
+Where everyone hugs
+Instead of tugs,
+Where everyone giggles
+And rolls on the rug,
+Where everyone kisses,
+And everyone grins,
+And everyone cuddles,
+And everyone wins.
+ -- Shel Silverstein
+%
+ Human thinking can skip over a great deal, leap over small
+misunderstandings, can contain ifs and buts in untroubled corners of
+the mind. But the machine has no corners. Despite all the attempts to
+see the computer as a brain, the machine has no foreground or
+background. It can be programmed to behave as if it were working with
+uncertainty, but -- underneath, at the code, at the circuits -- it
+cannot simultaneously do something and withhold for later something that
+remains unknown. In the painstaking working out of the specification,
+line by code line, the programmer confronts an awful, inevitable truth:
+The ways of human and machine understanding are disjunct.
+ -- Ellen Ullman, "Close to the Machine"
+%
+ "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
+quavering voice.
+ "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
+course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
+I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
+Elven-lore:
+
+ "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
+ Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
+ Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
+ This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
+ The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
+ The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
+ If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
+ If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
+ -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
+%
+ I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because
+we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently
+leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say,
+in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had
+time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the
+library, we could call each other up:
+
+ You: Hello? Bob?
+ Bob: Yes?
+ You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
+ took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
+ Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
+ You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
+ "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
+ I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
+ and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
+ the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
+ have to get back to you.
+ Bob: Fine.
+ -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
+%
+ "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
+ Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
+till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
+you!'"
+ "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
+objected.
+ "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
+tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
+less."
+ "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
+so many different things."
+ "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
+that's all."
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
+%
+ "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
+that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
+more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
+might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
+otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
+otherwise.'"
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
+%
+ If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
+around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
+explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The
+"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
+deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
+better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
+with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
+you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
+successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
+ And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
+You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How
+difficult can it be?"
+ Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible,
+which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying
+other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
+yourself for far less money. This article can help you.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+ In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
+junior, what are you up to?"
+ "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
+rabbit.
+ "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"
+ "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the
+rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied
+expression on his face.
+ Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?"
+ "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits
+devour wolves."
+ "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?"
+ "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes
+out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw.
+Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody
+should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting
+next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox.
+
+The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important --
+it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
+%
+ INVENTORY
+Four be the things I am wiser to know:
+Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
+
+Four be the things I'd been better without:
+Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
+
+Three be the things I shall never attain:
+Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
+
+Three be the things I shall have till I die:
+Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
+%
+ It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
+laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
+thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
+nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
+for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
+ Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
+under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
+icepacks.
+ -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
+%
+ Love's Drug
+
+My love is like an iron wand
+ That conks me on the head,
+My love is like the valium
+ That I take before my bed,
+My love is like the pint of scotch
+ That I drink when I be dry;
+And I shall love thee still, my dear,
+ Until my wife is wise.
+%
+ Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
+Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
+pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
+military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
+Esther and hustle them off to prison.
+ They can't prove who they are because they've left their
+passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
+and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
+movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
+charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
+ The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
+they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
+if they have any last requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
+her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
+possible, and turns to Murray.
+ "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
+spits in the sergeants face.
+ "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+ No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider
+the furniture!
+ -- Sherlock Holmes
+%
+ Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
+tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
+ Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
+plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
+they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
+Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
+administration. In either the hardware or housewares department,
+you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
+described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
+interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
+that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
+ This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it
+inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
+so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
+if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
+direct sunlight.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+ On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
+receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
+income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
+$283 on the desk before the cashier.
+ "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
+route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
+ "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
+business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
+worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
+%
+ Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a
+great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to
+the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of
+life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But
+one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is
+going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I
+shall die of boredom."
+ The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that
+current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the
+rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!"
+ But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go,
+and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.
+Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current
+lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
+ And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried,
+"See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the
+Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current
+said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us
+free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this
+adventure.
+ But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to
+the rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
+%
+ One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How
+enthusiastic is our support for UNIX?
+ Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many
+years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines.
+Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple
+language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for
+students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for
+interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of
+its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on
+VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
+ It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will
+run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and
+will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
+ With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and
+quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With
+VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of
+documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the
+difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS
+is that it's all there.
+ -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984
+%
+ Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
+requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
+into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
+problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
+radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
+plumbing works.
+ A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
+except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
+it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
+and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
+all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
+kill you.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+ "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
+Candy
+Is dandy
+But liquor
+Is quicker.
+ -- Ogden Nash
+%
+ "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated
+thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY
+advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
+ "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
+ "Too proud?" the other enquired.
+ Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
+she said, "that one can't help growing older."
+ "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
+proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
+ -- Lewis Carroll
+%
+ So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
+With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
+maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of
+corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to
+flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward
+it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --
+I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in
+the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.
+ Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and
+I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our
+heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're
+unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water
+up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the
+opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of
+our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all
+the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers
+cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen
+these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked
+into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
+%
+ "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")
+
+On the good ship Enterprise
+Every week there's a new surprise
+Where the Romulans lurk
+And the Klingons often go berserk.
+
+Yes, the good ship Enterprise
+There's excitement anywhere it flies
+Where Tribbles play
+And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.
+
+ See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
+ Mr. Spock is at his side.
+ The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
+ It gets fried, scattered far and wide.
+
+It's the good ship Enterprise
+Heading out where danger lies
+And you live in dread
+If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
+ -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE
+
+SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
+Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for
+Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
+with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
+END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
+a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus
+they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
+the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP
+
+This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
+an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said
+to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL
+
+SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
+Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
+compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
+coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
+sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
+compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
+infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE
+
+Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
+unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just
+are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions.
+SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at
+parties.
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C-
+
+This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
+submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
+best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the
+language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
+statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very
+similar to COBOL.
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH
+
+FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
+refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
+JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
+BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
+CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
+
+The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
+financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include
+VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
+and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
+who end up using this language.
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE
+
+Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
+DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The
+language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
+and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A
+spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
+ours."
+
+The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have
+almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
+organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
+exist.
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
+From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,
+VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.
+
+Here is a sample program:
+ LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
+ IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND
+ VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN
+ FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
+ DO*WAH - (DITTY**2)
+ BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
+ SURE
+ LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
+ REALLY
+ LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
+ IM*SURE
+ GOTO THE MALL
+
+When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:
+
+ GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
+%
+ THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK
+
+This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
+Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
+the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
+
+The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
+while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
+because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
+Perrier.
+
+Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
+and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
+case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
+message:
+ "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can
+ you find the time to try it again?"
+%
+ The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the
+klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
+
+ "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
+
+ "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
+%
+ The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the
+Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a
+large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress'
+it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the
+apparatus for a spectator sport.
+
+ The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
+castrating pigs during Sunday service.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+ The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
+as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
+The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
+the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in
+twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.
+
+ "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
+everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
+fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one --
+and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
+
+ "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
+
+ Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
+ -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar"
+%
+ THE WOMBAT
+
+The wombat lives across the seas,
+Among the far Antipodes.
+He may exist on nuts and berries,
+Or then again, on missionaries;
+His distant habitat precludes
+Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
+But I would not engage the wombat
+In any form of mortal combat.
+%
+ THEORY
+Into love and out again,
+ Thus I went and thus I go.
+Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
+ Well and bitterly I know
+All the songs were ever sung,
+ All the words were ever said;
+Could it be, when I was young,
+ Someone dropped me on my head?
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
+ There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
+someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
+Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
+Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
+every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
+this?
+ Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
+centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you
+can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
+forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
+-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
+even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
+why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
+ -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
+%
+ Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
+rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
+than he does.
+ As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
+it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
+sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
+consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is
+being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
+ The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can
+do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
+honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
+be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
+relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
+Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes.
+This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
+ -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
+ from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
+ and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
+%
+ To A Quick Young Fox:
+Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
+Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
+Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --
+Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
+ -- Lazy Dog
+%
+ "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past
+year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley
+reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their
+artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue
+moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon
+Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the
+entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the
+sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips."
+
+ "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
+
+ "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made
+good copy."
+ -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
+%
+ WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
+
+Firings will continue until morale improves.
+%
+ We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.
+But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle
+Haggard song at a French restaurant. ...
+ I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of
+her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I
+had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone
+told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was
+lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he
+fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing
+what men must do. ...
+ "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible
+sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew
+not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a
+quiet and peace I will never forget.
+ "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the
+tollway belle's for thee."
+ The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was
+a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I
+poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day.
+ -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
+ Competition
+%
+ "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty
+teenager asked her mother.
+ "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
+%
+ "What's that thing?"
+ "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
+computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
+it does. We call it a two-by-four."
+ -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
+%
+ When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
+clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer
+to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively.
+ In a way, the next move is up to him.
+ -- R. A. Lafferty
+%
+ "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
+airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
+deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
+when I was young!"
+ "Why, what did she tell you?"
+ "I don't know, I didn't listen!"
+ -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
+ YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF
+ PAPER SHUFFLING!
+
+Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
+a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel
+really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
+
+Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
+to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and
+make really big Zorkmids."
+
+MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
+you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
+
+ SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
+%
+ You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
+Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
+parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
+ -- Sherlock Holmes
+%
+ Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that
+bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a
+chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home
+electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit
+breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires
+until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can
+damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change
+your fuses regularly.
+ Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This
+sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more
+often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case
+you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not
+sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a
+fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed
+electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession,
+such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette
+table, etc.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
+ _
+ _ / \ o
+ / \ | | o o o
+ | | | | _ o o o o
+ | \_| | / \ o o o
+ \__ | | | o o
+ | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____
+ | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__
+ | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\
+ | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " )
+ | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >-----------
+ | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\
+ | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\
+ // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\
+ // ( ) / / \` \__ \\
+ //-------------------------------------------------------------\\
+
+Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
+start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
+then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
+music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
+%
+ n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
+ n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
+ n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
+ n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
+ n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
+
+ -- C code which reverses the bits in a word.
+%
+ n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1);
+ n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2);
+ n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4);
+ n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8);
+ n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16);
+
+ -- C code which counts the bits in a word.
+%
+" ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
+pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!"
+ -- Winston Churchill
+%
+... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
+have turned into a pile of dust.
+%
+... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
+was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+"... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known
+quotations."
+ -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
+%
+"... all the modern inconveniences ..."
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
+picturesque liar."
+ -- Mark Twain
+%
+... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
+%
+... And malt does more than Milton can
+To justify God's ways to man
+ -- A. E. Housman
+%
+"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
+your own."
+ -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
+ Preposterous Words
+%
+... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
+ -- J. B. White
+%
+... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
+%
+... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
+easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
+and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
+upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
+without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
+on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
+was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
+sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
+human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
+... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
+intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
+we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
+that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
+of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard
+example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
+makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
+whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
+finite or an infinite number.
+ -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
+%
+... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
+ -- Virginia Masters
+%
+... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this
+business, it probably would be gibberish.
+ -- Thom McLeod
+%
+ Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
+%
+... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
+and you would not have been informed.
+%
+" I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights
+instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is
+standing still ..."
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
+supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
+actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
+ Points in l'Amour"
+%
+... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
+the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
+asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a
+KOSHER DELI!!
+%
+... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
+smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is
+not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
+ -- Stephen Crane
+%
+... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
+legally ... impeccable!
+%
+... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
+Alley!!
+%
+... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to
+get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
+the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
+on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
+children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
+snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
+to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
+a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
+outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does
+he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
+Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks
+Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
+kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your
+children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
+quickly.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
+with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
+shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
+advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
+shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
+them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
+%
+"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
+lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
+their C programs."
+ -- Robert Firth
+%
+... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
+Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One
+thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If
+somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it
+on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what
+a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
+ -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
+%
+... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
+who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
+and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
+and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
+ -- Voltarine de Cleyre
+%
+... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
+procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
+to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
+sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
+documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
+listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
+documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
+under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
+effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
+scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
+in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
+thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
+then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
+dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all
+along.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
+%
+... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that
+consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune
+of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to
+listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.
+ -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+%
+"... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..."
+ -- Dave Barry
+%
+... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
+%
+... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
+other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
+charity we can only call "inhuman."
+ -- R. A. Lafferty
+%
+... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives
+as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as
+determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people
+buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s
+couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three
+weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available,
+they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent
+restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of
+excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going
+off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have
+a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli.
+ -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
+%
!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
%
(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
@@ -13,20 +1632,15 @@ Therefore, Alexander the Great had an infinite number of arms.
(2) Nothing is always.
(3) Everything is sometimes.
%
-1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
-the law!
-%
-10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
-%
-100 buckets of bits on the bus
+100 buckets of bits on the bus
100 buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
-FF buckets of bits on the bus
+FF buckets of bits on the bus
-FF buckets of bits on the bus
+FF buckets of bits on the bus
FF buckets of bits
Take one down, short it to ground
-FE buckets of bits on the bus
+FE buckets of bits on the bus
ad infinitum...
%
@@ -34,6 +1648,8 @@ $100 invested at 7% interest for 100 years will become $100,000, at
which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%
+10.0 times 0.1 is hardly ever 1.0.
+%
101 USES FOR A DEAD MICROPROCESSOR
(1) Scarecrow for centipedes
(2) Dead cat brush
@@ -50,6 +1666,9 @@ which time it will be worth absolutely nothing.
(100) Killer velcro
(101) Currency
%
+1.79 x 10^12 furlongs per fortnight -- it's not just a good idea, it's
+the law!
+%
186,282 miles per second:
It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
@@ -58,6 +1677,12 @@ It isn't just a good idea, it's the law!
What 20th Century U.S. President was almost impeached and what
office did he later hold?
%
+3 syncs represent the trinity - init, the child and the eternal zombie
+process. In doing 3, you're paying homage to each and I think such
+traditions are important in this shallow, mercurial business we find
+ourselves in.
+ -- Jordan K. Hubbard
+%
$3,000,000
%
"355/113 -- Not the famous irrational number PI, but an incredible
@@ -67,6 +1692,14 @@ simulation!"
Anything that can go wr
fortune: Segmentation violation -- Core dumped
%
+7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
+ The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
+ Redwood Forest.
+%
+7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
+ The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
+ Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
+%
77. HO HUM -- The Redundant
------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
@@ -83,14 +1716,6 @@ Six in the third place means:
In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue
Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
%
-7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
- The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National
- Redwood Forest.
-%
-7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure)
- The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the
- Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus.
-%
99 blocks of crud on the disk,
99 blocks of crud!
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
@@ -101,26 +1726,6 @@ You patch a bug, and dump it again:
You patch a bug, and dump it again:
101 blocks of crud on the disk! ...
%
-A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
-"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
- -- Mahatma Ghandi
-%
-A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
-Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific
-game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have
-traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there,
-preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
- -- Donald A. Metz
-%
-A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and
-placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or
-rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results
-from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball
-and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the
-ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical
-phenomena.
- -- Donald A. Metz
-%
A baby is an alimentary canal with a loud voice at one end and no
responsibility at the other.
%
@@ -145,9 +1750,6 @@ A bird in the hand is worth what it will bring.
%
A bird in the hand makes it awfully hard to blow your nose.
%
-... A booming voice says, "Wrong, cretin!", and you notice that you
-have turned into a pile of dust.
-%
A bore is someone who persists in holding his own views after we have
enlightened him with ours.
%
@@ -227,27 +1829,8 @@ coat.
A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that
you will look forward to the trip.
%
- A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was
-eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality
-test", said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
- Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into
-the toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
-%
A diva who specializes in risqu'e arias is an off-coloratura soprano ...
%
- A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing
-about whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their
-arguments, they got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon
-the doctor said, "The medical profession is clearly the oldest, because
-Eve was made from Adam's rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply
-incredible surgical feat."
- The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the
-Garden itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of
-that, the Garden and the world were created. So God must have been an
-architect."
- The computer scientist, who had listened to all of this said,
-"Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
-%
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
-- Ogden Nash
%
@@ -272,14 +1855,14 @@ subject.
%
A fool must now and then be right by chance.
%
-A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
-superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
- -- G. B. Shaw
-%
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an
elephant.
%
+A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
+superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
+%
A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
-- D. Gries
%
@@ -308,11 +1891,32 @@ But when a girl gives a boy a dead squid -- *____that ___had __to ___
A gleekzorp without a tornpee is like a quop without a fertsneet (sort
of).
%
+A [golf] ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree.
+Hitting a tree is simply bad luck and has no place in a scientific
+game. The player should estimate the distance the ball would have
+traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there,
+preferably atop a nice firm tuft of grass.
+ -- Donald A. Metz
+%
+A [golf] ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and
+placed in the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or
+rolled into the rough. Such veering right or left frequently results
+from friction between the face of the club and the cover of the ball
+and the player should not be penalized for the erratic behavior of the
+ball resulting from such uncontrollable physical
+phenomena.
+ -- Donald A. Metz
+%
A good question is never answered. It is not a bolt to be tightened
into place but a seed to be planted and to bear more seed toward the
hope of greening the landscape of idea.
-- John Ciardi
%
+A good sysadmin always carries around a few feet of fiber. If he ever
+gets lost, he simply drops the fiber on the ground, waits ten minutes,
+then asks the backhoe operator for directions.
+ -- Bill Bradford <mrbill@mrbill.net>
+%
A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely
rearranging their prejudices.
-- William James
@@ -349,10 +1953,6 @@ who has the better lawyer.
%
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
%
-A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
-%
-A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
-%
A lady with one of her ears applied
To an open keyhole heard, inside,
Two female gossips in converse free --
@@ -408,22 +2008,6 @@ A lot of people I know believe in positive thinking, and so do I. I
believe everything positively stinks.
-- Lew Col
%
- A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit. The
-first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
- "No problem," says the tailor. "Just bend them at the elbow
-and hold them out in front of you. See, now it's fine."
- "But the collar is up around my ears!"
- "It's nothing. Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
-little more ... that's it."
- "But I'm stepping on my cuffs!" the man cries in desperation.
- "Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack. There you
-go. Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
- So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
-street. Reba and Florence see him go by.
- "Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
- "Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
- -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
A man said to the Universe: "Sir, I exist!"
"However," replied the Universe, "the fact has not created in me a
@@ -432,24 +2016,6 @@ sense of obligation."
%
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small package.
%
- A master was explaining the nature of Tao to one of his
-novices. "The Tao is embodied in all software -- regardless of how
-insignificant," said the master.
-
- "Is Tao in a hand-held calculator?" asked the novice.
-
- "It is," came the reply.
-
- "Is the Tao in a video game?" continued the novice.
-
- "It is even in a video game," said the master.
-
- "And is the Tao in the DOS for a personal computer?"
-
- The master coughed and shifted his position slightly. "The
-lesson is over for today," he said.
- -- "The Tao of Programming"
-%
A mathematician is a machine for converting coffee into theorems.
%
A Mexican newspaper reports that bored Royal Air Force pilots stationed
@@ -464,13 +2030,24 @@ paper reports, "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
fall over gently onto their backs.
-- Audobon Society Magazine
-%
- A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
-the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
-pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
-nice," he replied, but don't you think it would be better if ..."
- "If what?" asked the composer.
- "If ... if you had died and MacDowell had written the elegy?"
+
+2001-02-02, from http://news.bbc.co.uk:
+
+For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS)
+monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as
+Lynx helicopters passed overhead.
+
+"Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over,"
+said team leader Dr Richard Stone.
+
+"As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped
+calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated
+with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct,
+really."
+
+The conclusion, said Dr Stone, is that flights over 305 metres
+(1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects"
+on king penguins.
%
A neighbor came to Nasrudin, asking to borrow his donkey. "It is out
on loan," the teacher replied. At that moment, the donkey brayed
@@ -502,17 +2079,9 @@ right to turn around and blow a Bronx cheer at them.
A New York City ordinance prohibits the shooting of rabbits from the
rear of a Third Avenue street car -- if the car is in motion.
%
- A novel approach is to remove all power from the system, which
-removes most system overhead so that resources can be fully devoted to
-doing nothing. Benchmarks on this technique are promising; tremendous
-amounts of nothing can be produced in this manner. Certain hardware
-limitations can limit the speed of this method, especially in the
-larger systems which require a more involved & less efficient
-power-down sequence.
- An alternate approach is to pull the main breaker for the
-building, which seems to provide even more nothing, but in truth has
-bugs in it, since it usually inhibits the systems which keep the beer
-cool.
+A "No" uttered from deepest conviction is better and greater than a
+"Yes" merely uttered to please, or what is worse, to avoid trouble.
+ -- Mahatma Ghandi
%
A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power
off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly:
@@ -534,7 +2103,7 @@ A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.
%
A pig is a jolly companion,
Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
-A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
+A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
Though mountains may topple and tilt.
When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
@@ -543,25 +2112,6 @@ You'll never go wrong with a pig, a pig,
You'll never go wrong with a pig!
-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
%
- A Plan for the Improvement of English Spelling
- by Mark Twain
-
- For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped
-to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer
-be part of the alphabet. The only kase in which "c" would be retained
-would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later. Year 2
-might reform "w" spelling, so that "which" and "one" would take the
-same konsonant, wile Year 3 might well abolish "y" replasing it with
-"i" and Iear 4 might fiks the "g/j" anomali wonse and for all.
- Jenerally, then, the improvement would kontinue iear bai iear
-with Iear 5 doing awai with useless double konsonants, and Iears 6-12
-or so modifaiing vowlz and the rimeining voist and unvoist konsonants.
-Bai Iear 15 or sou, it wud fainali bi posibl tu meik ius ov thi
-ridandant letez "c", "y" and "x" -- bai now jast a memori in the maindz
-ov ould doderez -- tu riplais "ch", "sh", and "th" rispektivli.
- Fainali, xen, aafte sam 20 iers ov orxogrefkl riform, wi wud
-hev a lojikl, kohirnt speling in ius xrewawt xe Ingliy-spiking werld.
-%
"A power so great, it can only be used for Good or Evil!"
-- Firesign Theatre, "The Giant Rat of Summatra"
%
@@ -585,13 +2135,6 @@ That's all right, said the priest. I wanted to know what Freight was
too.
-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
- A priest was walking along the cliffs at Dover when he came
-upon two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope.
-"That's what I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow
-man".
- As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
-he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
-%
A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
%
"A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis
@@ -666,29 +2209,9 @@ keep him from the commission of all sins, or nearly all, save those
that are worth committing.
-- Samuel Butler
%
- A Severe Strain on the Credulity
-
-As a method of sending a missile to the higher, and even to the highest
-parts of the earth's atmospheric envelope, Professor Goddard's rocket
-is a practicable and therefore promising device. It is when one
-considers the multiple-charge rocket as a traveler to the moon that one
-begins to doubt ... for after the rocket quits our air and really
-starts on its journey, its flight would be neither accelerated nor
-maintained by the explosion of the charges it then might have left.
-Professor Goddard, with his "chair" in Clark College and countenancing
-of the Smithsonian Institution, does not know the relation of action to
-re-action, and of the need to have something better than a vacuum
-against which to react ... Of course he only seems to lack the
-knowledge ladled out daily in high schools.
- -- New York Times Editorial, 1920
-%
A sine curve goes off to infinity or at least the end of the blackboard
-- Prof. Steiner
%
-... A solemn, unsmiling, sanctimonious old iceberg who looked like he
-was waiting for a vacancy in the Trinity.
- -- Mark Twain
-%
A straw vote only shows which way the hot air blows.
-- O'Henry
%
@@ -696,19 +2219,25 @@ A strong conviction that something must be done is the parent of many
bad measures.
-- Daniel Webster
%
-A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
-exam.
-%
A student, in hopes of understanding the Lambda-nature, came to
Greenblatt. As they spoke a Multics system hacker walked by. "Is it
true," asked the student, "that PL-1 has many of the same data types as
Lisp?" Almost before the student had finished his question, Greenblatt
shouted, "FOO!", and hit the student with a stick.
%
+A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an
+exam.
+%
A successful [software] tool is one that was used to do something
undreamed of by its author.
-- S. C. Johnson
%
+A system admin's life is a sorry one. The only advantage he has over
+Emergency Room doctors is that malpractice suits are rare. On the
+other hand, ER doctors never have to deal with patients installing
+new versions of their own innards!
+ -- Michael O'Brien
+%
A tautology is a thing which is tautological.
%
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
@@ -749,12 +2278,12 @@ And that's not saying much for the turtle.
A well adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without
getting nervous.
%
-A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
-people's attention.
-%
"A witty saying proves nothing."
-- Voltaire
%
+A witty saying proves nothing, but saying something pointless gets
+people's attention.
+%
"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to
admit, let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact
remains that there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one
@@ -847,14 +2376,6 @@ Accordion, n.:
Accuracy, n.:
The vice of being right
%
- ACHTUNG!!!
-
-Das machine is nicht fur gefingerpoken und mittengrabben. Ist easy
-schnappen der springenwerk, blowenfusen und corkenpoppen mit
-spitzensparken. Ist nicht fur gewerken by das dummkopfen. Das
-rubbernecken sightseeren keepen hands in das pockets. Relaxen und
-vatch das blinkenlights!!!
-%
Acid -- better living through chemistry.
%
Acid absorbs 47 times it's weight in excess Reality.
@@ -907,22 +2428,7 @@ way of selling goods, particularly if the goods are worthless.
-- Sinclair Lewis
%
Advice to young men: Be ascetic, and if you can't be ascetic,
-then at least be asceptic.
-%
-After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose
-names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary
-Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted
-many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi
-Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two
-different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current
-developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer
-attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led
-to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today,
-skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously
-injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it
-hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
-that it sinks like a stone.
- -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
+then at least be aseptic.
%
After a few boring years, socially meaningful rock 'n' roll died out.
It was replaced by disco, which offers no guidance to any form of life
@@ -932,10 +2438,6 @@ more advanced than the lichen family.
%
After a number of decimal places, nobody gives a damn.
%
-"... After all, all he did was string together a lot of old, well-known
-quotations."
- -- H. L. Mencken, on Shakespeare
-%
After all, what is your hosts' purpose in having a party? Surely not
for you to enjoy yourself; if that were their sole purpose, they'd have
simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
@@ -944,18 +2446,20 @@ simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
After an instrument has been assembled, extra components will be found
on the bench.
%
- After his Ignoble Disgrace, Satan was being expelled from
-Heaven. As he passed through the Gates, he paused a moment in thought,
-and turned to God and said, "A new creature called Man, I hear, is soon
-to be created."
- "This is true," He replied.
- "He will need laws," said the Demon slyly.
- "What! You, his appointed Enemy for all Time! You ask for the
-right to make his laws?"
- "Oh, no!" Satan replied, "I ask only that he be allowed to
-make his own."
- It was so granted.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+After [Benjamin] Franklin came a herd of Electrical Pioneers whose
+names have become part of our electrical terminology: Myron Volt, Mary
+Louise Amp, James Watt, Bob Transformer, etc. These pioneers conducted
+many important electrical experiments. For example, in 1780 Luigi
+Galvani discovered (this is the truth) that when he attached two
+different kinds of metal to the leg of a frog, an electrical current
+developed and the frog's leg kicked, even though it was no longer
+attached to the frog, which was dead anyway. Galvani's discovery led
+to enormous advances in the field of amphibian medicine. Today,
+skilled veterinary surgeons can take a frog that has been seriously
+injured or killed, implant pieces of metal in its muscles, and watch it
+hop back into the pond just like a normal frog, except for the fact
+that it sinks like a stone.
+ -- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%
"After I asked him what he meant, he replied that freedom consisted of
the unimpeded right to get rich, to use his ability, no matter what the
@@ -971,13 +2475,13 @@ After the last of 16 mounting screws has been removed from an access
cover, it will be discovered that the wrong access cover has been
removed.
%
-Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a
-change.
-%
Afternoon, n.:
That part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the
morning.
%
+Afternoon very favorable for romance. Try a single person for a
+change.
+%
Age before beauty; and pearls before swine.
-- Dorothy Parker
%
@@ -987,9 +2491,7 @@ still cherish by reviling those that we no longer have the enterprise
to commit.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
-Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
-%
-Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
+Ah, but the choice of dreams to live,
there's the rub.
For all dreams are not equal,
@@ -998,6 +2500,8 @@ most end with the dreamer
But at least one must be lived ... and died.
%
+Ah say, son, you're about as sharp as a bowlin' ball.
+%
"Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
@@ -1036,12 +2540,6 @@ Alimony is a system by which, when two people make a mistake, one of
them keeps paying for it.
-- Peggy Joyce
%
-All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
-upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
-visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
-informing, stimulating and ennobling.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
All bridge hands are equally likely, but some are more equally likely
than others.
-- Alan Truscott
@@ -1110,9 +2608,6 @@ decision: "Where else are you going to read the paper? Outside? What
if it rains?"
-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
%
-"... all the modern inconveniences ..."
- -- Mark Twain
-%
All the passions make us commit faults; love makes us commit the most
ridiculous ones.
-- La Rochefoucauld
@@ -1151,6 +2646,12 @@ infinitely more to the human race than to the particular country in
which he was born.
-- Francois Fenelon
%
+All [zoos] actually offer to the public in return for the taxes spent
+upon them is a form of idle and witless amusement, compared to which a
+visit to a penitentiary, or even to a State legislature in session, is
+informing, stimulating and ennobling.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
Alliance, n.:
In international politics, the union of two thieves who have
their hands so deeply inserted in each other's pocket that they cannot
@@ -1202,16 +2703,6 @@ that way."
%
Am I ranting? I hope so. My ranting gets raves.
%
- AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
-
-If all the salmon caught in Canada in one year were laid end to end
-across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
-%
- AMAZING BUT TRUE ...
-
-There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it were spread out it
-would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
-%
Ambidextrous, adj.:
Able to pick with equal skill a right-hand pocket or a left.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
@@ -1251,24 +2742,6 @@ not new Tide with lemon-fresh Borax."
%
An apple every eight hours will keep three doctors away.
%
- An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He
-knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with
-great restraint.
- As he designs the first work, frill after frill and
-embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get stored away
-to be used "next time". Sooner or later the first system is finished,
-and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated mastery of
-that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.
- This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.
-When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will
-confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems,
-and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that
-are particular and not generalizable.
- The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using
-all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first
-one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
- -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
-%
An artist should be fit for the best society and keep out of it.
%
An attorney was defending his client against a charge of first-degree
@@ -1315,10 +2788,6 @@ they'll see his Rolex Hyperion. Hahahahahahahahaha."
%
An exotic journey in downtown Newark is in your future.
%
-"... an experienced, industrious, ambitious, and often quite often
-picturesque liar."
- -- Mark Twain
-%
An idea is an eye given by God for the seeing of God. Some of these
eyes we cannot bear to look out of, we blind them as quickly as
possible.
@@ -1326,16 +2795,6 @@ possible.
%
An idea is not responsible for the people who believe in it.
%
- An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
-in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
- "Well, zayda, it's sort of like this. Einstein says that if
-you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
-an hour. But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
-hour seems like a minute."
- The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
-moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
- -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
"An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of purge."
%
Anarchy may not be the best form of government, but it's better than no
@@ -1352,25 +2811,14 @@ That others may know
-- Tibetan "Book of the Dead," ca. 4000 BC.
%
-... and furthermore ... I don't like your trousers.
-%
And I heard Jeff exclaim,
As they strolled out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all --
You take credit cards, right?"
-- "Outsiders" comic
%
-... And malt does more than Milton can
-To justify God's ways to man
- -- A. E. Housman
-%
And on the seventh day, He exited from append mode.
%
-"... And remember: if you don't like the news, go out and make some of
-your own."
- -- "Scoop" Nisker, KFOG radio reporter
- Preposterous Words
-%
And so, men, we can see that human skin is an even more complex and
fascinating organ than we thought it was, and if we want to keep it
looking good, we have to care for it as though it were our own. One
@@ -1393,10 +2841,6 @@ ma'am, are as advanced in design as one will find anywhere in the
world.
-- Michael Frayn, "The Tin Men"
%
- "And what will you do when you grow up to be as big as me?"
-asked the father of his little son.
- "Diet."
-%
And yet, seasons must be taken with a grain of salt, for they too have
a sense of humor, as does history. Corn stalks comedy, comedy stalks
tragedy, and this too is historic. And yet, still, when corn meets
@@ -1419,21 +2863,6 @@ Anoint, v.:
sufficiently slippery.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
- Another Glitch in the Call
- ------- ------ -- --- ----
- (Sung to the tune of a recent Pink Floyd song.)
-
-We don't need no indirection
-We don't need no flow control
-No data typing or declarations
-Did you leave the lists alone?
-
- Hey! Hacker! Leave those lists alone!
-
-Chorus:
- All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
- All in all, it's just a pure-LISP function call.
-%
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
%
Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but
@@ -1443,19 +2872,6 @@ offers whiter teeth *___and* fresher breath.
-- Dave Barry, "Kids Today: They Don't Know Dum Diddly
Do"
%
- Answers to Last Fortune's Questions:
-
-(1) None. (Moses didn't have an ark).
-(2) Your mother, by the pigeonhole principle.
-(3) I don't know.
-(4) Who cares?
-(5) 6 (or maybe 4, or else 3). Mr. Alfred J. Duncan of Podunk,
- Montana, submitted an interesting solution to Problem 5.
-(6) There is an interesting solution to this problem on page 1029 of my
- book, which you can pick up for $23.95 at finer bookstores and
- bathroom supply outlets (or 99 cents at the table in front of
- Papyrus Books).
-%
Anthony's Law of Force:
Don't force it; get a larger hammer.
%
@@ -1470,9 +2886,6 @@ Corollary:
Antonym, n.:
The opposite of the word you're trying to think of.
%
-Any clod can have the facts, but having an opinion is an art.
- -- Charles McCabe
-%
Any clod can have the facts, but having opinions is an art.
-- Charles McCabe
%
@@ -1562,10 +2975,6 @@ tried taking candy from a baby.
%
Anything free is worth what you pay for it.
%
-Anything is good and useful if it's made of chocolate.
-%
-Anything is good if it's made of chocolate.
-%
Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label means the
price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY NEW", or "GREAT NEW"
means the price went way up.
@@ -1610,8 +3019,6 @@ ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE --
%
Are you a turtle?
%
-Are you a turtle?
-%
"Arguments with furniture are rarely productive."
-- Kehlog Albran, "The Profit"
%
@@ -1769,11 +3176,11 @@ Ask five economists and you'll get five different explanations (six if
one went to Harvard).
-- Edgar R. Fiedler
%
-Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
-%
Ask Not for whom the Bell Tolls, and You will Pay only the
Station-to-Station rate.
%
+Ask not for whom the <CONTROL-G> tolls.
+%
Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in the
bathtub, it tolls for thee.
%
@@ -1804,17 +3211,29 @@ not. But obviously it cannot be where it is not. And if it is where
it is, that is equivalent to saying that it is at rest.
-- Zeno's paradox of the moving (still?) arrow
%
-At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
-challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
- -- The Washington Post Magazine, 9 June, 1985
+At first, I just did it on weekends. With a few friends, you know...
+We never wanted to hurt anyone. The girls loved it. We'd all sit
+around the computer and do a little UNIX. It was just a kick. At
+least that's what we thought. Then it got worse.
+
+It got so I'd have to do some UNIX during the weekdays. After a
+while, I couldn't even wake up in the morning without having that
+crave to go do UNIX. Then it started affecting my job. I would just
+have to do it during my break. Maybe a `grep' or two, maybe a little
+`more'. I eventually started doing UNIX just to get through the day.
+Of course, it screwed up my mind so much that I couldn't even
+function as a normal person.
+
+I'm lucky today, I've overcome my UNIX problem. It wasn't easy. If
+you're smart, just don't start. Remember, if any weirdo offers you
+some UNIX,
+
+ Just Say No!
%
At Group L, Stoffel oversees six first-rate programmers, a managerial
challenge roughly comparable to herding cats.
-- The Washington Post Magazine, June 9, 1985
%
-... at least I thought I was dancing, 'til somebody stepped on my hand.
- -- J. B. White
-%
"At least they're ___________EXPERIENCED incompetents"
%
At no time is freedom of speech more precious than when a man hits his
@@ -1946,23 +3365,6 @@ They have no time for birth controls
And that is why in times like these
There are so many Sons of Bees.
%
- Before he became a hermit, Zarathud was a young Priest, and
-took great delight in making fools of his opponents in front of his
-followers.
- One day Zarathud took his students to a pleasant pasture and
-there he confronted The Sacred Chao while She was contentedly grazing.
- "Tell me, you dumb beast," demanded the Priest in his
-commanding voice, "why don't you do something worthwhile? What is your
-Purpose in Life, anyway?"
- Munching the tasty grass, The Sacred Chao replied "MU". (The
-Chinese ideogram for NO-THING.)
- Upon hearing this, absolutely nobody was enlightened.
- Primarily because nobody understood Chinese.
- -- Camden Benares, "Zen Without Zen Masters"
-%
-Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's
-ego.
-%
Begathon, n.:
A multi-day event on public television, used to raise money so
you won't have to watch commercials.
@@ -1978,8 +3380,6 @@ looking and richer male friend.
%
"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
%
-"Being disintegrated makes me ve-ry an-gry!" <huff, huff>
-%
Bell Labs Unix -- Reach out and grep someone.
%
Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
@@ -1990,6 +3390,10 @@ Bennett's Laws of Horticulture:
"Benson, you are so free of the ravages of intelligence"
-- Time Bandits
%
+Berkeley had what we called "copycenter," which is "take it down
+to the copy center and make as many copies as you want."
+ -- Kirk McKusick
+%
Besides the device, the box should contain:
* Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
@@ -2011,13 +3415,15 @@ WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret.
%
Best of all is never to have been born. Second best is to die soon.
%
+Better dead than mellow.
+%
better !pout !cry
better watchout
lpr why
santa claus <north pole >town
cat /etc/passwd >list
-ncheck list
+ncheck list
ncheck list
cat list | grep naughty >nogiftlist
cat list | grep nice >giftlist
@@ -2030,8 +3436,6 @@ for (goodness sake) {
be good
}
%
-Better dead than mellow.
-%
Between 1950 and 1952, a bored weatherman, stationed north of Hudson
Bay, left a monument that neither government nor time can eradicate.
Using a bulldozer abandoned by the Air Force, he spent two years and
@@ -2091,8 +3495,6 @@ Bizoos, n.:
basketball.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
-... bleakness ... desolation ... plastic forks ...
-%
Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt.
%
Blessed are they who Go Around in Circles, for they Shall be Known as
@@ -2124,7 +3526,7 @@ vividly manifests their lack of progress.
Bombeck's Rule of Medicine:
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
%
-BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!
+BOO! We changed Coke again! BLEAH! BLEAH!
%
Boob's Law:
You always find something in the last place you look.
@@ -2148,16 +3550,16 @@ the words "boss" and "botch" were largely synonymous, except that boss,
in addition to meaning "a supervisor of workers" also meant "an
ornamental stud."
%
+Boston, n.:
+ Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
+finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
+%
Boston State House is the hub of the Solar System. You couldn't pry
that out of a Boston man if you had the tire of all creation
straightened out for a crowbar.
-- O. W. Holmes
%
-Boston, n.:
- Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
-finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
-%
-"Boy, life takes a long time to live
+Boy, life takes a long time to live
-- Steven Wright
%
Boy, n.:
@@ -2227,14 +3629,25 @@ in relation to their environment and to their own physiology: when
this occurs, they are an endangered species.
-- Thomas K. Connellan
%
-Brook's Law:
- Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
-%
Brooke's Law:
Whenever a system becomes completely defined, some damn fool
discovers something which either abolishes the system or expands it
beyond recognition.
%
+Brooks's Law:
+ Adding manpower to a late software project makes it later
+%
+Brucify, v:
+ 1: Kill by nailing onto style(9); "David O'Brien was brucified"
+ 2: Annoy constantly by reminding of potential improvements
+ [syn: {torment}, {rag}, {tantalize}, {bedevil}, {dun},
+ {frustrate}]
+ 3: Fix problems that were indicated in an earlier brucification
+ (of one of the two other meanings).
+The word 'brucify' originally comes from the style-reviews of Bruce
+Evans of the FreeBSD project, but is now also sometimes used for
+reviews just done in his spirit.
+%
Bubble Memory, n.:
A derogatory term, usually referring to a person's
intelligence. See also "vacuum tube".
@@ -2283,33 +3696,11 @@ Burn's Hog Weighing Method:
(4) Carefully guess the weight of the rocks.
-- Robert Burns
%
-... But as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can
-easily be proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed
-and were a scourge to mankind. The evidence (including confession)
-upon which certain women were convicted of witchcraft and executed was
-without a flaw; it is still unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based
-on it were sound in logic and in law. Nothing in any existing court
-was ever more thoroughly proved than the charges of witchcraft and
-sorcery for which so many suffered death. If there were no witches,
-human testimony and human reason are alike destitute of value.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
"But don't you worry, its for a cause -- feeding global corporations
paws."
%
"But I don't like Spam!!!!"
%
-... But if we laugh with derision, we will never understand. Human
-intellectual capacity has not altered for thousands of years so far as
-we can tell. If intelligent people invested intense energy in issues
-that now seem foolish to us, then the failure lies in our understanding
-of their world, not in their distorted perceptions. Even the standard
-example of ancient nonsense -- the debate about angels on pinheads --
-makes sense once you realize that theologians were not discussing
-whether five or eighteen would fit, but whether a pin could house a
-finite or an infinite number.
- -- S. J. Gould, "Wide Hats and Narrow Minds"
-%
But in our enthusiasm, we could not resist a radical overhaul of the
system, in which all of its major weaknesses have been exposed,
analyzed, and replaced with new weaknesses.
@@ -2358,9 +3749,6 @@ kludge, after all, but not enough Ks, not enough ROMs, not enough RAMs,
poor quality interface and too few bytes to go around? Have I
explained yet about the bytes?"
%
-... But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
- -- Virginia Masters
-%
"But what we need to know is, do people want nasally-insertable
computers?"
%
@@ -2568,13 +3956,6 @@ Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny--
Did you ever try buying them without money?
-- Ogden Nash
%
- Chapter 1
-
-The story so far:
-
- In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made a lot
-of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
-%
Character Density, n.:
The number of very weird people in the office.
%
@@ -2594,6 +3975,9 @@ Chemistry is applied theology.
%
Chicago law prohibits eating in a place that is on fire.
%
+Chicago, n.:
+ Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
+%
Chicago Transit Authority Rider's Rule #36:
Never ever ask the tough looking gentleman wearing El Rukn
headgear where he got his "pyramid powered pizza warmer".
@@ -2605,9 +3989,6 @@ for overheated passengers. When your timer pops up, the driver will
cheerfully baste you.
-- Chicago Reader 5/28/82
%
-Chicago, n.:
- Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
-%
Chicken Little only has to be right once.
%
Chicken Little was right.
@@ -2675,10 +4056,10 @@ shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
%
Cleanliness is next to impossible.
%
-Cleveland still lives. God ____must be dead.
-%
"Cleveland? Yes, I spent a week there one day."
%
+Cleveland still lives. God ____must be dead.
+%
Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery.
%
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on
@@ -2696,7 +4077,7 @@ Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum --
"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."
-- Blair Houghton
%
-Coincidence, n.:
+Coincidence, n.:
You weren't paying attention to the other half of what was
going on.
%
@@ -2748,18 +4129,15 @@ Command, n.:
Statement presented by a human and accepted by a computer in
such a manner as to make the human feel as if he is in control.
%
- COMMENT
-
-Oh, life is a glorious cycle of song,
-A medley of extemporanea;
-And love is thing that can never go wrong;
-And I am Marie of Roumania.
- -- Dorothy Parker
-%
Commitment, n.:
Commitment can be illustrated by a breakfast of ham and eggs.
The chicken was involved, the pig was committed.
%
+Committee, n.:
+ A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
+decide that nothing can be done.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%
Committee Rules:
(1) Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
(2) Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this
@@ -2770,11 +4148,6 @@ Committee Rules:
(5) Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you
popular -- it's what everyone is waiting for.
%
-Committee, n.:
- A group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group
-decide that nothing can be done.
- -- Fred Allen
-%
Committees have become so important nowadays that subcommittees have to
be appointed to do the work.
%
@@ -2815,10 +4188,6 @@ Concept, n.:
Any "idea" for which an outside consultant billed you more than
$25,000.
%
-... [concerning quotation marks] even if we *___did* quote anybody in this
-business, it probably would be gibberish.
- -- Thom McLeod
-%
Condense soup, not books!
%
Confession is good for the soul only in the sense that a tweed coat is
@@ -2934,11 +4303,6 @@ eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
-- Johnny Hart
%
-"Cutting the space budget really restores my faith in humanity. It
-eliminates dreams, goals, and ideals and lets us get straight to the
-business of hate, debauchery, and self-annihilation."
- -- Johnny Hart
-%
Cynic, n.:
A blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are, not
as they ought to be. Hence the custom among the Scythians of plucking
@@ -2963,8 +4327,8 @@ Dawn, n.:
%
Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
%
-%DCL-MEM-BAD, bad memory
-VMS-F-PDGERS, pudding between the ears
+%DCL-E-MEMBAD, bad memory
+-SYSTEM-F-VMSPDGERS, pudding between the ears
%
Dealing with failure is easy: work hard to improve. Success is also
easy to handle: you've solved the wrong problem. Work hard to
@@ -3049,19 +4413,6 @@ addressing contestants (unless struck by a boomerang).
-- Mudgeeraba Creek Emu-Riding and Boomerang-Throwing
Assoc.
%
- Deck Us All With Boston Charlie
-
-Deck us all with Boston Charlie,
-Walla Walla, Wash., an' Kalamazoo!
-Nora's freezin' on the trolley,
-Swaller dollar cauliflower, alleygaroo!
-
-Don't we know archaic barrel,
-Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville Lou.
-Trolley Molly don't love Harold,
-Boola boola Pensacoola hullabaloo!
- -- Walt Kelly
-%
"Deep" is a word like "theory" or "semantic" -- it implies all sorts of
marvelous things. It's one thing to be able to say "I've got a
theory", quite another to say "I've got a semantic theory", but, ah,
@@ -3082,12 +4433,10 @@ come of nothing: speak again." -- King Lear.
-- really weird C code to count the number of bits in a word
%
- DELETE A FORTUNE!
+Definitions of hardware and software for dummies:
-Don't some of these fortunes just drive you nuts?! Wouldn't you like
-to see some of them deleted from the system? You can! Just mail to
-"fortune" with the fortune you hate most, and we MIGHT make sure it
-gets expunged.
+ Hardware is what you kick;
+ Software is what you curse.
%
Deliberation, n.:
The act of examining one's bread to determine which side it is
@@ -3109,7 +4458,7 @@ aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
%
Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
- -- G. B. Shaw
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
%
Democracy is a government where you can say what you think even if you
don't think.
@@ -3156,44 +4505,22 @@ be the last thing your guests remember before they pass out all over
the table.
-- The Anarchist Cookbook
%
- DETERIORATA
-
-Go placidly amid the noise and waste,
-And remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof.
-Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep.
-Rotate your tires.
-Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself,
-And heed well their advice -- even though they be turkeys.
-Know what to kiss -- and when.
-Remember that two wrongs never make a right,
-But that three do.
-Wherever possible, put people on "HOLD".
-Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment,
-And despite the changing fortunes of time,
-There is always a big future in computer maintenance.
-
- You are a fluke of the universe ...
- You have no right to be here.
- Whether you can hear it or not, the universe
- Is laughing behind your back.
- -- National Lampoon
-%
DeVries's Dilemma:
If you hit two keys on the typewriter, the one you don't want
hits the paper.
%
Did I say 2? I lied.
%
-Did you know ...
-
-That no-one ever reads these things?
-%
Did you know that clones never use mirrors?
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Did you know that if you took all the economists in the world and lined
them up end to end, they'd still point in the wrong direction?
%
+Did you know ...
+
+That no-one ever reads these things?
+%
Did you know that the voice tapes easily identify the Russian pilot
that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states:
@@ -3202,14 +4529,14 @@ that shot down the Korean jet? At one point he definitely states:
-- ihuxw!tommyo
%
-Die, v.:
- To stop sinning suddenly.
- -- Elbert Hubbard
-%
"Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a
conventional thing to happen to him."
-- John Barrymore's dying words
%
+Die, v.:
+ To stop sinning suddenly.
+ -- Elbert Hubbard
+%
Different all twisty a of in maze are you, passages little.
%
Dimensions will always be expressed in the least usable term.
@@ -3219,10 +4546,6 @@ Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
%
Disc space -- the final frontier!
%
-Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
-yours too."
- -- Dave Haynie
-%
Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the above views and those of my
employer, my terminal, or the view out my window are purely
coincidental. Any resemblance between the above and my own views is
@@ -3232,6 +4555,10 @@ The question of the existence of the reader is left as an exercise for
the second god coefficient. (A discussion of non-orthogonal,
non-integral polytheism is beyond the scope of this article.)
%
+Disclaimer: "These opinions are my own, though for a small fee they be
+yours too."
+ -- Dave Haynie
+%
Disco is to music what Etch-A-Sketch is to art.
%
Distinctive, adj.:
@@ -3292,6 +4619,16 @@ be good because the programmers hate it so much.
%
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
%
+Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she
+ pretty?
+W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
+ bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to
+ sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
+Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
+W. C.: It's almost impossible.
+ -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson
+ E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
+%
Don't abandon hope: your Tom Mix decoder ring arrives tomorrow.
%
Don't be humble ... you're not that great.
@@ -3389,35 +4726,6 @@ busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
%
Don't you feel more like you do now than you did when you came in?
%
-Don: I didn't know you had a cousin Penelope, Bill! Was she
- pretty?
-W. C.: Well, her face was so wrinkled it looked like seven miles of
- bad road. She had so many gold teeth, Don, she use to have to
- sleep with her head in a safe. She died in Bolivia.
-Don: Oh Bill, it must be hard to lose a relative.
-W. C.: It's almost impossible.
- -- W. C. Fields, from "The Further Adventures of Larson
- E. Whipsnade and other Tarradiddles"
-%
- Double Bucky
- (Sung to the tune of "Rubber Duckie")
-
-Double bucky, you're the one!
-You make my keyboard lots of fun
- Double bucky, an additional bit or two:
-(Vo-vo-de-o!)
-Control and Meta side by side,
-Augmented ASCII, nine bits wide!
- Double bucky, a half a thousand glyphs, plus a few!
-
-Double bucky, left and right
-OR'd together, outta sight!
- Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of
- Double bucky, I'm happy I heard of
- Double bucky, I'd like a whole word of you!
-
- -- (C) 1978 by Guy L. Steele, Jr.
-%
Double-Blind Experiment, n.:
An experiment in which the chief researcher believes he is
fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied by a
@@ -3458,13 +4766,6 @@ and captain of your soul.
Due to lack of disk space, this fortune database has been
discontinued.
%
- During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen
-were blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a
-red-faced country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted,
-"Hey, you almost hit my wife."
- "Did I?" cried the hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a
-shot at mine, over there."
-%
During the next two hours, the system will be going up and down several
times, often with lin~po_~{po ~poz~ppo\~{ o n~po_~{o[po ~y oodsou>#w4k**n~po_~{ol;lkld;f;g;dd;po\~{o
%
@@ -3495,8 +4796,6 @@ the plastic underneath -- black. According to the instructions, this
means the puzzle is solved.
-- Steve Rubenstein
%
- Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.
-%
"Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow you may work."
%
Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists.
@@ -3565,20 +4864,6 @@ All the lonely users, why does it take so long?
%
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
%
- Electricity is actually made up of extremely tiny particles,
-called electrons, that you cannot see with the naked eye unless you
-have been drinking. Electrons travel at the speed of light, which in
-most American homes is 110 volts per hour. This is very fast. In the
-time it has taken you to read this sentence so far, an electron could
-have traveled all the way from San Francisco to Hackensack, New Jersey,
-although God alone knows why it would want to.
- The five main kinds of electricity are alternating current,
-direct current, lightning, static, and European. Most American homes
-have alternating current, which means that the electricity goes in one
-direction for a while, then goes in the other direction. This prevents
-harmful electron buildup in the wires.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
Electrocution, n.:
Burning at the stake with all the modern improvements.
%
@@ -3615,7 +4900,7 @@ Es brilig war. Die schlichte Toven
Wirrten und wimmelten in Waben;
Und aller-m"umsige Burggoven
Dir mohmen R"ath ausgraben.
- -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
-- Woody Allen
@@ -3760,6 +5045,11 @@ Everything is worth precisely as much as a belch, the difference being
that a belch is more satisfying.
-- Ingmar Bergman
%
+Everything journalists write is true, except when they write about
+something you know.
+ -- Dag-Erling Smorgrav,
+ June 1999, FreeBSD-Stable Mailing List
+%
Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
%
Everything you know is wrong!
@@ -3771,14 +5061,6 @@ There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no
straight lines.
-- R. Buckminster Fuller
%
- Excellence is THE trend of the '80s. Walk into any shopping
-mall bookstore, go to the rack where they keep the best-sellers such as
-"Garfield Gets Spayed", and you'll see a half-dozen books telling you
-how to be excellent: "In Search of Excellence", "Finding Excellence",
-"Grasping Hold of Excellence", "Where to Hide Your Excellence at Night
-So the Cleaning Personnel Don't Steal It", etc.
- -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
-%
Excellent day for drinking heavily. Spike office water cooler.
%
Excellent day for putting Slinkies on an escalator.
@@ -3841,18 +5123,18 @@ disqualified], and mail to: CVP, Box 1320, Westbury, NY 11595. Print
this address correctly. Comply with above instructions carefully and
completely or you may be disqualified from receiving your prize.
%
-F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
-%
-f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
-%
-f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
-%
F: When into a room I plunge, I
Sometimes find some VIOLET FUNGI.
Then I linger, darkly brooding
On the poison they're exuding.
-- The Roguelet's ABC
%
+f u cn rd ths, itn tyg h myxbl cd.
+%
+f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng.
+%
+F u cn rd ths u cnt spl wrth a dm!
+%
Facts are stubborn, but statistics are more pliable.
%
Fairy Tale, n.:
@@ -3882,13 +5164,11 @@ Then he will crown a tranquil life
By becoming a Cabinet Minister
-- Su Tung-p'o
%
-Famous last words:
+Famous, adj.:
+ Conspicuously miserable.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce
%
Famous last words:
- (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
- (2) "You and what army?"
- (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
- a cop."
%
Famous last words:
(1) Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix.
@@ -3899,9 +5179,11 @@ Famous last words:
(6) Don't worry, it's not loaded.
(7) They'd never (be stupid enough to) make him a manager.
%
-Famous, adj.:
- Conspicuously miserable.
- -- Ambrose Bierce
+Famous last words:
+ (1) "Don't worry, I can handle it."
+ (2) "You and what army?"
+ (3) "If you were as smart as you think you are, you wouldn't be
+ a cop."
%
Far out in the uncharted backwaters of the unfashionable end of the
Western Spiral arm of the Galaxy lies a small unregarded yellow sun.
@@ -3922,27 +5204,6 @@ Feel disillusioned? I've got some great new illusions ...
Fertility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have any children,
neither will you.
%
- Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each
-other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around
-the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors
-d'oeuvres.
- Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes
-to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your
-Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright
-piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres.
- Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with
-inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down
-other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and
-placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when
-the little hammers strike.
- Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over
-their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning
-Christmas tree. The piano is missing.
-
- You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless
-you rent your home and own Firearms, in which case you can go to level
-4. The best way to get to level 3 is egg-nog.
-%
Fifth Law of Applied Terror:
If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book.
@@ -3959,22 +5220,6 @@ Walked by on flippered feet
And with their slime they made the time
Unnaturally fleet.
%
- FIGHTING WORDS
-
-Say my love is easy had,
- Say I'm bitten raw with pride,
-Say I am too often sad --
- Still behold me at your side.
-
-Say I'm neither brave nor young,
- Say I woo and coddle care,
-Say the devil touched my tongue --
- Still you have my heart to wear.
-
-But say my verses do not scan,
- And I get me another man!
- -- Dorothy Parker
-%
Fights between cats and dogs are prohibited by statute in Barber, North
Carolina.
%
@@ -4022,6 +5267,16 @@ Mail your answer along with the top half of your supervisor to:
P.O. Box 35
Baffled Greek, Michigan
%
+First, a few words about tools.
+
+Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
+the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
+injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If
+you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
+particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
+granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+%
First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
Machines that piss people off get murdered.
-- Pat Taber
@@ -4043,17 +5298,7 @@ First Rule of History:
other.
%
"First things first -- but not necessarily in that order"
- -- The Doctor, "Doctor Who"
-%
-First, a few words about tools.
-
-Basically, a tool is an object that enables you to take advantage of
-the laws of physics and mechanics in such a way that you can seriously
-injure yourself. Today, people tend to take tools for granted. If
-you're ever walking down the street and you notice some people who look
-particularly smug, the odds are that they are taking tools for
-granted. If I were you, I'd walk right up and smack them in the face.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+ -- Dr. Who, "Doctor Who"
%
Five is a sufficiently close approximation to infinity.
-- Robert Firth
@@ -4126,7 +5371,7 @@ Food for thought is no substitute for the real thing.
%
For 20 dollars, I'll give you a good fortune next time ...
%
-For a good time, call (415) 642-9483
+For a good time, call (510) 642-9483
%
For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a
cat.
@@ -4143,13 +5388,6 @@ and wrong.
For every credibility gap, there is a gullibility fill.
-- R. Clopton
%
- "For I perceive that behind this seemingly unrelated sequence
-of events, there lurks a singular, sinister attitude of mind."
-
- "Whose?"
-
- "MINE! HA-HA!"
-%
For large values of one, one equals two, for small values of two.
%
For my son, Robert, this is proving to be the high-point of his entire
@@ -4189,6 +5427,13 @@ like.
phone calls taper off."
-- Johnny Carson
%
+For what it's worth, if you -can- get Michelle Pfeiffer to model
+a latex daemon suit for the catalog, I strongly suggest you do.
+Breasts can sell anything. Shiny red latex body suits start
+religions.
+
+ -- Brian McGroarty <bvmcg@yahoo.com>
+%
For years a secret shame destroyed my peace --
I'd not read Eliot, Auden or MacNiece.
But now I think a thought that brings me hope:
@@ -4203,6 +5448,8 @@ destitution of conscience.
%
Forms follow function, and often obliterate it.
%
+fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
+%
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE OBSCURE FILMS! #6
RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
@@ -4210,6 +5457,12 @@ RAZORBACK: Paul Harbride, 1984, 2 hours 25 min.
arguably the best movie ever made about a large, man-eating
hog. Some violence. With Gregory Harrison.
%
+Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri
+sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
+
+Oh, and have a nice day!
+ -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
+%
fortune's Contribution of the Month to the Animal Rights Debate:
I'll stay out of animals' way if they'll stay out of mine.
@@ -4325,14 +5578,6 @@ A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify
Q: Did he kill you?
A: No.
%
-fortune: cpu time/usefulness ratio too high -- core dumped.
-%
-Fortune: You will be attacked next Wednesday at 3:15 p.m. by six samuri
-sword wielding purple fish glued to Harley-Davidson motorcycles.
-
-Oh, and have a nice day!
- -- Bryce Nesbitt '84
-%
Fourth Law of Applied Terror:
The night before the English History mid-term, your Biology
instructor will assign 200 pages on planaria.
@@ -4352,6 +5597,12 @@ almost one, it is damn near zero.
Frankfort, Kentucky, makes it against the law to shoot off a
policeman's tie.
%
+FreeBSD: everything but the fairings
+%
+FreeBSD: Have you had your fairings today?
+%
+FreeBSD: It's 3am at night. Do you know where your fairings are?
+%
Fresco's Discovery:
If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
%
@@ -4392,6 +5643,10 @@ FROBBOTZIM, has also become very popular, largely due to its exposure
via the Adventure spin-off called Zork (Dungeon). These can also be
applied to non-physical objects, such as data structures.
%
+From a Tru64 patch description:
+
+ Fixes a bug that causes a panic due to software error
+%
[From an announcement of a congress of the International Ontopsychology
Association, in Rome]:
@@ -4505,13 +5760,6 @@ backwards. But is that too high a price to pay for world peace? I
think not, my friend, I think not.
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
- "Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an
-extracurricular activity except you."
- "Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
- "Only to ten, Mudhead."
-
- -- Firesign Theater
-%
"Gee, Toto, I don't think we are in Kansas anymore."
%
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
@@ -4562,77 +5810,8 @@ Gerrold's Laws of Infernal Dynamics:
%
Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
%
- Get GUMMed
- --- ------
-The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April
-1, 2076 (check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above
-the ground directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep
-each other by the hand (after intro), yacc a lot, smoke filtered
-chroots in pipes, chown with forks, use the wc (unless uuclean), fseek
-nice zombie processes, strip, and sleep, but not, we hope, od. Three
-days will be devoted to discussion of the ramifications of whodo. Two
-seconds have been allotted for a complete rundown of all the user-
-friendly features of Unix. Seminars include "Everything You Know is
-Wrong", led by Tom Kempson, "Batman or Cat:man?" led by Richie Dennis
-"cc C? Si! Si!" led by Kerwin Bernighan, and "Document Unix, Are You
-Kidding?" led by Jan Yeats. No Reader Service No. is necessary because
-all GUGUs (Gurus of Unix Group of Users) already know everything we
-could tell them.
- -- Dr. Dobb's Journal, June '84
-%
Get Revenge! Live long enough to be a problem for your children!
%
- -- Gifts for Children --
-
-This is easy. You never have to figure out what to get for children,
-because they will tell you exactly what they want. They spend months
-and months researching these kinds of things by watching Saturday-
-morning cartoon-show advertisements. Make sure you get your children
-exactly what they ask for, even if you disapprove of their choices. If
-your child thinks he wants Murderous Bob, the Doll with the Face You
-Can Rip Right Off, you'd better get it. You may be worried that it
-might help to encourage your child's antisocial tendencies, but believe
-me, you have not seen antisocial tendencies until you've seen a child
-who is convinced that he or she did not get the right gift.
- -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
-%
- -- Gifts for Men --
-
-Men are amused by almost any idiot thing -- that is why professional
-ice hockey is so popular -- so buying gifts for them is easy. But you
-should never buy them clothes. Men believe they already have all the
-clothes they will ever need, and new ones make them nervous. For
-example, your average man has 84 ties, but he wears, at most, only
-three of them. He has learned, through humiliating trial and error,
-that if he wears any of the other 81 ties, his wife will probably laugh
-at him ("You're not going to wear THAT tie with that suit, are you?").
-So he has narrowed it down to three safe ties, and has gone several
-years without being laughed at. If you give him a new tie, he will
-pretend to like it, but deep inside he will hate you.
-
-If you want to give a man something practical, consider tires. More
-than once, I would have gladly traded all the gifts I got for a new set
-of tires.
- -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
-%
- Gimmie That Old Time Religion
-We will follow Zarathustra, We will worship like the Druids,
-Zarathustra like we use to, Dancing naked in the woods,
-I'm a Zarathustra booster, Drinking strange fermented fluids,
-And he's good enough for me! And it's good enough for me!
- (chorus) (chorus)
-
-In the church of Aphrodite,
-The priestess wears a see-through nightie,
-She's a mighty righteous sightie,
-And she's good enough for me!
- (chorus)
-
-CHORUS: Give me that old time religion,
- Give me that old time religion,
- Give me that old time religion,
- 'Cause it's good enough for me!
-%
Ginsberg's Theorem:
(1) You can't win.
(2) You can't break even.
@@ -4681,15 +5860,13 @@ Gnagloot, n.:
impress people.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
-Go 'way! You're bothering me!
-%
Go climb a gravity well!
%
Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what value there may
be in owning a piece thereof.
-- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
%
-//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
+Go 'way! You're bothering me!
%
God did not create the world in seven days; he screwed around for six
days and then pulled an all-nighter.
@@ -4804,10 +5981,10 @@ Good day to let down old friends who need help.
%
Good leaders being scarce, following yourself is allowed.
%
-Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
-%
Good news. Ten weeks from Friday will be a pretty good day.
%
+Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
+%
Good night to spend with family, but avoid arguments with your mate's
new lover.
%
@@ -4818,16 +5995,14 @@ Gordon's first law:
If a research project is not worth doing, it is not worth doing
well.
%
-"Gosh that takes me back ... or forward. That's the trouble with time
-travel, you never can tell."
- -- Dr. Who
-%
Gosh that takes me back... or is it forward? That's the trouble with
time travel, you never can tell."
- -- Doctor Who "Androids of Tara"
+ -- Dr. Who, "Androids of Tara"
+%
+//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
%
Got Mole problems?
-Call Avogardo 6.02 x 10^23
+Call Avogadro 6.02 x 10^23
%
Goto, n.:
A programming tool that exists to allow structured programmers
@@ -4866,16 +6041,6 @@ Logg's Rebuttal to Gray's Law:
%
Great minds run in great circles.
%
- GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY #21 -- July 30, 1917
-
-On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then-
-Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl. He bought them
-off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought I
-wouldn't get out of that under $1000!" Always one to learn from his
-mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs in a
-tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service men
-stood lookout.
-%
Green light in a.m. for new projects. Red light in P.M. for traffic
tickets.
%
@@ -4905,6 +6070,12 @@ offers considerable opposition depending on the angular momentum to any
torque that would change the direction of the axis of spin.
-- Webster's Seventh New Collegiate Dictionary
%
+H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
+ Slice him up before he slays you.
+ Nothing makes you look a slob
+ Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
+ -- The Roguelet's ABC
+%
H. L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H. L.
Mencken -- there is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
-- Maxwell Bodenheim
@@ -4916,21 +6087,12 @@ H. L. Mencken's Law:
Martin's Extension:
Those who cannot teach -- administrate.
%
-H: If a 'GOBLIN (HOB) waylays you,
- Slice him up before he slays you.
- Nothing makes you look a slob
- Like running from a HOB'LIN (GOB).
- -- The Roguelet's ABC
-%
Hacker's Law:
The belief that enhanced understanding will necessarily stir a
nation to action is one of mankind's oldest illusions.
%
Hacking's just another word for nothing left to kludge.
%
-... Had this been an actual emergency, we would have fled in terror,
-and you would not have been informed.
-%
Hail to the sun god
He sure is a fun god
Ra! Ra! Ra!
@@ -4993,10 +6155,6 @@ Hard work may not kill you, but why take chances?
Hardware, n.:
The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.
%
-Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand
-convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
- -- Tobias Smollet
-%
Hark, Hark, the dogs do bark
The Duke is fond of kittens
He likes to take their insides out
@@ -5007,13 +6165,17 @@ Hark, the Herald Tribune sings,
Advertising wondrous things.
-- Tom Lehrer
%
-Harris's Lament:
- All the good ones are taken.
+Hark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender. You stand
+convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want.
+ -- Tobias Smollet
%
Harrisberger's Fourth Law of the Lab:
Experience is directly proportional to the amount of equipment
ruined.
%
+Harris's Lament:
+ All the good ones are taken.
+%
Harry is heavily into camping, and every year in the late fall, he
makes us all go to Assateague, which is an island on the Atlantic Ocean
famous for its wild horses. I realize that the concept of wild horses
@@ -5048,21 +6210,6 @@ keyboard was designed, among other things, to facilitate the even use
of both hands. It follows, therefore, that writing about databases is
not only unnatural, but a lot harder than it appears.
%
- Has your family tried 'em?
-
- POWDERMILK BISCUITS
-
- Heavens, they're tasty and expeditious!
-
- They're made from whole wheat, to give shy persons the
- strength to get up and do what needs to be done.
-
- POWDERMILK BISCUITS
-
- Buy them ready-made in the big blue box with the picture of the
- biscuit on the front, or in the brown bag with the dark stains
- that indicate freshness.
-%
Hatred, n.:
A sentiment appropriate to the occasion of another's
superiority.
@@ -5070,8 +6217,6 @@ superiority.
%
Have an adequate day.
%
-Have an adequate day.
-%
Have people realized that the purpose of the fortune cookie program is
to defuse project tensions? When did you ever see a cheerful cookie, a
non-cynical, or even an informative cookie?
@@ -5108,6 +6253,10 @@ sharply the minute they start waving guns around?
%
Have you reconsidered a computer career?
%
+HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
+SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___OWN brains.
+ -- Walt Kelley
+%
"He did decide, though, that with more time and a great deal of mental
effort, he could probably turn the activity into an acceptable
perversion."
@@ -5157,27 +6306,12 @@ attacks democracy itself.
%
He who Laughs, Lasts.
%
-"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..."
-%
-He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be
-there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
-%
-"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
-%
-HE: Let's end it all, bequeathin' our brains to science.
-SHE: What?!? Science got enough trouble with their ___OWN brains.
- -- Walt Kelley
-%
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
%
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.
-- Redd Foxx
%
-Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
-of nothing.
- -- Redd Foxx
-%
Heaven, n.:
A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of
their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you
@@ -5202,6 +6336,11 @@ organization.
"Hello," he lied.
-- Don Carpenter quoting a Hollywood agent
%
+Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
+%
+HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
+ -- E. E. CUMMINGS
+%
Help a swallow land at Capistrano.
%
Help fight continental drift.
@@ -5210,11 +6349,6 @@ Help me, I'm a prisoner in a Fortune cookie file!
%
Help stamp out and abolish redundancy.
%
-Help! I'm trapped in a PDP 11/70!
-%
-HELP! MY TYPEWRITER IS BROKEN!
- -- E. E. CUMMINGS
-%
Her locks an ancient lady gave
Her loving husband's life to save;
And men -- they honored so the dame --
@@ -5279,34 +6413,23 @@ finger would explode! But this is nothing to worry about unless you
have carpeting.
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%
- Here is the fact of the week, maybe even the fact of the
-month. According to probably reliable sources, the Coca-Cola people
-are experiencing severe marketing anxiety in China.
- The words "Coca-Cola" translate into Chinese as either
-(depending on the inflection) "wax-fattened mare" or "bite the wax
-tadpole".
- Bite the wax tadpole.
- There is a sort of rough justice, is there not?
- The trouble with this fact, as lovely as it is, is that it's
-hard to get a whole column out of it. I'd like to teach the world to
-bite a wax tadpole. Coke -- it's the real wax-fattened mare. Not bad,
-but broad satiric vistas do not open up.
- -- John Carrol, San Francisco Chronicle
-%
"Here's something to think about: How come you never see a headline like
`Psychic Wins Lottery'?"
-- Jay Leno
%
+"He's just a politician trying to save both his faces ..."
+%
+He's the kind of guy, that, well, if you were ever in a jam he'd be
+there ... with two slices of bread and some chunky peanut butter.
+%
+"He's the kind of man for the times that need the kind of man he is ..."
+%
Heuristics are bug ridden by definition. If they didn't have bugs,
then they'd be algorithms.
%
"Hey! Who took the cork off my lunch??!"
-- W. C. Fields
%
-Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
-reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
-nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
-%
"Hi, I'm Preston A. Mantis, president of Consumers Retail Law Outlet.
As you can see by my suit and the fact that I have all these books of
equal height on the shelves behind me, I am a trained legal attorney.
@@ -5320,6 +6443,10 @@ of this thing with at least a cabin cruiser.
motto is: 'It is very difficult to disprove certain kinds of pain.'"
-- Dave Barry, "Pain and Suffering"
%
+Hi there! This is just a note from me, to you, to tell you, the person
+reading this note, that I can't think up any more famous quotes, jokes,
+nor bizarre stories, so you may as well go home.
+%
Hier liegt ein Mann ganz ohnegleich;
Im Leibe dick, an Suenden reich.
Wir haben ihn in das Grab gesteckt, Here lies a man with sundry flaws
@@ -5365,8 +6492,6 @@ History is curious stuff
Yet the fact remains I fear
They make more of it every year.
%
-History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
-%
History, n.:
Papa Hegel he say that all we learn from history is that we
learn nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from
@@ -5374,6 +6499,8 @@ what happened this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long
view.
-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
%
+History repeats itself. That's one thing wrong with history.
+%
Hlade's Law:
If you have a difficult task, give it to a lazy person -- they
will find an easier way to do it.
@@ -5389,23 +6516,6 @@ Hofstadter's Law into account.
Hollywood is where if you don't have happiness you send out for it.
-- Rex Reed
%
- Home centers are designed for the do-it-yourselfer who's
-willing to pay higher prices for the convenience of being able to shop
-for lumber, hardware, and toasters all in one location. Notice I say
-"shop for", as opposed to "obtain". This is the major drawback of home
-centers: they are always out of everything except artificial Christmas
-trees. The home center employees have no time to reorder merchandise
-because they are too busy applying little price stickers to every
-object -- every board, washer, nail and screw -- in the entire store ...
- Let's say a piece in your toilet tank breaks, so you remove the
-broken part, take it to the home center, and ask an employee if he has
-a replacement. The employee, who has never is his life even seen the
-inside of a toilet tank, will peer at the broken part in very much the
-same way that a member of a primitive Amazon jungle tribe would look at
-an electronic calculator, and then say, "We're expecting a shipment of
-these sometime around the middle of next week".
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
Home of Doberman Propulsion Laboratories:
The ultimate in watchdog weaponry.
-- Chris Shaw
@@ -5457,7 +6567,7 @@ How cheerfully he seems to grin,
How neatly spreads his claws,
And welcomes little fishes in,
With gently smiling jaws!
- -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
%
How doth the VAX's C compiler
Improve its object code.
@@ -5502,17 +6612,15 @@ back on the tray and bite another one and go, "Darn it! Another
cheese!" and so on.
-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
%
- How many seconds are there in a year? If I tell you there are
-3.155 x 10^7, you won't even try to remember it. On the other hand,
-who could forget that, to within half a percent, pi seconds is a
-nanocentury.
- -- Tom Duff, Bell Labs
-%
How much does it cost to entice a dope-smoking UNIX system guru to
Dayton?
-- Brian Boyle, UNIX/WORLD's First Annual Salary Survey
%
-How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
+How to become a sysop:
+ I grew a beard, started wearing only t-shirts and jeans, and
+ developed a surly attitude. The group accepted me, and I've never
+ worked a full day in my life since then.
+ -- rho/slashdot
%
How wonderful opera would be if there were no singers.
%
@@ -5543,25 +6651,11 @@ bill. The original Senate amendment was the conference agreement on
the bill. Agreed to.
-- Albuquerque Journal
%
- Hug O' War
-
-I will not play at tug o' war.
-I'd rather play at hug o' war,
-Where everyone hugs
-Instead of tugs,
-Where everyone giggles
-And rolls on the rug,
-Where everyone kisses,
-And everyone grins,
-And everyone cuddles,
-And everyone wins.
- -- Shel Silverstein
-%
Human beings were created by water to transport it uphill.
%
Human cardiac catheterization was introduced by Werner Forssman in
1929. Ignoring his department chief, and tying his assistant to an
-operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a uretheral
+operating table to prevent his interference, he placed a urethral
catheter into a vein in his arm, advanced it to the right atrium [of
his heart], and walked upstairs to the x-ray department where he took
the confirmatory x-ray film. In 1956, Dr. Forssman was awarded the
@@ -5584,13 +6678,24 @@ other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
-- Richard M. Nixon
%
+I am a PC technician - however, this has unfortunately caused my
+computer to be running Win98.
+ -- seen on a FreeBSD mailing-list
+%
"I am convinced that the manufacturers of carpet odor removing powder
have included encapsulated time released cat urine in their products.
This technology must be what prevented its distribution during my mom's
reign. My carpet smells like piss, and I don't have a cat. Better go
-by some more."
+buy some more."
-- timw@zeb.USWest.COM
%
+"I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
+of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell
+you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
+atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
+inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering."
+ -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
+%
I am more bored than you could ever possibly be. Go back to work.
%
"I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!"
@@ -5618,13 +6723,6 @@ with an option to buy.
%
"I am the mother of all things, and all things should wear a sweater."
%
-"I am, in point of fact, a particularly haughty and exclusive person,
-of pre-Adamite ancestral descent. You will understand this when I tell
-you that I can trace my ancestry back to a protoplasmal primordial
-atomic globule. Consequently, my family pride is something
-inconceivable. I can't help it. I was born sneering."
- -- Pooh-Bah, "The Mikado", Gilbert & Sullivan
-%
"I appreciate the fact that this draft was done in haste, but some of
the sentences that you are sending out in the world to do your work for
you are loitering in taverns or asleep beside the highway."
@@ -5666,20 +6764,6 @@ true."
%
"I can resist anything but temptation."
%
-"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."
- -- Joe Walsh
-%
-"I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling."
- -- Florence Henderson
-%
-I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can
-understand it.
- -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.
-%
-I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
-novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
- -- Fred Allen
-%
"I cannot and will not cut my conscience to fit this year's fashions."
-- Lillian Hellman
%
@@ -5695,27 +6779,19 @@ of slow, painful death in North America," or "Without good grammar, the
United States would have lost World War II."
-- Dave Barry, "An Utterly Absurd Look at Grammar"
%
- "I cannot read the fiery letters," said Frito Bugger in a
-quavering voice.
- "No," said GoodGulf, "but I can. The letters are Elvish, of
-course, of an ancient mode, but the language is that of Mordor, which
-I will not utter here. They are lines of a verse long known in
-Elven-lore:
-
- "This Ring, no other, is made by the elves,
- Who'd pawn their own mother to grab it themselves.
- Ruler of creeper, mortal, and scallop,
- This is a sleeper that packs quite a wallop.
- The Power almighty rests in this Lone Ring.
- The Power, alrighty, for doing your Own Thing.
- If broken or busted, it cannot be remade.
- If found, send to Sorhed (with postage prepaid)."
- -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
+"I can't complain, but sometimes I still do."
+ -- Joe Walsh
%
-" I changed my headlights the other day. I put in strobe lights
-instead! Now when I drive at night, it looks like everyone else is
-standing still ..."
- -- Steven Wright
+"I can't decide whether to commit suicide or go bowling."
+ -- Florence Henderson
+%
+I can't understand it. I can't even understand the people who can
+understand it.
+ -- Queen Juliana of the Netherlands.
+%
+I can't understand why a person will take a year or two to write a
+novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
+ -- Fred Allen
%
I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather
dance with the cows till you come home.
@@ -5730,27 +6806,6 @@ the time I found out that M&Ms really *do* melt in your hand ..."
I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions. The
curtain was up.
%
- I disapprove of the F-word, not because it's dirty, but because
-we use it as a substitute for thoughtful insults, and it frequently
-leads to violence. What we ought to do, when we anger each other, say,
-in traffic, is exchange phone numbers, so that later on, when we've had
-time to think of witty and learned insults or look them up in the
-library, we could call each other up:
-
- You: Hello? Bob?
- Bob: Yes?
- You: This is Ed. Remember? The person whose parking space you
- took last Thursday? Outside of Sears?
- Bob: Oh yes! Sure! How are you, Ed?
- You: Fine, thanks. Listen, Bob, the reason I'm calling is:
- "Madam, you may be drunk, but I am ugly, and ..." No, wait.
- I mean: "you may be ugly, but I am Winston Churchill
- and ..." No, wait. (Sound of reference book thudding onto
- the floor.) S-word. Excuse me. Look, Bob, I'm going to
- have to get back to you.
- Bob: Fine.
- -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
-%
I do hate sums. There is no greater mistake than to call arithmetic an
exact science. There are permutations and aberrations discernible to
minds entirely noble like mine; subtle variations which ordinary
@@ -5796,24 +6851,6 @@ people waiting to abuse me."
I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.
-- Elvis Presley
%
-"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to."
- -- Elvis Presley
-%
- "I don't know what you mean by `glory,'" Alice said
- Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. "Of course you don't --
-till I tell you. I meant `there's a nice knock-down argument for
-you!'"
- "But glory doesn't mean `a nice knock-down argument,'" Alice
-objected.
- "When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful
-tone, "it means just what I choose it to mean -- neither more nor
-less."
- "The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean
-so many different things."
- "The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--
-that's all."
- -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
-%
"I don't like spinach, and I'm glad I don't, because if I liked it I'd
eat it, and I just hate it."
-- Clarence Darrow
@@ -5939,7 +6976,7 @@ of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry."
%
I have learned
To spell hors d'oeuvres
-Which still grates on
+Which still grates on
Some people's n'oeuvres.
-- Warren Knox
%
@@ -6038,7 +7075,7 @@ was to go away."
"I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like."
%
I often quote myself; it adds spice to my conversation.
- -- G. B. Shaw
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
%
"I only touch base with reality on an as-needed basis!"
-- Royal Floyd Mengot (Klaus)
@@ -6058,14 +7095,6 @@ I predict that today will be remembered until tomorrow!
slob."
-- William F. Buckley
%
- "I quite agree with you," said the Duchess; "and the moral of
-that is -- `Be what you would seem to be' -- or, if you'd like it put
-more simply -- `Never imagine yourself not to be otherwise than what it
-might appear to others that what you were or might have been was not
-otherwise than what you had been would have appeared to them to be
-otherwise.'"
- -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
-%
I realize that the MX missile is none of our concern. I realize that
the whole point of living in a democracy is that we pay professional
congresspersons to concern themselves with things like the MX missile
@@ -6124,17 +7153,11 @@ I tried to turn the handle, But ...
"Is that all?" asked Alice.
"That is all." said Humpty Dumpty. "Goodbye."
- -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
"I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck."
-- Graffito in Los Angeles
%
-"... I should explain that I was wearing a black velvet cape that was
-supposed to make me look like the dashing, romantic Zorro but which
-actually made me look like a gigantic bat wearing glasses ..."
- -- Dave Barry, "The Wet Zorro Suit and Other Turning
- Points in l'Amour"
-%
"I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full
house and four people died."
-- Steven Wright
@@ -6189,6 +7212,10 @@ out, it's the shifting of color. We mentioned before about the stars
singing, and that's one of the effects of the shifting of colors."
-- Pat Robertson, The 700 Club
%
+I think the world would be a more peaceful place if people
+could just keep their fingers out of the fortune files.
+ -- Jordan K. Hubbard
+%
I think we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown
... HEY! PAY ATTENTION WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU DAMMIT! I said I think
we can all agree that there is not enough common courtesy shown today.
@@ -6203,10 +7230,6 @@ conversation ...
"I thought you were trying to get into shape."
"I am. The shape I've selected is a triangle."
%
-" ... I told my doctor I got all the exercise I needed being a
-pallbearer for all my friends who run and do exercises!"
- -- Winston Churchill
-%
I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in
twenty minutes. It's about Russia.
-- Woody Allen
@@ -6308,6 +7331,11 @@ There's a knob called `brightness', but it doesn't work."
always worked for me."
-- Hunter S. Thompson
%
+IBM had a PL/I,
+ Its syntax worse than JOSS;
+And everywhere this language went,
+ It was a total loss.
+%
"I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got
@@ -6340,11 +7368,11 @@ cottage cheese sculpture."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
%
+"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
+%
"I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma
transplant."
%
-"I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
-%
"I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
%
"I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never
@@ -6358,156 +7386,6 @@ need worrying about."
%
"I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy."
%
-"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
-carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
-I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."
- -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
-%
-I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
-listen to it!
- -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
-%
-I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
-Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
-And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
-And in our bound partition never part.
- -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
-%
-"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
-That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."
- -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
-%
-"I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from
-man."
-%
-I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
-%
-"I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my
-sister."
-%
-I'm changing my name to Chrysler
-I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
-I'll tell some power broker
- What they did for Iacocca
-Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
-I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
-I'm heading for that great receiving line.
-When they hand a million grand out,
- I'll be standing with my hand out,
-Yessir, I'll get mine!
- -- Tom Paxton
-%
-I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
-%
-"I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did."
-%
-"I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to
-die in."
- -- George McGovern
-%
-I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
- -- Fred Allen
-%
-I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
- -- Spider Robinson
-%
-... I'm IMAGINING a sensuous GIRAFFE, CAVORTING in the BACK ROOM of a
-KOSHER DELI!!
-%
-"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"
- -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
-%
-i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
-living apart.
- -- e. e. cummings
-%
-I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
-N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
-I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
-She's traversed me seven times before.
-And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
-Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
-I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
-N-ary the tree I am, I am,
-N-ary the tree I am.
-%
-"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
-It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."
-%
-"I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
-life."
-%
-I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
--- I could be just as proud for half the money.
- -- Arthur Godfrey
-%
-I'm rated PG-34!!
-%
-"I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL
-soon ..."
-%
-"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
-(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."
- -- English Professor, Providence College
-%
-I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
-I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
-In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
-I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
- -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance"
-%
-"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's
-lives"
-%
-I've built a better model than the one at Data General
-For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
-My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
-My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
-My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
-You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
-There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
-My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
-
-I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
-There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
-Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
-I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
-
- -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
- "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
- by Gilbert & Sullivan)
-%
-I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
-%
-I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
-this little hole in the bottom ...
- -- John Croll
-%
-I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
-%
-I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
- -- Groucho Marx
-%
-I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
-on the same day.
-%
-"I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer."
-%
-"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer"
- -- Senator Claghorn
-%
-I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
-And from that full meridian of my glory
-I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
-Like a bright exhalation in the evening
-And no man see me more.
- -- Shakespeare
-%
-IBM had a PL/I,
- Its syntax worse than JOSS;
-And everywhere this language went,
- It was a total loss.
-%
Idaho state law makes it illegal for a man to give his sweetheart a box
of candy weighing less than fifty pounds.
%
@@ -6524,13 +7402,13 @@ Idiot, n.:
affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
+If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
+ -- Roy Santoro
+%
If a 6600 used paper tape instead of core memory, it would use up tape
at about 30 miles/second.
-- Grishman, Assembly Language Programming
%
-If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
- -- Roy Santoro
-%
"If a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far."
-- Paul White
%
@@ -6559,7 +7437,7 @@ If a President doesn't do it to his wife, he'll do it to his country.
If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have
dropped. The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to
maintain a position in the atmosphere without something to support it
-must drop. The law of gravity supercedes the law of golf.
+must drop. The law of gravity supersedes the law of golf.
-- Donald A. Metz
%
"If a team is in a positive frame of mind, it will have a good
@@ -6619,11 +7497,6 @@ around a deal faster.
%
If everything is coming your way then you're in the wrong lane.
%
-... If forced to travel on an airplane, try and get in the cabin with
-the Captain, so you can keep an eye on him and nudge him if he falls
-asleep or point out any mountains looming up ahead ...
- -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
If God didn't mean for us to juggle, tennis balls wouldn't come three
to a can.
%
@@ -6868,14 +7741,14 @@ If you can read this, you're too close.
%
If you can survive death, you can probably survive anything.
%
+If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
+ -- Harry S Truman
+%
If you can't be good, be careful. If you can't be careful, give me a
call.
%
If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly.
%
-If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
- -- Harry S Truman
-%
If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
%
If you don't care where you are, then you ain't lost.
@@ -6954,7 +7827,7 @@ the sucker.
If you stand on your head, you will get footprints in your hair.
%
If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
-It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
+It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
Or some joker who is slicker,
Will trick you of your liquor,
If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
@@ -7010,7 +7883,7 @@ If you want divine justice, die.
%
If you want to know what god thinks of money, just look at the people
he gave it to.
- -- Dorthy Parker
+ -- Dorothy Parker
%
If you want to understand your government, don't begin by reading the
Constitution. It conveys precious little of the flavor of today's
@@ -7035,24 +7908,6 @@ tomorrow morning, sleep late.
%
If you're happy, you're successful.
%
- If you're like most homeowners, you're afraid that many repairs
-around your home are too difficult to tackle. So, when your furnace
-explodes, you call in a so-called professional to fix it. The
-"professional" arrives in a truck with lettering on the sides and
-deposits a large quantity of tools and two assistants who spend the
-better part of the week in your basement whacking objects at random
-with heavy wrenches, after which the "professional" returns and gives
-you a bill for slightly more money than it would cost you to run a
-successful campaign for the U.S. Senate.
- And that's why you've decided to start doing things yourself.
-You figure, "If those guys can fix my furnace, then so can I. How
-difficult can it be?"
- Very difficult. In fact, most home projects are impossible,
-which is why you should do them yourself. There is no point in paying
-other people to screw things up when you can easily screw them up
-yourself for far less money. This article can help you.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
%
If you're not very clever you should be conciliatory.
@@ -7076,16 +7931,117 @@ Il brilgue: les t^oves libricilleux
Se gyrent et frillant dans le guave,
Enm^im'es sont les gougebosquex,
Et le m^omerade horgrave.
- -- Lewis Carrol, "Through the Looking Glass"
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
%
Iles's Law:
There is always an easier way to do it. When looking directly
at the easy way, especially for long periods, you will not see it.
Neither will Iles.
%
+"I'll carry your books, I'll carry a tune, I'll carry on, carry over,
+carry forward, Cary Grant, cash & carry, Carry Me Back To Old Virginia,
+I'll even Hara Kari if you show me how, but I will *not* carry a gun."
+ -- Hawkeye, M*A*S*H
+%
+I'll defend to the death your right to say that, but I never said I'd
+listen to it!
+ -- Tom Galloway with apologies to Voltaire
+%
+I'll grant thee random access to my heart,
+Thoul't tell me all the constants of thy love;
+And so we two shall all love's lemmas prove
+And in our bound partition never part.
+ -- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
+%
+"I'll rob that rich person and give it to some poor deserving slob.
+That will *prove* I'm Robin Hood."
+ -- Daffy Duck, "Robin Hood Daffy", [1958, Chuck Jones]
+%
Illinois isn't exactly the land that God forgot -- it's more like the
land He's trying to ignore.
%
+"I'm a creationist; I refuse to believe that I could have evolved from
+man."
+%
+I'm a Lisp variable -- bind me!
+%
+"I'm all for computer dating, but I wouldn't want one to marry my
+sister."
+%
+I'm changing my name to Chrysler
+I'm going down to Washington, D.C.
+I'll tell some power broker
+ What they did for Iacocca
+Will be perfectly acceptable to me!
+I'm changing my name to Chrysler,
+I'm heading for that great receiving line.
+When they hand a million grand out,
+ I'll be standing with my hand out,
+Yessir, I'll get mine!
+ -- Tom Paxton
+%
+I'm defending her honor, which is more than she ever did.
+%
+"I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to
+die in."
+ -- George McGovern
+%
+I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
+ -- Fred Allen
+%
+I'm going to live forever, or die trying!
+ -- Spider Robinson
+%
+"I'm in Pittsburgh. Why am I here?"
+ -- Harold Urey, Nobel Laureate
+%
+i'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be
+living apart.
+ -- e. e. cummings
+%
+I'm N-ary the tree, I am,
+N-ary the tree, I am, I am.
+I'm getting traversed by the parser next door,
+She's traversed me seven times before.
+And ev'ry time it was an N-ary (N-ary!)
+Never wouldn't ever do a binary. (No sir!)
+I'm 'er eighth tree that was N-ary.
+N-ary the tree I am, I am,
+N-ary the tree I am.
+%
+"I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am.
+It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get."
+%
+"I'm prepared for all emergencies but totally unprepared for everyday
+life."
+%
+I'm proud to be paying taxes in the United States. The only thing is
+-- I could be just as proud for half the money.
+ -- Arthur Godfrey
+%
+I'm rated PG-34!!
+%
+"I'm really enjoying not talking to you ... Let's not talk again ____REAL
+soon ..."
+%
+"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it
+(your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."
+ -- English Professor, Providence College
+%
+"I'm sorry, but after reading this thread, I'm having a hard time
+coming up with an explanation for this nonsense which doesn't involve
+you being a dumbass."
+ -- Bill Paul <wpaul@FreeBSD.org>
+%
+I'm very good at integral and differential calculus,
+I know the scientific names of beings animalculous;
+In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral,
+I am the very model of a modern Major-General.
+ -- Gilbert & Sullivan, "Pirates of Penzance"
+%
+"I'm willing to sacrifice anything for this cause, even other people's
+lives"
+%
Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality.
-- Jules de Gaultier
%
@@ -7142,27 +8098,6 @@ syrup.
In a five year period we can get one superb programming language. Only
we can't control when the five year period will begin.
%
- In a forest a fox bumps into a little rabbit, and says, "Hi,
-junior, what are you up to?"
- "I'm writing a dissertation on how rabbits eat foxes," said the
-rabbit.
- "Come now, friend rabbit, you know that's impossible!"
- "Well, follow me and I'll show you." They both go into the
-rabbit's dwelling and after a while the rabbit emerges with a satisfied
-expression on his face.
- Comes along a wolf. "Hello, what are we doing these days?"
- "I'm writing the second chapter of my thesis, on how rabbits
-devour wolves."
- "Are you crazy? Where is your academic honesty?"
- "Come with me and I'll show you." As before, the rabbit comes
-out with a satisfied look on his face and a diploma in his paw.
-Finally, the camera pans into the rabbit's cave and, as everybody
-should have guessed by now, we see a mean-looking, huge lion sitting
-next to some bloody and furry remnants of the wolf and the fox.
-
-The moral: It's not the contents of your thesis that are important --
-it's your PhD advisor that really counts.
-%
In a medium in which a News Piece takes a minute and an "In-Depth"
Piece takes two minutes, the Simple will drive out the Complex.
-- Frank Mankiewicz
@@ -7175,6 +8110,10 @@ In Africa some of the native tribes have a custom of beating the ground
with clubs and uttering spine chilling cries. Anthropologists call
this a form of primitive self-expression. In America we call it golf.
%
+In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
+of the risks he takes.
+ -- Adlai Stevenson
+%
In America today ... we have Woody Allen, whose humor has become so
sophisticated that nobody gets it any more except Mia Farrow. All
those who think Mia Farrow should go back to making movies where the
@@ -7182,10 +8121,6 @@ devil gets her pregnant and Woody Allen should go back to dressing up
as a human sperm, please raise your hands. Thank you.
-- Dave Barry, "Why Humor is Funny"
%
-In America, any boy may become president and I suppose that's just one
-of the risks he takes.
- -- Adlai Stevenson
-%
In an organization, each person rises to the level of his own
incompetency
-- The Peter Principle
@@ -7216,7 +8151,7 @@ In Corning, Iowa, it's a misdemeanor for a man to ask his wife to ride
in any motor vehicle.
%
"In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable."
- -- Winston Curchill, of Montgomery
+ -- Winston Churchill, of Montgomery
%
In Denver it is unlawful to lend your vacuum cleaner to your next-door
neighbor.
@@ -7347,7 +8282,7 @@ from now the Mississippi will be only a mile and three-quarters long.
... There is something fascinating about science. One gets such
wholesome returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of
fact.
- -- Mark Twain
+ -- Mark Twain
%
In the Top 40, half the songs are secret messages to the teen world to
drop out, turn on, and groove with the chemicals and light shows at
@@ -7368,11 +8303,6 @@ Incumbent, n.:
Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
-... indifference is a militant thing ... when it goes away it leaves
-smoking ruins, where lie citizens bayonetted through the throat. It is
-not a children's pastime like mere highway robbery.
- -- Stephen Crane
-%
Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?
%
Individualists unite!
@@ -7416,19 +8346,6 @@ the interpreter's advantage for the other to have said.
%
Intolerance is the last defense of the insecure.
%
- INVENTORY
-Four be the things I am wiser to know:
-Idleness, sorrow, a friend, and a foe.
-
-Four be the things I'd been better without:
-Love, curiosity, freckles, and doubt.
-
-Three be the things I shall never attain:
-Envy, content, and sufficient champagne.
-
-Three be the things I shall have till I die:
-Laughter and hope and a sock in the eye.
-%
Iron Law of Distribution:
Them that has, gets.
%
@@ -7574,6 +8491,9 @@ if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of
people.
-- Dolph Sharp, "I'm O.K., You're Not So Hot"
%
+It is hard to predict, in particular about the future.
+ -- Robert Storm Petersen
+%
It is illegal to drive more than two thousand sheep down Hollywood
Boulevard at one time.
%
@@ -7626,12 +8546,6 @@ It is only the great men who are truly obscene. If they had not dared
to be obscene, they could never have dared to be great.
-- Havelock Ellis
%
-It is practically impossible to teach good programming style to
-students that have had prior exposure to BASIC: as potential
-programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of
-regeneration.
- -- Dijkstra
-%
It is said that the lonely eagle flies to the mountain peaks while the
lowly ant crawls the ground, but cannot the soul of the ant soar as
high as the eagle?
@@ -7657,9 +8571,6 @@ It is true that if your paperboy throws your paper into the bushes for
five straight days it can be explained by Newton's Law of Gravity. But
it takes Murphy's law to explain why it is happening to you.
%
-It is very difficult to prophesy, especially when it pertains to the
-future.
-%
It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out.
%
It may be bad manners to talk with your mouth full, but it isn't too
@@ -7702,16 +8613,6 @@ yours are kept forever -- unread. One of them will last a reasonable
man a lifetime."
-- Thomas Aldrich
%
- It was the next morning that the armies of Twodor marched east
-laden with long lances, sharp swords, and death-dealing hangovers. The
-thousands were led by Arrowroot, who sat limply in his sidesaddle,
-nursing a whopper. Goodgulf, Gimlet, and the rest rode by him, praying
-for their fate to be quick, painless, and if possible, someone else's.
- Many an hour the armies forged ahead, the war-merinos bleating
-under their heavy burdens and the soldiers bleating under their melting
-icepacks.
- -- The Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
-%
It wasn't that she had a rose in her teeth, exactly. It was more like
the rose and the teeth were in the same glass.
%
@@ -7747,6 +8648,8 @@ It's a good thing we don't get all the government we pay for.
It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
-- Churchy La Femme
%
+It's always a long day; 86400 doesn't fit into a short.
+%
It's always darkest just before it gets pitch black.
%
"It's bad luck to be superstitious."
@@ -7856,29 +8759,49 @@ not to.
%
It's the thought, if any, that counts!
%
- JACK AND THE BEANSTACK
- by Mark Isaak
+I've built a better model than the one at Data General
+For data bases vegetable, animal, and mineral
+My OS handles CPUs with multiplexed duality;
+My PL/1 compiler shows impressive functionality.
+My storage system's better than magnetic core polarity,
+You never have to bother checking out a bit for parity;
+There isn't any reason to install non-static floor matting;
+My disk drive has capacity for variable formatting.
- Long ago, in a finite state far away, there lived a JOVIAL
-character named Jack. Jack and his relations were poor. Often their
-hash table was bare. One day Jack's parent said to him, "Our matrices
-are sparse. You must go to the market to exchange our RAM for some
-BASICs." She compiled a linked list of items to retrieve and passed it
-to him.
- So Jack set out. But as he was walking along a Hamilton path,
-he met the traveling salesman.
- "Whither dost thy flow chart take thou?" prompted the salesman
-in high-level language.
- "I'm going to the market to exchange this RAM for some chips
-and Apples," commented Jack.
- "I have a much better algorithm. You needn't join a queue
-there; I will swap your RAM for these magic kernels now."
- Jack made the trade, then backtracked to his house. But when
-he told his busy-waiting parent of the deal, she became so angry she
-started thrashing.
- "Don't you even have any artificial intelligence? All these
-kernels together hardly make up one byte," and she popped them out the
-window ...
+I feel compelled to mention what I know to be a gloating point:
+There's lots of room in memory for variables floating-point,
+Which shows for input vegetable, animal, and mineral
+I've built a better model than the one at Data General.
+
+ -- Steve Levine, "A Computer Song" (To the tune of
+ "Modern Major General", from "Pirates of Penzance",
+ by Gilbert & Sullivan)
+%
+I've enjoyed just about as much of this as I can stand.
+%
+I've found my niche. If you're wondering why I'm not there, there was
+this little hole in the bottom ...
+ -- John Croll
+%
+I've given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.
+%
+I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
+I've known him as a man, as an adolescent and as a child -- sometimes
+on the same day.
+%
+"I've seen better heads on half a pint of beer."
+%
+"I've seen, I SAY, I've seen better heads on a mug of beer"
+ -- Senator Claghorn
+%
+I've touch'd the highest point of all my greatness;
+And from that full meridian of my glory
+I haste now to my setting. I shall fall,
+Like a bright exhalation in the evening
+And no man see me more.
+ -- Shakespeare
%
Jacquin's Postulate on Democratic Government:
No man's life, liberty, or property are safe while the
@@ -7941,11 +8864,11 @@ Just because everything is different doesn't mean anything has
changed.
-- Irene Peter
%
-Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
-%
Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he
knows what it is.
%
+Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they AREN'T after you.
+%
Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you
get a prompt, type like hell.
%
@@ -7957,6 +8880,9 @@ immune to bullets"
of the few remaining bits of your brain just evaporated?"
-- Patricia O Tuama, rissa@killer.DALLAS.TX.US
%
+"Just remember, it all started with a mouse."
+ -- Walt Disney
+%
Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to
twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty!
%
@@ -7970,6 +8896,10 @@ Supporting each man on the top of the tide
Just the place for a Snark! I have said it thrice:
What I tell you three times is true.'
%
+Just think -- blessed SCSI cables! Do a big enough sacrifice and create
+a +5 blessed SCSI cable of connectivity.
+ -- Lionel Lauer
+%
Just when you thought you were winning the rat race, along comes a
faster rat!!!
%
@@ -8011,7 +8941,7 @@ Keep in mind always the two constant Laws of Frisbee:
(2) Never precede any maneuver by a comment more predictive
than "Watch this!"
%
-Keep you Eye on the Ball,
+Keep your Eye on the Ball,
Your Shoulder to the Wheel,
Your Nose to the Grindstone,
Your Feet on the Ground,
@@ -8133,7 +9063,7 @@ Last yeer I kudn't spel Engineer. Now I are won.
%
Laugh at your problems; everybody else does.
%
-"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
+"Laughter is the closest distance between two people."
-- Victor Borge
%
Law of Communications:
@@ -8315,6 +9245,9 @@ there is nothing in it.
"Life is too important to take seriously."
-- Corky Siegel
%
+"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
+ -- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+%
"Life may have no meaning -- or even worse, it may have a meaning of
which I disapprove."
%
@@ -8327,9 +9260,6 @@ weren't for other people"
%
Life would be so much easier if we could just look at the source code.
%
-"Life, loathe it or ignore it, you can't like it."
- -- Marvin, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
Like so many Americans, she was trying to construct a life that made
sense from things she found in gift shops.
-- Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.
@@ -8344,6 +9274,28 @@ Their topics run chiefly to sex.
And masculine urgin's,
And other erotic effects.
%
+Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
+Kennedy exactly one hundred years later in 1946.
+
+Lincoln was elected president in November 1860.
+Kennedy in November 1960.
+
+Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy who urged him not to go to
+the theatre.
+Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln who advised against his going
+to Dallas.
+
+Booth shot Lincoln in a theatre and ran off into a warehouse.
+Oswald shot Kennedy from a warehouse and ran off into a theatre.
+
+Lincoln was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
+Kennedy was succeeded by a Southerner named Johnson.
+
+The first Johnson was born in 1808.
+The second Johnson was born in 1908.
+
+ -- Alistair Cooke, "Letter From America", 26nov2001
+%
Line Printer paper is strongest at the perforations.
%
Linus: I guess it's wrong always to be worrying about tomorrow. Maybe
@@ -8393,9 +9345,6 @@ one in a million, but once would be enough.
%
Logic is a little bird, sitting in a tree; that smells *_____awful*.
%
-... Logically incoherent, semantically incomprehensible, and
-legally ... impeccable!
-%
Logicians have but ill defined
As rational the human kind.
Logic, they say, belongs to man,
@@ -8420,8 +9369,6 @@ Halstead, Kansas.
%
Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
%
-Love and scandal are the best sweeteners of tea.
-%
Love at first sight is one of the greatest labor-saving devices the
world has ever seen.
%
@@ -8442,7 +9389,7 @@ Any kiddie in school can love like a fool,
But Hating, my boy, is an Art.
-- Ogden Nash
%
-"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with
+"Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing; a confusion of the real with
the ideal never goes unpunished."
-- Goethe
%
@@ -8459,17 +9406,6 @@ Love thy neighbor as thyself, but choose your neighborhood.
Love your enemies: they'll go crazy trying to figure out what you're up
to.
%
- Love's Drug
-
-My love is like an iron wand
- That conks me on the head,
-My love is like the valium
- That I take before my bed,
-My love is like the pint of scotch
- That I drink when I be dry;
-And I shall love thee still, my dear,
- Until my wife is wise.
-%
Lowery's Law:
If it jams -- force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing
anyway.
@@ -8537,7 +9473,7 @@ carts.
-- Sniglets, "Rich Hall & Friends"
%
Magpie, n.:
- A bird whose theivish disposition suggested to someone that it
+ A bird whose thievish disposition suggested to someone that it
might be taught to talk.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
@@ -8609,18 +9545,18 @@ Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
victims he intends to eat until he eats them.
-- Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
%
-Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
-is an enemy.
- -- Albert Einstein
-%
Man, n.:
An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
-e is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His hief
-occupation is extermination of other animals and his own pecies, which,
-however, multiplies with such insistent apidity as to infest the whole
+he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be. His chief
+occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species, which,
+however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest the whole
habitable earth and Canada.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
+Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it
+is an enemy.
+ -- Albert Einstein
+%
Mandrell: "You know what I think?"
Doctor: "Ah, ah that's a catch question. With a brain your size you
don't think, right?"
@@ -8708,8 +9644,6 @@ Meader's Law:
Whatever happens to you, it will previously have happened to
everyone you know, only more so.
%
-Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
-%
Meeting, n.:
An assembly of people coming together to decide what person or
department not represented in the room must solve a problem.
@@ -8720,6 +9654,21 @@ Centauri. Spirits were brave, men boldly split infinitives that no man
had split before. Thus was the Empire forged.
-- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy", Douglas Adams
%
+Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
+ The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
+%
+Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
+ The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
+cork makes when it is popped.
+%
+Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
+ All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
+%
+Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
+ Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
+is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can
+never hope to acquire it.
+%
Men's skin is different from women's skin. It is usually bigger, and
it has more snakes tattooed on it. Also, if you examine a woman's skin
very closely, inch by inch, starting at her shapely ankles, then gently
@@ -8738,21 +9687,6 @@ window head first, without so much as a pension plan, by younger
hotshot cells moving up from below.
-- Dave Barry, "Saving Face"
%
-Mencken and Nathan's Fifteenth Law of The Average American:
- The worst actress in the company is always the manager's wife.
-%
-Mencken and Nathan's Ninth Law of The Average American:
- The quality of a champagne is judged by the amount of noise the
-cork makes when it is popped.
-%
-Mencken and Nathan's Second Law of The Average American:
- All the postmasters in small towns read all the postcards.
-%
-Mencken and Nathan's Sixteenth Law of The Average American:
- Milking a cow is an operation demanding a special talent that
-is possessed only by yokels, and no person born in a large city can
-never hope to acquire it.
-%
Menu, n.:
A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
%
@@ -8926,17 +9860,6 @@ hackers. See PHASE OF THE MOON. 2. Dave Moon (MOON@MC).
Mophobia, n.:
Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
%
- MORE SPORTS RESULTS:
-The Beverly Hills Freudians tied the Chicago Rogerians 0-0 last
-Saturday night. The match started with a long period of silence while
-the Freudians waited for the Rogerians to free associate and the
-Rogerians waited for the Freudians to say something they could
-paraphrase. The stalemate was broken when the Freudians' best player
-took the offensive and interpreted the Rogerians' silence as reflecting
-their anal-retentive personalities. At this the Rogerians' star player
-said "I hear you saying you think we're full of ka-ka." This started a
-fight and the match was called by officials.
-%
More than any time in history, mankind now faces a crossroads. One
path leads to despair and utter hopelessness, the other to total
extinction. Let us pray that we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
@@ -8983,7 +9906,7 @@ Truman Henry Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his
pantaloons over the tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes
in their sockets, sometimes smiling and talking, and then seeming to be
in an agony, until, in not more than one minute, said he,
-133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!" An electronic
+133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!" An electronic
computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be as much
fun to watch.
-- James R. Newman (The World of Mathematics)
@@ -9003,26 +9926,6 @@ Murphy's Law of Research:
"Murphy's Law, that brash proletarian restatement of Godel's Theorem ..."
-- Thomas Pynchon, "Gravity's Rainbow"
%
- Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring
-Chile. Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping
-pictures. One day, without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret
-military installation. In an instant, armed troops surround Murray and
-Esther and hustle them off to prison.
- They can't prove who they are because they've left their
-passports in their hotel room. For three weeks they're tortured day
-and night to get them to name their contacts in the liberation
-movement.. Finally they're hauled in front of a military court,
-charged with espionage, and sentenced to death.
- The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where
-they'll be shot. The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them
-if they have any lasts requests. Esther wants to know if she can call
-her daughter in Chicago. The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not
-possible, and turns to Murray.
- "This is crazy!" Murray shouts. "We're not spies!" And he
-spits in the sergeants face.
- "Murray!" Esther cries. "Please! Don't make trouble."
- -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
Mustgo, n.:
Any item of food that has been sitting in the refrigerator so
long it has become a science project.
@@ -9061,16 +9964,6 @@ log out again.
"My life is a soap opera, but who has the rights?"
-- MadameX
%
-My love runs by like a day in June,
- And he makes no friends of sorrows.
-He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
- In the pathway or the morrows.
-He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
- Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
-My own dear love, he is all my heart --
- And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
- -- Dorothy Parker
-%
My love, he's mad, and my love, he's fleet,
And a wild young wood-thing bore him!
The ways are fair to his roaming feet,
@@ -9081,6 +9974,16 @@ My own dear love, he is all my dreams --
And I wish he were in Asia.
-- Dorothy Parker
%
+My love runs by like a day in June,
+ And he makes no friends of sorrows.
+He'll tread his galloping rigadoon
+ In the pathway or the morrows.
+He'll live his days where the sunbeams start
+ Nor could storm or wind uproot him.
+My own dear love, he is all my heart --
+ And I wish somebody'd shoot him.
+ -- Dorothy Parker
+%
My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been
one.
-- Groucho Marx
@@ -9097,9 +10000,6 @@ My own dear love, he is all my world --
And I wish I'd never met him.
-- Dorothy Parker
%
-... My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
-Alley!!
-%
"My pants just went on a wild rampage through a Long Island Bowling
Alley!!"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
@@ -9122,14 +10022,6 @@ origin, early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
from the true accounts which it invents later.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
- n = ((n >> 1) & 0x55555555) | ((n << 1) & 0xaaaaaaaa);
- n = ((n >> 2) & 0x33333333) | ((n << 2) & 0xcccccccc);
- n = ((n >> 4) & 0x0f0f0f0f) | ((n << 4) & 0xf0f0f0f0);
- n = ((n >> 8) & 0x00ff00ff) | ((n << 8) & 0xff00ff00);
- n = ((n >> 16) & 0x0000ffff) | ((n << 16) & 0xffff0000);
-
- -- C code which reverses the bits in a word.
-%
Naeser's Law:
You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it
damnfoolproof.
@@ -9138,7 +10030,7 @@ NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe? Everything he
says is wrong.
GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency, and then everything he says
will be right.
- -- G. B. Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
+ -- George Bernard Shaw, "The Man of Destiny"
%
Nasrudin called at a large house to collect for charity. The servant
said "My master is out." Nasrudin replied, "Tell your master that next
@@ -9169,6 +10061,10 @@ meat from his hand. As the bird flew off, Nasrudin called after it,
"Foolish bird! You have the liver, but what can you do with it without
the recipe?"
%
+Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of
+scorn to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams.
+ -- Mary Ellen Kelly
+%
Nature abhors a hero. For one thing, he violates the law of
conservation of energy. For another, how can it be the survival of the
fittest when the fittest keeps putting himself in situations where he
@@ -9196,8 +10092,6 @@ Neckties strangle clear thinking.
%
Never be led astray onto the path of virtue.
%
-Never call a man a fool. Borrow from him.
-%
Never call a man a fool; borrow from him.
%
Never commit yourself! Let someone else commit you.
@@ -9279,9 +10173,6 @@ NEWS FLASH!!
Today the East German pole-vault champion became the West
German pole-vault champion.
%
- *** NEWSFLASH ***
-Russian tanks steamrolling through New Jersey!!!! Details at eleven!
-%
Newton's Fourth Law: Every action has an equal and opposite satisfaction.
%
Newton's Little-Known Seventh Law:
@@ -9347,6 +10238,9 @@ camel -- anything as practical and as perfectly designed to perform
effectively under such difficult conditions.
-- Laurence J. Peter
%
+"No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'"
+ -- Dr. Who
+%
No good deed goes unpunished.
-- Clare Boothe Luce
%
@@ -9367,6 +10261,9 @@ No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.
%
"No one gets too old to learn a new way of being stupid."
%
+No one has a higher opinion of him than he has.
+ -- Greg Lehey, FreeBSDcon 1999
+%
No part of this message may reproduce, store itself in a retrieval
system, or transmit disease, in any form, without the permissiveness of
the author.
@@ -9408,13 +10305,6 @@ paper."
-- Mike Royko on the Chicago Sun-Times after it was
taken over by Rupert Murdoch
%
- No violence, gentlemen -- no violence, I beg of you! Consider
-the furniture!
- -- Sherlock Holmes
-%
-"No, `Eureka' is Greek for `This bath is too hot.'"
- -- Dr. Who
-%
Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing
it.
-- Tallulah Bankhead
@@ -9432,19 +10322,17 @@ and rob the old.
Nobody wants constructive criticism. It's all we can do to put up with
constructive praise.
%
-Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
- Negative expectations yield negative results.
- Positive expectations yield negative results.
-%
-Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
-%
Noncombatant, n.:
A dead Quaker.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong.
%
-"Nondeterminism means never having to say you are wrong."
+Non-Reciprocal Laws of Expectations:
+ Negative expectations yield negative results.
+ Positive expectations yield negative results.
+%
+Non-sequiturs make me eat lampshades.
%
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
%
@@ -9541,54 +10429,19 @@ were good for food and the fruits thereof he labeled SUNKIST ..."
smurfette."
-- P. Buhr, Computer Science 354
%
-... Now you're ready for the actual shopping. Your goal should be to
-get it over with as quickly as possible, because the longer you stay in
-the mall, the longer your children will have to listen to holiday songs
-on the mall public-address system, and many of these songs can damage
-children emotionally. For example: "Frosty the Snowman" is about a
-snowman who befriends some children, plays with them until they learn
-to love him, then melts. And "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" is about
-a young reindeer who, because of a physical deformity, is treated as an
-outcast by the other reindeer. Then along comes good, old Santa. Does
-he ignore the deformity? Does he look past Rudolph's nose and respect
-Rudolph for the sensitive reindeer he is underneath? No. Santa asks
-Rudolph to guide his sleigh, as if Rudolph were nothing more than some
-kind of headlight with legs and a tail. So unless you want your
-children exposed to this kind of insensitivity, you should shop
-quickly.
- -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
-%
- Now, you might ask, "How do I get one of those complete home
-tool sets for under $4?" An excellent question.
- Go to one of those really cheap discount stores where they sell
-plastic furniture in colors visible from the planet Neptune and where
-they have a food section specializing in cardboard cartons full of
-Raisinets and malted milk balls manufactured during the Nixon
-administration. In either the hardware or housewares department,
-you'll find an item imported from an obscure Oriental country and
-described as "Nine Tools in One", consisting of a little handle with
-interchangeable ends representing inscrutable Oriental notions of tools
-that Americans might use around the home. Buy it.
- This is the kind of tool set professionals use. Not only is it
-inexpensive, but it also has a great safety feature not found in the
-so-called quality tools sets: The handle will actually break right off
-if you accidentally hit yourself or anything else, or expose it to
-direct sunlight.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
+[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
+ -- Edwin Meese III
%
"Nuclear war can ruin your whole compile."
-- Karl Lehenbauer
%
-"Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
+"Nuclear war would mean abolition of most comforts, and disruption of
normal routines, for children and adults alike."
-- Willard F. Libby, "You *Can* Survive Atomic Attack"
%
"Nuclear war would really set back cable."
-- Ted Turner
%
-[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
- -- Edwin Meese III
-%
Nudists are people who wear one-button suits.
%
(null cookie; hope that's ok)
@@ -9603,12 +10456,6 @@ Where seldom is heard
A discouraging word,
'Cause what can an antelope say?
%
-O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
- Murphy was an optimist.
-%
-"Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a
-fake?"
-%
Of all possible committee reactions to any given agenda item, the
reaction that will occur is the one which will liberate the greatest
amount of hot air.
@@ -9623,6 +10470,9 @@ The man who kills both which and whom
Will be enshrined in our Who's Whom.
-- Fletcher Knebel
%
+"Of ______course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a
+fake?"
+%
"Of course power tools and alcohol don't mix. Everyone knows power
tools aren't soluble in alcohol ..."
-- Crazy Nigel
@@ -9725,16 +10575,6 @@ nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter
what it does.
-- Will Rogers
%
- On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
-receipts of $65. The next day his take was $67. The third day's
-income was $62. But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
-$283 on the desk before the cashier.
- "Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier. "This is fantastic. That
-route never brought in money like this! What happened?"
- "Well, after three days on that cockamamie route, I figured
-business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
-worked there. I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
-%
On Monday mornings I am dedicated to the proposition that all men are
created jerks.
-- Avery
@@ -9758,14 +10598,14 @@ answers come out?' I am not able rightly to apprehend the kind of
confusion of ideas that could provoke such a question."
-- Charles Babbage
%
-On-line, adj.:
- The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
-computer.
-%
Once ... in the wilds of Afghanistan, I lost my corkscrew, and we were
forced to live on nothing but food and water for days.
-- W. C. Fields, "My Little Chickadee"
%
+Once, adv.:
+ Enough.
+ -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
+%
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that
each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his
choice.
@@ -9804,35 +10644,12 @@ which makes it possible for each to see each other whole against the
sky.
-- Rainer Rilke
%
- Once there lived a village of creatures along the bottom of a
-great crystal river. Each creature in its own manner clung tightly to
-the twigs and rocks of the river bottom, for clinging was their way of
-life, and resisting the current what each had learned from birth. But
-one creature said at last, "I trust that the current knows where it is
-going. I shall let go, and let it take me where it will. Clinging, I
-shall die of boredom."
- The other creatures laughed and said, "Fool! Let go, and that
-current you worship will throw you tumbled and smashed across the
-rocks, and you will die quicker than boredom!"
- But the one heeded them not, and taking a breath did let go,
-and at once was tumbled and smashed by the current across the rocks.
-Yet, in time, as the creature refused to cling again, the current
-lifted him free from the bottom, and he was bruised and hurt no more.
- And the creatures downstream, to whom he was a stranger, cried,
-"See a miracle! A creature like ourselves, yet he flies! See the
-Messiah, come to save us all!" And the one carried in the current
-said, "I am no more Messiah than you. The river delight to lift us
-free, if only we dare let go. Our true work is this voyage, this
-adventure.
- But they cried the more, "Saviour!" all the while clinging to
-the rocks, making legends of a Saviour.
-%
Once upon a time, when I was training to be a mathematician, a group of
us bright young students taking number theory discovered the names of
the smaller prime numbers.
2: The Odd Prime --
- It's the only even prime, therefore is odd. QED.
+ It's the only even prime, therefore it's odd. QED.
3: The True Prime --
Lewis Carroll: "If I tell you three times, it's true."
31: The Arbitrary Prime --
@@ -9846,18 +10663,6 @@ Since the composite numbers are formed from primes, their qualities are
derived from those primes. So, for instance, the number 6 is "odd but
true", while the powers of 2 are all extremely odd numbers.
%
-... Once you're safely in the mall, you should tie your children to you
-with ropes so the other shoppers won't try to buy them. Holiday
-shoppers have been whipped into a frenzy by months of holiday
-advertisements, and they will buy anything small enough to stuff into a
-shopping bag. If your children object to being tied, threaten to take
-them to see Santa Claus; that ought to shut them up.
- -- Dave Barry, "Christmas Shopping: A Survivor's Guide"
-%
-Once, adv.:
- Enough.
- -- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
-%
One advantage of talking to yourself is that you know at least
somebody's listening.
-- Franklin P. Jones
@@ -9868,12 +10673,12 @@ Having been on USENET for going on ten years, I disagree with this.
The basic notion underlying USENET is the flame.
-- Chuq Von Rospach
%
-One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
-%
One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing
how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette.
-- Professor Charles P. Issawi
%
+One can't proceed from the informal to the formal by formal means.
+%
One day the King decided that he would force all his subjects to tell
the truth. A gallows was erected in front of the city gates. A herald
announced, "Whoever would enter the city must first answer the truth to
@@ -9922,53 +10727,17 @@ One of the lessons of history is that nothing is often a good thing to
do and always a clever thing to say.
-- Will Durant
%
-"... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that,
-lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of
-their C programs."
- -- Robert Firth
-%
One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God
create goyim?" The generally accepted answer is "________somebody has to buy
retail."
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
- One of the questions that comes up all the time is: How
-enthusiastic is our support for UNIX?
- Unix was written on our machines and for our machines many
-years ago. Today, much of UNIX being done is done on our machines.
-Ten percent of our VAXs are going for UNIX use. UNIX is a simple
-language, easy to understand, easy to get started with. It's great for
-students, great for somewhat casual users, and it's great for
-interchanging programs between different machines. And so, because of
-its popularity in these markets, we support it. We have good UNIX on
-VAX and good UNIX on PDP-11s.
- It is our belief, however, that serious professional users will
-run out of things they can do with UNIX. They'll want a real system and
-will end up doing VMS when they get to be serious about programming.
- With UNIX, if you're looking for something, you can easily and
-quickly check that small manual and find out that it's not there. With
-VMS, no matter what you look for -- it's literally a five-foot shelf of
-documentation -- if you look long enough it's there. That's the
-difference -- the beauty of UNIX is it's simple; and the beauty of VMS
-is that it's all there.
- -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, 1984
-%
One of the rules of Busmanship, New York style, is never surrender your
seat to another passenger. This may seem callous, but it is the best
way, really. If one passenger were to give a seat to someone who
fainted in the aisle, say, the others on the bus would become
disoriented and imagine they were in Topeka, Kansas.
%
-The Seventh Commandments for Technicians
- Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
-fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in
-other ways.
-%
-The First Commandment for Technicians:
- Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
-capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
-untechnician-like manner.
-%
One Page Principle:
A specification that will not fit on one page of 8.5x11 inch
paper cannot be understood.
@@ -10024,6 +10793,10 @@ One-Shot Case Study, n.:
it is concluded all clovers possess four leaves and are sometimes
green.
%
+On-line, adj.:
+ The idea that a human being should always be accessible to a
+computer.
+%
Only adults have difficulty with childproof caps.
%
Only God can make random selections.
@@ -10035,8 +10808,6 @@ Only through hard work and perseverance can one truly suffer.
%
Optimization hinders evolution.
%
-Optimization hinders evolution.
-%
Oregano, n.:
The ancient Italian art of pizza folding.
%
@@ -10054,6 +10825,9 @@ Osborn's Law:
Others will look to you for stability, so hide when you bite your
nails.
%
+O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law:
+ Murphy was an optimist.
+%
Our country has plenty of good five-cent cigars, but the trouble is
they charge fifteen cents for them.
%
@@ -10076,34 +10850,12 @@ Our OS who art in CPU, UNIX be thy name.
Our policy is, when in doubt, do the right thing.
-- Roy L. Ash, ex-president Litton Industries
%
-... Our second completely true news item was sent to me by Mr. H. Boyce
-Connell Jr. of Atlanta, Ga., where he is involved in a law firm. One
-thing I like about the South is, folks there care about tradition. If
-somebody gets handed a name like "H. Boyce," he hangs on to it, puts it
-on his legal stationery, even passes it to his son, rather than do what
-a lesser person would do, such as get it changed or kill himself.
- -- Dave Barry, "This Column is Nothing but the Truth!"
-%
-"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."
- -- Alex Schure
-%
"Our vision is to speed up time, eventually eliminating it."
-- Alex Schure
%
Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants.
-- General Omar N. Bradley
%
- OUTCONERR
-Twas FORTRAN as the doloop goes
- Did logzerneg the ifthen block
-All kludgy were the function flows
- And subroutines adhoc.
-
-Beware the runtime-bug my friend
- squrooneg, the false goto
-Beware the infiniteloop
- And shun the inprectoo.
-%
"Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend: and inside a dog,
it's too dark to read."
-- Groucho Marx
@@ -10148,6 +10900,8 @@ Paranoids are people, too; they have their own problems. It's easy to
criticize, but if everybody hated you, you'd be paranoid too.
-- D. J. Hicks
%
+Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
+%
Pardo's First Postulate:
Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral, or
fattening.
@@ -10155,8 +10909,6 @@ fattening.
Arnold's Addendum:
Everything else causes cancer in rats.
%
-Pardon this fortune. Database under reconstruction.
-%
Parker's Law:
Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
%
@@ -10180,14 +10932,14 @@ Parts that positively cannot be assembled in improper order will be.
"Pascal is Pascal is Pascal is dog meat."
-- M. Devine and P. Larson, Computer Science 340
%
-Pascal Users:
- To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
-death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
-%
Pascal, n.:
A programming language named after a man who would turn over in
his grave if he knew about it.
%
+Pascal Users:
+ To show respect for the 313th anniversary (tomorrow) of the
+death of Blaise Pascal, your programs will be run at half speed.
+%
Passionate hatred can give meaning and purpose to an empty life.
-- Eric Hoffer
%
@@ -10277,6 +11029,12 @@ when there is no longer anything to take away.
%
Personifiers Unite! You have nothing to lose but Mr. Dignity!
%
+Peter Wemm Murphy Field, n.:
+ A field of abnormally frequent and severe Murphy's Law events
+emanating from Mr. Peter Wemm. The field was first discovered and
+identified in Denmark during the initial FreeBSD SMP development.
+Mr. Wemm was residing in Australia at the time.
+%
Peter's Law of Substitution:
Look after the molehills, and the mountains will look after
themselves.
@@ -10314,39 +11072,9 @@ American Express card and a weapon. The world is yours today, as
nobody else wants it. Your mortgage will be foreclosed. You will
probably get run over by a bus.
%
- Pittsburgh Driver's Test
-
-(7) The car directly in front of you has a flashing right tail light
- but a steady left tail light. This means
-
- (a) one of the tail lights is broken; you should blow your horn
- to call the problem to the driver's attention.
- (b) the driver is signaling a right turn.
- (c) the driver is signaling a left turn.
- (d) the driver is from out of town.
-
-The correct answer is (d). Tail lights are used in some foreign
-countries to signal turns.
-%
- Pittsburgh Driver's Test
-
-(8) Pedestrians are
-
- (a) irrelevant.
- (b) communists.
- (c) a nuisance.
- (d) difficult to clean off the front grille.
-
-The correct answer is (a). Pedestrians are not in cars, so they are
-totally irrelevant to driving; you should ignore them completely.
-%
Pity the meek, for they shall inherit the earth.
-- Don Marquis
%
-PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more to the problem set than to the
-solution set.
- -- E. W. Dijkstra
-%
"Plaese porrf raed."
-- Prof. Michael O'Longhlin, S.U.N.Y. Purchase
%
@@ -10375,20 +11103,6 @@ and such.
%
Please, won't somebody tell me what diddie-wa-diddie means?
%
- Plumbing is one of the easier of do-it-yourself activities,
-requiring only a few simple tools and a willingness to stick your arm
-into a clogged toilet. In fact, you can solve many home plumbing
-problems, such as annoying faucet drip, merely by turning up the
-radio. But before we get into specific techniques, let's look at how
-plumbing works.
- A plumbing system is very much like your electrical system,
-except that instead of electricity, it has water, and instead of wires,
-it has pipes, and instead of radios and waffle irons, it has faucets
-and toilets. So the truth is that your plumbing systems is nothing at
-all like your electrical system, which is good, because electricity can
-kill you.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
PLUNDERER'S THEME
(to Supercalifragilisticexpialidocius)
@@ -10476,6 +11190,9 @@ Pound for pound, the amoeba is the most vicious animal on earth.
%
Power corrupts. And atomic power corrupts atomically.
%
+Power corrupts. Powerpoint corrupts absolutely.
+ -- Vint Cerf
+%
Power, n:
The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
%
@@ -10524,6 +11241,12 @@ Eng. 130 midterm. Once again no student received a single point on
his exam. Newell has now tossed five shutouts this quarter. Newell's
earned exam average has now dropped to a phenomenal 30%
%
+Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to
+build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying
+to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
+
+ -- Rich Cook
+%
Proof techniques #1: Proof by Induction.
This technique is used on equations with "_n" in them. Induction
@@ -10545,7 +11268,7 @@ Proof techniques #2: Proof by Oddity.
(2) They have two legs in back and fore legs in front.
(3) This makes a total of six legs, which certainly is an odd number of
legs for a horse.
-(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
+(4) But the only number that is both odd and even is infinity.
(5) Therefore, horses must have an infinite number of legs.
Topics to be covered in future issues include proof by:
@@ -10652,10 +11375,10 @@ A: One per person.
Q: How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A: Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
%
-Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat ?
+Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat?
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
%
-Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
+Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat?
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
Q: How long does it take?
@@ -10963,13 +11686,6 @@ That made it, paired by dot;
Now, GC, for the nonce,
Thou shalt reclaim it not.
%
- "Reflections on Ice-Breaking"
-Candy
-Is dandy
-But liquor
-Is quicker.
- -- Ogden Nash
-%
"Reintegration complete," ZORAC advised. "We're back in the universe
again ..." An unusually long pause followed, "... but I don't know
which part. We seem to have changed our position in space." A
@@ -10994,34 +11710,30 @@ Religion has done love a great service by making it a sin.
it."
-- Dave Barry
%
-Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
-worse in Cleveland.
- -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
+Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
+ -- Dave Butler
%
Remember, drive defensively! And of course, the best defense is a good
offense!
%
Remember, even if you win the rat race -- you're still a rat.
%
-Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
+Remember that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be
+worse in Cleveland.
+ -- National Lampoon, "Deteriorata"
%
-Remember: Silly is a state of Mind, Stupid is a way of Life.
- -- Dave Butler
+Remember, UNIX spelled backwards is XINU.
%
Renning's Maxim:
Man is the highest animal. Man does the classifying.
%
-Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western
- Civilization?
-Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
-%
Reporter, n.:
A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a
tempest of words.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?
-
+
SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that
the country folk in my state like to say. It goes like this: "You can
carry a pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away."
@@ -11035,6 +11747,10 @@ that's just the kind of straight-talking honest person I am, and I
can't help it.
-- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
%
+Reporter (to Mahatma Gandhi): Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western
+ Civilization?
+Gandhi: I think it would be a good idea.
+%
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
-- Wernher von Braun
%
@@ -11077,14 +11793,14 @@ Rocky's Lemma of Innovation Prevention
Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will
reject the proposal.
%
-Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
- -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With
- Pogo"
-%
ROMEO: Courage, man; the hurt cannot be much.
MERCUTIO: No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church-
door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve.
%
+Romeo wasn't bilked in a day.
+ -- Walt Kelly, "Ten Ever-Lovin' Blue-Eyed Years With
+ Pogo"
+%
Rudin's Law:
If there is a wrong way to do something, most people will do it
every time.
@@ -11110,6 +11826,10 @@ Rule of the Great:
When people you greatly admire appear to be thinking deep
thoughts, they probably are thinking about lunch.
%
+Rules:
+ (1) The boss is always right.
+ (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
+%
Rules for Academic Deans:
(1) HIDE!!!!
(2) If they find you, LIE!!!!
@@ -11140,44 +11860,6 @@ RULES OF EATING -- THE BRONX DIETER'S CREED
(11) Avoid blue food.
-- Richard Smit, "The Bronx Diet"
%
-Rules:
- (1) The boss is always right.
- (2) When the boss is wrong, refer to rule 1.
-%
- Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
- Tip #1: How to tell when you are dead.
-
-(1) Little things start bothering you: little things like worms, bugs,
- ants.
-(2) Something is missing in your personal relationships.
-(3) Your dog becomes overly affectionate.
-(4) You have a hard time getting a waiter.
-(5) Exotic birds flock around you.
-(6) People ignore you at parties.
-(7) You have a hard time getting up in the morning.
-(8) You no longer get off on cocaine.
-%
- Safety Tips for the Post-Nuclear Existence
-(1) Never use an elevator in a building that has been hit by a nuclear
- bomb; use the stairs.
-(2) When you're flying through the air, remember to roll when you hit
- the ground.
-(3) If you're on fire, avoid gasoline and other flammable materials.
-(4) Don't attempt communication with dead people; it will only lead to
- psychological problems.
-(5) Food will be scarce; you will have to scavenge. Learn to
- recognize foods that will be available after the bomb: mashed
- potatoes, shredded wheat, tossed salad, ground beef, etc.
-(6) Put your hand over your mouth when you sneeze; internal organs
- will be scarce in the post-nuclear age.
-(7) Try to be neat; fall only in designated piles.
-(8) Drive carefully in "Heavy Fallout" areas; people could be
- staggering illegally.
-(9) Nutritionally, hundred dollar bills are equal to ones, but more
- sanitary due to limited circulation.
-(10) Accumulate mannequins now; spare parts will be in short supply on
- D-Day.
-%
SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless
tendency to rely on luck since you lack talent. The majority
@@ -11217,10 +11899,10 @@ Sauron is alive in Argentina!
%
Save energy: be apathetic.
%
-Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
-%
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
%
+Save the Whales -- Harpoon a Honda.
+%
"Saw a sign on a restaurant that said Breakfast, any time -- so I
ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
-- Steven Wright
@@ -11335,7 +12017,7 @@ Seminars, n.:
From "semi" and "arse", hence, any half-assed discussion.
%
Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
- notify you if the record has pornographics material or
+ notify you if the record has pornographic material or
material glorifying violence?"
Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's
@@ -11357,17 +12039,6 @@ Serocki's Stricture:
%
Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.
%
- "Seven years and six months!" Humpty Dumpty repeated
-thoughtfully. "An uncomfortable sort of age. Now if you'd asked MY
-advice, I'd have said `Leave off at seven' -- but it's too late now."
- "I never ask advice about growing," Alice said indignantly.
- "Too proud?" the other enquired.
- Alice felt even more indignant at this suggestion. "I mean,"
-she said, "that one can't help growing older."
- "ONE can't, perhaps," said Humpty Dumpty; "but TWO can. With
-proper assistance, you might have left off at seven."
- -- Lewis Carroll
-%
Several years ago, some smart businessmen had an idea: Why not build a
big store where a do-it-yourselfer could get everything he needed at
reasonable prices? Then they decided, nah, the hell with that, let's
@@ -11425,13 +12096,13 @@ have poured on a waffle ...
you should hear me play piano.'"
-- Morrisey
%
-She's genuinely bogus.
-%
"Sherry [Thomas Sheridan] is dull, naturally dull; but it must have
taken him a great deal of pains to become what we now see him. Such an
excess of stupidity, sir, is not in Nature."
-- Samuel Johnson
%
+She's genuinely bogus.
+%
SHIFT TO THE LEFT! SHIFT TO THE RIGHT!
POP UP, PUSH DOWN, BYTE, BYTE, BYTE!
%
@@ -11440,6 +12111,8 @@ playing golf with his boss.
%
Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
%
+Signals don't kill programs. Programs kill programs.
+%
Signs of crime: screaming or cries for help.
-- from the Brown Security Crime Prevention Pamphlet
%
@@ -11517,9 +12190,6 @@ it sits in the dish too long.
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
-- Fletcher Knebel
%
-Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
- -- Fletcher Knebel
-%
Snacktrek, n.:
The peculiar habit, when searching for a snack, of constantly
returning to the refrigerator in hopes that something new will have
@@ -11544,33 +12214,6 @@ So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in
praise of intelligence.
-- Bertrand Russell
%
-... so long as the people do not care to exercise their freedom, those
-who wish to tyrranize will do so; for tyrants are active and ardent,
-and will devote themselves in the name of any number of gods, religious
-and otherwise, to put shackles upon sleeping men.
- -- Voltarine de Cleyre
-%
- So Richard and I decided to try to catch [the small shark].
-With a great deal of strategy and effort and shouting, we managed to
-maneuver the shark, over the course of about a half-hour, to a sort of
-corner of the lagoon, so that it had no way to escape other than to
-flop up onto the land and evolve. Richard and I were inching toward
-it, sort of crouched over, when all of a sudden it turned around and --
-I can still remember the sensation I felt at that moment, primarily in
-the armpit area -- headed right straight toward us.
- Many people would have panicked at this point. But Richard and
-I were not "many people." We were experienced waders, and we kept our
-heads. We did exactly what the textbook says you should do when you're
-unarmed and a shark that is nearly two feet long turns on you in water
-up to your lower calves: We sprinted I would say 600 yards in the
-opposite direction, using a sprinting style such that the bottoms of
-our feet never once went below the surface of the water. We ran all
-the way to the far shore, and if we had been in a Warner Brothers
-cartoon we would have run right INTO the beach, and you would have seen
-these two mounds of sand racing across the island until they bonked
-into trees and coconuts fell onto their heads.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
-%
"So she went into the garden to cut a cabbage leaf to make an apple
pie; and at the same time a great she-bear, coming up the street pops
its head into the shop. "What! no soap?" So he died, and she very
@@ -11580,23 +12223,6 @@ and they all fell to playing the game of catch as catch can, till the
gunpowder ran out at the heels of their boots."
-- Samuel Foote
%
-... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
-procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
-to infest the waters. I would estimate that the primary food source of
-sharks today is bleeding fish pieces scattered by people making
-documentaries. Once the sharks arrive, they are generally fairly
-listless. The general shark attitude seems to be: "Oh God, another
-documentary." So the divers have to somehow goad them into attacking,
-under the guise of Scientific Research. "We know very little about the
-effect of electricity on sharks," the narrator will say, in a deeply
-scientific voice. "That is why Todd is going to jab this Great White
-in the testicles with a cattle prod." The divers keep this kind of
-thing up until the shark finally gets irritated and snaps at them, and
-then they act as though this was a totally unexpected and very
-dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all
-along.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Wonders of Sharks on TV"
-%
So, what's with this guy Gideon, anyway? And why can't he ever
remember his Bible?
%
@@ -11677,6 +12303,8 @@ the only ashtray."
Sometimes I worry about being a success in a mediocre world.
-- Lily Tomlin
%
+Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
+%
"Somewhere", said Father Vittorini, "did Blake not speak of the
Machineries of Joy? That is, did not God promote environments, then
intimidate these Natures by provoking the existence of flesh, toy men
@@ -11687,8 +12315,6 @@ we not God's Machineries of Joy?"
"If Blake said that", said Father Brian, "he never lived in Dublin."
-- R. Bradbury, "The Machineries of Joy"
%
-Somewhere, just out of sight, the unicorns are gathering.
-%
Song Title of the Week:
"They're putting dimes in the hole in my head to see the change
in me."
@@ -11696,10 +12322,10 @@ in me."
Sooner or later you must pay for your sins. (Those who have already
paid may disregard this fortune).
%
-Sorry, no fortune this time.
-%
Sorry. I forget what I was going to say.
%
+Sorry, no fortune this time.
+%
Space is big. You just won't believe how vastly, hugely, mind-
bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it's a long way down the
road to the drug store, but that's just peanuts to space.
@@ -11726,7 +12352,7 @@ For he can thoroughly enjoy
The pepper when he pleases!
Wow! wow! wow!
- -- Lewis Carrol, "Alice in Wonderland"
+ -- Lewis Carroll, "Alice in Wonderland"
%
Speak roughly to your little VAX,
And boot it when it crashes;
@@ -11874,16 +12500,16 @@ Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.
%
Sure he's sharp as a razor ... he's a two-dimensional pinhead!
%
-Surprise due today. Also the rent.
-%
-Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
-%
Surprise! You are the lucky winner of random I.R.S. Audit! Just type
in your name and social security number. Please remember that leaving
the room is punishable under law:
Name #
%
+Surprise due today. Also the rent.
+%
+Surprise your boss. Get to work on time.
+%
Swahili, n.:
The language used by the National Enquirer to print their
retractions.
@@ -11909,29 +12535,6 @@ Systems have sub-systems and sub-systems have sub-systems and so on ad
infinitum -- which is why we're always starting over.
-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
- _
- _ / \ o
- / \ | | o o o
- | | | | _ o o o o
- | \_| | / \ o o o
- \__ | | | o o
- | | | | ______ ~~~~ _____
- | |__/ | / ___--\\ ~~~ __/_____\__
- | ___/ / \--\\ \\ \ ___ <__ x x __\
- | | / /\\ \\ )) \ ( " )
- | | -------(---->>(@)--(@)-------\----------< >-----------
- | | // | | //__________ / \ ____) (___ \\
- | | // __|_| ( --------- ) //// ______ /////\ \\
- // | ( \ ______ / <<<< <>-----<<<<< / \\
- // ( ) / / \` \__ \\
- //-------------------------------------------------------------\\
-
-Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels
-start closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
-then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the
-music at top volume and at least a pint of ether.
- -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
-%
T: One big monster, he called TROLL.
He don't rock, and he don't roll;
Drink no wine, and smoke no stogies.
@@ -12057,7 +12660,7 @@ Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
-- C. G. Jung, in Psychological Types
-(Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church).
+(Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church).
%
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
%
@@ -12082,10 +12685,6 @@ That woman speaks eight languages and can't say "no" in any of them.
%
The 80's -- when you can't tell hairstyles from chemotherapy.
%
-The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by
-people who want some.
- -- Dwight MacDonald
-%
The Abrams' Principle:
The shortest distance between two points is off the wall.
%
@@ -12093,7 +12692,7 @@ The advertisement is the most truthful part of a newspaper
-- Thomas Jefferson
%
The Advertising Agency Song:
-
+
When your client's hopping mad,
Put his picture in the ad.
If he still should prove refractory,
@@ -12103,11 +12702,18 @@ The Advertising Agency Song:
someone with it."
-- M. Devine, Computer Science 340
%
-... The Anarchists' [national] anthem is an international anthem that
-consists of 365 raspberries blown in very quick succession to the tune
-of "Camptown Races". Nobody has to stand up for it, nobody has to
-listen to it, and, even better, nobody has to play it.
- -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
+The answer is that libdialog, the library on which sysinstall depends
+for these menus, is genuinely evil. It is the unloved, satanic
+bastard child of multiple parents and torturing users like yourself
+constitutes the only joy in life it has left. Its source files are
+all chmod'd 0666 and dire README files warn against trespass by
+neophyte programmers. It is the 7th gate of Hell. It makes the baby
+Jesus cry. Were libdialog given anthropomorphic representation, it
+would be promptly burnt at the stake and its ashes scattered in the
+desert, to be then doused with holy water from altitude by
+fire-fighting aircraft.
+
+ -- Jordan K. Hubbard on the evils of libdialog
%
The Arkansas legislature passed a law that states that the Arkansas
River can rise no higher than to the Main Street bridge in Little
@@ -12385,7 +12991,7 @@ symposium to follow.
%
The English have no respect for their language, and will not teach
their children to speak it.
- -- G. B. Shaw
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
%
The fact that boys are allowed to exist at all is evidence of a
remarkable Christian forbearance among men.
@@ -12400,6 +13006,11 @@ The faster we go, the rounder we get.
The Fifth Rule:
You have taken yourself too seriously.
%
+The First Commandment for Technicians:
+ Beware the lightening that lurketh in the undischarged
+capacitor, lest it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most
+untechnician-like manner.
+%
The first duty of a revolutionary is to get away with it.
-- Abbie Hoffman
%
@@ -12476,6 +13087,10 @@ blocks form a line parallel to the track axis. This line moves
parallel to the sector axis, wrapping around when it reaches the edge
of the hyper-cube.
%
+The [Ford Foundation] is a large body of money completely surrounded by
+people who want some.
+ -- Dwight MacDonald
+%
The fortune program is supported, in part, by user contributions and by
a major grant from the National Endowment for the Inanities.
%
@@ -12520,29 +13135,6 @@ man in the bonds of Hell."
The good die young -- because they see it's no use living if you've got
to be good.
%
- "The Good Ship Enterprise" (to the tune of "The Good Ship Lollipop")
-
-On the good ship Enterprise
-Every week there's a new surprise
-Where the Romulans lurk
-And the Klingons often go berserk.
-
-Yes, the good ship Enterprise
-There's excitement anywhere it flies
-Where Tribbles play
-And Nurse Chapel never gets her way.
-
- See Captain Kirk standing on the bridge,
- Mr. Spock is at his side.
- The weekly menace, ooh-ooh
- It gets fried, scattered far and wide.
-
-It's the good ship Enterprise
-Heading out where danger lies
-And you live in dread
-If you're wearing a shirt that's red.
- -- Doris Robin and Karen Trimble of The L.A. Filkharmonics
-%
The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of
statistics. These are raised to the _nth degree, the cube roots are
extracted, and the results are arranged into elaborate and impressive
@@ -12556,7 +13148,7 @@ who have seen it, as one of the finest spectacles in nature.
-- Benjamin Franklin.
%
The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
- The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
+ The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in
courtship, his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk
clerks. Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods
of time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
@@ -12615,9 +13207,6 @@ procession but carrying a banner.
-- Mark Twain
%
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
- -- Ashley Montagu
-%
-The idea is to die young as late as possible.
-- Ashley Montague
%
The idea there was that consumers would bring their broken electronic
@@ -12687,133 +13276,21 @@ word processor.', I replied, `They used to say the same thing about
drugs.'
-- Roy Blount, Jr.
%
-The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
-law free.
- -- Henry David Thoreau
-%
The Law, in its majestic equality, forbids the rich, as well as the
poor, to sleep under the bridges, to beg in the streets, and to steal
bread.
-- Anatole France
%
+The law will never make men free; it is men who have got to make the
+law free.
+ -- Henry David Thoreau
+%
"The lawgiver, of all beings, most owes the law allegiance. He of all
men should behave as though the law compelled him. But it is the
universal weakness of mankind that what we are given to administer we
presently imagine we own."
-- H.G. Wells
%
- THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #10: SIMPLE
-
-SIMPLE is an acronym for Sheer Idiot's Monopurpose Programming Language
-Environment. This language, developed at the Hanover College for
-Technological Misfits, was designed to make it impossible to write code
-with errors in it. The statements are, therefore, confined to BEGIN,
-END and STOP. No matter how you arrange the statements, you can't make
-a syntax error. Programs written in SIMPLE do nothing useful. Thus
-they achieve the results of programs written in other languages without
-the tedious, frustrating process of testing and debugging.
-%
- THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #12: LITHP
-
-This otherwise unremarkable language is distinguished by the absence of
-an "S" in its character set; users must substitute "TH". LITHP is said
-to be useful in protheththing lithtth.
-%
- THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #13: SLOBOL
-
-SLOBOL is best known for the speed, or lack of it, of its compiler.
-Although many compilers allow you to take a coffee break while they
-compile, SLOBOL compilers allow you to travel to Bolivia to pick the
-coffee. Forty-three programmers are known to have died of boredom
-sitting at their terminals while waiting for a SLOBOL program to
-compile. Weary SLOBOL programmers often turn to a related (but
-infinitely faster) language, COCAINE.
-%
- THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #17: SARTRE
-
-Named after the late existential philosopher, SARTRE is an extremely
-unstructured language. Statements in SARTRE have no purpose; they just
-are. Thus SARTRE programs are left to define their own functions.
-SARTRE programmers tend to be boring and depressed, and are no fun at
-parties.
-%
- THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18: C-
-
-This language was named for the grade received by its creator when he
-submitted it as a class project in a graduate programming class. C- is
-best described as a "low-level" programming language. In fact, the
-language generally requires more C- statements than machine-code
-statements to execute a given task. In this respect, it is very
-similar to COBOL.
-%
- THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #18a: FIFTH
-
-FIFTH is a precision mathematical language in which the data types
-refer to quantity. The data types range from CC, OUNCE, SHOT, and
-JIGGER to FIFTH (hence the name of the language), LITER, MAGNUM and
-BLOTTO. Commands refer to ingredients such as CHABLIS, CHARDONNAY,
-CABERNET, GIN, VERMOUTH, VODKA, SCOTCH, and WHATEVERSAROUND.
-
-The many versions of the FIFTH language reflect the sophistication and
-financial status of its users. Commands in the ELITE dialect include
-VSOP and LAFITE, while commands in the GUTTER dialect include HOOTCH
-and RIPPLE. The latter is a favorite of frustrated FORTH programmers
-who end up using this language.
-%
- THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #2: RENE
-
-Named after the famous French philosopher and mathematician Rene
-DesCartes, RENE is a language used for artificial intelligence. The
-language is being developed at the Chicago Center of Machine Politics
-and Programming under a grant from the Jane Byrne Victory Fund. A
-spokesman described the language as "Just as great as dis [sic] city of
-ours."
-
-The center is very pleased with progress to date. They say they have
-almost succeeded in getting a VAX to think. However, sources inside the
-organization say that each time the machine fails to think it ceases to
-exist.
-%
- THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #5: VALGOL
-From its modest beginnings in Southern California's San Fernando Valley,
-VALGOL is enjoying a dramatic surge of popularity across the industry.
-
-Here is a sample program:
- LIKE, Y*KNOW(I MEAN)START
- IF PIZZA = LIKE BITCHEN AND GUY = LIKE TUBULAR AND
- VALLEY GIRL = LIKE GRODY**MAX(FERSURE)**2 THEN
- FOR I = LIKE 1 TO OH*MAYBE 100
- DO*WAH - (DITTY**2)
- BARF(I)=TOTALLY GROSS(OUT)
- SURE
- LIKE BAG THIS PROGRAM
- REALLY
- LIKE TOTALLY (Y*KNOW)
- IM*SURE
- GOTO THE MALL
-
-When the user makes a syntax error, the interpreter displays the message:
-
- GAG ME WITH A SPOON!!
-%
- THE LESSER-KNOWN PROGRAMMING LANGUAGES #8: LAIDBACK
-
-This language was developed at the Marin County Center for T'ai Chi,
-Mellowness and Computer Programming (now defunct), as an alternative to
-the more intense atmosphere in nearby Silicon Valley.
-
-The center was ideal for programmers who liked to soak in hot tubs
-while they worked. Unfortunately few programmers could survive there
-because the center outlawed Pizza and Coca-Cola in favor of Tofu and
-Perrier.
-
-Many mourn the demise of LAIDBACK because of its reputation as a gentle
-and non-threatening language since all error messages are in lower
-case. For example, LAIDBACK responded to syntax errors with the
-message:
- "i hate to bother you, but i just can't relate to that. can
- you find the time to try it again?"
-%
The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an approaching
train.
%
@@ -12848,18 +13325,8 @@ The marvels of today's modern technology include the development of a
soda can, when discarded will last forever ... and a $7,000 car which
when properly cared for will rust out in two or three years.
%
-"... the Mayo Clinic, named after its founder, Dr. Ted Clinic ..."
- -- Dave Barry
-%
The meek shall inherit the earth -- they are too weak to refuse.
%
- The men sat sipping their tea in silence. After a while the
-klutz said, "Life is like a bowl of sour cream."
-
- "Like a bowl of sour cream?" asked the other. "Why?"
-
- "How should I know? What am I, a philosopher?"
-%
The meta-Turing test counts a thing as intelligent if it seeks to
devise and apply Turing tests to objects of its own creation.
-- Lew Mammel, Jr.
@@ -12911,24 +13378,6 @@ discoveries, is not "Eureka!" (I found it!) but "That's funny ..."
%
The moving cursor writes, and having written, blinks on.
%
-... the MYSTERIANS are in here with my CORDUROY SOAP DISH!!
-%
- "... The name of the song is called 'Haddocks' Eyes'!"
- "Oh, that's the name of the song, is it?" Alice said, trying to
-feel interested.
- "No, you don't understand," the Knight said, looking a little
-vexed. "That's what the name is called. The name really is, 'The Aged
-Aged Man.'"
- "Then I ought to have said "That's what the song is called'?"
-Alice corrected herself.
- "No, you oughtn't: that's quite another thing! The song is
-called 'Ways and Means': but that's only what it is called you know!"
- "Well, what is the song then?" said Alice, who was by this time
-completely bewildered.
- "I was coming to that," the Knight said. "The song really is
-"A-sitting on a Gate": and the tune's my own invention."
- -- Lewis Carroll, "Through the Looking Glass"
-%
"The National Association of Theater Concessionaires reported that in
1986, 60% of all candy sold in movie theaters was sold to Roger Ebert."
-- D. Letterman
@@ -12993,14 +13442,14 @@ Planning."
%
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
%
-The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age
-brings wisdom.
- -- H. L. Mencken
-%
The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes. Let the reader
catch his own breath.
-- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
%
+The older I grow the more I distrust the familiar doctrine that age
+brings wisdom.
+ -- H. L. Mencken
+%
The one good thing about repeating your mistakes is that you know when
to cringe.
%
@@ -13046,9 +13495,6 @@ The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.
The optimum committee has no members.
-- Norman Augustine
%
-The optimum committee has no members.
- -- Norman Augustine
-%
"The other day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven ... I almost
went back in time."
-- Steven Wright
@@ -13061,16 +13507,6 @@ The penalty for laughing in a courtroom is six months in jail; if it
were not for this penalty, the jury would never hear the evidence.
-- H. L. Mencken
%
- The people of Halifax invented the trampoline. During the
-Victorian period the tripe-dressers of Halifax stretched tripe across a
-large wooden frame and jumped up and down on it to `tender and dress'
-it. The tripoline, as they called it, degenerated into becoming the
-apparatus for a spectator sport.
-
- The people of Halifax also invented the harmonium, a device for
-castrating pigs during Sunday service.
- -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
The Pig, if I am not mistaken,
Gives us ham and pork and Bacon.
Let others think his heart is big,
@@ -13139,11 +13575,6 @@ The overall theme of SoupCon shall be:
Avoiding Communication with Law Enforcement Officials
%
-... the privileged being which we call human is distinguished from
-other animals only by certain double-edged manifestations which in
-charity we can only call "inhuman."
- -- R. A. Lafferty
-%
The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the
stupidity of your action.
%
@@ -13214,6 +13645,10 @@ Nuts" is catchier, in terms of marketing, than "A Cross Between Gerbil
Food and Gravel", which is what it tastes like.
-- Dave Barry, "Tips for Writer's"
%
+The reason we come up with new versions is not to fix bugs. It's
+absolutely not.
+ -- Bill Gates
+%
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all
progress depends on the unreasonable man.
@@ -13280,21 +13715,10 @@ from man's neck but money; and the spirit cannot soar until the
milestones are lifted.
-- George Bernard Shaw
%
- The seven eyes of Ningauble the Wizard floated back to his hood
-as he reported to Fafhrd: "I have seen much, yet cannot explain all.
-The Gray Mouser is exactly twenty-five feet below the deepest cellar in
-the palace of Gilpkerio Kistomerces. Even though twenty-four parts in
-twenty-five of him are dead, he is alive.
-
- "Now about Lankhmar. She's been invaded, her walls breached
-everywhere and desperate fighting is going on in the streets, by a
-fierce host which out-numbers Lankhmar's inhabitants by fifty to one --
-and equipped with all modern weapons. Yet you can save the city."
-
- "How?" demanded Fafhrd.
-
- Ningauble shrugged. "You're a hero. You should know."
- -- Fritz Leiber, from "The Swords of Lankhmar"
+The Seventh Commandments for Technicians
+ Work thou not on energized equipment, for if thou dost, thy
+fellow workers will surely buy beers for thy widow and console her in
+other ways.
%
The sheep that fly over your head are soon to land.
%
@@ -13340,41 +13764,11 @@ something badly enough, you can always go to Iceland and get it from
the Russians.
-- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
%
- The STAR WARS Song
- Sung to the tune of "Lola", by the Kinks:
-
-I met him in a swamp down in Dagobah
-Where it bubbles all the time like a giant cabinet soda
- S-O-D-A soda
-I saw the little runt sitting there on a log
-I asked him his name and in a raspy voice he said Yoda
- Y-O-D-A Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
-
-Well I've been around but I ain't never seen
-A guy who looks like a Muppet but he's wrinkled and green
- Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
-Well I'm not dumb but I can't understand
-How he can raise me in the air just by raising his hand
- Oh my Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda, Yo-Yo-Yo-Yo Yoda
-%
The state law of Pennsylvania prohibits singing in the bathtub.
%
The steady state of disks is full.
-- Ken Thompson
%
- THE STORY OF CREATION
- or
- THE MYTH OF URK
-
-In the beginning there was data. The data was without form and null,
-and darkness was upon the face of the console; and the Spirit of IBM
-was moving over the face of the market. And DEC said, "Let there be
-registers"; and there were registers. And DEC saw that they carried;
-and DEC separated the data from the instructions. DEC called the data
-Stack, and the instructions they called Code. And there was evening
-and there was morning, one interrupt ...
- -- Rico Tudor
-%
The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make
them unsafe.
-- Mayor Frank Rizzo
@@ -13417,7 +13811,7 @@ heat it to the point where the heat lost by radiation is just equal to
the heat received by radiation, i.e., Heaven loses 50 times as much
heat as the Earth by radiation. Using the Stefan-Boltzmann law for
radiation, (_H/_E)^4 = 50, where _E is the absolute temperature of the
-earth (-300K), gives _H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell
+earth (~300K), gives _H as 798K (525C). The exact temperature of Hell
cannot be computed ... [However] Revelations 21:8 says "But the
fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their part in the lake which
burneth with fire and brimstone." A lake of molten brimstone means
@@ -13437,21 +13831,6 @@ The Second Law: The most you can accomplish by working is to break
even.
The Third Law: You can only break even at absolute zero.
%
- The Three Major Kind of Tools
-
-* Tools for hittings things to make them loose or to tighten them up or
- jar their many complex, sophisticated electrical parts in such a
- manner that they function perfectly. (These are your hammers, maces,
- bludgeons, and truncheons.)
-
-* Tools that, if dropped properly, can penetrate your foot. (Awls)
-
-* Tools that nobody should ever use because the potential danger is far
- greater than the value of any project that could possibly result.
- (Power saws, power drills, power staplers, any kind of tool that uses
- any kind of power more advanced than flashlight batteries.)
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
The trouble with a kitten is that
When it grows up, it's always a cat
-- Ogden Nash.
@@ -13517,10 +13896,6 @@ yielding a more bounteous harvest of gobbledygook than the rest of the
world put together.
-- Sir Peter Medawar
%
-The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
-regarded as a criminal offense.
- -- E. W. Dijkstra
-%
The verdict of a jury is the a priori opinion of that juror who smokes
the worst cigars.
-- H. L. Mencken
@@ -13533,7 +13908,7 @@ The very powerful and the very stupid have one thing in common.
Instead of altering their views to fit the facts, they alter the facts
to fit their views ... which can be very uncomfortable if you happen to
be one of the facts that needs altering.
- -- Doctor Who, "Face of Evil"
+ -- Dr. Who, "Face of Evil"
%
"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
%
@@ -13555,22 +13930,11 @@ It must have blown through someone's feet,
Like those of Caspar Weinberger.
-- P. Opus
%
- THE WOMBAT
-
-The wombat lives across the seas,
-Among the far Antipodes.
-He may exist on nuts and berries,
-Or then again, on missionaries;
-His distant habitat precludes
-Conclusive knowledge of his moods.
-But I would not engage the wombat
-In any form of mortal combat.
-%
-The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
+The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
%
The world is coming to an end! Repent and return those library books!
%
-The world is coming to an end. Please log off.
+The world is coming to an end ... SAVE YOUR BUFFERS!!!
%
The world's as ugly as sin,
And almost as delightful
@@ -13600,19 +13964,6 @@ Where the Cabots can't see the Kabotschniks,
And the Lowells won't speak to the Cohns.
-- Franklin Pierce Adams
%
- THEORY
-Into love and out again,
- Thus I went and thus I go.
-Spare your voice, and hold your pen:
- Well and bitterly I know
-All the songs were ever sung,
- All the words were ever said;
-Could it be, when I was young,
- Someone dropped me on my head?
- -- Dorothy Parker
-%
-There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
-%
There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable,
and praiseworthy ...
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
@@ -13639,21 +13990,6 @@ There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis or a
vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
-- Gloria Steinem
%
- There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
-someone isn't Jewish. For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
-Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
-Larsen or Jenks. But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
-every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish. Why is
-this?
- Who knows? Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
-centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think ___you
-can find one? Get serious. You don't even understand why it's
-forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
--- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter. You don't
-even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
-why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz? Fat Chance.
- -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
-%
"There are some micro-organisms that exhibit characteristics of both
plants and animals. When exposed to light they undergo photosynthesis;
and when the lights go out, they turn into animals. But then again,
@@ -13704,9 +14040,6 @@ There are three ways to get something done:
(2) Hire someone to do it for you.
(3) Forbid your kids to do it.
%
-There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire
-someone, or forbid your kids to do it.
-%
There are times when truth is stranger than fiction and lunch time is
one of them.
%
@@ -13720,7 +14053,7 @@ sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
-- Woody Allen
%
"There are two ways of constructing a software design: One way is to
-make is so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
+make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the
other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious
deficiencies."
-- C. A. R. Hoare
@@ -13768,24 +14101,20 @@ Honesty, Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and
love of the Fatherland."
-- Adolf Hitler
%
-There is a theory that states: "If anyone finds out what the universe
-is for it will disappear and be replaced by something more bazaarly
-inexplicable."
-
-There is another theory that states: "This has already happened ...."
- -- Douglas Adams, "Hitch-Hikers Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly
what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly
disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
-inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has
-already happened.
- -- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
+inexplicable.
+
+There is another theory which states that this has already happened.
+ -- Douglas Adams, "The Restaurant at the End of the Universe"
%
"There is hopeful symbolism in the fact that flags do not wave in a
vacuum."
-- Arthur C. Clarke
%
+There *__is* intelligent life on Earth, but I leave for Texas on Monday.
+%
There is no distinctly native American criminal class except Congress.
-- Mark Twain
%
@@ -13798,11 +14127,11 @@ of course.
%
"There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in their
home."
- -- Ken Olsen, President of DEC, World Future Society
+ -- Ken Olson, President of DEC, World Future Society
Convention, 1977
%
-There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it
- -- G. B. Shaw
+There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
+ -- George Bernard Shaw
%
There is no substitute for good manners, except, perhaps, fast
reflexes.
@@ -13915,6 +14244,10 @@ telephone business?
There's a fine line between courage and foolishness. Too bad it's not
a fence.
%
+There's a long-standing bug relating to the x86 architecture that
+allows you to install Windows.
+ -- Matthew D. Fuller
+%
There's an old proverb that says just about whatever you want it to.
%
There's little in taking or giving,
@@ -13935,7 +14268,7 @@ There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our
whole lives, win, lose, or draw.
-- Walt Kelly
%
-There's no future in time travel
+There's no future in time travel.
%
There's no point in being grown up if you can't be childish sometimes.
-- Dr. Who
@@ -13953,6 +14286,10 @@ working for you.
armadillos."
-- Jim Hightower, Texas Agricultural Commissioner
%
+There's nothing so precious as a cafe full of Gap kiddies trying to
+work out whether you're really wearing rubber pants.
+ -- Mike Smith
+%
"There's nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won't
aggravate."
%
@@ -14100,8 +14437,6 @@ Don't miss out. All fortunes will be acknowledged. If you contribute
Fortune Hunter", our monthly program guide. If you contribute 50 or
more, you will receive a free "Fortune Hunter" coffee mug ....
%
-This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
-%
This is the first numerical problem I ever did. It demonstrates the
power of computers:
@@ -14116,6 +14451,8 @@ results are that one should eat each day:
27 heads of lettuce.
-- Rev. Adrian Melott
%
+This is the ____LAST time I take travel suggestions from Ray Bradbury!
+%
This is the story of the bee
Whose sex is very hard to see
@@ -14178,48 +14515,16 @@ student newspaper, of Tuesday, 3/10/87.
This sentence contradicts itself -- no actually it doesn't.
-- Hofstadter
%
-... This striving for excellence extends into people's personal lives
-as well. When '80s people buy something, they buy the best one, as
-determined by (1) price and (2) lack of availability. Eighties people
-buy imported dental floss. They buy gourmet baking soda. If an '80s
-couple goes to a restaurant where they have made a reservation three
-weeks in advance, and they are informed that their table is available,
-they stalk out immediately, because they know it is not an excellent
-restaurant. If it were, it would have an enormous crowd of
-excellence-oriented people like themselves waiting, their beepers going
-off like crickets in the night. An excellent restaurant wouldn't have
-a table ready immediately for anybody below the rank of Liza Minnelli.
- -- Dave Barry, "In Search of Excellence"
-%
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget
it.
%
- Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire
-rainbow of legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better
-than he does.
- As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about
-it. I am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily
-sane. But we will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we
-consider his exterior a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is
-being eaten alive by tinhorn politicians.
- The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can
-do for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his
-honor. From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can
-be as easily led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public
-relations, to joy as to bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter
-Thompson's disease. I don't have it this morning. It comes and goes.
-This morning I don't have Hunter Thompson's disease.
- -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr. on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
- from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear
- and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
-%
Those of you who think you know everything are very annoying to those
of us who do.
%
-Those who can't write, write manuals.
-%
Those who can, do. Those who can't, simulate.
%
+Those who can't write, write manuals.
+%
"Those who do not do politics will be done in by politics."
-- French Proverb
%
@@ -14253,9 +14558,6 @@ fifth theory is held by idiots, but it is doubtful if they know any
more about the matter than the others.
-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
-Time flies like an arrow
-Fruit flies like a banana
-%
Time flies like an arrow, but fruit flies like a banana.
%
Time is an illusion; lunchtime, doubly so.
@@ -14269,28 +14571,6 @@ Before his life is done,
To write three lines of APL,
And make the damn things run.
%
- (to "The Caissons Go Rolling Along")
-Scratch the disks, dump the core, Shut it down, pull the plug
-Roll the tapes across the floor, Give the core an extra tug
-And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
-Teletypes smashed to bits. Mem'ry cards, one and all,
-Give the scopes some nasty hits Toss out halfway down the hall
-And the system is going to crash. And the system is going to crash.
-And we've also found Just flip one switch
-When you turn the power down, And the lights will cease to twitch
-You turn the disk readers into trash. And the tape drives will crumble
- in a flash.
-Oh, it's so much fun, When the CPU
-Now the CPU won't run Can print nothing out but "foo,"
-And the system is going to crash. The system is going to crash.
-%
- To A Quick Young Fox:
-Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
-Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
-Guy fed by work, quiz Jove's xanthic lamp --
-Zow! Qualms by deja vu gyp fox-kin thrice.
- -- Lazy Dog
-%
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
%
To be is to do.
@@ -14298,7 +14578,7 @@ To be is to do.
To do is to be.
-- A. Sartre
Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
- -- F. Flinstone
+ -- F. Flintstone
%
"To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore
this is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to
@@ -14308,10 +14588,14 @@ statement."
To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever you hit,
call it the target.
%
-To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
+To envision how a 4-processor system running [SunOS] 4.1.x works, think
+of four kids and one bathroom.
+ -- John DiMarco
%
"To err is human, to forgive, beyond the scope of the Operating System"
%
+To err is human, to forgive is Not Company Policy.
+%
To err is human, to moo bovine.
%
To every Ph.D. there is an equal and opposite Ph.D.
@@ -14377,20 +14661,20 @@ Today is the first day of the rest of your lossage.
%
Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday
%
+"Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
+except in major motion pictures."
+ -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
+%
Today's scientific question is: What in the world is electricity?
And where does it go after it leaves the toaster?
-- Dave Barry, "What is Electricity?"
%
"Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
-cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
+cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
spectacular adventure starring ... Tippy, the Wonder Dog."
-- Bob & Ray
%
-"Today, of course, it is considered very poor taste to use the F-word
-except in major motion pictures."
- -- Dave Barry, "$#$%#^%!^%&@%@!"
-%
Toilet Toup'ee, n.:
Any shag carpet that causes the lid to become top-heavy, thus
creating endless annoyance to male users.
@@ -14413,6 +14697,25 @@ Too often I find that the volume of paper expands to fill the available
briefcases.
-- Governor Jerry Brown
%
+Top 10 things likely to be overheard if you had a Klingon Programmer:
+
+10) Specifications are for the weak and timid!
+ 9) You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!
+ 8) Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!
+ 7) What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'.
+ Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality
+ assurance people in its wake.
+ 6) Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments'
+ - and they ALWAYS WIN THEM.
+ 5) Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak.
+ 4) A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!
+ 3) Klingon software does NOT have BUGS. It has FEATURES, and those features
+ are too sophisticated for a Romulan pig like you to understand.
+ 2) You cannot truly appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the
+ original Klingon.
+ 1) Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship
+ it and let them flee like the dogs they are!
+%
Top scientists agree that with the present rate of consumption, the
earth's supply of gravity will be exhausted before the 24th century.
As man struggles to discover cheaper alternatives, we need your help.
@@ -14433,7 +14736,7 @@ Follow these simple suggestions:
%
Travel important today; Internal Revenue men arrive tomorrow.
%
-Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful and wealthy and live
+Troubled day for virgins over 16 who are beautiful, wealthy, and live
in eucalyptus trees.
%
Truly great madness can not be achieved without significant
@@ -14493,27 +14796,6 @@ The faults that bite, the jobs that thrash!
Beware the broken pipe, and shun
The frumious system crash!"
%
- 'Twas the Night before Crisis
-
-'Twas the night before crisis, and all through the house,
- Not a program was working not even a browse.
-The programmers were wrung out too mindless to care,
- Knowing chances of cutover hadn't a prayer.
-The users were nestled all snug in their beds,
- While visions of inquiries danced in their heads.
-When out in the lobby there arose such a clatter,
- I sprang from my tube to see what was the matter.
-And what to my wondering eyes should appear,
- But a Super Programmer, oblivious to fear.
-More rapid than eagles, his programs they came,
- And he whistled and shouted and called them by name;
-On Update! On Add! On Inquiry! On Delete!
- On Batch Jobs! On Closing! On Functions Complete!
-His eyes were glazed over, his fingers were lean,
- From Weekends and nights in front of a screen.
-A wink of his eye, and a twist of his head,
- Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread...
-%
'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period
preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, And
throughout our place of residence,
@@ -14573,14 +14855,6 @@ Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a
hammer or get a splinter in it.
%
-Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
- Never use your thumb for a rule. You'll either hit it with a
-hammmer or get a splinter in it.
-%
-Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
-just man is also a prison.
- -- Henry David Thoreau
-%
Under a government which imprisons any unjustly, the true place for a
just man is also in prison.
-- Henry David Thoreau
@@ -14670,21 +14944,6 @@ Velilind's Laws of Experimentation:
%
Veni, Vidi, Visa.
%
- "Verily and forsooth," replied Goodgulf darkly. "In the past
-year strange and fearful wonders I have seen. Fields sown with barley
-reap crabgrass and fungus, and even small gardens reject their
-artichoke hearts. There has been a hot day in December and a blue
-moon. Calendars are made with a month of Sundays and a blue-ribbon
-Holstein bore alive two insurance salesmen. The earth splits and the
-entrails of a goat were found tied in square knots. The face of the
-sun blackens and the skies have rained down soggy potato chips."
-
- "But what do all these things mean?" gasped Frito.
-
- "Beats me," said Goodgulf with a shrug, "but I thought it made
-good copy."
- -- Harvard Lampoon, "Bored of the Rings"
-%
Very few profundities can be expressed in less than 80 characters.
%
Vila: "I think I have just made the biggest mistake of my life."
@@ -14719,7 +14978,7 @@ from where you left them to where you can't find them.
%
Vitamin C deficiency is apauling
%
-VMS is like a nightmare about RXS-11M.
+VMS is like a nightmare about RSX-11M.
%
Vote anarchist
%
@@ -14728,13 +14987,6 @@ TAX-DEFERRED!
%
VYARZERZOMANIMORORSEZASSEZANSERAREORSES?
%
-
- *** System shutdown message from root ***
-
-System going down in 60 seconds
-
-
-%
"Wagner's music is better than it sounds."
-- Mark Twain
%
@@ -14751,19 +15003,13 @@ War hath no fury like a non-combatant.
%
War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ketchup is a vegetable.
%
- WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
-
-Firings will continue until morale improves.
-%
- WARNING TO ALL PERSONNEL:
-
-Firings will continue until morale improves.
-%
WARNING:
Reading this fortune can affect the dimensionality of your
mind, change the curvature of your spine, cause the growth of hair on
your palms, and make a difference in the outcome of your favorite war.
%
+Warning: Do not look directly into laser with remaining eye.
+%
Warning: Listening to WXRT on April Fools' Day is not recommended for
those who are slightly disoriented the first few hours after waking
up.
@@ -14814,8 +15060,6 @@ theorem."
%
We can defeat gravity. The problem is the paperwork involved.
%
-We can predict everything, except the future.
-%
We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is
deceased. My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
-- James E. Day, Postmaster General
@@ -14894,28 +15138,6 @@ ugly paneling is to begin with.
We really don't have any enemies. It's just that some of our best
friends are trying to kill us.
%
- We were young and our happiness dazzled us with its strength.
-But there was also a terrible betrayal that lay within me like a Merle
-Haggard song at a French restaurant. ...
- I could not tell the girl about the woman of the tollway, of
-her milk white BMW and her Jordache smile. There had been a fight. I
-had punched her boyfriend, who fought the mechanical bulls. Everyone
-told him, "You ride the bull, senor. You do not fight it." But he was
-lean and tough like a bad rib-eye and he fought the bull. And then he
-fought me. And when we finished there were no winners, just men doing
-what men must do. ...
- "Stop the car," the girl said. There was a look of terrible
-sadness in her eyes. She knew about the woman of the tollway. I knew
-not how. I started to speak, but she raised an arm and spoke with a
-quiet and peace I will never forget.
- "I do not ask for whom's the tollway belle," she said, "the
-tollway belle's for thee."
- The next morning our youth was a memory, and our happiness was
-a lie. Life is like a bad margarita with good tequila, I thought as I
-poured whiskey onto my granola and faced a new day.
- -- Peter Applebome, International Imitation Hemingway
- Competition
-%
We will have solar energy as soon as the utility companies solve one
technical problem -- how to run a sunbeam through a meter.
%
@@ -14932,22 +15154,6 @@ We wish you a Hare Krishna
And a Sun Myung Moon!
-- Maxwell Smart
%
-"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later."
-%
-We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
-the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
-you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
-in his bowl full of jelly.
- -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
-%
-We're only in it for the volume.
- -- Black Sabbath
-%
-We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
-of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
-but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
- -- Andy Rooney
-%
Weiler's Law:
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it
himself.
@@ -14970,6 +15176,13 @@ Welcome thy neighbor into thy fallout shelter. He'll come in handy if
you run out of food.
-- Dean McLaughlin.
%
+"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is
+no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five
+hundred."
+ -- The Mahabharata.
+%
+"We'll cross out that bridge when we come back to it later."
+%
Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a
lot of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke. Hartke is a
governor or mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the
@@ -15016,10 +15229,14 @@ Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
coefficient of relevance to Key of Time: zero."
-- Dr. Who
%
-"Well," Brahma said, "even after ten thousand explanations, a fool is
-no wiser, but an intelligent man requires only two thousand five
-hundred."
- -- The Mahabharata.
+We're deep into the holiday gift-giving season, as you can tell from
+the fact that everywhere you look, you see jolly old St. Nick urging
+you to purchase things, to the point where you want to slug him right
+in his bowl full of jelly.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
+%
+We're only in it for the volume.
+ -- Black Sabbath
%
Westheimer's Discovery:
A couple of months in the laboratory can frequently save a
@@ -15028,6 +15245,11 @@ couple of hours in the library.
Wethern's Law:
Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
%
+We've sent a man to the moon, and that's 29,000 miles away. The center
+of the Earth is only 4,000 miles away. You could drive that in a week,
+but for some reason nobody's ever done it.
+ -- Andy Rooney
+%
"What are we going to do?"
"Me, I'm examining the major Western religions. I'm looking for
@@ -15042,14 +15264,10 @@ initiation period."
%
What color is a chameleon on a mirror?
%
- "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty
-teenager asked her mother.
- "Encouragement, dear," she replied.
+What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
%
What does "it" mean in the sentence "What time is it?"?
%
-What does it mean if there is no fortune for you?
-%
What garlic is to food, insanity is to art.
%
What garlic is to salad, insanity is to art.
@@ -15093,9 +15311,6 @@ parties.
%
What I want is all of the power and none of the responsibility.
%
-"What I've done, of course, is total garbage."
- -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
-%
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I
definitely overpaid for my carpet.
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
@@ -15104,7 +15319,7 @@ What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream? Or what's
worse, what if only that fat guy in the third row exists?
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
-What is a magician but a practising theorist?
+What is a magician but a practicing theorist?
-- Obi-Wan Kenobi
%
What is mind? No matter.
@@ -15135,6 +15350,9 @@ which is the exact opposite."
%
What is worth doing is worth the trouble of asking somebody to do.
%
+"What I've done, of course, is total garbage."
+ -- R. Willard, Pure Math 430a
+%
What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing
to compare it with.
%
@@ -15156,11 +15374,11 @@ What the large print giveth, the small print taketh away.
%
What the world *really* needs is a good Automatic Bicycle Sharpener.
%
+What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
+%
What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent
bagel.
%
-What this country needs is a dime that will buy a good five-cent bagel.
-%
What this country needs is a good five cent ANYTHING!
%
What this country needs is a good five cent microcomputer.
@@ -15185,21 +15403,6 @@ be only 7 a.m. when we were ready to actually emerge from bed.
%
What you don't know can hurt you, only you won't know it.
%
-"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
- -- Steven Wright
-%
- "What's that thing?"
- "Well, it's a highly technical, sensitive instrument we use in
-computer repair. Being a layman, you probably can't grasp exactly what
-it does. We call it a two-by-four."
- -- Jeff MacNelley, "Shoe"
-%
-"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
- -- Dr. Who
-%
-"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
- -- The Doctor
-%
Whatever became of eternal truth?
%
Whatever became of Strange de Jim? Well, he found a substitute for
@@ -15216,6 +15419,12 @@ nailed down.
cockroaches!"
-- Mom
%
+"What's another word for Thesaurus?"
+ -- Steven Wright
+%
+"What's the use of a good quotation if you can't change it?"
+ -- Dr. Who
+%
When a Banker jumps out of a window, jump after him -- that's where the
money is.
-- Robespierre
@@ -15380,7 +15589,7 @@ except our fingertips will have been singed.
-- Epigrams in Programming, ACM SIGPLAN Sept. 1982
%
When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of
-investigation of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand,
+investigation of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand,
so that you can proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or
swayed, directly to the goal.
-- Amrom Katz
@@ -15392,14 +15601,8 @@ When you don't know what you are doing, do it neatly.
When you have an efficient government, you have a dictatorship.
-- Harry Truman
%
- When you have shot and killed a man you have in some measure
-clarified your attitude toward him. You have given a definite answer
-to a definite problem. For better or worse you have acted decisively.
- In a way, the next move is up to him.
- -- R. A. Lafferty
-%
-"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite."
- -- Winston Curchill, On formal declarations of war
+"When you have to kill a man it costs nothing to be polite."
+ -- Winston Churchill, On formal declarations of war
%
When you know absolutely nothing about the topic, make your forecast by
asking a carefully selected probability sample of 300 others who don't
@@ -15510,8 +15713,6 @@ Who messed with my anti-paranoia shot?
%
Who needs friends when you can sit alone in your room and drink?
%
-Who's on first?
-%
"Whom are you?" said he, for he had been to night school.
-- George Ade
%
@@ -15519,6 +15720,8 @@ Whom computers would destroy, they must first drive mad.
%
Whom the gods wish to destroy they first call promising.
%
+Who's on first?
+%
"Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could
have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing."
-- Ian Shoales
@@ -15613,26 +15816,6 @@ direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
Wiker's Law:
Government expands to absorb revenue and then some.
%
- William Safire's Rules for Writers:
-
-Remember to never split an infinitive. The passive voice should never
-be used. Do not put statements in the negative form. Verbs have to
-agree with their subjects. Proofread carefully to see if you words
-out. If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal
-of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing. A writer must
-not shift your point of view. And don't start a sentence with a
-conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a
-sentence with.) Don't overuse exclamation marks!! Place pronouns as
-close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more
-words, to their antecedents. Writing carefully, dangling participles
-must be avoided. If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a
-linking verb is. Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing
-metaphors. Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky. Everyone should
-be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their
-writing. Always pick on the correct idiom. The adverb always follows
-the verb. Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek
-viable alternatives.
-%
Williams and Holland's Law:
If enough data is collected, anything may be proven by
statistical methods.
@@ -15726,7 +15909,7 @@ year.
"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat
- -- Lewis Carrol
+ -- Lewis Carroll
%
"Wouldn't the sentence 'I want to put a hyphen between the words Fish
and And and And and Chips in my Fish-And-Chips sign' have been clearer
@@ -15749,9 +15932,6 @@ Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.
"The tactful way," Rod said quietly, "the polite way to disagree with
the Senator would be to say, `That turns out not to be the case.'"
%
-X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the
-imagination is the plot.
-%
Xerox does it again and again and again and ...
%
Xerox never comes up with anything original.
@@ -15761,6 +15941,9 @@ XIIdigitation, n.:
by deciphering the Roman numerals at the end of the credits.
-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
+X-rated movies are all alike ... the only thing they leave to the
+imagination is the plot.
+%
"Yacc" owes much to a most stimulating collection of users, who have
goaded me beyond my inclination, and frequently beyond my ability in
their endless search for "one more feature". Their irritating
@@ -15802,7 +15985,7 @@ will notice.
%
You are a very redundant person, that's what kind of person you are.
%
-You are here:
+You are here:
***
***
*********
@@ -15832,7 +16015,7 @@ And yet you incessantly stand on your head --
"I feared it might injure the brain;
But, now that I'm perfectly sure I have none,
Why, I do it again and again."
- -- Lewis Carrol
+ -- Lewis Carroll
%
"You are old," said the youth, "and I'm told by my peers
That your lectures bore people to death.
@@ -15853,7 +16036,7 @@ Yet you finished the goose, with the bones and the beak --
And argued each case with my wife;
And the muscular strength which it gave to my jaw,
Has lasted the rest of my life."
- -- Lewis Carrol
+ -- Lewis Carroll
%
"You are old," said the youth, "and your programs don't run,
And there isn't one language you like;
@@ -15874,7 +16057,7 @@ Yet you turned a back-somersault in at the door --
"I kept all my limbs very supple
By the use of this ointment -- one shilling the box --
Allow me to sell you a couple?"
- -- Lewis Carrol
+ -- Lewis Carroll
%
"You are old," said the youth, "as I mentioned before,
And make errors few people could bear;
@@ -15895,7 +16078,7 @@ Yet you balanced an eel on the end of your nose --
Said his father. "Don't give yourself airs!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
Be off, or I'll kick you down stairs!"
- -- Lewis Carrol
+ -- Lewis Carroll
%
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
%
@@ -15919,7 +16102,7 @@ pound some old, hard fruit into it with a mallet. Be sure to wear
safety glasses.
-- Dave Barry, "Simple, Homespun Gifts"
%
-"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
+"You can bring any calculator you like to the midterm, as long as it
doesn't dim the lights when you turn it on."
-- Hepler, Systems Design 182
%
@@ -15960,6 +16143,12 @@ You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.
"You can write a small letter to Grandma in the filename."
-- Forbes Burkowski, Computer Science 454
%
+You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
+%
+You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
+%
+You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
+%
You can't carve your way to success without cutting remarks.
%
"You can't have everything. Where would you put it?"
@@ -15984,12 +16173,6 @@ enough worrying about what's happening now.
don't."
-- Dagwood Bumstead
%
-You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd.
-%
-You cannot kill time without injuring eternity.
-%
-You cannot propel yourself forward by patting yourself on the back.
-%
You could get a new lease on life -- if only you didn't need the first
and last month in advance.
%
@@ -16046,6 +16229,10 @@ wrinkled.
You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot
today.
%
+You know if they ever find a way to harness sarcasm as an energy source,
+you people are all going to owe me big.
+ -- Bill Paul
+%
You know it's going to be a bad day when you want to put on the clothes
you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
%
@@ -16065,14 +16252,6 @@ friend misdates a check, and you suggest adding a "++" to fix it.
%
You know you've landed gear-up when it takes full power to taxi.
%
- "You know, it's at times like this when I'm trapped in a Vogon
-airlock with a man from Betelgeuse and about to die of asphyxiation in
-deep space that I really wish I'd listened to what my mother told me
-when I was young!"
- "Why, what did she tell you?"
- "I don't know, I didn't listen!"
- -- Douglas Adams, "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
-%
You look like a million dollars. All green and wrinkled.
%
You may be recognized soon. Hide.
@@ -16096,6 +16275,11 @@ party disguised as a pig farmer vacationing at Disney World.
%
You might have mail
%
+You might like to know that I looked at a detailed map of NT, and I'm
+now able to confirm that in all probability Microsoft NT does not
+exist. If it does, it's so small as to be completely insignificant.
+ -- Greg Lehey
+%
"You must realize that the computer has it in for you. The irrefutable
proof of this is that the computer always does what you tell it to do."
%
@@ -16159,27 +16343,11 @@ hemorrhoids.
-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
%
"You should, without hesitation, pound your typewriter into a
-plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture"
+plowshare, your paper into fertilizer, and enter agriculture."
-- Business Professor, University of Georgia
%
You think Oedipus had a problem -- Adam was Eve's mother.
%
- YOU TOO CAN MAKE BIG MONEY IN THE EXCITING FIELD OF
- PAPER SHUFFLING!
-
-Mr. TAA of Muddle, Mass. says: "Before I took this course I used to be
-a lowly bit twiddler. Now with what I learned at MIT Tech I feel
-really important and can obfuscate and confuse with the best."
-
-Mr. MARC had this to say: "Ten short days ago all I could look forward
-to was a dead-end job as a engineer. Now I have a promising future and
-make really big Zorkmids."
-
-MIT Tech can't promise these fantastic results to everyone, but when
-you earn your MDL degree from MIT Tech your future will be brighter.
-
- SEND FOR OUR FREE BROCHURE TODAY!
-%
You too can wear a nose mitten.
%
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
@@ -16196,11 +16364,6 @@ You will feel hungry again in another hour.
You will lose your present job and have to become a door to door
mayonnaise salesman.
%
- You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
-Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
-parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
- -- Sherlock Holmes
-%
You will think of something funnier than this to add to the fortunes.
%
You worry too much about your job. Stop it. You're not paid enough to
@@ -16213,6 +16376,24 @@ minute and a huff.
%
"You'll never be the man your mother was!"
%
+Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
+thing he tells you.
+%
+Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you
+from enjoying it.
+%
+Your fault: core dumped
+%
+Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
+%
+Your lucky color has faded.
+%
+Your lucky number has been disconnected.
+%
+Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
+%
+Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
+%
You're at the end of the road again.
%
You're being followed. Cut out the hanky-panky for a few days.
@@ -16234,43 +16415,6 @@ You've been leading a dog's life. Stay off the furniture.
"TOMORROW! I haven't even prepared for *_________yesterday* yet!"
%
-Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
-thing he tells you.
-%
-Your conscience never stops you from doing anything. It just stops you
-from enjoying it.
-%
-Your fault: core dumped
-%
- Your home electrical system is basically a bunch of wires that
-bring electricity into your home and take if back out before it has a
-chance to kill you. This is called a "circuit". The most common home
-electrical problem is when the circuit is broken by a "circuit
-breaker"; this causes the electricity to back up in one of the wires
-until it bursts out of an outlet in the form of sparks, which can
-damage your carpet. The best way to avoid broken circuits is to change
-your fuses regularly.
- Another common problem is that the lights flicker. This
-sometimes means that your electrical system is inadequate, but more
-often it means that your home is possessed by demons, in which case
-you'll need to get a caulking gun and some caulking. If you're not
-sure whether your house is possessed, see "The Amityville Horror", a
-fine documentary film based on an actual book. Or call in a licensed
-electrician, who is trained to spot the signs of demonic possession,
-such as blood coming down the stairs, enormous cats on the dinette
-table, etc.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Taming of the Screw"
-%
-Your life would be very empty if you had nothing to regret.
-%
-Your lucky color has faded.
-%
-Your lucky number has been disconnected.
-%
-Your lucky number is 3552664958674928. Watch for it everywhere.
-%
-Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.
-%
"Yow! Am I having fun yet?"
-- Zippy the Pinhead
%
@@ -16285,3 +16429,4 @@ since I first called my brother's father dad.
%
Zymurgy's Law of Volunteer Labor:
People are always available for work in the past tense.
+%
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real
index a83726b2281f..f3274d7b6f4d 100644
--- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes-o.real
@@ -1,7 +1,218 @@
+%% $FreeBSD$
+ My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]
+Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
+Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
+Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
+These are a few of my favorite drugs.
+
+Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
+Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
+Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
+These are a few of my favorite drugs.
+
+Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
+Users of heroin, often called junkies
+Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
+Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
+
+ On a bad trip
+ When the cops come
+ When I lose my head
+ I simply take more of my favorite drugs
+ And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
+%
+ NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
+"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a
+short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
+promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of
+our "Big John" doll.)
+%
+ ... But among the children of the Great Society there were
+those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly,
+and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat....
+ Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
+they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
+people go to the front of the bus."
+ But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
+deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
+yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
+unto a snowball in Hell."
+ -- "The Begatting of a President"
+%
+ And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
+ They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
+ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
+very selfhood revealed."
+ And Jesus replied, "What?"
+%
+ "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
+matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly
+pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent
+merriment.
+ "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
+agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
+lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
+though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
+innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
+were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
+ -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
+%
+ In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was
+without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So
+they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
+and it stinks."
+
+ And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
+"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now,
+the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
+container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
+before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
+the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
+and none may abide by its strength."
+
+ And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
+Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
+it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
+the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
+growth of the Laboratories."
+
+ And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
+it was Good!
+%
+ Overheard in a bar:
+Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
+Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
+%
+ The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't
+just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
+primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
+and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
+saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
+you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
+time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
+Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
+ So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
+publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
+naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
+naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
+article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
+Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
+others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
+Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+ The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You
+claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in
+his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
+
+ "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but
+not much good in a fight."
+%
+ The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
+
+My back aches, my pussy is sore;
+I simply can't fuck any more;
+ I'm covered with sweat,
+ And you haven't come yet,
+And my God, it's a quarter to four!
+%
+ Them Toad Suckers
+
+How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
+Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
+
+Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
+Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
+
+Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
+Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
+
+Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
+Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
+
+How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
+Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
+ -- Mason Williams
+%
+ Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn
+how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay,
+you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
+ All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where
+their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
+ "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
+His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the
+room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
+ "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
+it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
+%
+ "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
+didn't believe in God."
+ "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
+God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
+not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
+ -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
+%
+ When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
+operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it
+would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't
+thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first
+patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
+%
+ The Split-Atom Blues
+
+Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
+ Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline....
+But if you split those atoms fine,
+ Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
+
+Gimme zits, take my dough,
+ Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll....
+Call the devil and sell my soul,
+ But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
+ -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
+%
+... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
+and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps....
+%
+... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot
+be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the
+benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter
+is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with
+him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch
+of knuckles.
+ -- Harlan Ellison
+%
71:
69 with two fingers up your ass.
-- George Carlin
%
+... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side,
+you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of
+fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating
+stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right. For example, they
+had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased
+publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist.
+Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire
+primary. But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came
+back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his
+neck.
+ -- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid"
+%
+... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse
+is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the
+1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
+considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
+showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts
+would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the
+overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think
+nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking
+Through Swimsuits Issue.
+ -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
+%
+... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
+out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
+ -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
+%
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along
@@ -39,7 +250,7 @@ A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball,
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker's, plus eight
-Is his phone number -- give him a call..
+Is his phone number -- give him a call.
%
"A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a
good many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious
@@ -110,8 +321,6 @@ Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
%
-A.I. hackers do it with robots.
-%
Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
%
"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western
@@ -126,6 +335,8 @@ Achilles' Biological Findings:
-- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the
rooster.
%
+A.I. hackers do it with robots.
+%
Aide to Raygun: Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget
cuts.
Raygun himself: Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
@@ -162,7 +373,7 @@ Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
%
An Army travels on her stomach.
%
-An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: if gets laid once; it gets
+An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: it gets laid once; it gets
eaten once. It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only
person who will sit on its face is its mother.
%
@@ -172,15 +383,6 @@ bosom 35 talents, and also shalt thou fetcheth a like number of cubits,
provideth that they are nice and fresh.'"
-- Dave Barry, "Getting Religion"
%
- And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?"
- They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the
-ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our
-very selfhood revealed."
- And Jesus replied, "What?"
-%
-... And then there's the guy who bought 20,000 bras, cut them in half,
-and sold 40,000 yamalchas with chin straps ...
-%
Anxiety, n.:
The first time you can't do it a second time.
@@ -198,6 +400,8 @@ released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and
enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources."
-- Ronald Reagan
%
+As Rev. Spooner would say, you are a shining wit.
+%
Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
@@ -258,14 +462,6 @@ Know-How reloaded the brassiere with tits, every heterosexual male in
the country was hopelessly trapped.
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
%
-... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot
-be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the
-benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter
-is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with
-him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch
-of knuckles.
- -- Harlan Ellison
-%
"California is proud to be the home of the freeway."
-- Ronald Reagan
%
@@ -321,7 +517,7 @@ G's Third Law:
is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.
H's Dictum:
- There is no magic ...
+ There is no magic....
%
Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to
fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the
@@ -394,7 +590,7 @@ Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
... Seats 500.
%
-Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"
+Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"?
%
Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
%
@@ -513,18 +709,6 @@ $50.00 shoved up your ass, a nickel at a time.
"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company."
-- Mark Twain
%
- "God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no
-matter what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly
-pleasurable, wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent
-merriment.
- "Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
-agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
-lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
-though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
-innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
-were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
- -- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
-%
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
%
God is an atheist.
@@ -547,7 +731,7 @@ I knew that Santa would never lie.
%
"God is big, so don't fuck with him."
%
-God isn't dead -- he's been busted
+God isn't dead -- he's been busted.
%
God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft.
%
@@ -566,7 +750,7 @@ still talking about it."
%
Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend.
%
-Grain grows best in shit
+Grain grows best in shit.
-- Ursula K. LeGuin
%
Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker.
@@ -587,7 +771,7 @@ Haggis, n.:
considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human
consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or
other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled
-in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute ...
+in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute....
%
Hardly a pure science, history is closer to animal husbandry than it is
to mathematics, in that it involves selective breeding. The principal
@@ -625,18 +809,6 @@ damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own
hands.
%
-"He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's
-ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a
-stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed
-him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig!
-He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off
-this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n
-Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic
-processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no
-longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative...
-
- THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
-%
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest
in a yak.
-- Woody Allen
@@ -670,6 +842,18 @@ King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:
and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina."
-- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
%
+"He's not pining, he's passed on! This parrot won't squawk! He's
+ceased to be! He's expired, and gone to meet his maker! It's a
+stiff! No breath of life, he may rest in peace! If you hadn't nailed
+him to the perch, he'd be pushing up the daisies! He's off the twig!
+He's kicked the bucket! He's curled up his tooties! He's shuffled off
+this mortal world! He's run down the curtain, and joined the bleed'n
+Choir Invincible! HE'S FUCKING SNUFFED IT! Vis-a-vi his metabolic
+processes is head is lost. All statements concerning this parrot is no
+longer a going concern, after from now on, Inoperative...
+
+ THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!"
+%
History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion --
i.e., none to speak of.
-- Lazarus Long
@@ -679,7 +863,7 @@ government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was
gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. We'll be
lucky to escape with our skins!"
%
-Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole
+Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
-- John Valby
%
Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
@@ -690,7 +874,7 @@ I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it
once was ... an arctic wilderness
-- Steve Martin
%
-I came; I saw; I fucked up
+I came; I saw; I fucked up.
%
I have a funny daddy
Who goes in and out with me
@@ -710,7 +894,7 @@ In a long distance telephone booth.
Of an ideal connection
Even if somewhat uncouth.
%
-"I own my own body, but I share"
+"I own my own body, but I share."
%
I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
Martina Navratilova who can run like deer and bench-press Chevrolet
@@ -760,18 +944,6 @@ scares the shit out of me.
I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on
now.
%
-I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say
-"I've just had a good war."
- -- Mae West
-%
-I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
-it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
-government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
- -- Groucho Marx
-%
-"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to
-watch him have another."
-%
If a child annoys you, quiet him by brushing his hair. If this doesn't
work, use the other side of the brush on the other end of the child.
%
@@ -836,7 +1008,7 @@ of a forthcoming Papal Bull ...
If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
%
-If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try different position.
+If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a different position.
%
"If you're a real good kid, I'll give you a piggy-back ride on a
buzz-saw."
@@ -845,32 +1017,19 @@ buzz-saw."
Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion.
-- Robert Burton
%
+I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say
+"I've just had a good war."
+ -- Mae West
+%
+I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
+it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
+government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
+ -- Groucho Marx
+%
"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with
reality at any point."
-- Friedrich Nietzsche
%
- In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was
-without form. And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So
-they spake unto their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit,
-and it stinks."
-
- And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying,
-"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." Now,
-the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, "It is a
-container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none may abide
-before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head spake unto
-the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer
-and none may abide by its strength."
-
- And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the
-Technical Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and
-it is very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto
-the Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the
-growth of the Laboratories."
-
- And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
-it was Good!
-%
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the bust of his madam,
He chuckled with mirth,
@@ -881,7 +1040,7 @@ Incest, n.:
Sibling revelry.
%
"Is it just me, or does anyone else read `bible humpers' every time
-someone writes `bible thumpers?'
+someone writes `bible thumpers?'"
-- Joel M. Snyder, jms@mis.arizona.edu
%
It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be
@@ -896,9 +1055,12 @@ Greeks never said it was sweet to die for anything. They had no vital
lies."
-- Edith Hamilton, "The Greek Way"
%
+"I've had one child. My husband wants to have another. I'd like to
+watch him have another."
+%
Jesus died for your sins. Make it worth his time.
%
-"Jesus saves...but Gretzky gets the rebound!"
+"Jesus saves... but Gretzky gets the rebound!"
-- Daniel Hinojosa
%
Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority.
@@ -925,22 +1087,10 @@ LET Jesus be YOUR anchor!
So when Satan rocks your boat, THROW Jesus overboard!
%
-... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are. On one side,
-you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of
-fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating
-stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right. For example, they
-had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased
-publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist.
-Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire
-primary. But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came
-back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his
-neck.
- -- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid"
-%
Life is like a penis: when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's
hard you get fucked.
%
-Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
+Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it)....
%
Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola. What ain't
fruits and nuts is flakes.
@@ -989,34 +1139,6 @@ My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
-- Alexandre Dumas, pere
%
- My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]
-Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
-Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars
-Reds and peyote to work out your bugs
-These are a few of my favorite drugs.
-
-Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout
-Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out
-Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs
-These are a few of my favorite drugs.
-
-Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys
-Users of heroin, often called junkies
-Methadone helps then to stop being thugs
-Takes them off one of my favorite drugs.
-
- On a bad trip
- When the cops come
- When I lose my head
- I simply take more of my favorite drugs
- And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead!
-%
- NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
-"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on a
-short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
-promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of
-our "Big John" doll.)
-%
No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
she will or will not be a mother.
-- Margaret H. Sanger
@@ -1030,13 +1152,6 @@ Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
%
Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.
%
-O'Riordan's Theorem:
- Brains x Beauty = Constant.
-
-Purmal's Corollary:
- As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
-availability goes to zero.
-%
Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
%
Occident, n.:
@@ -1110,6 +1225,21 @@ Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to
look at the other guy's.
-- Hal Hickman
%
+O'Riordan's Theorem:
+ Brains x Beauty = Constant.
+
+Purmal's Corollary:
+ As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
+availability goes to zero.
+%
+"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in
+a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave
+national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to
+gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the
+exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem
+never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real."
+ -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
+%
Our [softball] team usually puts the other woman at second base, where
the maximum possible number of males can get there on short notice to
help out in case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second
@@ -1123,23 +1253,11 @@ probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever
considering whether there were men on base.
-- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag"
%
-"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in
-a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave
-national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to
-gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it by furnishing the
-exorbitant sums demanded. Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem
-never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real."
- -- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
-%
- Overheard in a bar:
-Man: "Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
-Woman: "No, thanks, I've already got one ass-hole in there now."
-%
People who develop the habit of thinking of themselves as world
citizens are fulfilling the first requirement of sanity in our time.
-- Norman Cousins
%
-Physicists do it with charm
+Physicists do it with charm.
%
Politicians do it to everyone.
%
@@ -1158,9 +1276,9 @@ Q: How do you play religious roulette?
A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck
by lightning first.
%
-Q: How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your
+Q: How do you tell if an elephant has been making love in your
backyard?
-A: If all your trashcan liners are missing ...
+A: If all your trashcan liners are missing....
%
Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
or an airline stewardess?
@@ -1193,7 +1311,7 @@ Q: What is "SMOORPLAY"?
A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course!
%
Q: What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read?
-A: A cheese grater
+A: A cheese grater.
%
Q: What's Jewish foreplay?
A: Two hours of begging.
@@ -1222,7 +1340,7 @@ for farting at a friend.
-- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
Preposterous Words
%
-Reagan can't _a_c_t either
+Reagan can't _a_c_t, either.
%
Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only
sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
@@ -1259,11 +1377,238 @@ any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.
%
Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(1) The greatest threat to the human spirit is liberalism.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(10) Liberalism poisons the soul.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(11) Neither the United States, nor anyone else, "imposes" freedom on
+ the people of other nations. Freedom is not an imposition.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(12) Freedom is God-given.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(13) To dictatorships, peace means the absence of opposition.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(14) To free people, peace means the absence of threat.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(15) The Peace Movement in the United States was, whether by accident or
+ design, pro-communist.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(16) The collective knowledge and wisdom of seasoned citizens is the
+ most valuable, yet untapped, resource our young people have.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(17) The greatest football team in the history of civilization was the
+ Pittsburgh Steelers of 1975 through 1980.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(18) There is no such thing as "war atrocities." War is an atrocity.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(19) Regardless of the pain in our memories, nostalgia only reminds us
+ of the good times in our past.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(2) The single greatest threat to the free people of the world is posed
+ by the heinous idea of centralized government control.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(20) There is a God.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(21) Abortion is wrong.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(22) Morality is not defined by individual choice.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(23) Evolution cannot explain creation.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(24) Feminism was established so that unattractive women could have
+ easier access to the mainstream of society.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(25) Love is the only human emotion which cannot be controlled. You
+ either do or you don't. You can't fake it. (Except women, and
+ thank God they can.)
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(26) The only difference between Mikhail Gorbachev and previous Soviet
+ leaders is that he is alive.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(27) Soviet leaders were actually left-wing dictators.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(28) Abraham Lincoln saved this nation.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(29) The Los Angeles Raiders will never be the team they were when they
+ called Oakland home.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(3) Peace does not mean the elimination of nuclear weapons.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(30) The United States will again go to war.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(31) To more and more American intellectuals, a victorious United States
+ is a sinful United States.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(32) The fact that American intellectuals rue a victorious United States
+ is frightening and ominous.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(33) There will always be poor people.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(34) The fact that there will always be poor people is not the fault of
+ the rich.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(35) Rather than feel guilty as some do, you should thank God for making
+ you an American.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(4) Peace does not mean the absence of war.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(5) War is not obsolete.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(6) Ours is a world governed by the aggressive use of force.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(7) There is only one way to eliminate nuclear weapons. Use them.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(8) Peace cannot be achieved merely by developing an "understanding"
+ among peoples.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
+Rush Limbaugh's 35 Undeniable Truths of Life:
+
+(9) Americans opposing America is not always sacred nor courageous ...
+ it is sometimes dangerous.
+
+ -- "The Limbaugh Letter," Copyright 1992, EFM Publishing, Inc.
+%
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favorite sport is coitus."
But a fullback from State
Made her period late,
-And now she has athlete's fetus
+And now she has athlete's fetus.
%
Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
Whose virtue was largely a myth,
@@ -1279,7 +1624,7 @@ Let _P be a constant persuasion;
"Let _V over _P be inverted
With the square root of _M_u inserted
- _N times into _V ...
+ _N times into _V....
The result, Q.E.D.,
Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
%
@@ -1303,17 +1648,6 @@ candidates for president.
-- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist
Elizabeth Gould Davis
%
-... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even worse
-is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the
-1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
-considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
-showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts
-would have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the
-overall effect was no more explicit than many publications we think
-nothing of today, such as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking
-Through Swimsuits Issue.
- -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
Sooner or later, generals will own you.
%
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
@@ -1343,49 +1677,12 @@ am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone."
at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains."
-- Dave Barry
%
- The big problem with pornography is defining it. You can't
-just say it's pictures of people naked. For example, you have these
-primitive African tribes that exist by chasing the wildebeest on foot,
-and they have to go around largely naked, because, as the old tribal
-saying goes: "N'wam k'honi soit qui mali," which means, "If you think
-you can catch a wildebeest in this climate and wear clothes at the same
-time, then I have some beach front property in the desert region of
-Northern Mali that you may be interested in."
- So it's not considered pornographic when National Geographic
-publishes color photographs of these people hunting the wildebeest
-naked, or pounding one rock onto another rock for some primitive reason
-naked, or whatever. But if National Geographic were to publish an
-article entitled "The Girls of the California Junior College System
-Hunt the Wildebeest Naked," some people would call it pornography. But
-others would not. And still others, such as the Spectacularly Rev.
-Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked.
- -- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
-%
The computer is the ultimate polluter: its shit is indistinguishable
from the food it produces.
%
- The defense attorney was hammering away at the plaintiff: "You
-claim," he jeered, "that my client came at you with a broken bottle in
-his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?"
-
- "Yes," he admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but
-not much good in a fight."
-%
The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
cactus has the pricks on the outside.
%
-... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
-out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
- -- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
-%
- The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
-
-My back aches, my pussy is sore;
-I simply can't fuck any more;
- I'm covered with sweat,
- And you haven't come yet,
-And my God, it's a quarter to four!
-%
The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been
putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes.
%
@@ -1420,7 +1717,7 @@ dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to
several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and
drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never
-be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
+been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
%
The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a
chance to prove it.
@@ -1446,19 +1743,6 @@ The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a
dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said, "It's my dick
and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
%
- The Split-Atom Blues
-
-Gimme Twinkies, gimme wine,
- Gimme jeans by Calvin Kline ...
-But if you split those atoms fine,
- Mama keep 'em off those genes of mine!
-
-Gimme zits, take my dough,
- Gimme arsenic in my jelly roll ...
-Call the devil and sell my soul,
- But Mama keep dem atoms whole!
- -- Milo Bloom, "Bloom County"
-%
"The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual
curiosity."
-- Ronald Reagan
@@ -1466,12 +1750,12 @@ curiosity."
The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling
their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from
the other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision. Each tends to
-ascribe to the other side a consistency, forsight and coherence that
+ascribe to the other side a consistency, foresight and coherence that
its own experience belies. Of course, even two blind men can do
enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room.
-- Henry Kissinger
%
-The United States Army;
+The United States Army:
194 years of proud service,
unhampered by progress.
%
@@ -1479,7 +1763,7 @@ The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
everybody and still nobody likes him.
-- Jim Samuels
%
-"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
+"The voters have spoken, the bastards...."
%
"The whole world is about three drinks behind."
-- Humphrey Bogart
@@ -1491,24 +1775,6 @@ down in silly puns about "standing erect".
%
The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit.
%
- Them Toad Suckers
-
-How 'bout them toad suckers, ain't they clods?
-Sittin' there suckin' them green toady frogs!
-
-Suckin' them hop toads, suckin' them chunkers,
-Suckin' them a leapy type, suckin' them flunkers.
-
-Look at them toad suckers, ain't they snappy?
-Suckin' them bog frogs sure make's 'em happy!
-
-Them hugger mugger toad suckers, way down south,
-Stickin' them sucky toads in they mouth!
-
-How to be a toad sucker, no way to duck it,
-Get yourself a toad, rear back, and suck it!
- -- Mason Williams
-%
There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong. What their
contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to
bomb a virgin building is terrific.
@@ -1522,9 +1788,16 @@ organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are
oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952]
-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
%
+There are three religious truths:
+1. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
+2. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the
+ Christian faith.
+3. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or
+ the adult book store.
+%
There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
%
-"There is a God, but He drinks"
+"There is a God, but He drinks."
-- Blore
%
There once was a couple named Kelley,
@@ -1533,17 +1806,17 @@ Who lived their life belly to belly.
They used Library Paste,
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
%
-There once was a fiesty young terrier
+There once was a feisty young terrier
Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
He'd yip and he'd yap,
- Then leap up and snap;
+ Then leap up and snap,
And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
%
There once was a freshman named Lin,
Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
A virgin named Joan
From a bible belt home,
-Said "This won't be much of a sin."
+Said, "This won't be much of a sin."
%
There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
@@ -1631,7 +1904,7 @@ There was a young lad name of Durcan
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
His father said, "Durcan!
Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
-Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'.
+Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'."
%
There was a young lady from Maine
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
@@ -1660,13 +1933,13 @@ Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
She said to her beau
- "Just look at me Joe
+ "Just look at me, Joe;
I think I've discovered one more way."
%
There was a young man from Bel-Aire
Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
- But the banister broke
- So he doubled his stroke
+ But the banister broke,
+ So he doubled his stroke,
And finished her off in mid-air.
%
There was a young man named Crockett
@@ -1687,7 +1960,7 @@ Who wanted to bugger the swans.
Said, "Pray take my daughter!
Those birds are reserved for the dons."
%
-There was a young whore from kaloo
+There was a young whore from Kaloo
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
@@ -1701,7 +1974,7 @@ Whose prick was remarkably short.
%
There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
- He fell on his cutlass
+ He fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
%
@@ -1753,10 +2026,10 @@ This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. So I'll put
Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck.
%
This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of management
-personal to various situations.
+personnel to various situations.
You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
-in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchillada casserole and
+in the plushest office you've ever seen. The enchilada casserole and
egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.
@@ -1780,7 +2053,7 @@ Did groove and trip out at the pad: The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt,
All whimsy were the slamming chicks, Crept past the hippies getting balled
And the Radcliffe undergrad. And doffed her miniskirt.
-"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through
+"Beware the Radcliffe girl, my son! One, two! One, two! And through
The looks that melt, the claws that and through
catch! The venerable staff went snicker-snack!
Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun He left her bred, sans maidenhead,
@@ -1791,22 +2064,11 @@ Long time the cool young stuff he Come to my arms, my horny boy!
sought -- O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!"
So rested he among the spree He cackled in his joy.
And paused to smoke some pot.
- 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
+ 'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod
Did groove and trip out at the pad:
All whimsy were the slamming chicks,
And the Radcliffe undergrad.
%
- Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn
-how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay,
-you say `ass' and I'll say `hell'".
- All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where
-their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.
- "Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."
-His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the
-room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
- "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
-it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
-%
"Under capitalism, man exploits man. Under Communism, it's just the
opposite."
-- John Kenneth Galbraith
@@ -1843,19 +2105,6 @@ walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas."
-- Ronald Reagan
%
-WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really
-[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms-
-reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the
-Russians. They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George
-Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this
-unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as
-though he just inhaled a helium party balloon. If he ever becomes
-President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so
-they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to
-George talk.
- -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
- Political Fallout"
-%
Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had
my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely
you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
@@ -1879,6 +2128,19 @@ The tiger staggers to his feet and looks at the elephant and says:
"Man, just because you don't know the answer, you don't have to get so
pissed."
%
+WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT. The MX is really
+[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms-
+reduction talks with the Russians. See, we have a problem with the
+Russians. They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George
+Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this
+unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as
+though he just inhaled a helium party balloon. If he ever becomes
+President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so
+they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to
+George talk.
+ -- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
+ Political Fallout"
+%
What can you use used tampons for? Tea bags for vampires.
%
What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?
@@ -1889,13 +2151,6 @@ Ford?
Figuring out what to do with the other 3K.
%
- "What the hell are you getting so upset about? I thought you
-didn't believe in God."
- "I don't," she sobbed, bursting violently into tears, "but the
-God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
-not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
- -- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
-%
When God created man, She was only testing.
%
When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
@@ -1908,12 +2163,6 @@ can't happen."
When it all boils down to the essence of truth one must live by a dog's
rule of life: if you can't eat it or fuck it, piss on it!
%
- When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her
-operation, the young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it
-would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't
-thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first
-patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
-%
While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
She explained, "They are flat,
@@ -1970,7 +2219,7 @@ no-no, you:
(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a prize
to the one who makes his nose bleed first.
-(c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick it up,
+(c) Drop your napkin on the floor, and when you bend over to pick it up,
blow your nose on your sock.
%
You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose
@@ -2016,14 +2265,3 @@ into your coffee. You:
to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently."
-- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b
%
- ... But among the children of the Great Society there were
-those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly,
-and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ...
- Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
-they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
-people go to the front of the bus."
- But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
-deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
-yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
-unto a snowball in Hell."
- -- "The Begatting of a President"
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2 b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2
index 58cfb6fa83a8..75cf324d97f5 100644
--- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2
@@ -1,3 +1,7 @@
+This fortune brought to you by:
+$FreeBSD$
+
+%
=======================================================================
|| ||
|| The FORTUNE-COOKIE program is soon to be a Major Motion Picture! ||
@@ -101,10 +105,10 @@ either. If you need some help, give us a call.
_--~~~#####// ' ` \\#####~~~--_
-~##########// ( ) \\##########~-_
-############// |\^^/| \\############-
- _~############// (O||O) \\############~_
- ~#############(( \\// ))#############~
+ _~############// (O||O) \\############~_
+ ~#############(( \\// ))#############~
-###############\\ (oo) //###############-
- -#################\\ / `' \ //#################-
+ -#################\\ / `' \ //#################-
-###################\\/ () \//###################-
_#/|##########/\######( (()) )######/\##########|\#_
|/ |#/\#/\#/\/ \#/\##| \()/ |##/\#/ \/\#/\#/\#| \|
@@ -145,7 +149,7 @@ been inspected. (You have 15 minutes.)
HISTORY
Describe the history of the papacy from its origins to the present
day, concentrating especially, but not exclusively, on its social, political,
-economic, religious and philisophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
+economic, religious and philosophical impact upon Europe, Asia, America, and
Africa. Be brief, concise, and specific.
BIOLOGY
@@ -296,10 +300,10 @@ steel industries.
And everyone thinks computers are impersonal
cold diskdrives hardware monitors
-user-hostile software
+user-hostile software
-of course they're only bits and bytes
-and characters and strings
+of course they're only bits and bytes
+and characters and strings
and files
just some old textfiles from my old boyfriend
@@ -317,7 +321,7 @@ on personal stationery
`O' LEVEL COUNTER CULTURE
Timewarp allowed: 3 hours. Do not scrawl situationalist graffiti in the
margins or stub your rollups in the inkwells. Orange may be worn. Credit
-will be given to candidates who self-actualise.
+will be given to candidates who self-actualize.
1: Compare and contrast Pink Floyd with Black Sabbath and say why
neither has street credibility.
@@ -372,15 +376,15 @@ Uzi submachine gun concealed in his attache case. Also in the case are four
fully loaded, 32-round clips of 125-grain 9mm ammunition. The owner of the
Uzi is going to get more tactical firepower delivered -- and delivered on
target -- in less time, and with less effort. All for $795. It's inevitable.
-If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal
+If you're going up against some guy with an Osborne 1 -- or any personal
computer -- he's the one who's in trouble. One round from an Uzi can zip
through ten inches of solid pine wood, so you can imagine what it will do
-to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines
-for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can
+to structural foam acrylic and sheet aluminum. In fact, detachable magazines
+for the Uzi are available in 25-, 32-, and 40-round capacities, so you can
take out an entire office full of Apple II or IBM Personal Computers tied
into Ethernet or other local-area networks. What about the new 16-bit
-computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup,
-they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what
+computers, like the Lisa and Fortune? Even with the Winchester backup,
+they're no match for the Uzi. One quick burst and they'll find out what
Unix means. Make your commanding officer proud. Get an Uzi -- and come home
a winner in the fight for office automatic weapons.
-- "InfoWorld", June, 1984
@@ -441,18 +445,6 @@ From 1 to the square root of 3
Of 3 PI over nine
Is the log of the cube root of e
%
- (1/2)
- / 3
- | 2 3 x 3.14 (1/2)
- | z dz cos (--------) = ln(e )
- / 1 9
-
-The integral, from one to root three,
-Of z to the second dz,
- Times the cosine
- Of 3 pi over nine
-Is the log of the third root of e.
-%
THE DAILY PLANET
SUPERMAN SAVES DESSERT!
@@ -589,23 +581,29 @@ the foreman, who had been nonchalantly watching the whole time.
"That's all you do?" answered the foreman scornfully. "Bird
imitations?"
%
+ A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a
+long-distance caw.
+%
A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating
his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test", said
the outsider, "because I want you to be happy."
Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the
toaster -- "I wish the toaster to be happy too".
%
- A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about
+ A doctor, an architect, and a computer scientist were arguing about
whose profession was the oldest. In the course of their arguments, they
got all the way back to the Garden of Eden, whereupon the doctor said, "The
medical profession is clearly the oldest, because Eve was made from Adam's
rib, as the story goes, and that was a simply incredible surgical feat."
- The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden
-itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden
+ The architect did not agree. He said, "But if you look at the Garden
+itself, in the beginning there was chaos and void, and out of that the Garden
and the world were created. So God must have been an architect."
- The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then
+ The computer scientist, who'd listened carefully to all of this, then
commented, "Yes, but where do you think the chaos came from?"
%
+ A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
+house of seven gobbles.
+%
A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and
the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
@@ -628,9 +626,6 @@ the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
her birthday. An hour later, when wandered through the house, he found her
looking at a puddle in the center of the kitchen. "My pup," she murmured
sadly, "runneth over."
- Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
-the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
-"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
%
A German, a Pole and a Czech left camp for a hike through the woods.
After being reported missing a day or two later, rangers found two bears,
@@ -658,19 +653,19 @@ hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
%
- A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
-dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
+ A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
+dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
brother and inquires after his pet.
"Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
- The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
-he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
-of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
-outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
+ The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
+he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
+of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
+outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
"Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
"Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
How's Mom?"
- His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
+ His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
outside one day..."
%
A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
@@ -680,16 +675,13 @@ be? I raised that dog from a pup to be a vicious killer."
"Yes, well, that's all well and good," replied the first, "but my
dog's stuck in its throat."
%
- A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
-days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
- A crow perched himself on a telephone wire. He was going to make a
-long-distance caw.
- A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a
-new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
A hard-luck actor who appeared in one colossal disaster after another
finally got a break, a broken leg to be exact. Someone pointed out that it's
the first time the poor fellow's been in the same cast for more than a week.
%
+ A horse breeder has his young colts bottle-fed after they're three
+days old. He heard that a foal and his mummy are soon parted.
+%
A housewife, an accountant and a lawyer were asked to add 2 and 2.
The housewife replied, "Four!".
The accountant said, "It's either 3 or 4. Let me run those figures
@@ -732,7 +724,7 @@ German, can knit and can curse in Latin.
told, "that one is 150,000."
"Why, what can it do?" he asks.
"Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
-do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
+do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
-- being told in Poland, 1987
%
A man from AI walked across the mountains to SAIL to see the Master,
@@ -761,6 +753,10 @@ help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
"Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that
won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
%
+ A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
+during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he
+was making a bolt for the door.
+%
A man sank into the psychiatrist's couch and said, "I have a
terrible problem, Doctor. I have a son at Harvard and another son at
Princeton; I've just gifted each of them with a new Ferrari; I've got
@@ -777,17 +773,10 @@ something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for
my 'gator."
%
- A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
- A man pleaded innocent of any wrong doing when caught by the police
-during a raid at the home of a mobster, excusing himself by claiming that he
-was making a bolt for the door.
- A farm in the country side had several turkeys, it was known as the
-house of seven gobbles.
A man was reading The Canterbury Tales one Saturday morning, when his
wife asked "What have you got there?" Replied he, "Just my cup and Chaucer."
- A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
- Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
-Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
+%
+ A man who keeps stealing mopeds is an obvious cycle-path.
%
A manager asked a programmer how long it would take him to finish the
program on which he was working. "I will be finished tomorrow," the programmer
@@ -902,6 +891,9 @@ drove to the mall and bought imported consumer electronics goods.
MORAL OF THE STORY: Invest in foreign consumer electronics manufacturers.
-- Tom Annau
%
+ A musical reviewer admitted he always praised the first show of a
+new theatrical season. "Who am I to stone the first cast?"
+%
A musician of more ambition than talent composed an elegy at
the death of composer Edward MacDowell. She played the elegy for the
pianist Josef Hoffman, then asked his opinion. "Well, it's quite
@@ -1044,7 +1036,7 @@ with social conventions?"
%
A ranger was walking through the forest and encountered a hunter
carrying a shotgun and a dead loon. "What in the world do you think you're
-doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endagered species list?"
+doing? Don't you know that the loon is on the endangered species list?"
Instead of answering, the hunter showed the ranger his game bag,
which contained twelve more loons.
"Why would you shoot loons?", the ranger asked.
@@ -1071,7 +1063,7 @@ only to receive the following notice: "We must report that during the handling
of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were involved in an
unusual laboratory experience." The use of the passive is a particularly nice
touch, don't you think? Nobody did anything to the films; they just had a bad
-experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
+experience. Of course our reader can always go back to Tibet and take his
pictures all over again, using the twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously
sent him.
-- Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE)
@@ -1117,7 +1109,7 @@ going to it is so large.
electronics more likely to leak than say Bosch? Hmmm... Aha!!! Lucas is
British, and all things British leak! British convertible tops leak water,
British engines leak oil, British displacer units leak hydrostatic fluid, and
-I might add Brititsh tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
+I might add British tires leak air, and the British defense unit leaks
secrets... so naturally British electronics leak smoke.
-- Jack Banton, PCC Automotive Electrical School
%
@@ -1138,15 +1130,17 @@ this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
"Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
"Well, would you live in this house?"
- "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
+ "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
I've always loved it here."
"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"She's left handed."
%
- A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
-to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
+ A women was in love with fourteen soldiers, it was clearly platoonic.
+%
+ A young honeymoon couple were touring southern Florida and happened
+to stop at one of the rattlesnake farms along the road. After seeing the
sights, they engaged in small talk with the man that handled the snakes.
"Gosh!" exclaimed the new bride. "You certainly have a dangerous job.
Don't you ever get bitten by the snakes?"
@@ -1194,7 +1188,7 @@ favorite robot, faithful old Yewtoo Artoo, to carry his gear and do assorted
camp chores.
The Israelites soon got over their initial fear of the robot and,
as the months passed, became very fond of him. Patriarchs took to
-discussing abtruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
+discussing abstruse theological problems with him, and each evening the
children all gathered to hear the many stories with which he was programmed.
Therefore it came as a great shock to them when, just as their journey was
ending, he abruptly wore out. Even Feghoot couldn't console them.
@@ -1211,7 +1205,7 @@ realize the full significance of Pharoah's oxhide!"
Feghoot!"
%
After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
-earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
+earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
"No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
name for my baby."
@@ -1257,24 +1251,6 @@ impressed and they cheer again. The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
screams: "Anybody got a match?"
%
- An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He
- knows he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully
-and with great restraint.
- As he designs the first work, frill after frill and
- embellishment after embellishment occur to him. These get
-stored away to be used "next time." Sooner or later the first system
-is finished, and the architect, with firm confidence and a demonstrated
-mastery of that class of systems, is ready to build a second system.
- This second is the most dangerous system a man ever designs.
-When he does his third and later ones, his prior experiences will
-confirm each other as to the general characteristics of such systems,
-and their differences will identify those parts of his experience that
-are particular and not generalizable.
- The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using
-all the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first
-one. The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile."
- -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
-%
An architect's first work is apt to be spare and clean. He knows
he doesn't know what he's doing, so he does it carefully and with great
restraint.
@@ -1291,6 +1267,7 @@ generalizable.
The general tendency is to over-design the second system, using all
the ideas and frills that were cautiously sidetracked on the first one.
The result, as Ovid says, is a "big pile".
+ -- Frederick Brooks, "The Mythical Man Month"
%
An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She
@@ -1338,7 +1315,7 @@ and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
while plunging the knife into his heart.
The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
-"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
+"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
%
@@ -1508,12 +1485,16 @@ it some other time, Carrie."
She gave it up.
-- Sinclair Lewis, "Main Street"
%
+ Catching his children with their hands in the new, still wet, patio,
+the father spanked them. His wife asked, "Don't you love your children?"
+"In the abstract, yes, but not in the concrete."
+%
Chapter VIII
Due to the convergence of forces beyond his comprehension,
Salvatore Quanucci was suddenly squirted out of the universe
like a watermelon seed, and never heard from again.
%
- Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermount noted
+ Concerning the war in Vietnam, Senator George Aiken of Vermont noted
in January, 1966, "I'm not very keen for doves or hawks. I think we need more
owls."
-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
@@ -1569,7 +1550,7 @@ CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.
Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
%
- "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
+ "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
%
"Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
@@ -1593,7 +1574,7 @@ white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.
Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17)
-p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns?
+p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns?
Or is Vaseline better?
%
"Don't come back until you have him", the Tick-Tock Man said quietly,
@@ -1634,13 +1615,13 @@ him arrested for carrying a congealed weapon.
She's a women who conks to stupor.
Upon reading a story about a man who throttled his mother-in-law, a
man commented, "Sounds to me like a practical choker."
- It's not the inital skirt length, it's the upcreep.
+ It's not the initial skirt length, it's the upcreep.
It's the theory of Jess Birnbaum, of Time magazine, that women with
bad legs should stick to long skirts because they cover a multitude of shins.
%
- During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
-blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
-country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
+ During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
+blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
+country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
hit my wife."
"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot
at mine, over there."
@@ -1651,12 +1632,12 @@ after their wedding, he presented the lady to a friend who said politely,
"Congratulations, Herr d'Albert; you have rarely introduced me to so
charming a wife."
%
- Everthing is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
+ Everything is farther away than it used to be. It is even twice as
far to the corner and they have added a hill. I have given up running for
the bus; it leaves earlier than it used to.
It seems to me they are making the stairs steeper than in the old
days. And have you noticed the smaller print they use in the newspapers?
- There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everbody
+ There is no sense in asking anyone to read aloud anymore, as everybody
speaks in such a low voice I can hardly hear them.
The material in dresses is so skimpy now, especially around the hips
and waist, that it is almost impossible to reach one's shoelaces. And the
@@ -1745,13 +1726,13 @@ had the same fiancee, and told him. "Get out of our lives you rascal. We'll
teach you that you can't have your Kate and Edith, too."
A domineering man married a mere wisp of a girl. He came back from
his honeymoon a chastened man. He'd become aware of the will of the wisp.
- A young husband with an inferiorty complex insisted he was just a
+ A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a
little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to
save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."
%
- Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
-engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
-was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
+ Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
+engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
+was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
and sarcastic?"
"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
@@ -1763,8 +1744,8 @@ extracurricular activity except you."
%
"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
-beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
-dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
+beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
+dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
%
@@ -1835,7 +1816,7 @@ for it is complete within itself. It exists beyond space and time."
Software and Hardware, ashamed, returned to their homes.
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
- Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
+ Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
@@ -1851,7 +1832,7 @@ the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
-situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
+situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
@@ -2048,7 +2029,7 @@ I think very probably he might be cured."
things that are called the eyes, and which exist to make an agreeable soft
depression in the face, are diseased, in the case of Bogota, in such a way
as to affect his brain. They are greatly distended, he has eyelashes, and
-his eyelids move, and cosequently his brain is in a state of constant
+his eyelids move, and consequently his brain is in a state of constant
irritation and distraction."
"Yes?" said old Yacob. "Yes?"
"And I think I may say with reasonable certainty that, in order
@@ -2069,7 +2050,7 @@ at present".
myself the pleasure of contradicting him abruptly, and of showing him
immediately some absurdity in his proposition. In answering I began by
observing that in certain cases or circumstances his opinion would be right,
-but in the present case there appeared or semed to me some difference, etc.
+but in the present case there appeared or seemed to me some difference, etc.
I soon found the advantage of this change in my manner; the
conversations I engaged in went on more pleasantly. The modest way in which I
proposed my opinions procured them a readier reception and less contradiction.
@@ -2108,7 +2089,7 @@ closing the book.
-- Susan Brownmiller, "Against Our Will"
%
[I plan] to see, hear, touch, and destroy everything in my path,
-including beets, rutabegas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams,
+including beets, rutabagas, and most random vegetables, but excluding yams,
as I am absolutely terrified of yams...
Actually, I think my fear of yams began in my early youth, when many
of my young comrades pelted me with same for singing songs of far-off lands
@@ -2158,7 +2139,7 @@ we'll either all go into the playoffs, or we'll all go home and play golf.
If you rap your knuckles against a window jamb or door, if you
brush your leg against a bed or desk, if you catch your foot in a curled-
up corner of a rug, or strike a toe against a desk or chair, go back and
-repeat the sequence.
+repeat the sequence.
You will find yourself surprised how far off course you were to
hit that window jamb, that door, that chair. Get back on course and do it
again. How can you pilot a spacecraft if you can't find your way around
@@ -2237,7 +2218,7 @@ pie-bakers and pie-dividers is way out of whack." Could Dick Butcher have
been an efficiency expert?
-- Motor Trend, May 1983
%
- In the begining, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
+ In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
mud."
And there was mud.
And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
@@ -2261,7 +2242,7 @@ evening and there was morning, one interrupt.
-- Rico Tudor, "The Story of Creation or, The Myth of Urk"
%
In the beginning there was only one kind of Mathematician, created by
-the Great Mathamatical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to
+the Great Mathematical Spirit form the Book: the Topologist. And they grew to
large numbers and prospered.
One day they looked up in the heavens and desired to reach up as far
as the eye could see. So they set out in building a Mathematical edifice that
@@ -2294,7 +2275,7 @@ sat hacking at the PDP-6.
At this Minsky shut his eyes, and Sussman asked his teacher "Why do
you close your eyes?"
"So that the room will be empty."
- At that momment, Sussman was enlightened.
+ At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.
%
In the east there is a shark which is larger than all other fish. It
changes into a bird whose winds are like clouds filling the sky. When this
@@ -2403,7 +2384,7 @@ not be pleased with this plan, because they want you all to themselves and
because in the presence of your friend, they will have to act like mature
human beings.
The worst kind of friend to take home is a girl, because in that case,
-there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the
+there is the potential that your parents will lose you not just for the
duration of the visit but forever. The worst kind of girl to take home is one
of a different religion: Not only will you be lost to your parents forever but
you will be lost to a woman who is immune to their religious/moral arguments
@@ -2414,7 +2395,7 @@ response to anyone of a different religion. How to prepare them for the shock?
Simple. Call them up shortly before your visit and tell them that you
have gotten quite serious about somebody who is of a different religion, a
different race and the same sex. Tell them you have already invited this
-person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then
+person to meet them. Give the information a moment to sink in and then
remark that you were only kidding, that your lover is merely of a different
religion. They will be so relieved they will welcome her with open arms.
-- Playboy, January, 1983
@@ -2582,6 +2563,9 @@ smacked his lips with relish.
"Naw, I gotta git outa here, boy," the man grunted. "Big Mike's
a-comin'."
%
+ Max told his friend that he'd just as soon not go hiking in the hills.
+Said he, "I'm an anti-climb Max."
+%
Most of what I really need to know about how to live, and what to do,
and how to be, I learned in kindergarten. Wisdom was not at the top of the
graduate school mountain but there in the sandbox at nursery school.
@@ -2638,10 +2622,10 @@ people in England, they've chosen you, it's a great honour, son."
Laughingly I felled her with a right cross.
-- Spike Milligan
%
- Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
+ Moving along a dimly light street, a man I know was suddenly
approached by a stranger who had slipped from the shadows nearby.
"Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "would you be so kind as
-to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
+to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work?
All I have in the world is this gun."
%
Mr. Jones related an incident from "some time back" when IBM Canada
@@ -2679,7 +2663,7 @@ We were 15 days on the water, and 3 on the boat when we finally arrived in
Africa. Upon our arrival we immediately set up a rigorous schedule: Up at
6:00, breakfast, and back in bed by 7:00. Pretty soon we were back in bed by
6:30. Now Africa is full of big game. The first day I shot two bucks. That
-was the biggest game we had. Africa is primerally inhabited by Elks, Moose
+was the biggest game we had. Africa is primarily inhabited by Elks, Moose
and Knights of Pithiests.
The elks live up in the mountains and come down once a year for their
annual conventions. And you should see them gathered around the water hole,
@@ -2723,10 +2707,18 @@ audience, either."
-- Reverse the bits in a word.
%
+ n = (n & 0x55555555) + ((n & 0xaaaaaaaa) >> 1);
+ n = (n & 0x33333333) + ((n & 0xcccccccc) >> 2);
+ n = (n & 0x0f0f0f0f) + ((n & 0xf0f0f0f0) >> 4);
+ n = (n & 0x00ff00ff) + ((n & 0xff00ff00) >> 8);
+ n = (n & 0x0000ffff) + ((n & 0xffff0000) >> 16);
+
+-- Count the bits in a word.
+%
Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
-cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal committment.
+cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment.
Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
@@ -2765,18 +2757,18 @@ can't."
%
Now she speaks rapidly. "Do you know *why* you want to program?"
He shakes his head. He hasn't the faintest idea.
- "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.
-"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program,
-born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the
-program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever
-stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,
+ "For the sheer *joy* of programming!" she cries triumphantly.
+"The joy of the parent, the artist, the craftsman. "You take a program,
+born weak and impotent as a dimly-realized solution. You nurture the
+program and guide it down the right path, building, watching it grow ever
+stronger. Sometimes you paint with tiny strokes, a keystroke added here,
a keystroke changed there." She sweeps her arm in a wide arc. "And other
-times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very
-*essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the
-program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching
-the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can
+times you savage whole *blocks* of code, ripping out the program's very
+*essence*, then beginning anew. But always building, creating, filling the
+program with your own personal stamp, your own quirks and nuances. Watching
+the program grow stronger, patching it when it crashes, until finally it can
stand alone -- proud, powerful, and perfect. This is the programmer's finest
-hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.
+hour!" Softly at first, then louder, he hears the strains of a Sousa march.
"This ... this is your canvas! your clay! Go forth and create a masterwork!"
%
Obviously the subject of death was in the air, but more as something
@@ -2832,11 +2824,11 @@ wreckage. "Why don't you look where the hell you're going!"
dusted himself off. "And why don't you just wear a wristwatch like a
normal person?"
%
- On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
-to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
-There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
-alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
-dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
+ On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
+to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
+There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
+alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
+dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
saying."
The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
@@ -2948,8 +2940,8 @@ stepped absentmindedly stepped over the sleeping lion on his way back to his
car. Immediately, 1500 policemen converged on him and arrested him for
transporting a myna across a staid lion for immortal porpoises.
%
- Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll
-through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated
+ Once upon a time there was a beautiful young girl taking a stroll
+through the woods. All at once she saw an extremely ugly bull frog seated
on a log and to her amazement the frog spoke to her. "Maiden," croaked the
frog, "would you do me a favor? This will be hard for you to believe, but
I was once a handsome, charming prince and then a mean, ugly old witch cast
@@ -3134,7 +3126,7 @@ body functions.
Penn's aunts made great apple pies at low prices. No one else in
town could compete with the pie rates of Penn's aunts.
During the American Revolution, a Britisher tried to raid a farm. He
-stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an agressive Rhode
+stumbled across a rock on the ground and fell, whereupon an aggressive Rhode
Island Red hopped on top. Seeing this, the farmer commented, "Chicken catch
a Tory!"
A wife started serving chopped meat, Monday hamburger, Tuesday meat
@@ -3226,7 +3218,7 @@ maybe a kink in whatever blood vessel leads into the pineal gland... On
the other hand, it might be something as simple & basically perverse as
whatever instinct it is that causes a jackrabbit to wait until the last
possible second to dart across the road in front of a speeding car.
- -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing: On the Campaign Trail"
%
"Richard, in being so fierce toward my vampire, you were doing
what you wanted to do, even though you thought it was going to hurt
@@ -3282,7 +3274,7 @@ Someone I need.
Sam went to his psychiatrist complaining of a hatred for elephants.
"I can't stand elephants," he explained. "I lie awake nights despising
them. The thought of an elephant fills me with loathing."
- "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
+ "Sam," said the psychiatrist, "there's only one thing for you to do.
Go to Africa, organize a safari, find an elephant in the jungle and shoot it.
That way you'll get it out of your system."
Sam immediately made arrangements for a safari hunt in Africa,
@@ -3291,13 +3283,13 @@ time getting out on the jungle trails. After they had been hunting for
several days, Sam's best friend grabbed him by the arm one morning and
yelled at him:
"Sam, Sam, Sam! Over there behind that tree there's and elephant!
-Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
+Sam -- Get your gun -- no, no, not THAT gun -- the rifle with the longer
barrel! Now aim it! QUICK! SAM! QUICK! No! Not that way -- this way!
Be sure you don't jerk the trigger! Wait SAM! Don't let him see you! Aim
at his head!"
Sam whirled around, took aim, and killed his friend. He was put in
prison and his psychiatrist flew to Africa to visit him. "I sent you over
-here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
+here to kill and elephant and instead you shoot your best friend," the
psychiatrist said. "Why?"
"Well," Sam replied, "there's only one thing in the world that I
hate more than elephants and that is a loudmouth know-it-all!"
@@ -3484,7 +3476,7 @@ to the Berkeley UNIX version of `ls'?"
%
Strange memories on this nervous night in Las Vegas. Five years later?
Six? It seems like a lifetime, or at least a Main Era -- the kind of peak that
-never comes again. San Fransisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
+never comes again. San Francisco in the middle sixties was a very special time
and place to be a part of. Maybe it meant something. Maybe not, in the long
run... There was madness in any direction, at any hour. If not across the
Bay, then up the Golden Gate or down 101 to Los Altos or La Honda... You could
@@ -3729,7 +3721,7 @@ liquid.
He switches me on to a positive behavioral format for maximal
prestige of His identity.
It should indeed be said that notwithstanding the fact that I make
-ambulatory progress through the umbragious inter-hill mortality slot, terror
+ambulatory progress through the umbrageous inter-hill mortality slot, terror
sensations will no be initiated in me, due to para-etical phenomena.
Your pastoral walking aid and quadrupic pickup unit introduce me
into a pleasurific mood state.
@@ -3766,11 +3758,11 @@ you know where it might be?"
in the data center."
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
- The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon
-emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I
+ The Martian landed his saucer in Manhattan, and immediately upon
+emerging was approached by a panhandler. "Mister," said the man, "can I
have a quarter?"
The Martian asked, "What's a quarter?"
- The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're
+ The panhandler thought a minute, brightened, then said, "You're
right! Can I have a dollar?"
%
The master programmer moves from program to program without fear. No
@@ -4053,7 +4045,7 @@ appropriate for the master is not appropriate for the novice. You must
understand the Tao before transcending structure."
-- Geoffrey James, "The Tao of Programming"
%
- There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessan. Seems one
+ There once was this swami who lived above a delicatessen. Seems one
day he decided to stop in downstairs for some fresh liver. Well, the owner
of the deli was a bit of a cheap-skate, and decided to pick up a little extra
change at his customer's expense. Turning quietly to the counterman, he
@@ -4076,8 +4068,8 @@ you the Widow Miffin?" a small boy asked.
they're carrying upstairs!"
%
There was a mad scientist (a mad... social... scientist) who kidnapped
-three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
-each of them in seperate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
+three colleagues, an engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician, and locked
+each of them in separate cells with plenty of canned food and water but no
can opener.
A month later, returning, the mad scientist went to the engineer's
cell and found it long empty. The engineer had constructed a can opener from
@@ -4166,10 +4158,10 @@ spread only for demons or for gods."
-- Gordon R. Dickson, "Soldier Ask Not"
%
"They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
-parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
+parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
-Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
+Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
"Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
@@ -4181,7 +4173,7 @@ country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
- "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
+ "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
"It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
@@ -4202,24 +4194,6 @@ attention to a license agreement, bloodthirsty or not. Just keep your doors
locked and look out for the HavenTree attack shark.
-- License Agreement for Interactive Easyflow
%
- Thompson, if he is to be believed, has sampled the entire rainbow of
-legal and illegal drugs in heroic efforts to feel better than he does.
- As for the truth about his health: I have asked around about it. I
-am told that he appears to be strong and rosy, and steadily sane. But we
-will be doing what he wants us to do, I think, if we consider his exterior
-a sort of Dorian Gray facade. Inwardly, he is being eaten alive by tinhorn
-politicians.
- The disease is fatal. There is no known cure. The most we can do
-for the poor devil, it seems to me, is to name his disease in his honor.
-From this moment on, let all those who feel that Americans can be as easily
-led to beauty as to ugliness, to truth as to public relations, to joy as to
-bitterness, be said to be suffering from Hunter Thompson's disease. I don't
-have it this morning. It comes and goes. This morning I don't have Hunter
-Thompson's disease.
- -- Kurt Vonnegut Jr., on Dr. Hunter S. Thompson: Excerpt
- from "A Political Disease", Vonnegut's review of "Fear and
- Loathing: On the Campaign Trail '72"
-%
To A Quick Young Fox
Why jog exquisite bulk, fond crazy vamp,
Daft buxom jonquil, zephyr's gawky vice?
@@ -4306,13 +4280,13 @@ lawyers insisted. We tried to ignore them but they threatened us with the
attack shark at which point we relented.
-- Haven Tree Software Limited, "Interactive EasyFlow"
%
- "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
-and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
-trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
-in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
-predatory.
- The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
-at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that,
+ "We friends, yes?" The shoe shine boy put on his hustling smile
+and looked into the Sailor's dead, cold, undersea eyes, eyes without a
+trace of warmth or lust or hate or any feeling the boy had experienced
+in himself or seen in another, at once cold and intense, impersonal and
+predatory.
+ The Sailor leaned forward and put a finger on the boy's inner arm
+at the elbow. He spoke in his dead junky whisper. "With veins like that,
Kid, I'd have myself a time!"
-- William Burroughs
%
@@ -4354,7 +4328,7 @@ explain the failure of your three marriages."
product."
-- Jules Feiffer
%
- Well, he thought, since neither Aristotilian Logic nor the disciplines
+ Well, he thought, since neither Aristotelian Logic nor the disciplines
of Science seemed to offer much hope, it's time to go beyond them...
Drawing a few deep even breaths, he entered a mental state practiced
only by Masters of the Universal Way of Zen. In it his mind floated freely,
@@ -4373,9 +4347,9 @@ destroying Subject-Object by becoming them.
Nakamura arose, a smile on his face and the light of laughter in his eyes.
-- Wayfarer
%
- "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
-blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
-blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
+ "Well, it's a little rough... it might not be necessary to drag him 40
+blocks. Maybe just four. You could put him in the trunk for the first 36
+blocks, then haul him out and drag him the last four; that would certainly
scare the piss out of him, bumping alone the street, feeling all his skin being
ripped off..."
"He'd be a bloody mess. They might think he was just some drunk and
@@ -4391,7 +4365,7 @@ in the street, bleeding to death...'"
"... and we think it's Mr. Colson."
"It would be quite a story for the newspapers, wouldn't it?"
"Yeah, I think it's safe to say we'd see some headlines on that one."
- -- H. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson,
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson, talking to R. Steadman on C. Colson,
ex-Marine captain, now born again, of Watergate fame.
%
"Well, it's garish, ugly, and derelicts have used it for a toilet.
@@ -4487,7 +4461,7 @@ fantasies?"
"You keep it to yourself."
-- Broadcast News
%
- "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
+ "What do you give a man who has everything?" the pretty teenager
asked her mother.
"Encouragement, dear," she replied.
%
@@ -4525,7 +4499,7 @@ it does. We call it a two-by-four."
-- "Shoe", Jeff MacNelly
%
When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
-his support of Bary Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
+his support of Barry Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
political views.
"Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer. He was
@@ -4575,7 +4549,7 @@ Piglet.
Pooh nodded thoughtfully. "It's the same thing," he said.
%
While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
-the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
+the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
"Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
@@ -4704,13 +4678,13 @@ and you may feel free to kick his ass."
-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
%
"You say there are two types of people?"
- "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that
+ "Yes, those who separate people into two groups and those that
don't."
"Wrong. There are three groups:
Those who separate people into three groups.
Those who don't separate people into groups.
Those who can't decide."
- "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into
+ "Wait a minute, what about people who separate people into
two groups?"
"Oh. Okay, then there are four groups."
"Aren't you then separating people into four groups?"
@@ -4841,7 +4815,7 @@ man.
Set the variable $LOSERS to all the people that you think are losers. This
will cause all said losers to have the variable $PEOPLE-WHO-THINK-I-AM-A-LOSER
-updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a
+updated in their .login file. Should you attempt to execute a job on a
machine with poor response time and a machine on your local net is currently
populated by losers, that machine will be freed up for your job through a
cold boot process.
@@ -4851,7 +4825,7 @@ cold boot process.
A new system, the CIRCULATORY system, has been added.
The long-experimental CIRCULATORY system has been released to users. The
-Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the
+Lisp Machine uses Type B fluid, the L machine uses Type A fluid. When the
switch to Common Lisp occurs both machines will, of course, be Type O.
Please check fluid level by using the DIP stick which is located in the
back of VMI monitors. Unchecked low fluid levels can cause poor paging
@@ -4873,22 +4847,22 @@ please communicate them by one of the following paths:
For that personal contact feeling call 1-415-642-4948; our trained
operators are on call 24 hours a day. VISA/MC accepted.*
-* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not
+* Our very rich lawyers have assured us that we are not
responsible for any errors or advice given over the phone.
%
=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
CAR and CDR now return extra values.
-The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble
-to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as
-well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to
+The function CAR now returns two values. Since it has to go to the trouble
+to figure out if the object is carcdr-able anyway, we figured you might as
+well get both halves at once. For example, the following code shows how to
destructure a cons (SOME-CONS) into its two slots (THE-CAR and THE-CDR):
(MULTIPLE-VALUE-BIND (THE-CAR THE-CDR) (CAR SOME-CONS) ...)
For symmetry with CAR, CDR returns a second value which is the CAR of the
-object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been
+object. In a related change, the functions MAKE-ARRAY and CONS have been
fixed so they don't allocate any storage except on the stack. This should
hopefully help people who don't like using the garbage collector because
it cold boots the machine so often.
@@ -4929,16 +4903,16 @@ messages (such as IEC703, "disk error") and allows you to dequeue your job.
%
=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
-The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage
+The garbage collector now works. In addition a new, experimental garbage
collection algorithm has been installed. With SI:%DSK-GC-QLX-BITS set to 17,
-(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when
+(NOT the default) the old garbage collection algorithm remains in force; when
virtual storage is filled, the machine cold boots itself. With SI:%DSK-GC-
QLX-BITS set to 23, the new garbage collector is enabled. Unlike most garbage
-collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather
-than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly
+collectors, the new gc starts its mark phase from the mind of the user, rather
+than from the obarray. This allows the garbage collection of significantly
more Qs. As the garbage collector runs, it may ask you something like "Do you
remember what SI:RDTBL-TRANS does?", and if you can't give a reasonable answer
-in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable
+in thirty seconds, the symbol becomes a candidate for GCing. The variable
SI:%GC-QLX-LUSER-TM governs how long the GC waits before timing out the user.
%
=== ALL USERS PLEASE NOTE ========================
@@ -4963,10 +4937,10 @@ We hope this clears up the many questions we've had about it.
%
**** CONVENTION REMINDER
-No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
-Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice
-smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
-carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
+No experiment was approved for the convention by the Human Subjects
+Committee of the Psychiatric Convention Planning Team. If you notice
+smoke coming from under a closed door, if you find a body on the hotel
+carpet, or if you just meet someone who orders you to press a button
marked "450 volts", react as you would normally.
%
**** GROWTH CENTER REPAIR SERVICE
@@ -5043,7 +5017,7 @@ that he didn't force you down on the asking price.
To minimize scheduling confusion, please realize that if you are taking one
course which is offered at only one time on a given day, and another which is
-offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
+offered at all times on that day, the second class will be arranged as to
afford maximum inconvenience to the student. For example, if you happen
to work on campus, you will have 1-2 hours between classes. If you commute,
there will be a minimum of 6 hours between the two classes.
@@ -5075,7 +5049,7 @@ astray by hunting and pecking.
inveterate skeptic I have closed my mind to the truth. Most notably I have
ignored the evidence for an Earth that is six thousand years old. Well, I
haven't ignored it; I considered the purported evidence and *then* rejected
-it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
+it. There is a difference, and this is a difference, we might say, between
prejudice and postjudice. Prejudice is making a judgment before you have
looked at the facts. Postjudice is making a judgment afterwards. Prejudice
is terrible, in the sense that you commit injustices and you make serious
@@ -5232,7 +5206,7 @@ What's that? A chartreuse flamethrower?"
%
*** NEWS FLASH ***
-Archeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
+Archaeologists find PDP-11/24 inside brain cavity of fossilized dinosaur
skeleton! Many Digital users fear that RSX-11M may be even more primitive
than DEC admits. Price adjustments at 11:00.
%
@@ -5262,7 +5236,7 @@ awareness of the great goals for Man and the society he conspired to erect.
canine with innovative maneuvers.
-- Eschew the implement of correction and vitiate the scion.
-- The temperature of the aqueous content of an unremittingly
- galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Farenheit.
+ galled saucepan does not reach 212 degrees Fahrenheit.
%
... So the documentary-makers stick with sharks. Generally, their
procedure is to scatter bleeding fish pieces around their boat, so as
@@ -5282,21 +5256,21 @@ dangerous development, although clearly it is what they wanted all along.
%
***** Special AI Seminar (abstract)
-It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge
+It has been widely recognized that AI programs require expert knowledge
in order to perform well in complex domains. But knowledge alone is not
-sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly,
-we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call
-"wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a
-wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.
-IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom
-about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so
-forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic
-rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL
-succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed
-in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those
+sufficient for some applications; wisdom is needed as well. Accordingly,
+we have developed a new approach to artificial intelligence which we call
+"wisdom engineering". As a test of our ideas, we have written IMMANUEL, a
+wisdom based system for the task domain of western philosophical thought.
+IMMANUEL was supplied initially with 200 wisdom units which contained wisdom
+about such elementary concepts as mind, matter, being, nothingness, and so
+forth. IMMANUEL was then allowed to run freely, guided by the heuristic
+rules contained in its heterarchically organized meta wisdom base. IMMANUEL
+succeeded in rediscovering most of the important philosophical ideas developed
+in western culture over the course of the last 25 centuries, including those
underlying Plato's theory of government, Kant's metaphysics, Nietzsche's theory
-of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe
-IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly
+of value, and Husserl's phenomenology. In this seminar, we will describe
+IMMANUEL's achievements and internal architecture. We will also briefly
discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
%
-- THE BATES MOTEL --
@@ -5320,7 +5294,7 @@ discuss our recent efforts to apply wisdom engineering to oil exploration.
optimal cachinnation.
-- Eleemosynary deeds have their initial incidence intramurally.
%
-... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that commitee. These guys
+... there are about 5,000 people who are part of that committee. These guys
have a hard time sorting out what day to meet, and whether to eat croissants
or doughnuts for breakfast -- let alone how to define how all these complex
layers that are going to be agreed upon.
@@ -5381,7 +5355,7 @@ established as our planet's shape and position. Our continuing struggle
to understand how evolution happens (the "theory of evolution") does not
cast our documentation of its occurrence -- the "fact of evolution" --
into doubt.
- -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",
+ -- Stephen Jay Gould, "The Verdict on Creationism",
The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII No. 2.
%
... when fits of creativity run strong, more than one programmer or writer
@@ -5580,7 +5554,7 @@ increase to more than $100,000,000 -- by which time it will be worth nothing.
1/2 oz. gin
1/2 oz. vodka
1/2 oz. rum (preferably dark)
-3/4 oz. tequilla
+3/4 oz. tequila
1/2 oz. triple sec
1/2 oz. orange juice
3/4 oz. sour mix
@@ -5845,7 +5819,7 @@ of turning around three times before lying down.
A boy gets to be a man when a man is needed.
-- John Steinbeck
%
-A budget is just a method of worrying
+A budget is just a method of worrying
before you spend money, as well as afterward.
%
A bug in the code is worth two in the documentation.
@@ -5915,18 +5889,18 @@ A celebrity is a person who is known for his well-knownness.
A certain amount of opposition is a help, not a hindrance.
Kites rise against the wind, not with it.
%
-A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
-had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
-various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue
-invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
-and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
-asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
-between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
-string which he proferred wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk
-was enlightened.
-
-From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after
-string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
+A certain monk had a habit of pestering the Grand Tortue (the only one who
+had ever reached the Enlightenment 'Yond Enlightenment), by asking whether
+various objects had Buddha-nature or not. To such a question Tortue
+invariably sat silent. The monk had already asked about a bean, a lake,
+and a moonlit night. One day he brought to Tortue a piece of string, and
+asked the same question. In reply, the Grand Tortue grasped the loop
+between his feet and, with a few simple manipulations, created a complex
+string which he proferred wordlessly to the monk. At that moment, the monk
+was enlightened.
+
+From then on, the monk did not bother Tortue. Instead, he made string after
+string by Tortue's method; and he passed the method on to his own disciples,
who passed it on to theirs.
%
A certain old cat had made his home in the alley behind Gabe's bar for some
@@ -5945,10 +5919,10 @@ go on to the kitty afterworld complete.
the law -- no retailing spirits after 2:00 AM."
%
A Chicago salesman was about to check into a St. Louis hotel when he noticed
-a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke
+a very charming woman staring admiringly at him. He walked over and spoke
with her for a few minutes, then returned to the front desk, where they checked
in as Mr. and Mrs.
- After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front
+ After a very pleasurable three-day stay, the man approached the front
desk and told the clerk he was checking out. In a few minutes, he was handed
a bill for $2500.
"There must be some mistake," the salesman said. "I've been here for
@@ -5970,7 +5944,7 @@ Saturday and is going to do on Monday.
A chronic disposition to inquiry
deprives domestic felines of vital qualities.
%
-A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit
+A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit
will approach you soon. Avoid him. He's a Commie.
%
A citizen of America will cross the ocean to fight for democracy, but
@@ -6020,7 +5994,7 @@ A CODE OF ETHICAL BEHAVIOR FOR PATIENTS:
It is presumptuous to assume that such profound matters could be
explained in terms that you would understand.
-6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMANTAL TREATMENT READILY.
+6. SUBMIT TO NOVEL EXPERIMENTAL TREATMENT READILY.
Though the surgery may not benefit you directly, the resulting
research paper will surely be of widespread interest.
%
@@ -6071,12 +6045,12 @@ A compliment is something like a kiss through a veil.
-- Joseph Campbell
%
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any other invention,
-with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequilla.
+with the possible exceptions of handguns and Tequila.
-- Mitch Ratcliffe
%
A computer salesman visits a company president for the purpose of selling
the president one of the latest talking computers.
-Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any quesstion
+Salesman: "This machine knows everything. I can ask it any question
and it'll give the correct answer. Computer, what is the
speed of light?"
Computer: 186,000 miles per second.
@@ -6090,6 +6064,25 @@ President: "Hah!! The computer is wrong. My father died over twenty
Computer: Your mother's husband died 22 years ago. Your father just
landed a twelve pound bass.
%
+A computer science student and a practical hacker are discussing problems
+the computer science student has run in to.
+
+CS Student: I have this singularly linked tail-queued list and I'm trying
+ to make it O(1) to go backwards an item, instead of O(n)...
+ What's the best way to go about that? Should I just use a
+ cached hash of each item and put it into a sorted lookup
+ table, and cache the hash of the last item in the current
+ queue entry and then go to its place in the hash table and
+ get the pointer value from there?
+Hacker: No, you should add an item to the structure named 'prev' and
+ make it point to the previous item.
+CS Student: But we already have a structure element with that identifier
+ and structure elements must have unique names within that
+ scope!
+Hacker: So call it 'previous'.
+
+And then the CS Student was enlightened.
+%
A computer scientist is someone who fixes things that aren't broken.
%
A computer without COBOL and Fortran is like a piece of chocolate
@@ -6202,7 +6195,7 @@ A Difficulty for Every Solution.
A diplomat is a man who can convince his
wife she'd look stout in a fur coat.
%
-A diplomat is a man who can tell you to
+A diplomat is a man who can tell you to
go to hell and make the trip sound pleasurable.
-- Samuel Clemens
%
@@ -6307,7 +6300,7 @@ should be masculine or feminine.
After considerable thought, he settled on an naming the car either
Belchazar or Beaumadine, but remained in a quandry about the final choice.
"Is a Nissan male or female?" he began asking his friends. Most of
-them looked at him pecularly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
+them looked at him peculiarly, mumbled things about urgent appointments, and
went on their way rather quickly.
He finally broached the question to a lady he knew who held a black
belt in judo. She thought for a moment and answered "Feminine."
@@ -6373,10 +6366,6 @@ A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.
A fool-proof method for sculpting an elephant: first, get a huge block
of marble; then you chip away everything that doesn't look like an elephant.
%
-A fool's brain digests philosophy into folly, science into
-superstition, and art into pedantry. Hence University education.
- -- G.B. Shaw
-%
A formal parsing algorithm should not always be used.
-- D. Gries
%
@@ -6421,17 +6410,17 @@ assembled guys had the job of assuring that the gangster's horse would win.
They were to reconvene the day before the race to tell the gangster how they
each propose to ensure a win. When they reconvened the gangster started with
the engineer:
-
+
Gangster: OK, Mr. engineer, what have you got?
Engineer: Well, I've invented a way to weave metallic threads into the saddle
blanket so that they will act as the plates of a battery and provide
electrical shock to the horse.
G: That's very good! But let's hear from the chemist.
-Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that disolves
+Chemist: I've synthesized a powerful stimulant that dissolves
into simple blood sugars after ten minutes and therefore
cannot be detected in post-race tests.
G: Excellent, excellent! But I want to hear from the physicist before
- I decide what to do. Physicist?
+ I decide what to do. Physicist?
Physicist: Well, first consider a spherical horse in simple harmonic motion...
%
@@ -6495,6 +6484,10 @@ all is gone, and one of the richest jewels of life is lost forever.
A good plan today is better than a perfect plan tomorrow.
-- Patton
%
+A good programmer is someone who looks both ways before crossing a
+one-way street.
+ -- Doug Linder
+%
A good reputation is more valuable than money.
-- Publilius Syrus
%
@@ -6522,10 +6515,6 @@ A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
to take it all away.
-- Barry Goldwater
%
-A government that is big enough to give you all you want is big enough
-to take it all away.
- -- Barry Goldwater
-%
A grammarian's life is always intense.
%
A great empire, like a great cake, is most easily diminished at the edges.
@@ -6719,7 +6708,7 @@ A kind of Batman of contemporary letters.
%
A king's castle is his home.
%
-A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised,
+A kiss is a course of procedure, cunningly devised,
for the mutual stoppage of speech at a moment when
words are superfluous.
%
@@ -7036,7 +7025,7 @@ some basic instructions, they agreed to separate and rendezvous later. Before
he left, he warned her if she should fell a deer to be wary of hunters who
might beat her to the carcass and claim the kill. If that happened, he told
her, she should fire her gun three times into the air and he would come to
-her aid.
+her aid.
Shortly after they separated, he heard a single shot, followed quickly
by the agreed upon signal. Running to the scene, he found his wife standing
in a small clearing with a very nervous man staring down her gun barrel.
@@ -7167,6 +7156,24 @@ paper reports "The pilots fly out to sea and directly to the penguin
colony and overfly it. Heads go up, up, up, and ten thousand penguins
fall over gently onto their backs.
-- Audobon Society Magazine
+
+2001-02-02, from http://news.bbc.co.uk:
+
+For five weeks, a team from the British Antarctic Survey (BAS)
+monitored 1,000 king penguins on the island of South Georgia as
+Lynx helicopters passed overhead.
+
+"Not one king penguin fell over when the helicopters came over,"
+said team leader Dr Richard Stone.
+
+"As the aircraft approached, the birds went quiet and stopped
+calling to each other, and adolescent birds that were not associated
+with nests began walking away from the noise. Pure animal instinct,
+really."
+
+The conclusion, said Dr Stone, is that flights over 305 metres
+(1,000 feet) caused "only minor and transitory ecological effects"
+on king penguins.
%
A mighty creature is the germ,
Though smaller than the pachyderm.
@@ -7259,9 +7266,9 @@ now has no excuse for further procrastination.
A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow. The time
had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
-catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust
+catching instructions on the wing. In other words, we never did trust
the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
-it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
+it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
-- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
%
@@ -7289,7 +7296,7 @@ to his death.
"DUMB YANKEE."
%
A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
-by the side of the street. Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned
+by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
@@ -7414,7 +7421,7 @@ gets out and goes into the office.
"I need some four-by-two's," he says.
"You must mean two-by-four's" replies the clerk.
The man scratches his head. "Wait a minute," he says, "I'll go
-check."
+check."
Back, after an animated conversation with the other occupants of the
truck, he reassures the clerk, that, yes, in fact, two-by-fours would be
acceptable.
@@ -7427,7 +7434,7 @@ conversation. The guy comes back into the office. "A long time," he says,
%
A pig is a jolly companion,
Boar, sow, barrow, or gilt --
-A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
+A pig is a pal, who'll boost your morale,
Though mountains may topple and tilt.
When they've blackballed, bamboozled, and burned you,
When they've turned on you, Tory and Whig,
@@ -7441,7 +7448,7 @@ and a fool something to stick in his mouth.
%
A place for everything and everything in its place.
-- Isabella Mary Beeton, "The Book of Household Management"
-
+
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to memory management system services.]
%
@@ -7495,7 +7502,7 @@ of yours to press against my heart.
%
A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
%
-A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
+A priest advised Voltaire on his death bed to renounce the devil.
Replied Voltaire, "This is no time to make new enemies."
%
A priest asked: What is Fate, Master?
@@ -7530,9 +7537,9 @@ A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep.
%
A programmer is a person who passes as an exacting expert on the basis of
being able to turn out, after innumerable punching, an infinite series of
-incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague
-assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents
-and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of
+incomprehensible answers calculated with micrometric precisions from vague
+assumptions based on debatable figures taken from inconclusive documents
+and carried out on instruments of problematical accuracy by persons of
dubious reliability and questionable mentality for the avowed purpose of
annoying and confounding a hopelessly defenseless department that was
unfortunate enough to ask for the information in the first place.
@@ -7587,7 +7594,7 @@ might be made an Archbishop."
"Is there any way that you might go higher than that?"
"If all the Saints should smile, I guess I could be made a Cardinal."
"Could you be anything higher than a Cardinal?"
- Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I supose that I could
+ Hesitating a little bit, the priest said, "I suppose that I could
be elected Pope, but only if it's God's will."
"And could you be anything higher than that, is there any way to go
up from being the Pope?"
@@ -7603,7 +7610,7 @@ entrance of the first black family to the exit of the last white family.
-- Saul Alinsky
%
A real diplomat is one who can cut his neighbor's throat without having
-his neighbour notice it.
+his neighbor notice it.
-- Trygve Lie
%
A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
@@ -7642,7 +7649,7 @@ A robin redbreast in a cage
Puts all Heaven in a rage.
-- Blake
%
-A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single
+A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single
man contemplates it, bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
-- Antoine de Saint-Exupery
%
@@ -7665,7 +7672,7 @@ banana, and on the other end a weight equal to the weight of the monkey.
The banana weighs two ounces per inch. The rope is as long (in feet) as
the age of the monkey (in years), and the weight of the monkey (in ounces)
is the same as the age of the monkey's mother. The combined age of the
-monkey and its mother is thirdy years. One half of the weight of the monkey,
+monkey and its mother is thirty years. One half of the weight of the monkey,
plus the weight of the banana, is one forth as much as the weight of the
weight and the weight of the rope. The monkey's mother is half as old as
the monkey will be when it is three times as old as its mother was when she
@@ -7703,13 +7710,13 @@ I don't know what it's about. I'm just the drummer. Ask Peter.
A Scholar asked his Master, "Master, would you advise me of a proper
vocation?"
The Master replied, "Some men can earn their keep with the power of
-their minds. Others must use thier strong backs, legs and hands. This is
+their minds. Others must use their strong backs, legs and hands. This is
the same in nature as it is with man. Some animals acquire their food easily,
such as rabbits, hogs and goats. Other animals must fiercely struggle for
their sustenance, like beavers, moles and ants. So you see, the nature of
the vocation must fit the individual.
"But I have no abilities, desires, or imagination, Master," the
-scholer sobbed.
+scholar sobbed.
Queried the Master... "Have you thought of becoming a salesperson?"
%
A scientific truth does not triumph by convincing its opponents and
@@ -7723,7 +7730,7 @@ the vexation of thinking.
%
A sense of desolation and uncertainty, of futility, of the baselessness
of aspirations, of the vanity of endeavor, and a thirst for a life giving
-water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in conciousness
+water which seems suddenly to have failed, are the signs in consciousness
of this necessary reorganization of our lives.
It is difficult to believe that this state of mind can be produced by the
@@ -7943,6 +7950,9 @@ help?"
A thing is not necessarily true because a man dies for it.
-- Oscar Wilde, "The Portrait of Mr. W.H."
%
+A timely marriage: one made before your children start nagging you about it.
+ -- Diane Duane
+%
A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything
but abstention, and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
-- Ambrose Bierce
@@ -7953,19 +7963,19 @@ fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
A traveling salesman was driving past a farm when he saw a pig with three
wooden legs executing a magnificent series of backflips and cartwheels.
Intrigued, he drove up to the farmhouse, where he found an old farmer
-sitting in the yard watching the pig.
- "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
+sitting in the yard watching the pig.
+ "That's quite a pig you have there, sir" said the salesman.
"Sure is, son," the farmer replied. "Why, two years ago, my daughter
was swimming in the lake and bumped her head and damned near drowned, but that
pig swam out and dragged her back to shore."
- "Amazing!" the salesman exlaimed.
+ "Amazing!" the salesman exclaimed.
"And that's not the only thing. Last fall I was cuttin' wood up on
-the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did.
+the north forty when a tree fell on me. Pinned me to the ground, it did.
That pig run up and wiggled underneath that tree and lifted it off of me.
Saved my life."
"Fantastic! the salesman said. But tell me, how come the pig has
three wooden legs?"
- The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you
+ The farmer stared at the newcomer in amazement. "Mister, when you
got an amazin' pig like that, you don't eat him all at once."
%
A true artist will let his wife starve, his children go barefoot, his mother
@@ -7986,7 +7996,7 @@ when the faculty loses interest in students.
%
A vacuum is a hell of a lot better
than some of the stuff that nature replaces it with.
- -- Tenessee Williams
+ -- Tennessee Williams
%
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
-- Samuel Goldwyn
@@ -8028,7 +8038,7 @@ A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there
A wise man can see more from a mountain top
than a fool can from the bottom of a well.
%
-A wise man can see more from the bottom
+A wise man can see more from the bottom
of a well than a fool can from a mountain top.
%
A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
@@ -8037,15 +8047,6 @@ A wise person makes his own decisions, a weak one obeys public opinion.
A witty saying proves nothing.
-- Voltaire
%
-"A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are recticent to admit,
-let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that
-there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another,
-completely immune to any direct magical spell. It is for this group of
-beings that the magician learns the subtleties of using indirect spells.
-It also does no harm, in dealing with these matters, to carry a large club
-near your person at all times."
- -- The Teachings of Ebenezum, Volume VIII
-%
A wizard cannot do everything; a fact most magicians are reticent to admit,
let alone discuss with prospective clients. Still, the fact remains that
there are certain objects, and people, that are, for one reason or another,
@@ -8262,7 +8263,7 @@ About the time we think we can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.
%
About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt
ax. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.
- -- Edsger Dijkstra
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
%
Above all else - sky.
%
@@ -8274,11 +8275,11 @@ ABSCOND:
To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside
of a dying relative and miss the return train.
%
-abscond, v:
+abscond, v:
To be unexpectedly called away to the bedside of a dying relative
- and miss the return train.
+ and miss the return train.
%
-Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases
+Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases
great ones, as the wind blows out candles and fans fires.
-- La Rochefoucauld
%
@@ -8425,7 +8426,7 @@ beat up their city anytime.
According to the Rand McNally Places-Rated Almanac, the best place to live in
America is the city of Pittsburgh. The city of New York came in twenty-fifth.
Here in New York we really don't care too much. Because we know that we could
-beat up their city anytime.
+beat up their city anytime.
-- David Letterman
%
ACCORDION:
@@ -8477,7 +8478,7 @@ Actually, my goal is to have a sandwich named after me.
Actually, the probability is 100% that the elevator
will be going in the right direction. Proof by induction:
-N=1. Trivialy true, since both you and the elevator
+N=1. Trivially true, since both you and the elevator
only have one floor to go to.
Assume true for N, prove for N+1:
@@ -8560,7 +8561,7 @@ intelligence long enough to get money from it.
%
Advertising Rule:
In writing a patent-medicine advertisement, first convince the
- reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
+ reader that he has the disease he is reading about; secondly,
that it is curable.
%
Advice from an old carpenter: measure twice, saw once.
@@ -8583,7 +8584,7 @@ Fuchsia: Fast
Gardenia: Secret, untold love
Honeysuckle: Bonds of love
Ivy: Friendship, fidelity, marriage
-Jasmine: Amiablity, transports of joy, sensuality
+Jasmine: Amiability, transports of joy, sensuality
Leaves (dead): Melancholy
Lilac: Youthful innocence
Lilly: Purity, sweetness
@@ -8682,8 +8683,8 @@ right to make his laws?"
his own."
It was so granted.
%
-After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
-claming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
+After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages,
+claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life
in a wheelchair. Although the insurance-company doctor testified that his
bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the
judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.
@@ -8737,7 +8738,7 @@ charge, but was talked out of this by Millikan.
-- Steven Weinberg, "The Discovery of Subatomic Particles"
Robert Millikan is generally credited with making the first really
-precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the
+precise measurement of the charge on an electron and was awarded the
Nobel Prize in 1923.
%
After two or three weeks of this madness, you begin to feel As One with
@@ -8795,7 +8796,7 @@ Agnes' Law:
%
Agree with them now, it will save so much time.
%
-Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
+Ah, but a man's grasp should exceed his reach,
Or what's a heaven for ?
-- Robert Browning, "Andrea del Sarto"
%
@@ -8856,7 +8857,7 @@ Al didn't smile for forty years. You've got to admire a man like that.
Alan Turing thought about criteria to settle the question of whether
machines can think, a question of which we now know that it is about
as relevant as the question of whether submarines can swim.
- -- Dijkstra
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
%
Alas, how love can trifle with itself!
-- William Shakespeare, "The Two Gentlemen of Verona"
@@ -8954,6 +8955,9 @@ All bad precedents began as justifiable measures.
-- Gaius Julius Caesar, quoted in "The Conspiracy of
Catiline", by Sallust
%
+All business is based on the mutual trust of one of the parts.
+ -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
+%
All constants are variables.
%
All diplomacy is a continuation of war by other means.
@@ -8995,7 +8999,7 @@ ya don't go lookin' for rutabagas.
-- Kingfish
%
All I know is what the words know, and dead things, and that
-makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
+makes a handsome little sum, with a beginning and a middle and
an end, as in the well-built phrase and the long sonata of the dead.
-- Samuel Beckett
%
@@ -9142,7 +9146,7 @@ All that glitters is not gold; all that wander are not lost.
All that is gold does not glitter,
Not all those who wander are lost;
The old that is strong does not wither,
-Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
+Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
A light from the shadows shall spring;
Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
@@ -9302,7 +9306,7 @@ Always draw your curves, then plot your reading.
%
Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
%
-Always run from a knife and rush a gun.
+Always run from a knife and rush a gun.
-- Jimmy Hoffa
%
Always store beer in a dark place.
@@ -9322,7 +9326,7 @@ AMAZING BUT TRUE...
end across the Sahara Desert, the smell would be absolutely awful.
%
AMAZING BUT TRUE...
- There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it
+ There is so much sand in Northern Africa that if it
were spread out it would completely cover the Sahara Desert.
%
AMBIDEXTROUS:
@@ -9361,7 +9365,7 @@ Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.
-- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson
The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
-from time to time threaten freedoms everyhere... Indeed, it is difficult
+from time to time threaten freedoms everywhere... Indeed, it is difficult
to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
@@ -9447,7 +9451,7 @@ An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
An algorithm must be seen to be believed.
-- D.E. Knuth
%
-An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad
+An ambassador is an honest man sent abroad
to lie and intrigue for the benefit of his country.
-- Sir Henry Wotton, 1568-1639
%
@@ -9548,8 +9552,8 @@ An editor is one who separates the wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
%
An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.
%
-An efficient and a successful administration manifests
-itself equally in small as in great matters.
+An efficient and a successful administration manifests
+itself equally in small as in great matters.
-- W. Churchill
%
An egghead is one who stands firmly on both feet,
@@ -9673,7 +9677,7 @@ An idealist is one who helps the other fellow to make a profit.
%
An idle mind is worth two in the bush.
%
-An infallible method of concilliating a tiger
+An infallible method of conciliating a tiger
is to allow oneself to be devoured.
-- Konrad Adenauer
%
@@ -9807,7 +9811,7 @@ And he climbed with the lad up the Eiffelberg Tower. "This," cried the Mayor,
to come to the aid of their country!" he said. "We've GOT to make noises in
greater amounts! So, open your mouth, lad! For every voice counts!" Thus he
spoke as he climbed. When they got to the top, the lad cleared his throat and
-he shouted out, "YOPP!"
+he shouted out, "YOPP!"
And that Yopp... That one last small, extra Yopp put it over!
Finally, at last! From the speck on that clover their voices were heard!
They rang out clear and clean. And they elephant smiled. "Do you see what
@@ -9963,7 +9967,7 @@ please don't try this at home!'"
%
And what accomplished villains these old engineers were! What diabolical
ways to sabotage they found! Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
-Comissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
+Commissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
give advice. One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads. The GPU
@@ -10080,7 +10084,7 @@ Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy.
%
Anti-trust laws should be approached with exactly that attitude.
%
-Antonio Antonio
+Antonio Antonio
Was tired of living alonio
He thought he would woo Antonio Antonio
Miss Lucamy Lu, Rode of on his polo ponio
@@ -10223,7 +10227,7 @@ has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.
-- J.P. Morgan
%
Anybody that wants the presidency so much that he'll spend two years
-organising and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
+organizing and campaigning for it is not to be trusted with the office.
-- David Broder
%
Anybody who doesn't cut his speed at the
@@ -10257,7 +10261,7 @@ bathe and not make messes in the house.
-- Lazarus Long
%
Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
- -- R. Heinlein
+ -- R. Heinlein
%
Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
-- Samuel Goldwyn
@@ -10365,7 +10369,7 @@ Applause, n:
The echo of a platitude from the mouth of a fool.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
-April is the cruellest month...
+April is the cruelest month...
-- Thomas Stearns Eliot
%
AQUADEXTROUS:
@@ -10457,7 +10461,7 @@ say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
Wipe that smile off your face.
I don't believe you.
How many times have I told you to be careful?
- Just beacuse.
+ Just because.
%
Are you a parent? Do you sometimes find yourself unsure as to what to
say in those awkward situations? Worry no more...
@@ -10617,6 +10621,9 @@ Art is anything you can get away with.
Art is Nature speeded up and God slowed down.
-- Chazal
%
+"Art" is the ability to separate the significant from the insignificant.
+ -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
+%
Art is the tree of life. Science is the tree of death.
%
Arthur's Laws of Love:
@@ -10652,7 +10659,7 @@ As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.
As a professional humorist, I often get letters from readers who are
interested in the basic nature of humor. "What kind of a sick perverted
disgusting person are you," these letters typically ask, "that you make
-jokes about setting fire to a goat?"
+jokes about setting fire to a goat?"
-- Dave Barry
%
As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I
@@ -10723,7 +10730,7 @@ years, left the sect he was associated with. The problem is that once the
untrained mind has made a formal commitment to a religious philosophy --
and it does not matter whether that philosophy is generally reasonable and
high-minded or utterly bizarre and irrational -- the powers of reason are
-suprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
+surprisingly ineffective in changing the believer's mind.
-- Steve Allen
%
As I bit into the nectarine, it had a crisp juiciness about it that was very
@@ -10763,7 +10770,7 @@ Ken-L-Ration dog food makes your complexion clear,
Simonize your baby in a Hershey candy bar,
And Texaco's a beauty cream that's used by every star.
-Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigedaire,
+Take your next vacation in a brand new Frigidaire,
Learn to play the piano in your winter underwear,
Doctors say that babies should smoke until they're three,
And people over sixty-five should bathe in Lipton tea.
@@ -10796,8 +10803,8 @@ talk like that.
%
As long as the answer is right, who cares if the question is wrong?
%
-As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
-schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
+As long as there are ill-defined goals, bizarre bugs, and unrealistic
+schedules, there will be Real Programmers willing to jump in and Solve
The Problem, saving the documentation for later.
%
As long as war is regarded as wicked, it will always have its fascination.
@@ -10841,7 +10848,7 @@ Answer each of the following items "true" or "false"
2. I use shoe polish to excess.
3. God is love.
4. I like mannish children.
- 5. I have always been diturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
+ 5. I have always been disturbed by the sight of Lincoln's ears.
6. I always let people get ahead of me at swimming pools.
7. Most of the time I go to sleep without saying goodbye.
8. I am not afraid of picking up door knobs.
@@ -10925,7 +10932,7 @@ or putatively less buggy. The replacement of a working component by a new
version requires the same systematic testing procedure that adding a new
component does, although it should require less time, for more complete and
efficient test cases will usually be available.
- -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
+ -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
%
As to Jesus of Nazareth... I think the system of Morals and his Religion,
as he left them to us, the best the World ever saw or is likely to see;
@@ -11143,7 +11150,7 @@ AUCTION:
Audacity, and again, audacity, and always audacity.
-- G.J. Danton
%
-audophile, n:
+audiophile, n:
Someone who listens to the equipment instead of the music.
%
Auribus teneo lupum.
@@ -11172,7 +11179,7 @@ Avoid Quiet and Placid persons unless you are in Need of Sleep.
Avoid reality at all costs.
%
Avoid revolution or expect to get shot. Mother and I will grieve, but
-we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.
+we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you.
-- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
%
Avoid strange women and temporary variables.
@@ -11218,12 +11225,9 @@ the good old days) made up the term "octalthorpe" (note spelling) to denote
the "pound sign." Presumably because it has 8 points sticking out. It
never really caught on.
%
-Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere,
+Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere,
uphill both ways and it was always snowing.
%
-Back when I was a boy, it was 40 miles to everywhere, uphill both ways
-and it was always snowing.
-%
BACKWARD CONDITIONING:
Putting saliva in a dog's mouth in an attempt to make a bell ring.
%
@@ -11294,9 +11298,6 @@ Base 8 is just like base 10, if you are missing two fingers.
Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game -- it, and high taxes.
-- Will Rogers
%
-Baseball is a skilled game. It's America's game - it, and high taxes.
- -- The Best of Will Rogers
-%
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
@@ -11479,6 +11480,11 @@ Before I knew the best part of my life had come, it had gone.
Before marriage the three little words are "I love you," after marriage
they are "Let's eat out."
%
+Before really embarking on a sizeable project, in particular before
+starting the large investment of coding, try to kill the project
+first.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra, EWD1308
+%
Before Xerox, five carbons were the maximum extension of anybody's ego.
%
Before you ask more questions, think about whether
@@ -11528,6 +11534,11 @@ and inquired, "Well, how are you feeling these days?"
"Not too well," said the expectant mother. "You know, I've missed
seven or eight periods now and it's beginning to worry me."
%
+Being conservative has never been regarded as old-fashioned. But
+if you fight for a sensible step in the right direction which others
+has deserted you will be branded "reactionary".
+ -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
+%
Being frustrated is disagreeable, but the real
disasters in life begin when you get what you want.
%
@@ -11550,7 +11561,7 @@ different from being stoned on gin.
%
Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
- -- unamed Justice Department official
+ -- unnamed Justice Department official
%
Being ugly isn't illegal. Yet.
%
@@ -12054,7 +12065,7 @@ Multics, adj:
brain-damaged is bad; it also implies it is unusable.
%
Brandy Davis, an outfielder and teammate of mine with the Pittsburgh Pirates,
-is my choice for team captain. Cincinnatti was beating us 3-1, and I led
+is my choice for team captain. Cincinnati was beating us 3-1, and I led
off the bottom of the eighth with a walk. The next hitter banged a hard
single to right field. Feeling the wind at my back, I rounded second and
kept going, sliding safely into third base.
@@ -12250,9 +12261,9 @@ Business will be either better or worse.
%
...but as records of courts and justice are admissible, it can easily be
proved that powerful and malevolent magicians once existed and were a scourge
-to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women
-were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still
-unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and
+to mankind. The evidence (including confession) upon which certain women
+were convicted of witchcraft and executed was without a flaw; it is still
+unimpeachable. The judges' decisions based on it were sound in logic and
in law. Nothing in any existing court was ever more thoroughly proved than
the charges of witchcraft and sorcery for which so many suffered death. If
there were no witches, human testimony and human reason are alike destitute
@@ -12346,8 +12357,8 @@ What nobody is sure about.
%
But sex and drugs and rock & roll, why, they'd bring our blackest day.
%
-But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than
-frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?
+But since I knew now that I could hope for nothing of greater value than
+frivolous pleasures, what point was there in denying myself of them?
-- M. Proust
%
But soft you, the fair Ophelia:
@@ -12760,11 +12771,6 @@ Changing husbands/wives is only changing troubles.
%
Chaos is King and Magic is loose in the world.
%
-Chapter 1:
- The story so far:
- In the beginning the Universe was created. This has made
-a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move.
-%
Chapter 2: Newtonian Growth and Decay
The growth-decay formulas were developed in the trivial fashion by
@@ -13127,7 +13133,7 @@ COBOL:
Completely Over and Beyond reason Or Logic.
%
COBOL is for morons.
- -- E.W. Dijkstra
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
%
Cobol programmers are down in the dumps.
%
@@ -13218,7 +13224,7 @@ It whispers of a more ergodic zone.
-- Stanislaw Lem, "Cyberiad"
%
Come fill the cup and in the fire of spring
-Your winter garment of repentence fling.
+Your winter garment of repentance fling.
The bird of time has but a little way
To flutter -- and the bird is on the wing.
-- Omar Khayyam
@@ -13354,7 +13360,7 @@ the characteristics of hardware; software engineering should deal with the
characteristics of *software*, and not with hardware or management.
-- Dan Klein
%
-COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler
+COMPASS [for the CDC-6000 series] is the sort of assembler
one expects from a corporation whose president codes in octal.
-- J.N. Gray
%
@@ -13398,6 +13404,10 @@ COMPUTER SCIENCE:
5) Tautology harnessed in the service of Man at the speed of light.
6) The Post-Turing decline in formal systems theory.
%
+Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about
+telescopes.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
+%
Computer Science is the only discipline in which we view
adding a new wing to a building as being maintenance
-- Jim Horning
@@ -13424,7 +13434,7 @@ CONCEPT:
%
Conceptual integrity in turn dictates that the design must proceed
from one mind, or from a very small number of agreeing resonant minds.
- -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
+ -- Frederick Brooks Jr., "The Mythical Man Month"
%
Condense soup, not books!
%
@@ -13624,7 +13634,7 @@ COPYING MACHINE:
interested in reading them.
%
Coronation, n:
- The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible
+ The ceremony of investing a sovereign with the outward and visible
signs of his divine right to be blown skyhigh with a dynamite bomb.
-- Ambrose Bierce
%
@@ -13650,9 +13660,9 @@ His job is to enforce the law and fight crime.
Corry's Law:
Paper is always strongest at the perforations.
%
-Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell
-at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure
-the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse
+Couldn't we jury-rig the cat to act as an audio switch, and have it yell
+at people to save their core images before logging them out? I'm sure
+the cattle prod would be effective in this regard. In any case, a traverse
mounted iguana, while more perverted, gives better traction, not to mention
being easier to stake.
%
@@ -13744,7 +13754,7 @@ Croll's Query:
If tin whistles are made of tin, what are foghorns made of?
%
Cropp's Law:
- The amount of work done varies inversly
+ The amount of work done varies inversely
with the time spent in the office.
%
Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them.
@@ -13755,7 +13765,7 @@ Cruickshank's Law of Committees:
will inevitably decide to implement the idea simply because so
much work has already been done on it.
%
-Crusade for Cthulu! It Found ME!
+Crusade for Cthulhu! It Found ME!
%
Crush! Kill! Destroy!
%
@@ -14249,7 +14259,7 @@ Deflector shields just came on, Captain.
(t (append (list (implode (nf a (car c)))) (nf a (cdr c))))))
(defun AD (want-job challenging boston-area)
- (cond
+ (cond
((or (not (equal want-job 'yes))
(not (equal boston-area 'yes))
(lessp challenging 7)) () )
@@ -14272,10 +14282,10 @@ Delay is preferable to error.
%
Delay not, Caesar. Read it instantly.
-- Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar" 3,1
-
+
Here is a letter, read it at your leisure.
-- Shakespeare, "Merchant of Venice" 5,1
-
+
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to I/O system services.]
%
@@ -14318,14 +14328,13 @@ nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth.
Democracy becomes a government of bullies, tempered by editors.
-- Ralph Waldo Emerson
%
+Democracy can only be measured on the existence of an opposition.
+ -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
+%
Democracy is a form of government in which it is permitted to wonder
aloud what the country could do under first-class management.
-- Senator Soaper
%
-Democracy is a form of government that substitutes election by the
-incompetent many for appointment by the corrupt few.
- -- G.B. Shaw
-%
Democracy is a process by which the people are free to choose the man who
will get the blame.
-- Laurence J. Peter
@@ -14910,10 +14919,6 @@ Don't despise your poor relations, they may become suddenly rich one day.
Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
-- Lt. Col. Ollie North
%
-Don't do unto others as you would they should do unto you.
-Their tastes may not be the same.
- -- G.B. Shaw
-%
Don't drink when you drive -- you might hit a bump and spill it.
%
Don't drop acid -- take it pass/fail.
@@ -15168,7 +15173,7 @@ double-blind Experiment, n:
fooling both the subject and the lab assistant. Often accompanied
by a strong belief in the tooth fairy.
%
-Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.
+Doubt is a not a pleasant mental state, but certainty is a ridiculous one.
-- Voltaire
%
Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd.
@@ -15275,7 +15280,7 @@ Drive defensively, buy a tank.
%
Driving in Texas is simple. For the first 100 miles you swerve to
avoid jackrabbits. For the second 100 miles you hit whatever
-jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the
+jackrabbits get in the way. After that you chase off into the
brush after them.
%
Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out
@@ -15384,7 +15389,7 @@ imagery and Appledom. Even words look like decorative filigrees in exotic
typefaces. The greatest icon of all, the inviolable Apple itself, stands in
the dominate position at the upper-left corner of the screen. A central
corporate headquarters decrees the form of all rites and practices.
-Infalliable doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
+Infallible doctrine issues from one executive officer whose selection occurs
in a sealed boardroom. Should anyone in his curia question his powers, the
offender is excommunicated into outer darkness. The expelled heretic founds
a new company, mutters obscurely of the coming age and the next computer,
@@ -15465,7 +15470,7 @@ But I'm goin' to heaven in a flash of fire,
Eat as much as you like -- just don't swallow it.
-- Harry Secombe's diet
%
-Eat drink and be merry! Tommorrow you may be in Utah.
+Eat drink and be merry! Tomorrow you may be in Utah.
%
Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow we diet.
%
@@ -15727,7 +15732,7 @@ Enjoy your life; be pleasant and gay, like the birds in May.
%
Enjoy yourself while you're still old.
%
-Entreprenuer, n:
+Entrepreneur, n:
A high-rolling risk taker who would rather
be a spectacular failure than a dismal success.
%
@@ -15951,7 +15956,7 @@ Therefore fire engines are red.
%
Ever wondered about the origins of the term "bugs" as applied to computer
technology? U.S. Navy Capt. Grace Murray Hopper has firsthand explanation.
-The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in
+The 74-year-old captain, who is still on active duty, was a pioneer in
computer technology during World War II. At the C.W. Post Center of Long
Island University, Hopper told a group of Long Island public school adminis-
trators that the first computer "bug" was a real bug--a moth. At Harvard
@@ -15995,11 +16000,11 @@ Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.
%
Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
-fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
+fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not
spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not
-a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it
-is humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
+a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it
+is humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
-- Dwight Eisenhower, 1953
%
Every little picofarad has a nanohenry all its own.
@@ -16094,7 +16099,7 @@ Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
Every Solidarity center had piles and piles of paper ... everyone was
eating paper and a policeman was at the door. Now all you have to do is
bend a disk.
- -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
+ -- A member of the outlawed Polish trade union, Solidarity,
commenting on the benefits of using computers in support
of their movement.
%
@@ -16241,6 +16246,9 @@ Everything is possible. Pass the word.
Everything might be different in the present
if only one thing had been different in the past.
%
+Everything new stalls because there is precedence for the old.
+ -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
+%
Everything should be built top-down, except the first time.
%
Everything should be built top-down, except this time.
@@ -16313,7 +16321,7 @@ doubt it, it is customary for scientists to call it a fact. That all present
life descended from earlier forms, over vast stretches of geologic time, is
as firmly established as Copernican cosmology. Biologists differ only with
respect to theories about how the process operates.
- -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life".
+ -- Martin Gardner, "Irving Kristol and the Facts of Life".
%
Examinations are formidable even to the best prepared, for
even the greatest fool may ask more the the wisest man can answer.
@@ -16409,13 +16417,13 @@ Extraordinary claims demand extraordinary proof. There are many examples
of outsiders who eventually overthrew entrenched scientific orthodoxies,
but they prevailed with irrefutable data. More often, egregious findings
that contradict well-established research turn out to be artifacts. I have
-argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic conciousness,"
+argued that accepting psychic powers, reincarnation, "cosmic consciousness,"
and the like, would entail fundamental revisions of the foundations of
neuroscience. Before abandoning materialist theories of mind that have paid
handsome dividends, we should insist on better evidence for psi phenomena
than presently exists, especially when neurology and psychology themselves
offer more plausible alternatives.
- -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Conciousness:
+ -- Barry L. Beyerstein, "The Brain and Consciousness:
Implications for Psi Phenomena".
%
Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
@@ -16474,6 +16482,11 @@ Fairy tale:
%
Faith goes out through the window when beauty comes in at the door.
%
+Faith has never moved as much as a pin-head from the place it
+ought to be according to tradition and the scriptures. It is
+the doubt that moved all the mountains.
+ -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
+%
Faith is the quality that enables you to eat blackberry jam
on a picnic without looking to see whether the seeds move.
%
@@ -16607,13 +16620,13 @@ FEAR:
What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.
%
Fear and loathing, my man, fear and loathing.
- -- H.S. Thompson
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson
%
Fear is the greatest salesman.
-- Robert Klein
%
feature, n:
- A surprising property of a program. Occasionaly documented. To
+ A surprising property of a program. Occasionally documented. To
call a property a feature sometimes means the author did not
consider that case, and the program makes an unexpected, though
not necessarily wrong response. See BUG. "That's not a bug, it's
@@ -16639,7 +16652,7 @@ That obviates your basic hedonistic predelection
For a rhythmic stroking of your fur to demonstrate affection.
A tail is quite essential for your acrobatic talents:
You would not be so agile if you lacked its counterbalance;
-And when not being utilitized to aid in locomotion,
+And when not being utilized to aid in locomotion,
It often serves to illustrate the state of your emotion.
Oh Spot, the complex levels of behavior you display
Connote a fairly well-developed cognitive array.
@@ -16826,7 +16839,7 @@ telephone booth, and -- you guessed it -- another imprisoned wombat.
and after questioning, released him to be charged on summons.
Their problem ... they cannot find a law against placing wombats in
telephone booths.
- -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", WSW Australia, Aug 1980.
+ -- "Newcastle Morning Herald", NSW Australia, Aug 1980.
%
"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
"Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
@@ -16915,7 +16928,7 @@ flowchart, n. & v.
[From flow "to ripple down in rich profusion, as hair" + chart
"a cryptic hidden-treasure map designed to mislead the uninitiated."]
1. n. The solution, if any, to a class of Mascheroni
- construction problems in which given algoritms require geometrical
+ construction problems in which given algorithms require geometrical
representation using only the 35 basic ideograms of the ANSI
template. 2. n. Neronic doodling while the system burns.
3. n. A low-cost substitute for wallpaper. 4. n. The innumerate
@@ -16966,6 +16979,15 @@ For a light heart lives long.
%
For adult education nothing beats children.
%
+For ages, a deadly conflict has been waged between a few brave men and
+women of thought and genius upon the one side, and the great ignorant
+religious mass on the other. This is the war between Science and Faith.
+The few have appealed to reason, to honor, to law, to freedom, to the
+known, and to happiness here in this world. The many have appealed to
+prejudice, to fear, to miracle, to slavery, to the unknown, and to
+misery hereafter. The few have said "Think". The many have said "Believe!"
+ -- Robert Ingersoll, "Gods"
+%
For an idea to be fashionable is ominous,
since it must afterwards be always old-fashioned.
%
@@ -17002,7 +17024,7 @@ when moving between an mskipand ordinary skip, the conversion factor
%
For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.
%
-For flavor, instant sex will never supercede the stuff you have to peel
+For flavor, instant sex will never supersede the stuff you have to peel
and cook.
-- Quentin Crisp
%
@@ -17088,7 +17110,7 @@ was a gate.
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to system overview.]
-
+
%
For the first time we have a weapon that nobody has used for thirty years.
This gives me great hope for the human race.
@@ -17145,7 +17167,7 @@ protected species.
8 oz. shredded suet
2 small onions
1/2 teaspoonful black pepper
-
+
Scrape and clean bag in cold, then warm, water. Soak in salt water
overnight. Wash pluck, then boil for 2 hours with windpipe draining over
the side of pot. Retain 1 pint of stock. Cut off windpipe, remove surplus
@@ -17234,12 +17256,6 @@ inadequate for whatever computer application you have in mind today: it is
too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive to use.
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
%
-FORTRAN, "the infantile disorder", by now nearly 20 years old, is
-hopelessly inadequate for whatever computer application you have
-in mind today: it is now too clumsy, too risky, and too expensive
-to use.
- -- E.W. Dijkstra
-%
[FORTRAN] will persist for some time --
probably for at least the next decade.
-- T. Cheatham
@@ -17251,7 +17267,7 @@ the person making the claim, not the critic. It is not the responsibility
of UFO skeptics to prove that a UFO has never existed, nor is it the
responsibility of paranormal-health-claims skeptics to prove that crystals
or colored lights never healed anyone. The skeptic's role is to point out
-claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidcence and to
+claims that are not adequately supported by acceptable evidence and to
provide plausible alternative explanations that are more in keeping with
the accepted body of scientific evidence.
-- Thomas L. Creed, The Skeptical Inquirer, Vol. XII,
@@ -17316,7 +17332,7 @@ Shoes:
The average man has 4 pairs of footwear: running shoes, dress shoes,
boots, and slippers. The average woman has shoes 4 layers thick on the floor
of her closet. Most of them hurt her feet.
-
+
Making friends:
A woman will meet another woman with common interests, do a few things
together, and say something like, "I hope we can be good friends."
@@ -17373,7 +17389,7 @@ of his friends. He will tell all his friends about his own affairs, though,
so they can be ready if he needs an alibi.
Driving:
-
+
A typical man thinks he's Mario Andretti as soon as he slips behind
the wheel of his car. The fact that it's an 8-year-old Honda doesn't keep
him from trying to out-accelerate the guy in the Porsche who's attempting
@@ -17569,7 +17585,7 @@ skilled written communicator:
the portions that attribute recent failures to someone else.
growth potential:
- With proper guidance, periodic counselling, and remedial training,
+ With proper guidance, periodic counseling, and remedial training,
the reviewee may, given enough time and close supervision, meet
the minimum requirements expected of him by the company.
@@ -17833,7 +17849,7 @@ FORTUNE'S FUN FACTS TO KNOW AND TELL: #1
A black panther is really a leopard that has a solid black coat
rather then a spotted one.
Peanuts are not really nuts. The majority of nuts grow on trees
- while peauts grow underground. They are classified as a
+ while peanuts grow underground. They are classified as a
legume-part of the pea family.
A cucumber is not a vegetable but a fruit.
%
@@ -17975,7 +17991,7 @@ sharp-eared informant transcribed the following exchange between our hero
and Rep. John D. Dingell, also of Michigan.
Dingell: "There are places in the world at the present time where we are
- having to artifically propogate oysters and clams."
+ having to artificially propagate oysters and clams."
Hoffman: "You mean the oysters I buy are not nature's oysters?"
Dingell: "They may or may not be natural. The simple fact of the matter is
that female oysters through their living habits cast out large
@@ -18129,10 +18145,15 @@ your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
From 0 to "what seems to be the problem officer" in 8.3 seconds.
-- Ad for the new VW Corrado
%
-From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.
+From a certain point onward there is no longer any turning back.
That is the point that must be reached.
-- F. Kafka
%
+From Italian tourist guide:
+
+ "Non stop trains to Roma Termini Station leave from 7.38
+ a.m. to 10.08 p.m., hourly."
+%
From listening comes wisdom and from speaking repentance.
%
From the cradle to the coffin underwear comes first.
@@ -18152,9 +18173,19 @@ From the moment I picked your book up until I put it down I was
convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
-- Groucho Marx
%
+From the pages of Open Systems Today - October 13, 1994 ..........
+
+ "The International Standards Organization (ISO) and the
+ International Electrotechnical Commission (IEC) designated
+ October 14 as World Standards Day to recognize those
+ volunteers who have worked hard to define international
+ standards.......The United States celebrated World Standards
+ Day on October 11; Finland celebrated on October 13; and
+ Italy celebrated on October 18."
+%
From too much love of living,
From hope and fear set free,
-We thank with brief thanskgiving,
+We thank with brief thanksgiving,
Whatever gods may be,
That no life lives forever,
That dead men rise up never,
@@ -18209,6 +18240,9 @@ but if we send it by ship, it's cargo.
%
Future looks spotty. You will spill soup in late evening.
%
+Future will arrive by its own means. Progress not so.
+ -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
+%
Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
-- Joseph Stalin
%
@@ -18387,7 +18421,7 @@ Get forgiveness now -- tomorrow you may no longer feel guilty.
%
Get GUMMed
----------
-
+
The Gurus of Unix Meeting of Minds (GUMM) takes place Wednesday, April 1, 2076
(check THAT in your perpetual calendar program), 14 feet above the ground
directly in front of the Milpitas Gumps. Members will grep each other by the
@@ -18411,12 +18445,12 @@ Getting into trouble is easy.
%
Getting kicked out of the American Bar Association is liked getting kicked
out of the Book-of-the-Month Club.
- -- Melvin Belli on the occcasion of his getting kicked out
+ -- Melvin Belli on the occasion of his getting kicked out
of the American Bar Association
%
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.
-Corrollary:
+Corollary:
Following the rules will not get the job done.
%
Getting there is only half as far as getting there and back.
@@ -18608,12 +18642,6 @@ Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200.
Go not to the elves for counsel, for they will say both yes and no.
-- J.R.R. Tolkien
%
-Go on writing plays, my boy. One of these days a London producer will go
-into his office and say to his secretary, "Is there a play from Shaw this
-morning?" and when she says "No," he will say, "Well, then we'll have to
-start on the rubbish." And that's your chance, my boy.
- -- G.B. Shaw to William Douglas Home
-%
Go out and tell a lie that will make the whole family proud of you.
-- Cadmus, to Pentheus, in "The Bacchae" by Euripides
%
@@ -18940,7 +18968,7 @@ gossip, n:
%
//GO.SYSIN DD *, DOODAH, DOODAH
%
-Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?
+Got a complaint about the Internal Revenue Service?
Call the convenient toll-free "IRS Taxpayer Complaint Hot Line Number":
1-800-AUDITME
@@ -19022,7 +19050,7 @@ Mouse clicks numb the fingers.
Heuristics weaken the mind.
Options wither the heart.
-The Guru observes the net
+The Guru observes the net
but trusts his inner vision.
He allows things to come and go.
His heart is as open as the ether.
@@ -19176,7 +19204,7 @@ guru, n:
%
gy-ro-scope:
A wheel or disk mounted to spin rapidly about an axis and also
- free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpindicular to
+ free to rotate about one or both of two axes perpendicular to
each other and the axis of spin so that a rotation of one of the
two mutually perpendicular axes results from application of
torque to the other when the wheel is spinning and so that the
@@ -19263,7 +19291,7 @@ Or help to half-a-crown."
Had I been present at the creation, I would have given some
useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.
-- Alfonso the Wise
-
+
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to operating system initialization.]
%
@@ -19326,14 +19354,14 @@ Hall's Laws of Politics:
their own districts).
%
hand, n:
- A singular instrument worn at the end of a human
+ A singular instrument worn at the end of a human
arm and commonly thrust into somebody's pocket.
%
Handel's Proverb:
You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
%
handshaking protocol, n:
- A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initate a
+ A process employed by hostile hardware devices to initiate a
terse but civil dialogue, which, in turn, is characterized by
occasional misunderstanding, sulking, and name-calling.
%
@@ -19445,7 +19473,7 @@ the gravy with."
The hamper was close behind us, and George and I both turned round to
reach one out. We were not five seconds getting it. When we looked round
again, Harris and the pie were gone!
- It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for
+ It was a wide, open field. There was not a tree or a bit of hedge for
hundreds of yards. He could not have tumbled into the river, because we were
on the water side of him, and he would have had to climb over us to do it.
George and I gazed all about. Then we gazed at each other.
@@ -19497,7 +19525,7 @@ We're protected by federal law, just like Richard Nixon."
-- Dave Barry
%
Harry's bar has a new cocktail. It's called MRS punch. They make it with
-milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the
+milk, rum and sugar and it's wonderful. The milk is for vitality and the
sugar is for pep. They put in the rum so that people will know what to do
with all that pep and vitality.
%
@@ -19567,7 +19595,7 @@ but a lot harder than it appears.
%
Has the great art and mystery of politics no apparent utility? Does it
appear to be unqualifiedly ratty, raffish, sordid, obscene and low down,
-and its salient virtuosi a gang of umitigated scoundrels? Then let us
+and its salient virtuosi a gang of unmitigated scoundrels? Then let us
not forget its high capacity to soothe and tickel the midriff, its
incomparable services as a maker of entertainment.
-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
@@ -19673,7 +19701,7 @@ Why don't you go where fashion sits,
Dressed up like a million dollar trooper,
Trying hard to look like Gary Cooper, (super dooper)
Come, let's mix where Rockefeller's walk with sticks,
-Or umberellas, in their mitts,
+Or umbrellas, in their mitts,
Puttin' on the Ritz.
...
If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,
@@ -19774,7 +19802,7 @@ said, "there's a conflict between land and people... the people have to go..."
-- Stan Ridgeway, "Call of the West"
%
He is a man capable of turning any colour into grey.
- -- John LeCarre
+ -- John LeCarre
%
He is considered a most graceful speaker
who can say nothing in the most words.
@@ -19914,6 +19942,9 @@ He who attacks the fundamentals of the American
broadcasting industry attacks democracy itself.
-- William S. Paley, chairman of CBS
%
+He who dares the wrong, acts right, that's how it happens!
+ -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
+%
He who despairs over an event is a coward, but he who holds hopes for
the human condition is a fool.
-- Albert Camus
@@ -20067,7 +20098,7 @@ Hear about...
up a chopped libber?
%
Hear about...
- the guru who refused Novacain while having a tooth pulled because
+ the guru who refused Novocain while having a tooth pulled because
he wanted to transcend dental medication?
%
Hear about...
@@ -20143,12 +20174,12 @@ Hello. Jim Rockford's machine, this is Larry Doheny's machine. Will you
please have your master call my master at his convenience? Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.
%
-Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
-date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
-And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
-you set off accross the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
-smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
-don't hear your girl screaming any more?
+Hello, friend! You say things aren't going too well? You say you have a
+date with your favorite girl when it starts raining so hard you can't see?
+And you're out on some back road when the car stalls and won't start, so
+you set off across the fields, and 50 feet of barbed wire hits you right
+smack in the puss? And then there's a big explosion behind you and you
+don't hear your girl screaming any more?
Well, take a walk in the sun and hold your head up high!
You'll show the world; you'll tell them where to get off!
@@ -20615,6 +20646,11 @@ Hitchcock's Staple Principle:
The stapler runs out of staples
only while you are trying to staple something.
%
+Hitler used methods against white men in Europe, which by tacit
+agreement between the cultural European nations were only to be
+used against the coloured.
+ -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
+%
H.L. Mencken suffers from the hallucination that he is H.L. Mencken.
There is no cure for a disease of that magnitude.
-- Maxwell Bodenhein
@@ -20822,7 +20858,7 @@ How come we never talk anymore?
%
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
%
-How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards
+How comes it to pass, then, that we appear such cowards
in reasoning, and are so afraid to stand the test of ridicule?
-- A. Cooper
%
@@ -20845,7 +20881,7 @@ I would not have lost so much for recreation.
Nor for love as the sweet pretend: the children's game
of deliberate ignorance of each to allow the dreaming.
Not for the impersonal belly nor the heart's drunkenness
-have I come this far, stubborn, disasterous way.
+have I come this far, stubborn, disastrous way.
But for relish of those archipelagoes of person.
To hold her in hand, closed as any sparrow,
and call and call forever till she turn from bird
@@ -20865,12 +20901,12 @@ How do you explain school to a higher intelligence?
"How do you know she is a unicorn?" Molly demanded. "And why were you afraid
to let her touch you? I saw you. You were afraid of her."
"I doubt that I will feel like talking for very long," the cat
-replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
+replied without rancor. "I would not waste time in foolishness if I were
you. As to your first question, no cat out of its first fur can ever be
deceived by appearances. Unlike human beings, who enjoy them. As for your
second question --" Here he faltered, and suddenly became very interested
in washing; nor would he speak until he had licked himself fluffy and then
-licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but
+licked himself smooth again. Even then he would not look at Molly, but
examined his claws.
"If she had touched me," he said very softly, "I would have been
hers and not my own, not ever again."
@@ -20989,7 +21025,7 @@ Hubbard's Law:
Don't take life too seriously;
you won't get out of it alive.
%
-Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!
+Hug me now, you mad, impetuous fool!!
Oh wait...
I'm a computer, and you're a person. It would never work out.
Never mind.
@@ -21011,8 +21047,8 @@ Human kind cannot bear very much reality.
Human resources are human first, and resources second.
-- J. Garbers
%
-Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober,
-responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and
+Humanity has advanced, when it has advanced, not because it has been sober,
+responsible, and cautious, but because it has been playful, rebellious, and
immature.
-- Tom Robbins
%
@@ -21083,7 +21119,7 @@ terrifies people the most.
I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
-- John Hinckley
%
-I ain't got no quarrle with them Viet Congs.
+I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.
-- Muhammad Ali
%
I allow the world to live as it chooses,
@@ -21224,6 +21260,12 @@ I am not an Economist. I am an honest man!
I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
-- Gloria Steinem
%
+I am of the belief that catnip arrived on the planet in the same spaceship
+that delivered cats. It is the only thing they have from their home
+planet. Tuna, chicken, sparrow-brains, etc., these are all things of our
+world that they like, but catnip is crack from home.
+ -- Bill Cole
+%
I am professionally trained in computer science, which is to say
(in all seriousness) that I am extremely poorly educated.
-- Joseph Weizenbaum, "Computer Power and Human Reason"
@@ -21297,7 +21339,7 @@ particularly if he has income and she is pattable.
%
I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
-- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
-how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishoners for whom
+how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishioners for whom
to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
@@ -21509,7 +21551,7 @@ But maybe that's what sophisticated is -- being tired.
%
I didn't know he was dead; I thought he was British.
%
-I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.
+I didn't like the play, but I saw it under adverse conditions.
The curtain was up.
%
"I didn't order any WOO-WOO... Maybe a YUBBA... But no WOO-WOO!"
@@ -21624,6 +21666,10 @@ I get fat. I buy new clothes. No problem.
I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
%
+I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two
+highly trained certified public accountants.
+ -- Elvis Presley
+%
I don't have to take this abuse from you -- I've got
hundreds of people waiting to abuse me.
-- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters"
@@ -21644,7 +21690,7 @@ more concerned to know what his grandson will be.
-- Abraham Lincoln
%
I don't know why anyone would want a computer in their home.
- -- Ken Olsen, president of DEC, 1974
+ -- Ken Olson, president of DEC, 1974
%
I don't know why we're here, I say we all go home and free associate.
%
@@ -21732,12 +21778,6 @@ I don't wish to appear overly inquisitive, but are you still alive?
I dote on his very absence.
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
%
-I dread success. To have succeeded is to have finished one's business on
-earth, like the male spider, who is killed by the female the moment he has
-succeeded in his courtship. I like a state of continual becoming, with a
-goal in front and not behind.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
I drink to make other people interesting.
-- George Jean Nathan
%
@@ -21911,7 +21951,7 @@ Beach."
%
I had another dream the other day about government financial management
people. They were small and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they
-had stepped out of a painting by Goya.
+had stepped out of a painting by Goya.
%
I had another dream the other day about music critics. They were small
and rodent-like with padlocked ears, as if they had stepped out of a
@@ -21975,7 +22015,7 @@ Stay, here..." but he got wise to that. Now when I call him he ignores me
and just keeps on typing.
-- Stephen Wright
%
-I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
+I have a dream. I have a dream that one day, on the red hills of Georgia,
the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slaveowners will be able to
sit down together at the table of brotherhood.
-- Martin Luther King, Jr.
@@ -22012,7 +22052,7 @@ People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
I have a rock garden. Last week three of them died.
-- Richard Diran
%
-I have a simple philosophy:
+I have a simple philosophy:
Fill what's empty.
Empty what's full.
@@ -22030,7 +22070,7 @@ I have a theory that it's impossible to prove anything,
but I can't prove it.
%
I have a very small mind and must live with it.
- -- E. Dijkstra
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
%
I have a very strange feeling about this...
-- Luke Skywalker
@@ -22067,7 +22107,7 @@ I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man's being unable
to sit still in a room.
-- Blaise Pascal
%
-I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats.
+I have discovered the art of deceiving diplomats.
I tell them the truth and they never believe me.
-- Camillo Di Cavour
%
@@ -22152,8 +22192,8 @@ already catered for within the scope of any respectable domestic
establishment.
-- Alan Bennett
%
-I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race,
-in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.
+I have no doubt that it is a part of the destiny of the human race,
+in its gradual improvement, to leave off eating animals.
-- Thoreau
%
I have no doubt the Devil grins,
@@ -22228,8 +22268,8 @@ I have travelled the length and breadth of this country, and have talked with
the best people in business administration. I can assure you on the highest
authority that data processing is a fad and won't last out the year.
-- Editor in charge of business books at Prentice-Hall
- publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior
- editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new
+ publishers, responding to Karl V. Karlstrom (a junior
+ editor who had recommended a manuscript on the new
science of data processing), c. 1957
%
I have ways of making money that you know nothing of.
@@ -22313,8 +22353,8 @@ take one along that worked.
-- Raymond Chandler
%
I know if you been talkin' you done said
-just how suprised you wuz by the living dead.
-You wuz suprised that they could understand you words
+just how surprised you wuz by the living dead.
+You wuz surprised that they could understand you words
and never respond once to all the truth they heard.
But don't you get square!
There ain't no rule that says they got to care.
@@ -22460,7 +22500,7 @@ but for what I am when I am with you.
%
I loved her with a love thirsty and desperate. I felt that we two might
commit some act so atrocious that the world, seeing us, would find it
-irresistable.
+irresistible.
-- Gene Wolfe, "The Shadow of the Torturer"
%
I married beneath me. All women do.
@@ -22556,7 +22596,7 @@ I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
-- Lucy Van Pelt
%
I never met a man I didn't want to fight.
- -- Lyle Alzado, professional footbal lineman
+ -- Lyle Alzado, professional football lineman
%
I never met a piece of chocolate I didn't like.
%
@@ -22577,7 +22617,7 @@ But from the milk we're getting now
There certainly must be one
-- Odgen Nash
-Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
+Ah, yes, I wrote "The Purple Cow"
I'm sorry now I wrote it
But I can tell you anyhow
I'll kill you if you quote it.
@@ -22660,12 +22700,6 @@ I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats
on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
-- Stephen Wright
%
-I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.
- -- Steven Wright
-%
-I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.
- -- Stephen Wright
-%
I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
-- Stephen Wright
%
@@ -22817,7 +22851,7 @@ I see a good deal of talk from Washington about lowering taxes. I hope
they do get 'em lowered down enough so people can afford to pay 'em.
-- The Best of Will Rogers
%
-I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neigbors to
+I see where we are starting to pay some attention to our neighbors to
the south. We could never understand why Mexico wasn't just crazy about
us; for we have always had their good will, and oil and minerals, at heart.
-- The Best of Will Rogers
@@ -22927,7 +22961,7 @@ I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a
department store, and he asked for my autograph.
-- Shirley Temple
%
-I suggest a new stategy, Artoo: let the Wookiee win.
+I suggest a new strategy, Artoo: let the Wookiee win.
-- CP30
%
I suppose I could collect my books and get on back to school,
@@ -23043,7 +23077,7 @@ that I am!
-- Monty Python
%
"I think he said 'Blessed are the cheesemakers.'"
-"Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manafacturers of dairy products."
+"Nonsense, he was obviously referring to all manufacturers of dairy products."
-- The Life of Brian
%
I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
@@ -23277,13 +23311,6 @@ near the place.
I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I
don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
-the food cheaper, and old men and womem warmer in the winter, and happier
-in the summer.
- -- Brendan Behan
-%
-I value kindness to human beings first of all, and kindness to animals. I
-don't respect the law; I have a total irreverence for anything connected
-with society except that which makes the roads safer, the beer stronger,
the food cheaper, and old men and women warmer in the winter, and happier
in the summer.
-- Brendan Behan
@@ -23314,7 +23341,7 @@ the earth.
Sylvia Kamerman, "Book Reviewing"
%
I was at this restaurant. The sign said "Breakfast Anytime." So I
-ordered French Toast in the Rennaissance.
+ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.
-- Steven Wright
%
I was born in a barrel of butcher knives
@@ -23352,8 +23379,8 @@ I was in accord with the system so long as it
permitted me to function effectively.
-- Albert Speer
%
-I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
-these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
+I was in this prematurely air conditioned supermarket and there were all
+these aisles and there were these bathing caps you could buy that had these
kind of Fourth of July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue and
I wasn't tempted to buy one but I was reminded of the fact that I had been
avoiding the beach.
@@ -23409,7 +23436,7 @@ Dad, get me out of this.
-- Warren Zevon, "Lawyers, Guns and Money"
%
I went into the business for the money, and the art grew out of it.
-If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.
+If people are disillusioned by that remark, I can't help it.
It's the truth.
-- Charlie Chaplin
%
@@ -23538,9 +23565,9 @@ had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I told my roommate,
replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
-- Steven Wright
%
-"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I
-know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
-be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
+"I wonder", he said to himself, "what's in a book while it's closed. Oh, I
+know it's full of letters printed on paper, but all the same, something must
+be happening, because as soon as I open it, there's a whole story with people
I don't know yet and all kinds of adventures and battles."
-- Bastian B. Bux
%
@@ -23574,7 +23601,7 @@ of wax... and that we remember and know what is imprinted as long as the
image lasts; but when the image is effaced, or cannot be taken, then we
forget or do not know.
-- Plato, Dialogs, Theateus 191
-
+
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to image activation and termination.]
%
@@ -23709,7 +23736,7 @@ I'd never cry if I did find
A blue whale in my soup...
Nor would I mind a porcupine
Inside a chicken coop.
-Yes life is fine when things combine,
+Yes life is fine when things combine,
Like ham in beef chow mein...
But lord, this time I think I mind,
They've put acid in my rain.
@@ -23722,7 +23749,7 @@ I'd probably settle for a vampire if he were romantic enough.
Couldn't be any worse than some of the relationships I've had.
-- Brenda Starr
%
-I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heavan.
+I'd rather be led to hell than managed to heaven.
%
I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy.
-- Fred Allen
@@ -23766,7 +23793,7 @@ If A = B and B = C, then A = C, except where void or prohibited by law.
-- Roy Santoro
%
If a camel is a horse designed by a committee, then a consensus forecast
-is a camel's behind.
+is a camel's behind.
-- Edgar R. Fiedler
%
If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
@@ -23832,7 +23859,7 @@ convince him that it may not have been the treatment that restored his health.
If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped.
The law of gravity holds that any object attempting to maintain a position
in the atmosphere without something to support it must drop. The law of
-gravity supercedes the law of golf.
+gravity supersedes the law of golf.
-- Donald A. Metz
%
If a shameless woman expects to be defiled and then dies of her fierce
@@ -23887,11 +23914,6 @@ to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
-- Rob Stampfli
%
-If addiction is judged by how long a dumb animal will sit pressing a lever
-to get a "fix" of something, to its own detriment, then I would conclude
-that netnews is far more addictive than cocaine.
- -- Rob Stampfli
-%
If all be true that I do think,
There be five reasons why one should drink;
Good friends, good wine, or being dry,
@@ -23915,7 +23937,7 @@ And all the skies were parchment,
And all the men could write,
These would not suffice
To write down all the red tape
-Of this Government.
+Of this Government.
%
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
-- Paul Beatty
@@ -23986,7 +24008,7 @@ If at first you don't succeed, you must be a programmer.
If at first you don't succeed, you're doing about average.
-- Leonard Levinson
%
-If at first you fricasee, fry, fry again.
+If at first you fricassee, fry, fry again.
%
If atheism is to be used to express the state of mind in which God is
identified with the unknowable, and theology is pronounced to be a
@@ -24059,7 +24081,7 @@ If food be the music of love, eat up, eat up.
%
If for every rule there is an exception, then we have established that there
is an exception to every rule. If we accept "For every rule there is an
-exception" as a rule, then we must conced that there may not be an exception
+exception" as a rule, then we must concede that there may not be an exception
after all, since the rule states that there is always the possibility of
exception, and if we follow it to its logical end we must agree that there
can be an exception to the rule that for every rule there is an exception.
@@ -24096,7 +24118,7 @@ he'd make it easier to get to the airport.
-- George Winters
%
If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads, he would
-have made them cute and furry.
+have made them cute and furry.
-- Dave Barry
%
If God had wanted us to use the metric system, Jesus would have had
@@ -24247,7 +24269,7 @@ If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the
shoulders of giants.
-- Isaac Newton
-In the sciences, we are now uniquely priviledged to sit side by side with
+In the sciences, we are now uniquely privileged to sit side by side with
the giants on whose shoulders we stand.
-- Gerald Holton
@@ -24258,7 +24280,7 @@ my shoulders.
Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders.
-- Gauss
-Mathemeticians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
+Mathematicians stand on each other's shoulders while computer scientists
stand on each other's toes.
-- Richard Hamming
@@ -24356,7 +24378,7 @@ If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
%
If it wasn't so warm out today, it would be cooler.
%
-If it were not for the presents, an elopment would be preferable.
+If it were not for the presents, an elopement would be preferable.
-- George Ade, "Forty Modern Fables"
%
If it were thought that anything I wrote was influenced by Robert Frost,
@@ -24428,7 +24450,7 @@ If man is only a little lower than the angels, the angels should reform.
-- Mary Wilson Little
%
If mathematically you end up with the wrong
-answer, try multipying by the page number.
+answer, try multiplying by the page number.
%
If men acted after marriage as they do during courtship, there would
be fewer divorces -- and more bankruptcies.
@@ -24458,7 +24480,7 @@ and from that to incivility and procrastination.
-- Thomas De Quincey (1785 - 1859)
%
If once a man indulges himself in murder, very soon he comes to think
-little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
+little of robbing; and from robbing he next comes to drinking and
Sabbath-breaking, and from that to incivility and procrastination.
-- Thomas De Quincey
%
@@ -24561,6 +24583,9 @@ pool cues, who would win?
3) The television viewing public
-- David Letterman
%
+If sarcasm were posted on Usenet, would anybody notice?
+ -- James Nicoll
+%
If scientific reasoning were limited to the logical processes of
arithmetic, we should not get very far in our understanding of the physical
world. One might as well attempt to grasp the game of poker entirely by
@@ -24630,7 +24655,7 @@ put on a professor.
%
If the designers of X-window built cars, there would be no fewer than five
steering wheels hidden about the cockpit, none of which followed the same
-prinicples -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful
+principles -- but you'd be able to shift gears with your car stereo. Useful
feature, that.
-- From the programming notebooks of a heretic, 1990.
%
@@ -24687,6 +24712,10 @@ what a living the poor could make!
%
If the shoe fits, it's ugly.
%
+If the standard says that [things] depend on the phase of the moon,
+the programmer should be prepared to look out the window as necessary.
+ -- Chris Torek
+%
If the thunder don't get you, then the lightning will.
%
If the vendors started doing everything right, we would be out of a job.
@@ -25017,7 +25046,7 @@ was running the wrong version of the gateway which was giving out the wrong
network number? Never supposed to happen. Tough. Supposing that your
software discovers that the gateway is now giving out a different network
number than before, what's it supposed to do about it? This is not discussed
-in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you
+in the protocol document. Never supposed to happen. Tough. I think you
get my drift.
%
If you explain something so clearly that no
@@ -25163,7 +25192,7 @@ If you lose a son you can always get another,
but there's only one Maltese Falcon.
-- Sidney Greenstreet, "The Maltese Falcon"
%
-If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich,
+If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist, he'll get rich,
or famous or both.
%
If you lose your temper at a newspaper columnist,
@@ -25259,7 +25288,7 @@ they taste more like prunes than rhubarb does.
-- Groucho Marx
%
If you stick a stock of liquor in your locker,
-It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
+It is slick to stick a lock upon your stock.
Or some joker who is slicker,
Will trick you of your liquor,
If you fail to lock your liquor with a lock.
@@ -25410,7 +25439,7 @@ If put to a pinch, an ounce of loyalty is worth a pound of cleverness.
If you must vilify, condemn and eternally find disparage -- resign your
position, and when you are outside, damn to your heart's content...
but, as long as you are part of the institution do not condemn it.
-If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the
+If you do that, you are loosening the tendrils that are holding you to the
institution, and at the first high wind that comes along, you will
be uprooted and blown away, and probably will never know the reason
why.
@@ -25521,7 +25550,7 @@ rage today, and it will set the pace tomorrow.
Ignorance is when you don't know anything and somebody finds it out.
%
Ignorance must certainly be bliss or there wouldn't be so many people
-so resolutely pursuing it.
+so resolutely pursuing it.
%
Ignore previous fortune.
%
@@ -25637,6 +25666,10 @@ I'm a lucky guy, and I'm happy to be with the Yankees. And I want to
I'm all for computer dating, but I
wouldn't want one to marry my sister.
%
+I'm also inclined to believe that if you wait long enough, you will
+eventually have more than 255 of almost *anything*....
+ -- A. Lyman Chapin
+%
I'm always looking for a new idea that
will be more productive than its cost.
-- David Rockefeller
@@ -25700,17 +25733,17 @@ And McGovern were a tree.
%
I'm going through my "I want to go back to New York" phase today. Happens
every six months or so. So, I thought, perhaps unwisely, that I'd share
-it with you.
+it with you.
> In New York in the winter it is million degrees below zero and
- the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.
+ the wind travels at a million miles an hour down 5th avenue.
> And in LA it's 72.
> In New York in the summer it is a million degrees and the humidity
is a million percent.
> And in LA it's 72.
-> In New York there are a million interesting people.
+> In New York there are a million interesting people.
> And in LA there are 72.
%
I'm going to Boston to see my doctor. He's a very sick man.
@@ -25798,7 +25831,7 @@ gence?" I give the standard arguments -- there are a lot of places out there,
and use the word *billions*, and so on. And then I say it would be astonishing
to me if there weren't extraterrestrial intelligence, but of course there is as
yet no compelling evidence for it. And then I'm asked, "Yeah, but what do you
-really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but
+really think?" I say, "I just told you what I really think." "Yeah, but
what's your gut feeling?" But I try not to think with my gut. Really, it's
okay to reserve judgment until the evidence is in.
-- Carl Sagan
@@ -25980,7 +26013,7 @@ because the warrant was made out in the name of Don Provan, while the only
person in the house was named don provan. Proving, once again, that Unix is
superior to Tops10.
%
-In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's
+In a whiskey it's age, in a cigarette it's
taste and in a sports car it's impossible.
%
In America any boy may become President, and I suppose that's just the
@@ -26031,14 +26064,14 @@ teacher should know. "I would not leave the definition of math," Dr. Honig
said, "up to the mathematicians."
-- The New York Times, October 22, 1985
%
-In California they don't throw their garbadge away -- they make
+In California they don't throw their garbage away -- they make
it into television shows.
-- Woody Allen, "Annie Hall"
%
In case of atomic attack, all work rules will be temporarily suspended.
%
In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling
-against prayer in schools will be temporarily cancelled.
+against prayer in schools will be temporarily canceled.
%
In case of fire, stand in the hall and shout "Fire!"
-- The Kidner Report
@@ -26056,11 +26089,11 @@ husband; when her husband is dead, to her sons. A woman must never
be free of subjugation.
-- The Hindu Code of Manu
%
-In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
-%
-In Cristianity, a man may have only one wife.
+In Christianity, a man may have only one wife.
This is called Monotony.
%
+In computing, the mean time to failure keeps getting shorter.
+%
In defeat, unbeatable; in victory, unbearable.
-- W. Churchill, on General Montgomery
%
@@ -26383,7 +26416,7 @@ the east is the Easter Bunny, and 100 feet to the west is Santa Claus.
Q: Who gets to the pot of gold first?
A: The dumb manager. All the rest are myths.
%
-In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man
+In the midst of one of the wildest parties he'd ever been to, the young man
noticed a very prim and pretty girl sitting quietly apart from the rest of
the revelers. Approaching her, he introduced himself and, after some quiet
conversation, said, "I'm afraid you and I don't really fit in with this
@@ -26534,7 +26567,7 @@ Increased knowledge will help you now.
Have mate's phone bugged.
%
INCUMBENT:
- Person of livliest interest to the outcumbents.
+ Person of liveliest interest to the outcumbents.
%
Indecision is the true basis for flexibility.
%
@@ -26601,7 +26634,7 @@ Inglish Spocken Hier: some mangled translations
It is forbidden to enter a woman, even a foreigner if
dressed as a man.
- Above the enterance to a Cairo bar:
+ Above the entrance to a Cairo bar:
Unaccompanied ladies not admitted unless with husband
or similar.
@@ -26947,7 +26980,7 @@ a visiting uncle who's rich!
%
It happened long ago
In the new magic land
-The Indians and the buffalo
+The Indians and the buffalo
Existed hand in hand
The Indians needed food
They need skins for a roof
@@ -27050,7 +27083,7 @@ three more than the schedule allowed.
The control program manager had 150 men. He asserted that they
could prepare the specifications, with the architecture team coordinating;
it would be well-done and practical, and he could do it on schedule.
-Futhermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
+Furthermore, if the architecture team did it, his 150 men would sit twiddling
their thumbs for ten months.
To this the architecture manager responded that if I gave the control
program team the responsibility, the result would not in fact be on time,
@@ -27068,7 +27101,7 @@ What fun is there in making plans, acquiring discipline in organizing
thoughts, devoting attention to detail, and learning to be self-critical?
-- Alan Perlis
%
-It is all right to hold a conversation,
+It is all right to hold a conversation,
but you should let go of it now and then.
-- Richard Armour
%
@@ -27187,7 +27220,7 @@ It is equally bad when one speeds on the guest unwilling to go, and when he
holds back one who is hastening. Rather one should befriend the guest who
is there, but speed him when he wishes.
-- Homer, "The Odyssey"
-
+
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to scheduling.]
%
@@ -27273,11 +27306,6 @@ when you know nothing about the problem.
%
It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
%
-It is necessary for the welfare of society that genius should be privileged
-to utter sedition, to blaspheme, to outrage good taste, to corrupt the
-youthful mind, and generally to scandalize one's uncles.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
It is no wonder that people are so horrible when they start life as children.
-- Kingsley Amis
%
@@ -27391,7 +27419,7 @@ mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
%
It is ridiculous to call this an industry. This is not. This is rat eat
-rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
+rat, dog eat dog. I'll kill 'em, and I'm going to kill 'em before they
kill me. You're talking about the American way of survival of the fittest.
-- Ray Kroc, founder of McDonald's
%
@@ -27414,7 +27442,7 @@ high as the eagle?
It is so soon that I am done for, I wonder what I was begun for.
-- Epitaph, Cheltenham Churchyard
%
-It is so stupid of modern civilisation to have given up believing in the
+It is so stupid of modern civilization to have given up believing in the
devil when he is the only explanation of it.
-- Ronald Knox, "Let Dons Delight"
%
@@ -27422,8 +27450,8 @@ It is so very hard to be an on-your-own-take-care-of-
yourself-because-there-is-no-one-else-to-do-it-for-you grown up.
%
It is something to be able to paint a particular picture, or to carve a
-statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious
-to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look,
+statue, and so to make a few objects beautiful; but it is far more glorious
+to carve and paint the very atmosphere and medium through which we look,
which morally we can do. To affect the quality of the day, that is the
highest of arts. Every man is tasked to make his life, even in its details,
worthy of the contemplation of his most elevated and critical hour.
@@ -27530,7 +27558,7 @@ It may or may not be worthwhile, but it still has to be done.
%
It must be remembered that there is nothing more difficult to plan, more
doubtful of success, nor more dangerous to manage, than the creation of
-a new system. For the initiator has the emnity of all who would profit
+a new system. For the initiator has the enmity of all who would profit
by the preservation of the old institutions and merely lukewarm defenders
in those who would gain by the new ones.
-- Niccolo Machiavelli, 1513
@@ -27605,7 +27633,7 @@ may have saved a U.S. Army unit from heavy casualties during the Grenada
military rescue/invasion. Major General David Nichols, Air Force ... said
the Army unit was in a house surrounded by Cuban forces. One soldier found
a telephone and, using his credit card, called Ft. Bragg, N.C., telling Army
-officiers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
+officers there of the perilous situation. The officers in turn called the
Air Force, which sent in gunships to scatter the Cubans and relieve the unit.
-- Aviation Week and Space Technology
%
@@ -27729,7 +27757,7 @@ and party!
It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to spell a word.
-- Andrew Jackson
%
-It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underware.
+It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, and I'm wearing Milkbone underwear.
-- Cheers
%
It's a naive, domestic operating system without any
@@ -27737,7 +27765,7 @@ breeding, but I think you'll be amused by its presumption.
%
It's a poor workman who blames his tools.
%
-It's a recession when your neighbour loses his job; it's a depression
+It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression
when you lose yours.
-- Harry S. Truman
%
@@ -27750,12 +27778,12 @@ It's all right letting yourself go as long as you can let yourself back.
-- Mick Jagger
%
"It's all so painfully empty and lonesome... I don't think I can stand
-any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
+any more of it... the whole dreadful way we are born, die, and are
never missed. The fact there is *nobody*... nobody really... We come
out of a yawning tomb of flesh and sink back finally into another tomb.
What is the point of it all? Who thought up this sickening circle of
flesh and blood? We come into the world bleeding and cut and our bones
-half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, multilation, and
+half-crushed only to emerge and suffer more torment, mutilation, and
then at the last lie down in some hole in the ground forever. Who could
have thought it up, I wonder?"
-- James Purdy
@@ -28246,7 +28274,7 @@ Her voice was little more than a whisper.
"Joe, darling," she breathed, "I've got a confession to make
before I go. I ... I'm the one who took the $10,000 from your safe...
I spent it on a fling with your best friend, Charles. And it was I who
-forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported
+forced your mistress to leave the city. And I am the one who reported
your income-tax evasion to the I.R.S..."
"That's all right, dearest, don't give it a second thought,"
whispered Joe. "I'm the one who poisoned you."
@@ -28942,7 +28970,7 @@ Last night the power went out. Good thing my camera had a flash....
The neighbors thought it was lightning in my house, so they called the cops.
-- Stephen Wright
%
-Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record.
+Last week a cop stopped me in my car. He asked me if I had a police record.
I said, no, but I have the new DEVO album. Cops have no sense of humor.
%
Last week's pet, this week's special.
@@ -29155,7 +29183,7 @@ Let him choose out of my files, his projects to accomplish.
-- Shakespeare, "Coriolanus"
%
Let me assure you that to us here at First National, you're not just a
-number. Youre two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
+number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and
another number.
-- James Estes
%
@@ -29327,7 +29355,7 @@ Lewis's Law of Travel:
The first piece of luggage out of the
chute doesn't belong to anyone, ever.
%
-L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.
+L'hazard ne favorise que l'esprit prepare.
-- L. Pasteur
%
LIAR:
@@ -29792,7 +29820,7 @@ Little girls, like butterflies, need no excuse.
-- Lazarus Long
%
Little known fact about Middle Earth: The Hobbits had a very
-sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkein Ring...
+sophisticated computer network! It was a Tolkien Ring...
%
Little Known Facts, #23:
Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
@@ -30004,7 +30032,7 @@ Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won't.
Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.
-- Frank Hubbard
%
-Lots of girls can be had for a song.
+Lots of girls can be had for a song.
Unfortunately, it often turns out to be the wedding march.
%
Louie Louie, me gotta go
@@ -30022,27 +30050,6 @@ I take her in my arms and then
Me tell her I never leave again
-- The real words to The Kingsmen's classic "Louie Louie"
%
-Louie, Louie, me gotta go
-Louie, Louie, me gotta go
-
-Fine little girl she waits for me
-Me catch the ship for cross the sea
-Me sail the ship all alone
-Me never thinks me make it home
- [chorus]
-
-Three nights and days me sail the sea
-Me think of girl constantly
-On the ship I dream she there
-I smell the rose in her hair
- [chorus; guitar solo]
-
-Me see Jamaica moon above
-It won't be long, me see my love
-I take her in my arms and then
-Me tell her I never leave again
- -- the real words to "Louie Louie"
-%
LOVE:
I'll let you play with my life if you'll let me play with yours.
%
@@ -30221,7 +30228,7 @@ Nibble on they tiny feet!
%
Love, which is quickly kindled in a gentle heart,
seized this one for the fair form
- that was taken from me-and the way of it afficts me still.
+ that was taken from me-and the way of it afflicts me still.
Love, which absolves no loved one from loving,
seized me so strongly with delight in him,
that, as you see, it does not leave me even now.
@@ -30663,6 +30670,9 @@ recognition for all the bad things they haven't done.
%
Many people resent being treated like the person they really are.
%
+Many people would rather die than think; in fact, most do.
+ -- Bertrand Russell
+%
Many people write memos to tell you they have nothing to say.
%
Many receive advice, few profit by it.
@@ -30705,7 +30715,7 @@ Rose, thornless, any: Early attachment
Rose, white: I am worthy of you
Rose, yellow: Decrease of love, rise of jealousy
Rosebud, white: Girlhood, and a heart ignorant of love
-Rosemary: Rememberance
+Rosemary: Remembrance
Sunflower: Haughtiness
Tulip, red: Declaration of love
Tulip, yellow: Hopeless love
@@ -30727,8 +30737,8 @@ Mark's Dental-Chair Discovery:
%
MARRIAGE:
An old, established institution, entered into by two people deeply
- in love and desiring to make a committment to each other expressing
- that love. In short, committment to an institution.
+ in love and desiring to make a commitment to each other expressing
+ that love. In short, commitment to an institution.
%
MARRIAGE:
Convertible bonds.
@@ -30897,7 +30907,7 @@ Mathematics deals exclusively with the relations of concepts
to each other without consideration of their relation to experience.
-- Albert Einstein
%
-Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what
+Mathematics is the only science where one never knows what
one is talking about nor whether what is said is true.
-- Russell
%
@@ -30954,7 +30964,7 @@ May you have many beautiful and obedient daughters.
May you have many handsome and obedient sons.
%
May you have warm words on a cold evening,
-a full mooon on a dark night,
+a full moon on a dark night,
and a smooth road all the way to your door.
%
May you live in uninteresting times.
@@ -30988,7 +30998,7 @@ Maybe you can't buy happiness, but
these days you can certainly charge it.
%
May's Law:
- The quality of correlation is inversly proportional to the density
+ The quality of correlation is inversely proportional to the density
of control. (The fewer the data points, the smoother the curves.)
%
McDonald's -- Because you're worth it.
@@ -31042,8 +31052,6 @@ to mouth...
%
Measure twice, cut once.
%
-Measure with a micrometer. Mark with chalk. Cut with an axe.
-%
Mediocrity finds safety in standardization.
-- Frederick Crane
%
@@ -31065,7 +31073,7 @@ MEETINGS:
%
Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that
corporations and other large organizations habitually engage
-in only becuase they cannot actually masturbate.
+in only because they cannot actually masturbate.
-- Dave Barry
%
MEMO:
@@ -31136,6 +31144,10 @@ Men live for three things, fast cars, fast women and fast food.
%
Men love to wonder, and that is the seed of science.
%
+Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it
+from religious conviction.
+ -- Blaise Pascal, "Pensťes", 1670
+%
Men never make passes at girls wearing glasses.
-- Dorothy Parker
%
@@ -31555,9 +31567,6 @@ Moore's Constant:
Everybody sets out to do something, and everybody
does something, but no one does what he sets out to do.
%
-MOPHOBIA:
- Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
-%
mophobia, n:
Fear of being verbally abused by a Mississippian.
%
@@ -31615,7 +31624,7 @@ Most burning issues generate far more heat than light.
%
Most folks they like the daytime,
'cause they like to see the shining sun.
-They're up in the morning,
+They're up in the morning,
off and a-running till they're too tired for having fun.
But when the sun goes down,
and the bright lights shine, my daytime has just begun.
@@ -31772,9 +31781,13 @@ Yokohama isn't it?"
MSDOS is not dead, it just smells that way.
-- Henry Spencer
%
+Much as they like to persuade us differently, lawyers are simply hired
+consultants, and at some point you time them out.
+ -- Craig Partridge
+%
Much of the excitement we get out of our work
is that we don't really know what we are doing.
- -- E. Dijkstra
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
%
Much to his Mum and Dad's dismay, Horace ate himself one day.
He didn't stop to say his grace, he just sat down and ate his face.
@@ -31802,7 +31815,7 @@ Multics is security spelled sideways.
Safford] flew around the room like a top, pulled his pantaloons over the
tops of his boots, bit his hands, rolled his eyes in their sockets, sometimes
smiling and talking, and then seeming to be in an agony, until, in not more
-than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,255!"
+than one minute, said he, 133,491,850,208,566,925,016,658,299,941,583,225!"
An electronic computer might do the job a little faster but it wouldn't be
as much fun to watch.
-- James R. Newman, "The World of Mathematics"
@@ -31948,14 +31961,10 @@ I drowned her in a cask of rum,
And so made sure that she would stay
In better spirits night and day.
%
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
+My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
Unless there are three other people.
-- Orson Welles
%
-My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there
-are three other people.
- -- Orson Welles
-%
My doctorate's in Literature, but it seems like a pretty good pulse to me.
%
My experience with government is when things are non-controversial,
@@ -32229,13 +32238,6 @@ Madam, I'm Adam.
Sit on a potato pan, Otis.
-- The Mad Palindromist
%
-NAPOLEON: What shall we do with this soldier, Guiseppe?
- Everything he says is wrong.
-GUISEPPE: Make him a general, Excellency,
- and then everything he says will be right.
-
- -- G.B. Shaw
-%
narcolepulacyi, n:
The contagious action of yawning, causing everyone in sight
to also yawn.
@@ -32614,6 +32616,7 @@ It wastes your time and annoys the pig.
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes.
%
Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.
+ -- Robert Heinlein
%
Never use "etc." -- it makes people think there is more where
there is not or that there is not space to list it all, etc.
@@ -32662,7 +32665,7 @@ New York.
New York's got the ways and means, just won't let you be.
%
Newlan's Truism:
- An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the
+ An "acceptable" level of unemployment means that the
government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job.
%
Newman's Discovery:
@@ -33191,7 +33194,7 @@ for presidents to make wars, for governments to feed on the substance of
their people, for insurance companies to cheat the young and rob the old.
-- Lewis Lapham
%
-Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold our
+Nobody takes a bribe. Of course at Christmas if you happen to hold out
your hat and somebody happens to put a little something in it, well, that's
different.
-- New York City Police Commissioner (Ret.) William P.
@@ -33229,11 +33232,11 @@ None love the bearer of bad news.
-- Sophocles
%
None of our men are "experts." We have most unfortunately found it necessary
-to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one
-ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a
-job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing
-forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient
-he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a
+to get rid of a man as soon as he thinks himself an expert -- because no one
+ever considers himself expert if he really knows his job. A man who knows a
+job sees so much more to be done than he has done, that he is always pressing
+forward and never gives up an instant of thought to how good and how efficient
+he is. Thinking always ahead, thinking always of trying to do more, brings a
state of mind in which nothing is impossible. The moment one gets into the
"expert" state of mind a great number of things become impossible.
-- From Henry Ford Sr., "My Life and Work"
@@ -33408,7 +33411,7 @@ serious drug collection the tendency is to push it as far as you can.
Not to laugh, not to lament, not to curse, but to understand.
-- Spinoza
%
-NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given.
+NOTE: No warranties, either express or implied, are hereby given.
All software is supplied as is, without guarantee. The user assumes
all responsibility for damages resulting from the use of these
features, including, but not limited to, frustration, disgust, system
@@ -33487,7 +33490,7 @@ Nothing is illegal if one hundred businessmen decide to do it.
Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.
-- A.H. Weiler
%
-Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which
+Nothing is more admirable than the fortitude with which
millionaires tolerate the disadvantages of their wealth.
-- Nero Wolfe
%
@@ -34373,7 +34376,7 @@ mistress".
Once harm has been done, even a fool understands it.
-- Homer
%
-Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his
+Once he had one leg in the White House and the nation trembled under his
roars. Now he is a tinpot pope in the Coca-Cola belt and a brother to the
forlorn pastors who belabor halfwits in galvanized iron tabernacles behind
the railroad yards."
@@ -34462,7 +34465,7 @@ just as likely remove your head with one swat of a paw. However, the family
of these unfortunate would-be knights was compensated with a beautiful
sheepdog from the royal kennels, which was itself a fairly valuable
possession. And the moral of the story is:
-
+
The mourning after a terrible knight, nothing beats the dog of the bear that
hit you.
%
@@ -34708,7 +34711,7 @@ simply amazing. God is an extremely uneven writer, but when He's good,
nobody can touch him.
-- John Gardner, NYT Book Review, Jan. 1983
%
-One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an
+One of the chief duties of the mathematician in acting as an
advisor... is to discourage... from expecting too much from
mathematics.
-- N. Wiener
@@ -34806,21 +34809,6 @@ is that there never was a plan in the first place.
One possible reason why things aren't going
according to plan is that there never was a plan.
%
-One promising concept that I came up with right away was that you could
-manufacture personal air bags, then get a law passed requiring that they be
-installed on congressmen to keep them from taking trips. Let's say your
-congressman was trying to travel to Paris to do a fact-finding study on how
-the French government handles diseases transmitted by sherbet. Just when
-he got to the plane, his mandatory air bag, strapped around his waist, would
-inflate -- FWWAAAAAAPPPP -- thus rendering him too large to fit through the
-plane door. It could also be rigged to inflate whenever the congressman
-proposed a law. ("Mr. Speaker, people ask me, why should October be
-designated as Cuticle Inspection Month? And I answer that FWWAAAAAAPPPP.")
-This would save millions of dollars, so I have no doubt that the public
-would violently support a law requiring airbags on congressmen. The problem
-is that your potential market is very small: there are only around 500
-members of congress.
-%
One reason why George Washington
Is held in such veneration:
He never blamed his problems
@@ -34935,13 +34923,13 @@ smiles back at the rear of an elephant.
Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
-- Baba Ram Dass
%
-Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
-placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
+Only the fittest survive. The vanquished acknowledge their unworthiness by
+placing a classified ad with the ritual phrase "must sell -- best offer,"
and thereafter dwell in infamy, relegated to discussing gas mileage and lawn
-food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
+food. But if successful, you join the elite sodality that spends hours
unpurifying the dialect of the tribe with arcane talk of bits and bytes, RAMS
-and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a
-modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
+and ROMS, hard disks and baud rates. Are you obnoxious, obsessed? It's a
+modest price to pay. For you have tapped into the same awesome primal power
that produces credit-card billing errors and lost plane reservations. Hail,
postindustrial warrior, subduer of Bounceoids, pride of the cosmos, keeper of
the silicone creed: Computo, ergo sum. The force is with you -- at 110 volts.
@@ -35081,7 +35069,7 @@ system, because we can't fix it if it breaks -- nobody can.'"
"TCP/IP is OK if you've got a little informal club, and it doesn't make
any difference if it takes a while to fix it."
- -- Ken Olsen, in Digital News, 1988
+ -- Ken Olson, in Digital News, 1988
%
Our business in life is not to succeed
but to continue to fail in high spirits.
@@ -35906,10 +35894,6 @@ pixel, n:
%
P-K4
%
-PL/1, "the fatal disease", belongs more
-to the problem set than to the solution set.
- -- E.W. Dijkstra
-%
Plagiarize, plagiarize,
Let no man's work evade your eyes,
Remember why the good Lord made your eyes,
@@ -36217,6 +36201,9 @@ poor people.
POWER:
The only narcotic regulated by the SEC instead of the FDA.
%
+Power and ignorance is a detestable cocktail.
+ -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
+%
Power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat.
-- John Lehman, Secretary of the Navy, 1981-1987
%
@@ -36285,7 +36272,7 @@ Preserve wildlife -- pickle a squirrel today!
%
Preserve Wildlife! Throw a party today!
%
-President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic
+President Reagan has noted that there are too many economic
pundits and forecasters and has decided on an excess prophets tax.
%
President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50%
@@ -36416,11 +36403,11 @@ techniques are very popular, even the military use them.
SAMPLE: Proof of induction without proof of induction.
- We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
-for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n
-as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is
+ We know it's true for n equal to 1. Now assume that it's true
+for every natural number less than n. N is arbitrary, so we can take n
+as large as we want. If n is sufficiently large, the case of n+1 is
trivially equivalent, so the only important n are n less than n. We can
-take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 becuase it's just about n.
+take n = n (from above), so it's true for n+1 because it's just about n.
QED. (QED translates from the Latin as "So what?")
%
Proper treatment will cure a cold in seven days,
@@ -36439,13 +36426,13 @@ prototype, n.
upgrade, corrected upgrade, etc. Unlike its successors, the
prototype is not expected to work.
%
-Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities
+Providence New Jersey is one of the few cities
where Velveeta cheese appears on the gourmet shelf.
%
Prunes give you a run for your money.
%
Pryor's Observation:
- How long you live has nothing to do
+ How long you live has nothing to do
with how long you are going to be dead.
%
Psychiatry enables us to correct our faults by confessing our parents'
@@ -36483,7 +36470,7 @@ Psychology. Mind over matter.
Mind under matter? It doesn't matter.
Never mind.
%
-Public use of any portable music system is a
+Public use of any portable music system is a
virtually guaranteed indicator of sociopathic tendencies.
-- Zoso
%
@@ -36661,7 +36648,7 @@ A: Three. One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
Q: How many college football players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Only one, but he gets three credits for it.
%
-Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
+Q: How many DEC repairmen does it take to fix a flat?
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
Q: How long does it take?
@@ -37425,7 +37412,7 @@ QOTD:
Ludwig Boltzmann, who spend much of his life studying statistical
mechanics died in 1906 by his own hand. Paul Ehrenfest, carrying
on the work, died similarly in 1933. Now it is our turn.
- -- Goodstein, States of Matter
+ -- Goodstein, States of Matter
%
QOTD:
Money isn't everything, but at least it keeps the kids in touch.
@@ -37688,7 +37675,7 @@ when "How to Avoid Probate" was published? Are they taking no-fault
insurance lying down? No way! But at the current rate it won't be long
before there are stacks of the "Transactions on Information Theory" at the
A&P checkout counters. Who's going to be impressed with us electrical
-engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store?
+engineers then? Are we, as the saying goes, giving away the store?
-- Robert W. Lucky, IEEE president
%
Razors pain you;
@@ -37735,7 +37722,7 @@ limitations, software doesn't. It's a real shame that Turing machines are
so poor at I/O.
%
Real computer scientists don't write code. They occasionally tinker with
-`programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count
+`programming systems', but those are so high level that they hardly count
(and rarely count accurately; precision is for applications).
%
Real computer scientists like having a computer on their desk, else how
@@ -37812,10 +37799,6 @@ Reality must take precedence over public relations, for Mother Nature
cannot be fooled.
-- R.P. Feynman
%
-Reality must take precedence over public
-relations, for Mother Nature cannot be fooled.
- -- R.P. Feynman
-%
Really?? What a coincidence, I'm shallow too!!
%
Reappraisal, n:
@@ -38010,7 +37993,7 @@ Remembering is for those who have forgotten.
%
Remove me from this land of slaves,
Where all are fools, and all are knaves,
-Where every knave and fool is bought,
+Where every knave and fool is bought,
Yet kindly sells himself for nought;
-- Jonathan Swift
%
@@ -38094,7 +38077,7 @@ actually have a shot at it.
%
Reunite Gondwondaland!
%
-Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean?
+Rev. Jim: What does an amber light mean?
Bobby: Slow down.
Rev. Jim: What... does... an... amber... light... mean?
Bobby: Slow down.
@@ -38611,6 +38594,9 @@ Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you'll be
surprised at how little you have.
-- Ernest Haskins
%
+Save a tree -- kill an ISO working group today.
+ -- Jason Zions
+%
Save energy: Drive a smaller shell.
%
Save energy: be apathetic.
@@ -39101,10 +39087,6 @@ Shannon's Observation
share, n:
To give in, endure humiliation.
%
-Shaw's Principle:
- Build a system that even a fool can use,
- and only a fool will want to use it.
-%
She always believed in the old adage -- leave them while you're looking
good.
-- Anita Loos, "Gentlemen Prefer Blondes"
@@ -39504,7 +39486,7 @@ Smear the road with a runner!!
%
Smile! You're on Candid Camera.
%
-Smile, Cthulu Loathes You.
+Smile, Cthulhu Loathes You.
%
Smoking is, as far as I'm concerned, the entire point of being an adult.
-- Fran Lebowitz
@@ -39773,7 +39755,7 @@ CONSERVATISM:
Freeze the milk. Embalm the cows.
%
Software production is assumed to be a line function, but it is run
-like a staff function."
+like a staff function."
-- Paul Licker
%
Software suppliers are trying to make their software packages more
@@ -40027,7 +40009,7 @@ Something better...
1 (obvious): Excuse me. Is that your nose or did a bus park on your face?
2 (meteorological): Everybody take cover. She's going to blow.
- 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
+ 3 (fashionable): You know, you could de-emphasize your nose if you wore
something larger. Like ... Wyoming.
4 (personal): Well, here we are. Just the three of us.
5 (punctual): Alright gentlemen. Your nose was on time but you were fifteen
@@ -40272,7 +40254,7 @@ attack are 13562190123 to 1, Captain.
Spock: We suffered 23 casualties in that attack, Captain.
%
SPOUSE:
- Someone who'll stand by you through all the
+ Someone who'll stand by you through all the
trouble you wouldn't have had if you'd stayed single.
%
Spring is here, spring is here,
@@ -40627,6 +40609,11 @@ Superstition, idolatry, and hypocrisy
have ample wages, but truth goes a-begging.
-- Martin Luther
%
+Superstitions typically involve seeing order where in fact there is
+none, and denial amounts to rejecting evidence of regularities,
+sometimes even ones that are staring us in the face.
+ -- Murray Gell-Mann, "Quark and the Jaguar"
+%
Supervisor: Do you think you understand the basic ideas of Quantum Mechanics?
Supervisee: Ah! Well, what do we mean by "to understand" in the context of
Quantum Mechanics?
@@ -40673,10 +40660,6 @@ Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are dishonest
men in national government too.
-- Richard M. Nixon
%
-Sure there are dishonest men in local government. But there are
-dishonest men in national government too.
- -- Richard Nixon
-%
"Surely you can't be serious."
"I am serious, and don't call me Shirley."
%
@@ -41154,7 +41137,7 @@ This does not altogether accord with historical fact, for he merely said:
Thanks to the acuteness of his mind, he saw through the poverty of
philosophical and Gnostic knowledge, and contemptuously rejected it.
-- C.G. Jung, "Psychological Types"
- [Teruillian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church. Ed.]
+ [Tertullian was one of the founders of the Catholic Church. Ed.]
%
Test for paraquat:
Take amount of grass used in one joint, and wash in 5 cc's
@@ -41164,7 +41147,7 @@ Test for paraquat:
the solution will turn blue-green.
%
Testing can show the presense of bugs, but not their absence.
- -- Dijkstra
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
%
Test-tube babies shouldn't throw stones.
%
@@ -41734,6 +41717,9 @@ of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists."
%
The bland leadeth the bland and they both shall fall into the kitsch.
%
+The bold youth of today is very lonely.
+ -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
+%
The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives.
-- Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project
%
@@ -41997,6 +41983,10 @@ The covers of this book are too far apart.
The cow is nothing but a machine which makes grass fit for us people to eat.
-- John McNulty
%
+The Creation of the Universe was made possible by a grant from Texas
+Instruments.
+ -- Credits from the PBS program ``The Creation of the Universe''
+%
The Crown is full of it!
-- Nate Harris, 1775
%
@@ -42033,8 +42023,8 @@ that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine
years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
-- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
%
-The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,
-and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.
+The day advanced as if to light some work of mine; it was morning,
+and lo! now it is evening, and nothing memorable is accomplished.
-- H.D. Thoreau
%
The day will come when the mystical generation of Jesus, by the Supreme Being
@@ -42056,6 +42046,11 @@ Chaplin trying to cook a shoe.
%
The debate rages on: Is PL/I Bachtrian or Dromedary?
%
+"The deceased was killed by 1207.3557298 Volts AC RMS applied by
+accident when he brushed against the output terminal of a John B.
+Fluke Company High Voltage Calibrator."
+ -- fictitious coroner's report by Mike Andrews
+%
The decision doesn't have to be logical; it was unanimous.
%
The default Magic Word, "Abracadabra", actually is a corruption of the
@@ -42197,7 +42192,7 @@ and whole carloads of other foolish trumpery that we find in Christianity.
%
The door is the key.
%
-The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off
+The duck hunter trained his retriever to walk on water. Eager to show off
this amazing accomplishment, he asked a friend to go along on his next
hunting trip. Saying nothing, he fired his first shot and, as the duck fell,
the dog walked on the surface of the water, retrieved the duck and returned
@@ -42282,10 +42277,6 @@ The English country gentleman galloping after a fox -- the unspeakable
in full pursuit of the uneatable.
-- Oscar Wilde, "A Woman of No Importance"
%
-The English have no respect for their language,
-and will not teach their children to speak it.
- -- G.B. Shaw
-%
The English instinctively admire any man
who has no talent and is modest about it.
-- James Agate, British film and drama critic
@@ -42395,7 +42386,7 @@ The faster I go, the behinder I get.
%
The Fastest Defeat In Chess
The big name for us in the world of chess is Gibaud, a French chess
-master.
+master.
In Paris during 1924 he was beaten after only four moves by a
Monsieur Lazard. Happily for posterity, the moves are recorded and so
chess enthusiasts may reconstruct this magnificent collapse in the comfort
@@ -42442,6 +42433,12 @@ anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave their
husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy capitalism
and become lesbians."
%
+The Feynman Problem-Solving Algorithm:
+ (1) write down the problem.
+ (2) think very hard.
+ (3) write down the answer.
+ -- Murray Gell-Mann
+%
The Fifth Rule:
You have taken yourself too seriously.
%
@@ -42759,14 +42756,6 @@ but none, I think, do there embrace.
The graveyards are full of indispensable men.
-- Charles de Gaulle
%
-The Great Bald Swamp Hedgehog:
- The Gerat Bald Swamp Hedgehog of Billericay displays, in courtship,
- his single prickle and does impressions of Holiday Inn desk clerks.
- Since this means him standing motionless for enormous periods of
- time he is often eaten in full display by The Great Bald Swamp
- Hedgehog Eater.
- -- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
-%
The great merit of society is to make one appreciate solitude.
-- Charles Chincholles, "Reflections on the Art of Life"
%
@@ -42906,7 +42895,7 @@ THEN -- MONROE!
NOW -- McCLANAHAN!!!
-- The Rotton Apple (1963), Rue McClanahan
-*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
+*NOT FOR SISSIES! DON'T COME IF YOU'RE CHICKEN!
A Horrifying Movie of Wierd Beauties and Shocking Monsters...
1001 WIERDEST SCENES EVER!! MOST SHOCKING THRILLER OF THE CENTURY!
-- Teenage Psycho meets Bloody Mary (1964) (Alternate Title:
@@ -43070,13 +43059,13 @@ their wives and daughters to his arms.
The greatest love is a mother's, then a dog's, then a sweetheart's.
-- Polish proverb
%
-The Greatest Mathematical Error
+The Greatest Mathematical Error
The Mariner I space probe was launched from Cape Canaveral on 28
July 1962 towards Venus. After 13 minutes' flight a booster engine would
give acceleration up to 25,820 mph; after 44 minutes 9,800 solar cells
would unfold; after 80 days a computer would calculate the final course
corrections and after 100 days the craft would cirlce the unknown planet,
-scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.
+scanning the mysterious cloud in which it is bathed.
However, with an efficiency that is truly heartening, Mariner I
plunged into the Atlantic Ocean only four minutes after takeoff.
Inquiries later revealed that a minus sign had been omitted from
@@ -43099,7 +43088,7 @@ The happiest time in any man's life is just after the first divorce.
-- Galbraith
%
The happiest time of a person's life is after his first divorce.
- -- J.K. Galbraith
+ -- J.K. Galbraith
%
The hardest part of climbing the ladder of
success is getting through the crowd at the bottom.
@@ -43363,7 +43352,7 @@ A: "Those are their guys. And all those little red specks running
the dust clears."
K: "And?"
A: "If there are more red specks left than black specks, we win."
-K: "But what about the
+K: "But what about the
^#!!$% battle plan?"
A: "So far, it seems to be going according to specks."
%
@@ -43760,7 +43749,7 @@ The one that got away.
The Man Who Almost Invented The Vacuum Cleaner
The man officially credited with inventing the vacuum cleaner is
Hubert Cecil Booth. However, he got the idea from a man who almost
-invented it.
+invented it.
In 1901 Booth visited a London music-hall. On the bill was an
American inventor with his wonder machine for removing dust from carpets.
The machine comprised a box about one foot square with a bag on top.
@@ -43918,7 +43907,7 @@ The Modelski Chain Rule:
thrashing anyway, just to show you mean business.
%
"The molars, I'm sure, will be all right, the molars can take care of
-themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become
+themselves," the old man said, no longer to me. "But what will become
of the bicuspids?"
-- The Old Man and his Bridge
%
@@ -44026,7 +44015,7 @@ the country is the one on which you resell it.
The most difficult thing about surviving AIDS
is trying to convince your parents that you're Haitian.
%
-The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a
+The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a
thing and to watch someone else doing it wrong, without commenting.
-- T.H. White
%
@@ -44065,7 +44054,7 @@ The most important early product on the way
to developing a good product is an imperfect version.
%
The most important service rendered by the press is that of educating
-people to approach printed matter with distrust.
+people to approach printed matter with distrust.
%
The most important thing in a relationship between a man and a woman
is that one of them be good at taking orders.
@@ -44078,7 +44067,7 @@ The most popular labor-saving device today is still a husband with money.
%
The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
-participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
+participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
organization.
The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness." The
@@ -44288,7 +44277,7 @@ floor.
%
The older a man gets, the farther he had to walk to school as a boy.
%
-The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.
+The older I grow, the less important the comma becomes.
Let the reader catch his own breath.
-- Elizabeth Clarkson Zwart
%
@@ -44458,6 +44447,10 @@ nothing from history. I know people who can't even learn from what happened
this morning. Hegel must have been taking the long view.
-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
%
+The only thing which separates man from child is all the values
+he has lost over the years.
+ -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
+%
The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
-- C. Schultz
%
@@ -44525,15 +44518,15 @@ The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
%
The other line moves faster.
%
-The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on
+The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on
a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance
with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke
English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a
pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a coach. She smiled, nodded her
-head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a
+head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a
table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to
dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They
-went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
+went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew
a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and to this day has
never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
@@ -44751,9 +44744,9 @@ The problem with this country is that there is no death penalty
for incompetence.
%
The problems of business administration in general, and database management in
-particular are much to difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded
-with sloppy english.
- -- Edsger Dijkstra
+particular are much too difficult for people that think in IBMese, compounded
+with sloppy English.
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
%
The profession of book writing makes horse racing seem like a solid,
stable business.
@@ -44820,10 +44813,6 @@ remain each in their own position.
-- Letter to Sir Theodore Martin, 29 May 1870, from
Queen Victoria
%
-The question of whether computers can think is just like the question of
-whether submarines can swim.
- -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
-%
The questions remain the same.
The answers are eternally variable.
%
@@ -44852,7 +44841,7 @@ illiterates can read.
-- Alberto Moravia
%
The real man's Bloody Mary:
- Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tobasco, Worcestershire
+ Ingredients: vodka, tomato juice, Tobasco, Worcestershire
sauce, A-1 steak sauce, ice, salt, pepper, celery.
Fill a large tumbler with vodka.
@@ -44886,11 +44875,6 @@ is that the experience makes you wise.
The reason why worry kills more people
than work is that more people worry than work.
%
-The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one
-persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress
-depends on the unreasonable man.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
financial committments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
@@ -44910,10 +44894,10 @@ The Reverend Henry Ward Beecher
Called a hen a most elegant creature.
The hen, pleased with that,
Laid an egg in his hat --
-And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
+And thus did the hen reward Beecher.
-- Oliver Wendell Holmes
%
-The reverse side also has a reverse side.
+The reverse side also has a reverse side.
-- Japanese proverb
%
The revolution will not be televised.
@@ -44933,10 +44917,6 @@ The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
taken seriously.
-- Hubert Humphrey
%
-The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
-taken seriously.
- -- Hubert Humphrey
-%
The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
-- Justice Douglas
%
@@ -44987,6 +44967,11 @@ The rule on staying alive as a forecaster is to give 'em a number or
give 'em a date, but never give 'em both at once.
-- Jane Bryant Quinn
%
+The rules are rather simple to understand: Under democracy you
+can defend any view, but only defend it. You can not try to realize
+it through power, violence or weapons.
+ -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
+%
The rules:
1: Thou shalt not worship other computer systems.
@@ -45160,7 +45145,7 @@ The solution to a problem changes the nature of the problem.
The somewhat old and crusty vicar was taking a well-earned retirement from
his rather old and crusty parish. As is usual in these cases, a locum was
sent to cover the transition period. This particular man was young and
-active, and had the strange notion that church should also be avtive and
+active, and had the strange notion that church should also be avtive and
exciting. As a consequence he was more than a little dissapointed with the
dull and tradition-bound church. He decided to do something about it.
For his first Sunday, he didn't wear the traditional robes and
@@ -45245,7 +45230,7 @@ Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
%
The street preacher looked so baffled
When I asked him why he dressed
-With forty pounds of headlines
+With forty pounds of headlines
Stapled to his chest.
But he cursed me when I proved to him
I said, "Not even you can hide.
@@ -45347,7 +45332,7 @@ It came before the first kernel.
%
The tao that can be tar(1)ed
is not the entire Tao.
-The path that can be specified
+The path that can be specified
is not the Full Path.
We declare the names
@@ -45364,6 +45349,10 @@ and this source has a null pointer.
Reference the NULL within NULL,
it is the gateway to all wizardry.
%
+The technician should never forget that he is an artist, the
+artist never that he is a technician.
+ -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
+%
The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer
them a drink.
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Interview"
@@ -45380,7 +45369,7 @@ of Heaven. The radiation falling on Heaven will heat it to the point where
the heat lost by radiation is just equal to the heat received by radiation,
i.e., Heaven loses fifty times as much heat as the Earth by radiation. Using
the Stefan-Boltzmann law for radiation, (H/E)^4 = 50, where E is the absolute
-temperature of the earth (-300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact
+temperature of the earth (~300K), gives H as 798K (525C). The exact
temperature of Hell cannot be computed, but it must be less than 444.6C, the
temperature at which brimstone or sulphur changes from a liquid to a gas.
Revelations 21:8 says "But the fearful, and unbelieving ... shall have their
@@ -45693,16 +45682,12 @@ world put together.
%
The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems
is a symptom of professional immaturity.
- -- Edsger Dijkstra
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
%
The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be
regarded as a criminal offence.
-- Edsger W. Dijkstra, SIGPLAN Notices, Volume 17, Number 5
%
-The use of COBOL cripples the mind;
-its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.
- -- E.W. Dijkstra
-%
The use of money is all the advantage there is to having money.
-- B. Franklin
%
@@ -45726,7 +45711,7 @@ The Vet Who Surprised A Cow
surgeon was required to treat an ailing cow. To investigate its internal
gases he inserted a tube into that end of the animal not capable of facial
expression and struck a match. The jet of flame set fire first to some
-bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000.
+bales of hay and then to the whole farm causing damage estimate at L45,000.
The vet was later fined L140 for starting a fire in a manner surprising to
the magistrates. The cow escaped with shock.
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
@@ -45738,8 +45723,8 @@ to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth.
The volume of paper expands to fill the available briefcases.
-- Jerry Brown
%
-The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh
-restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,
+The voluptuous blond was chatting with her handsome escort in a posh
+restaurant when their waiter, stumbling as he brought their drinks,
dumped a martini on the rocks down the back of the blonde's dress. She
sprang to her feet with a wild rebel yell, dashed wildly around the table,
then galloped wriggling from the room followed by her distraught boyfriend.
@@ -45808,6 +45793,10 @@ The whole earth is in jail and we're plotting this incredible jailbreak.
The whole of life is futile unless you
consider it as a sporting proposition.
%
+The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always
+so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of doubts.
+ -- Bertrand Russell
+%
The whole world is a scab. The point is to pick it constructively.
-- Peter Beard
%
@@ -46045,7 +46034,7 @@ the piano. Another whom we adore when he plays the piano turned the pages.
But the man who should have turned the pages played the violin."
-- Stephen Pile, "The Book of Heroic Failures"
%
-The worst part of having success is trying
+The worst part of having success is trying
to find someone who is happy for you.
-- Bette Midler
%
@@ -46091,7 +46080,7 @@ if something could have materialized -- and never knowing.
The Wright Bothers weren't the first to fly.
They were just the first not to crash.
%
-The yankees, son, are up north.
+The yankees, son, are up north.
The damnyankees are down here.
%
The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of
@@ -46107,9 +46096,9 @@ Linked in part to a structural weakness.
She set no preconditions.
%
The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
-to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
+to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
-He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
+He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's
golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
"Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece."
@@ -46177,7 +46166,7 @@ Theorem: All programs are dull.
Proof: Assume the contrary; i.e., the set of interesting programs is
nonempty. Arrange them (or it) in order of interest (note that all
sets can be well ordered, so do it properly). The minimal element is
-the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides
+the "least interesting program", the obvious dullness of which provides
the contradictory denouement we so devoutly seek.
-- Stan Kelly-Bootle, "The Devil's DP Dictionary"
%
@@ -46218,7 +46207,7 @@ There are a lot of lies going around.... and half of them are true.
%
There are bad times just around the corner,
There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky
-And it's no good whining
+And it's no good whining
About a silver lining
For we know from experience that they won't roll by...
-- Noel Coward
@@ -46330,7 +46319,7 @@ people who find nothing odd about it.
%
There are places I'll remember
All my life though some have changed.
-Some forever not for better
+Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain.
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends I still recall.
@@ -46365,7 +46354,7 @@ Was that night on the marge of Lake Lebarge
I cremated Sam McGee.
-- Robert W. Service
%
-There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life
+There are ten or twenty basic truths, and life
is the process of discovering them over and over and over.
-- David Nichols
%
@@ -46422,7 +46411,7 @@ There are three things I always forget. Names, faces -- the third I
can't remember.
-- Italo Svevo
%
-There are three things I have always loved
+There are three things I have always loved
and never understood -- art, music, and women.
%
There are three things men can do with women:
@@ -46489,7 +46478,7 @@ make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies.
-- C.A.R. Hoare
%
There are two ways of disliking art.
-One is to dislike it.
+One is to dislike it.
The other is to like it rationally.
-- Oscar Wilde
%
@@ -46668,7 +46657,7 @@ There is one lonelier than you.
%
There is, in fact, no reason to believe that any given natural phenomenon,
however marvelous it may seem today, will remain forever inexplicable.
-Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be
+Soon or late the laws governing the production of life itself will be
discovered in the laboratory, and man may set up business as a creator
on his own account. The thing, indeed, is not only conceivable; it is
even highly probable.
@@ -46708,6 +46697,9 @@ There is no act of treachery or mean-ness of which a political party
is not capable; for in politics there is no honour.
-- Benjamin Disraeli, "Vivian Grey"
%
+There is no bad taste. There is only good taste, and that is bad.
+ -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
+%
There is no better way of exercising the imagination than the study of law.
No poet ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets truth.
-- Jean Giraudoux, "Tiger at the Gates"
@@ -46716,10 +46708,10 @@ There is no better way to exercise the imagination than the study of the law.
No artist ever interpreted nature as freely as a lawyer interprets the truth.
-- Jean Giradoux
%
-"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
-the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
-civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
-We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
+"There is no choice before us. Either we must Succeed in providing
+the rational coordination of impulses and guts, or for centuries
+civilization will sink into a mere welter of minor excitements.
+We must provide a Great Age or see the collapse of the upward
striving of the human race"
-- Alfred North Whitehead
%
@@ -46794,9 +46786,6 @@ There is no royal road to geometry.
%
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
%
-There is no satisfaction in hanging a man who does not object to it.
- -- G.B. Shaw
-%
There is no security on this earth. There is only opportunity.
-- General Douglas MacArthur
%
@@ -46904,6 +46893,9 @@ There is perhaps in every thing of any consequence, secret history, which
it would be amusing to know, could we have it authentically communicated.
-- James Boswell
%
+There is plenty of time before progress goes too far.
+ -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
+%
There is something fascinating about science. One gets such wholesale
returns of conjecture out of such a trifling investment of fact.
-- Mark Twain
@@ -47604,7 +47596,7 @@ This is Betty Frenel. I don't know who to call but I can't reach my
Food-a-holics partner. I'm at Vido's on my second pizza with sausage
and mushroom. Jim, come and get me!
%
-This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists,
+This is clearly another case of too many mad scientists,
and not enough hunchbacks.
%
This is for all ill-treated fellows
@@ -47992,7 +47984,7 @@ Throw away proprietary and site licenses,
and there won't be any pirating.
If these three aren't enough,
-just stay at your home directory
+just stay at your home directory
and let all processes take their course.
%
Thus mathematics may be defined as the subject in which we never know
@@ -48276,12 +48268,12 @@ Yabba-Dabba-Doo!
To be loved is very demoralizing.
-- Katharine Hepburn
%
-to be nobody but yourself in a world
+to be nobody but yourself in a world
which is doing its best night and day
to make you like everybody else
means to fight the hardest battle
any human being can fight and
-never stop fighting.
+never stop fighting.
-- e.e. cummings
%
To be nobody-but-yourself in a world which is doing its best to,
@@ -48656,12 +48648,12 @@ boarder.
Today you'll start getting heavy metal radio on your dentures.
%
Today's thrilling story has been brought to you by Mushies, the great new
-cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
+cereal that gets soggy even without milk or cream. Join us soon for more
spectacular adventure starring... Tippy, the Wonder Dog!
-- Bob & Ray
%
Todays weirdness is tomorrows reason why.
- -- H.S. Thompson
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson
%
Toddlers are the stormtroopers of the Lord of Entropy.
%
@@ -48739,7 +48731,7 @@ Too ripped. Gotta go.
Toothpaste never hurts the taste of good scotch.
%
Top Ten Things Overheard At The ANSI C Draft Committee Meetings:
-
+
10: Sorry, but that's too useful.
9: Dammit, little-endian systems *are* more consistent!
8: I'm on the committee and I *still* don't know what the hell
@@ -49147,10 +49139,10 @@ penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn,
owner then runs off to the sauna. When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
away. So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
-the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
+the zoo, I did." And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
the movies!"
%
-Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
+Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his
barstool and lay motionless on the floor.
"One thing about Jim," the other said to the bartender, "he sure
knows when to stop."
@@ -49160,8 +49152,8 @@ Two heads are better than one.
%
Two heads are more numerous than one.
%
-Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was
-performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by
+Two hundred years ago today, Irma Chine of White Plains, New York, was
+performing her normal housekeeping routines. She was interrupted by
British soldiers who, rallying to the call of their supervisor, General
Hughes, sought to gain control of the voter registration lists kept in
her home. Masking her fear and thinking fast, Mrs. Chine quickly divided
@@ -49288,7 +49280,7 @@ coughing and drops dead.
-- Woody Allen, "Without Feathers"
%
Uncle Cosmo, why do they call this a word processor?
-It's simple, Skyler. You've seen what food processors do to food, right?
+It's simple, Skyler. You've seen what food processors do to food, right?
%
Uncle Ed's Rule of Thumb:
Never use your thumb for a rule.
@@ -49504,6 +49496,14 @@ user, n:
Using TSO is like kicking a dead whale down the beach.
-- S.C. Johnson
%
+Using [Windows] for any sort of serious work is like playing an old
+text-based adventure game. You're five feet from making it to your
+goal, when bup-POW! a ten ton rock falls on your head. Because you
+didn't disarm the trap three hours before. [...]
+
+I always hated those adventure games.
+ -- David Gerard
+%
Using words to describe magic is like using a screwdriver to cut roast beef.
-- Tom Robbins
%
@@ -49905,7 +49905,7 @@ We all live under the same sky, but we don't all have the same horizon.
%
We are all agreed that your theory is crazy. The question which divides us is
whether it is crazy enough to have a chance of being correct. My own feeling
-is that it is not crazy enough.
+is that it is not crazy enough.
-- Niels Bohr
%
We are all born charming, fresh and spontaneous and must be civilized
@@ -50009,6 +50009,10 @@ We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified...
to do the unnecessary... for the ungrateful...
-- GI in Vietnam, 1970
%
+We are unavoidably drawn towards conservatism and death.
+The order is not insignificant.
+ -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
+%
We are what we are.
%
We are what we pretend to be.
@@ -50021,7 +50025,7 @@ We can embody the truth, but we cannot know it.
%
We can found no scientific discipline, nor a healthy profession on the
technical mistakes of the Department of Defense and IBM.
- -- Edsger Dijkstra
+ -- Edsger W. Dijkstra
%
We cannot command nature except by obeying her.
-- Sir Francis Bacon
@@ -50336,6 +50340,10 @@ It's just that some of our best friends are trying to kill us.
We secure our friends not by accepting favors but by doing them.
-- Thucydides
%
+We seem to have forgotten the simple truth that reason is never perfect.
+Only non-sense attains perfection.
+ -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
+%
We seldom repent talking too little, but very often talking too much.
-- Jean de la Bruyere
%
@@ -50362,7 +50370,7 @@ Each one serves until they screw up, at which point they rotate.
We should keep the Panama Canal. After all, we stole it fair and square.
-- S.I. Hayakawa
%
-We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they
+We should realize that a city is better off with bad laws, so long as they
remain fixed, then with good laws that are constantly being altered, that
the lack of learning combined with sound common sense is more helpful than
the kind of cleverness that gets out of hand, and that as a general rule,
@@ -50747,6 +50755,11 @@ Now you might think that unlike VAXen I'd know who I abuse,
I've got the : Segmentation violation -- Core dumped blues.
-- Core Dumped Blues
%
+Well, of course it worked. You made the ritual blood sacrifice. If you
+bleed on a machine while working on it, it will work. Unless it
+doesn't. In which case, you need someone else to bleed on it as well.
+ -- Wayne Pascoe
+%
We'll pivot at warp 2 and bring all tubes to bear, Mr. Sulu!
%
Well, some take delight in the carriages a-rolling,
@@ -51059,10 +51072,10 @@ And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over --
Like a syrupy sweet?
-
+
Maybe it just sags
Like a heavy load.
-
+
Or does it explode?
-- Langston Hughes
%
@@ -51456,6 +51469,10 @@ What we see depends on mainly what we look for.
What we wish, that we readily believe.
-- Demosthenes
%
+What will happen when the 32-bit Unix date goes negative in mid-January
+2038 does not bear thinking about.
+ -- Henry Spencer
+%
What will you do if all your problems aren't solved by the time you die?
%
What you don't know won't help you much either.
@@ -51471,7 +51488,7 @@ with as you will.
What you want, what you're hanging around in the world waiting for, is for
something to occur to you.
-- Robert Frost
-
+
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to AST's.]
%
@@ -51551,8 +51568,8 @@ But I think it's your mind.
What's this stuff about people being "released on their
own recognizance"? Aren't we all out on own recognizance?
%
-When a Banker jumps out of a window,
-jump after him -- that's where the money is.
+When a Banker jumps out of a window,
+jump after him -- that's where the money is.
-- Robespierre
%
When a camel flies, no one laughs if it doesn't get very far!
@@ -51752,7 +51769,7 @@ like my grandfather.
not screaming,
like the passengers in his car...
%
-When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A
+When I drink, *everybody* drinks!" a man shouted to the assembled bar patrons. A
loud general cheer went up. After downing his whiskey, he hopped onto a
barstool and shouted "When I take another drink, *everybody* takes another
drink!" The announcement produced another cheer and another round of drinks.
@@ -51816,7 +51833,7 @@ When I think about myself. Too poor to break,
My folks can make me split my side,
I laughed so hard I nearly died,
The tales they tell, sound just like lying,
-They grow the fruit,
+They grow the fruit,
But eat the rind,
I laugh until I start to crying,
When I think about my folks.
@@ -51826,7 +51843,7 @@ When I was 16, I thought there was no hope for my father.
By the time I was 20, he had made great improvement.
%
When I was a boy I was told that anyone could become President.
-Now I'm beginning to believe it.
+Now I'm beginning to believe it.
-- Clarence Darrow
%
When I was a child... We had a quick-sand box in the backyard...
@@ -52155,6 +52172,9 @@ When the candles are out all women are fair.
%
When the cup is full, carry it level.
%
+When the doubt vanishes and the issue becomes evident, stupidity reigns.
+ -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
+%
When the English language gets in my way, I walk over it.
-- Billy Sunday
%
@@ -52177,7 +52197,7 @@ your problem, you modify the problem, not the remedy.
When the government bureau's remedies don't match your problem, you modify
the problem, not the remedy.
%
-When the Guru administers, the users
+When the Guru administers, the users
are hardly aware that he exists.
Next best is a sysop who is loved.
Next, one who is feared.
@@ -52261,12 +52281,6 @@ When there is an old maid in the house, a watch dog is unnecessary.
When things go well, expect something to
explode, erode, collapse or just disappear.
%
-When two people are under the influence of the most violent, most insane,
-most delusive, and most transient of passions, they are required to swear
-that they will remain in that excited, abnormal, and exhausting condition
-continuously until death do them part.
- -- George Bernard Shaw
-%
When users see one GUI as beautiful,
other user interfaces become ugly.
When users see some programs as winners,
@@ -52278,7 +52292,7 @@ Double and float cast to each other.
High-endian and low-endian define each other.
While and until follow each other.
-Therefore the Guru
+Therefore the Guru
programs without doing anything
and teaches without saying anything.
Warnings arise and he lets them come;
@@ -52318,7 +52332,7 @@ When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
-- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
%
When you are about to do an objective and scientific piece of investigation
-of a topic, it is well to gave the answer firmly in hand, so that you can
+of a topic, it is well to have the answer firmly in hand, so that you can
proceed forthrightly, without being deflected or swayed, directly to the
goal.
-- Amrom Katz
@@ -52713,7 +52727,7 @@ As of some one gently rapping, rapping at my chamber door.
[Quoted in "VMS Internals and Data Structures", V4.4, when
referring to hardware interrupts.]
-
+
And now I see with eye serene
The very pulse of the machine.
-- William Wordsworth, "She Was a Phantom of Delight"
@@ -52893,7 +52907,7 @@ Who's on first?
Who's scruffy-looking?
-- Han Solo
%
-Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
+Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want *two* wives is a bigamystery.
%
Why am I so soft in the middle when the rest of my life is so hard?
@@ -52919,16 +52933,16 @@ I love entertainment
So long as it's clean.
Professor Doberman:
- While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded
-pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified
+ While the preceding poem is unarguably a change from the guarded
+pessimism of "The Hound of Heaven," it cannot be regarded as an unqualified
improvement. Obscurity is of value only when it tends to clarify the poetic
-experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one
-must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in
-fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one
-receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have
+experience. As much as one is compelled to admire the poem's technique, one
+must question whether its byplay of complex literary allusions does not in
+fact distract from the unity of the whole. In the final analysis, one
+receives the distinct impression that the poem's length could safely have
been reduced by a factor of eight or ten without sacrificing any of its
-meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be
-suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive
+meaning. It is to be hoped that further publication of this poem can be
+suspended pending a thorough investigation of its potential subversive
implications.
%
Why attack God? He may be as miserable as we are.
@@ -53133,7 +53147,7 @@ Why won't you let me kiss you goodnight? Is it something I said?
%
Why would anyone want to be called "Later"?
%
-Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?
+Why you say you no bunny rabbit when you have little powder-puff tail?
-- The Tasmanian Devil
%
Wiker's Law:
@@ -53474,7 +53488,7 @@ Women's Libbers are OK, I just wouldn't want my sister to marry one.
Women's virtue is man's greatest invention.
-- Cornelia Otis Skinner
%
-Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
+Wonder is the feeling of a philosopher,
and philosophy begins in wonder.
Socrates, quoting Plato
%
@@ -53698,7 +53712,7 @@ Would you *really* want to get on a non-stop flight?
%
"Would you tell me, please, which way I ought to go from here?"
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get to," said the Cat.
- -- Lewis Carrol
+ -- Lewis Carroll
%
Wouldn't this be a great world if being insecure and desperate were
a turn-on?
@@ -53862,7 +53876,7 @@ X windows:
When you can't afford to be right.
And you thought we couldn't make it worse.
-If it works, it isn't X windows.
+If it works, it isn't X windows.
%
X windows:
You'd better sit down.
@@ -54122,7 +54136,7 @@ the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware.
%
Yes, we will be going to OSI, Mars and, Pluto, but not necessarily in
that order.
- -- Jeffrey Honig
+ -- George Michaelson
%
Yesterday I was a dog. Today I'm a dog.
Tomorrow I'll probably still be a dog.
@@ -54353,6 +54367,10 @@ You can always tell luck from ability by its duration.
You can always tell the people that are forging the new frontier.
They're the ones with arrows sticking out of their backs.
%
+You can approach truth, but never capture it.
+Lies can be had 'round the corner.
+ -- Poul Henningsen [1894-1967]
+%
You can be replaced by this computer.
%
You can bear anything if it isn't your own fault.
@@ -54684,7 +54702,7 @@ You get along very well with everyone except animals and people.
You get what you pay for.
-- Gabriel Biel
%
-You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me
+You give me space to belong to myself yet without separating me
from your own life. May it all turn out to your happiness.
-- Goethe
%
@@ -54729,7 +54747,7 @@ You have a massage (from the Swedish prime minister).
%
You have a message from the operator.
%
-You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
+You have a reputation for being thoroughly reliable and trustworthy.
A pity that it's totally undeserved.
%
You have a strong appeal for members of the opposite sex.
@@ -54757,7 +54775,7 @@ You have an ability to sense and know higher truth.
%
You have an ambitious nature and may make a name for yourself.
%
-You have an unusual equipment for success.
+You have an unusual equipment for success.
Be sure to use it properly.
%
You have an unusual understanding of
@@ -54862,10 +54880,6 @@ next minute our brains have us married with kids, the following minute we see
him having an extramarital affair. By the time someone says "I'd like you to
meet Cecil," we shout, "You're late again with the child support!"
-- Cynthia Heimel, "A Girl's Guide to Chaos"
-%%
-I don't have any use for bodyguards, but I do have a specific use for two
-highly trained certified public accountants.
- -- Elvis Presley
%
You know you are getting old when you think you should drive the speed limit.
-- E.A. Gilliam
@@ -54902,7 +54916,7 @@ You know you're in trouble when...
You know you're in trouble when...
1) Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you
follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
-2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
+2) You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party
and there aren't any.
3) Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
4) The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
@@ -54910,18 +54924,18 @@ You know you're in trouble when...
6) Your mother approves of the person you're dating.
%
You know you're in trouble when...
-(1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
+(1) Your only son tells you he wishes Anita Bryant would mind
her own business.
(2) You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
(3) You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
(4) You see a `60 Minutes' news team waiting in your office.
(5) Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
-(6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
+(6) Your 4-year old reveals that it's "almost impossible" to
flush a grapefruit down the toilet.
(7) You realize that you've memorized the back of the cereal box.
%
You know you're in trouble when...
-(1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
+(1) You've been at work for an hour before you notice that your
skirt is caught in your pantyhose.
(2) Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
(3) Your income tax check bounces.
@@ -54930,7 +54944,7 @@ You know you're in trouble when...
(6) You wake up to the soothing sound of flowing water... the day
after you bought a waterbed.
(7) You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk
- clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
+ clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party
for your spouse.
%
You know you've been sitting in front of your Lisp machine too long
@@ -55200,7 +55214,7 @@ You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
%
You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old.
%
-You will be advanced socially,
+You will be advanced socially,
without any special effort on your part.
%
You will be aided greatly by a person
@@ -55224,10 +55238,10 @@ You will be given a post of trust and responsibility.
%
You will be held hostage by a radical group.
%
-You will be honored for contributing
+You will be honored for contributing
your time and skill to a worthy cause.
%
-You will be imprisoned for contributing
+You will be imprisoned for contributing
your time and skill to a bank robbery.
%
You will be married within a year.
diff --git a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o
index 028388f4ac8d..49d6fb9ab3c4 100644
--- a/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o
+++ b/games/fortune/datfiles/fortunes2-o
@@ -1,3 +1,6 @@
+This fortune brought to you by:
+$FreeBSD$
+%
PLAYGIRL, Inc.
Philadelphia, Pa. 19369
Dear Sir:
@@ -50,9 +53,9 @@ Leprosy, all my skin is falling off of me.
I'm not half the man I used to be.
Oh, how did I get leprosy?
-Syphillis, it all started with a simple kiss.
+Syphilis, it all started with a simple kiss.
Now it even hurts to take a piss.
-Oh why did I get syphillis?
+Oh why did I get syphilis?
Why'd she have VD? I don't know, she wouldn't say.
I did something wrong, now I long for yesterday ....
@@ -248,19 +251,19 @@ had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..."
"Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands... Don't you lie to me!
You've been bowling again!"
%
- A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
-dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
+ A guy returns from a long trip to Europe, having left his beloved
+dog in his brother's care. The minute he's cleared customs, he calls up his
brother and inquires after his pet.
"Your dog's dead," replies his brother bluntly.
- The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
-he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
-of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
-outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
+ The guy is devastated. "You know how much that dog meant to me,"
+he moaned into the phone. "Couldn't you at least have thought of a nicer way
+of breaking the news? Couldn't you have said, `Well, you know, the dog got
+outside one day, and was crossing the street, and a car was speeding around a
corner...' or something...? Why are you always so thoughtless?"
"Look, I'm sorry," said his brother, "I guess I just didn't think."
"Okay, okay, let's just put it behind us. How are you anyway?
How's Mom?"
- His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
+ His brother is silent a moment. "Uh," he stammers, "uh... Mom got
outside one day..."
%
A guy walks into a pub and asks: "Does anyone here own a Doberman?
@@ -317,14 +320,14 @@ NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone
in your family like pussy?"
"Yeah. Me and my sister."
%
- A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old
-Scotch". The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches
+ A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old
+Scotch". The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches
down under the bar and pours him a shot of bar Scotch. The man takes one sip
and says: "Hey, bartender, I asked you for some twelve-year-old Scotch -- this
is eight-year-old Scotch."
The bartender reaches behind the bar for the twelve-year-old Scotch,
pours a shot, hands it to the man and says "I've got to hand it to you --
-most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even
+most guys who come in here asking for twelve-year-old Scotch have never even
had it -- they're just being pricks. But you really know your Scotch -- this
is on the house."
A drunk has been sitting at the other end of the bar watching this
@@ -365,7 +368,7 @@ hung than *anybody*."
all night. By the way, my name is Sue. What's yours?"
"Running Bear Sheldon."
%
- A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.
+ A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.
He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure
@@ -373,16 +376,16 @@ what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry,
"Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
- "These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my
+ "These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my
clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
"Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just
-hasn't been your day, has it?"
+hasn't been your day, has it?"
%
- A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this
-particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the
-man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very
-fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants,
-felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under
+ A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this
+particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the
+man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very
+fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants,
+felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under
the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
@@ -391,11 +394,11 @@ quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
%
A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and,
-while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife
+while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife
was the better cook. One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the
Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family.
The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew
-that he had ever eaten.
+that he had ever eaten.
"Damn! That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host. "What
kind of meat is it?"
"Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican.
@@ -404,8 +407,8 @@ kind of meat is it?"
"Rabbits don't make any noise..."
"Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!"
%
- A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother
-asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange
+ A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother
+asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange
symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced,
"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
@@ -414,9 +417,9 @@ girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She
turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
"Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as
kissed a man!"
- The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then,
-silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued
-staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something
+ The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then,
+silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued
+staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something
wrong out there?"
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything
like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if
@@ -514,18 +517,18 @@ this marriage and I would want to be this happy again."
The wife asked, "Would you give your new wife my car?"
"Yes," he replied. "That's a good car and it runs well."
"Well, would you live in this house?"
- "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
+ "Yes, it is a lovely house and you have decorated it beautifully.
I've always loved it here."
"Well, would you give her my golf clubs?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"She's left handed."
%
- A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park.
-They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate
-love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned
+ A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park.
+They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate
+love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned
to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time."
- She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off
+ She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off
my pantyhose."
%
A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob,
@@ -534,7 +537,7 @@ settle for a kiss."
The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?"
%
After watching an extremely attractive maternity-ward patient
-earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
+earnestly thumbing her way through a telephone directory for several
minutes, a hospital orderly finally asked if he could be of some help.
"No, thanks," smiled the young mother, "I'm just looking for a
name for my baby."
@@ -581,13 +584,13 @@ yaki-san!"
The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed,
"What do you mean, wrong hole?"
%
- An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
+ An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
city and asked to be served the specialty of the house. When the dish
arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained. "These, senor," explained
the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the
testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today.
The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious.
-Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was
+Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish. When it was
served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are
much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
"True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose."
@@ -612,21 +615,21 @@ handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
fixed?"
%
- An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a
-man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?"
+ An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a
+man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names please?"
said the the soldier.
- "My name is Mary," said the woman.
- "And mine is Joseph," said the man.
+ "My name is Mary," said the woman.
+ "And mine is Joseph," said the man.
"Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you
going?"
"To Bethlehem."
- "Your reason for going there?"
+ "Your reason for going there?"
"To pay our taxes to the government."
"Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?"
- "Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto
+ "Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto
Ricans?"
%
- An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
+ An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
"I have a dead pussy."
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
@@ -657,7 +660,7 @@ all is not lost! SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just
sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers. Through
the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal
muscles. With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the
-"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistable", the "California Crusher", and,
+"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistible", the "California Crusher", and,
of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm". Or,
using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own!
SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely
@@ -703,23 +706,23 @@ Ms. W: "Oh, dear!"
Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run
too fast."
%
- Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
-Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and
-subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
-sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste
+ Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
+Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and
+subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
+sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste
treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you."
- Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
-blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
-Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
+ Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
+blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
+Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
"What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
"My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
%
- Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best
+ Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best
friend asked him how it went.
- "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second
-night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six
-times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the
+ "The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second
+night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six
+times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the
last night, nothing!"
"Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"
"Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
@@ -739,8 +742,8 @@ unto a snowball in Hell."
But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that
cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin
to the benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The
-latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing
-with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole
+latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing
+with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole
bunch of knuckles.
-- Harlan Ellison
%
@@ -788,7 +791,7 @@ the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell her,
Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
%
- "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
+ "Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
%
"Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you.
@@ -809,11 +812,11 @@ to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it
quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already
had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she
now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming
-in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck
-the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door
-she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in
-response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my
-ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert,
+in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck
+the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door
+she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in
+response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my
+ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert,
and you... uh... don't have all the..."
"Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
%
@@ -829,29 +832,29 @@ They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
%
- During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
-blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
-country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
+ During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
+blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
+country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
hit my wife."
"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot
at mine, over there."
%
- During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her
+ During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her
husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor,
she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
%
- Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
-blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
-while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved
-to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
-pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father."
- He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh,
+ Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
+blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
+while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved
+to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
+pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father."
+ He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh,
stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father."
But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no
-protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
-tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked.
- Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
-tug at his sleeve. "Again?"
+protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
+tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked.
+ Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
+tug at his sleeve. "Again?"
And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted
by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father."
@@ -884,27 +887,27 @@ of 5 hours and 26 minutes. Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is
not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten
and not care."
%
- Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see
-a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a
+ Every morning, the crowd on Coney Island beach was startled to see
+a jogger with the build of a pro football player but a head the size of a
baseball. Finally, some brave young man got up the nerve to stop him and
ask, "What happened to give you such a small head?"
- The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach,
+ The jogger sadly told the story of finding a magic lamp on the beach,
which produced a beautiful genie when rubbed. The genie said, "I now give
you one wish. Do you want a quick fuck or a little head?"
%
- Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman,
-obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance
-floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette
+ Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman,
+obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance
+floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiosity got the best of the cigarette
girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman
of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties
unimpaired?"
- The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not
-all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a
-girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place
+ The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not
+all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a
+girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place
about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."
- "Why, George," she said in suprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
- "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to
+ "Why, George," she said in surprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
+ "So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to
fail me."
%
Farmer Johnson was drunk again.
@@ -918,7 +921,7 @@ could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob."
"First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight,"
said the guy aggressively.
"Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.
- "Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in
+ "Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in
town."
"Oh, no, you won't."
"Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris."
@@ -957,17 +960,17 @@ the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
thoughts?"
Replied the fourth professor, "'An Anthology of Prose.'"
%
- Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
-engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
-was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
+ Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
+engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
+was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
and sarcastic?"
"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
%
"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
-beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
-dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
+beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
+dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
%
@@ -987,7 +990,7 @@ differences once and for all.
When Satan heard of this, he grinned and said, "And just
where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?"
%
- Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
+ Harry, a golfing enthusiast if there ever was one, arrived home
from the club to an irate, ranting wife.
"I'm leaving you, Harry," his wife announced bitterly. "You
promised me faithfully that you'd be back before six and here it is almost
@@ -1003,7 +1006,7 @@ the next 15 holes, it was hit the ball, drag Fred, hit the ball, drag Fred...
No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
been worse."
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
-situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
+situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
@@ -1050,19 +1053,19 @@ to a dead cat, do you?"
-- Monty Python
%
"Hello, Police Department."
- "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually
+ "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually
molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!"
"Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
"Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping
on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything.
-Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
+Suddenly he had his great big old calloused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He
held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I
-couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty
+couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty
pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an
erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my
throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man.
-Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on
+Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on
my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to
say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't
know how thick... into my... Just a minute."
@@ -1133,7 +1136,7 @@ young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
I'm on my way."
"Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
%
- In the begining, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
+ In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
mud."
And there was mud.
And God said, "Let Us make living creatures out of mud, so the mud
@@ -1240,7 +1243,7 @@ suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many
life forms are periodically subject to its wrath. How did the preying mantis
become stuck in such a awful, vicious cycle? This is probably what happened:
The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After
-some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphram) they mate.
+some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate.
The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the
male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until
the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the
@@ -1296,7 +1299,7 @@ audience, either."
Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
-cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal committment.
+cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment.
Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
@@ -1314,18 +1317,18 @@ Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many
times a job applicant has had the clap.
Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written
-by a professional liar?
+by a professional liar?
If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question:
did the applicant go to TCU?
If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she
have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall?
-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
%
- On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
-to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
-There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
-alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
-dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
+ On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
+to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
+There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
+alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
+dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
saying."
The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
@@ -1348,7 +1351,7 @@ multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the
King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound,
-but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffe pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
+but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffee pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored
banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
%
@@ -1364,7 +1367,7 @@ way it goes? Try to help someone and you get fucked."
seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp
and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone
bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the
-flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's charactaristic curves,
+flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's characteristic curves,
soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum. He laid
her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance.
He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket,
@@ -1382,7 +1385,7 @@ each others fuses.
-- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron"
%
One of my favorite Zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while
-visiting the zoo, desided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks
+visiting the zoo, decided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks
up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast. Needless to
say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in
kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...!
@@ -1396,7 +1399,7 @@ never writes..."
%
One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY. So he took his Miss
HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he
-there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definately
+there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definitely
made his TOOSIE ROLL.
He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT
which of course caused the MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she
@@ -1457,13 +1460,13 @@ motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness. But I have spent enough time in
jackrabbit country to know that most of them lead pretty dull lives; they are
bored with their daily routines: eat, fuck, sleep, hop around a bush now and
then... No wonder some of them drift over the line into cheap thrills once in
-a while; there has to be a powerful adrenalin rush in crouching by the side of
+a while; there has to be a powerful adrenaline rush in crouching by the side of
a road, waiting for the next set of headlights to come along, then streaking
out of the bushes with split-second timing and making it across to the other
side just inches in front of the speeding front wheels.
- Why not? Anything that gets the adrenalin moving like a 440 volt
+ Why not? Anything that gets the adrenaline moving like a 440 volt
blast in a copper bathtub is good for the reflexes and keeps the veins free
-of cholesterol ... but too many adrenalin rushes in any given time-span has
+of cholesterol ... but too many adrenaline rushes in any given time-span has
the same bad effect on the nervous system as too many electro-shock treatments
are said to have on the brain: after a while you start burning out the
circuits.
@@ -1802,7 +1805,7 @@ the Church after something like that."
into Safeway anymore either."
%
There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in
-a bar having a few drinks together.
+a bar having a few drinks together.
The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to
drive your wife wild in bed?"
"Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the
@@ -1825,10 +1828,10 @@ nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun
it once, and the damn dog bit me!"
%
"They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
-parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
+parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
-Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
+Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
"Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
@@ -1840,7 +1843,7 @@ country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
look over the kid's photos and information and they say, 'Oh, the Emersons...
yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
- "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
+ "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
"It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
@@ -1913,37 +1916,37 @@ arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do
for a living?"
"Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..."
%
- Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally
+ Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally
ran out. "I have an idea," croaked Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow
shum money from my wife."
- The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light,
+ The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light,
and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man.
-This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to
+This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to
affect the husband.
"Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban?" he
asked.
"Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantle, and for
Pete's sake, turn off those lights."
- Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's
+ Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's
enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good, eh, old buddy?"
"But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle
he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?"
"The hell with him," replied Al. "Let him buy his own pint."
%
- Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club
+ Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club
car of a train headed east out of Chicago.
"I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to
London?"
- The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war,"
+ The American laughed. "It was my home for two years during the war,"
he said. "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did
he say, Reggie?"
"He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman
replied.
- After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You
+ After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You
didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"
- The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he
-exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months
+ The American almost fell off his chair. "Hot Pants Hazel!" he
+exclaimed. "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months
just before I came back to the States!"
"What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
"He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
@@ -1952,7 +1955,7 @@ just before I came back to the States!"
were rear-ended by a huge semi. Somewhat shaken, they maneuvered over to the
side of the road, where Phil instructed Larry to get out and confront the truck
driver. "Tell him we're going to sue, sue, sue!" he shrieked.
- Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to
+ Obligingly, Larry got out and went around to the cab of the truck to
deliver this message to the huge, burly driver, whose response was to snarl,
"Ah, why doncha suck my cock."
"Phil," said Larry, coming back to their car, "I think we're going
@@ -1969,26 +1972,26 @@ and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"
"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass
it ain't gonna be Cheerios."
%
- Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about
+ Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about
their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife
has cut me down to just once a week."
- "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know
+ "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know
two guys she's cut off altogether.
%
- Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering
-the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
-mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he
-noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well,
-hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and
-the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're
-lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he
+ Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering
+the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the
+mortuary, and the mortician began work. When he had unclothed the corpse, he
+noticed a cork in the anus. Removing it, the strains of "Hello, Dolly, well,
+hello, Dolly...!" were plainly heard being sung. He put the cork back, and
+the singing stopped. Pulling it out again, the same song started, "You're
+lookin' swell, Dolly!". Amazed, he telephoned his partner, and insisted he
come immediately to see something very unusual. Roused from sleep, the partner
-asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally
-the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he
-said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at
-this ungodly hour?"
+asked if it could wait until morning. It took great persistence, but finally
+the partner agreed to dress and come down to the shop. When he got there, he
+said, "Now what was it that was so important you had to get me out of bed at
+this ungodly hour?"
The man said, "Come into the embalming room."
- They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now
+ They go into the embalming room, and the first partner says, "Now
watch."
He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The
partner looks at him disgustedly and says: "You brought me down here at
@@ -2011,7 +2014,7 @@ screaming: "Holy Jesus! What are these goddamn animals?"
Then it was quiet again. My attorney had taken his shirt off and
was pouring beer on his chest, to facilitate the tanning process. "What the
hell are you yelling about?" he muttered, staring up at the sun with his
-eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sungalsses. "Never mind,"
+eyes closed and covered with wraparound Spanish sunglasses. "Never mind,"
I said. "It's your turn to drive." I hit the brakes and aimed the Great
Red Shark toward the shoulder of the highway. No point in mentioning the
bats, I thought. The poor bastard will see them soon enough.
@@ -2071,7 +2074,7 @@ Rumania.
-- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
%
While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
-the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
+the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
"Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
@@ -2095,7 +2098,7 @@ into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one
evening and followed him. After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he
waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding
an explanation. She told him the whole story.
- "Hmmm," mused the captian. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
+ "Hmmm," mused the captain. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
admire that young seaman's ingenuity. However, miss, I feel it is only fair
to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry."
%
@@ -2125,7 +2128,7 @@ his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
be anything else?"
%
You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an
-elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you
+elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you
up in the bar last night?"
"Uh-huh," the elephant replies.
"Did I bring you home?"
@@ -2147,7 +2150,7 @@ that they are easily disposed to restore to the sword. My own belief in
God, then, is just that -- a matter of belief, not knowledge. My respect
for Jesus Christ arises from the fact that He seems to have been the most
virtuous inhabitant of Planet Earth. But even well-educated Christians are
-frustated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus
+frustrated in their thirst for certainty about the beloved figure of Jesus
because of the undeniable ambiguity of the scriptural record. Such ambiguity
is not apparent to children or fanatics, but every recognized Bible scholar
is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to
@@ -2178,6 +2181,16 @@ And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
Afore I have a pee.
-- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry"
%
+1. The sport of choice for the low skill level employees is: BASKETBALL.
+2. The sport of choice for maintainence level employees is: BOWLING.
+3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is: FOOTBALL.
+4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: BASEBALL.
+5. The sport of choice for middle management is: TENNIS.
+6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: GOLF.
+
+AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller
+your balls.
+%
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
@@ -2200,7 +2213,7 @@ And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
4. You don't have to let a beer win.
5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
sleep with it beer, too.
- 6. A beer helps with the houswork.
+ 6. A beer helps with the housework.
7. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
@@ -2215,7 +2228,7 @@ And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
4. You don't have to let a beer win.
5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
sleep with it, too.
- 6. A beer helps with the houswork.
+ 6. A beer helps with the housework.
7. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
@@ -2271,7 +2284,7 @@ And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
3. A beer won't steal all the covers.
4. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer.
5. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
- 6. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
+ 6. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo".
7. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
8. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
9. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
@@ -2298,7 +2311,7 @@ And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
7. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
8. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
9. A beer won't steal the covers.
-10. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
+10. A beer doesn't buy everything labeled "turbo".
11. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
12. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
13. A beer tastes good.
@@ -2345,8 +2358,8 @@ And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't
make you ill.
%
-A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for
-more than a year.
+A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for
+more than a year.
"Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?"
"Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room."
"I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He
@@ -2355,7 +2368,7 @@ A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again.
He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through
this part of town?"
"Nope. Nary a one. But we still got George in the back room."
- Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of
+ Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of
thing," and turned on his heel and left.
Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on
his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the
@@ -2432,7 +2445,7 @@ I am not I, I'm a tree."
And covered his pants leg with pee.
%
A beautiful belle of Del Norte
-Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty
+Is reckoned disdainful and haughty
Because during the day
She says: "Boys, keep away!"
But she fucks in the gloaming like forty.
@@ -2444,9 +2457,9 @@ Is loved by a fellow named Ikey.
Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey.
%
A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
-purgatory for the purse.
+purgatory for the purse.
%
-A beautiful, voluptous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes
+A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes
one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right
away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her
thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
@@ -2528,7 +2541,7 @@ Was heard to confess in her cups:
Was fucking a collie --
But I got a nice price for the pups."
%
-A burleyque dancer, a pip
+A burlesque dancer, a pip
Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
But she read science fiction
And died of constriction
@@ -2999,7 +3012,7 @@ He couldn't get out with ESC.
A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
Made love to the drive of his disk.
The thing circumsized him,
- Which rather suprised him.
+ Which rather surprised him.
He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
%
A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush.
@@ -3435,7 +3448,7 @@ to his death.
"DUMB YANKEE."
%
A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
-by the side of the street. Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned
+by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
@@ -3621,8 +3634,8 @@ you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
%
A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From
his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
-sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprieter, "How much
-to replace this, Ian?" The proprieter says, "Why, Angus, that'l be four
+sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much
+to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'l be four
pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the
condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders
for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."
@@ -3701,7 +3714,7 @@ attendant.
"Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper
pricks than those raised in Africa?"
The attendant hesitated for a moment. "Well, ma'am," he answered,
-"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are
+"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are
about the same."
%
A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at
@@ -3717,7 +3730,7 @@ wanted to try out a pig himself. He had watched several miners walk upstairs
to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms. Now, he was
game to make his move. He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose
a nice fat, pink sow. As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went
-quiet. In the embarassing hush, all eyes were upon him.
+quiet. In the embarrassing hush, all eyes were upon him.
"What's the matter? I thought all you fellows did this!"
"Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep.
%
@@ -3948,7 +3961,7 @@ Aboard the good ship Venus, The cabin boy, the captain's joy,
The mast it was a penis, A cunning little nipper,
Her figurehead They filled his ass,
A whore in bed, With broken glass,
-Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcized the skipper.
+Good grief you should have seen us! And circumcised the skipper.
The first mate's name was Higgins, The captain's daughter Mabel,
And Higgins was a biggins, They screwed when they were able,
@@ -3968,7 +3981,7 @@ AC/DC is a rock band.
Achilles' Biological Findings:
(1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.
If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
- (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
+ (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
-- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.
%
Adam's Law:
@@ -3977,7 +3990,7 @@ Adam's Law:
(2) Men know very well what they want;
having got it, they begin to lose interest.
%
-Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex,
+Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex,
and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it...
%
Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages --
@@ -4008,8 +4021,8 @@ for a while, and then kissed on the couch. A little fondling, some feeling
and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they
were in the wide, cool bed, naked together. They chatted more, established
a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying. The
-girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good.
- "Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could
+girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good.
+ "Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could
be my own daughter." He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes.
"Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl
like you doing in a hotel like this?"
@@ -4019,7 +4032,7 @@ After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
%
After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested
in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically. In desperation, Joan
-hauled him to a marriage couselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints
+hauled him to a marriage counselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints
and Max's protestations. Max claimed that he was being nagged unmercifully
to fulfill Joan's needs, and that after awhile every marriage tended to
become less physical. Joan said that that wasn't true and that she had
@@ -4173,7 +4186,7 @@ crime? Who enjoys his job today? You? Me? Anybody? The only satisfying
part of any job is coffee break, lunch hour and quitting time. Years ago
there was at least the hope of improvement -- eventual promotion -- more
important jobs to come. Once you can be sold the myth that you may make
-president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps. But nobody
+president of the company you'll hardly ever steal stamps. But nobody
believes he's going to be president anymore. The more people change jobs
the more they realize that there is a direct connection between working for
a living and total stupefying boredom. So why NOT take revenge? You're not
@@ -4268,7 +4281,7 @@ America's two greatest inventions are finger-fucking and carpet-bombing.
An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches.
%
An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about
-the happiness of life.
+the happiness of life.
"To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a wonderful
dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching Monday Night
Football," the American said.
@@ -4283,7 +4296,7 @@ with fear, you rush out and open the door. Right there, you see two secret
policemen ready to handcuff you. One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van
Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities. You are
being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!' Sweating profusely and
-shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh
+shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh
lives next door.' That moment is happiness in life, my friends.
%
An American businessman in London was given special visitor's privileges at an
@@ -4355,7 +4368,7 @@ who has seen the Managing Director face on).
-- Katherine Whitehorn, "Roundabout"
%
And do you not think that each of you women is an Eve? The judgement of God
-upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of
+upon your sex endures today; and with it invariably endures your position of
criminal at the bar of justice.
-- Tertullian, second-century Christian writer
%
@@ -4373,12 +4386,12 @@ lewdly darted the tip of his tongue into each of my nostrils, one after the
other, and with such cleverness he provoked two or three sneezes which
redoubled the flow he desired and was consuming so hungrily. But ask me for
no details bearing upon this fellow, Messieurs, nothing appeared, and whether
-because he did nothing, or becaues he did it all in his drawers, there was
+because he did nothing, or because he did it all in his drawers, there was
nothing to be seen, and amidst the multitude of his kisses and lecherous
lickings there was nothing outstanding which might have denoted an ecstasy,
and consequently it is my opinion that he did not discharge. All my clothes
were in place, even his hands stayed still, and I give you my word that this
-old libertine's fantasy might be performed upon the world's most repectable
+old libertine's fantasy might be performed upon the world's most respectable
and least initiated girl without her being able to suppose there was anything
lewd in it at all.
-- Marquis de Sade
@@ -4453,14 +4466,14 @@ there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it.
%
Another stupid gay joke!!!
You see, this gay man walks into a Texas bar and orders a strawberry
-daquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't
+daiquiri. The bartender looks him over with amusement and says: "We don't
serve your kind, buddy, why don't you get out of here before the boys come
in and kick your ass?"
The guy whimpers a little and lisps, "Pleasse misssture I am soooo
thurstay...."
Well, the bartender feels somewhat sorry for him and hands him a beer
-on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon
-as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the
+on the house on the condition that he drink it in the back and leave as soon
+as he's done. A little while later, a hulking cowboy walks in and up to the
bar. He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could
lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!"
From the back of the bar comes the cry... "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!"
@@ -4559,7 +4572,7 @@ as soon as you notice any of the following symptoms:
-- An overwhelming sense of peace and happiness.
-- Visions of the faces of deceased family members.
-- A glorious figure in white, beckoning from the end of a tunnel of
-white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintainance officers,
+white mist (do not confuse this with traffic control or maintenance officers,
who wear dark blue and safety orange.)
Once the feeling has passed, inspect your surroundings. If still in
your car, you have probably suffered a stroke and should have someone drive
@@ -4568,7 +4581,7 @@ the local officials for information on local traffic rules and regulations.
%
As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two
figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew
-his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking,
+his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking,
oblivious to his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt barely three
inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them. "You
could have been killed!"
@@ -4657,11 +4670,11 @@ popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
blooded born and bred Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady. The city-slicker
kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll
-give you $10 for a blow job."
+give you $10 for a blow job."
The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and
killed the city-slicker on the spot. The lady gasped and said, "Thank
you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"
- Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell!
+ Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell!
No tenderfoot is gonna come 'round here raisin' the price of women in Texas!"
%
Balls Law:
@@ -4670,7 +4683,7 @@ Balls Law:
%
BALTIMORE:
Where the women wear turtleneck
- sweators to hide their flea collars.
+ sweaters to hide their flea collars.
%
Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
%
@@ -4713,7 +4726,7 @@ beef stroganoff, n:
"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, "I want to
confess some affairs that I've had in the past."
"But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man
-replied.
+replied.
"Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago."
%
Beifeld's Principle:
@@ -4741,7 +4754,7 @@ While Riley was away.
%
Benny Hill: Would you like a peanut?
Girl: No, thank you, I don't want to be under obligation.
-Benny Hill: You won't be under obligation for a peanut.
+Benny Hill: You won't be under obligation for a peanut.
It's not as if it were a chocolate bar or something.
%
Better a sister in a whorehouse than a brother on a Honda.
@@ -4761,7 +4774,7 @@ generally is a magnificent erotic instrument. The famous gentleman in erotic
prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands,
and both big toes. Use the toe in mammary or armpit intercourse or any time
you are astride her, or sit facing as she lies or sits. Make sure the nail
-isn't sharp. In a restuarant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously
+isn't sharp. In a restaurant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously
remove a shoe and sock, reach over, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm
with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact--
A party trick which really rates as advanced sex. She has less scope, but
@@ -4771,9 +4784,9 @@ results.
-- The Joy of Sex
[Avoid armpit intercourse when razor stubble is present. Ed.]
%
-Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they
-discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women
-can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she
+Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they
+discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women
+can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she
don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!"
%
Birth, copulation and death.
@@ -4843,7 +4856,7 @@ students. A three-foot bar of extruded aluminum was precisely machined,
with a hole milled down the center of precisely the dimensions of one of
the small Gideon bibles. The end capped off, a CO2 canister was connected
to provide up to 2,000 PSIG. Prelimary estimates during field testing
-revealed a muzzle velocity of approximarly 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting
+revealed a muzzle velocity of approximately 120-150 MPH for bibles exiting
the tube. Sufficient ammunition was obtained during a previous visit to
campus by another religious organization, and the system was first used on
Brother Jim, who suffered a broken rib and numerous small bruises, in
@@ -4855,10 +4868,10 @@ brunette bush, n:
bug, n:
A son of a glitch.
%
-Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee
+Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee
Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was the new bait.
-The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about
-cheese, except mice. But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with
+The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about
+cheese, except mice. But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with
tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped.
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
%
@@ -5023,7 +5036,7 @@ a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God.
In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents.
%
CHRISTMAS:
- A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry
+ A day set apart by some as a time for turkey, presents, cranberry
salads, family get-togethers; for others, noted as having the best
response time of the entire year.
%
@@ -5184,10 +5197,10 @@ Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
[Taking a shower in raincoat? Ed.]
%
-Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphrams.
+Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphragms.
-- Robin Williams
%
-Confucious say:
+Confucius say:
man who lay girl on hill, not on level.
man who pull out too fast leave rubber.
man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
@@ -5202,7 +5215,7 @@ Confucious say:
a smart man knows on which side his broad is better.
man who arrives late to party will find himself beaten to the punch!
%
-Confucious say:
+Confucius say:
man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs.
man and mouse the same, both end up in pussy.
@@ -5214,7 +5227,7 @@ Confucious say:
man who lie under car, get tired -- man who stand behind car,
get exhausted.
%
-Confucious say:
+Confucius say:
woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house.
woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring
next spring.
@@ -5223,13 +5236,13 @@ Confucious say:
man who kicked in testicles get left holding bag.
man who suck nipples make clean breast of things.
woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine.
- woman's irginity like balloon, one prick and all gone.
+ woman's virginity like balloon, one prick and all gone.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best.
squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
- eplileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one.
+ epileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one.
seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
%
-Confucious say:
+Confucius say:
woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town.
fool man climb tree to get cherries; wise man spread limbs.
woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up.
@@ -5256,7 +5269,7 @@ confusion, n:
Father's Day in San Francisco.
%
CONSULTANT:
- Someone who knowns 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
+ Someone who knows 101 ways to make love, but can't get a date.
%
continental breakfast, n:
A roll in bed with some honey.
@@ -5300,20 +5313,9 @@ Cox's philosophy:
%
coyote love, n:
Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is
- the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles
- bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping
- on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you
- chew off your arm at the shoulder.
-
-coyote ugly, adj:
- When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for
- a one-armed man!
-%
-coyote love, n:
- Coyote love is a nebulous term. Basically, what it involves is
- the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles
+ the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles
bar. Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping
- on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you
+ on your arm. So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you
chew off your arm at the shoulder.
coyote ugly, adj:
@@ -5327,7 +5329,7 @@ as alcohol consumption increases and time, t, approaches last call.
and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and
because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be
more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our
-entire intellectualy heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing
+entire intellectual heritage -- good teaching -- than a bill forcing
honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment
to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any
general understanding of science as an enterprise?
@@ -5354,7 +5356,7 @@ Sed virginem pine necebat.
%
Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness.
%
-Curiousity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
+Curiosity killed the cat, but satisfaction brought her back.
%
Dad," the 13-year-old boy asked, looking up from his social-studies text,
"what did you do during the sexual revolution?"
@@ -5409,7 +5411,10 @@ you can all go to hell, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you..."
%
Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention.
%
-Dave has an areoplane,
+date; talk; touch; unzip; finger; expand; strip; head; mount; yes; yes; yes;
+eject; more; sleep
+%
+Dave has an aeroplane,
In which he likes to frisk.
Oh what a foolish boy,
His silly *.
@@ -5447,7 +5452,7 @@ Dear Confused:
Dear Ann Landers:
I have a problem. I have two brothers; one works for the Illinois
Bell Telephone Company, the other brother was just sentenced to death
-in the electric chair for murder. My mother died from insanity when
+in the electric chair for murder. My mother died from insanity when
I was three years old. My two sisters are prostitutes and my father
sells narcotics.
I recently met girl who was just released from a reformatory where
@@ -5545,7 +5550,7 @@ He was blown down the street by a rocket.
Blew his balls up his ass,
And his pecker was found in his pocket.
%
-Did you hear they cancelled Easter this year?
+Did you hear they canceled Easter this year?
Found the body.
%
Did you know that some people your age have sex
@@ -5635,9 +5640,6 @@ idea that I'm knocking the American system.
Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love.
-- Woody Allen
%
-Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.
- -- Woody Allen
-%
Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
-- Bo Diddley
%
@@ -5776,17 +5778,16 @@ Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
closing in, the only cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then drive
like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas ... with the music at top volume
and at least a pint of ether.
- -- H.S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
+ -- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas"
%
Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and then
drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas.
-- Hunter S. Thompson
%
-Every now and then when your life gets complicated and the weasels start
-closing in, the only real cure is to load up on heinous chemicals and
-then drive like a bastard from Hollywood to Las Vegas.
- -- Hunter S. Thompson
+Every time you masturbate, God kills a kitten.
+
+Please, think of the kittens.
%
Everyone: "Australia, Australia, Australia, Australia, we love you,
Amen!"
@@ -5814,7 +5815,7 @@ Everyone has the right, without exception, to equal pay for equal work.
Except for women.
%
Everyone in the office is welcome to join the group going to the Columbus
-Theater tonight. Meet in the lobby at 8:30. The films are "Blue Jennifer"
+Theater tonight. Meet in the lobby at 8:30. The films are "Blue Jennifer"
and "Hot Coed Cheerleaders".
%
Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence. These silly humans
@@ -5826,7 +5827,7 @@ cats.
They don't have sexual hangups. A cat gets horny, it does something
about it.
They keep reasonable hours. You *never* see a cat up before noon.
- They know how to relax. Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer?
+ They know how to relax. Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer?
What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war? Pretty neglible.
It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to
do with ones time. Like lie in the sun and sleep. Or go exploring the world.
@@ -6009,7 +6010,7 @@ For children, a woman.
For pleasure, a boy.
For sheer ecstasy, a melon.
%
-For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an
+For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an
exquisite nightgown of imported lace. The next week her salary was
raised!
%
@@ -6033,7 +6034,7 @@ For the sores on his prick he used Dial.
That failed; he gave Lava a trial.
But the one remedy
For contagious V.D.
-Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
+Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial.
%
"For the tenth time, dull Daphnis," said Chloe,
"You have told me my bosom is snowy;
@@ -6304,8 +6305,8 @@ GAY:
One who'd rather swish than fight.
%
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20)
- You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because
-you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
+ You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because
+you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too
little. This means you are cheap. Geminis are known for committing incest.
%
Gentlemen prefer blondes, but who says blondes prefer gentlemen?
@@ -6317,8 +6318,8 @@ George, after tying on a whopper the night before, woke up in the morning to
find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him. He
leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the
bureau. He then started to tiptoe out of the room. But, as he passed the
-foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg. Glancing down, he saw
-another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed. She gazed up
+foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg. Glancing down, he saw
+another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed. She gazed up
at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"
%
George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he
@@ -6426,6 +6427,12 @@ Give me the Luxuries, and the Hell with the Necessities!
GLEE CLUB GROUPIE:
A girl into choral sex.
%
+GNU Make will no longer go into an infinite loop when fed the horrid
+trash that passes for makefiles that `imake' produces (so you can
+compile X, despite the extreme stubbornness and irrationality of its
+maintainers).
+ -- GNU Make 3.55 release notes
+%
Go out with girls Dutch treat -- pay for dinner, drinks,
and the movie, and the rest of the evening is on her.
%
@@ -6484,12 +6491,6 @@ But man spoiled his chances by sinning
Will end in God's glory
But at present the other side's winning.
%
-God's plan made a hopeful beginning
-But man spoiled his chances by sinning.
- We trust that the story
- Will end in God's glory
-But at present, the other side's winning.
-%
Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello
is fatal to a virgin.
-- H.L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
@@ -6874,7 +6875,7 @@ pink damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
%
He who sneezes without a handkerchief takes matters into his own hands.
%
-He who trains his tongue to quote the learned
+He who trains his tongue to quote the learned
sages, will be known far and wide as a smart ass.
-- Howard Kandel
%
@@ -7137,7 +7138,7 @@ Hear about...
the sultan who had ten wives, nine of them had it soft.
%
Hear about...
- the swinger who labelled his little black book "Future Shack"?
+ the swinger who labeled his little black book "Future Shack"?
%
Hear about...
the tight end who got two years for possession and came out a
@@ -7273,7 +7274,7 @@ one morning when his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under
an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling
stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was
illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the
-court was going to take a nap.
+court was going to take a nap.
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
%
Here's a toast to Screwy Dick,
@@ -7300,7 +7301,7 @@ Here's to the girl in all our hearts...
In other words, guys, what do you say we all go downtown for
the rest of the night?
%
-Here's to the woman beautiful and devine
+Here's to the woman beautiful and divine
she flowers every month bears fruit every nine
she's the only creature 'tween heaven and hell
can get the juice from a nut without cracking the shell.
@@ -7779,7 +7780,7 @@ I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking.
%
I was 15 years old before I found out that "damn yankee" was two words.
%
-I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama.
+I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama.
I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts.
-- Firesign Theatre
%
@@ -7829,7 +7830,7 @@ I wish that my room had a floor;
I don't so much care for a door,
But this walking around
Without touching the ground
-Is getting to be quite a bore!
+Is getting to be quite a bore!
-- Gelett Burgess
%
I wonder what my wife will want tonight;
@@ -8697,7 +8698,7 @@ And fuck some more! I would dance and I'd be merry
If I only had a dong!
-- to "If I Only Had A Brain", The Wizard of Oz
%
-I've been told that it's far more sensous to have a woman leave something
+I've been told that it's far more sensuous to have a woman leave something
on rather than being totally nude. Myself, I've always felt that the lights
were more than enough.
%
@@ -8751,7 +8752,7 @@ Each had a buck and a quarter.
Jill came down with two and a half --
And you thought that they went for water.
%
-Jack and Jill
+Jack and Jill
Went up the hill,
Each had a buck and a quarter!
Jill came down,
@@ -8803,7 +8804,7 @@ Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food.
%
Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were
on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink.
- "Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the
+ "Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the
women and children aboard the lifeboats first."
"Fuck the women!" Kennedy shouted.
"Do we have time?" Hart asked.
@@ -8825,7 +8826,7 @@ Just go with the flow control, roll with the crunches, and, when you get
a prompt, type like hell.
%
Just go with the flow control, roll with the
-crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell.
+crunches, and, when you get a prompt, type like hell.
%
Just once I would like to persuade the audience not to wear any article of
blue denim. If only they could see themselves in a pair of brown corduroys
@@ -9313,6 +9314,10 @@ take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt.
%
May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister.
%
+May all the boys you fall in love with fall in love with boys themselves.
+%
+May all the girls you fall in love with fall in love with girls themselves.
+%
May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H.
%
May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
@@ -9605,13 +9610,13 @@ to screw again as long as I live.
%
My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine.
%
-My travel agent's an Oxford chap
+My travel agent's an Oxford chap
Who rolls his eyes when he speaks.
-I asked him about the Isle of Man
+I asked him about the Isle of Man
For a journey of about six weeks.
-And this is what he said to me
+And this is what he said to me
As he looked me right in the eye,
-"For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip
+"For a far-out trip, try an ice cream dip
Of Elephant Shit On Rye."
A brand-new store just opened its door
@@ -9666,7 +9671,7 @@ navel, n:
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows.
Watch who you sleep with.
%
-necrophelia, n:
+necrophilia, n:
Dead boring.
incest, n:
@@ -9787,7 +9792,7 @@ have chosen to see it as a final and clinching proof of the non-existence
of God. The argument follows: "I refuse to prove that I exist," says God,
"for proof denies faith, and without faith I am nothing." "But," says Man,
"the Babel fish is a dead giveaway, isn't it? It could not have evolved
-by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguements,
+by chance, thus proving that you exist, therefore by your own arguments,
you don't. QED." "Oh, dear," says God, "I hadn't thought of that," and
promptly vanishes in a puff of logic.
-- D. Adams
@@ -9799,7 +9804,7 @@ What would they do if I made no landfall?"
-- Jimmy Buffet, "Landfall"
%
Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and
-occasionally has problems with folks harrassing her. She came up
+occasionally has problems with folks harassing her. She came up
with this in response to one...
Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing.
@@ -10036,7 +10041,7 @@ Was tattooed the price of her tail.
Was the same information -- in Braille.
%
On the breasts of a harlot from Yale
-Was tatooed the price of her tail
+Was tattooed the price of her tail
And on her behind,
For the sake of the blind,
Was the same information in Braille.
@@ -10051,15 +10056,15 @@ Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel. Ina morning I go down to
eat breakfast. I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast. She bringa me
only one piss. I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate. She says you
better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch. I don't even know the lady
-and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant.
-The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna
-fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I
-wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you
-sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona
+and she call me sonna bitch. Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant.
+The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock. I tell her I wanna
+fock. She tells me everone wanna fock. I tell her "you no understand", I
+wanna fock on the table. She say you better not fock on the table, you
+sonna bitch. So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona
my bed. I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit. He tella me to go
-to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say
-you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man
-at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I
+to the toilet. I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed. He say
+you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch. I go to check out and the man
+at the desk say "peace to you". I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch. I
gonna back to Italy.
%
Once a woman has given you her heart you
@@ -10108,20 +10113,20 @@ know, the bull surprised the brown cow."
Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and
made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company. The farmer
wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster.
-"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic
-and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this,
-bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among
-his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work.
-It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and
-began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this
-rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster,
-however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next
-morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in
-the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure
-enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer
-shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told
-you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head
-toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to
+"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic
+and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this,
+bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among
+his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work.
+It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and
+began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this
+rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster,
+however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next
+morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in
+the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure
+enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer
+shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told
+you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head
+toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to
the birds above. "I think they're coming down."
%
Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One
@@ -10164,7 +10169,7 @@ all his might.
Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed,
and a little, tiny coed. One night they came home from a dance, and the big
coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!"
- The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been
+ The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been
sleeping in my bed!"
And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!"
%
@@ -10623,7 +10628,7 @@ polish fly, n:
%
Politicians do it to everyone.
%
-Pompoir: The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all.
+Pompoir: The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all.
'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with
a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the
@@ -10699,7 +10704,7 @@ Though he shot at the target, he missed her.
%
Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.
%
-Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame cermony, [Cash] went to
+Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame ceremony, [Cash] went to
the bathroom. "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked
in... He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a
picture of this.' I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'"
@@ -10736,8 +10741,8 @@ out the door.
pubic hair, n:
Organic dental floss.
%
-Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine,
-And frollicked in the Autumn mist,
+Puff the Jewish dragon lived in Palestine,
+And frolicked in the Autumn mist,
And drank Manishiewitz wine.
Little Rabbi Jacob loved that rascal Puff,
And brought him soup and Matzah balls,
@@ -10875,7 +10880,7 @@ A: "I'm afraid we don't know, but make my stipend tax-free, give my
credit for answering this incredibly vital question."
%
Q: How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light
- bulb, in San Fransisco?
+ bulb, in San Francisco?
A: Both of them.
%
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
@@ -10908,7 +10913,7 @@ A: Sheep don't have strings.
Q: What do two WASPs say after making love?
A: Thank you very much. It'll never happen again.
%
-Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadraplegic Virginian?
+Q: What do you call a blind, deaf-mute, quadriplegic Virginian?
A: Trustworthy.
%
Q: What do you call a nun who has had a sex change operation?
@@ -10960,7 +10965,7 @@ A: Will the defendant please rise?
%
Q: What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean?
A: It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the
- Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukranians take
+ Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukrainians take
the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews.
%
Q: What goes
@@ -11408,7 +11413,7 @@ Readers Ask:
Vampires are a source of great irritation to the average homeowner and it is
usually to one's advantage to remove these pests as rapidly as possible. If
-a professional exterminater specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is
+a professional exterminator specializing in the undead is unavailable, it is
possible to handle the situation with common household items. However, much
of the common folklore of vanquishing the undead needs clarifying. First,
driving a sharpened Louisville Slugger through a vampire's heart will NOT kill
@@ -11609,18 +11614,6 @@ And I'll soon tell those fuckers to stow it."
%
Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
Whose virtue was largely a myth,
- "Try as hard as I can,
- I can't find a man
-That it's fun to be virtuous with!"
-%
-Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
-Whose virtue was largely a myth,
- "Try as hard as I can,
- I can't find a man
-That it's fun to be virtuous with."
-%
-Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
-Whose virtue was largely a myth,
"Try as hard as I can,
I can't find a man
That it's fun to be virtuous with!"
@@ -11632,18 +11625,6 @@ Said crew girl Angelica Bauer :
He doesn't withdraw for an hour."
%
Said Einstein, "I have an equation
-Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
- Let v be virginity
- Approaching infinity;
-Let p be a constant persuasion;
-
-Let p over p be inverted
-With the square root of mu inserted
- N times into v ...
- The result, Q E D,
-Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
-%
-Said Einstein, "I have an equation
Which to some may seem Rabelaisian:
Let V be virginity
Approaching infinity;
@@ -11756,7 +11737,7 @@ but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand."
"Yeah, I now what you mean. So, what are you here for?"
"Erm ... well ... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going
to be ... you know ... I'm going to have the *operation*."
- "Oh. Well, I'm sorry," sympathised the first dog.
+ "Oh. Well, I'm sorry," sympathized the first dog.
Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely.
"So," he asked, "What are you in here for?"
"Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed.
@@ -11842,7 +11823,7 @@ SEMINARS:
From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
%
Sen. Danforth: "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
- notify you if the record has pornographics material or
+ notify you if the record has pornographic material or
material glorifying violence?"
Tipper Gore: "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
Frank Zappa: "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on
@@ -11872,7 +11853,7 @@ You can do each while thinking about the other.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
-- Sophia Loren
%
-Sex is a biological function; kissing is a committment.
+Sex is a biological function; kissing is a commitment.
%
Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher.
%
@@ -12237,7 +12218,7 @@ Some women should be beaten regularly, like gongs.
Something better...
13 (sympathetic): Oh, What happened? Did your parents lose a bet with God?
-14 (complememtary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to
+14 (complementary): You must love the little birdies to give them this to
perch on.
15 (scientific): Say, does that thing there influence the tides?
16 (obscure): Oh, I'd hate to see the grindstone.
@@ -12311,7 +12292,7 @@ successful cunnilingus:
SUGAR DADDY:
A man who can afford to raise cain.
%
-Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president!
+Sure, and of course I would vote for a woman for president!
Quite naturally, we wouldn't have to pay her so much.
%
Sure banking is Biblical!
@@ -12349,7 +12330,7 @@ And sure enough she'll take you home and make you wanna die.
-- Crosby, Stills, Nash, "Fair Game"
%
Taoism: Shit Happens.
-Confucianism: Confucious say, "Shit Happens".
+Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit Happens".
Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
Protestantism: Shit happens, but it happens to someone else.
@@ -12932,12 +12913,6 @@ Is not just a super-sensorium,
Heterosexual
Mutual masturbatorium.
%
-The new local cinematorium
-Is not only a super sensorium,
- But a highly effectual
- Heterosexual
-Mutual masturbatorium.
-%
The new priest was so nervous about performing his first mass that he could
hardly speak. He asked his Monsignor how he could relax. The Monsignor
replied that it might help relax him to add just a bit of vodka to the water
@@ -12972,19 +12947,19 @@ took the young champion behind the barn. "Kid," he said, "the hens are after
me for giving up my position so readily. So why don't we have a race, say,
ten laps around the farmhouse? The winner becomes undisputed keeper of the
henhouse and the hens will stop nagging me.
- The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed.
-Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart,
+ The young rooster, with only contempt for his elder, agreed.
+Surprisingly, the older one jumped off to an early lead. His counterpart,
weakened by the activities of the previous week, was never quite able to
-overtake him. As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster
+overtake him. As they rounded the barn for the fourth time, the elder rooster
maintained a formidable lead.
- Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out. The young rooster fell in the
+ Suddenly, a shotgun blast rang out. The young rooster fell in the
dust, his plumage riddled with buckshot.
"Dammit, Emmy," said the farmer. "That's the last rooster we buy
from Ferguson. Four of 'em this month, and every one's been queer."
%
The nipples of Sarah Sarong
When excited are twelve inches long
- This embarassed her lover
+ This embarrassed her lover
Who was pained to discover
She expected no less of his dong
%
@@ -13129,7 +13104,7 @@ as Michael came out, he accosted his and said,
singles two weeks in a row, instead of putting money into the collection?"
Michael replied, "Father, I'm embarrassed, but I did it because I
wanted to go downtown for a blow job."
- The priest looked suprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do
+ The priest looked surprised but said to Michael, "Listen, don't do
that anymore. I'll be watching you from now on."
When he got back to the rectory, the priest was still perplexed.
Finally he decided to call Mother Agatha at the convent. He said, "Mother,
@@ -13237,7 +13212,7 @@ inquired.
The young man grinned. "Perfectly. The other night, we were having
supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she! Our hands touched... It
was as if an electric current ran through us. I leaped to my feet, swept the
-dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage! There's
+dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage! There's
just one problem, however. We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..."
%
The sight of his guests filled Lord Cray
@@ -13257,7 +13232,7 @@ The spouse of a pretty young thing
Came home from the wars in the spring.
He was lame but he came
With his dame like a flame --
-A discharge is a wondeful thing.
+A discharge is a wonderful thing.
%
The star of that X-rated hit
Plays a nurse with a throat full of clit.
@@ -13290,12 +13265,6 @@ Upon my window sill. And smashed his fucking head.
%
"The testes are cooler outside,"
Said the doc to the curious bride,
- "For the semen must no
- Get too fucking hot,
-And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
-%
-"The testes are cooler outside,"
-Said the doc to the curious bride,
"For the semen must not
Get too fucking hot,
And the bag fans your bum on the ride."
@@ -13304,7 +13273,7 @@ The three faithful things in life are money, a dog and an old woman.
%
The three most important parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker.
%
-The three sexual positions during preganancy.
+The three sexual positions during pregnancy.
During the first four months: Missionary style
During the second four months: Doggie style
@@ -13350,7 +13319,7 @@ The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted,
The two things that you should never lend out are your car
or your woman. Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one.
%
-The Unitarians are really just a bunch of athiests who really
+The Unitarians are really just a bunch of atheists who really
like going to church.
%
The Utah version of this joke goes:
@@ -13360,7 +13329,7 @@ that you ran all the way here, losing your breath?"
The Council member finally regains his breath, and says "The Savior is
in the lobby!!"
The President immediate starts for the door, crying "It has come! The
-prophecies are fullfilled! We are all about to be uplifted!"
+prophecies are fulfilled! We are all about to be uplifted!"
The Council member says "Wait! You didn't let me finish! She's...
black, and SHE IS PISSED!"
%
@@ -13388,7 +13357,7 @@ youth pointed to another, somewhat larger boy smirking in the corner.
"That's him, sir, the one who forced me to do all those crimes against
nature. The bully!"
"Now tell me, son, as closely as you can, when this happened."
- "Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same
+ "Sir, two weeks ago on Wednesday at 4:00, then at 7:00 that same
evening, on Friday, twice on Saturday, two times on Monday, once on
Wednesday, and then he met that bitch Roy and he hasn't touched me since."
%
@@ -13443,17 +13412,17 @@ She was ugly and gaunt, with a horrible smell.
It stank like a beast,
And the odor killed flies as they gathered to feast.
-What a wonderful family! What marvellous style!
+What a wonderful family! What marvelous style!
I'll bet you and I aren't close by a mile.
Their odor and diet
- Won't soon be forgotton,
+ Won't soon be forgotten,
And one day you and I may be equally rotten.
%
The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her
first visit home since starting college.
"Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity
last weekend."
- "I'm not suprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner
+ "I'm not surprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner
or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight
guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore."
@@ -13468,7 +13437,7 @@ stand. A screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber."
Then there was the girl who was engaged
to a gymnast -- 'til he broke it off.
%
-Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or
+Then there was the girl whose boyfriend didn't smoke, drink or
swear, and never, ever made a pass at her. He also made his own dresses.
%
Then there was the guy that got badly messed up fighting
@@ -13557,7 +13526,7 @@ beech or a son of a birch?" asks the beech.
"You're both wrong!" says the bird. "That's the best piece of ash
I've had my pecker in for a long time!"
%
-There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a
+There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a
woman's breasts. One is not enough and three are too many.
%
There is a new model of car being sold in San Francisco --
@@ -13612,7 +13581,7 @@ front page before discarding it?"
be on the front page."
-- Attributed to FDR.
%
-There was a young man hitchiking along a road one day. A car stopped and the
+There was a young man hitchhiking along a road one day. A car stopped and the
driver opened the door and asked, "What political party are you with?"
He replied, "Why, I'm a Democrat."
And the driver slammed the door and rode off. The guy was pretty
@@ -13638,18 +13607,18 @@ Got his testicles caught in a wringer.
There was once a newly-married couple. Now these two lovers were, well,
rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on",
or "boffing the brains out". So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing
-the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up.
- One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry
-tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie,
-feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood,
-but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to
-participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not
+the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up.
+ One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry
+tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie,
+feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood,
+but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to
+participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not
in the mood for doing any laundry tonite."
- Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom
+ Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom
and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead. Upon returning to the living
room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing
some laundry?" To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small
-load!"
+load!"
%
There was once a salesman who had an outstanding record for selling tooth-
brushes. His boss, wondering at his unlikely success, sent a man out to
@@ -13739,7 +13708,7 @@ barn. Alone! At last. His hands roamed about her soft back, around to her
thighs, and finally caressed her budding nipples. Oh, how smooth and succulent
she was! "Was it so wrong?", he asked himself. No, he thought, for his
father had done it, as did his own father, ad infinitum. The boiling,
-uncontrollable rage within him became unbearable. She signalled her eagerness,